My son finding a bug

I often have women come see me who consistently report that the men in their lives are stuck, unhappy, and unwilling to do anything about it. The only time I see those types of men is when their lives and relationships start to fall apart.

Why is this?

Are men just lame? clueless? Just guys? Do we really only care about sports, boobs, gadgets and cars? Or is there more to the story?

Men are falling dramatically behind women (here’s a study backing this up, and some other data here). And boys are falling dramatically behind girls in education (Somewhat conflicting info here with some reports saying it’s still a level playing field, and others saying the way schools are set up is more suited to girl learning styles and not really suited to handle the way boys learn).

Despite what these studies show, my own experience says this: Generally speaking, men are limping along while women are kicking ass.

Why?

Most of the research out there points to schooling. That boys simply learn differently than girls and that schools, by in large, support learning styles and environments that favor girls.

This is all great and I can get behind a lot of it. However, the “experts” are missing a critical element that starts from birth onward.

My theory?

The boy code:  Boys are trained out of their natural essence and expected to adhere to what William Pollack describes as the boy code. Michael Kimmel takes the idea further in his book Guyland and speaks about how men remain boys stuck in “guyland.”

Our entire culture supports boys to abandon themselves and their true essence.

We men have been conditioned to be the way we currently are. We were conditioned out of our intuition, emotions, felt sense, and our relational capacity. Believe it or not, men are as sensitive as women and as capable relationally.

Yet because of our culture and the stifling boy code, we have been trained not to be this way. I also understand part of this conversation is about nature (biology) and that men are VERY different from women in endless ways (which I celebrate), but I’m not going to talk about nature. Nurture is something I can do something about so that’s where my attention is.

My attention is on how boys and men are trained to be emotionally shut down and disconnected from themselves.

When I look around at teenage boys and young men I feel scared. Most are lost, disconnected, and pissed off, rightfully so.

Here is my master’s paper on the subject from 2005. This excerpt begins on page seven of my 40 page paper. (you might also want to read my post “Why many men are still boys and what can be done about it). I have added a few new thoughts below the excerpt.

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Infancy, the beginning of disconnection

The kind of man a boy grows into is laid down in early childhood development. His earliest relationships strongly dictate how a boy will be in relation to his world. If a boy’s feelings and emotional needs for closeness and connection are not recognized and valued or they are neglected or abused, he will most likely begin to disconnect from himself and have significant issues with trust (Ewen, 1998).

William Pollack Ph.D. (1998), a leading researcher in male behavior, believes the conditioning of acceptable male behavior begins as early as infancy. He cites research at Rutgers University, which showed that mothers attempted to sooth their infant boy by responding with encouragement to happy emotions while “discouraging more unhappy emotions” (p. 40).  This conditioning slowly stifles a boy’s emotional expression and gives him strong messages over time of how to be in the world:  to be okay, he cannot trust his internal experience and he needs to behave in an acceptable way. The boy will mistrust his true self and begin to form a false self based upon what his environment and caregiver support. Herein lies the root of man’s disconnection.

The Boy Code and further disconnection

The acceptable behavior a boy begins to live by is what Pollack (1998) calls the “boy code.” The boy code “is a set of behaviors, rules of conduct, cultural shibboleths, and even a lexicon, that is inculcated into boys by our society—from the very beginning of a boy’s life” (p. xxv). Within the boy code are countless introjects. Introjects are messages that a person takes in from their environment without a lot of thought or discernment. The boy code teaches boys several introjects:  “Don’t be like a girl,” “don’t be too tender or close with other boys,”  “act like a man,” and  “don’t be a mama’s boy.”  Adding to their confusion in a world of feminist thought, men also hear “don’t be like most men,” or, from a mother in a family with an absent or abusive father, “don’t be like your father.” Several of these introjects will be addressed in the pages that follow.

The “Gender Straightjacket”

James A. Doyle (1983), author of The Male Experience suggests that the first lesson in the boy code is “Don’t be like a girl” (p. 161). Instead of being taught how to be, boys are taught how NOT to be, “what girls do, boys don’t” (p. 150). Doyle (1983) believes this is the root of misogyny and sexism because boys believe that girls and women are, “unequal, bad and inferior” (p. 150). How many grown men in a patriarchal society hold this same childhood teaching?  The boy code confuses the young boy because it splits off his inner experience of self (emotions and feelings) from an outer one that is based on cultural norms and expectations (boy code), thus increasing the disconnection. He is bombarded with more messages such as “don’t be a baby,” “don’t be a wimp,”  “ don’t be a sissy,” “don’t feel your feelings.”  The boy begins to take in these introjects all the while feeling ashamed of his authentic, internal experience. Over time, a boy will slowly shut down his inner world in the service of doing what’s expected. Pollack (1998) believes that by doing this, society is placing a boy into a “gender straightjacket” (p. 40). This gender straightjacket constrains boys and men to behave in socially accepted ways based upon their gender. Pollack (1998) and men’s writer Loren Pedersen (1991) agree that this confusion ultimately wears a young man down and may later bring on depression, failed relationships, emotional staleness or even suicide. The confusing introjects a boy will receive do not stop there.

Relationship with Mother

Since most men are raised by their mothers (in the midst of absent, abusive or emotionally unavailable fathers), this relationship is paramount for how a boy will do relationship later in life (Doyle, 1983). Somewhere along the line, a boy will hear the message “don’t be a mama’s boy,” which implies that he is too close, affectionate or clingy with his mother. Pollack’s research shows that a young boy actually does not want to be apart from his mother and that disrupting a boy’s desire to stay connected to his mother is “devastating” and “traumatic”  (1998, p. 27). Pollack adds, “If a boy had been allowed to separate at his own pace, that longing and sadness would not be there, or would be much less” (1998, p. 27).  Pollack (1998) also believes that the roots of shame a man feels can be traced back to this premature separation. Doyle (1983) agrees and adds, “In our culture, boys are socialized earlier into their sex role and pushed away from parental dependencies earlier than girls are” (p. 95). Unfortunately a nurturing father is often not available when the boy separates from his mother, so boys will seek the guidance and support of their peer group (Doyle, 1983).  A boy’s relationship with his mother is often his only emotional connection. What about his father and how does this relationship impact a boy’s disconnection?

