While many men are struggling big time and remain very locked up, others are breaking free of their conditioning and taking balanced, conscious action in their lives.

To celebrate this masculine expansion, and to go further, I’m organizing the Boulder Men’s Experience. At the core of this event is the sacred masculine.

What is the sacred masculine?

I’m not really sure, but from the guidance I’ve received thus far, it is simply what’s available to us men when we connect to our bodies, our hearts and the present moment. Because this is where the sacred masculine lives–in the now.

When we men do this, we live more full engaged lives. We stand empowered to laugh, love, and serve. If I choose to live in this way as an embodied man in contemporary culture it is a privilege and a massive responsibility, worthy of pristine care and respect.

As some of you know, I have taken a break from “men’s work” for a while. And now, I’m slowly coming back to engage in a more sustainable, inspired way. I’m also listening to the fact that my leadership is needed in the masculine realm and because I have a son, the masculine conversation is one I’ll be in for the rest of my life.

So, I’m taking a stand for the masculine and in doing so, I take a stand for the feminine. I’m committed to owning the sacred masculine within me as if it were the sheer, raw power of a great, wild steed in need of a good rider.

Stoked.

Brothers–let’s unite. Let us gather, laugh, cry, and clean up the space in our own bodies so that the sacred masculine has an open home to occupy. One way to do this is getting together in men’s circles or locally at the Boulder Men’s Experience.

I visioned an Evolving Men’s Conference that brought over 40 leaders from the US, UK and Canada together in Boulder. The goal? For me it was to evolve masculinity.

Shortly after that conference, and after two years of solid work, I let it go. The outcomes of the EMC were not satisfying to me, yet it was freeing in a strange way.  I let go of the need or desire to change men. Ahhhhh.

And, now, over nine months later, Christopher Kyle’s idea (which stemmed in part from the EMC) is coming to fruition—The Ultimate Men’s Summit. And, not surprisingly, there are two more tele-summits on masculinity around the same time.

http://awakenedmansummit.com/

http://integralenlightenment.com/evolutionaryman/

It’s in the field I guess.

A while back, I was invited to speak at the UMS which starts June 10. My call will be on June 16th at 230 PST.

What’s strange is that over a year ago, I would have been foaming at the mouth to speak at this.  Four of the men who I cited in my master’s paper  in grad school (Sam Keen, Robert Bly, Michael Gurian, and Michael Kimmel) are going to be speaking!!! And, I’m listed along side them? It is indeed a huge honor and one I am grateful for. Yet, I’m not foaming at the mouth.

Instead of talking about evolving masculinity, which is what I was so passionate about for the past few years, I am going to speak about how both men and women can use relationship as a vehicle for personal transformation and, how through this, we can also have more of what most of us claim we want—love.

The cool thing about the UMS is you have a wide range of speakers and subjects to choose from. There seems to be something for everyone.

I am VERY intrigued about some of the speakers. I’m personally most excited about Gabor Mate’s call since he supports the use of Ayahuasca in addiction treatment and recently wrote a brilliant book called “In the realm of hungry Ghosts” in which he claims that addiction is a relationship issue, not a biological one. BOLD. I love it!!!

I’m also fired up to hear Warren Farrel talk because the guy used to be a hard core feminist and now has some keen insights on masculinity from an Integral perspective.

So, who knows where this will go? Perhaps it will be a call to change more men, to inspire more dads, husbands, brothers, sons, etc.  Perhaps it will accomplish what I set out to do and failed to do. Whatever the case, it will be worthwhile to check it out.

Life might look different eh?

What if we all put a stick of dynamite under the box most of us have agreed to live in?

What if you had the courage like my friend Alexis to give it all up?

What if rather than pretend everything is “fine” we got super honest and told the truth, admitted we were hungry for more, gave ourselves permission to cut the chord of comfort, complacency, and mediocrity to love deeper, bigger, and tell the whole truth of who we really are?

