I just returned from my 20 year high school reunion. Wow. Who did I connect with the most? My gay friends who were not openly gay growing up and my Mormon pals who left the LDS church. “Yup, I’m gay and this is my partner so and so….” So, immediately, I was super interested and intrigued about what it must have been like since high school (and before) to have walked in their shoes.

Gay men (and other oppressed folks) have had to face something that I, as a white, heterosexual dude have the luxury of avoiding–the question of personal identiy.

Disclaimer: I speak only from the therapeutic and coaching work I have done with gay men and from the gay friends I have. I invite my gay brothers to chime in here and speak about your own experience. I generalize here and I feel okay about it. Am I sterotyping? Perhaps. You tell me.

If you are gay, from a very early age, you have had to face your identity head on. No matter how much you try to avoid it, or suppress it, it will haunt you, so my gay friends tell me. The core incongruency is so painful and jarring, that it is impossible to avoid successfully unless you are an advanced narcissist and surround yourself with brainwashing so powerful, you completely leave behind who you really are for a false identity that will grant you what you want so badly—more acceptance or perceived acceptance.

Generally, the advanced narcissist has so much power, money, and privilege that he can continue to hide. But even with the narcissist, his secret life will eventually leak out. His porn addiction, his sexual acting out, his fraudulent behavior, the lying, cheating, etc. Since he has such a fragile ego, and his identity is false, he goes on the offensive and often attacks, thus defending the fragile inner core. What’s deep inside the narcissist may never be discovered as many of these men take their secrets to their grave.

The gay man, on the other hand, is used to being on the defensive. Everything in modern, western culture is stacked against him. It seems to me that an openly gay man still has less rights than a woman, a black man, or a disabled veteran (correct me if I’m wrong here). Strangely, every other man knowingly or unknowingly measures himself against a gay man. Growing up, if you act weak, too emotional, or feminine, you will likely be made fun of as a fag, girly, or gay.  As I have written before, this can be a boy or man’s biggest fear–being perceived as gay, or too feminine. So a straight man must act “not gay” rather than just being himself. And, a gay man must do the same.

When a gay man finally does have the tremendous courage to “come out” and owns that he is gay, he might experience relief, the burden lifted, even though what lies ahead is still incredibly steep for him. But the gay man’s journey to coming out is a hero’s journey by all accounts.

He must dive deep inside and investigate what is actually true. And this is the meat of what I’m trying to say here. Gay men do the work. What work? The work to get to know oneself fully, to become aligned with who you are. A gay man who comes out addresses the core incongruency that we all feel inside. Once this core identity issue is addressed, a solid foundation is now in place for a man to move forward in life and is now more resourced to handle all of life’s challenges.

For most of us straight folks, the only time we have to face ourselves is when we are in pain. We too know what a core incongruency feels like, but we don’t always act, nor do we have to act. It is not until life throws us a major curve ball via a crisis or cosmic loving connection, do we even have to pay attention. So, let us take a note from the playbook of the gay man who has come out. That guy has serious balls. Let him motivate you to find that core congruency in yourself so that you can stop living someone else’s truth and live your own.

To review, what can us straight guys learn from gay guys? Fearless self-honesty.

Thank you gay brothers and sisters for modeling the courage it takes to look in the mirror and get honest. You inspire me.

p.s. I also understand that once a gay man is openly gay it doesn’t mean he continues a path of self-honesty. He can be just as full of shit as the rest of us!

If you are a hungry man, keep reading. I am calling out to evolving men who may want to join our tribe.

I just finished a 6 month Men’s Leadership Training and WOW.  11 men + 10-12 staff and me all went through this amazing modern-day rite of passage.

I think it’s safe to say, this was a life changing experience for everyone involved.

Testimonials and a video to come….