Relationship with Father            

Whatever role his father plays will have a lasting impact on the boy. Most commonly, a boy’s father is the person who turns away or shuts down the boy’s emotions. If his father is around, he may make fun of his son if he is clinging to his mother. Fred R. Gustafson (1997), writing about father-son dynamics, believes that a young man will have a limited and warped sense of masculinity when the father-son relationship is unhealthy and the father is unavailable.  Gustafson (1997) identifies this as having “terrible” consequences such as an ill-defined ego structure, a limited male identity, being controlled by women through guilt and feelings of inadequacy.  Gustafson (1997) believes that the reason “there are so many angry men today…is not only because they have been discouraged from having or expressing feelings, but also because they have not felt a significant loving father presence in their lives” (p. 167).

Male Friendships and Homophobia

How emotionally close are male-male friendships? As stated earlier, often the only emotional connection a boy has is with his mother. Men have learned relationships from single mothers, female partners, sisters and women who are stereotypically more capable of sharing emotions, feelings and relating in general. Yet if a boy is not allowed to be close with his mother or his father, what makes him want to be close with his male friends? Doyle (1983) writes that boys are simply not allowed to publicly express most emotions for fear of being seen as or labeled weak, feminine, too vulnerable, or gay.  Not only are boys not supposed to be close and express feelings with their mother or father, boys are given a clear message that they should not be too close with another boy (Doyle, 1983).  According to Doyle (1983), two of a boy’s biggest fears are being labeled feminine or gay. This is not just an experience boys have; it is pervasive in the adult male population as well. Later in life Doyle adds, “men cannot allow themselves to get too close, to form deep and intimate friendships with other men because they may have to deal with the gnawing fear of homosexuality” (p. 160). When they grow older, men fear that their male peers will judge them as unmanly. Doyle (1983) cites Gregory Lehne who views the fear of homophobia as “a device of social control directed specifically against men to maintain male behavior appropriate to the social situation” (p. 159).  A consequence of this fear is that few men end up having close male friends (Doyle, 1983). Furthermore, few men end up having a close relationship to themselves.

Toward Manhood

As a boy grows toward other developmental tasks, more messages are delivered about how to be in the world all too often with the result of more disconnection. “The primary tasks of adolescence, according to all contemporary notions, are self-definition, identity formation, differentiation” (Raphael, 1998, p. 197).

More confusing introjects of the boy code include, “suck it up and be a man,” or conversely from a world of feminine upbringing, “don’t be like most men,” and from a mother estranged from an absent or abusive husband, “don’t be like your father.” Pollack (1998) writes that, “Without being aware of doing so, society is judging the behavior of boys against outmoded ideas about masculinity and about what it takes for a boy to become a man” (p. xxiv).  Writer of the need for men’s rites-of-passage in this culture, Ray Raphael (1988) adds, “Contemporary society seems to give us differing and conflicting definitions of what manhood is and how it might be achieved” (p. 22).  Adult men will often continue to grapple with their emotions and feelings throughout life.

Rarely do other men support each other’s vulnerabilities and feelings. What do men do? They continue to wear a mask that states “everything’s fine” (Pollack, 1998).  Pollack (1998) also maintains that teenage boys become experts at masking their true selves because they feel ashamed of their vulnerability. Similarly, Sam Keen (1991), best selling author of Fire in the Belly, believes that man avoids his own inner world and all its darkness, hiding behind many masks all in the name of being accepted and being okay in relationship to his outside world.  He continues hiding because society expects a teenage boy to be “hardened,” so he will put on a mask to become tough and manly [italics added] (Pollack, 1998).  The hiding continues and so does the search for self as a teenager moves out of adolescence toward manhood. This is the most common time when a young man will unconsciously or consciously seek initiation toward manhood and attempt to find a sense of belonging.

The need for initiation into Manhood

So, what is a man to do, carrying around so many conflicting messages and views of how to be?  Now that a man has been shaped by his environment and experiences and his heart so often has been ignored, what is the outcome?  Men’s writer Marvin Allen (1995) paints an accurate picture here, “To avoid or to cope with these painful and embarrassing emotions, millions of men have turned to such manly solutions as excess work, alcohol, TV sports, food, sexual compulsions, and even aggression and violence” (p. 311). Men unconsciously yearn for some kind of transition or initiation as they stumble toward manhood. Outmoded ideas abound and as Raphael (1988) observes, many young men create their own challenges in attempts to grow up and be a man; they “join the army, compete in sports, get a job, graduate from college, climb mountains, pledge fraternities, screw girls, get drunk with the guys” (p. 23).  These are not only attempts at becoming a man, but they are all done with an unconscious desire to belong, to be seen, to be accepted, to transition.

As an adult, if a man has deficits in his development and if he was informally initiated through immature means, he will react to the world from a younger place than he actually is; specifically he will react from the exact place of his developmental wound. For example, men’s movement writers Robert Moore and Douglas Gillette (1990) write about boy psychology [italics added] which means that they are stuck in an “immature phase of development” and are behaving from the developmental place where they were wounded. Moore and Gillette (1990) go on, “[man] remains a boy—not because he wants to, but because no one has shown him the way to transform his boy energies into man energies.” (p. 3). The man who feels ashamed is disconnected, or as Moore and Gillette hypothesize, he is a fragmented [italics added] boy leading a chaotic life as a man (1990). These two authors add, “No one has led him into direct and healing experiences of the inner world of the masculine potentials” (p. 3). Poet and mythopoetic men’s movement writer Robert Bly agrees and calls these men “half adults” (p. 45, 1996).  Bly (1996) believes men have not taken on the role of an adult male because elders have not initiated them into manhood. Male fraternities, where pledges are required to withstand hazing and intimidation as a symbol of masculine strength, are a good examples of immature initiation. Raphael (1988) sums it up here: “Fraternities, unlike primitive initiations, allow a youth to retain his childish ways while simultaneously laying claim to a more manly status” (p. 92).

