Artwork by Bryce Widom

Okay friends. This post is inspired by Matt who listened to my interview on the new man podcast about rites of passage experiences (ROP). I get a lot of emails from men asking me this important question so let’s make this a dialogue.

It is important that I include part of my own journey, specifically the massive rite of passage I find myself in currently. Watch the video which covers a broad overview and some details about my own death/rebirth experience.

Next, tell us about what you have created in terms of a rite of passage for yourself? What has worked for you personally? What was missing?

Then read the basic steps below to begin creating your own ROP.

Here is Matt’s inquiry:

Heard you on the New Man show. What an awesome interview!

Turns out I actually have a rite of passage planned myself for this summer & if you wouldn’t mind guiding me with some of your expertise, I would sure appreciate it!

I’ll be hitch hiking across Canada on $0. My intention is to relate to myself as someone who can survive and even thrive in the world with nothing – and from there, create massive wealth for myself and the world.

Another part of this is I will be living off the kindness & generosity of the world & of others. I get a little weird around receiving & I want to explore what comes up for me around that.

(1) How can I integrate the wisdom passed down through generations on how to create a really powerful rite of passage?

(2) Is there anything i’m missing or things I’ve already incorporated I should make sure not to skip?

First, to understand why I believe men need a rite of passage or an initiation, read this post.

Any good rite of passage has 5 main components

1. The Call. Most men at some point in time feel a longing to go through something hard, to taste danger, death, and the unknown. If you have ever felt that longing, it is what Joseph Campbell describes as “the call to adventure” on the hero’s journey. For evolving men, this call is critical. Many of you have turned away from the call at certain points in your life. Many of you have turned toward the call and stepped into it fully.

If you never felt like there was a call for you personally, you were likely not paying attention.

2. Severance. This is where you must leave the comforts of your own home, community, tribe, and go off on your own. Even in modern day times, you can get away alone into the wilderness, meditate in a retreat cabin for months. However you don’t need to trot off into the wilderness alone like the movie Into the Wild. You can, in my case currently, engage in an urban rite of passage while staying within the framework of your life (family, job, etc). If this is the case, your “severance” will simply look differently.

3. Initiation. The initiation can take many months, many years or just a few hours. What are you being initiated into? There will always be a threshold you have to cross. What is it? What does it represent? Are you going from boy to man? Are you leaving the corporate world to discover who you really are? Whatever the case, you must cross a threshold of some kind in order for your initiation to move forward.

Within the initiation is the fourth component:

4. The ORDEAL. This is the crux of the ROP and where you must face some kind of mortality, death experience only to be reborn anew. This death can be an actual near death experience, or an ego-death, meaning a part of you dies or is let go of.

Be realistic. It is never what you think or want it to be. Even still, set an intention (see below). This is where I am right now in my life. In the middle of a birth canal of some kind.

As my bro Jeremy likes to say, “Everybody wants to be reborn, but not everyone is willing to die.” In other words, I want to the goodies, but I’m not willing to face my demons, my fears, or what might kill me. Any genuine ROP must have have an ordeal, a test, a challenge that really confronts the deepest, darkest aspects of yourself.

Sometimes in life, we don’t choose the ordeal, it chooses us. Such as the death of a loved one or a catastrophe that was out of our hands, or a major crisis of some kind. This then, if you choose to engage it fully, becomes the crucible to a deeper you.

Once on the other side of the ordeal, if you live to tell about it, is finding your way back bringing your gift.

5. The return. This is a critical component and one that many men blow. If you want to impact others by who you now are, you must come back, tell them, and more importantly show them who you are now. You are now different, altered in some way. Your community needs your gifts, your lessons, your new, fresh perspective. You have a gift to give in some way. It is your job to find out what you are bringing back, bring it back, and find out how you need to deliver it.

A few other key points to consider

Determine why you are wanting this. Why now? What is your intention setting out? What is the point? Are you really willing to surrender fully, partially? Get crystal clear on why are you setting out into the unknown.

Then, as my bro Dan Riggan once told me when we led four, back to back, 7-day men’s ROP wilderness trips together, set your intention and let it go. That’s right. Offer it up and be open to whatever experience you get. It will likely be very different than you wanted or expected.

For example, if Matt’s intention is “to relate to myself as someone who can survive and even thrive in the world with nothing – and from there, create massive wealth for myself and the world,” then he needs to consider what “death” needs to happen to step into this. What needs to die in me? What am I willing to let go of and burn forever? He might actually create a ritual within his journey to address this.