I witnessed men:

• go from boy to man
• get in touch with their authentic power
• experience a deep connection to source, the divine, and God
• who now know what it is like to have men in their lives who genuinely have their back
• get in touch with deep rage and express it
• gain seriously clarity around their life purpose
• go from being stuck and locked up to incredibly open, loving, and powerful
• feel safe enough and relaxed enough to take major risks and explore real conflict with each other
• step into solid leadership on the fly
• willingly make mistakes and fail so they could move forward
• learn what a true brotherhood is really about
• and on and on…

I too grew into the next level of me-hood. I stepped into my power and leadership like never before and it was nothing like I expected it to be. I eventually led from a place of total transparency, a first for masculine leadership and I was able to model the new masculine paradigm.

The training is a really solid place to explore and expand yourself in a super safe container. A weekend workshop is never enough time to build this kind of community. But within six months, you have time to enter conflict and work through your own challenges and interpersonal challenges. And, you get to stay in a mountain home and live together during the weekend intensives, taking “community” from a concept into an experience.

What I am now clear about is that I am holding some big masculine space for whatever needs to happen in men who want to dive deeper. When a tribe is safe, community members are free to let go and express themselves fully. Knowing that you are held is what many of us have longed for.

This tribe is growing. So, are you ready to join us next time?

Here is what one man said:

This training has offered me so much in my personal growth and spiritual development, I can honestly say that it has transformed my life. The connections that I’ve made with the men, the breakthroughs that I had, and watching my confidence in myself grow, have been truly astounding to witness. Self discovery, really sums up my experience of this training. I feel more confident, self assured, self awareness, and most of all I feel really supported, emotionally and spiritually. I know all of these men have my back, in the same way I have theirs. Powerful, transformative, awakening, edges pushed, shadows unveiled, playfulness,  feeling held, going deeper, unlimited potential and room for growth.

Ian Shaw
personal trainer/kickboxing instructor/media-music specialist
Oregon/Colorado

and here’s another man’s words…

I’m still processing everything from our tribe’s six months together. A lot has happened for me since January and my life keeps getting better everyday. I’m starting my lifelong dream of traveling around the world without a set agenda in September. I would not have had the self confidence to quit my job and align my life with my purpose if I had not had the support of you and this tribe. I was able to face and deal with issues that have been holding me back since childhood and that still effect my relationships today. The brothers in my small group supported me and held me accountable on a weekly basis. I’m in great appreciation and awe of their support. It has made me realize the power of living honestly and with extreme integrity. It keeps bringing so many amazing new gifts and people into my life. I’m a huge supporter of this work and realize that what we have started is just a beginning. I’m freaking jazzed about the vision for the new conscious masculine paradigm.

Aho!

Tom Taber

The short video below is quite vague, but if you take a glimpse, you’ll begin to feel how i was personally impacted. Grrrrr.

This is solid, vulnerable guest post from my bro Marc Quinn in the UK. I am not surprised by how and why many men have porn challenges. To me, it’s a symptom of something else going on as well as how fucked up we are sexually as a culture. Some questions to consider while reading Marc’s piece:

1. What is underneath your porn behavior?

2. What would you have to feel and experience if you stopped jerking off to porn or even fantasy?

3. How can you not only stay in touch with your sexuality in a conscious way without porn, but how can you increase your sexual energy and use it for good?

4. What are the ways in which you let your culture dictate what is sexy, attractive, and a “turn on” to you? What are you going to do about that?

Here is Marc:

Men, let’s face it: We ALL have SOME charge with Pornography. I am not one for making grand sweeping statements like that, but I know that I am definitely not the only guy who tries to innocently peek inside the Adult Stores when the door casually swings open, and I am definitely not the only one who flicks back to the previous channel whilst channel surfing if I think I just saw a tit. However big or small, I am prepared to go on record to say that at least 90% of men have a charge with pornography.

For a little over a decade, I suffered from a devastating addiction to pornography. I have to be honest, it was not an every day occurrence. But for over ten years, I would frequent seedy adult sites, on average, every two weeks. I cried many tears over the years because of this. Why? Because the person I was showing to the world was not the person who would be sat up until 2am some nights looking for more and more intense pornography to satisfy my fix. I was, by all accounts, considered a very sweet and sensitive guy. Random strangers who would talk to me would often report back to my mother “Your son Marc is a lovely kid, so polite, and such a pleasure to have around”. Whenever she would feed back these compliments to me, smiling with that proud mother glow, I faked a smile and felt really awful about myself.