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The rest of the paper begins to explore having a conscious initiation process to become a man using modern rites of passage techniques and systems. However, my attention now is on boys (and mom’s ironically) and men who are open to change. I feel saddened that most men are, as Thoreau put it, “living lives of quiet desperation” and remain resistant to ask for help or guidance.

Our culture supports disconnection and “numbing out” and has made it quite comfortable to be this way, so why bother? For a man to really bust out of his conditioning, a herculean effort and incredible hunger are required.

Neither of the practices (mentioned in the paper) supporting integration will even work if a man is not aware or open to them. So, a critical piece I missed in my master’s paper is that if a man is to change and grow, he has to A) know there’s a problem, B) be willing to admit it to himself, and C) take action by asking for help.

Ironically because of the boy code and man code, he has the strong likelihood of remaining trapped and stuck and will never feel the deep self-connection and connection to all that is.

Lastly, if I were to change the paper now, I would also unpack “initiation” to include a larger sense of meaning and spirituality. Men often do begin to find themselves when the game of life as it was played begins to crumble due to a crisis of some kind. When this happens, the door is open for transformation.

I’m committed to putting an end to the boy code by raising a son to be whomever he is naturally. I have one shot and he’s up against a lot in this culture. I’ll need other dads and boys who are equally as committed. Boys need a true hero’s journey mid-wifed by badass Dad’s who are fully showing up for their son’s.

Perhaps one day I’ll start a new, conscious version of the boys scouts that trains young boys to be fearlessly themselves. Hmmmm….

If you’d like to read the rest, you can download the full PDF version here: The Disconnected Man’s Path to Integration

A great related article by my dear friend Christiane is called Boys as Sacrificial Offerings.

Learning how to yield is one of my new practices.

Last night, like many nights after a long day, I feel exhausted and my system begins to wind down, gearing up for a night of rest.

Yet as any new parent knows, there’s a strong possibility the night will be interrupted by a child waking up with a need and thus, disturbing your slumber.

It’s amazing to me that I often hope, wish and pray that my son doesn’t wake up so that my world and my agenda for a good night’s sleep doesn’t get disrupted.

But last night, something different happened.

My son woke up and I happily went to his room. He was standing in his crib, half crying, half speaking.  I touched his back, rubbed his head and let him know I was right here.

I kneeled next to the crib and began to hum as I often do to soothe him. I was sitting, much like I do in meditation when I realized I was indeed meditating. I immediately felt my devotion for my son. That I would sit there all night if I had to. That I would do just about anything for him. I was in touch with my deep, deep devotion to him. My heart was wide open and I was utterly present.

As I sat there, I realized a new connection with this parental devotion. It was simple yet profound.

I realized that Spirit was speaking through my son. The sacredness of this moment was pure and it echoed throughout the silence.

I began to see that spirit speaks through children and how it moves through my son all the time.

My son was crying out to me to be present, to stay “awake”, to soften and open. Spirit was crying out to me to be present, to stay “awake”, to soften and open.

Spirit spoke through my son and in doing so, I felt the radiance of all that is.

As of late, with my spiritual emergence, I often feel inches away from major divine presence.

It’s thanksgiving here in the States and I feel grateful that I have the privilege and get the opportunity to practice letting go, right here, right now, over and over.

Yet why do I make it so hard?

I’m learning that life is very straightforward when I am willing to surrender.

Since I’m a dadpreneur and a blogger, I guess I fit right in.

This is a very “mainstream” conference as it seems to be targeting an audience outside of traditional “men’s work” circles. I’m eager to see what conversations these men are having about being a father, a husband, and a man in today’s world.

Here is the idea behind the conference according to the M3 website:

The M3 Summit’s goal is to bring together brands, bloggers, and some of the brightest minds in the industry to experience, teach and talk about how the role of Modern Media Man is changing. We know the time, location and topics of focus– educational, personal and business tracks–all will work together to generate the perfect storm in the blogosphere.

This is the best opportunity of the year for men and daddy bloggers, whether they’re stay at home dads, work at home dads, business professionals, the lone entrepreneur, marketer, advertiser and public relations professional to gather in one spot and plot a new course toward progress.

I think people are beginning to understand the critical role fathers play in the growth and evolution of a culture. Perhaps people are understanding that if a Dad (and of course a Mom) is not in the picture, we leave it up to the media and the society at large to raise our children, and we all know where that leaves us.

While the role of “Dad” in a son or daughter’s life is so critical, I’m here to support father’s not get sucked into being “superdad” and instead invite them to be human. I want my father’s humanity, not his attempt at perfection. And that is what I offer everyday to my son and child on the way.

Without launching into an entire post on Fathers and sons (which is a rich topic to explore), I will leave you with a teaser video here that had me in tears. I also want to remind you to keep your eye on the M3 Summit this weekend.

I will be speaking about the new, emerging masculine paradigm. Here’s a taste of my talk in a conversation with host Kevin Roy. This is a good dry run for me to really articulate (and model) this new paradigm prior to the next big conference hosted here in Boulder, the Evolving Men’s Conference.

The year of the daddy blogger might just have a strong influence on shaping the role of man and father in this culture. We’ll see!

Check M3 out on FB too:

http://www.facebook.com/M3Summit

Art by Bryce Widom

When I tell people I “do men’s work” I often get some seriously funny looks. From my understanding, the term “men’s work” originally came into use in the late 70′s and early 80′s as men began to react and respond to the feminist movement. Reactions to feminism sprouted different aspects of men’s work. Largely, men’s work is associated with the mythopoetic men’s movement of the 80′s.

Unfortunately, over time, men doing men’s work got labeled wimpy, new age guys. The stereotype painted a picture of men beating on drums, reading poetry, getting naked, and crying. To this day, some men think this is what I do and while I do participate in drum circles, I do get naked, and I do cry, there is much more to the story.

From my own judgment, “new age,” “spiritual,” “green meme” or whatever you want to call men who are open to personal development work, are labled wimpy and spineless not only because those casting judgment have internalized homophobia and are disconnected from their own feminine and masculine essence, but because sometimes we “holistic guys” do have attributes that lack action, follow through, and practical business skills.