What if, like my friend Alex, you said “screw the conventional track” and just took a giant step into the unknown? What if, like my bro Dan, you quit a very stable job with good benefits to search and go after work that was much closer to your soul’s calling? What if, like my friend Patrice, you took a sabbatical from a growing entrepreneur business because you weren’t feeling it? And, what if you went the other way and took a high paying job in another country just for six months so you could afford to support your family like my other friend Dan did?

I have countless other examples of clients and friends taking bigger risks from leaving relationships that no longer serve, to starting businesses in the face of massive uncertainty.

What would YOUR life look like if you took bigger risks? What is at stake?

I’m here to help you get very honest about what you really want. Then, once you uncork that, I’m here to help you go for it.

If you are so inspired, here are 4 key ingredients to consider the change.

Truth

As Michael Jackson says, start with the man (or woman) in the mirror. Tell the full truth with yourself. Are you really satisfied with your life? If you know there’s more, what could you be doing about it? What else would you need to leap?

Community

If you make radical shifts in your life and you are alone, more power to you and good luck.

If on the other hand, you want to be “held” through the process and get serious support, no matter how bad it gets, the safest choice is in a supportive community.  We need the mirroring of honest brothers and sisters reminding us to stay true to ourselves and calling us out when we fall asleep or veer off on someone else’s track.

Mentors & Guides

Repeat: If you make radical shifts in your life and you are alone, more power to you and good luck.

Having mentors and guides help us see ourselves more clearly is another way. I feel lost, scared, and confused a lot lately and having a guide I can reach out to and talk openly with on a regular basis is crucial.

Context

Putting our life into a context that makes sense to us can make all the difference.

Sadly, somewhere along the way, most folks fell asleep in their lives and became discouraged from asking the big, meaningful questions. The context of most people’s lives is one they didn’t necessarily choose. The American Dream is the context many of us were raised into, and for most of us that dream is crumbling.

Fortunately a lot of us are getting smarter and realizing we can choose differently.

What if you created your own new, fresh context?

One idea? Knowing your life was shorter than you had planned.

Would that change your perspective?

Have you seen 127 hours yet? If so, you’ll get what I’m talking about here. As with any good nail-biting survival story, the hero faces death directly and as a result has a profound wake up call.

I was speaking to a deep elder in my local community Tom Daly the other day and he woke me up to death. Tom and his wife Jude, lead “One -year-to-live” groups. I have heard of this before and I love the idea.

Until recently, death is something I normally don’t relate to much.  In the United States, the more privilege you have, the less you have to pay attention. In this culture not many folks are very in touch with their mortality.

I live in the Boulder bubble. I could easily fall asleep. Yet, I’m a seeker, a person on a mission to wake up and relax into the truth of existence. That requires relating to death and impermanence on a regular basis and being very honest how and where I spend my time.

In the past, I would do my best to relate to death as much as possible although I didn’t know it at the time. That’s why I have liked extreme sports and serious adventure so much. Especially when I was feeling depressed and shut down in my 20′s. Being out in the wilderness, climbing with no ropes and hitchhiking across Alaska and Central America had me feeling more alive.

For a lot of men (and perhaps women), when they have an intimate relationship with death, they feel more alive. The closer to death you are, the more alive you can feel. Ask any combat soldier. Or any super extreme athlete, mountaineer, sailor, etc. Let’s face it, the way most Americans live is, well, boring.

So, since most of us are not risking our lives in what we do each day, perhaps we could play a game where we had to relate to death more frequently as a way of us feeling more alive and on target.

What if facing an imminent death was your context?

You ever notice how when some folks are diagnosed with cancer or another terrible illness that often their attitude on life changes?

Because when the context changes, many inspired people begin to see things differently and start to make serious changes in how they approach life. They quit their lame job, they take bigger risks, they get clear on what they want and go after it, and they perhaps they even open their heart more.

I think if we all really knew we had six months or a year to live, most of us would make some serious course corrections to our lives.

So, what would be like for you to play a game where you imagine you had six months to live?