Going out into the world made things even worse. My ability to relate to women was strained, at best. I could not let myself get close to any woman in the way I truly wanted because I was too well-trained at objectifying the feminine for my own personal gratification. Women were objects. Worse, they were sex objects whose God-given purpose was to get me off. I knew this was a lie, but that knowledge would not sink in to the point where I could let go of that way of being.

It all came to the crunch one day when I sat down, armed with a pen and paper and wrote down every single fantasy I had ever had, my favorite images and why they turned me on so much (and what I was thinking when I saw them). I got it all down on paper over the space of two hours, with my face contorted in fits of tears. It was the most devastating, and most intensely healing release I had had in years.

Almost two months later, being clean for the longest time in years, I decided I wanted to help other porn addicts take responsibility for their porn addiction and start to get clear on what their feelings meant and what was even possible for them once they had let go of their addiction.

I have been a long-time spiritual seeker (hell, it was the only thing I thought to do when I realized I had to kill this addiction). Telling my friends was a difficult thing to do and yet as I started to share with some how much I had suffered, I remember a few years ago hearing some fans of David Deida’s work say they used pornography as practice to open to what was occurring – An Appreciation Practice! Looking into the spiritual and personal development community over the last few years, I started to see what I can only describe as a lot of spiritual white-washing and a lot of very standard ideas like “Porn is fine, stop beating yourself up about it, just watch and enjoy it” seep into online forum posts by people who wanted to bring it up as a serious discussion. Honestly, I saw this as being the most irresponsible way of brushing the entire issue under the carpet, with an issue as large as pornography.

Over time I gave this more thought. As of a month ago, after an engulfing pit in my stomach after beating off, I decided to stop masturbating altogether. Why? Because I started to wonder: What kind of aliveness am I missing out on if I have to beat the bishop every time an uncomfortable sensation arises? A few days after I decided to stop masturbating, I sat in my car going out of my MIND. Thanks to a daily meditation practice and a long traffic jam that morning, I had time to realize that this had nothing to do with “normal human sexual urges” but was me not being able to integrate something. I have recently started my own coaching program The Clearing via my own site and had been experiencing fear of putting it out there for all to see – and had subsequently sexualized that feeling to give myself a way not to fully experience that fear. As I sat in my car that morning, realizing that I was only trying to escape my own personal aliveness allowed these feelings wash over me like water off a dove’s back. Since that morning, I have had very little desire to choke the monkey.

Our society has been trained to sexualize almost every uncomfortable sensation possible. We are told it is normal to “clean the pipes” before going out on a date so that we can “relax”. We are also told that using pornography can be a healthy part of any relationship. What if those of us who have used pornography are actually missing out on “enjoying and playing with” that nervous sensation we ALL get on a date, and what if instead of substituting intimacy with our partner for pornography (does she REALLY want to watch porn with you, or is she just feeling helpless as to how to resolve the lack of intimacy?) were to allow us to experience a kind of intimacy that would open our hearts beyond what we thought possible.

So my question to you is: What is your relationship to pornography? And if you use pornography (however infrequently), if you were to treat these sensations as a point of inquiry, where do you see yourself completely missing the larger point of what the sensation is trying to teach you. As far as I’m concerned, beating off to porn is not a good strategy for living the life we love, and yet we tolerate it more than I think we should.

Marc Quinn is a late-bloomer with a heart that has never steered him wrong. He has engaged in men’s work of various kinds over the last 3-4 years and considers himself “the guy who likes to talk about things people don’t like to bring up”. His web site My Porn Addiction Story was launched a few months ago, for guys and girls who find it difficult to give up pornography, after he saw that most of the advice on Google was “crap”. He is intent on having more conversations about pornography by making them engaging, funny, and down-to-earth whilst providing people with the means to see their addiction as a container for immense personal growth. He often likes to sing “The Power of Love” by Jennifer Rush on full volume while he works.

