There are three parts to this.

Part A. Mirror. I know when I judge you, I’m not only not accepting you, I’m also not accepting me. It’s very simple. I am not completely landed in me and how I still judge myself. The part I judge is probably somehow, somewhere a disowned aspect of me.

Part B. I’m afraid. It’s very scary to trust in the sacred way of your life. I know intellectually that your life is trustworthy just as you are living it. It’s a tough practice to trust my life completely, so it makes sense that it’s hard to trust yours so boldly.

Part C. Me not trusting and judging you is an expression of my own intelligence and my love/respect for you. This is my soul wanting more from you. I’m craving more truth, more congruency, more connection from you, and to feel experientially that we are not separate. I judge you here because it feels like you are living a semi-true life and not in alignment with your soul’s knowing. I want that level of congruency for you because it inspires me to stay with my soul’s way and knowing.  I long to feel the depth of our shared humanity and the deep resonance between us when we both have the courage to trust our deeper Self. I long, deeply long to feel you land in the depths of your soul.

This last part starts to take on a less judgmental quality and invites exploration of how I experience you. This is where we can truly be of service to one another, especially if we are clear on part A & B. So, let’s be willing to share our experience of each other (from a place of love and respect) in a way that can be mutually beneficial.

Artwork by Bryce Widom

In my last post, I spoke of a new insight. Using more discipline to support my ongoing surrender.

Many of you asked, “yeah, but how do you not shame yourself or should yourself into doing stuff ‘cause that doesn’t work?”

Let me start by saying this is a very delicate dance. It requires me to know myself very deeply internally. It requires keen presence and awareness.

In 8th grade I was being ungrateful, entitled and in general, a spoiled brat around the subject of friends. This went on for many months. At one point, my Dad lost it and shamed the shit out of me and screamed at me for being an entitled brat. I don’t remember the words, but it set me straight, period. I was different from that day forward.

Looking back it was his “tough love” (yes, with plenty of shame and blame) that set me straight. He cared enough to get in my face and break through my bullshit. Sure, he could have done it way more skillfully, but at the time, it didn’t matter. The message got through. He also rarely broke out that voice, with that tone, in that way. So, it was a rare side of my dad and one I perked up to and listened to even though I cried and cried.

Over the years, whenever I had goals or objectives, I would start shaming myself into doing them. I could never sustain them because a part of me doesn’t like to be told what to do, nor do I like shaming or “shoulds.”

On the one hand, too much shame has us clamp down further and resist, especially if we are feeling insecure, unworthy or depressed about ourselves and our life. On the other hand, used once in a blue moon, our stern, fierce tone/voice from deep care has the power to cut through our resistance.

When I look back to 8^th grade, I needed a serious dose of “tough love” which is something like “Get your fucking head I the game bro! No more distracting yourself.”  It was very helpful in the big picture.

 The Inner Samurai

I recently had one of the most intense trials in my life during an all night ayahuasca ceremony. The only thing that got me through was my tough love with myself. I call this part of me my inner samurai.

He’s there to hold the line with me. He’s there to kick my ass. He gives a shit and loves me so much that he is not willing to stand by and let me waffle my life away.

He’s the guy that parents my kids with vulnerable yet ruthless love. My son knows where the boundaries are, period. Because my inner samurai is in charge, not my son.  Not only that, my inner samurai is there to be fiercely loving to the hurt little boy in me that can try to sneak into the driver seat and run my life. He doesn’t let that happen anymore.  My inner samurai also has a soft side where can be a large teddy bear that holds my hurt boy for hours upon end.

I’m starting to see life as a martial art. I am the martial artist and if I see everything as practice or “training,” then there’s very little room to fuck around. I want to be clear, open, and precise in my life. This requires tremendous discipline. When I’m not in the mood, I’m going to train anyway.

And, my inner samurai now has full reign to crack the loving whip on me if I start to check out or collapse. He cares, deeply. He knows that the only way I’m going to give my gifts in the world while being married and parenting two little ones, is if he is ferociously loving with me.

I am finally finding a “middle way” to confront my own inner slacker and the part of me that checks out and would rather run away from my life. I know the difference in me when I’m shaming myself, which has yet to happen since this insight occurred.

How do I know? When I am shaming myself, my resistance increases, an inner power struggles ensues, and the resistance always wins.

