Art by Bryce Widom

Most men are locked up and confused sexually.

I am a student when it comes to sex. Sex has brought me incredible shame and unbelievable joy in my life.

Pretty much every guy I have ever talked to about his sex life has been challenged one way or another in the bedroom.

Sex is the most widely googled term. By in large, we are a sexually repressed culture and it leaks out in hypersexualized images everywhere.

Most of us grew up being robbed of a genuine, heartfelt, honest education about sex. Men (and women of course) have received a ridiculous amount of misinformation about sex from boyhood to manhood. Many men remain sexually immature, confused and illiterate. Sex education completely falls short of the what we need to succeed and feel good about ourselves sexually.

As a result, many men are unhappy and ashamed. In addition, with little to no information about the power of sex and the male sex organ, boys and men act out everywhere from rape to every form of sexual abuse and violence. Instead of learning about his erectile dysfunction,  a man can now just take a pill to get a hard on without ever addressing the hidden intelligence of his body’s flaccidity. We remain numb, asleep, angry, hurt, isolated, and very confused about sex.

However, there are pockets of wisdom out there where children, teens and adults can get all the information they need. Brave folks like David Cates are paving the way to help us re-claim the totality of our sexuality. Last year I hired David who is a deep sexual healer (a.k.a. sex coach) to help me. My wife and I were ready to deepen into the next sexual phase of our relationship. Being married with a new baby presents challenges to new parents like us. I was eager to get support from David and learn a new sexual dance and carve out new sexual pathways with my wife.

I have read David Deida, Mantak Chia, the Multi-Orgasmic Male, and other tantric-type books, but all of them have put me further into the “performance game” that most men find themselves in. These teachers have helped a lot of men, but most men just employ the tools without doing any spiritual work, so they lack a solid foundation. The trap is that in order to feel good sexually and get what we want, a man thinks he has to try harder, perform better, “fuck her open to God,” and do it right. He learn tricks, tips, and breathing exercises, in a never ending “project” that requires a ton of work. It’s not too long into this process that many men collapse in frustration.

David Cates, on the other hand, turns this performance game on it’s head. He is teaching me that sex can be effortless. He is teaching me the power of relaxation instead of performance. His teachings are realistic and compassionate toward both parties. I have been so psyched on what I’m learning that I asked David if he’d teach at my leadership training. He did. It rocked. Now, I have asked him yet again to share more of his wisdom in a free conference call.

I strongly suggest you at least sign up for this free call we are doing next Monday the 16th.

After that, if you want to dive in to an amazing 6-week course on the subject of how to get out of the performance game and into a place of “ease” sexually, please join us. And, it’s not what you think, seriously. Click the link to view more about what you will learn…

The Truth is In Your Body, Effortless Sex for a Lifetime

Lastly, it is time we stop keeping sex as this hidden affair. The more we all collude and not share our sexual wounds and victories, the more we let our culture dictate the rules placed upon us so long ago. Let’s talk about sex!

I just returned from my 20 year high school reunion. Wow. Who did I connect with the most? My gay friends who were not openly gay growing up and my Mormon pals who left the LDS church. “Yup, I’m gay and this is my partner so and so….” So, immediately, I was super interested and intrigued about what it must have been like since high school (and before) to have walked in their shoes.

Gay men (and other oppressed folks) have had to face something that I, as a white, heterosexual dude have the luxury of avoiding–the question of personal identiy.

Disclaimer: I speak only from the therapeutic and coaching work I have done with gay men and from the gay friends I have. I invite my gay brothers to chime in here and speak about your own experience. I generalize here and I feel okay about it. Am I sterotyping? Perhaps. You tell me.

If you are gay, from a very early age, you have had to face your identity head on. No matter how much you try to avoid it, or suppress it, it will haunt you, so my gay friends tell me. The core incongruency is so painful and jarring, that it is impossible to avoid successfully unless you are an advanced narcissist and surround yourself with brainwashing so powerful, you completely leave behind who you really are for a false identity that will grant you what you want so badly—more acceptance or perceived acceptance.

Generally, the advanced narcissist has so much power, money, and privilege that he can continue to hide. But even with the narcissist, his secret life will eventually leak out. His porn addiction, his sexual acting out, his fraudulent behavior, the lying, cheating, etc. Since he has such a fragile ego, and his identity is false, he goes on the offensive and often attacks, thus defending the fragile inner core. What’s deep inside the narcissist may never be discovered as many of these men take their secrets to their grave.

The gay man, on the other hand, is used to being on the defensive. Everything in modern, western culture is stacked against him. It seems to me that an openly gay man still has less rights than a woman, a black man, or a disabled veteran (correct me if I’m wrong here). Strangely, every other man knowingly or unknowingly measures himself against a gay man. Growing up, if you act weak, too emotional, or feminine, you will likely be made fun of as a fag, girly, or gay.  As I have written before, this can be a boy or man’s biggest fear–being perceived as gay, or too feminine. So a straight man must act “not gay” rather than just being himself. And, a gay man must do the same.

When a gay man finally does have the tremendous courage to “come out” and owns that he is gay, he might experience relief, the burden lifted, even though what lies ahead is still incredibly steep for him. But the gay man’s journey to coming out is a hero’s journey by all accounts.

He must dive deep inside and investigate what is actually true. And this is the meat of what I’m trying to say here. Gay men do the work. What work? The work to get to know oneself fully, to become aligned with who you are. A gay man who comes out addresses the core incongruency that we all feel inside. Once this core identity issue is addressed, a solid foundation is now in place for a man to move forward in life and is now more resourced to handle all of life’s challenges.

