what is your favorite intro personal/spiritual growth book you recommend to a person fresh on the path?

The responses where a wide range from Dr Suess to Ken Wilber. And, there’s some great suggestions in here. I numbered the responses so that you can recommend a number or two to a person and refer them to this list.I also left the comments there as some folks had helpful things to say.

Here’s the list:

1.  Zen mind, beginner’s mind.
2. or something from alan watts.
3. or even siddhartha by herman hesse.
4. zen and the art of motorcycle maintenance.
5. The Untethered Soul by Michael Singer.
6. Chop Wood, Carry Water…
7. A New Earth by Eckhart Tolle
8. Fresh on the path? I would say something by Dr. Suess
9. The Book. Alan Watts.
10. When love meets fear” by David Richo
11. Books by Pema Chodron or Cheri Huber
12. “loving what is” by Byron Katie,
13. Diamond Heart Series by A.H. Almaas
14. The Alchemist
15. ‎”The Work,” Byron Katie.
16. Malidoma Some – Of Water and Spirit
17. The Laws of the Spirit by Dan Millman… it’s good start on what could be difficult and esoteric kind of subject matter and it’s an easy entertaining read.
18. Poetry by Mary Oliver, or
19. The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle
20. Conversations With God (Book 1) by Neale Donald Walsch
21. Cutting Through Spiritual Materialism – Chogyam Trungpa
22. There Is Nothing Wrong With You by Cheri Huber
23. Pretty much anything by Richard Rohr. Simplicity: The Freedom of Letting Go is probably a very good choice.
24. Way of the Peaceful Warrior by Dan Millman.
25. Conversations With God – Walsch….popped into my head
26. On The Road. Jack Kerouack!
27. The Power of Intention.
28. Codependent no more
29. One Dharma by Joseph Goldstein
30. Letters to a Young Poet” -Rainier Maria RIlke
31. Hands down: Dancing in the Eye of Transformation, 10 Keys to Creative Consciousness by Sylvia Brallier one of the most approachable and easy-to-digest resources for personal and spiritual growth I’ve ever seen while still be thorough with a bit of a sense of humor!
32. Siddartha
33. Conversations with God…changed my life!
34. The 4 Agreements would be another major one that is really easy to read and digest.
35. Any Joseph Campbell, I love The Power of Myth. “Follow Your Bliss”
36. Since it is their path i would consider going with them to a bookshop and let them choose what calls more to them. Its nice to gather people to discuss their impression on a book that was also important to us, but that is another idea. I would say let them choose and them share what they got out of it
37. Peaceful Warrior, Dan Millman
38. When Things Fall Apart by Pema Codron If their path was open to it
39. I agree with Allison on the power of now! It has taken a hundred times of listening to it to start to understand, but i think It’s great stuff
40. 7 Habits by Covey. That said, I just read the power of TED and it seems like it’s easy to digest for newbies.
41. Dharma Punx by Noah Levine.
42. Thinking back on it, though…the 3 books that did it for me were required reading for a Freshmen English class I begrudgingly took: “Freedom from the Known” by Jiddu Krishnamurti, “The Myths We Live By” by Joseph Campbell, and – surprisingly, or not – “Tropic of Cancer” by Henry Miller.
43. To add a few how about be here now ram dass, celestine prophecy, and the ordinary magic compilation…..
44. What a great list!! I am so going to write down all of these and re-read or check out new ones I’ve not read! I’ve been caught in that pre-occupation of life thing again and reading through these titles reminds me of a time when all this was new and I was a huge sponge taking it all in. Thinking back, the Celestine Prophecy was my very first read that put me on my path to following my own bliss nearly 20 years ago. Then Richard Bach, Dan Millman, Alan Watts, David Abram and more. But Joseph Campbell is my hero! ♥ him
45. Prometheus Rising” by Robert Anton Wilson; also, a few of those already mentioned, and “Dancing Wu-Li Masters”
46. I noticed a distinct lack of Leo Buscaglia shout-outs
47. Any Pema Chodron book
48. Wilber’s Brief History of Everything.
49. And the 4 agreements.
50. That Cheri Huber book is pretty great.
51. Trungpa’s Shamballa.
52. Power of Now – Eckhart Tolle
53. Core Transformation by Connirae Andreas.
54. The Road Less Traveled by Scott Peck
55. Personal Development for Smart People by Steve Pavlina

Any others? Please comment below and include why you like the book. Over time, I’ll add your comments to the list.

_____________________

I came out to myself in 1991. That’s always the first step. But then what?

I stumbled around for 10 years trying to make sense of this crazy thing called life much less making sense of the sexuality.

For 10 years I went from therapist to therapist spending thousands of dollars and getting nowhere. Often I would feel better but nothing shifted. A friend told me that he had a therapist to bitch about his problems. I saw the same thing in support groups, bitch, moan, angst, pity.