Here is my own definition of men’s work since I couldn’t find one when I googled it.

Men’s work in 2010 is a term used by men to describe “inner psychological work” used to work through and overcome blocks to what men claim they want. Men’s work also challenges and empowers men to be their best. Men’s work is most commonly done in the community of other men in men’s circles and groups and men-only weekend workshops. Men’s work is noteworthy for teaching men to lean on other men, instead of always leaning on women. Men’s work is NOT in reaction to feminism. It is merely one vehicle to help men live the life they claim they want.

Whatever the case, men’s work hasn’t been that cool, nor has it had broad appeal among many men today. Because of this and other reasons, I am calling on men’s leaders to gather in September at the Evolving Men’s Conference Build the Foundation Weekend to vision, collaborate, and brainstorm the way forward.  Thankfully, guys like Marc Quinn and Alex Linsley of ManCollective are coming all the way from England! Both in their 20′s, they are stoking the fire of what’s possible with this stuff called men’s work and men’s groups and helping to redefine it.

In fact, Marc raises some really important questions in the piece below which was published in the Integral Leadership Review.

Marc asks a key question: “Why is most of this men’s work about therapy and support?” And even better he asks, “I am curious to know if wilderness retreats, drumming circles or other practices of yesterday’s men’s groups are really the way forward, or if we need to find a new vehicle to engage men today?” While not all men’s organizations have such activities, the stereotype remains. Finally, as Tripp Lanier and Marc point out, even the term men’s “work” can be a turn off for dudes who have enough “work” in their lives already. More “work” doesn’t exactly sound enticing.

I’m with Marc and Alex. If we really want to help men live lives of meaning, purpose, and fulfillment, we have to get with the program and reach them where they are using language that is current and appealing. With all due respect, dudes simply don’t relate to archetypes such as King, Lover, Magician, Warrior. They don’t read Iron John anymore. The Way of the Superior Man is even becoming outdated. Men need current information and need to know it will genuinely help them live bigger, better lives.

However, even if the message is current and sexy, each man who genuinely wants to improve his life, still faces the canard of judgment. If men want to gather together in 2010 and get real, outside conventional male activities such as the pub, work, and sports, they face being labeled gay, too feminine, naval gazers, or anti-woman.  And, if you want different results in your life as a man and you choose to ask for help, you must make your own personal desire to change a higher priority than what others think of you. Not every man will be up for this.

My response to the onslaught of potential judgment? Who gives a shit. People judge me all the time and they are judging you too. Who cares? Are you really going to let that stop you? I am passionate about my own men’s community and the men’s communities I help create. When men get together in a conscious way, powerful shit happens. It’s not much different than a high-functioning sports team or rock band. When we men gather together we carry the potential of the darkest acts of destruction and the highest, most noble acts of integrity, love, and consciousness.

Obviously I’m inspired to do the latter.

And for the record, I am all about men getting together to raise their individual consciousness and the collective consciousness. As far as what we call it? I think the answer lies in one question we will ponder at the Evolving Men’s Conference in September: “How” will we reach other men and move our collective gender forward in the most fierce, conscious way?

Your thoughts?

Here is the outstanding piece done by Marc. Well worth the read, seriously.

On March 27th, 2010, a group of 25 people (all but 2 being men) gathered in South London to discuss the state of men in the UK, and what could be done to bring more purpose, power and meaning to their lives.

Man Collective was started last November when Alex Linsley, an economics student at Oxford University, wanted to start a men’s group to gather a close-knit community of men to challenge and inspire him to step up the game in his life. Some would say he was unwise to send out an email to the entire Oxford University Network including the question “Do you have balls?” but I found it incredibly bold. Surprisingly enough to Alex, his group earned the attention of Oxford University’s newspaper “Cherwell.” Then within a week it was featured in a national newspaper, The Guardian, and within 24 hours Alex was sat in the BBC studios in Oxford talking on live radio and TV news about what he intended for the group and responding to a barrage of joint feminist and chauvinist attacks. Had anyone ever united the feminists and the chauvinists in the same camp before?

Seeing all this attention brought to Alex over something as “insignificant” as a tiny men’s group, I became highly inspired by the opportunity that lay before us to make a difference for men in the UK. For me, my stars had finally lined up. My own search into all things integral over the last few years told me that this was really a golden opportunity for us to stand for something much greater than a single men’s group. One day, at London’s busiest train station over a cup of coffee, I told Alex that I wanted to see a men’s group in every single university in the UK, and I asked him to help me. Since then, we have tried to see what an organization that could support men would look like, and how groups could be structured so that they would work well. We wanted to go beyond seeing ourselves as “menimists” (a name we have been called by the woman’s magazine Grazia,) and beyond seeing ourselves as a men’s rights group. We did not wish to outsource responsibility for the state of men in the UK to politicians and activists; we wanted to take full responsibility. To put it integrally, we decided we wanted to support the development of the left-hand interior quadrants in the most powerful way we could without making it look like “self help.”

After much discussion about WHY the British press found his group so news-worthy, we decided we wanted to see where “men’s work” was in the UK. Was there anyone out there working solely for men? What did their work look like? More importantly, we wanted to know why they were so difficult to find. We organized The Gathering as a way to accomplish this, and to connect–in many cases for the first time–the many strands that do exist in the UK.

We started The Gathering by giving everyone present an opportunity…read the rest here.

This is part one of a three-step project I’m cranking out. Don’t worry, this is not meant to just focus on the negative with men. Quite the contrary. However, we need a real-time assessment from everyday people like you. I want a baseline and some collective input from as many men and women as possible.

I only need one statement from you.

I realize I’m asking you to generalize, and it will be most helpful if you think of yourself (if you are a man) or the men in your lives. We men might actually benefit from it.

If you are down to help out, keep reading.

Let’s look at the current sociological landscape of masculinity by quickly reviewing what some experts say.

If you watched the Superbowl this year, you saw the barrage of lame-ass ads directed toward men. Here is a great commentary on them by Mark Morford of SFGate called Ode to the Whipped White Male.