For most of us straight folks, the only time we have to face ourselves is when we are in pain. We too know what a core incongruency feels like, but we don’t always act, nor do we have to act. It is not until life throws us a major curve ball via a crisis or cosmic loving connection, do we even have to pay attention. So, let us take a note from the playbook of the gay man who has come out. That guy has serious balls. Let him motivate you to find that core congruency in yourself so that you can stop living someone else’s truth and live your own.

To review, what can us straight guys learn from gay guys? Fearless self-honesty.

Thank you gay brothers and sisters for modeling the courage it takes to look in the mirror and get honest. You inspire me.

p.s. I also understand that once a gay man is openly gay it doesn’t mean he continues a path of self-honesty. He can be just as full of shit as the rest of us!

If you are a hungry man, keep reading. I am calling out to evolving men who may want to join our tribe.

I just finished a 6 month Men’s Leadership Training and WOW.  11 men + 10-12 staff and me all went through this amazing modern-day rite of passage.

I think it’s safe to say, this was a life changing experience for everyone involved.

Testimonials and a video to come….

I witnessed men:

• go from boy to man
• get in touch with their authentic power
• experience a deep connection to source, the divine, and God
• who now know what it is like to have men in their lives who genuinely have their back
• get in touch with deep rage and express it
• gain seriously clarity around their life purpose
• go from being stuck and locked up to incredibly open, loving, and powerful
• feel safe enough and relaxed enough to take major risks and explore real conflict with each other
• step into solid leadership on the fly
• willingly make mistakes and fail so they could move forward
• learn what a true brotherhood is really about
• and on and on…

I too grew into the next level of me-hood. I stepped into my power and leadership like never before and it was nothing like I expected it to be. I eventually led from a place of total transparency, a first for masculine leadership and I was able to model the new masculine paradigm.

The training is a really solid place to explore and expand yourself in a super safe container. A weekend workshop is never enough time to build this kind of community. But within six months, you have time to enter conflict and work through your own challenges and interpersonal challenges. And, you get to stay in a mountain home and live together during the weekend intensives, taking “community” from a concept into an experience.

What I am now clear about is that I am holding some big masculine space for whatever needs to happen in men who want to dive deeper. When a tribe is safe, community members are free to let go and express themselves fully. Knowing that you are held is what many of us have longed for.

This tribe is growing. So, are you ready to join us next time?

Here is what one man said:

This training has offered me so much in my personal growth and spiritual development, I can honestly say that it has transformed my life. The connections that I’ve made with the men, the breakthroughs that I had, and watching my confidence in myself grow, have been truly astounding to witness. Self discovery, really sums up my experience of this training. I feel more confident, self assured, self awareness, and most of all I feel really supported, emotionally and spiritually. I know all of these men have my back, in the same way I have theirs. Powerful, transformative, awakening, edges pushed, shadows unveiled, playfulness,  feeling held, going deeper, unlimited potential and room for growth.

Ian Shaw
personal trainer/kickboxing instructor/media-music specialist
Oregon/Colorado

and here’s another man’s words…

I’m still processing everything from our tribe’s six months together. A lot has happened for me since January and my life keeps getting better everyday. I’m starting my lifelong dream of traveling around the world without a set agenda in September. I would not have had the self confidence to quit my job and align my life with my purpose if I had not had the support of you and this tribe. I was able to face and deal with issues that have been holding me back since childhood and that still effect my relationships today. The brothers in my small group supported me and held me accountable on a weekly basis. I’m in great appreciation and awe of their support. It has made me realize the power of living honestly and with extreme integrity. It keeps bringing so many amazing new gifts and people into my life. I’m a huge supporter of this work and realize that what we have started is just a beginning. I’m freaking jazzed about the vision for the new conscious masculine paradigm.

Aho!

Tom Taber

The short video below is quite vague, but if you take a glimpse, you’ll begin to feel how i was personally impacted. Grrrrr.

Artwork by Bryce Widom

Okay friends. This post is inspired by Matt who listened to my interview on the new man podcast about rites of passage experiences (ROP). I get a lot of emails from men asking me this important question so let’s make this a dialogue.

It is important that I include part of my own journey, specifically the massive rite of passage I find myself in currently. Watch the video which covers a broad overview and some details about my own death/rebirth experience.

Next, tell us about what you have created in terms of a rite of passage for yourself? What has worked for you personally? What was missing?

Then read the basic steps below to begin creating your own ROP.

Here is Matt’s inquiry:

Heard you on the New Man show. What an awesome interview!

Turns out I actually have a rite of passage planned myself for this summer & if you wouldn’t mind guiding me with some of your expertise, I would sure appreciate it!

I’ll be hitch hiking across Canada on $0. My intention is to relate to myself as someone who can survive and even thrive in the world with nothing – and from there, create massive wealth for myself and the world.

Another part of this is I will be living off the kindness & generosity of the world & of others. I get a little weird around receiving & I want to explore what comes up for me around that.

(1) How can I integrate the wisdom passed down through generations on how to create a really powerful rite of passage?

(2) Is there anything i’m missing or things I’ve already incorporated I should make sure not to skip?

First, to understand why I believe men need a rite of passage or an initiation, read this post.

Any good rite of passage has 5 main components

1. The Call. Most men at some point in time feel a longing to go through something hard, to taste danger, death, and the unknown. If you have ever felt that longing, it is what Joseph Campbell describes as “the call to adventure” on the hero’s journey. For evolving men, this call is critical. Many of you have turned away from the call at certain points in your life. Many of you have turned toward the call and stepped into it fully.

If you never felt like there was a call for you personally, you were likely not paying attention.

2. Severance. This is where you must leave the comforts of your own home, community, tribe, and go off on your own. Even in modern day times, you can get away alone into the wilderness, meditate in a retreat cabin for months. However you don’t need to trot off into the wilderness alone like the movie Into the Wild. You can, in my case currently, engage in an urban rite of passage while staying within the framework of your life (family, job, etc). If this is the case, your “severance” will simply look differently.