Aaaaaaaarg.

I’m supposed to just sit there and listen to these guys bitch about how unworkable their life is when they just need to get off the damn couch and do something. The therapy route let me get in the same mode of bitching. We talked but rarely if ever did we fall into the trauma and get real with it. I was done bitching. There was no challenge, and for me no trust. It almost always felt like I was just something to get money from, until I stumbled on a podcast.

The New Man Podcast opened the door to a different way of looking at the world. It showed me a view where I stopped blaming and started claiming. It’s an active way of dealing with the shit that keeps me from living the fullest life.  I wrote in and asked for help and was introduced to Jayson Gaddis.

Since then, things have changed a lot. I could bitch about how I still haven’t been in a relationship, or I’m still at the same frustrating job, or any of the other things that haven’t changed in my life (and um I do) or I can stop and see how I’ve begun let go of the old victim mentality. How by claiming an active roll in my life I’m happy for the first time since I can remember.

Now I’ve come to a point where I desire to take a deeper dive into my spirit and psyche.

ENTER MLT

This going deeper thing is a matter of removing the next layer of story. To explore the next level of self.  I wanted to find something that was more challenging than anything I’ve ever done before. To dig so deep that I vomit (ewwww).

Enter the Men’s Leadership Training. A six month in depth, hands on training that teaches men how to integrate the crap by community and participation. So I will have to go deep too. I seriously doubt I’ll vomit (bummer) but I might really want to.

THE CHALLENGE

The MLT is a program directed at men’s issues and what affects us most in relationship and… wait let me change that.  The MLT is a program directed at straight men and men’s issues. One of the key selling points for me was getting to be involved with like minded men who aren’t afraid to be vulnerable. For six months we are in a container of open camaraderie with men on a spiritual path.

My fear is open scorn.

The real challenge for me, however, is the interpretation of the straight to gay experience.

My belief is that there is very little, such as when straight folk talk about fear of pregnancy, I have the fear of HIV. There are some definite differences though. One is the fear of intimacy that isn’t hidden— even holding hands or kissing your partner good bye is an invite for scorn. Also social interactions between straights is so very different than for gays.

Adjusting to the differences and opening to love is the goal. What straight folk get from me is someone who can help them gain perspective. What I get from them is support and understanding at how normal I really am.

To close, I’ll confess that I HATE being gay. I am, I’ve known since I was bitty.

I’ve taken this difference personally and now am finally getting to a place where I can confront this imagined attack at my personality. I get to step into a fuller place.

I’m excited and scared.

I chose this program partially because I am different than the other participants but also because I am the same. I am a man and I am one who wants to face all the frustration and fear I feel head on.  I know one thing that even with me, MLT is about being human. I will learn to love my humanity.

40 years old, single, and damn tired of it, Daniel is working on finding the spiritual path that leads to self-acceptance. He works and lives in boulder.

I feel tremendous gratitude for those that hire me to work with them. To anyone who has ever hired me or worked with me, I offer these words of gratitude…

Thank you.

Thanks for being human  and acknowledging in yourself that something feels “off.”

Thank you for not knowing and having the courage to ask for help.

Thank you for allowing me to come into your life and trusting me with what is most vulnerable and intimate in your life.

Thank you for trusting me to help guide you.

Thank you for letting me bare witness to the truth unfolding and emerging in each moment with you.

Thanks for searching, for longing, for seeking.

Thank you for being willing to look in the mirror and get brutally honest.

When the door shuts, I enter your private world and am asked to be a guide. I step into that role with great humility, respect, and honor.

Human intimacy is what we all long for.  And our relationship is an intimate one. If nothing else, we are practicing the art of intimacy.

I feel close to you only because you hold the key and let me in.

Keep risking. Keep asking for guidance. Keep acknowledging whatever is true in your body, heart, mind, soul.

And I have a request when you are ready…And only when you are ready…

Please begin to risk being all of you out in the world, beyond our time together.

My son and daughter need people like you to be real. They need examples of an actual human being walking through the world, warts and all.

They do not need you to be one way here and another way there unless you own that’s what you do. They do not need to you be polished, put together, nice, or fabricated.

They need you to take off the mask and be as you are. They need your raw, uncensored self. It will give them confidence to not build a big fat mask.

I want them to have you as an example of what a real person is.

The shadow of personal growth work is only a shadow when you and I keep our personal and spiritual growth a secret. It only remains in the darkness because of our unwillingness to talk openly about our FULL range of human experience.

So please. Risk being your FULL selves………everywhere. And when you feel scared to do that, then talk about how scared you are to be yourself and then offer compassion to that part of yourself.