The trend seems to be building about the utter confusion men find themselves in today. Although men are still largely in power, women are outpacing men in the workforce for the first time ever. Women’s empowerment programs are all over the world and are having a significant impact.

What about boys and men?

According to Raising Cain, a PBS documentary, “America’s boys are in trouble. They are the most violent in the industrialized world. Many are unable to express their emotions. On average, boys are doing worse in the classroom than they were 10 years ago.”

Once they become “adults” young men stay adrift longer, putting off growing up as long as humanly possible. This group becomes trapped in Guyland. As of early 2010, one in five men were unemployed. Most conventional mainstream guys are confused, lost, depressed, or putting on a show and pretending to be happy. I have written about this a bit in a previous post “Why men are boys and what can be done about it.”

So then, what about men’s empowerment programs? Can’t they help? Well, uh…..um……yeah…..

While there are many high quality men’s programs out there including mine, it is still commonplace for men to subscribe to the old-school “go-it-alone” mentality. Not only that, but the conventional mainstream man pokes fun of men’s work and men’s empowerment programs calling them “gay,” “stupid,” “weak,” or “new agey,” which, in the end, reveals more about that man’s fears than about the programs themselves.

Even in a recent Daily Show parody, BetterMen.org was made fun of for men sitting around in a circle acting like “vagina-men.”

So, if a man “stays the course” he is screwed, and if he chooses to “man up” and do some work on himself, he is made fun of.

Alas, many men have found themselves in a collapsed stupor, driving their dodge charger as fast as possible to their man-cave, as Morford suggests, to play video games, watch sports, drink beer, and resent their wives and girlfriends. All the while they “pretend” everything is fine.

As a guy who has worn the conventional guy-land hat for years, I know the territory well. I walked in his shoes far past a mile, both sober and drunk, way too many times. I know the pain and I know the mask that covers it up.

Now, forget what others are saying, I want to hear from you!

Here’s how it works:

What is your personal experience of men? Think of the men in your life and look around. Your boss, your father? Your son? Co-workers, boyfriends, husbands, Ex-husbands? What pains you the most about yourself as a man, other men, or a man in your life?

What blind spots do you see men having? Where does society stand to benefit the most if these changes could be realized?

What matters here, is what you think of men. Forget the stats, what is your take? Where are us guys at right now? What is our problem? Please only focus on where we can improve.

What’s “right” about men is coming. Remember, this is part one of a big project I’m working on. I can hardly wait to share it! Stay tuned…

My goal is to get 100 responses from anyone and everyone about what you see as the big issues  men have today. I want brutal honesty!

I will create a video with the most common, most powerful responses and give you credit. This will then serve as our jumping off point to go further toward change, wholeness, and visioning a brighter future.

What I need from YOU!

Send me one statement with your feedback for men everywhere.

Women: Pretend you have every man’s full attention. You could say anything and they would completely listen and then make that change. If you could give us feedback in one statement about where we could grow, what is it? Make it personal. Think of the men you know in your life that need some honest feedback. Consider it an offering to them.

Men: Think of what you personally struggle with the most in your life and chances are you are far from alone. There are other men like you. Look at your circles. Think of your Dad, your brothers, your friends and colleagues?  Take a moment to acknowledge you are not perfect and even you could use a pep talk. Make it personal. Your feedback is service to your fellow man.

Other: If you don’t identify as man or woman, what do you think we need from your unique perspective?

Pick the absolute most important issue to you and write it here in one sentence by finishing this sentence…

My constructive feedback for MEN is….

Then leave your name (first and/or last), age, and home city.

You are welcome to submit a photo (of yourself or of men) for the video. The more personal it is, the more of an impact we can have.

Remember, keep it to one sentence only please!

Just reply to this post below, leave a comment below, or email me your feedbac: info@revolutionaryman.com

The good news?

A major film has been made about men’s groups. It’s called, quite simply, Men’s Group. You can watch the trailer below.

The fact that an actual big screen movie was made to document the power of a men’s group is pretty freakin’ cool.

Moreover, the movie’s  characters are compelling. In my view the men in the film represent a large majority of men who are shut down and scared of true male connection.

The bad news?

It is a good example of how NOT to run a men’s group. If any man sees this expecting that this is how to run a men’s group, you are terribly mistaken.

This is somewhat tragic. If I were a guy out there who was a little scared of joining a men’s cirlce, this movie would close the deal as a “no way” for me.

Bad leadership, resistant participants, major withholds, zero accountability, hurtful feedback and an overall unsafe container with no trust is how this group is run.

All of that said, the movie is quite riveting.

Make sure you watch Paul Whyte below, the man who was the inspiration for this movie, as he  says this about the movie, “Men’s Group is my list of what you don’t do in a Men’s group.” (At 2:17 if you want to fast forward to hear him). Ha, ha. I’m glad he said that.

Paul, clearly knows what it takes to run a good men’s circle. My friend Warwick Marsh with http://fatherhood.org.au/ and the man who runs the International Men’s Day website, said that the director of the movie took Paul’s idea and ran with it to make it a good movie.

Who knows, some men’s groups out there might a be very boring movie. I’m certain that my men’s group would be a powerful movie that would serve men everywhere. What about yours?

While this movie is a great drama and shows the shadow (dark side) of men and their fear of intimacy, it is definitely not the way to run your men’s circle. For that reason alone, it is absolutely worth watching.

You can purchase it here.

Easy.

He, like you and me, is human. And it just goes to demonstrate that you can have all the money in the world and be famous beyond belief and still have many, many issues that you would rather no one know about. Tiger Woods having one or more affairs behind his wife’s back is no surprise.

From John Edwards to Martin Luther King Jr, no one is above relationship challenges.  No one is above the human condition. That’s the good news for all you men out there who think you can act perfect and hide your issues.

If you are in a long term relationship or married, you realize that challenge is simply part of the terrain. You also realize that if you want a dynamic relationship, you must face the challenges and invite change. If you have kids you know that challenges increase and change is even more inevitable. Any new father knows that life becomes radically different when a child enters the equation.

