This is my quick take on the new masculine paradigm that is being born right now. The question is, will you step into it with me? This one is going to take serious balls and a big, wide, open heart. Let’s do it!

I can feel freedom and liberation seeping into my pores! Finally the kind of freedom I have been yearning for.

After watching the video above, watch the one below. This is me right after one of my meltdowns during the Men’s Leadership Training that I was leading recently. Yes, I said “meltdown.” You know, crying, sobbing and drooling on myself in front of 24 other men. It was a huge step in the right direction for me. But not just feeling. Being transparent and open whilst staying in the captain’s seat. I am finding a middle way here and I’m freakin’ pumped about it.

It was a liberating experience.

The world needs more men willing to be completely who they are, completely and utterly authentic and genuine, warts and all. My commitment is to “show you” how to be yourself by leading by example. This means that I continue to reveal more about who I am on this blog.

Be sure to read my previous post on WTF is happening to me for more information. Remember the two key lessons are 1) make mistakes and 2) be transparent and congruent.

I LOVE NOT TRYING TO BE SOMEBODY!!!!

Art by Paul Kagan

I was tagged in a note recently by a new Facebook friend, Jennifer. The topic intrigued me as I have been exploring a lot around sexuality lately. Of course, I have not mentioned sex much to my blog readers, thus buying into more secrecy, shame, and “it’s personal” crap.  Jennifer, through the below note, and without knowing it, lovingly called me out and invited me to share more on the topic of sex and sexuality. So stay tuned…

I am still very much in process around sex and sexuality. The “old me” believed you teach something when you have it mastered, not when you are immersed in the learning process yourself (I know, more crap, nice story).

The timing could not be more perfect as I have been working with a sexual healer to deepen my sexuality with myself and my wife. I hired the same man to come to my leadership training this weekend to serve my brothers in the training. I’ll be sharing more personally soon.  So, THANK YOU Jennifer! Your note will be the first sexuality post of many to come.

One more thing: I’m with Jennifer–Let’s lift the veil and start to heal and reclaim our sexuality and our sexual power by talking openly about it with one another.  It is time.

Here’s Jennifer:

Hello Friends (some new and some old)

This is a blog post I just wrote and I am debating actually posting it, but I am inspired to share it with all of you… some of you I don’t know and have not really conversed with, however, I value what it is that you are doing on this planet and wanted to include you in this conversation…

thank you for taking the time to read this post pertaining to human sexuality!

The following is the blog post…

This is up for me right now… so I want to talk about it. I am usually talking about birth and motherhood, and yet, what I really want to talk about is sex!

I am a mother of three children, in a partnership of 12 years (constantly evolving and stretching the boundaries of the meaning of relationships – another blog), and I am a sexual human who has been terrified to fully claim this power.

However, I know that by choosing to keep my sexual energy at bay, locked away because of shame and lack of trust, that I am missing out on the pulse of the lifeforce – the ecstasy that is constantly available and flowing and uniting, at all times.

Lately I have been known to say that everything is sexual, sacred, and sensual. The three S’s… A stimulating conversation, a tantalizing diner with friends, a powerful yoga session, a good fuck, a bubble bath, the trance of dance, listening to music, being touched and touching, breast feeding, giving birth, writing, you name it, it is sexual.

Ahhh, what a crazy notion that when you are present in the moment of life, when you are merging with all that is, when you are love and loving, and when you are in connection – you are experiencing your sexual life force, you are One.

So tell me, since many are ashamed of this energy, this sensation, this pulse and since we have been shamed, wounded, and now guarded, how are we supposed to heal ourselves, others, and the planet? (women’s shame is different than men’s shame – but shame there is)

Does it not make sense that we have a fucked up culture because we are terrified of claiming this natural essence, we lack trust in ourselves and others, and we are wrong or bad for actually being ecstatic with life and in the presence of others.

When we do this, we turn our sexual nature into our shadow self and it sneaks out the back door and we all know what that looks like? I am pissed off at our current cultural trends of trying to make everything sexy – just look at media – and yet, we send the message out to the young and old, that you are not allowed nor encouraged to act on those urges!

Ok, here is a thought… We can’t heal the earth if we can’t even treat our own earthly bodies with love and respect. If we can’t honor the sexuality and sensuality of our own body and if we are ashamed of it, than of course we are going to continue to rape the great Mother Earth, of course we are not going to allow ourselves to feel the eros of the planet – the love force.

If we did, what do you think would happen? Well we might actually make different choices, we would treat the Mother Earth like our Lover – with deep respect, regard, affection, attention, care, and Love. What a concept!