3. Initiation. The initiation can take many months, many years or just a few hours. What are you being initiated into? There will always be a threshold you have to cross. What is it? What does it represent? Are you going from boy to man? Are you leaving the corporate world to discover who you really are? Whatever the case, you must cross a threshold of some kind in order for your initiation to move forward.

Within the initiation is the fourth component:

4. The ORDEAL. This is the crux of the ROP and where you must face some kind of mortality, death experience only to be reborn anew. This death can be an actual near death experience, or an ego-death, meaning a part of you dies or is let go of.

Be realistic. It is never what you think or want it to be. Even still, set an intention (see below). This is where I am right now in my life. In the middle of a birth canal of some kind.

As my bro Jeremy likes to say, “Everybody wants to be reborn, but not everyone is willing to die.” In other words, I want to the goodies, but I’m not willing to face my demons, my fears, or what might kill me. Any genuine ROP must have have an ordeal, a test, a challenge that really confronts the deepest, darkest aspects of yourself.

Sometimes in life, we don’t choose the ordeal, it chooses us. Such as the death of a loved one or a catastrophe that was out of our hands, or a major crisis of some kind. This then, if you choose to engage it fully, becomes the crucible to a deeper you.

Once on the other side of the ordeal, if you live to tell about it, is finding your way back bringing your gift.

5. The return. This is a critical component and one that many men blow. If you want to impact others by who you now are, you must come back, tell them, and more importantly show them who you are now. You are now different, altered in some way. Your community needs your gifts, your lessons, your new, fresh perspective. You have a gift to give in some way. It is your job to find out what you are bringing back, bring it back, and find out how you need to deliver it.

A few other key points to consider

Determine why you are wanting this. Why now? What is your intention setting out? What is the point? Are you really willing to surrender fully, partially? Get crystal clear on why are you setting out into the unknown.

Then, as my bro Dan Riggan once told me when we led four, back to back, 7-day men’s ROP wilderness trips together, set your intention and let it go. That’s right. Offer it up and be open to whatever experience you get. It will likely be very different than you wanted or expected.

For example, if Matt’s intention is “to relate to myself as someone who can survive and even thrive in the world with nothing – and from there, create massive wealth for myself and the world,” then he needs to consider what “death” needs to happen to step into this. What needs to die in me? What am I willing to let go of and burn forever? He might actually create a ritual within his journey to address this.

Since Matt also wants to explore receiving, more clarity is needed here. What qualifies as receiving? From who? Just because Matt might learn to receive from others on the hitchhiking journey, does that mean he’ll be more able to receive love from his family, lover, and friends? Learning how to receive love is a massive edge for me and most men.

Determine if you want others involved. How so? What is their role? I believe it is essential to have a few “mid-wives” that have gone down the path before you that will have some idea of what you are going through. Someone who can “hold you” through whatever darkness you might encounter.

A mentor is key here. It is also possible to get others on board so they can be doing their ROP concurrently. For example, maybe several men in your men’s group want to do a four day vision fast together. This is good for safety in the wilderness. If, on the other hand, you might want to go-it-alone. If you want to do a year-long journey and travel abroad alone, your set up and support system must be well calculated.

For Matt, who is holding him throughout the process? What kind of spiritual context, framework or undercurrent will assist him?

Determine the structure. Is it tight such as a month-long solo meditation retreat in a cabin? Or is the structure loose and open-ended like Matt’s? Is the wind going to take you or are you in the driver’s seat planning every step? Go after your growth edge. Do what is uncomfortable, new, and fresh for you. But stay away from stupid, irresponsible, impulsive acts.

Use the 5 steps above or look more into Joseph Campbell’s hero’s journey for an outline to your ROP.

The more embodied your journey the better. Being in your body will help you clear blocks, move through karma, and release old emotions. If you are not experiencing pain and great joy, something is likely off. If you don’t feel anything during your experience from tremendous highs to dark lows, then re-evaluate. I know plenty of meditators that just sit there and space out and think they are getting somewhere.

Having a daily practice of some kind, be it meditation, journaling, walking quietly, and other contemplative, body-present-centered practices faciliate a deeper journey.

What about illicit substances? If used consciously and in a ritualistic, respectful way, plant medicine such as peyote or ayahuasca can be massively transformative for truth seekers and courageous men willing to face their demons and their darkness to uncover their light. Plant medicine is only to be done under the guidance of trained shamans and elders who deeply know the power and potential consequences of their use.

Document your ROP. Bring a flip video or journal and keep track on things. Write about it, and share it live or later on. This way, others can learn from your experience.

What about you? Tell us about your ROP. What was it like? If you have never gone through one, what kind of ROP might serve who you are at your stage in life? What in you needs to die right now? What new aspect of yourself is wanting to emerge?

This is my quick take on the new masculine paradigm that is being born right now. The question is, will you step into it with me? This one is going to take serious balls and a big, wide, open heart. Let’s do it!

I can feel freedom and liberation seeping into my pores! Finally the kind of freedom I have been yearning for.

After watching the video above, watch the one below. This is me right after one of my meltdowns during the Men’s Leadership Training that I was leading recently. Yes, I said “meltdown.” You know, crying, sobbing and drooling on myself in front of 24 other men. It was a huge step in the right direction for me. But not just feeling. Being transparent and open whilst staying in the captain’s seat. I am finding a middle way here and I’m freakin’ pumped about it.

It was a liberating experience.

The world needs more men willing to be completely who they are, completely and utterly authentic and genuine, warts and all. My commitment is to “show you” how to be yourself by leading by example. This means that I continue to reveal more about who I am on this blog.