Play a New Game

Because when we change the game, we change. And, when we practice with other folks, we strengthen a muscle to do the real thing in the game of our life.

By playing this game, it might light a fire under your pants to do what you’ve always wanted to do. You might start to take a few more risks. You might be willing to put yourself out there and make some mistakes. You might express your love more. You might end that relationship. On and on.

If you want to experiment, go super deep, and have a blast doing it, come join Rick Snyder and I as we spend six months together living more truthfully, honestly, and courageously.

You’ll have the context, the framework, the community, the accountability, and massive support to go for it.

Here’s the link:

http://mensleadershiptraining.com

Six months. Sixteen other men. Serious transformation and a massive dose of laughter.

Photo by Josh Levin

It’s been a wild ride recently. Ups and downs.

Major self doubt in one moment and ball busting confidence in the next.

As readers of my blog know, my summer was basically a spiritual rite of passage. The old Me dying, the new Me being born. Thank God I had and have support. The new Me is still learning how to create from a place of ease and relaxation.

After the major waves of my spiritual transformation had mostly settled by early August, I came out swinging and had big plans for myself. Things were falling into place and I felt on fire.

I even felt so bold as to write a blog post called “Jayson’s fall Schedule.” Silly me.

This is a common pattern for me. I go after what I want. I’m a “3″ on the enneagram so I can pretty much force things even if the Universe is telling me to slow down, or be patient.

You see, there’s three ways to do life—1) what I want to see happen, 2) what wants to happen, and 3) co-creation.

What I want to see happen

Largely a masculine quality, this is my self-importance—thinking that I am in charge and I can do whatever I want. You know, build it and they will come. In it’s most neurotic form this is the realm of the masculine ego—conquer, predatory corporate capitalism, power over, attack, and penetrate without permission.

In it’s wisdom aspect, the masculine can “cut through” the noise, protect, take divine action, and plant the seed of life.

What wants to happen

Largely a feminine quality is what wants to happen. In its neurotic form it might sound like “I just trust the Universe man” or “Hey man, it’s not up to me anyway…” While I have often said this, blind faith can be used as another dodge of adult responsibility. Spiritually aware dudes using “faith” as a way to avoid pain, and stepping up in life. As my mentor pointed out, taken too far, this is the magical thinking of a boy.

In its wisdom aspect, opening to what wants to happen, what wants to grow life (including things dying first), and knowing deeply the timing of things, is the receptivity necessary to really receive love and life.

Co-creation

The way of co-creation is new, fertile soil for me. It’s a combo of what I want and what is wanted, the middle way. It is the yin yang symbol of the Tao.

Since I have an overly developed masculine and an underdeveloped feminine, the big secret for me is tapping into my inner feminine—receptivity, space, deep listening, deep presence, “feeling into,” and relaxation. Then, using my penetrating masculine quality to cut through, act, and lead.

It’s not that one necessarily comes before the other. They are both at play and it’s the balance of the two that give birth. The more I am deeply listening to both, the easier life feels to me.

How often have you complained of feeling “out of balance” in your life? Chances are you are too heavy on the masculine or the feminine.

If I am pushing too much because of what I think should happen, it starts to feel like too much work and effort (i.e. out of balance). And, if I provide too much space, I might miss the opportunity to act.

When I run men’s groups, the magical co-creation is the space I’m operating in.  When I “created” my son, I had to “co-create” with my wife, a sperm AND an egg was necessary for him to come into being. Life emerges from the co-creation of masculine and feminine!

When giving birth to new creations in our own life, we can co-create with others, or we can co-create with Life. For me balancing of my inner masculine and feminine is producing more enjoyable results.

So, back to my self-importance…

I thought that I was going to be running all of these workshops and live events this fall because that is what I wanted.  I even thought that was what was wanted.

However, it appears to me, through very straightforward information, that I am supposed to put my attention and focus on this new masculine paradigm stuff by speaking boldly at this men’s conference in Atlanta, and by pulling off the first Evolving Men’s Conference. Then, on the side, do some work around sexuality and money through the lens of the new masculine paradigm.