But then again, what do I know. I am only tapping into this great force, this need to respect and honor this brilliant energy that provides the Self and the Cosmos and the Other with great pleasure. Deconstructing years of cultural imprinting that states, be sexual and sexy but don’t LIKE IT. Especially as a mother, a wife, a partner, a lover etc. And if you do like it and want to tap into that energy well, it is dark, dangerous, scary, and dirty. Time to lift the veil and start reclaiming ourselves as a whole sexual expression of a human that we are. With that comes great honor and responsibility to use this power wisely.

I believe that if we are taught to honor this sexual life force, we will honor the other. In honor we cannot wound. We cannot misuse. When we are taught to use this power wisely and with consciousness, we seek different choices.

We see ecstasy, instead of pain. We see love and nurture instead of disrespect and abuse. We see healing instead of wounding. We see passion and creativity and change, instead of depression, lack of empathy, and lethargy. We see a dance, a human dance, that embraces the essence of life in gratitude to experience what it truly means to be Human.

And so it is…

Thank you for listening, I would love to hear your thoughts…

Jennifer

Jennifer Summerfeldt, a mother of three, has been immersed in the studies of holistic health, pregnancy, birth, & midwifery, for the past decade. She has a strong motivation to understand the mystical and spiritual nature of life.  She is a certified Doula with a diploma in Holistic Nutrition and a degree in Physical Activity & Sport Studies. She has interned in birth centres both in Mexico & Texas.  She has been involved in a  five year spiritual mentorship with her teacher Whapio Diane Bartlett. Along this path, Jennifer has taken a great interest in holding space for individuals and groups to go deep, drop the ego, and be vulnerable with one another… when this happens, transformation occurs.  She is interested in a variety of subjects including: Human sexuality, Divine Masculine & Feminine, Group Council & Circle work, Integral Living, Human Potential, and of course Birth (of life and of one’s soul). To learn more about Jennifer’s path click on the following link: http://www.holdthepromise.com/about.php , and she can be contacted at  holdthepromise@gmail.com

BLOG: www.womenfreebirth.wordpress.com
GROUP DYNAMICS: www.holdthepromise.com
BIRTH SERVICES: www.earthmotherbirth.org
CLASSES: www.onlinechildbirthclasses.org

photo courtesy of creative commons flickr

Most men suck at conflict.

To me, the hallmark of a healthy, solid relationship is the willingness and ability to go into conflict, sit in the fire, and deal.

Here are a few basic points about men and conflict, then onto the process of working through it.

First, admit you are afraid

Most guys claim to be fearless and spend a lot of energy acting fearless about most things. But those same men are often single, unhappy, and terrified of relationship strife with loved ones.  As I wrote in my rage post, men commonly respond to conflict either by blowing up, care-taking, or shutting down.

If you want to learn the art of conflict, first admit that you are scared of it. Go ahead and say it out loud. “I feel scared of upsetting _______.” Then you can learn to have the balls to tell the truth and be more fearless when it comes to conflict.

Commit to learning how to do conflict

If you want profound love, and to be a solid leader or community member, learning the art of relationship, specifically how to work through conflict, must be a central focal point of your development as a man. Go there.

Remember that conflict is hardest with the people closest to us

Because of what is at stake, we are challenged most by family, intimate partners, and very close friends. Conflict can be easy with strangers where there is no personal injury at stake. It’s easy to tell a stranger off. Much harder to tell a loved one a painful truth that may upset them.

Learn how to fight with your intimate partner

I knew nothing about conflict until I met my wife. Thankfully, we learned together. At times it was ugly and dark. I felt so incredibly uncomfortable at times and I often wanted to hit the eject button and run away. Ouch.

Since my parents hid their conflict from us kids, I learned that a “healthy relationship” meant no fighting. That teaching is and was bullshit.

Every single short term relationship I had prior to meeting my wife, I would say “yeah, our relationship is great, we never fight,” thinking how my parents taught me well. Little did I know I was keeping the relationship stuck on superficial grounds with the unwritten rule to “not go there.” Deep down, I was terrified of ruffling feathers in all my relationships so I would withhold the truth, tell white lies, care-take, and do anything in my power to avoid tension. The irony was that I was already feeling a lot of tension inside myself. Bottom line? I was afraid of conflict.

My wife and I have had some pretty intense fights and I imagine there will be more.  I have learned that healthy fighting is good for a relationship. It’s fertilizer. We now burn through conflict and relationship challenges within hours.



Practice conflict by telling the truth in safe places such as your men’s circle

Men’s groups are a great place to flounder your way through conflict.  In my own men’s circle, we fumbled our way through conflict that was so intense one man left the group for a while. It took us many years to arrive where we are today, able to deal with, and resolve, conflict.