When you risk your being in this way, you blaze the trail for my son and daughter to follow. They then have living examples out in the real world of real people willing to be as they are.

With love,

Jayson

A couple of years later, I signed up for one of David Deida’s 5-day intensives and got rocked. Then, just last year, I buried the book. Finished. Done. No mas.

I work with men all the time who have read Deida and been served by the book and by his live events. Deida’s a badass for sure. I believe he is solely responsible for bringing men out of the “new age wimp” mentality that was common in the 80’s and 90’s. He started making “men’s work” sexy and compelling.

So, again, praise to the man and his work. Deep bows.

And, it’s time to move on, transcend and include, and get real.

The Deida-Bot

Time and time again I hear friends and clients who dig Deida (otherwise known as Deida-bots) get stuck in his words and concepts.  While I realize that is partly the consumer of his information’s responsibility, it is also partly the black and white teachings around the masculine and feminine that keeps men trapped.

The basic interpretation of Way of the Superior Man goes like this:

Okay, so I have to find a purpose. If I don’t know that I’m supposed to make that my purpose. If I breathe the right way and get in my masculine trustable power, then she will surrender to me. I am supposed to handle her shit storms even if they are abusive. And most importantly, “I’m supposed to fuck her open to God.” Bottom line? I’m supposed to “act masculine” like David Deida says.

This typically takes a man into a pattern of trying harder to get masculinity right. If I don’t do masculinity the way Deida says, I’m not a superior man and I’m probably going to remain at stage 1 or 2. I must not be man enough.

Some women have also become trapped. Their version goes something like this:

“Why won’t he fuck me open to God?” I can’t believe he isn’t man enough to take me and ravish me.  I can’t wait to surrender to him, but he just won’t man up for the task. I’m not sure what’s wrong with him? He’s just too nice. I want him to fuck me and he wants to just talk about his feelings. I better show him I’m mad by screaming at him and challenging his manhood.

The shock and awe of Deida’s live events are quite astounding. Men and women with their clothes on, coming to near orgasm and blowing each other’s minds! Wow. But, anyone who is in a long-term relationship knows the shock and awe is not sustainable.

Sadly, many tantra folks and sexually curious people begin to think what Deida teaches is the norm. Then, when they realize the approach is very challenging to stay with longer than a few months, they begin to think they are doing something wrong, not trying hard enough, and the self-doubt slowly creeps in.

I’m a spiritual dude and have done some serious work on myself. It ain’t happening like that for me in my life. Let’s get real people. Very few of us have mind-blowing sex for years and years on end.

If we are all honest, sex is tricky terrain, particularly in long term relationships. It provokes our deepest wounds and also has the potential to allow us to feel the most cosmic connection on the planet. Factor in children, stress from work, long days, emotional triggers etc, and sex is a crucible.

The Double Bind

Without knowing it, Deida’s work has put men in a double bind. On the one hand, men are supposed to show up fully present and it is their responsibility to “open” their woman. On the other hand, if they decide to become real, truthful, and relax into “being” they face getting blamed wimpy, feminine, or called out (in their men’s group or by their woman) for not being man enough.

Deida’s work is a great eye-opener for a man new to what is possible sexually. Deida is much easier and more fun to read than anyone else writing on the subject thus far. For many of these men, it is a step in the right direction.

Nevertheless, pretty soon and innocently enough, readers of Deida begin to “perform” to get the technique right. These men, believe, like I did, that if I just “do it right” she will surrender just like the book says. Some of these men don’t have a spiritual practice nor do they want to start one. That would be more “work” a man has to do. For some men, it’s just another self-improvement project that you must master to get the love and sexual intimacy you long for.

However, once you settle into a relationship for longer than a year, his words dry up. The concepts begin to feel flat and simplistic. Paired with my actual, lived experience as a new father and husband, Deida comes up increasingly short.

I’m noticing the calcification that has happened around Deida and his teachings that have me bored, disinterested and wanting to do triage on couples and male Deida-bots everywhere.

Moving beyond Deida

But first I am doing triage on myself by working on an entirely different approach to sexuality. With the ongoing mentorship from David Cates of Deep Masculine, one of the trail blazers of conscious sexuality, I am learning a completely different approach to my sexuality.

Accoring to Cates, tantra is dead. He knows the performance trap men get into around sex. Cates’ view is that once we plug into our own bodies from a relaxed place, we can experience sex as new, fresh, cosmic, and sustainable.

I imagine other men and women are teaching a new approach to sexuality. It’s time. Sex is a labyrinth of possibilities. Finding the right guide can make the dance feel a whole lot more doable and sustainable.

Let’s not be complacent about our sex lives, but let’s also be realistic. Sex is yet another vehicle, a mirror, and a path to the love we long for.

