When I judge you, I’m not trusting you. When I’m not trusting you , I judge you.
There are three parts to this.
Part A. Mirror. I know when I judge you, I’m not only not accepting you, I’m also not accepting me. It’s very simple. I am not completely landed in me and how I still judge myself. The part I judge is probably somehow, somewhere a disowned aspect of me.
Part B. I’m afraid. It’s very scary to trust in the sacred way of your life. I know intellectually that your life is trustworthy just as you are living it. It’s a tough practice to trust my life completely, so it makes sense that it’s hard to trust yours so boldly.
Part C. Me not trusting and judging you is an expression of my own intelligence and my love/respect for you. This is my soul wanting more from you. I’m craving more truth, more congruency, more connection from you, and to feel experientially that we are not separate. I judge you here because it feels like you are living a semi-true life and not in alignment with your soul’s knowing. I want that level of congruency for you because it inspires me to stay with my soul’s way and knowing. I long to feel the depth of our shared humanity and the deep resonance between us when we both have the courage to trust our deeper Self. I long, deeply long to feel you land in the depths of your soul.
This last part starts to take on a less judgmental quality and invites exploration of how I experience you. This is where we can truly be of service to one another, especially if we are clear on part A & B. So, let’s be willing to share our experience of each other (from a place of love and respect) in a way that can be mutually beneficial.
Porn isn’t good or bad. It’s not the big bad wolf. It’s simply the shadow of a culture that is sexually repressed and over-sexualized simultaneously.
Because of this, I think it’s important to look at the cost of porn on boys and men.
Porn is slowly retraining the male brain further and further away from the authentic sexuality born in each of us. If porn were embodied, present, heart-felt, and sincere, it would have the potential to heal millions. Instead, it’s taking men out of their center, making billions of dollars off of their suffering, and rewriting what sexuality is and how to do it.
The pro-porn argument lacks any valid weight, “Hey man, nothing’s wrong with masturbating to hot women, what’s your problem?” Right.
I have nothing against sexuality, masturbation, or sexual aliveness. But porn has co-opted our sexuality and is now dictating the rules of how men and women are supposed to be with each other intimately. And, if I’m not paying attention, porn will teach my son an incredibly narrow form of sexuality.
In my own life, porn was a big distraction. A distraction away from my feelings, my body, and my experience. Along with other “checking out” behaviors, it served to relieve me temporarily from my suffering. Quickly, shame and guilt would settle in, as would more behaviors to hide it all. I was never an “addict.” I never paid for sites or spent hours online. I would get in, get out, then hide. Even still, it felt like shit.
It wasn’t until I was able to talk openly with my male friends about it, that I began to gain some power, control, and choice around (more…)