Enlist another man to role play the person you are in conflict with. Practice, practice, practice speaking your truth and say yes to whatever the outcome is.

Give yourself permission to fuck it up and trust that with help, you can come back and clean it up

Early on, you will blow it and make mistakes. No problem. You can always clean up your mess later after you think, journal, reflect and get feedback from non-biased friends and mentors.

Conflict ain’t pretty. It often hurts and brings up the most uncomfortable feelings ever. Say yes to those feelings.

At the root of any conflict avoidance is your unwillingness to feel pain

Did I already mention being a YES to feeling your discomfort?

You must be willing to feel your feelings fully to move through it and become okay with it. Sorry. There are no bypass roads when it comes to conflict.

Most people hide behind “I don’t want to upset the other person.” When in fact, you don’t want to deal with what you have to feel if you see the other person upset.

The more you avoid conflict, the bigger the shitpile gets

If you “hold on,” avoid, shut down, sleep on it and never come back to it, or just brush stuff under the carpet, your shitpile will crack. It will build until that day when your damn of resentments explodes. Sadly, this often causes way more pain and harm than had you told the truth from the beginning.

Finally…

Very few of us have been taught how to do conflict or how to resolve conflict successfully. Give yourself permission to learn and go slow. Bite off small chunks at first and start with people who you trust will not disown you even if it comes out sloppy.

The middle way is to stay present to the whole range of emotion that arises within you and to speak your truth with a open (o even shaky) heart.

If you can learn relationship conflict, you are that much more adaptable, flexible, agile as a man. Your relationships will not only last longer, they will deepen and strengthen.

Okay fine, but HOW?

Here is a great, simple tool for working through conflict.

It’s called the couples dialogue and is a common tool used by imago relationship therapists. It is also used by everyday folks as a way to move through little and big tension between two people. This process can even be used to tell someone how much you love or care about them.

Be sure to really read the full approach here.

Follow these basic guidelines:

1. Find a witness to help the two of you move through this process.
2. Create a safe space to work through it that you both agree upon.
3. Review the 3-step process by Hendrix and Hunt–Mirror, Validate, Empathize here.
4. Move through the 3-step process (below) with one of you as the “sender” and the other person as the “receiver.” See process below.
5. Switch.
6. Now make a request if you have one.
7. Always remain open to hiring a professional help you work through conflict. Sometimes it feels too big for us on our own.
8. Commit to going all the way with this. Don’t blow off your needs or the other person’s needs unless you have an explicit boundary and you are clear you will not budge.
9. If the other person refuses, you can still clean things up on your end by working with a coach, therapist or friend that can help you speak your truth and move through your part. Your part is the only part you have control over anyway.

This is a condensed version in blue that my friend Jeremy (who has trained with the founders) put together for our men’s group.

SENDER

I would like to dialogue about . . .

Is this a good time?

Then, if the receiver says yes, proceed  If not get a commitment for a specific time and place to do the dialogue.

I feel . . .

When you did this, I felt …

RECEIVER

1.  Mirroring

So, if I got that right, you feel …

Did I get that right?

2. Validation

That makes sense.

Is there more?

Then, after a few rounds, offer a “summary” mirror:

Let me see if I got all that.  If I got all that right, when I did ____, you felt ____.

Did I get all that right?

If the sender says yes, then move to step 3.

3. Empathy

I imagine that must feel really bad, or painful, or scary, or ____.

NEW AGREEMENT

After the process is complete, if desired, the sender can ask for an agreement for the future, to create more safety and trust and deepen the relationship.  The receiver does not have to agree to the sender’s request, but must offer a counterproposal.  If needed, the two can agree to work out a final, new agreement at a specific time in the future.  This ensures that something concrete and specific emerges from the dialogue.

Despite what folks think, you don’t have to take your resentments to your grave. You can do conflict and you can learn to successfully navigate your part in the conflict. And, the more you do this, the greater mastery you will have in all or your relationships.

Sometimes it takes balls to start a men’s group and stick with it.

This is an inspiring story of a 20 year old guy in England who just wanted to start a men’s group to explore what it means to be a man. He put up fliers asking “Do you have balls?” to attract men interested in personal development and men’s groups.

Not too long after the fliers were up, he began to receive some intense feedback by women’s groups and other folks.

I don’t think anyone will argue that historically men have wreaked havoc on people, the planet and women. When we men get together, especially if alcohol is involved, we can act like a bunch of childish morons and great harm has been caused by “group think” when groups of men get together from hazing, bullying, crime, gang rape, to extreme violence.

However, as Alex Linsley, founder of the Man Collective, Oxford, reports

“I want to create this forum for men, so men can learn from each other and discuss these issues and make a positive step forward.”

And that is threatening because????