Bottom line for me?

It’s back to my inner feminine– tuning into and listening while staying fiercely present, ready to act, and act from a place of ease and relaxation.  Remembering not to rush anything.  And the more I work with my own sexual energy and the forces inside of me and outside of me, the more I find the current, the flow, and balance in general. (hint–this is the crux of the new masculine paradigm emerging. Stay tuned for more…)

What about you?

Art by Bryce Widom

Most men are locked up and confused sexually.

I am a student when it comes to sex. Sex has brought me incredible shame and unbelievable joy in my life.

Pretty much every guy I have ever talked to about his sex life has been challenged one way or another in the bedroom.

Sex is the most widely googled term. By in large, we are a sexually repressed culture and it leaks out in hypersexualized images everywhere.

Most of us grew up being robbed of a genuine, heartfelt, honest education about sex. Men (and women of course) have received a ridiculous amount of misinformation about sex from boyhood to manhood. Many men remain sexually immature, confused and illiterate. Sex education completely falls short of the what we need to succeed and feel good about ourselves sexually.

As a result, many men are unhappy and ashamed. In addition, with little to no information about the power of sex and the male sex organ, boys and men act out everywhere from rape to every form of sexual abuse and violence. Instead of learning about his erectile dysfunction,  a man can now just take a pill to get a hard on without ever addressing the hidden intelligence of his body’s flaccidity. We remain numb, asleep, angry, hurt, isolated, and very confused about sex.

However, there are pockets of wisdom out there where children, teens and adults can get all the information they need. Brave folks like David Cates are paving the way to help us re-claim the totality of our sexuality. Last year I hired David who is a deep sexual healer (a.k.a. sex coach) to help me. My wife and I were ready to deepen into the next sexual phase of our relationship. Being married with a new baby presents challenges to new parents like us. I was eager to get support from David and learn a new sexual dance and carve out new sexual pathways with my wife.

I have read David Deida, Mantak Chia, the Multi-Orgasmic Male, and other tantric-type books, but all of them have put me further into the “performance game” that most men find themselves in. These teachers have helped a lot of men, but most men just employ the tools without doing any spiritual work, so they lack a solid foundation. The trap is that in order to feel good sexually and get what we want, a man thinks he has to try harder, perform better, “fuck her open to God,” and do it right. He learn tricks, tips, and breathing exercises, in a never ending “project” that requires a ton of work. It’s not too long into this process that many men collapse in frustration.

David Cates, on the other hand, turns this performance game on it’s head. He is teaching me that sex can be effortless. He is teaching me the power of relaxation instead of performance. His teachings are realistic and compassionate toward both parties. I have been so psyched on what I’m learning that I asked David if he’d teach at my leadership training. He did. It rocked. Now, I have asked him yet again to share more of his wisdom in a free conference call.

I strongly suggest you at least sign up for this free call we are doing next Monday the 16th.

After that, if you want to dive in to an amazing 6-week course on the subject of how to get out of the performance game and into a place of “ease” sexually, please join us. And, it’s not what you think, seriously. Click the link to view more about what you will learn…

The Truth is In Your Body, Effortless Sex for a Lifetime

Lastly, it is time we stop keeping sex as this hidden affair. The more we all collude and not share our sexual wounds and victories, the more we let our culture dictate the rules placed upon us so long ago. Let’s talk about sex!

Gay men (and other oppressed folks) have had to face something that I, as a white, heterosexual dude have the luxury of avoiding–the question of personal identiy.

Disclaimer: I speak only from the therapeutic and coaching work I have done with gay men and from the gay friends I have. I invite my gay brothers to chime in here and speak about your own experience. I generalize here and I feel okay about it. Am I sterotyping? Perhaps. You tell me.

If you are gay, from a very early age, you have had to face your identity head on. No matter how much you try to avoid it, or suppress it, it will haunt you, so my gay friends tell me. The core incongruency is so painful and jarring, that it is impossible to avoid successfully unless you are an advanced narcissist and surround yourself with brainwashing so powerful, you completely leave behind who you really are for a false identity that will grant you what you want so badly—more acceptance or perceived acceptance.