Since Matt also wants to explore receiving, more clarity is needed here. What qualifies as receiving? From who? Just because Matt might learn to receive from others on the hitchhiking journey, does that mean he’ll be more able to receive love from his family, lover, and friends? Learning how to receive love is a massive edge for me and most men.

Determine if you want others involved. How so? What is their role? I believe it is essential to have a few “mid-wives” that have gone down the path before you that will have some idea of what you are going through. Someone who can “hold you” through whatever darkness you might encounter.

A mentor is key here. It is also possible to get others on board so they can be doing their ROP concurrently. For example, maybe several men in your men’s group want to do a four day vision fast together. This is good for safety in the wilderness. If, on the other hand, you might want to go-it-alone. If you want to do a year-long journey and travel abroad alone, your set up and support system must be well calculated.

For Matt, who is holding him throughout the process? What kind of spiritual context, framework or undercurrent will assist him?

Determine the structure. Is it tight such as a month-long solo meditation retreat in a cabin? Or is the structure loose and open-ended like Matt’s? Is the wind going to take you or are you in the driver’s seat planning every step? Go after your growth edge. Do what is uncomfortable, new, and fresh for you. But stay away from stupid, irresponsible, impulsive acts.

Use the 5 steps above or look more into Joseph Campbell’s hero’s journey for an outline to your ROP.

The more embodied your journey the better. Being in your body will help you clear blocks, move through karma, and release old emotions. If you are not experiencing pain and great joy, something is likely off. If you don’t feel anything during your experience from tremendous highs to dark lows, then re-evaluate. I know plenty of meditators that just sit there and space out and think they are getting somewhere.

Having a daily practice of some kind, be it meditation, journaling, walking quietly, and other contemplative, body-present-centered practices faciliate a deeper journey.

What about illicit substances? If used consciously and in a ritualistic, respectful way, plant medicine such as peyote or ayahuasca can be massively transformative for truth seekers and courageous men willing to face their demons and their darkness to uncover their light. Plant medicine is only to be done under the guidance of trained shamans and elders who deeply know the power and potential consequences of their use.

Document your ROP. Bring a flip video or journal and keep track on things. Write about it, and share it live or later on. This way, others can learn from your experience.

What about you? Tell us about your ROP. What was it like? If you have never gone through one, what kind of ROP might serve who you are at your stage in life? What in you needs to die right now? What new aspect of yourself is wanting to emerge?

Evolution requires the balls to die. As my friend Jeremy likes to say “Everybody wants to be reborn, but not everybody is willing to die.”

I’m learning that if you really want to expand and evolve, you must be willing to let go of what you thought, even what you believed….completely.

Perhaps there is something in you longing to come out and be expressed or claimed? What part of you is stagnant or not congruent with who you are? What will you do about it?

I will be sharing more as the weeks go by about what is emerging. It’s fucking exciting.

Stay tuned brothers….

Next week will mark the half-way point of the Revolutionary Man Leadership Training. Twelve bold men taking serious action toward living more powerful, impactful lives. This is a guest post from one of the participants of the current RMLT 2010. I met Jonathan last fall over the phone when I started coaching him. I asked the tribe of RMLT if someone would like to write about their experience thus far.  As per usual, Jonathan jumped forward and here is what he has to say after 80 days in the six month training.

On a cold, clear Thursday night in January 2010, I walked into a room of men I had never met before.  By Sunday, I was calling these men my brothers.

That isn’t quite the beginning of my story.  Let me back up.

My name is Jonathan Wondrusch.  I’m a 22 year old man living in Kansas City.  I am a storyteller, a world-changer and participant in Jayson’s Revolutionary Man Leadership Training.

I joined RMLT because I want to make a difference in the world.  I wanted to get real; I wanted to stop hiding from my issues.  I was tired of feeling alone. I was afraid of coasting, but even more afraid of completely opening my eyes to my potential.

I desperately wanted to be part of a group of men that make a difference in their own lives, the lives of their friends and family and even the world.

Has RMLT made a difference in any of that?

Fuck yah.

When I started this training, I would never call myself a “man.”

I had no idea what it meant.  I was turned off to the depth of love I could give and receive. I would beat myself up if I wasn’t able to “stay happy.” I felt isolated.

What is different now?

I am a much more conscious man.

I openly express sadness, anger, fear, rage, self-doubt and am completely vulnerable within a group of powerful men.  I am in a tribe of men who are not afraid to be authentic and deal with the real issues in our lives: purpose, love, money, integrity, sex, fear – all the things that were hard to talk about with another man in the past.