He continues,

“There is so much conflicting information for men. There is massive confusion as to what being a man means, and how to be a good man. Should you be the sensitive all-caring, perhaps the ‘feminized’ man? Or should you be the hard, take no crap from anybody kind of figure?

“Neither of those are particularly useful paradigms. But there’s perhaps things we could learn from both perspectives”.

According to their website, the Man Collective-Oxford believes:

That masculinity should not be a source of shame.  Masculinity should be honed as an alliance between attitudes of purpose and integrity. Men do and should aspire to greatness and that this can be achieved through sharing in the wisdom of great teachers and experiencing the support and challenge other men can offer.

The intention of MC-O is to bring together men on this basis to drag, persuade and inspire each other to become the best versions of themselves in an atmosphere of  respect, support and integrity.

Sounds pretty awesome to me!!!

Listen to Alex get interviewed by my bro Tripp Lanier on the New Man Podcast here.

If you live in the UK, get in touch with 27 year old Marc Quinn and 20 year old Alex Linsley if you want to step up your game and be held accountable by other courageous, soulful men wanting to explore what it means to be a man in 2010. Here’s the link to their gathering this coming weekend.

http://www.mancollective.co.uk/home/gathering/

And if you don’t live in the UK but find yourselves making excuses about why you have yet to start of find a good men’s group, sac up, take a note from these two guys and get in the game!

______________________________________________

Here are other related links if you want to dive into the whole story:

http://www.guardian.co.uk/commentisfree/2009/nov/25/mens-group-feminist-student-union

http://www.guardian.co.uk/education/2009/nov/23/men-students-support-groups-universities

He has also been on BBC TV News but the sound is a bit dodgy:

The question of what it is we miss most in the opposite sex is a poignant one, and let’s face it – the opportunity to address it in the public realm doesn’t come along very often. For men, messages from women about what they want more of have, in the last few decades at least, often been laced with the darker shades of feminism, delivered as complaints or demands or that “what you do is never enough” thing. We want you to be more civil. We want you to express your feelings more. We want you to be more attentive. We want you to be more like us.

I’m one of those old fashioned gals who wants men to be more like men. Unruly, lustful, primitive, bold – however he might come. It is challenging for a man in this day and age to remain intact; to not allow himself to be meddled with, while still retaining a good measure of integrity. I admire men who strive for this, because there are plenty of (well-meaning) women out there who are happily doing the meddling. It’s all they know. We are all to some extent shaped by the culture we live in. The pressure on men to be more like women is so pervasive we don’t even see it for what it is. And since it is human to want to belong; to be seen for the good person that you are, men tend to succumb – at least in public. So when I meet a man who can own his mistakes openly while never apologizing for who he is, I am impressed. While he is not exactly a dying breed, this is a balance that is hard to come by.

I adore men, and I adore all the ways they communicate that are not at all like a woman’s. I enjoy their tribal instincts, their love of competition, and the way they bond with their buddies that I will never be a part of. These are things I would like to see more of, free of restraint or excuses. No more blaming women for your failure to exercise the liberties that are your birthright! Men need time with other men, because it gives them something they can never get from a woman. It’s just the way that it is. We are entirely different breeds.

On a personal level, there are lots of things I hanker for. As a woman who has been single for quite some time, what I miss the most is that burly, unfaltering presence that does not shrink back from my fervent mood swings, whether it be anxiety, sexual desire or matters of the heart. I miss a man who can hold his own without taking on my emotional depth. A man with fortitude and patience, but who does things on his own terms, not mine. A spiritual man who values both the animal and the tender; who knows what it means to be both beastly and kind. A man who understands that being in control (something many men need) is not the same as controlling me. Hell, be the boss if you must – but try to oppress my spirit, and I’ll end up leaving you in the end.

There’s a scene in the movie A History of Violence where the main character, played by Viggo Mortensen, “takes” his wife on the stairs of their home, without her apparent (initial) consent. It is a powerful scene that blends anger with tenderness, desire with heart – raw and unrestrained. Contrast this with the sex portrayed in a series like Desperate Housewives – emasculated, polite, entirely dependent on a woman’s approval. Unfortunately – and I say this for women as well as men – sex within the confines of domestic love has swung toward the latter. What I miss in men is unfettered passion and a loyalty to self; men who are sensitive to what I think and feel, but will never sell themselves out to gain my approval.

A man who is his own person.

Jesse Mendes is a writer, producer and blogger who is deeply committed to helping to change how older women are perceived in North America. She believes there is a sensuality and wisdom about them that younger women can only dream of, and a significant pool of men out there who “get” it. SeptemberMay, a dating site that celebrates the authentic older woman, will launch later this year.