Generally, the advanced narcissist has so much power, money, and privilege that he can continue to hide. But even with the narcissist, his secret life will eventually leak out. His porn addiction, his sexual acting out, his fraudulent behavior, the lying, cheating, etc. Since he has such a fragile ego, and his identity is false, he goes on the offensive and often attacks, thus defending the fragile inner core. What’s deep inside the narcissist may never be discovered as many of these men take their secrets to their grave.

The gay man, on the other hand, is used to being on the defensive. Everything in modern, western culture is stacked against him. It seems to me that an openly gay man still has less rights than a woman, a black man, or a disabled veteran (correct me if I’m wrong here). Strangely, every other man knowingly or unknowingly measures himself against a gay man. Growing up, if you act weak, too emotional, or feminine, you will likely be made fun of as a fag, girly, or gay.  As I have written before, this can be a boy or man’s biggest fear–being perceived as gay, or too feminine. So a straight man must act “not gay” rather than just being himself. And, a gay man must do the same.

When a gay man finally does have the tremendous courage to “come out” and owns that he is gay, he might experience relief, the burden lifted, even though what lies ahead is still incredibly steep for him. But the gay man’s journey to coming out is a hero’s journey by all accounts.

He must dive deep inside and investigate what is actually true. And this is the meat of what I’m trying to say here. Gay men do the work. What work? The work to get to know oneself fully, to become aligned with who you are. A gay man who comes out addresses the core incongruency that we all feel inside. Once this core identity issue is addressed, a solid foundation is now in place for a man to move forward in life and is now more resourced to handle all of life’s challenges.

For most of us straight folks, the only time we have to face ourselves is when we are in pain. We too know what a core incongruency feels like, but we don’t always act, nor do we have to act. It is not until life throws us a major curve ball via a crisis or cosmic loving connection, do we even have to pay attention. So, let us take a note from the playbook of the gay man who has come out. That guy has serious balls. Let him motivate you to find that core congruency in yourself so that you can stop living someone else’s truth and live your own.

To review, what can us straight guys learn from gay guys? Fearless self-honesty.

Thank you gay brothers and sisters for modeling the courage it takes to look in the mirror and get honest. You inspire me.

p.s. I also understand that once a gay man is openly gay it doesn’t mean he continues a path of self-honesty. He can be just as full of shit as the rest of us!

I just finished a 6 month Men’s Leadership Training and WOW.  11 men + 10-12 staff and me all went through this amazing modern-day rite of passage.

I think it’s safe to say, this was a life changing experience for everyone involved.

Testimonials and a video to come….

I witnessed men:

• go from boy to man
• get in touch with their authentic power
• experience a deep connection to source, the divine, and God
• who now know what it is like to have men in their lives who genuinely have their back
• get in touch with deep rage and express it
• gain seriously clarity around their life purpose
• go from being stuck and locked up to incredibly open, loving, and powerful
• feel safe enough and relaxed enough to take major risks and explore real conflict with each other
• step into solid leadership on the fly
• willingly make mistakes and fail so they could move forward
• learn what a true brotherhood is really about
• and on and on…

I too grew into the next level of me-hood. I stepped into my power and leadership like never before and it was nothing like I expected it to be. I eventually led from a place of total transparency, a first for masculine leadership and I was able to model the new masculine paradigm.

The training is a really solid place to explore and expand yourself in a super safe container. A weekend workshop is never enough time to build this kind of community. But within six months, you have time to enter conflict and work through your own challenges and interpersonal challenges. And, you get to stay in a mountain home and live together during the weekend intensives, taking “community” from a concept into an experience.

What I am now clear about is that I am holding some big masculine space for whatever needs to happen in men who want to dive deeper. When a tribe is safe, community members are free to let go and express themselves fully. Knowing that you are held is what many of us have longed for.