What realistic steps are you taking to enhance and deepen your sex life?

“Jayson, I appreciate what you are telling me, but “how” you are telling me is kind of harsh.” In other words, I would often laser in with my very accurate bullshit detector, but “how” I called bullshit left people feeling stung and even hurt.

Sometimes, even today, I give people feedback as a way to push them away in order to get some personal space. I also have cut people out of my life because the story was “I can’t stand your neediness.” (more to the story below…)

In fact, I used to unconsciously get in a fight with my wife to get some space from her because I was too afraid to ask for space directly (a classic enmeshed relationship pattern). Do you have some version of this?

The feedback others gave me was the kind of mirroring which was attempting to point me to my blind spots. At first I was defensive. Later I was open to hear it. Now, I begrudgingly give thanks when someone points out a blind spot, otherwise know as my shadow.

The Shadow

Ah yes, the shadow. We all have one. As Carl Jung said, 

“Everyone carries a shadow, and the less it is embodied in the individual’s conscious life, the blacker and denser it is. At all counts, it forms an unconscious snag, thwarting our most well0meant intentions.”

The shadow is essentially what we are unconscious to within ourselves. The shadow can run our lives if we are not careful. Contrary to popular belief, the shadow is not some dark, bad part of us that we must “get rid of.” The shadow is as valid as any other part of us and it needs our curiousity, love, attention, kindness and acceptance.

Once we finally see our shadow, we can begin to heal it, reclaim it, and become whole again.

As a “healer” it is pretty easy to fall victim to hiding my shadow from my clients and mentees. Most western therapies train the therapist to reveal very little about themselves so the patient or client can project onto them. Then, the therapist works the projection and the person can begin to heal. While this is valid and largely a good technique for certain folks, it is far from what I am doing these days.

I continue to reveal more of who I am not only because this is one aspect of the new masculine paradigm, but because people keep telling me my truth-telling serves them. It gives other men “permission” and inspiration to do the same.

Even still, this one is hard to admit. I don’t like admitting what I admit in this video, but it is crucial to my path. It is paramount that I continue to tell the full truth about myself so as to be fearless and free.

Not surprisingly, after uncovering this shadow last Sunday night and being raw all week, my shadow surfaced three specific times. Three times I lashed out toward others. Ouch.

Watch the video as I take responsibility for my main shadow.

Keep reading below after you watch the video for it to make the most sense.

To review

I was hurt as a kid through energetic, emotional, psychic “invasion” of my boundaries (among a two others: abandonment & rejection). I tried to set boundaries as an infant by screaming, pushing, kicking, or whatever. This was unsuccessful so I eventually gave in and shut down, allowing my parents and others to engulf me and do what they wanted to with me.

As an adult, when I perceive someone is “invading” my space by talking too much, not respecting my time or boundaries, people who tell me how I’m feeling instead of asking, or being needy, I immediately have a reaction. It triggers the old memory of invasion and I habitually respond the same way I always have, by bullying.

When my experience is that someone is being “invasive” through whatever action, I have a choice. Set a boundary or allow them to keep going. It has been very hard for me to set a boundary as I’m afraid I’m going to hurt their feelings. The deeper cut is that I am more afraid of what I’m going to have to feel seeing them hurt or mad. So, my form of protecting myself is to abandon myself and my truth so as to not rock the boat and in order to maintain relationship.

The Practice?

1. Honor my space. Tell friends, family, and others that what I am working on. Get their buy-in and support of what my issue is and what I’m doing about it.
2. Love the very hurt little boy that the bully is protecting. Feel him. Breathe love and acceptance into him.
3. Love myself. Do this by setting conscious boundaries from a non-triggered place. Know immediately when I start feeling invaded by someone and speak up by owning “I feel invaded right now, I’m going inward. I feel scared you are not respecting my space” or something similar to this.
4. Once I set the boundary, relax into the space.
5. If I fuck up and lash out with the bully, go back and clean it up by owning what I did and listen to how that impacted them. Acknowledge and validate.
6. Get back in conscious relationship with self and other.
7. Be willing to risk losing the relationship if a person is not able or willing to respect my boundary.

Remember Jung who said, “Man’s task is to become conscious of the contents that press upward from the unconscious.” This has always been my task and I believe the task of any spiritual man. The more you can discover and then own up to your shadow, the less it will run you.

My challenge to you

Since we all have a shadow, investigate yours. Commit to finding the bottom, the source. Coming to shining the light of LOVE on your shadow so that you can experience more wholeness and connection.

And, if you have felt bullied by me, just let me know. And, my commitment is to let you know when I feel invaded or taken advantage of.

“The shadow is a moral problem that challenges the whole ego-personality, for no one can become conscious of the shadow without considerable moral effort. To become conscious of it involves recognizing the dark aspects of the personality as present and real. This act is the essential condition for any kind of self-knowledge.”