Be sure to read my previous post on WTF is happening to me for more information. Remember the two key lessons are 1) make mistakes and 2) be transparent and congruent.

I LOVE NOT TRYING TO BE SOMEBODY!!!!

Yoga is such a great metaphor when it comes to your personal development.

In a previous post we discussed that by learning to bring an attitude of love to your personal development, you heal, become whole, and ultimately find the freedom and happiness you long for.

Another way to view this love and acceptance stuff is by taking a quick look at yoga.

Yoga looks like a bunch of people stretching. The more you go, the more flexible you become and the tighter your ass/abs, right?

Not so much.

Below that conventional yoga approach is a deeper yoga. As my yoga teacher Matt likes to say, most folks think that yoga is about flexibility. While this is true on one level, the deeper cut as Matt reminds me, is that yoga is the ability to meet resistance (your inflexibility) with acceptance. The more you meet your edge with acceptance, the more the resistance begins to release, and the more “flexible” you become.

Force does not work in yoga. Trust me, I have tried it. When I was “trying hard” and “pushing it” I would consistently throw out my back and I even dislocated my shoulder twice. But one must engage the resistance, the edge, in order to gain the fruits that lie just beyond your resistance, which is more openness, expansion, more flexibility, and ultimately more love.

During a yoga class one can very easily put their attention on their lack. How much flexibility you lack. Each day you come in with an improvement project to get more flexible. You beat yourself up, try harder, and eventually if you are stubborn and stick with it for years, you might actually become incredibly flexible on the outside. Once you reach what that other guy in class is doing you are not necessarily farther along. Because “how” you achieved this is problematic.

You got there through your old habit of pushing and working hard. So, your body learns that to open, relax, accept, and surrender to love and openness, you need to push, try harder, and work harder. So, you did little to become more flexible and open in your “inner” body or mind. You willed your body into compliance through an egoic process and as a result, you will keep getting the same old results out in your life.

This old-school approach is where most men including myself fall victim to the typical masculine belief that:

effort = results

Instead of your habitual trying-to-get-somewhere attitude, practice loving what is, in this moment. Let love, compassion, and acceptance be your attitude and see what happens. Notice what style of “yoga” you live in your life? Are you always trying to force something? Or maybe you want to will your way to success?

Bottom line? The attitude with which we bring to yoga (and our personal development journey) is the key to our freedom. So, instead of the old way, try this one:

love and acceptance + “right” action = results

If you think acceptance is giving up or being weak check out these teachers on acceptance: Tara Brach and Byron Katie.

Stay tuned for yet another post coming up on this tricky paradox of personal development and how focusing on “what’s working” can further increase your results.

Photo by Josh Levin

In my humble opinion radical personal development has one powerful process and its core.

Knowing and living this one gem can be the difference between the relentless self-improvement project and experiencing true joy, abundance, and fulfillment, especially for men who are habitually geared toward “improving” and “being better.”

So, what is this process?

LOVE.

That’s right. Love in every form. From self-love, to loving others, and even loving things.

“Loving” is the process by which we transform, evolve and open to greater and greater aspects of ourselves. Typically the process of loving happens within the context of relationships, a major pain and pleasure experience for most men.

If you are a normal man, you have struggled in the realm of relationships. Perhaps you have had your heart broken, been betrayed, or maybe you have experienced great pain in losing a loved one.

Love shows up in our “relationship” to family, friends, pets, co-workers, race, politics, money, the environment, and of course, our relationship to ourselves. And, like most men, you might attempt to tackle your relationship problems with more doing, acheiving, trying harder, and more problem solving. But if you desire more fulfilling relationships, try setting aside your current masculine approach and lean into loving as your “way.”

If amazing relationships are your destination, loving (adjective and verb) is the path to get there.

Pour genuine love into just about any kind of relationship and you will get results you were not getting before. Learn how to open your heart in your relationships and your relationships will evolve and deepen. Give some love to yourself and you will find over time that your personal blocks, issues, and challenges transform. Love your demons, your fear, and the parts of yourself you don’t like and something powerful begins to occur. Love is what transforms your judgments of others (which are disowned judgments of yourself) into acceptance.

I’m here to purport that love is the greatest medicine in personal and spiritual development.

As Carl Jung says,

“Love is the dynamism that most infallibly

brings the unconscious to the light.”

Try it on that you are either opening to love or contracting away from love. Anything else is an ego-building project. More status, money, fame, power, are all just another ego trip.

Love is who you are at the most fundamental level. It is the main food you survived on during infancy and childhood, and the teaching you likely delivered to your parents during that precious time.

This concept is something I thought I understood for years. I remember when I was 21 listening to the Samples song about loving myself. It made sense. In that moment I realized I kinda loved myself. Looking back, I had no idea about what that really meant or what was possible with love. I had layers upon layers of self-protection that were unconscious to me and I was pretty unhappy.

If I am honest with myself, I spend most of my time in subtle levels of contraction. However, slowly over time that is shifting. Parenting, my men’s group, my marriage, and my life keep pointing me toward greater love. As any of you parents know, a new baby in your life can crack the dam open pretty wide. It continues to crack, some days it bursts open and my love comes ripping out like a mountain torrent. Other days my love is just a trickle, and some moments, my love is well hidden far behind the dam, which, in those moments seems impenetrable.

Loving is changing how I work with people and the view I take on the personal development path. I know there is an endless well of depth and profundity to me experiencing love. I’m suggesting the same for you.

So, I’m here to challenge you to join me in opening to greater and greater love in the context of your relationships and your life. Why not? What do you have to loose? Think about a world where you and others exuded love most waking hours?