I faceplant way more often than I’d like.  I constantly let myself be distracted from sharing my light.

The difference is how I handle falling down: I am able to stand up and keep going, without judging myself.  I beat myself up less for not being perfect.  I am able to love myself for who I am, instead of hating myself for what I can’t do.

RMLT has opened me up to a flood of awareness.  I’ve learned tools for communication and setting boundaries.  I have learned about my nature through journaling, the Enneagram and even some astrology.

This hasn’t been a joyride.  Participating in RMLT is one of the hardest things I have ever done.  Not every moment of RMLT is challenging – most are real, authentic and empowering.  It is one of the hardest things I have ever done because there is no hiding from myself.  Every dark and painful experience that I feel shame or fear around, I am choosing to face.

Keeping my eyes open puts me in touch with my power.  It makes me aware of the light that shines forth and illuminates the world around me.  When I confront my darkness, I am more able to live with love and passion.

I have come to know my truth better.  I recognize it.  In moments of shame and darkness, I can look inward and see what feels true.  When I do, I can move shame into self-loving.  From my truth, I can feel my power and integrity in the actions I take.

RMLT is about learning to be who you are.  It is about giving and receiving love.  It is breathing in through your balls and feeling a deep connection with the world around you.  It is about opening your heart.  It is about living with truth and courage and integrity.  It is about not being afraid to be vulnerable in the presence of other men.  It is about not hiding yourself any more.

Finding my Tribe

The best part of RMLT is the tribe.  These men are real, authentic and powerful.  Finding someone real is difficult in our society; I am real and I am with men who are also real.

This tribe is a place to belong – a group of men committed to their authenticity, courageously facing our edges, supporting each other, while giving honest (as in no bullshit) feedback on how every one of us is showing up.  Being a part of this group means so much to me.  If I had not joined, I would have been committing to the same bullshit that kept me inauthentic, limited and playing on the sidelines of my life.

The first weekend intensive was one of the most profound experiences of my life.  As I write and recall these memories, I am filled to the brim by the emotions of it.

I answered some of the most important questions I have ever asked of myself: Can I give everything for those I love?  Can I give my all when my body tells me there is nothing more to give?  Can I stand in the face of my greatest fear with an open heart?  Knowing the answers to these questions gives me inner strength that I had only imagined before.

Do you know what it looks like when a man gives his all?  When he holds nothing back?  I saw 15 men do it.  I did it.  I saw 15 men give their all until there was nothing left, and then when they thought they were done, they were asked for more.  Do you know how many men crapped out and decided there was nothing left?  Zero.  Not one man decided that they wouldn’t keep giving their all.  That is the caliber of men that I am on this journey with, and the quality of man that I am.

I am avoiding the specifics of the weekend on purpose.  I hope that at least one man out there will read this and be inspired enough to take the risk and participate in RMLT.  I do not want take away from those men’s experience; I do not want to take the risk of his life not being changed because he knew what he was getting into.

What’s next for me?

Honestly, I have no concrete idea.  Every week has different gifts and lessons to learn.  It is not a classroom; it is my life.  I am learning how to live my life on my terms.  I am becoming the man I consciously choose to become.

I’m still working on not being limited by my fears – of not being worthy of love and of not being enough to achieve my dreams.  I am learning to grow through these fears and to embrace my life with an open heart.  I am learning to give and receive love more fully.  I am going to be pushing my boundaries as a man around love, connection, acceptance, awareness, sex, money, potential and what my concept of manhood is.

RMLT is inspiring me and teaching me to live up to that in every area of my life.  RMLT is about living in integrity with my truth, and it is giving everything in service of love to that truth.

When I started this journey, I couldn’t have looked you in the eye and told you that I was a man.  Much has happened since then, and much more will happen in the future.

Whatever happens, this is me looking you in the eye.

I am a man.

Jonathan Wondrusch is not only a participant in RMLT, he writes his own blog http://www.grokkery.com/, is a young visionary, he helped produce this video, and he continues to step into the badass that he is.

Sometimes it takes balls to start a men’s group and stick with it.

This is an inspiring story of a 20 year old guy in England who just wanted to start a men’s group to explore what it means to be a man. He put up fliers asking “Do you have balls?” to attract men interested in personal development and men’s groups.

Not too long after the fliers were up, he began to receive some intense feedback by women’s groups and other folks.

I don’t think anyone will argue that historically men have wreaked havoc on people, the planet and women. When we men get together, especially if alcohol is involved, we can act like a bunch of childish morons and great harm has been caused by “group think” when groups of men get together from hazing, bullying, crime, gang rape, to extreme violence.