This tribe is growing. So, are you ready to join us next time?

Here is what one man said:

This training has offered me so much in my personal growth and spiritual development, I can honestly say that it has transformed my life. The connections that I’ve made with the men, the breakthroughs that I had, and watching my confidence in myself grow, have been truly astounding to witness. Self discovery, really sums up my experience of this training. I feel more confident, self assured, self awareness, and most of all I feel really supported, emotionally and spiritually. I know all of these men have my back, in the same way I have theirs. Powerful, transformative, awakening, edges pushed, shadows unveiled, playfulness,  feeling held, going deeper, unlimited potential and room for growth.

Ian Shaw
personal trainer/kickboxing instructor/media-music specialist
Oregon/Colorado

and here’s another man’s words…

I’m still processing everything from our tribe’s six months together. A lot has happened for me since January and my life keeps getting better everyday. I’m starting my lifelong dream of traveling around the world without a set agenda in September. I would not have had the self confidence to quit my job and align my life with my purpose if I had not had the support of you and this tribe. I was able to face and deal with issues that have been holding me back since childhood and that still effect my relationships today. The brothers in my small group supported me and held me accountable on a weekly basis. I’m in great appreciation and awe of their support. It has made me realize the power of living honestly and with extreme integrity. It keeps bringing so many amazing new gifts and people into my life. I’m a huge supporter of this work and realize that what we have started is just a beginning. I’m freaking jazzed about the vision for the new conscious masculine paradigm.

Aho!

Tom Taber

The short video below is quite vague, but if you take a glimpse, you’ll begin to feel how i was personally impacted. Grrrrr.

Artwork by Bryce Widom

Okay friends. This post is inspired by Matt who listened to my interview on the new man podcast about rites of passage experiences (ROP). I get a lot of emails from men asking me this important question so let’s make this a dialogue.

It is important that I include part of my own journey, specifically the massive rite of passage I find myself in currently. Watch the video which covers a broad overview and some details about my own death/rebirth experience.

Next, tell us about what you have created in terms of a rite of passage for yourself? What has worked for you personally? What was missing?

Then read the basic steps below to begin creating your own ROP.

Here is Matt’s inquiry:

Heard you on the New Man show. What an awesome interview!

Turns out I actually have a rite of passage planned myself for this summer & if you wouldn’t mind guiding me with some of your expertise, I would sure appreciate it!

I’ll be hitch hiking across Canada on $0. My intention is to relate to myself as someone who can survive and even thrive in the world with nothing – and from there, create massive wealth for myself and the world.

Another part of this is I will be living off the kindness & generosity of the world & of others. I get a little weird around receiving & I want to explore what comes up for me around that.

(1) How can I integrate the wisdom passed down through generations on how to create a really powerful rite of passage?

(2) Is there anything i’m missing or things I’ve already incorporated I should make sure not to skip?

First, to understand why I believe men need a rite of passage or an initiation, read this post.

Any good rite of passage has 5 main components

1. The Call. Most men at some point in time feel a longing to go through something hard, to taste danger, death, and the unknown. If you have ever felt that longing, it is what Joseph Campbell describes as “the call to adventure” on the hero’s journey. For evolving men, this call is critical. Many of you have turned away from the call at certain points in your life. Many of you have turned toward the call and stepped into it fully.

If you never felt like there was a call for you personally, you were likely not paying attention.

2. Severance. This is where you must leave the comforts of your own home, community, tribe, and go off on your own. Even in modern day times, you can get away alone into the wilderness, meditate in a retreat cabin for months. However you don’t need to trot off into the wilderness alone like the movie Into the Wild. You can, in my case currently, engage in an urban rite of passage while staying within the framework of your life (family, job, etc). If this is the case, your “severance” will simply look differently.

3. Initiation. The initiation can take many months, many years or just a few hours. What are you being initiated into? There will always be a threshold you have to cross. What is it? What does it represent? Are you going from boy to man? Are you leaving the corporate world to discover who you really are? Whatever the case, you must cross a threshold of some kind in order for your initiation to move forward.