As a new Dad, I personally have faced some big challenges such as sleepless nights, money issues, and the onslaught of soiled diapers. But as a new parent, the biggest of challenges have come in my relationship with myself and with my wife.

My wife and I work very hard on our relationship and are committed to evolving and growing. Our marriage vows serve our individual needs and aspirations toward this unfolding process. Why? So, we don’t slip into a comfortable, mediocre, business relationship where we just co-parent and act like roommates.

The roommate trap

While I doubt Tiger Woods fell into being “roommates” with his partner due to his rigorous schedule, I’m sure they fell into some dynamic that allowed both of them to avoid their connection and whatever was “in the way” of them getting real and getting honest.

Men who do not attend rigorously to their marriage will eventually settle into a complacent relationship wherein both parties stop growing and agree to play it safe.

Add a new kid into the family, and the temptation to put your relationship on the back-burner steadily grows. A new child is very demanding and needs full attention from one or both parents. But to use my kid as the reason I am not close with my wife is a cop out. If a couple continues to use this excuse, the gap between them will continue to widen.

I recently read a great article in the New York Times about a couple, with two young kids, who finally decided after nine years of “good” marriage to deepen and make it better by going to therapy and workshops. The wife had sensed much more was possible. The husband was pretty ambivalent at first but went along with it.

In their “good” relationship, the husband focused all his attention on becoming a master chef at home, spending hours and hours in the kitchen while the wife tended to the bills and kids. They didn’t outwardly agree to this, it just happened over time. As the husband got honest, he realized cooking was his way to avoid his wife, their intimacy, and his own discomfort in the marriage. She discovered she was avoiding also by attending to her “role.”

They also discovered that the way they related was serving a function– their sarcasm with one another was “protecting uncomfortable feelings” and stifling their intimacy.

It seems commonplace that over time, new parents unconsciously and quietly agree to be co-parents, pals, and roomies, thus staving off any juicy intimacy that might be possible otherwise. The classic example that is still quite common is that Dad settles into “worker, provider guy” and Mom settles into stay-at-home-Mom.

Within and beyond your roles, how good is your marriage really? Ask yourself what kind of long-term partnership do you want? If you are honest with yourself, are you going as deep as you could go? Have you ever fully revealed yourself to your partner? How much do you hold back in the bedroom? Are you using your new child(ren) as a way to avoid your wife and avoid deepening with her?

Is Cheating Inevitable?

What really happens to the intimacy when a new kid arrives? Is cheating common? What is it that really makes a man cheat on his wife? What is really going on here? If blame can’t be placed on the new child, then who is responsible?

Just the other day, I went to a friend’s place to help him and his wife dialogue about their struggling marriage. Their child is 3 and they continue to have big relationship challenges. My friends are choosing the seemingly steep climb to greater depth and connection. Honest couples get honest about what is going on and work with it. This takes tremendous courage and a willingness to tell the truth. Most couples avoid, avoid, avoid.

I work with many men who have cheated, some openly, others secretly. Most have huge shame and carry enormous guilt about it, even while continuing to do it.

First, try it on that cheating is always a symptom of something going on underneath the surface.

According to Gary Neuman who wrote The Truth About Cheating, “cheating rarely has anything to do with the woman being unattractive.” In fact, according to Gary Neuman 88% of the men he interviewed for his book said that the other woman “wasn’t better looking or in better shape than their wives.”

I mention this because a lot of men might initially place blame on their wife. She isn’t X enough or she’s so Y.

So, what is cheating?

Wikipedia defines Cheating as

“an act of lying, deception, fraud, trickery, imposture, or imposition. Cheating characteristically is employed to create an unfair advantage, usually in one’s own interest, and often at the expense of others,[1]”

In the case of a marriage or monogamous relationship, cheating is leaking your energy elsewhere. A lot of men will justify “leaky” behavior as “I’m just flirting.” or “I didn’t sleep with her, so it’s fine.” But you have to be really, really honest with yourself.

Cheating can be emotional, energetic, or physical.

For example, years ago I had an emotional affair with another woman. At the time it felt innocent and like it was no big deal. And when my girlfriend at the time sniffed it out, I tried to downplay it and move on. Later after receiving some hard feedback from trusted men in my men’s group and a gifted therapist, I owned up to the fact that I had in fact crossed a line and betrayed her.

I discovered that I was angry at my girlfriend and felt judged by her. So, by having an emotional affair and leaking with this other woman, I could indirectly say “fuck you” to my girlfriend because deep down I was hurt.

So, an emotional affair is where you might lean on another woman for support to discuss your relationship challenges. Women often seem safer than men to discuss relationship stuff. Men often go to a female co-worker or friend to vent (another great reason to have solid man friends and a men’s group).

A physical affair is quite obvious and involves physical contact with another woman where there is some sexual charge. Kissing, intercourse, oral sex, long leaky hugs, etc.

An energetic affair can be where you fish for flirting situations. You leak out your interest or see if another woman is interested just passing by at the airport, coffee shop, or bar. You might even use the internet to leak out your sexual energy by cruising someone’s facebook profile or surfing porn.  An online or in-person energetic affair can eventually lead to an emotional or physical affair.

Now, this is not to say a guy doesn’t “look” and can’t “look.” But to me that is different. It’s all in your intention and where your awareness is going. If you have a solid relationship, then any kind of “checking someone out” is going to be a lot less harmful or threatening. But if your relationship is built upon a shaky foundation, any instance where you leak your sexual energy out is an invitation for a fight and hurt feelings.

According to Neuman’s research:

• 1 in 2.7 men will cheat, and most of their wives will never find about it.
• 92% of men say that affairs aren’t primarily about sex.

Yikes! But why?

Why do Guys Cheat?

According to marriage counselor Gary Neuman, men cheat because of:

• Loneliness in their relationship or marriage.
• Affirmation from “the other women.”
• Not enough attention at home.