However, as Alex Linsley, founder of the Man Collective, Oxford, reports

“I want to create this forum for men, so men can learn from each other and discuss these issues and make a positive step forward.”

And that is threatening because????

He continues,

“There is so much conflicting information for men. There is massive confusion as to what being a man means, and how to be a good man. Should you be the sensitive all-caring, perhaps the ‘feminized’ man? Or should you be the hard, take no crap from anybody kind of figure?

“Neither of those are particularly useful paradigms. But there’s perhaps things we could learn from both perspectives”.

According to their website, the Man Collective-Oxford believes:

That masculinity should not be a source of shame.  Masculinity should be honed as an alliance between attitudes of purpose and integrity. Men do and should aspire to greatness and that this can be achieved through sharing in the wisdom of great teachers and experiencing the support and challenge other men can offer.

The intention of MC-O is to bring together men on this basis to drag, persuade and inspire each other to become the best versions of themselves in an atmosphere of  respect, support and integrity.

Sounds pretty awesome to me!!!

Listen to Alex get interviewed by my bro Tripp Lanier on the New Man Podcast here.

If you live in the UK, get in touch with 27 year old Marc Quinn and 20 year old Alex Linsley if you want to step up your game and be held accountable by other courageous, soulful men wanting to explore what it means to be a man in 2010. Here’s the link to their gathering this coming weekend.

http://www.mancollective.co.uk/home/gathering/

And if you don’t live in the UK but find yourselves making excuses about why you have yet to start of find a good men’s group, sac up, take a note from these two guys and get in the game!

______________________________________________

Here are other related links if you want to dive into the whole story:

http://www.guardian.co.uk/commentisfree/2009/nov/25/mens-group-feminist-student-union

http://www.guardian.co.uk/education/2009/nov/23/men-students-support-groups-universities

He has also been on BBC TV News but the sound is a bit dodgy:

It’s not everyday that you can make a big decision like this to move your life forward and help others at the same time. Believe it or not, you are needed.

Please do everyone a favor and take a small step forward today toward your dreams and help a brother while doing so. Life might start to take on a whole new meaning!

If there was a car accident and you were the first one the scene, chances are you would respond and immediately lend yourself to the situation. Right? Most men would step up and serve in that moment without question, without hesitation.

How is it that some guys can really step up when it matters most, but in the day to day routine of life hold back so much? What will it take for you to “respond” to the call of your life?

What mistakes have you made that have you in a career that is luke warm? What are you doing about it?

If you still reading, you are at least aware that there is a problem. If you read my blog, you know there’s more out there.

Some of you are in the initial phase of career change. Some of you are just realizing there is a problem. And others of you are well along the path, having already taken some big risks toward the future, your life purpose, and what you want.

In this culture, work matters. Even though it is only what you do, for many men it becomes your identity. And, if you don’t like your work, that has a big impact on who you are as a man and how you are showing up in the world.

If you’re anything like me, a man’s road of career development is frustrating, challenging and relentless. It’s what I wake up in the morning every day having to face.

Let’s look at the top 3 reasons you, and men like you, play it safe, hate their job and continue to hold back from what’s possible.

REASON NUMBER 1-  You Let Someone Else be the Leader.

You got on the wrong train and became a follower.  You did what you were supposed to do or needed to do, rather than what you wanted to do.

Before we dive further into this point, it is important to understand the rationale men use in their career development and what kinds of men they are. From my experience, unhappy career men are divided into four categories:

Man A. The Hamster

Somewhere along his life path, often in his 20’s, a man lands a good paying job with the potential for career advancement. Without doing a serious inquiry and innocently enough, he takes the job and then the years go by.

This man likes stability and stays in that job until he retires. This type of man was more common in my father’s generation. This man gets on the hamster wheel early and for some dog-gone reason, stays on the damn wheel.

Man B. The strategist

This guy will do some serious searching early in his career and may change jobs several times in his 20’s and even in to his 30’s until he settles with a firm or a company. He may go to grad school to pursue an MBA, to further his skills and to make more cash.

This guy stays with a job for no more than 2 years before moving on to a better job—better pay, benefits, office views, and titles with more clout and credibility.  In this case he is looking for “career advancement” and so he develops a skill set or two he is good at and finds work that supports that advancement.

Men tell me that at this stage they are climbing the corporate latter. Other men in this category have told me that they seek more challenging positions so they can continue to grow as a leader within the workplace.