Within the initiation is the fourth component:

4. The ORDEAL. This is the crux of the ROP and where you must face some kind of mortality, death experience only to be reborn anew. This death can be an actual near death experience, or an ego-death, meaning a part of you dies or is let go of.

Be realistic. It is never what you think or want it to be. Even still, set an intention (see below). This is where I am right now in my life. In the middle of a birth canal of some kind.

As my bro Jeremy likes to say, “Everybody wants to be reborn, but not everyone is willing to die.” In other words, I want to the goodies, but I’m not willing to face my demons, my fears, or what might kill me. Any genuine ROP must have have an ordeal, a test, a challenge that really confronts the deepest, darkest aspects of yourself.

Sometimes in life, we don’t choose the ordeal, it chooses us. Such as the death of a loved one or a catastrophe that was out of our hands, or a major crisis of some kind. This then, if you choose to engage it fully, becomes the crucible to a deeper you.

Once on the other side of the ordeal, if you live to tell about it, is finding your way back bringing your gift.

5. The return. This is a critical component and one that many men blow. If you want to impact others by who you now are, you must come back, tell them, and more importantly show them who you are now. You are now different, altered in some way. Your community needs your gifts, your lessons, your new, fresh perspective. You have a gift to give in some way. It is your job to find out what you are bringing back, bring it back, and find out how you need to deliver it.

A few other key points to consider

Determine why you are wanting this. Why now? What is your intention setting out? What is the point? Are you really willing to surrender fully, partially? Get crystal clear on why are you setting out into the unknown.

Then, as my bro Dan Riggan once told me when we led four, back to back, 7-day men’s ROP wilderness trips together, set your intention and let it go. That’s right. Offer it up and be open to whatever experience you get. It will likely be very different than you wanted or expected.

For example, if Matt’s intention is “to relate to myself as someone who can survive and even thrive in the world with nothing – and from there, create massive wealth for myself and the world,” then he needs to consider what “death” needs to happen to step into this. What needs to die in me? What am I willing to let go of and burn forever? He might actually create a ritual within his journey to address this.

Since Matt also wants to explore receiving, more clarity is needed here. What qualifies as receiving? From who? Just because Matt might learn to receive from others on the hitchhiking journey, does that mean he’ll be more able to receive love from his family, lover, and friends? Learning how to receive love is a massive edge for me and most men.

Determine if you want others involved. How so? What is their role? I believe it is essential to have a few “mid-wives” that have gone down the path before you that will have some idea of what you are going through. Someone who can “hold you” through whatever darkness you might encounter.

A mentor is key here. It is also possible to get others on board so they can be doing their ROP concurrently. For example, maybe several men in your men’s group want to do a four day vision fast together. This is good for safety in the wilderness. If, on the other hand, you might want to go-it-alone. If you want to do a year-long journey and travel abroad alone, your set up and support system must be well calculated.

For Matt, who is holding him throughout the process? What kind of spiritual context, framework or undercurrent will assist him?

Determine the structure. Is it tight such as a month-long solo meditation retreat in a cabin? Or is the structure loose and open-ended like Matt’s? Is the wind going to take you or are you in the driver’s seat planning every step? Go after your growth edge. Do what is uncomfortable, new, and fresh for you. But stay away from stupid, irresponsible, impulsive acts.

Use the 5 steps above or look more into Joseph Campbell’s hero’s journey for an outline to your ROP.

The more embodied your journey the better. Being in your body will help you clear blocks, move through karma, and release old emotions. If you are not experiencing pain and great joy, something is likely off. If you don’t feel anything during your experience from tremendous highs to dark lows, then re-evaluate. I know plenty of meditators that just sit there and space out and think they are getting somewhere.

Having a daily practice of some kind, be it meditation, journaling, walking quietly, and other contemplative, body-present-centered practices faciliate a deeper journey.