To me opening one’s heart is the hardest practice of all. Much harder than climbing big peaks, going to med school (so I’ve been told), being lost in the wilderness, or even starting a business. A man’s relationship to his work, his family, his partner, his guy friends, and his environment can all be enhanced with serious and frequent doses of love.

Since, loving might just be the hardest practice, here are some basic tips to love more and more.

First, get honest and think of your relationship to love. How much do you feel love? Do you know what it feels like? What is more of an edge for you– giving or receiving love? Big picture in life and with your intimate partner or lover.  For many men receiving love is a much steeper path. Receiving love is largely a feminine process and most guys are simply not in touch with the feminine aspect of themselves. I struggle with both but my greater challenge is in receiving love.

Here are some signs that you could use some help receiving love:

• You always have to be “on top” during sex.
• You are great and helping others and being there for friends, but you never ask for, or need, help.
• You blow off compliments and affirmations with a compliment back, without first taking a breath and letting what the person said sink in and impact you.
• You like to be in control and be the leader.
• You have a hard time relaxing and doing nothing.

Signs that you are challenged by giving love:

• You resist giving a genuine compliment to a co-worker, lover, or friend.
• You hoard things in your life such as money.
• You are territorial
• You say things to yourself like “I am not going to drop the “L bomb” on her until I really feel it.
• You withhold your love for the “right relationship.”
• You judge, hate, blame, shame, and make fun of others.
• You believe that gays are bad, criminals should be locked up forever or killed, and you think anyone who doesn’t believe what you believe is going to hell.
• You see giving your love as someone potentially taking something from you.

Now, on to the practices.

I am practicing most of these daily. I suggest that you choose the ones that fit you and your life.

Warning: Only do these if you want to experience more love in your life. If you prefer contraction, being shut down, or have a stronger allegiance to your fear, please skip these practices and see if you can genuinely love where you are at instead of judging yourself. Seriously.

Practices toward greater love

1. Practice connecting to your own love. Close your eyes, meditate, relax and breathe into your heart. Imagine someone (or something) you love deeply. See if you can feel the love in your body, not just think about the concept. What does it feel like and where do you feel it? Can you expand it?

2. Live love daily. Commit to showing at least one person love every day. Strangers, friends, co-workers, and even yourself.

• Self-love. Stand in front of a mirror. Talk to that guy in the mirror and let him know by saying things like “I accept you” or “what I love about you is…”
• Love others. When you are at the store, a coffee shop, an elevator, or in your building at work, just make someone’s day by opening to them and loving them. Tell them directly what you appreciate about them in that moment, or show them with your body language and your smile without saying a word.
• Notice when you showing love is genuine, forced, or faked. All are find, but notice the difference and what it takes to drop in to a genuine expression of love. Faking it helps you see where you are holding back.
• Find an accountability partner. Send your accountability partner a text message every night, letting them know you showed love to someone that day. If you forgot, or didn’t do it, practice in the mirror, or, directly with them via text by letting them know you love them. Send a TM that reads one word: love.

3. Express gratitude. Do this verbally with someone or in your journal every day. Use a service such as gratitude log or just let yourself know 3 things you are grateful for prior to going to bed. “I am grateful for A, B, and C.”

4. Set the tone every morning. Every morning for 10 minutes do practice one and commit to love today. Choose love over stress, being grumpy, or complaining.

5. Own your fear and contraction. Remember that we are either opening to love or closing down to it (fear). Own your fear, own how comfortable you are in judgment and contraction.

6. Make a list of everything you get by keeping your heart closed and withholding your love. Share it with another man.

One of the first things you might notice by doing these practices, is that you will begin to bring awareness to how often you are closed down. No need to judge this, just open to the truth of your experience and love that.

Now, why the hell would you do this daily? Well, simply because most of us claim we want to feel better, be happier, be more at peace, or experience more love in our life. If this is true for you, I challenge you to commit to this for 1 month and see what happens. Find another man to do this with. Why another man? Because it is harder of course. Okay fine, a woman friend is good, but at some point, man up with another man and practice together. As my mentor David Cates likes to say, “If a man can’t love other men, he can’t love the man in himself.”

And finally as Pema Chodron says so eloquently:

“If your everyday practice is to open to all your emotions, to all the poeple you meet, to all the situations you encounter, without closing down, trusting that you can do that–then that will take you as far as you can go. And then you’ll understand all the teachings that anyone has ever taught.”

Stay tuned for part 2 of this post in a few days when we discuss how the yoga of self-acceptance might impact a guy like you.

For now, let’s here your thoughts.

The other day I sent out a call for feedback for men everywhere (Stay tuned…). My request was for one sentence from anyone and everyone. Interesting that several women completely disregarded the “one sentence” rule and just went for it.

Here is one poignant example from my friend Nomali who wrote to us men exquisitely. She came up with her own introduction to it. I have not edited a thing and have received her permission to post it. I was deeply inspired upon reading her note and feel as though it may serve you. Thank you Nomali!

Notice yourself as you read this. Are you skeptical? Do you allow her words to penetrate you? Do you contract because of you are afraid to let her in? Does the spiritual tone sound too much for you? Or are you grateful for a woman that shares her vulnerability with you? What would it feel like for a woman to actually speak to you in this manner?

If you are a man hungry for more in intimacy and relationship, let this be a love letter beckoning you to show up and go deeper.

Painting My Lover: Men – Women – Me – You – Who?

by Nomali Perera

Crazy-ass long mad thing I suddenly found myself writing after I saw a posting by Jayson Gaddis of “Revolutionary Man” (What Is Your Constructive Feedback For MEN? – http://tinyurl.com/yh46lyj). This is waaaaay too long for what Jayson Gaddis is looking for. I mostly just found myself writing more about myself than men and so, this is just my note. And please know that this is MY letter. I am not speaking for other women. I am also not directing this at any one man. And sometimes I am guilty of what I complain about. I know it and am honest about it. Why did I really have all this gushing out of me? I have no idea. Maybe just because I am a woman. And sometimes, I just shamelessly gush.