Man C—The Family Man.

Family men tell me that they had to get a serious job to support the family, the mortgage, and the other responsibilities that come along with “growing up” and being an adult.

As his family grows, so does his need for more money to afford more things the family needs—a bigger house, another car, more money for schooling, more mouths to feed etc.  The upgrades often continue, as does the necessary salary to support it.

Man D—The wanderer

This unique guy attempts to find work that feeds him. This man takes some bold risks and is pretty adventurous. This guy is wandering, unclear of what to do and only takes jobs to support his lifestyle. He is pretty ambivalent about work and money, but knows there is more to life than work.

This guy often takes a low paying job supposedly “doing what he loves” but ends up doing it for a long time which leads to him feeling “stuck.”

These guys often work in the restaurant business, ski industry, retail clothing and other “service industry” related  jobs. This guy may be rebelling against what man A-C do, but is equally unhappy. (This was me).

Some men like their work, good for them

Now, to be fair, all of these types of men have the potential to be fulfilled with their work and plenty of these men are happy, fulfilled and excited about the work they do and the situation they are in. Good for them. We are not talking about them, however. We’re talking about you.

It begins to make sense why men choose career paths that they do. Which man out of the four are you? What do all of these men have in common?

Did you do what you were “supposed to do” or needed to do?  Did you stop looking for what really inspired you and so you settled? Perhaps while at the station, you just got on the career building train and found it hard to exit.

The most common theme between these men is that they let external stressors such as starting a family, debt from student loans or credit cards, a mortgage, and other peoples expectations, drive their behavior. This is known as having “external motivation” as opposed to intrinsic (or internal) motivation. And this kind of thinking is understandable.

As you know, once you are on the train and the further from the station you travel, the harder and harder it becomes to get off the train. You followed the crowd and they were on the train too!

The longer and further from the station, the more you will override that tiny voice that knows it could be different. Most men have that voice. How loud that voice is depends on the man.

Commonly, instead of directing your energy to finding your life’s work, you put that life force into career development and management, even though you don’t absolutely love your job.

You may compare yourself to your peers and end up competing against them. Some men even quietly compete against their fathers as if to prove something.

Instead of seeking for and fighting for what truly gets you up in the morning, you put that same energy into goals within a job that doesn’t fulfill you.

So, mistake number one is that for whatever reason, you became a follower.

You chose to follow instead of lead.

REASON NUMBER 2- INACTION–You didn’t know what you want to do, you still don’t know what your calling in life is and you’re doing nothing about it.

The second biggest mistake a man makes is that he collapses in the face of “not knowing” and then does not take action to “right” the situation. In other words, he has a difficult time hanging in there with the agonizing process of discovering his true purpose.

He did not engage thoroughly in the self-inquiry that is required to know what his life’s work is.  Contrary to popular belief, it is possible to love your work, fight for it and even die for it.

We are all here to do a specific task. A task that only you can do. We each have a mission to serve on the planet. However, “I don’t know what I want to do” becomes a card a man will carry around to avoid the discomfort of the unknown.

The issue is not the unknown however, it is a your relationship to it. This is a fine point that may need review. Re-read that last sentence. Your relationship to the unknown is the problem, not the unknown itself. And, here is where you need to realize that your inaction has a big price (see reason 3).

Think about it. When you were 18-22, how many guys did you know that knew without a doubt what they wanted to do with their life? How many guys did you really trust when they said they knew?

The truth is that very few men actually know what their life’s work is by the start of college and even fewer are clear after college, (although it may look like they are clear from the outside and many want you to believe that they are clear).

So, if you don’t know what you’re supposed to do, then what do you do? As we talked about, you have a couple of choices. One is to collapse into the pressures around you and become a follower. Or, you do the intense work to find out what your mission is.

Some of you might be a leader within your organization, but you’re also a follower of someone else’s vision. You compete with other men to get a better, higher paying job, maybe with status or rewards such as a big paycheck.

You don’t want to lose the race up the corporate mountain. In that world, the later you start, the less leadership opportunities there are, the less you get paid, the less chance for advancement, etc. So, it makes sense why you just found a “good job.”

At the same time, it also makes sense why so many of you are simply not satisfied or fulfilled with the work you do.

Do any of these statements sound familiar?

• “It’s not really what I want to do, but it pays the bills.”
• “it’s a respected company.”
• “It’s not really my ideal job, but the benefits are good,”
• “hey, working for the man pays the bills.”
• “I don’t have time to find work I’m happy about.”
• “yeah, wait till you have a family and then let’s talk about your ideal job.”
• “yeah, I have a lot of freedom and I can make my own schedule.”