In real life, when teenage boys rebel they are asking for a boundary, a strong figure (ideally a male) to set a limit, but from a place of LOVE, not fear. Granted fear might be in there, but if it is largely coming from love, I’m learning as a parent, that it’s okay to raise my voice sometimes. My son needs me to be there. He needs me to be in my body, present, ready to respond.

If my son is walking in the street and a car is coming, I’m not going to be nice and skillful. I’m going to yell or even scream. Fear is in there yes, but below that is an ocean of the deepest love imaginable. I will do anything for him. So why should my relationship to myself be any different?

Lastly, if and when we raise our voice at our kids or ourselves, we can always “clean it up” later if we have the skills and work on ourselves on a regular basis.

Tough love is playing a key force in my life right now. Mostly with myself. I’m not willing to piss away the days anymore. I don’t have time. When it’s time to work, I’m working. This frees me up to surrender being with my family when it’s kid/family time. Paradoxically, it is also supporting me to be less serious and have more fun!

As an example, this post took 45 minutes to write and not once did I check facebook or my email (both leaky distractions to getting shit done).

It’s a razor’s edge between tough love and shame. I’m committed to loving myself in the most ruthless way possible. I like the results.

*note: my blog currently has a bug so the visual aspect is not as tight as i’d like it to be.

what is your favorite intro personal/spiritual growth book you recommend to a person fresh on the path?

The responses where a wide range from Dr Suess to Ken Wilber. And, there’s some great suggestions in here. I numbered the responses so that you can recommend a number or two to a person and refer them to this list.I also left the comments there as some folks had helpful things to say.

Here’s the list:

1.  Zen mind, beginner’s mind.
2. or something from alan watts.
3. or even siddhartha by herman hesse.
4. zen and the art of motorcycle maintenance.
5. The Untethered Soul by Michael Singer.
6. Chop Wood, Carry Water…
7. A New Earth by Eckhart Tolle
8. Fresh on the path? I would say something by Dr. Suess
9. The Book. Alan Watts.
10. When love meets fear” by David Richo
11. Books by Pema Chodron or Cheri Huber
12. “loving what is” by Byron Katie,
13. Diamond Heart Series by A.H. Almaas
14. The Alchemist
15. ‎”The Work,” Byron Katie.
16. Malidoma Some – Of Water and Spirit
17. The Laws of the Spirit by Dan Millman… it’s good start on what could be difficult and esoteric kind of subject matter and it’s an easy entertaining read.
18. Poetry by Mary Oliver, or
19. The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle
20. Conversations With God (Book 1) by Neale Donald Walsch
21. Cutting Through Spiritual Materialism – Chogyam Trungpa
22. There Is Nothing Wrong With You by Cheri Huber
23. Pretty much anything by Richard Rohr. Simplicity: The Freedom of Letting Go is probably a very good choice.
24. Way of the Peaceful Warrior by Dan Millman.
25. Conversations With God – Walsch….popped into my head
26. On The Road. Jack Kerouack!
27. The Power of Intention.
28. Codependent no more
29. One Dharma by Joseph Goldstein
30. Letters to a Young Poet” -Rainier Maria RIlke
31. Hands down: Dancing in the Eye of Transformation, 10 Keys to Creative Consciousness by Sylvia Brallier one of the most approachable and easy-to-digest resources for personal and spiritual growth I’ve ever seen while still be thorough with a bit of a sense of humor!
32. Siddartha
33. Conversations with God…changed my life!
34. The 4 Agreements would be another major one that is really easy to read and digest.
35. Any Joseph Campbell, I love The Power of Myth. “Follow Your Bliss”
36. Since it is their path i would consider going with them to a bookshop and let them choose what calls more to them. Its nice to gather people to discuss their impression on a book that was also important to us, but that is another idea. I would say let them choose and them share what they got out of it
37. Peaceful Warrior, Dan Millman
38. When Things Fall Apart by Pema Codron If their path was open to it
39. I agree with Allison on the power of now! It has taken a hundred times of listening to it to start to understand, but i think It’s great stuff
40. 7 Habits by Covey. That said, I just read the power of TED and it seems like it’s easy to digest for newbies.
41. Dharma Punx by Noah Levine.
42. Thinking back on it, though…the 3 books that did it for me were required reading for a Freshmen English class I begrudgingly took: “Freedom from the Known” by Jiddu Krishnamurti, “The Myths We Live By” by Joseph Campbell, and – surprisingly, or not – “Tropic of Cancer” by Henry Miller.
43. To add a few how about be here now ram dass, celestine prophecy, and the ordinary magic compilation…..
44. What a great list!! I am so going to write down all of these and re-read or check out new ones I’ve not read! I’ve been caught in that pre-occupation of life thing again and reading through these titles reminds me of a time when all this was new and I was a huge sponge taking it all in. Thinking back, the Celestine Prophecy was my very first read that put me on my path to following my own bliss nearly 20 years ago. Then Richard Bach, Dan Millman, Alan Watts, David Abram and more. But Joseph Campbell is my hero! ♥ him
45. Prometheus Rising” by Robert Anton Wilson; also, a few of those already mentioned, and “Dancing Wu-Li Masters”
46. I noticed a distinct lack of Leo Buscaglia shout-outs
47. Any Pema Chodron book
48. Wilber’s Brief History of Everything.
49. And the 4 agreements.
50. That Cheri Huber book is pretty great.
51. Trungpa’s Shamballa.
52. Power of Now – Eckhart Tolle
53. Core Transformation by Connirae Andreas.
54. The Road Less Traveled by Scott Peck
55. Personal Development for Smart People by Steve Pavlina