—Carl Jung

Gay men (and other oppressed folks) have had to face something that I, as a white, heterosexual dude have the luxury of avoiding–the question of personal identiy.

Disclaimer: I speak only from the therapeutic and coaching work I have done with gay men and from the gay friends I have. I invite my gay brothers to chime in here and speak about your own experience. I generalize here and I feel okay about it. Am I sterotyping? Perhaps. You tell me.

If you are gay, from a very early age, you have had to face your identity head on. No matter how much you try to avoid it, or suppress it, it will haunt you, so my gay friends tell me. The core incongruency is so painful and jarring, that it is impossible to avoid successfully unless you are an advanced narcissist and surround yourself with brainwashing so powerful, you completely leave behind who you really are for a false identity that will grant you what you want so badly—more acceptance or perceived acceptance.

Generally, the advanced narcissist has so much power, money, and privilege that he can continue to hide. But even with the narcissist, his secret life will eventually leak out. His porn addiction, his sexual acting out, his fraudulent behavior, the lying, cheating, etc. Since he has such a fragile ego, and his identity is false, he goes on the offensive and often attacks, thus defending the fragile inner core. What’s deep inside the narcissist may never be discovered as many of these men take their secrets to their grave.

The gay man, on the other hand, is used to being on the defensive. Everything in modern, western culture is stacked against him. It seems to me that an openly gay man still has less rights than a woman, a black man, or a disabled veteran (correct me if I’m wrong here). Strangely, every other man knowingly or unknowingly measures himself against a gay man. Growing up, if you act weak, too emotional, or feminine, you will likely be made fun of as a fag, girly, or gay.  As I have written before, this can be a boy or man’s biggest fear–being perceived as gay, or too feminine. So a straight man must act “not gay” rather than just being himself. And, a gay man must do the same.

When a gay man finally does have the tremendous courage to “come out” and owns that he is gay, he might experience relief, the burden lifted, even though what lies ahead is still incredibly steep for him. But the gay man’s journey to coming out is a hero’s journey by all accounts.

He must dive deep inside and investigate what is actually true. And this is the meat of what I’m trying to say here. Gay men do the work. What work? The work to get to know oneself fully, to become aligned with who you are. A gay man who comes out addresses the core incongruency that we all feel inside. Once this core identity issue is addressed, a solid foundation is now in place for a man to move forward in life and is now more resourced to handle all of life’s challenges.

For most of us straight folks, the only time we have to face ourselves is when we are in pain. We too know what a core incongruency feels like, but we don’t always act, nor do we have to act. It is not until life throws us a major curve ball via a crisis or cosmic loving connection, do we even have to pay attention. So, let us take a note from the playbook of the gay man who has come out. That guy has serious balls. Let him motivate you to find that core congruency in yourself so that you can stop living someone else’s truth and live your own.

To review, what can us straight guys learn from gay guys? Fearless self-honesty.

Thank you gay brothers and sisters for modeling the courage it takes to look in the mirror and get honest. You inspire me.

p.s. I also understand that once a gay man is openly gay it doesn’t mean he continues a path of self-honesty. He can be just as full of shit as the rest of us!

I just finished a 6 month Men’s Leadership Training and WOW.  11 men + 10-12 staff and me all went through this amazing modern-day rite of passage.

I think it’s safe to say, this was a life changing experience for everyone involved.

Testimonials and a video to come….

I witnessed men:

• go from boy to man
• get in touch with their authentic power
• experience a deep connection to source, the divine, and God
• who now know what it is like to have men in their lives who genuinely have their back
• get in touch with deep rage and express it
• gain seriously clarity around their life purpose
• go from being stuck and locked up to incredibly open, loving, and powerful
• feel safe enough and relaxed enough to take major risks and explore real conflict with each other
• step into solid leadership on the fly
• willingly make mistakes and fail so they could move forward
• learn what a true brotherhood is really about
• and on and on…

I too grew into the next level of me-hood. I stepped into my power and leadership like never before and it was nothing like I expected it to be. I eventually led from a place of total transparency, a first for masculine leadership and I was able to model the new masculine paradigm.

The training is a really solid place to explore and expand yourself in a super safe container. A weekend workshop is never enough time to build this kind of community. But within six months, you have time to enter conflict and work through your own challenges and interpersonal challenges. And, you get to stay in a mountain home and live together during the weekend intensives, taking “community” from a concept into an experience.

What I am now clear about is that I am holding some big masculine space for whatever needs to happen in men who want to dive deeper. When a tribe is safe, community members are free to let go and express themselves fully. Knowing that you are held is what many of us have longed for.

This tribe is growing. So, are you ready to join us next time?