This kind of attitude is great if you want to play it safe. But imagine you’re on a sports team and this kind of attitude is up to bat. Are you an asset or a liability to the team?

It is unlikely that you will be a game changer in this scenario. However, if you have felt this way about some aspect of your life, like your career, there’s still time for a course correction.

After a while, this not knowing becomes a comfortable place to be and a great reason stop looking around. I say this sarcastically of course. Behind the scenes, men are in a lot of pain if they have a lame job.

Most men hate the unknown. Men like to be in control. But ask yourself, would you rather be in control and somewhat comfortable in a routine, predicting your schedule and not having to do a lot of guess work?

Or, would you rather find meaningful work wherein everyday you woke up stoked about the day? Excited for the challenge that you must tackle in front of you?

Some men even tell themselves, “we’ll I’m not really the adventurous type.” Pretty soon, this is part of a false identity that they begin to believe (Story, story, story).  Now, think back to when you were a kid, did you do the same thing day in and day out?

Did you play it safe? Or, were you seeing the world as a big adventure with limitless possibilities? Did you play games and always change the rules and make stuff up?

Chances are you were like most kids and you did a lot of exploring and experimenting, even as a teenager. So, what happened to silence that adventurous spirit in you? What made you stop exploring?

Second Mistake: You don’t know what to do and you’re frozen in not knowing.As a result, your lack of action is having a big impact on those who need your help.

REASON NUMBER 3- FEAR– Fear is at the root of your inaction

Fear is likely at the underbelly of such justifications as, “I don’t really know what I want to do for work” or “It’s a well-paid, stable job.” Try it on that fear drives much of your behavior.

Even “fearless” men have fear. It’s just that they don’t collapse around it. These bold men go into it, right into the center. Many men have a fear of success or a fear of failure. What about you?

Read any leadership book and they’ll talk about fear of failure or fear of success. Try saying these statements out loud and see which one fits:

• “I am afraid to fail”
• “I don’t want to look bad in my circle of friends”
• “I don’t want to be seen as incompetent”
• “I don’t know if I can do it.”
• “I’m afraid what I have to offer is not valuable.”
• “I have better things to do with my time”
• “What if ______________(your idea) doesn’t work?”
• “What if I don’t make any money?”
• “What if I’m not good at it?”
• “What if others judge me?”

The one thing in common in the above questions? FEAR! Fear, fear, fear. How much is fear running your life? Who cares if I fail? So what? What is the worst possible thing that could happen if you really followed your own truth?

A few pointers.

First, ask yourself these three questions:

1. What would I be doing if I knew I couldn’t fail?
2. What would I do if I was not afraid?
   
3. If I had to charge into battle in 5 minutes, what noble cause would I stand up and fight for right now? Who/What would I die for in this battle?

Chances are what you would be doing in these scenarios is different from what you are currently doing. If this is true, many men will immediately list the reasons why they are not doing what they really want to be doing. That’s fine, do that.

Next, take out a piece of paper and list all the reasons why following your own truth, your own mission wouldn’t work.

List them, seriously.

Following my truth just wouldn’t work right now in my life because:

Your reasons are good ones, I’m sure very valid. But let’s you and I recognize that when you rationalize, chances are that you are in fear. Try it on. Just try saying it out loud right now, “The reason I’m not fulfilling my true mission in life is because I’m scared.” What was that like? Is it true?

If it is true that you are scared to find and follow your own deep vision, what is it going to take for you lean in to your fear? What will it take for you to be able to relate to your fear and even learn something from it?

What is the worst that could happen if you put “finding my mission” at the top of your ‘to do’ list. What would it take from quietly being run by fear, to engaging in your life in a deeper way?

THE COST OF YOUR INACTION

When we don’t act there is always a price. Think for a minute about the price tag for you not finding and not living your true mission. What is it? Perhaps there is a cost to your family or friends. Maybe the cost is that those with whom you are here to serve miss out on your greatest gift? Maybe the big cost is that you feel like you are lying to yourself and that hurts.

Men who lack a sense of inner peace and feel  “out of sorts” deep inside regarding their calling must realize that this nagging feeling will never go away until you face it.

From my own experience, men that are not living their true purpose in life are simply less potent and less effective leaders. If you have a son or daughter, think about what you are indirectly teaching them by playing it safe.

Oliver Wendell Holmes said,

“Most of us go to our grave with our music still inside of us.” Is this going to be you?