What about illicit substances? If used consciously and in a ritualistic, respectful way, plant medicine such as peyote or ayahuasca can be massively transformative for truth seekers and courageous men willing to face their demons and their darkness to uncover their light. Plant medicine is only to be done under the guidance of trained shamans and elders who deeply know the power and potential consequences of their use.

Document your ROP. Bring a flip video or journal and keep track on things. Write about it, and share it live or later on. This way, others can learn from your experience.

What about you? Tell us about your ROP. What was it like? If you have never gone through one, what kind of ROP might serve who you are at your stage in life? What in you needs to die right now? What new aspect of yourself is wanting to emerge?

This is my quick take on the new masculine paradigm that is being born right now. The question is, will you step into it with me? This one is going to take serious balls and a big, wide, open heart. Let’s do it!

I can feel freedom and liberation seeping into my pores! Finally the kind of freedom I have been yearning for.

After watching the video above, watch the one below. This is me right after one of my meltdowns during the Men’s Leadership Training that I was leading recently. Yes, I said “meltdown.” You know, crying, sobbing and drooling on myself in front of 24 other men. It was a huge step in the right direction for me. But not just feeling. Being transparent and open whilst staying in the captain’s seat. I am finding a middle way here and I’m freakin’ pumped about it.

It was a liberating experience.

The world needs more men willing to be completely who they are, completely and utterly authentic and genuine, warts and all. My commitment is to “show you” how to be yourself by leading by example. This means that I continue to reveal more about who I am on this blog.

Be sure to read my previous post on WTF is happening to me for more information. Remember the two key lessons are 1) make mistakes and 2) be transparent and congruent.

I LOVE NOT TRYING TO BE SOMEBODY!!!!

In a previous post we discussed that by learning to bring an attitude of love to your personal development, you heal, become whole, and ultimately find the freedom and happiness you long for.

Another way to view this love and acceptance stuff is by taking a quick look at yoga.

Yoga looks like a bunch of people stretching. The more you go, the more flexible you become and the tighter your ass/abs, right?

Not so much.

Below that conventional yoga approach is a deeper yoga. As my yoga teacher Matt likes to say, most folks think that yoga is about flexibility. While this is true on one level, the deeper cut as Matt reminds me, is that yoga is the ability to meet resistance (your inflexibility) with acceptance. The more you meet your edge with acceptance, the more the resistance begins to release, and the more “flexible” you become.

Force does not work in yoga. Trust me, I have tried it. When I was “trying hard” and “pushing it” I would consistently throw out my back and I even dislocated my shoulder twice. But one must engage the resistance, the edge, in order to gain the fruits that lie just beyond your resistance, which is more openness, expansion, more flexibility, and ultimately more love.

During a yoga class one can very easily put their attention on their lack. How much flexibility you lack. Each day you come in with an improvement project to get more flexible. You beat yourself up, try harder, and eventually if you are stubborn and stick with it for years, you might actually become incredibly flexible on the outside. Once you reach what that other guy in class is doing you are not necessarily farther along. Because “how” you achieved this is problematic.

You got there through your old habit of pushing and working hard. So, your body learns that to open, relax, accept, and surrender to love and openness, you need to push, try harder, and work harder. So, you did little to become more flexible and open in your “inner” body or mind. You willed your body into compliance through an egoic process and as a result, you will keep getting the same old results out in your life.

This old-school approach is where most men including myself fall victim to the typical masculine belief that:

effort = results

Instead of your habitual trying-to-get-somewhere attitude, practice loving what is, in this moment. Let love, compassion, and acceptance be your attitude and see what happens. Notice what style of “yoga” you live in your life? Are you always trying to force something? Or maybe you want to will your way to success?

Bottom line? The attitude with which we bring to yoga (and our personal development journey) is the key to our freedom. So, instead of the old way, try this one:

love and acceptance + “right” action = results

If you think acceptance is giving up or being weak check out these teachers on acceptance: Tara Brach and Byron Katie.

Stay tuned for yet another post coming up on this tricky paradox of personal development and how focusing on “what’s working” can further increase your results.