Any others? Please comment below and include why you like the book. Over time, I’ll add your comments to the list.

I have been wanting to find the “flow” more in my life. To write from ease and grace. To have work feel more effortless. I have been wanting to surrender even further to Life.

The guidance that came was discipline. Discipline facilitates the surrender and ease I claim I want. At first it didn’t make sense.

Then it did. I saw it in the main area of my life, parenting.

For example, as a parent I can’t let it all go and “just be.” I have to maintain exuberant discipline. If I have clear and firm boundaries as a parent, my kids feel safe to explore who they are. If I’m wishy-washy or lazy, they don’t know what is what or where the edges are, thus their healthy ego development is compromised.

I choose to exert a tremendous amount of disciplined energy to be present and available for my kids so they can keep relaxing into a safe container and be their fullest selves.

In other words, firm boundaries support my son and daughter to be free to be who they are.

Another example is in my marriage.  A tight container (exclusivity, commitment, monogamy, etc) supports relaxation and freedom to really let go and surrender to union with my lover.

This is also what I see as the heart of yoga as a spiritual path. Exerting intense discipline in each posture with presence and awareness allows for the moments of surrendering where the body can have a new experience. And all the exertion throughout the class gets to the last and final pose–savasana, said to be the most difficult posture in yoga. From my limited understanding, savasana is all about surrender. For me, surrender appears to be my most difficult “posture” my everyday life.

I even see this in any spiritual tradition. That a disciplined practice supports further letting go on the path. When I get lazy with my practice, I have subtly hit the snooze button.

Discipline is to be right here right now. In other words, it requires discipline to be present. And to be present is to facilitate the flow of the Spirit and Grace.

Yes.

More discipline is required. Now I have a place to direct my will. I don’t have to make that part of my experience wrong anymore. Time and my experience will tell me if this indeed supports further surrender.

A few different ways I see this:

It’s time to to set up more structure in my life. Time management and boundaries.

Boundaries facilitate trust.

Boundaries support relaxation.

Discipline supports being in union with God.

Yang, supports and lubricates yin.

Proper holding supports deep relaxation.

Structure lubricates manifestation.

Structure supports safety and being free to be oneself.

Discipline facilitates Grace coming in.

Discipline supports me being present which supports surrender and letting go.

Discipline in the right areas supports more acceptance and love.

I’m inspired to have things so structured that I don’t have to think about the details.

YES!

And, why even bother surrendering? Because it helps me really receive in the biggest way possible.

Up until now, if I want to continue to “receive” the guidance in my life, I would have said all I have to do is surrender. Now, I see a missing piece. That in order to surrender further, I need more discipline.

Boom.

Check out the next post as I explore waking up my inner samurai in order to get it done.

Photo by Josh Levin

Been a while for sure.

I continue to get stripped down by Life.  The dying process is nearly over (I think–famous last words).

I’ve spent the last year dying and then dying some more.

It’s all very helpful.