Here is what one man said:

This training has offered me so much in my personal growth and spiritual development, I can honestly say that it has transformed my life. The connections that I’ve made with the men, the breakthroughs that I had, and watching my confidence in myself grow, have been truly astounding to witness. Self discovery, really sums up my experience of this training. I feel more confident, self assured, self awareness, and most of all I feel really supported, emotionally and spiritually. I know all of these men have my back, in the same way I have theirs. Powerful, transformative, awakening, edges pushed, shadows unveiled, playfulness,  feeling held, going deeper, unlimited potential and room for growth.

Ian Shaw
personal trainer/kickboxing instructor/media-music specialist
Oregon/Colorado

and here’s another man’s words…

I’m still processing everything from our tribe’s six months together. A lot has happened for me since January and my life keeps getting better everyday. I’m starting my lifelong dream of traveling around the world without a set agenda in September. I would not have had the self confidence to quit my job and align my life with my purpose if I had not had the support of you and this tribe. I was able to face and deal with issues that have been holding me back since childhood and that still effect my relationships today. The brothers in my small group supported me and held me accountable on a weekly basis. I’m in great appreciation and awe of their support. It has made me realize the power of living honestly and with extreme integrity. It keeps bringing so many amazing new gifts and people into my life. I’m a huge supporter of this work and realize that what we have started is just a beginning. I’m freaking jazzed about the vision for the new conscious masculine paradigm.

Aho!

Tom Taber

The short video below is quite vague, but if you take a glimpse, you’ll begin to feel how i was personally impacted. Grrrrr.

1. What is underneath your porn behavior?

2. What would you have to feel and experience if you stopped jerking off to porn or even fantasy?

3. How can you not only stay in touch with your sexuality in a conscious way without porn, but how can you increase your sexual energy and use it for good?

4. What are the ways in which you let your culture dictate what is sexy, attractive, and a “turn on” to you? What are you going to do about that?

Here is Marc:

Men, let’s face it: We ALL have SOME charge with Pornography. I am not one for making grand sweeping statements like that, but I know that I am definitely not the only guy who tries to innocently peek inside the Adult Stores when the door casually swings open, and I am definitely not the only one who flicks back to the previous channel whilst channel surfing if I think I just saw a tit. However big or small, I am prepared to go on record to say that at least 90% of men have a charge with pornography.

For a little over a decade, I suffered from a devastating addiction to pornography. I have to be honest, it was not an every day occurrence. But for over ten years, I would frequent seedy adult sites, on average, every two weeks. I cried many tears over the years because of this. Why? Because the person I was showing to the world was not the person who would be sat up until 2am some nights looking for more and more intense pornography to satisfy my fix. I was, by all accounts, considered a very sweet and sensitive guy. Random strangers who would talk to me would often report back to my mother “Your son Marc is a lovely kid, so polite, and such a pleasure to have around”. Whenever she would feed back these compliments to me, smiling with that proud mother glow, I faked a smile and felt really awful about myself.

Going out into the world made things even worse. My ability to relate to women was strained, at best. I could not let myself get close to any woman in the way I truly wanted because I was too well-trained at objectifying the feminine for my own personal gratification. Women were objects. Worse, they were sex objects whose God-given purpose was to get me off. I knew this was a lie, but that knowledge would not sink in to the point where I could let go of that way of being.

It all came to the crunch one day when I sat down, armed with a pen and paper and wrote down every single fantasy I had ever had, my favorite images and why they turned me on so much (and what I was thinking when I saw them). I got it all down on paper over the space of two hours, with my face contorted in fits of tears. It was the most devastating, and most intensely healing release I had had in years.

Almost two months later, being clean for the longest time in years, I decided I wanted to help other porn addicts take responsibility for their porn addiction and start to get clear on what their feelings meant and what was even possible for them once they had let go of their addiction.

I have been a long-time spiritual seeker (hell, it was the only thing I thought to do when I realized I had to kill this addiction). Telling my friends was a difficult thing to do and yet as I started to share with some how much I had suffered, I remember a few years ago hearing some fans of David Deida’s work say they used pornography as practice to open to what was occurring – An Appreciation Practice! Looking into the spiritual and personal development community over the last few years, I started to see what I can only describe as a lot of spiritual white-washing and a lot of very standard ideas like “Porn is fine, stop beating yourself up about it, just watch and enjoy it” seep into online forum posts by people who wanted to bring it up as a serious discussion. Honestly, I saw this as being the most irresponsible way of brushing the entire issue under the carpet, with an issue as large as pornography.