Art by Bryce Widom

When I tell people I “do men’s work” I often get some seriously funny looks. From my understanding, the term “men’s work” originally came into use in the late 70’s and early 80’s as men began to react and respond to the feminist movement. Reactions to feminism sprouted different aspects of men’s work. Largely, men’s work is associated with the mythopoetic men’s movement of the 80’s.

Unfortunately, over time, men doing men’s work got labeled wimpy, new age guys. The stereotype painted a picture of men beating on drums, reading poetry, getting naked, and crying. To this day, some men think this is what I do and while I do participate in drum circles, I do get naked, and I do cry, there is much more to the story.

From my own judgment, “new age,” “spiritual,” “green meme” or whatever you want to call men who are open to personal development work, are labled wimpy and spineless not only because those casting judgment have internalized homophobia and are disconnected from their own feminine and masculine essence, but because sometimes we “holistic guys” do have attributes that lack action, follow through, and practical business skills.

Here is my own definition of men’s work since I couldn’t find one when I googled it.

Men’s work in 2010 is a term used by men to describe “inner psychological work” used to work through and overcome blocks to what men claim they want. Men’s work also challenges and empowers men to be their best. Men’s work is most commonly done in the community of other men in men’s circles and groups and men-only weekend workshops. Men’s work is noteworthy for teaching men to lean on other men, instead of always leaning on women. Men’s work is NOT in reaction to feminism. It is merely one vehicle to help men live the life they claim they want.

Whatever the case, men’s work hasn’t been that cool, nor has it had broad appeal among many men today. Because of this and other reasons, I am calling on men’s leaders to gather in September at the Evolving Men’s Conference Build the Foundation Weekend to vision, collaborate, and brainstorm the way forward.  Thankfully, guys like Marc Quinn and Alex Linsley of ManCollective are coming all the way from England! Both in their 20’s, they are stoking the fire of what’s possible with this stuff called men’s work and men’s groups and helping to redefine it.

In fact, Marc raises some really important questions in the piece below which was published in the Integral Leadership Review.

Marc asks a key question: “Why is most of this men’s work about therapy and support?” And even better he asks, “I am curious to know if wilderness retreats, drumming circles or other practices of yesterday’s men’s groups are really the way forward, or if we need to find a new vehicle to engage men today?” While not all men’s organizations have such activities, the stereotype remains. Finally, as Tripp Lanier and Marc point out, even the term men’s “work” can be a turn off for dudes who have enough “work” in their lives already. More “work” doesn’t exactly sound enticing.

I’m with Marc and Alex. If we really want to help men live lives of meaning, purpose, and fulfillment, we have to get with the program and reach them where they are using language that is current and appealing. With all due respect, dudes simply don’t relate to archetypes such as King, Lover, Magician, Warrior. They don’t read Iron John anymore. The Way of the Superior Man is even becoming outdated. Men need current information and need to know it will genuinely help them live bigger, better lives.

However, even if the message is current and sexy, each man who genuinely wants to improve his life, still faces the canard of judgment. If men want to gather together in 2010 and get real, outside conventional male activities such as the pub, work, and sports, they face being labeled gay, too feminine, naval gazers, or anti-woman.  And, if you want different results in your life as a man and you choose to ask for help, you must make your own personal desire to change a higher priority than what others think of you. Not every man will be up for this.

My response to the onslaught of potential judgment? Who gives a shit. People judge me all the time and they are judging you too. Who cares? Are you really going to let that stop you? I am passionate about my own men’s community and the men’s communities I help create. When men get together in a conscious way, powerful shit happens. It’s not much different than a high-functioning sports team or rock band. When we men gather together we carry the potential of the darkest acts of destruction and the highest, most noble acts of integrity, love, and consciousness.

Obviously I’m inspired to do the latter.