I would add that new Dads might cheat because of:

• Fear. Fear of intimacy, fear of failure, fear of being seen, fear of being hurt. Fear of hurting your partner.
• Anger. Unowned, unexpressed anger about some issue in the relationship
• Disconnection. Feeling no or little connection.
• Irritability with oneself and one’s situation
• Sexually frustrated. Perhaps your wife doesn’t find you attractive or refuses to have sex with you. Pretty soon, you might start looking elsewhere instead of dealing with the issue.
• Feeling left out. Some new dads report feeling “left out” because Mom and newborn are bonding so much. Dad starts to feel ignored and neglected.

Sadly Neuman says that “The number one reason men cheat is that there’s an emotional disconnection in the relationship. Husbands or partners feel underappreciated, and report a lack of thoughtful gestures. They’re lonely in their marriage.”

Here’s the deal. If you are unhappy in your marriage or your relationship, get off your ass and do something about it. If you are “underappreciated” or “disconnected” then get connected, get in the game. Stop waiting for your wife or partner to make the first move. Stop complaining and playing the victim. Take full responsibility today or you might end up with your tail between your legs like Tiger.

The only reason I have ever cheated on any girlfriend or had “emotional affairs,” was because something was “off” in the relationship and in myself and I was unwilling (and scared shitless) to address it.

The issue is quite simple. There is a relationship challenge or obstacle, and guys who cheat don’t want to address it, face it, or confront it. They would rather emotionally and physically “exit” the relationship. They “leak” energy outside the monogamous relationship.

So, why did Tiger Woods cheat?

It’s anybody’s guess, but in my eyes, he was obviously scared to address some issues before things got out of hand.

To me cheating is not the issue. Remember it’s a symptom. What set this behavior off? What was it that Tiger was feeling, experiencing, and wanting that he did not speak to? What was he so afraid of?

Tiger still has a real opportunity to “teach” his new children about love and about the challenges of relationship. But sadly, I don’t trust him to do that. He doesn’t have to. He can just keep playing golf, making great cash and people will likely forgive him. But most of us are not Tiger.

It’s time for men to Man Up

Remember this is not about staying together or acting “good.” Religious approaches to staying married simply don’t work. This is about getting real and being willing to tell the truth, no matter how painful to yourself first, then your partner.

When I work with couples, it is often the woman who drags the man into counseling or relationship coaching. This is sad but generally true. Why? Dudes don’t want to admit that they struggle or that something is wrong.

How could such a champion be so incompetent in relationship? Well, relationship is a lot more challenging for Tiger than golf. It is humbling for us to see such a champion brought to his knees and reveal his inadequacies and shame. Remember, he’s human like you and me.

I doubt Tiger will make a vow to be as good at relationship as he is at golf. But you can. If you still have something to learn about relationship and intimacy, practice being a student, take some classes, get some coaching and learn.

It is possible to have an amazing marriage and relationship. It took my wife and I about four years of intense counseling, coaching, mentoring to get to a place of profound intimacy. We hit a plateau and now we both want to go further. So, we are diving in and being students again, learning, opening, and making space for the magic of our connection to penetrate us both.

Relationship is an ever changing sea of chaos, uncertainty, love, pain, loss, and intensity. That is, if you engage it fully.

What to do?

So, if you are in a struggling or challenging marriage or relationship and you genuinely want it to be different, do something about it. Or, if you are in a good marriage, but know there can be more spark, more juicy sex, more profound love, get off the couch and take full responsibility for going after what you want.  Don’t pretend like you have your marriage handled if you don’t.

• Stay focused on your own growth and change. Do your own individual work. If your partner won’t agree to seek help, just work on accepting that and work to change yourself. Don’t get sucked into trying to fix your partner.
• Get professional help. I mean really good professional help. There are so many crappy relationship therapists, counselors, and coaches out there. Find one you instantly trust and feel safe with. It’s okay to ask for help. It’s okay to ask for help. It’s okay to ask for help.
• Get feedback from trusted friends and your men’s group. I’m not talking about friends who give lame advice. I’m talking about friends who have no agenda for you, save you being true and honest with yourself.
• If your relationship is going well, celebrate it–regularly!!
• If you divorce or leave the relationship please know and understand that your issues will follow you. You will find yourself in a similar situation unless YOU change. Try it on that you are the person with the relationship issue. That’s the good news. Knowing this gives you the freedom to do something about it.

Since today is International Men’s Day, reflect on these questions surrounding manhood:

• Have been initiated into manhood?
• How would I rate myself as a Man at this juncture in my life?
• In what areas do I have yet to grow?
• Where do I hold back in my life?
• What would I do if I wasn’t afraid today?
• How and What am I contributing to the world right now?
• How can I help a fellow man today?
• If I were to celebrate one thing about myself today, what would it be and whom can I share that with?
• Do I have other quality men in my life that demand the best from me and that have my back? If not, what am I going to do about it?
• Can I heal whatever wounds I have helped create toward women?
• What kind of man (father, son, brother, husband) do I want to be? What can I commit to to make that happen

Feel free to share below or with a fellow man. Practice celebrating your manhood with the women in your life. Let them know how you intend to carry yourself as a man. Will you be a typical man who acts like a boy or are you ready to man up and be a man?

The Good Men Project

Tom Matlock has opened the conversation about manhood and being a good man. His book is on a national tour right now along with accompanying documentary.  Watch this short trailer and you will get a sense of the book and project. Proceeds from book sales go to at-risk boys programs. Very cool.

10.27.2009 – (Boston, MA) – What does it mean to be a “good man?” Hear some answers as The Good Men Project kicks off its first series of events and begins a national conversation about modern manhood. The Project’s centerpieces are The Good Men Project: Real Stories from the Front Lines of Modern Manhood anthology of essays and the documentary film of the same name. The book is now available at Amazon.com and at select independent bookstores with DVDs of the film available on November 15. The Project’s founders, along with contributors to the book and film, will embark on a unique seven-week, three-city tour that will take them from a prison in New York to a TV and film studio in Hollywood. Along the way, they will tell their stories, answer questions, and foster a timely and essential discussion about what it means to be a good man.

Become a fan of the Good Man Project on Facebook here. Or buy the book Good Men Project.