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If there was a car accident and you were the first one the scene, chances are you would respond and immediately lend yourself to the situation. Right? Most men would step up and serve in that moment without question, without hesitation.

How is it that some guys can really step up when it matters most, but in the day to day routine of life hold back so much? What will it take for you to “respond” to the call of your life?

What mistakes have you made that have you in a career that is luke warm? What are you doing about it?

If you still reading, you are at least aware that there is a problem. If you read my blog, you know there’s more out there.

Some of you are in the initial phase of career change. Some of you are just realizing there is a problem. And others of you are well along the path, having already taken some big risks toward the future, your life purpose, and what you want.

In this culture, work matters. Even though it is only what you do, for many men it becomes your identity. And, if you don’t like your work, that has a big impact on who you are as a man and how you are showing up in the world.

If you’re anything like me, a man’s road of career development is frustrating, challenging and relentless. It’s what I wake up in the morning every day having to face.

Let’s look at the top 3 reasons you, and men like you, play it safe, hate their job and continue to hold back from what’s possible.

REASON NUMBER 1-  You Let Someone Else be the Leader.

You got on the wrong train and became a follower.  You did what you were supposed to do or needed to do, rather than what you wanted to do.

Before we dive further into this point, it is important to understand the rationale men use in their career development and what kinds of men they are. From my experience, unhappy career men are divided into four categories:

Man A. The Hamster

Somewhere along his life path, often in his 20’s, a man lands a good paying job with the potential for career advancement. Without doing a serious inquiry and innocently enough, he takes the job and then the years go by.

This man likes stability and stays in that job until he retires. This type of man was more common in my father’s generation. This man gets on the hamster wheel early and for some dog-gone reason, stays on the damn wheel.

Man B. The strategist

This guy will do some serious searching early in his career and may change jobs several times in his 20’s and even in to his 30’s until he settles with a firm or a company. He may go to grad school to pursue an MBA, to further his skills and to make more cash.

This guy stays with a job for no more than 2 years before moving on to a better job—better pay, benefits, office views, and titles with more clout and credibility.  In this case he is looking for “career advancement” and so he develops a skill set or two he is good at and finds work that supports that advancement.

Men tell me that at this stage they are climbing the corporate latter. Other men in this category have told me that they seek more challenging positions so they can continue to grow as a leader within the workplace.

Man C—The Family Man.

Family men tell me that they had to get a serious job to support the family, the mortgage, and the other responsibilities that come along with “growing up” and being an adult.

As his family grows, so does his need for more money to afford more things the family needs—a bigger house, another car, more money for schooling, more mouths to feed etc.  The upgrades often continue, as does the necessary salary to support it.

Man D—The wanderer

This unique guy attempts to find work that feeds him. This man takes some bold risks and is pretty adventurous. This guy is wandering, unclear of what to do and only takes jobs to support his lifestyle. He is pretty ambivalent about work and money, but knows there is more to life than work.

This guy often takes a low paying job supposedly “doing what he loves” but ends up doing it for a long time which leads to him feeling “stuck.”

These guys often work in the restaurant business, ski industry, retail clothing and other “service industry” related  jobs. This guy may be rebelling against what man A-C do, but is equally unhappy. (This was me).

Some men like their work, good for them

Now, to be fair, all of these types of men have the potential to be fulfilled with their work and plenty of these men are happy, fulfilled and excited about the work they do and the situation they are in. Good for them. We are not talking about them, however. We’re talking about you.

It begins to make sense why men choose career paths that they do. Which man out of the four are you? What do all of these men have in common?

Did you do what you were “supposed to do” or needed to do?  Did you stop looking for what really inspired you and so you settled? Perhaps while at the station, you just got on the career building train and found it hard to exit.

The most common theme between these men is that they let external stressors such as starting a family, debt from student loans or credit cards, a mortgage, and other peoples expectations, drive their behavior. This is known as having “external motivation” as opposed to intrinsic (or internal) motivation. And this kind of thinking is understandable.

As you know, once you are on the train and the further from the station you travel, the harder and harder it becomes to get off the train. You followed the crowd and they were on the train too!

The longer and further from the station, the more you will override that tiny voice that knows it could be different. Most men have that voice. How loud that voice is depends on the man.

Commonly, instead of directing your energy to finding your life’s work, you put that life force into career development and management, even though you don’t absolutely love your job.

You may compare yourself to your peers and end up competing against them. Some men even quietly compete against their fathers as if to prove something.

Instead of seeking for and fighting for what truly gets you up in the morning, you put that same energy into goals within a job that doesn’t fulfill you.

So, mistake number one is that for whatever reason, you became a follower.

You chose to follow instead of lead.

REASON NUMBER 2- INACTION–You didn’t know what you want to do, you still don’t know what your calling in life is and you’re doing nothing about it.

The second biggest mistake a man makes is that he collapses in the face of “not knowing” and then does not take action to “right” the situation. In other words, he has a difficult time hanging in there with the agonizing process of discovering his true purpose.

He did not engage thoroughly in the self-inquiry that is required to know what his life’s work is.  Contrary to popular belief, it is possible to love your work, fight for it and even die for it.

We are all here to do a specific task. A task that only you can do. We each have a mission to serve on the planet. However, “I don’t know what I want to do” becomes a card a man will carry around to avoid the discomfort of the unknown.

The issue is not the unknown however, it is a your relationship to it. This is a fine point that may need review. Re-read that last sentence. Your relationship to the unknown is the problem, not the unknown itself. And, here is where you need to realize that your inaction has a big price (see reason 3).