And for the record, I am all about men getting together to raise their individual consciousness and the collective consciousness. As far as what we call it? I think the answer lies in one question we will ponder at the Evolving Men’s Conference in September: “How” will we reach other men and move our collective gender forward in the most fierce, conscious way?

Your thoughts?

Here is the outstanding piece done by Marc. Well worth the read, seriously.

On March 27th, 2010, a group of 25 people (all but 2 being men) gathered in South London to discuss the state of men in the UK, and what could be done to bring more purpose, power and meaning to their lives.

Man Collective was started last November when Alex Linsley, an economics student at Oxford University, wanted to start a men’s group to gather a close-knit community of men to challenge and inspire him to step up the game in his life. Some would say he was unwise to send out an email to the entire Oxford University Network including the question “Do you have balls?” but I found it incredibly bold. Surprisingly enough to Alex, his group earned the attention of Oxford University’s newspaper “Cherwell.” Then within a week it was featured in a national newspaper, The Guardian, and within 24 hours Alex was sat in the BBC studios in Oxford talking on live radio and TV news about what he intended for the group and responding to a barrage of joint feminist and chauvinist attacks. Had anyone ever united the feminists and the chauvinists in the same camp before?

Seeing all this attention brought to Alex over something as “insignificant” as a tiny men’s group, I became highly inspired by the opportunity that lay before us to make a difference for men in the UK. For me, my stars had finally lined up. My own search into all things integral over the last few years told me that this was really a golden opportunity for us to stand for something much greater than a single men’s group. One day, at London’s busiest train station over a cup of coffee, I told Alex that I wanted to see a men’s group in every single university in the UK, and I asked him to help me. Since then, we have tried to see what an organization that could support men would look like, and how groups could be structured so that they would work well. We wanted to go beyond seeing ourselves as “menimists” (a name we have been called by the woman’s magazine Grazia,) and beyond seeing ourselves as a men’s rights group. We did not wish to outsource responsibility for the state of men in the UK to politicians and activists; we wanted to take full responsibility. To put it integrally, we decided we wanted to support the development of the left-hand interior quadrants in the most powerful way we could without making it look like “self help.”

After much discussion about WHY the British press found his group so news-worthy, we decided we wanted to see where “men’s work” was in the UK. Was there anyone out there working solely for men? What did their work look like? More importantly, we wanted to know why they were so difficult to find. We organized The Gathering as a way to accomplish this, and to connect–in many cases for the first time–the many strands that do exist in the UK.

We started The Gathering by giving everyone present an opportunity…read the rest here.

In September of 2010, 25-50 leaders from various men’s organizations around the world will descend upon Boulder Colorado for what will be the first ever collaborative effort to galvanize the current men’s movement and plan a HUGE Men’s Conference in 2011.

Our purpose statement is:

To bring together leaders of various men’s organizations to brainstorm the development of an Evolving Men’s Conference that galvanizes the men’s movement, promotes collaboration among different men’s organizations, and evolves the consciousness of men around the world.

If you are a men’s organization and would like to come, please send an email to: evolvingmensconference@gmail.com. We also have an invite only facebook group where you can see who’s coming.

This is my quick take on the new masculine paradigm that is being born right now. The question is, will you step into it with me? This one is going to take serious balls and a big, wide, open heart. Let’s do it!

I can feel freedom and liberation seeping into my pores! Finally the kind of freedom I have been yearning for.

After watching the video above, watch the one below. This is me right after one of my meltdowns during the Men’s Leadership Training that I was leading recently. Yes, I said “meltdown.” You know, crying, sobbing and drooling on myself in front of 24 other men. It was a huge step in the right direction for me. But not just feeling. Being transparent and open whilst staying in the captain’s seat. I am finding a middle way here and I’m freakin’ pumped about it.

It was a liberating experience.

The world needs more men willing to be completely who they are, completely and utterly authentic and genuine, warts and all. My commitment is to “show you” how to be yourself by leading by example. This means that I continue to reveal more about who I am on this blog.