Photo by Josh Levin

In my humble opinion radical personal development has one powerful process and its core.

Knowing and living this one gem can be the difference between the relentless self-improvement project and experiencing true joy, abundance, and fulfillment, especially for men who are habitually geared toward “improving” and “being better.”

So, what is this process?

LOVE.

That’s right. Love in every form. From self-love, to loving others, and even loving things.

“Loving” is the process by which we transform, evolve and open to greater and greater aspects of ourselves. Typically the process of loving happens within the context of relationships, a major pain and pleasure experience for most men.

If you are a normal man, you have struggled in the realm of relationships. Perhaps you have had your heart broken, been betrayed, or maybe you have experienced great pain in losing a loved one.

Love shows up in our “relationship” to family, friends, pets, co-workers, race, politics, money, the environment, and of course, our relationship to ourselves. And, like most men, you might attempt to tackle your relationship problems with more doing, acheiving, trying harder, and more problem solving. But if you desire more fulfilling relationships, try setting aside your current masculine approach and lean into loving as your “way.”

If amazing relationships are your destination, loving (adjective and verb) is the path to get there.

Pour genuine love into just about any kind of relationship and you will get results you were not getting before. Learn how to open your heart in your relationships and your relationships will evolve and deepen. Give some love to yourself and you will find over time that your personal blocks, issues, and challenges transform. Love your demons, your fear, and the parts of yourself you don’t like and something powerful begins to occur. Love is what transforms your judgments of others (which are disowned judgments of yourself) into acceptance.

I’m here to purport that love is the greatest medicine in personal and spiritual development.

As Carl Jung says,

“Love is the dynamism that most infallibly

brings the unconscious to the light.”

Try it on that you are either opening to love or contracting away from love. Anything else is an ego-building project. More status, money, fame, power, are all just another ego trip.

Love is who you are at the most fundamental level. It is the main food you survived on during infancy and childhood, and the teaching you likely delivered to your parents during that precious time.

This concept is something I thought I understood for years. I remember when I was 21 listening to the Samples song about loving myself. It made sense. In that moment I realized I kinda loved myself. Looking back, I had no idea about what that really meant or what was possible with love. I had layers upon layers of self-protection that were unconscious to me and I was pretty unhappy.

If I am honest with myself, I spend most of my time in subtle levels of contraction. However, slowly over time that is shifting. Parenting, my men’s group, my marriage, and my life keep pointing me toward greater love. As any of you parents know, a new baby in your life can crack the dam open pretty wide. It continues to crack, some days it bursts open and my love comes ripping out like a mountain torrent. Other days my love is just a trickle, and some moments, my love is well hidden far behind the dam, which, in those moments seems impenetrable.

Loving is changing how I work with people and the view I take on the personal development path. I know there is an endless well of depth and profundity to me experiencing love. I’m suggesting the same for you.

So, I’m here to challenge you to join me in opening to greater and greater love in the context of your relationships and your life. Why not? What do you have to loose? Think about a world where you and others exuded love most waking hours?

To me opening one’s heart is the hardest practice of all. Much harder than climbing big peaks, going to med school (so I’ve been told), being lost in the wilderness, or even starting a business. A man’s relationship to his work, his family, his partner, his guy friends, and his environment can all be enhanced with serious and frequent doses of love.

Since, loving might just be the hardest practice, here are some basic tips to love more and more.

First, get honest and think of your relationship to love. How much do you feel love? Do you know what it feels like? What is more of an edge for you– giving or receiving love? Big picture in life and with your intimate partner or lover.  For many men receiving love is a much steeper path. Receiving love is largely a feminine process and most guys are simply not in touch with the feminine aspect of themselves. I struggle with both but my greater challenge is in receiving love.

Here are some signs that you could use some help receiving love:

• You always have to be “on top” during sex.
• You are great and helping others and being there for friends, but you never ask for, or need, help.
• You blow off compliments and affirmations with a compliment back, without first taking a breath and letting what the person said sink in and impact you.
• You like to be in control and be the leader.
• You have a hard time relaxing and doing nothing.

Signs that you are challenged by giving love:

• You resist giving a genuine compliment to a co-worker, lover, or friend.
• You hoard things in your life such as money.
• You are territorial
• You say things to yourself like “I am not going to drop the “L bomb” on her until I really feel it.
• You withhold your love for the “right relationship.”
• You judge, hate, blame, shame, and make fun of others.
• You believe that gays are bad, criminals should be locked up forever or killed, and you think anyone who doesn’t believe what you believe is going to hell.
• You see giving your love as someone potentially taking something from you.

Now, on to the practices.

I am practicing most of these daily. I suggest that you choose the ones that fit you and your life.