Think about it. When you were 18-22, how many guys did you know that knew without a doubt what they wanted to do with their life? How many guys did you really trust when they said they knew?

The truth is that very few men actually know what their life’s work is by the start of college and even fewer are clear after college, (although it may look like they are clear from the outside and many want you to believe that they are clear).

So, if you don’t know what you’re supposed to do, then what do you do? As we talked about, you have a couple of choices. One is to collapse into the pressures around you and become a follower. Or, you do the intense work to find out what your mission is.

Some of you might be a leader within your organization, but you’re also a follower of someone else’s vision. You compete with other men to get a better, higher paying job, maybe with status or rewards such as a big paycheck.

You don’t want to lose the race up the corporate mountain. In that world, the later you start, the less leadership opportunities there are, the less you get paid, the less chance for advancement, etc. So, it makes sense why you just found a “good job.”

At the same time, it also makes sense why so many of you are simply not satisfied or fulfilled with the work you do.

Do any of these statements sound familiar?

• “It’s not really what I want to do, but it pays the bills.”
• “it’s a respected company.”
• “It’s not really my ideal job, but the benefits are good,”
• “hey, working for the man pays the bills.”
• “I don’t have time to find work I’m happy about.”
• “yeah, wait till you have a family and then let’s talk about your ideal job.”
• “yeah, I have a lot of freedom and I can make my own schedule.”

This kind of attitude is great if you want to play it safe. But imagine you’re on a sports team and this kind of attitude is up to bat. Are you an asset or a liability to the team?

It is unlikely that you will be a game changer in this scenario. However, if you have felt this way about some aspect of your life, like your career, there’s still time for a course correction.

After a while, this not knowing becomes a comfortable place to be and a great reason stop looking around. I say this sarcastically of course. Behind the scenes, men are in a lot of pain if they have a lame job.

Most men hate the unknown. Men like to be in control. But ask yourself, would you rather be in control and somewhat comfortable in a routine, predicting your schedule and not having to do a lot of guess work?

Or, would you rather find meaningful work wherein everyday you woke up stoked about the day? Excited for the challenge that you must tackle in front of you?

Some men even tell themselves, “we’ll I’m not really the adventurous type.” Pretty soon, this is part of a false identity that they begin to believe (Story, story, story).  Now, think back to when you were a kid, did you do the same thing day in and day out?

Did you play it safe? Or, were you seeing the world as a big adventure with limitless possibilities? Did you play games and always change the rules and make stuff up?

Chances are you were like most kids and you did a lot of exploring and experimenting, even as a teenager. So, what happened to silence that adventurous spirit in you? What made you stop exploring?

Second Mistake: You don’t know what to do and you’re frozen in not knowing.As a result, your lack of action is having a big impact on those who need your help.

REASON NUMBER 3- FEAR– Fear is at the root of your inaction

Fear is likely at the underbelly of such justifications as, “I don’t really know what I want to do for work” or “It’s a well-paid, stable job.” Try it on that fear drives much of your behavior.

Even “fearless” men have fear. It’s just that they don’t collapse around it. These bold men go into it, right into the center. Many men have a fear of success or a fear of failure. What about you?

Read any leadership book and they’ll talk about fear of failure or fear of success. Try saying these statements out loud and see which one fits:

• “I am afraid to fail”
• “I don’t want to look bad in my circle of friends”
• “I don’t want to be seen as incompetent”
• “I don’t know if I can do it.”
• “I’m afraid what I have to offer is not valuable.”
• “I have better things to do with my time”
• “What if ______________(your idea) doesn’t work?”
• “What if I don’t make any money?”
• “What if I’m not good at it?”
• “What if others judge me?”

The one thing in common in the above questions? FEAR! Fear, fear, fear. How much is fear running your life? Who cares if I fail? So what? What is the worst possible thing that could happen if you really followed your own truth?

A few pointers.

First, ask yourself these three questions:

1. What would I be doing if I knew I couldn’t fail?
2. What would I do if I was not afraid?
   
3. If I had to charge into battle in 5 minutes, what noble cause would I stand up and fight for right now? Who/What would I die for in this battle?

Chances are what you would be doing in these scenarios is different from what you are currently doing. If this is true, many men will immediately list the reasons why they are not doing what they really want to be doing. That’s fine, do that.

Next, take out a piece of paper and list all the reasons why following your own truth, your own mission wouldn’t work.

List them, seriously.

Following my truth just wouldn’t work right now in my life because:

Your reasons are good ones, I’m sure very valid. But let’s you and I recognize that when you rationalize, chances are that you are in fear. Try it on. Just try saying it out loud right now, “The reason I’m not fulfilling my true mission in life is because I’m scared.” What was that like? Is it true?

If it is true that you are scared to find and follow your own deep vision, what is it going to take for you lean in to your fear? What will it take for you to be able to relate to your fear and even learn something from it?

What is the worst that could happen if you put “finding my mission” at the top of your ‘to do’ list. What would it take from quietly being run by fear, to engaging in your life in a deeper way?

THE COST OF YOUR INACTION

When we don’t act there is always a price. Think for a minute about the price tag for you not finding and not living your true mission. What is it? Perhaps there is a cost to your family or friends. Maybe the cost is that those with whom you are here to serve miss out on your greatest gift? Maybe the big cost is that you feel like you are lying to yourself and that hurts.

Men who lack a sense of inner peace and feel  “out of sorts” deep inside regarding their calling must realize that this nagging feeling will never go away until you face it.

From my own experience, men that are not living their true purpose in life are simply less potent and less effective leaders. If you have a son or daughter, think about what you are indirectly teaching them by playing it safe.

Oliver Wendell Holmes said,

“Most of us go to our grave with our music still inside of us.” Is this going to be you?