Over time I gave this more thought. As of a month ago, after an engulfing pit in my stomach after beating off, I decided to stop masturbating altogether. Why? Because I started to wonder: What kind of aliveness am I missing out on if I have to beat the bishop every time an uncomfortable sensation arises? A few days after I decided to stop masturbating, I sat in my car going out of my MIND. Thanks to a daily meditation practice and a long traffic jam that morning, I had time to realize that this had nothing to do with “normal human sexual urges” but was me not being able to integrate something. I have recently started my own coaching program The Clearing via my own site and had been experiencing fear of putting it out there for all to see – and had subsequently sexualized that feeling to give myself a way not to fully experience that fear. As I sat in my car that morning, realizing that I was only trying to escape my own personal aliveness allowed these feelings wash over me like water off a dove’s back. Since that morning, I have had very little desire to choke the monkey.

Our society has been trained to sexualize almost every uncomfortable sensation possible. We are told it is normal to “clean the pipes” before going out on a date so that we can “relax”. We are also told that using pornography can be a healthy part of any relationship. What if those of us who have used pornography are actually missing out on “enjoying and playing with” that nervous sensation we ALL get on a date, and what if instead of substituting intimacy with our partner for pornography (does she REALLY want to watch porn with you, or is she just feeling helpless as to how to resolve the lack of intimacy?) were to allow us to experience a kind of intimacy that would open our hearts beyond what we thought possible.

So my question to you is: What is your relationship to pornography? And if you use pornography (however infrequently), if you were to treat these sensations as a point of inquiry, where do you see yourself completely missing the larger point of what the sensation is trying to teach you. As far as I’m concerned, beating off to porn is not a good strategy for living the life we love, and yet we tolerate it more than I think we should.

Marc Quinn is a late-bloomer with a heart that has never steered him wrong. He has engaged in men’s work of various kinds over the last 3-4 years and considers himself “the guy who likes to talk about things people don’t like to bring up”. His web site My Porn Addiction Story was launched a few months ago, for guys and girls who find it difficult to give up pornography, after he saw that most of the advice on Google was “crap”. He is intent on having more conversations about pornography by making them engaging, funny, and down-to-earth whilst providing people with the means to see their addiction as a container for immense personal growth. He often likes to sing “The Power of Love” by Jennifer Rush on full volume while he works.

Art by Bryce Widom

When I tell people I “do men’s work” I often get some seriously funny looks. From my understanding, the term “men’s work” originally came into use in the late 70′s and early 80′s as men began to react and respond to the feminist movement. Reactions to feminism sprouted different aspects of men’s work. Largely, men’s work is associated with the mythopoetic men’s movement of the 80′s.

Unfortunately, over time, men doing men’s work got labeled wimpy, new age guys. The stereotype painted a picture of men beating on drums, reading poetry, getting naked, and crying. To this day, some men think this is what I do and while I do participate in drum circles, I do get naked, and I do cry, there is much more to the story.

From my own judgment, “new age,” “spiritual,” “green meme” or whatever you want to call men who are open to personal development work, are labled wimpy and spineless not only because those casting judgment have internalized homophobia and are disconnected from their own feminine and masculine essence, but because sometimes we “holistic guys” do have attributes that lack action, follow through, and practical business skills.

Here is my own definition of men’s work since I couldn’t find one when I googled it.

Men’s work in 2010 is a term used by men to describe “inner psychological work” used to work through and overcome blocks to what men claim they want. Men’s work also challenges and empowers men to be their best. Men’s work is most commonly done in the community of other men in men’s circles and groups and men-only weekend workshops. Men’s work is noteworthy for teaching men to lean on other men, instead of always leaning on women. Men’s work is NOT in reaction to feminism. It is merely one vehicle to help men live the life they claim they want.

Whatever the case, men’s work hasn’t been that cool, nor has it had broad appeal among many men today. Because of this and other reasons, I am calling on men’s leaders to gather in September at the Evolving Men’s Conference Build the Foundation Weekend to vision, collaborate, and brainstorm the way forward.  Thankfully, guys like Marc Quinn and Alex Linsley of ManCollective are coming all the way from England! Both in their 20′s, they are stoking the fire of what’s possible with this stuff called men’s work and men’s groups and helping to redefine it.

In fact, Marc raises some really important questions in the piece below which was published in the Integral Leadership Review.

Marc asks a key question: “Why is most of this men’s work about therapy and support?” And even better he asks, “I am curious to know if wilderness retreats, drumming circles or other practices of yesterday’s men’s groups are really the way forward, or if we need to find a new vehicle to engage men today?” While not all men’s organizations have such activities, the stereotype remains. Finally, as Tripp Lanier and Marc point out, even the term men’s “work” can be a turn off for dudes who have enough “work” in their lives already. More “work” doesn’t exactly sound enticing.