Be sure to read my previous post on WTF is happening to me for more information. Remember the two key lessons are 1) make mistakes and 2) be transparent and congruent.

I LOVE NOT TRYING TO BE SOMEBODY!!!!

I just finished leading the 2nd weekend of my six month Men’s Leadership Training. Holy shit was it outstanding!!!

I had my mentor David Cates come in and serve us all up around the theme of sexuality. I had about 12 men who assisted me in pulling this off, four were participants from last year’s training. Eight powerful women also came to help us work through some serious masculine feminine dynamics.

The weekend was the pinnacle of my career. It deepened the work I already do with men and opened new doors and possibilities for what is to come! I can hardly wait for next year and may have to do something this fall.

The men explored their edges, blasted through perceived obstacles, got closer as a tribe, and helped me drop my old masculine paradigm-leadership game.

There are two main lessons I learned about myself that I want to share. These are the benchmarks of the new masculine paradigm.

Lesson 1. Make Mistakes

Be willing to make mistakes. Fuck it up. Screw shit up and do it in front of others.

This one was major for me. David opened the door to making serious mistakes. He said something to the effect of “if you don’t learn to make mistakes now, you will never get anywhere.” He encouraged us to drop the masks, the games of pretending we have our shit together, the nonsense about being “on point,” perfect, or even accurate.

It was so releaving to hear this. I didn’t think I needed someone’s permission, but apparently I did. Just knowing it was okay to fuck it up and make mistakes in a safe environment, allowed all of us, staff and participants, to flourish and have even more fun.

And we made many mistakes. I personally lost my wallet for the entire weekend, lost it in front of everyone, left early one night, started late many times, and made many other mistakes, big and small.

How many places in life can we really let go, be ourselves, fuck up royally and still be accepted, welcomed, and loved, even more than we were before?

Lesson 2. Be Transparent and Congruent

The more I share myself, the more others trust me and the closer they feel to me.

As a therapist, I was trained to share very little about myself. Sharing too much of oneself in a therapist role can deter the healing and make for a strange relationship dynamic. While that makes sense in some therapeutic environments, it is less and less relevant to me.

Through Lesson 1, and help with three of my mentors, I decided to get really real and vulnerable in front of my staff and the participants throughout this past weekend. So real that, at one point, the participants held me while I sobbed. I owned up to many insecurities and fears as I looked around at 20 men in the room. I have no problem cyring in front of my family, my men’s circle, and other close friends. But this was edgy shit for me.

The leader-guy letting down his guard? Yup. I seriously thought I was digging my grave. The men were not only open to me opening up in the moment, but they kept saying, I feel closer to you and I trust you more now. WTF? That was a mind-fuck. While I know this to be true when my clients and friends share in this way with me, for some reason, I didn’t think it applied to me or something. Duh.

So, I took big risks and fucked many things up, many times. The result? I had the time of my life. It was the best facilitation experience I have ever had.

I had a profound shift in how I do work with men. As a way to bring in the new masculine paradigm, I will be leading with Lesson 1 and Lesson 2 from now on.

In order to help you experience more satisfaction, ease, light, and love in your life, I have to be willing to show you. That means, sharing my own shit while it’s happening, not after the fact. And, to be congruent—the same guy at home, at work, on my blog, and in the world.

And yes, I will be keeping some of my personal life private. I want to honor my wife and son’s privacy.

Here we go!

Evolution requires the balls to die. As my friend Jeremy likes to say “Everybody wants to be reborn, but not everybody is willing to die.”

I’m learning that if you really want to expand and evolve, you must be willing to let go of what you thought, even what you believed….completely.

Perhaps there is something in you longing to come out and be expressed or claimed? What part of you is stagnant or not congruent with who you are? What will you do about it?

I will be sharing more as the weeks go by about what is emerging. It’s fucking exciting.

Stay tuned brothers….