So, the ball is in your court. Remember my car accident example in the first paragraph? Pretend a crisis is happening right now. If you can’t find a personal crisis, think about the global economic crisis. One if five men are out of work right now.  Pretend that you are needed.  Imagine that there are a lot of people that need you, your help. Will you collapse and run from the scene? What are you going to do to step up and serve?

Specifically, what next action step are you going to take toward discovering and living your life’s purpose? If you already know what your purpose is and are not living it, what steps will you take to get on it?

Write down 5 action steps you will take right now to begin this process and put time deadlines on each.

ACTION STEP                                                                                    DEADLINE

1.

2.

3.

4.

5.

So, NOW WHAT?

Good question. That depends on how deep your longing is, how serious you are about making changes, and what kind of man you want to be.

And, read these similar posts:

Know what you want.

Change that Sticks

Finding your Life’s Purpose

Here is a great question from one of my clients.

As many of you know, once you start engaging in personal development work, be it getting some coaching, going to therapy, or finding a spiritual path, many of your closest friends and family members might feel very uncomfortable with the “new you.”

Here’s a great example that some of you might appreciate, followed up with some useful tips.

Here’s my client’s question:

Last night I had dinner with my bro.  We got on the topic of “what the f*ck am I doing?” with all my time, going to spiritual talks etc.

My bro gave me a piece about, “You need to be clear with your friends what you’re doing since you are so out of touch, you need to be clear with Mom and Dad.  People need you/ want you back.  No one understands what is going on with you”.  I was patient for a while, and then I got angry and heated.  I started defending myself, fired up.

How have you dealt with friends and family who didn’t understand what you were doing during personal development work?  I offered my bro an answer from one of your blogs – “it may look selfish, but I’m trying to work on myself to be a better person”.  My bro said “what problems do you have – we were blessed growing up.  What are you angry about?  You shouldn’t be so angry.  Don’t feel bad”  Of course, this only stoked the flames even higher.

I’m feeling angry, pissed, locked up and helpless.  If you have any thoughts to share I’d appreciate.

So what is going on here?

This is a classic example of how other people are threatened by a man’s personal growth and evolution.

I remember this process vividly for myself. As I dove deep into my own personal development work and spiritual practice I heard comments like this: “We like the old Jay better than the new Jay.” or “Yeah bro, we were thinking about having an intervention with you,” as If I was an alcoholic or something.

In systems theory, when one aspect of any system changes, it disrupts the entire system or the homeostasis of the system.

As you change and evolve, the system, which is your old friends and family members, feels a threat and does it’s best to keep you in your old role. This happens largely unconsciously on their end. This can be one painful aspect of differentiating from your family.

If they were able to talk about it and had some skills, they might say things such as, “When you change and grow, I get scared because I no longer know how to be with you or relate to you.” or “When I can’t place you into the role I’ve always known you in, I feel threatened, scared, and uncomfortable.” or “I feel safe and secure knowing who I think you are and when you show me signs of something different, I feel very uncomfortable and I start to question myself.”

So, what to do?

Whether or not you understand them and their process is irrelevant.

You must make staying with yourself and your experience and much higher priority than getting their approval or having them understand you. It can be really tempting to try and change them or make them get it. But chances are they will never get it, or get you.

(Talk to gay men and women. Generally speaking, they know this landscape well. Specifically reach out to fearless gay people who have already faced the gauntlet of judgments/ridicule from others in their coming out process).

Here are a few pointers.

1.  Let go. Let go of wanting them to understand you and accept that they won’t. If you get lucky and they do, celebrate it.

2.  Feel your Feelings. Feel what arises in you around your family/friends not understanding or getting you. There may be a lot of anger, resentment, or deep grief and loss knowing that those whom love you the most understand and support you the least.

3.  Feel part 2. Feel your aloneness and the pain around that.

4.  Notice your need. Notice the part of you that still wants to be liked and accepted. Meet that need yourself and stop looking outside yourself for validation.

5.  Get a new community. Surround yourself with folks that do see you, understand you, and support your evolution. If I wanted to stay in the old me, I would hang around old friends that continue to box me in to who I used to be. If however, I want to grow, I must find folks who are growing also. Get a badass men’s group going.

6.  Set a boundary. Take some space away from those old friends/family members while you sort things out. Be direct with them and let them  know you are going away for a while. Do this as consciously as possible. If you need to stop returning phone calls because it feels too hard, give yourself permission to do that for while until you get clear on how to communicate with them.

7.  Make a request. If you family/friends blame you or tell you “Don’t feel angry etc…” request that they not tell you how to feel. In the above example, my client’s brother was very invalidating. Hear him out, then make a request.

8.  Be direct and tell them how you feel. Stay with yourself without judging them. For example, my client could say, “I’m feeling angry, pissed, locked up and helpless. I feel completely unseen and unsupported by you right now.”

9.  Set another boundary. If your family/friends continue to invalidate you because they lack the skills to dive into what is really going on for them, let them know that you are no longer willing to be spoken to that way and you need a break from the relationship for a while. Put a timeframe on it.

10. Own your shame. If you feel shame or embarrassed by your new growth kick, own that. It’s normal. Know that there is also a part of you that doesn’t want you to grow or change. Stay in relationship with that part of yourself.

11. Be fearless. If all else fails, be true to yourself and your path. F*ck everyone else. It’s time to stop giving a shit what others think of you. We don’t have time to “convince” anyone of what we are up to.

When you work on yourself in a genuine way, plan on pissing others off. Plan on losing friends. Plan on the worst. And, if you get support, welcome it.

Roll up your sleeves and change anyway. Continue to be fearless and follow what you know will serve you and the greater good.

See also Isn’t personal growth just selfish?