Warning: Only do these if you want to experience more love in your life. If you prefer contraction, being shut down, or have a stronger allegiance to your fear, please skip these practices and see if you can genuinely love where you are at instead of judging yourself. Seriously.

Practices toward greater love

1. Practice connecting to your own love. Close your eyes, meditate, relax and breathe into your heart. Imagine someone (or something) you love deeply. See if you can feel the love in your body, not just think about the concept. What does it feel like and where do you feel it? Can you expand it?

2. Live love daily. Commit to showing at least one person love every day. Strangers, friends, co-workers, and even yourself.

• Self-love. Stand in front of a mirror. Talk to that guy in the mirror and let him know by saying things like “I accept you” or “what I love about you is…”
• Love others. When you are at the store, a coffee shop, an elevator, or in your building at work, just make someone’s day by opening to them and loving them. Tell them directly what you appreciate about them in that moment, or show them with your body language and your smile without saying a word.
• Notice when you showing love is genuine, forced, or faked. All are find, but notice the difference and what it takes to drop in to a genuine expression of love. Faking it helps you see where you are holding back.
• Find an accountability partner. Send your accountability partner a text message every night, letting them know you showed love to someone that day. If you forgot, or didn’t do it, practice in the mirror, or, directly with them via text by letting them know you love them. Send a TM that reads one word: love.

3. Express gratitude. Do this verbally with someone or in your journal every day. Use a service such as gratitude log or just let yourself know 3 things you are grateful for prior to going to bed. “I am grateful for A, B, and C.”

4. Set the tone every morning. Every morning for 10 minutes do practice one and commit to love today. Choose love over stress, being grumpy, or complaining.

5. Own your fear and contraction. Remember that we are either opening to love or closing down to it (fear). Own your fear, own how comfortable you are in judgment and contraction.

6. Make a list of everything you get by keeping your heart closed and withholding your love. Share it with another man.

One of the first things you might notice by doing these practices, is that you will begin to bring awareness to how often you are closed down. No need to judge this, just open to the truth of your experience and love that.

Now, why the hell would you do this daily? Well, simply because most of us claim we want to feel better, be happier, be more at peace, or experience more love in our life. If this is true for you, I challenge you to commit to this for 1 month and see what happens. Find another man to do this with. Why another man? Because it is harder of course. Okay fine, a woman friend is good, but at some point, man up with another man and practice together. As my mentor David Cates likes to say, “If a man can’t love other men, he can’t love the man in himself.”

And finally as Pema Chodron says so eloquently:

“If your everyday practice is to open to all your emotions, to all the poeple you meet, to all the situations you encounter, without closing down, trusting that you can do that–then that will take you as far as you can go. And then you’ll understand all the teachings that anyone has ever taught.”

Stay tuned for part 2 of this post in a few days when we discuss how the yoga of self-acceptance might impact a guy like you.

For now, let’s here your thoughts.

It’s not everyday that you can make a big decision like this to move your life forward and help others at the same time. Believe it or not, you are needed.

Please do everyone a favor and take a small step forward today toward your dreams and help a brother while doing so. Life might start to take on a whole new meaning!

The other day I sent out a call for feedback for men everywhere (Stay tuned…). My request was for one sentence from anyone and everyone. Interesting that several women completely disregarded the “one sentence” rule and just went for it.

Here is one poignant example from my friend Nomali who wrote to us men exquisitely. She came up with her own introduction to it. I have not edited a thing and have received her permission to post it. I was deeply inspired upon reading her note and feel as though it may serve you. Thank you Nomali!

Notice yourself as you read this. Are you skeptical? Do you allow her words to penetrate you? Do you contract because of you are afraid to let her in? Does the spiritual tone sound too much for you? Or are you grateful for a woman that shares her vulnerability with you? What would it feel like for a woman to actually speak to you in this manner?

If you are a man hungry for more in intimacy and relationship, let this be a love letter beckoning you to show up and go deeper.

Painting My Lover: Men – Women – Me – You – Who?

by Nomali Perera

Crazy-ass long mad thing I suddenly found myself writing after I saw a posting by Jayson Gaddis of “Revolutionary Man” (What Is Your Constructive Feedback For MEN? – http://tinyurl.com/yh46lyj). This is waaaaay too long for what Jayson Gaddis is looking for. I mostly just found myself writing more about myself than men and so, this is just my note. And please know that this is MY letter. I am not speaking for other women. I am also not directing this at any one man. And sometimes I am guilty of what I complain about. I know it and am honest about it. Why did I really have all this gushing out of me? I have no idea. Maybe just because I am a woman. And sometimes, I just shamelessly gush.

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Men and Women: This is your chance to give us men some honest feedback. Where do we need to improve? What do you want to see more of? Less of?