So, the ball is in your court. Remember my car accident example in the first paragraph? Pretend a crisis is happening right now. If you can’t find a personal crisis, think about the global economic crisis. One if five men are out of work right now.  Pretend that you are needed.  Imagine that there are a lot of people that need you, your help. Will you collapse and run from the scene? What are you going to do to step up and serve?

Specifically, what next action step are you going to take toward discovering and living your life’s purpose? If you already know what your purpose is and are not living it, what steps will you take to get on it?

Write down 5 action steps you will take right now to begin this process and put time deadlines on each.

ACTION STEP                                                                                    DEADLINE

1.

2.

3.

4.

5.

So, NOW WHAT?

Good question. That depends on how deep your longing is, how serious you are about making changes, and what kind of man you want to be.

And, read these similar posts:

Know what you want.

Change that Sticks

Finding your Life’s Purpose

We just concluded the first weekend of the Revolutionary Man Leadership Training. Wow, what a ride. And, it’s only the beginning. Remember, these men, now a tribe, will be “in the soup” together for six months! Two more weekends in Boulder and a lot of time processing and expanding in-between.

I personally had an amazing time. I laughed, I cried, I raged, danced, screamed, connected, listened, facilitated, and led. Together, we rocked it and fearlessly explored unknown territory.

Thirteen brave, badass participants and 11 staff (and guest staff!) all helped to create this very, very powerful experience. We went inward this first weekend. We dug deep into the first pillar of revolutionary manhood—self-knowledge.

For six months this circle of men will challenge each other, help each other gain clarity, give no bullshit feedback, hold one another accountable, and support one another.

These men now have each other’s back. Do you have a group of men like this in your life? If not, what are you going to do about it?

Notice as you watch these testimonials what happens for you.

Check ‘em out.

Ask yourself what are you doing to expand in 2010? What kind of accountability and support do you have?

The book I've had since 2003

Ever heard of the punk band “Kill Your Idols?” I love their name.  To me it speaks to how we need to differentiate from our teachers otherwise our view of them can become an impediment, or an obstacle that gets in the way of our own waking up process.

This concept or “teaching” is not new. There is even a website called Kill the Buddha after a well known Zen saying. This site sums up the concept here:

The idea of “killing the Buddha” comes from a famous Zen line, the context of which is easy to imagine: After years on his cushion, a monk has what he believes is a breakthrough: a glimpse of nirvana, the Buddhamind, the big pay-off. Reporting the experience to his master, however, he is informed that what has happened is par for the course, nothing special, maybe even damaging to his pursuit. And then the master gives the student dismaying advice: If you meet the Buddha, he says, kill him.

Why kill the Buddha? Because the Buddha you meet is not the true Buddha, but an expression of your longing. If this Buddha is not killed he will only stand in your way.

So, it is with mixed emotions, some fear, and some excitement that I share an important download I recently received.

Evolving men everywhere refer to the book Way of the Superior Man as the guidepost–a great read for any man wanting to step up his game. It was for me.

Originally I was disturbed by the arrogant title and I put off reading for over a year. Then, it kept getting mentioned so I acquiesced, bought it, and have referred to it for years.

I even joined a “Deida-style” men’s group based around the book. I recommended the book to dozens of men. I even attended his 5-day sexuality and spirituality intensive with David in New York. It rocked my world.

So, for the past six years David Deida’s book Way of the Superior Man has been a real authority for me on men, the masculine, and men/women dynamics. That is, until now.

It’s time for me to bury the book and declare this:

I am done with Way of the Superior Man. I milked this sucker for years and gleaned a lot. The teachings that resonate for me are in me now and I walk forward with them in my own way.

And now, I am burying the book and writing my own. A new men’s personal evolution book is long overdue. So, out with the old and in with the new. Stay tuned for it in 2010.

Thank you Way Of The Superior Man for your wisdom, love, truth, penetration, and insight. And thank you David Deida for writing a revolutionary book that continues to impact thousands of men everywhere. You taught me a great deal. I lay you to rest and bid you many blessings.

With love and respect,

Jayson

p.s. Watch my book burying ritual here.

Am I recommending this approach? Only if you continue to put people or books “above you” and your own inner authority after you have thoroughly digested and integrated their system or teachings.

In the beginning, when we meet an important teacher or mentor, or read a powerful book, it is appropriate to “look up to,” aspire, and consume the material deeply as any devoted student might.

But a lot of folks just don’t move on. They continue to have a bit of “hero worship” thus disempowering their own journey. So long as you do this, it is unlikely you’ll be able to step into who you need to become.

