my son’s rad pink shades
Is your son less of a boy or man if he wears pink?
Chances are, if a boy wears pink in this culture he will likely be judged as gay or feminine over time.
I paint my toenails. I wear pink sometimes. My son likes pink too and loves to play princess or fairies with his awesome babysitter. So, are we both gay or feminine now?
So, the other day we went to a friend’s house and my son had on his stylish new pink shades. We were the last ones to arrive at the party (a vulnerable moment for a three-year old as the group of kids was already in their flow). Naturally, he wants me to walk him over to the group of kids. We hold hands and walk over.
We walk right into what is now a circle of seven kids ages 4-9 most of whom he’s played with before. Immediately his friend, a 5 year old girl, blurts out (so everyone can hear):
Hey, you have pink sunglasses! Boys don’t wear pink sunglasses!
She then laughs out loud and points at (more…)
photo by j. gaddis
Nearly every person I have worked with has the same relationship issue
Trying to change their partner.
In my experience trying to change our partner is one of the top three relationship issues out there (co-dependency and boundaries are the other two).
For example, years ago when I was dating around, once the honeymoon phase was over, I tried to change every woman I ever dated.
“Hmmm, If she only __________.”
She’s so awesome, but her _______________.”
Then I met my wife, who I still tried to change. Since she wouldn’t change I broke up with her, twice.
Then, with the help of a seasoned relationship therapist and a super honest, but harsh letter from my wife (we were broken up at the time), my game was reflected back to me very clearly.
It hurt to see and feel.
I saw how I wasn’t willing to practice real, deep love. It was too scary, too much, too confronting. Rather than face my fear, I was making her wrong claiming, “if only she would ________, then I’d be willing to drop in to deeper love and deeper commitment.”
This is a very common pattern for (more…)
I have a part of me that is a care-taker. Which is why when I meet other care-takers, I can get triggered and irritated by them.
Let’s unpack this care-taker thing since it’s one of the most common relationship issues.
There is very little room for pain and suffering in our culture because the cultural message is “it’s not okay to feel.” So, we stuff our feelings and traumas, meanwhile we are deeply hurting inside. Then, we posture over this and act like everything’s fine because another cultural norm we have is to be strong, independent, and self-reliant. Better not show our vulnerability…
So naturally, when someone bursts and falls apart, some of us come to the rescue (others run away). But not necessarily because we care. Many of us come to the rescue because we can’t tolerate our experience seeing other person in pain. So we help them (more…)
What is agency?
For the purpose of this post agency is, in general terms, akin to sovereignty. Individuation (or differentiation) is the path to agency.
I think agency is one of the common drives of being human. As we evolve, we seek agency and communion (as Ken Wilber says). In other words, we seek to be fully ourselves while staying connected to each other and all that is. (I explored some of this dynamic in my post on acceptance).
My own definition of agency:
Agency is conscious selfishness. When I am practicing conscious agency, I am a healthy, mature, individuated, integrated adult who puts my own needs/wants above everyone else’s in the service of the collective. I am the author of my own life. I am congruent in mind, body, heart, spirit and I land in my personal integrity. I put my own self-care, self-love, and desire above all else, so that I am more available and resourced to be of genuine service to others (with zero strings attached).
My integral friend Robert MacNaughton, who turned me on to the term (more…)
my kids and me at Lake Michigan
A quick personal update:
What a summer!
Autumn is slowly arriving in Boulder. Powerful times. I feel like the trees that are shedding their leaves, letting go of what must die and embracing my stance as it readies itself for darker days.
Everything in my life is getting more sacred, more vibrant. My eyes are opening more as is my heart.
My life is very full with two little children. They continue to crush me with their love. It ain’t all warm fuzzies. Both kids have a way of triggering me in places I didn’t know existed. I love this householder path–awakening through marriage and children.
My wife and I are re-visioning our life together. We have spent a lot of time getting more and more clear about what we want for ourselves, our family, and our relationship. It’s intimate, sacred.
I also recently spent three sleepless nights with the sacred Yagé (ayahuasca), facing my deepest darkness and my brightest light. The Shaman’s teacher was the facilitator. He’s straight from the jungle and the most powerful & soft man I’ve ever met in my entire life. Needless to say, the divine Yagé has once again pulled the rug out from under my (more…)