Next week will mark the half-way point of the Revolutionary Man Leadership Training. Twelve bold men taking serious action toward living more powerful, impactful lives. This is a guest post from one of the participants of the current RMLT 2010. I met Jonathan last fall over the phone when I started coaching him. I asked the tribe of RMLT if someone would like to write about their experience thus far.  As per usual, Jonathan jumped forward and here is what he has to say after 80 days in the six month training.

On a cold, clear Thursday night in January 2010, I walked into a room of men I had never met before.  By Sunday, I was calling these men my brothers.

That isn’t quite the beginning of my story.  Let me back up.

My name is Jonathan Wondrusch.  I’m a 22 year old man living in Kansas City.  I am a storyteller, a world-changer and participant in Jayson’s Revolutionary Man Leadership Training.

I joined RMLT because I want to make a difference in the world.  I wanted to get real; I wanted to stop hiding from my issues.  I was tired of feeling alone. I was afraid of coasting, but even more afraid of completely opening my eyes to my potential.

I desperately wanted to be part of a group of men that make a difference in their own lives, the lives of their friends and family and even the world.

Has RMLT made a difference in any of that?

Fuck yah.

When I started this training, I would never call myself a “man.”

I had no idea what it meant.  I was turned off to the depth of love I could give and receive. I would beat myself up if I wasn’t able to “stay happy.” I felt isolated.

What is different now?

I am a much more conscious man.

I openly express sadness, anger, fear, rage, self-doubt and am completely vulnerable within a group of powerful men.  I am in a tribe of men who are not afraid to be authentic and deal with the real issues in our lives: purpose, love, money, integrity, sex, fear – all the things that were hard to talk about with another man in the past.

I faceplant way more often than I’d like.  I constantly let myself be distracted from sharing my light.

The difference is how I handle falling down: I am able to stand up and keep going, without judging myself.  I beat myself up less for not being perfect.  I am able to love myself for who I am, instead of hating myself for what I can’t do.

RMLT has opened me up to a flood of awareness.  I’ve learned tools for communication and setting boundaries.  I have learned about my nature through journaling, the Enneagram and even some astrology.

This hasn’t been a joyride.  Participating in RMLT is one of the hardest things I have ever done.  Not every moment of RMLT is challenging – most are real, authentic and empowering.  It is one of the hardest things I have ever done because there is no hiding from myself.  Every dark and painful experience that I feel shame or fear around, I am choosing to face.

Keeping my eyes open puts me in touch with my power.  It makes me aware of the light that shines forth and illuminates the world around me.  When I confront my darkness, I am more able to live with love and passion.

I have come to know my truth better.  I recognize it.  In moments of shame and darkness, I can look inward and see what feels true.  When I do, I can move shame into self-loving.  From my truth, I can feel my power and integrity in the actions I take.

RMLT is about learning to be who you are.  It is about giving and receiving love.  It is breathing in through your balls and feeling a deep connection with the world around you.  It is about opening your heart.  It is about living with truth and courage and integrity.  It is about not being afraid to be vulnerable in the presence of other men.  It is about not hiding yourself any more.

Finding my Tribe

The best part of RMLT is the tribe.  These men are real, authentic and powerful.  Finding someone real is difficult in our society; I am real and I am with men who are also real.

This tribe is a place to belong – a group of men committed to their authenticity, courageously facing our edges, supporting each other, while giving honest (as in no bullshit) feedback on how every one of us is showing up.  Being a part of this group means so much to me.  If I had not joined, I would have been committing to the same bullshit that kept me inauthentic, limited and playing on the sidelines of my life.

The first weekend intensive was one of the most profound experiences of my life.  As I write and recall these memories, I am filled to the brim by the emotions of it.

I answered some of the most important questions I have ever asked of myself: Can I give everything for those I love?  Can I give my all when my body tells me there is nothing more to give?  Can I stand in the face of my greatest fear with an open heart?  Knowing the answers to these questions gives me inner strength that I had only imagined before.