I’m with Marc and Alex. If we really want to help men live lives of meaning, purpose, and fulfillment, we have to get with the program and reach them where they are using language that is current and appealing. With all due respect, dudes simply don’t relate to archetypes such as King, Lover, Magician, Warrior. They don’t read Iron John anymore. The Way of the Superior Man is even becoming outdated. Men need current information and need to know it will genuinely help them live bigger, better lives.

However, even if the message is current and sexy, each man who genuinely wants to improve his life, still faces the canard of judgment. If men want to gather together in 2010 and get real, outside conventional male activities such as the pub, work, and sports, they face being labeled gay, too feminine, naval gazers, or anti-woman.  And, if you want different results in your life as a man and you choose to ask for help, you must make your own personal desire to change a higher priority than what others think of you. Not every man will be up for this.

My response to the onslaught of potential judgment? Who gives a shit. People judge me all the time and they are judging you too. Who cares? Are you really going to let that stop you? I am passionate about my own men’s community and the men’s communities I help create. When men get together in a conscious way, powerful shit happens. It’s not much different than a high-functioning sports team or rock band. When we men gather together we carry the potential of the darkest acts of destruction and the highest, most noble acts of integrity, love, and consciousness.

Obviously I’m inspired to do the latter.

And for the record, I am all about men getting together to raise their individual consciousness and the collective consciousness. As far as what we call it? I think the answer lies in one question we will ponder at the Evolving Men’s Conference in September: “How” will we reach other men and move our collective gender forward in the most fierce, conscious way?

Your thoughts?

Here is the outstanding piece done by Marc. Well worth the read, seriously.

On March 27th, 2010, a group of 25 people (all but 2 being men) gathered in South London to discuss the state of men in the UK, and what could be done to bring more purpose, power and meaning to their lives.

Man Collective was started last November when Alex Linsley, an economics student at Oxford University, wanted to start a men’s group to gather a close-knit community of men to challenge and inspire him to step up the game in his life. Some would say he was unwise to send out an email to the entire Oxford University Network including the question “Do you have balls?” but I found it incredibly bold. Surprisingly enough to Alex, his group earned the attention of Oxford University’s newspaper “Cherwell.” Then within a week it was featured in a national newspaper, The Guardian, and within 24 hours Alex was sat in the BBC studios in Oxford talking on live radio and TV news about what he intended for the group and responding to a barrage of joint feminist and chauvinist attacks. Had anyone ever united the feminists and the chauvinists in the same camp before?

Seeing all this attention brought to Alex over something as “insignificant” as a tiny men’s group, I became highly inspired by the opportunity that lay before us to make a difference for men in the UK. For me, my stars had finally lined up. My own search into all things integral over the last few years told me that this was really a golden opportunity for us to stand for something much greater than a single men’s group. One day, at London’s busiest train station over a cup of coffee, I told Alex that I wanted to see a men’s group in every single university in the UK, and I asked him to help me. Since then, we have tried to see what an organization that could support men would look like, and how groups could be structured so that they would work well. We wanted to go beyond seeing ourselves as “menimists” (a name we have been called by the woman’s magazine Grazia,) and beyond seeing ourselves as a men’s rights group. We did not wish to outsource responsibility for the state of men in the UK to politicians and activists; we wanted to take full responsibility. To put it integrally, we decided we wanted to support the development of the left-hand interior quadrants in the most powerful way we could without making it look like “self help.”

After much discussion about WHY the British press found his group so news-worthy, we decided we wanted to see where “men’s work” was in the UK. Was there anyone out there working solely for men? What did their work look like? More importantly, we wanted to know why they were so difficult to find. We organized The Gathering as a way to accomplish this, and to connect–in many cases for the first time–the many strands that do exist in the UK.

We started The Gathering by giving everyone present an opportunity…read the rest here.

This is my quick take on the new masculine paradigm that is being born right now. The question is, will you step into it with me? This one is going to take serious balls and a big, wide, open heart. Let’s do it!

I can feel freedom and liberation seeping into my pores! Finally the kind of freedom I have been yearning for.

After watching the video above, watch the one below. This is me right after one of my meltdowns during the Men’s Leadership Training that I was leading recently. Yes, I said “meltdown.” You know, crying, sobbing and drooling on myself in front of 24 other men. It was a huge step in the right direction for me. But not just feeling. Being transparent and open whilst staying in the captain’s seat. I am finding a middle way here and I’m freakin’ pumped about it.

It was a liberating experience.

The world needs more men willing to be completely who they are, completely and utterly authentic and genuine, warts and all. My commitment is to “show you” how to be yourself by leading by example. This means that I continue to reveal more about who I am on this blog.

Be sure to read my previous post on WTF is happening to me for more information. Remember the two key lessons are 1) make mistakes and 2) be transparent and congruent.

I LOVE NOT TRYING TO BE SOMEBODY!!!!