Hold On To Your Nuts!

Next there’s a great book by Wayne Levine called “Hold on To Your Nuts” The relationship manual for men. Wayne’s a great guy and very committed to men’s work and helping men be their best. Wayne runs the West Coast Men’s Center and leads men’s retreats.

The Art Of Manliness

Then, there’s a more conventional guidebook by the popular men’s site http://ArtOfManliness.com

The Art Of Manliness has also just released their new book:

The Art of manliness, Classic Skills and Manners for the Modern Man. Here’s a short video of Bretty McKay announcing the book!

Become a fan of Art of manliness on facebook here.

Manhood For Amateurs

And then there’s a book of one man’s journey with manhood. Manhood for Amateurs: The Pleasures and Regrets of a Husband, Father and Son by Michael Chabon. This one sounds like it might be juicy.

There have been no shortage of books on motherhood, but daddy diaries are a growing phenomenon. Chabon raises the bar with his often poignant meditations on manhood, fatherhood and aspects of his own childhood. Most of these loosely connected essays, which add up to an episodic autobiography of sorts, first appeared in Details magazine. In addition to the gorgeous prose for which he is celebrated, several lovely qualities shine through.

He emerges from these 39 beautifully written personal essays as a prince among men. Not only does he produce dazzling novels that have given genre fiction literary cachet — including The Yiddish Policemen’s Union (2007) and his Pulitzer Prize-winning Amazing Adventures of Kavalier & Clay (2001) — he also cooks, cleans, markets and gets his children to their appointments — and counts himself fortunate to be in a position to do so. Read The rest here.

What other current books do you recommend? No books that are over 5 years old please.

There isn’t one.

But why there is no formal model for being a man?

There are plenty of informal models of how to be a man on TV, Hollywood and famous sports figures. In other words, because there is no formal model, we are left to observing other men in our day-to-day routines.

Therefore, we end up observing whomever we see the most: Our Dads and famous people who we see on TV and our computer on a regular basis.

As you already know, I’m not into ho-hum manhood exemplified by Homer Simpson, Jimmy Kimmel or even Lance Armstrong.

As much as I respect pro-athletes work ethic, their manhood modeling is far from badass.

And, while my Dad was amazing in many respects, he had his own limitations.

Remember that due to our lack of formal initiation into manhood in this culture, there is no template for young boys to become a man. It is all very vague.

In taking a risk, I am providing one formal model for manhood. It’s quite simple.

But as with any system or model, it must be tested against your own experience. And, the essential point is how I live it every day.

I call it the 5 Pillars of being a Man.

If you want to be the best man you can be, it is going to require that you go beyond status quo manhood.

I don’t claim to be “the” man. Ha, hardly. I am growing every day. Each day I am met with new challenges and the Universe reminds me of how I am not living into my potential.

Therefore, I strive to be a man who inspires others into their greatness.

I get one shot at this life and I want to die having given everything I could.

This model is not dogma. It is here for you to work from and explore. Consider it a blueprint from which to measure yourself as a Man

You might want to consider taking a life inventory in these categories.

I am just going to skim the surface on these. If you want to go into greater detail, cruise my website for these themes, download a much longer description of each here, or apply for my Men’s Leadership Training for 2010.

The 5 Pillars of Manhood

Pillar 1–Self-knowledge/ Self Mastery

This is represented by the central pillar (from top to bottom) in the logo above.

The foundational key to being a man in our current time in history means that you know yourself inside and out.  How well do you know yourself?

Do you understand your strengths and weaknesses? How much time do you spend self-reflecting?

You must be willing to be yourself fully without apology and without reservation. This requires to know all of you.

Our capacity to love others is dependent upon our capacity to love ourselves.

If you don’t know your foundational pillar and what makes you tick, chances are you will easily be thrown off in life.

Read more on self knowledge here.

Pillar 2 — Relationships

The next pillar is all about you in relationship to others. Life is about relating to other people.

If that’s true, how are your relationship skills? Intimacy? Sexually? Co-workers? Family?

There must be a feedback loop in life. If I just go it alone, I never know how others experience me and I never have anyone to love me, learn from me, or call bullshit on me.

Have you fully explored the unlimited possibilities of human connection and relationship?

Are you a judger? An enabler? A co-dependent person? How do you do relationship?

How are your relationships with men different than your relationships with women?

What tools do you employ to help you grow in this area? Do you have a mentor or coach? Are you in a men’s group?

In my father’s generation, men sucked it up and did everything on their own. But this leaves us very isolated and this approach to manhood is bankrupt.

Can you still be self-reliant AND be in relationship in a deep way?

Pillar 3—Leadership

Lee IaCocca recently wrote a great book “where have all the leaders gone?”

Ask yourself if you are living into your leadership potential?

Some men are naturally leaders, yes, but we all have the ability to lead.

This involves four main points:

• You have a willingness to take charge and be a leader.

• You are the leader of your own life. You take 100% responsibility for yourself and your life.

• You step up and speak out against social injustices

• You commit to non-violence and social justice as a primary leadership model

Pillar 4-Service (Compassion)

We are on this earth to serve, to help one another. A man dedicates his life to helping others.

He moves from “what can I get” out of life, to “what can I give life.”

You choose a life purpose that has something to do with helping others.

But your service does not come from “I should” serve because then I will get validation etc.  Service is just a part of who you are.

If you are not service oriented, you acknowledge this and begin to work on developing compassion and service toward others.

Pillar 5 Celebration

Life can get serious, challenging and difficult. We also need to smile and have a good time.

You make having fun a priority in your life.

Read more on celebration here.

The Empty Space around the logo.

You could call this the 6^th pillar, but empty space is just that—empty space. It represents the space within which we live our lives and cosmic LOVE.

This can also be seen as a man’s spirituality or spiritual connection.

To find out more about this more esoteric aspect of the logo, it is best explained and experienced in person at one of my live events.

Action Step:

Feel free to use this model as an outline for your life and the kind of man you are.

Evaluate your life in these areas using the life inventory.

I’ll leave you with a question I often ask:

“What kind of Man will you be?”