This is part one of a three-step project I’m cranking out. Don’t worry, this is not meant to just focus on the negative with men. Quite the contrary. However, we need a real-time assessment from everyday people like you. I want a baseline and some collective input from as many men and women as possible.

I only need one statement from you.

I realize I’m asking you to generalize, and it will be most helpful if you think of yourself (if you are a man) or the men in your lives. We men might actually benefit from it.

If you are down to help out, keep reading.

Let’s look at the current sociological landscape of masculinity by quickly reviewing what some experts say.

If you watched the Superbowl this year, you saw the barrage of lame-ass ads directed toward men. Here is a great commentary on them by Mark Morford of SFGate called Ode to the Whipped White Male.

The trend seems to be building about the utter confusion men find themselves in today. Although men are still largely in power, women are outpacing men in the workforce for the first time ever. Women’s empowerment programs are all over the world and are having a significant impact.

What about boys and men?

According to Raising Cain, a PBS documentary, “America’s boys are in trouble. They are the most violent in the industrialized world. Many are unable to express their emotions. On average, boys are doing worse in the classroom than they were 10 years ago.”

Once they become “adults” young men stay adrift longer, putting off growing up as long as humanly possible. This group becomes trapped in Guyland. As of early 2010, one in five men were unemployed. Most conventional mainstream guys are confused, lost, depressed, or putting on a show and pretending to be happy. I have written about this a bit in a previous post “Why men are boys and what can be done about it.”

So then, what about men’s empowerment programs? Can’t they help? Well, uh…..um……yeah…..

While there are many high quality men’s programs out there including mine, it is still commonplace for men to subscribe to the old-school “go-it-alone” mentality. Not only that, but the conventional mainstream man pokes fun of men’s work and men’s empowerment programs calling them “gay,” “stupid,” “weak,” or “new agey,” which, in the end, reveals more about that man’s fears than about the programs themselves.

Even in a recent Daily Show parody, BetterMen.org was made fun of for men sitting around in a circle acting like “vagina-men.”

So, if a man “stays the course” he is screwed, and if he chooses to “man up” and do some work on himself, he is made fun of.

Alas, many men have found themselves in a collapsed stupor, driving their dodge charger as fast as possible to their man-cave, as Morford suggests, to play video games, watch sports, drink beer, and resent their wives and girlfriends. All the while they “pretend” everything is fine.

As a guy who has worn the conventional guy-land hat for years, I know the territory well. I walked in his shoes far past a mile, both sober and drunk, way too many times. I know the pain and I know the mask that covers it up.

Now, forget what others are saying, I want to hear from you!

Here’s how it works:

What is your personal experience of men? Think of the men in your life and look around. Your boss, your father? Your son? Co-workers, boyfriends, husbands, Ex-husbands? What pains you the most about yourself as a man, other men, or a man in your life?

What blind spots do you see men having? Where does society stand to benefit the most if these changes could be realized?

What matters here, is what you think of men. Forget the stats, what is your take? Where are us guys at right now? What is our problem? Please only focus on where we can improve.

What’s “right” about men is coming. Remember, this is part one of a big project I’m working on. I can hardly wait to share it! Stay tuned…

My goal is to get 100 responses from anyone and everyone about what you see as the big issues  men have today. I want brutal honesty!

I will create a video with the most common, most powerful responses and give you credit. This will then serve as our jumping off point to go further toward change, wholeness, and visioning a brighter future.

What I need from YOU!

Send me one statement with your feedback for men everywhere.

Women: Pretend you have every man’s full attention. You could say anything and they would completely listen and then make that change. If you could give us feedback in one statement about where we could grow, what is it? Make it personal. Think of the men you know in your life that need some honest feedback. Consider it an offering to them.

Men: Think of what you personally struggle with the most in your life and chances are you are far from alone. There are other men like you. Look at your circles. Think of your Dad, your brothers, your friends and colleagues?  Take a moment to acknowledge you are not perfect and even you could use a pep talk. Make it personal. Your feedback is service to your fellow man.

Other: If you don’t identify as man or woman, what do you think we need from your unique perspective?

Pick the absolute most important issue to you and write it here in one sentence by finishing this sentence…

My constructive feedback for MEN is….

Then leave your name (first and/or last), age, and home city.

You are welcome to submit a photo (of yourself or of men) for the video. The more personal it is, the more of an impact we can have.

Remember, keep it to one sentence only please!

Just reply to this post below, leave a comment below, or email me your feedbac: info@revolutionaryman.com

Here is a great question from one of my clients.

As many of you know, once you start engaging in personal development work, be it getting some coaching, going to therapy, or finding a spiritual path, many of your closest friends and family members might feel very uncomfortable with the “new you.”