At a certain point, you need to flap your own wings and fly.

As always, seek out mentors, teachers and things that inspire you. Then, think for yourself, and trust your own inner authority.

In my last post we explored the concept of selfishness as it pertains to personal growth. To take the conversation a step further, we have to talk about service. Why? Because if you really want to talk about not being selfish, then a conversation about being self-less needs to happen.

But what is selflessness? What does that really mean? And how do I know when I am being selfish versus selfless?

I’m here to assert that by being “selfish” you can be genuinely selfless.

Selflessness, or serving and helping others, is one of the core pillars of being a revolutionary man. To live is to serve. If you want to be the kind of man leaves his mark, consider making service a central part of who you are and how you spend your time.

Conventional Service & Service Materialism

How is it that service is so often taught as “scratch my back and I’ll scratch yours?” In our modern, western culture, service seems to be fairly conditional. I’ll help you, but I expect something in return. I’ll give you my $20 million, but I want the stadium named after me.

Not only that, but service in many circles overtly excludes and discriminates against people. WTF?

For example, some religions teach that if you serve “correctly” and according to God’s will, going to heaven one day will be your reward. So rather than serve because it genuinely comes through me, I serve so that I can get the carrot– heaven.

Some groups will even teach their followers to only help certain groups of people while discriminating against others (people of color, gays, women). Hmmm. Seems fishy to me.

These examples are what I call service materialism—serving in hopes of material reward and discrimination cloaked in the name of service. Essentially, service materialism is when you use service as a way to confirm yourself or get what you want for your own benefit.

Idiot Compassion

Another term for this kind of behavior is “idiot compassion.” In a conventional sense, acting selfless gives you accolades and confirmation from friends, coworkers and colleagues. But remember, acting selfless doesn’t mean that you are selfless. Tibetan Buddhist master Chogyam Trungpa Rinpoche called acting nice and kind “idiot compassion.”

Rinpoche defined Idiot compassion as “a slimy way of trying to fulfill your desire secretly.” Or as the karmayogini journal states, “It is when you give people what they want as opposed to what they need, all in the name of being nice and compassionate [so that you can feel better yourself].”

Idiot compassion then, has serious strings attached and is all about the givers own neurotic needs and desires.

However, for some of us, idiot compassion is the doorway to true compassion. I remember in my college fraternity we would do a philanthropy just to get the University, neighbors, and national office off our backs. But once we actually got in there and rolled up our sleeves with the elementary school kids, my heart would melt and I would have a blast genuinely serving the kids.

Genuine Service & True Compassion

Genuine service on the other hand, comes from your heart and there is no need to get anything in return, such as tithing, a trophy with your name on it, a back rub, or even a thank you. However, the irony is when we serve from an open, extended heart, we naturally get something in return.

Service is when I wake up in the middle of the night, five nights in a row, to hold or comfort my upset child. It just comes out of me. And I don’t need my wife, my son, or anyone to say “good job” or “hey thanks!”

Or, you might help a stranger with a dead battery jump their car without thinking about it or expecting anything. It’s just what you do.

True compassion doesn’t have preferences such as “I’ll help this person over here, but not over there.”  Service coming from true compassion transcends social, political or religious values and extends way beyond superficial or socio-economic barriers.

I’m painting the ideal, because in reality, we are all fairly preferential in the way we serve. For example, I can’t tell you how many times, I drove on by a stranded person with a broken down car as I sped past at 75 miles/hr, unwilling to stop because “I had to get somewhere.”

People often associate compassion with being nice or kind. Being nice doesn’t really go far enough if we look at true compassion. On the other hand, true compassion is responding to a situation once you have seen things as they are.  According to Rinpoche, “Love or compassion is the open path, is associated with ‘what is.’ In order to develop love–universal love, cosmic love, whatever you would like to call it–one must accept the whole situation of life as it is, both the light and the dark, the good and the bad.”

For me, that sums it up and when I can drop my agendas, be in the moment and respond from my heart, I know that I am serving from a genuine place.

Remember to consider making service a core pillar in your own life. The world needs more, conscious, bad ass, compassionate men out there. What if your life purpose was all about service to others?

Try making a commitment to living a life of service and see what you learn along the way.

For example,

I commit to living a life of service. I will value the people around me and cultivate both the intention and capacity to help them in ways that matter to them. I seek to understand idiot compassion versus true compassion.

Bottom line? The more you can attend to yourself, the more love and compassion you will have to serve.