Do you know what it looks like when a man gives his all?  When he holds nothing back?  I saw 15 men do it.  I did it.  I saw 15 men give their all until there was nothing left, and then when they thought they were done, they were asked for more.  Do you know how many men crapped out and decided there was nothing left?  Zero.  Not one man decided that they wouldn’t keep giving their all.  That is the caliber of men that I am on this journey with, and the quality of man that I am.

I am avoiding the specifics of the weekend on purpose.  I hope that at least one man out there will read this and be inspired enough to take the risk and participate in RMLT.  I do not want take away from those men’s experience; I do not want to take the risk of his life not being changed because he knew what he was getting into.

What’s next for me?

Honestly, I have no concrete idea.  Every week has different gifts and lessons to learn.  It is not a classroom; it is my life.  I am learning how to live my life on my terms.  I am becoming the man I consciously choose to become.

I’m still working on not being limited by my fears – of not being worthy of love and of not being enough to achieve my dreams.  I am learning to grow through these fears and to embrace my life with an open heart.  I am learning to give and receive love more fully.  I am going to be pushing my boundaries as a man around love, connection, acceptance, awareness, sex, money, potential and what my concept of manhood is.

RMLT is inspiring me and teaching me to live up to that in every area of my life.  RMLT is about living in integrity with my truth, and it is giving everything in service of love to that truth.

When I started this journey, I couldn’t have looked you in the eye and told you that I was a man.  Much has happened since then, and much more will happen in the future.

Whatever happens, this is me looking you in the eye.

I am a man.

Jonathan Wondrusch is not only a participant in RMLT, he writes his own blog http://www.grokkery.com/, is a young visionary, he helped produce this video, and he continues to step into the badass that he is.

Yoga is such a great metaphor when it comes to your personal development.

In a previous post we discussed that by learning to bring an attitude of love to your personal development, you heal, become whole, and ultimately find the freedom and happiness you long for.

Another way to view this love and acceptance stuff is by taking a quick look at yoga.

Yoga looks like a bunch of people stretching. The more you go, the more flexible you become and the tighter your ass/abs, right?

Not so much.

Below that conventional yoga approach is a deeper yoga. As my yoga teacher Matt likes to say, most folks think that yoga is about flexibility. While this is true on one level, the deeper cut as Matt reminds me, is that yoga is the ability to meet resistance (your inflexibility) with acceptance. The more you meet your edge with acceptance, the more the resistance begins to release, and the more “flexible” you become.

Force does not work in yoga. Trust me, I have tried it. When I was “trying hard” and “pushing it” I would consistently throw out my back and I even dislocated my shoulder twice. But one must engage the resistance, the edge, in order to gain the fruits that lie just beyond your resistance, which is more openness, expansion, more flexibility, and ultimately more love.

During a yoga class one can very easily put their attention on their lack. How much flexibility you lack. Each day you come in with an improvement project to get more flexible. You beat yourself up, try harder, and eventually if you are stubborn and stick with it for years, you might actually become incredibly flexible on the outside. Once you reach what that other guy in class is doing you are not necessarily farther along. Because “how” you achieved this is problematic.

You got there through your old habit of pushing and working hard. So, your body learns that to open, relax, accept, and surrender to love and openness, you need to push, try harder, and work harder. So, you did little to become more flexible and open in your “inner” body or mind. You willed your body into compliance through an egoic process and as a result, you will keep getting the same old results out in your life.

This old-school approach is where most men including myself fall victim to the typical masculine belief that:

effort = results

Instead of your habitual trying-to-get-somewhere attitude, practice loving what is, in this moment. Let love, compassion, and acceptance be your attitude and see what happens. Notice what style of “yoga” you live in your life? Are you always trying to force something? Or maybe you want to will your way to success?

Bottom line? The attitude with which we bring to yoga (and our personal development journey) is the key to our freedom. So, instead of the old way, try this one:

love and acceptance + “right” action = results

If you think acceptance is giving up or being weak check out these teachers on acceptance: Tara Brach and Byron Katie.

Stay tuned for yet another post coming up on this tricky paradox of personal development and how focusing on “what’s working” can further increase your results.