Here’s a great example that some of you might appreciate, followed up with some useful tips.

Here’s my client’s question:

Last night I had dinner with my bro.  We got on the topic of “what the f*ck am I doing?” with all my time, going to spiritual talks etc.

My bro gave me a piece about, “You need to be clear with your friends what you’re doing since you are so out of touch, you need to be clear with Mom and Dad.  People need you/ want you back.  No one understands what is going on with you”.  I was patient for a while, and then I got angry and heated.  I started defending myself, fired up.

How have you dealt with friends and family who didn’t understand what you were doing during personal development work?  I offered my bro an answer from one of your blogs – “it may look selfish, but I’m trying to work on myself to be a better person”.  My bro said “what problems do you have – we were blessed growing up.  What are you angry about?  You shouldn’t be so angry.  Don’t feel bad”  Of course, this only stoked the flames even higher.

I’m feeling angry, pissed, locked up and helpless.  If you have any thoughts to share I’d appreciate.

So what is going on here?

This is a classic example of how other people are threatened by a man’s personal growth and evolution.

I remember this process vividly for myself. As I dove deep into my own personal development work and spiritual practice I heard comments like this: “We like the old Jay better than the new Jay.” or “Yeah bro, we were thinking about having an intervention with you,” as If I was an alcoholic or something.

In systems theory, when one aspect of any system changes, it disrupts the entire system or the homeostasis of the system.

As you change and evolve, the system, which is your old friends and family members, feels a threat and does it’s best to keep you in your old role. This happens largely unconsciously on their end. This can be one painful aspect of differentiating from your family.

If they were able to talk about it and had some skills, they might say things such as, “When you change and grow, I get scared because I no longer know how to be with you or relate to you.” or “When I can’t place you into the role I’ve always known you in, I feel threatened, scared, and uncomfortable.” or “I feel safe and secure knowing who I think you are and when you show me signs of something different, I feel very uncomfortable and I start to question myself.”

So, what to do?

Whether or not you understand them and their process is irrelevant.

You must make staying with yourself and your experience and much higher priority than getting their approval or having them understand you. It can be really tempting to try and change them or make them get it. But chances are they will never get it, or get you.

(Talk to gay men and women. Generally speaking, they know this landscape well. Specifically reach out to fearless gay people who have already faced the gauntlet of judgments/ridicule from others in their coming out process).

Here are a few pointers.

1.  Let go. Let go of wanting them to understand you and accept that they won’t. If you get lucky and they do, celebrate it.

2.  Feel your Feelings. Feel what arises in you around your family/friends not understanding or getting you. There may be a lot of anger, resentment, or deep grief and loss knowing that those whom love you the most understand and support you the least.

3.  Feel part 2. Feel your aloneness and the pain around that.

4.  Notice your need. Notice the part of you that still wants to be liked and accepted. Meet that need yourself and stop looking outside yourself for validation.

5.  Get a new community. Surround yourself with folks that do see you, understand you, and support your evolution. If I wanted to stay in the old me, I would hang around old friends that continue to box me in to who I used to be. If however, I want to grow, I must find folks who are growing also. Get a badass men’s group going.

6.  Set a boundary. Take some space away from those old friends/family members while you sort things out. Be direct with them and let them  know you are going away for a while. Do this as consciously as possible. If you need to stop returning phone calls because it feels too hard, give yourself permission to do that for while until you get clear on how to communicate with them.

7.  Make a request. If you family/friends blame you or tell you “Don’t feel angry etc…” request that they not tell you how to feel. In the above example, my client’s brother was very invalidating. Hear him out, then make a request.

8.  Be direct and tell them how you feel. Stay with yourself without judging them. For example, my client could say, “I’m feeling angry, pissed, locked up and helpless. I feel completely unseen and unsupported by you right now.”

9.  Set another boundary. If your family/friends continue to invalidate you because they lack the skills to dive into what is really going on for them, let them know that you are no longer willing to be spoken to that way and you need a break from the relationship for a while. Put a timeframe on it.

10. Own your shame. If you feel shame or embarrassed by your new growth kick, own that. It’s normal. Know that there is also a part of you that doesn’t want you to grow or change. Stay in relationship with that part of yourself.

11. Be fearless. If all else fails, be true to yourself and your path. F*ck everyone else. It’s time to stop giving a shit what others think of you. We don’t have time to “convince” anyone of what we are up to.

When you work on yourself in a genuine way, plan on pissing others off. Plan on losing friends. Plan on the worst. And, if you get support, welcome it.

Roll up your sleeves and change anyway. Continue to be fearless and follow what you know will serve you and the greater good.

See also Isn’t personal growth just selfish?