My whole orientation is fresh, new, unfamiliar, tentative, like I have new, soaking wet, virgin wings, uncertain of how to fly, but willing to flap.

I feel tired from the dying process. Worn out, beaten up, exhausted.

I have no more gas to do things the “old” way (my habitual neurotic 3-ness)

Exhaustion is an understatement.

38 years of push, drive, and willing my way through life.

On top of that, two plus years of parenting one, now two, little tiny kids. Sleep deprivation and non-stop parenting while being a devoted husband and going through the biggest rite-of-passage of my life for over a year now.

So my tank is beyond empty, but, I’ve been known to run on fumes before, and I won’t be surprised if I try and push my tired old car a little farther.

The great thing about an empty tank is that I am open to receive now.

What a concept–receiving.

In addition to running on empty, I have been choosing for many months now, not to read any books or listen to any MP3′s by teachers of any kind. Last fall, I told my main mentor, “thanks for taking me to the edge of the forest, now I must do the next part alone.”  I even left my men’s group after 6 amazing years! I haven’t even sipped the sacred tea of Ayahuasca for over seven months.

Me and the enchanted, uncharted forest.

My main guru now is…..

<<<my own experience>>>>

It’s terrifying really.

But what does that mean “my own experience is my guru.”

Well, I have spoken about this for years but I see how I was giving this lip service in an old blog post. Ouch.

I’m now learning, and more importantly experiencing, what it really means to trust my experience. I understand that having no formal teachers right now might be a phase but it feels so absolutely right on for me.

My prayer everyday is to help me deepen my trust in myself and what I know deep within me.

And…the emerging light is coming. I can feel it and taste it.

A new vision is coming through and I am eager to share it in a new way.

In the past, I would have “shot my load” in a very premature ejaculation-kinda-way.  And, I would have done it months ago and it would have had the same result it always has had—disappointment.

Now though, I keep remembering to relax, there is no rush. Keep listening, keep receiving. I can take my time making love to Life and being made love to by Life.

I can practice trusting the divine timing of things, the natural way.

I’m giving birth to some wonderful new work that inspires me deeply. Work that has new life force slowly seeping into my veins, despite my utter exhaustion.

I’m rolling out a whole new website in the coming weeks as well as some fun new events.

What’s the main theme?

<<<Relationship>>>

Specifically, the practice of relationship and intimacy.

Funny enough, everyone, everyone I meet and am “in relationship with” is a teacher for me. Interesting.

Stay tuned for much, much more…

Artwork by J. Gaddis

Any serious practitioner on the spiritual path knows that in order to grow and evolve you must also die.

For some of us, that means experiencing many metaphorical deaths and re-births throughout our entire life.

Death and birth is just the way of Life.

Resisting this creates suffering. Fighting nature’s rhythms only adds more pain to the path.

In my relentless (and even neurotic at times) quest to wake up, I have experienced some of these deaths and re-births, with the latest one being the most significant to date.

And for the past many months I have experienced something very new in the midst of the death/rebirth cycle I find myself in.

Here are three key insights about what I’m learning.

Insight number 1. Freedom in the unknown

As of late, I have not been active on my blog or my email list.

I find myself at a loss for words. Not much to say, offer, or share. I am steeped in being a student right now. Listening. Listening.

I have felt very little inspiration to write. I get in front of the computer and there’s just nothing to say. Blank.

In the past I would have overridden this and forced words. Made something happen.

Instead, I’ve been cocooning, going inward, getting very quiet, and listening. Seeing a few clients here and there, running the MLT, and parenting non-stop in a chop wood carry water way.

Mostly, I’ve been experiencing a simple gratitude, a quiet emptiness, and a relaxation into this unknown phase of my life (with occasional dips into depression or tiny bites of terror). When afraid, I even slip back into magical thinking and want someone or something to save me from this blank screen.

Historically when not much is going on I would have made that wrong. But now, I’m slowly experiencing the freedom in this unknown void.

Insight number 2. Live as I parent

The other day I said to my wife after 3 weeks of being sick, “I’m not sure how to live my life from this new, emerging place.”

Her reply,

“I don’t buy that. Look at how you parent our kids.”

“What do you mean?” I replied.

“Well, you are showing up in a simple yet powerful way and you aren’t even trying. You are not trying to get anything, achieve status, or be somebody. You are just doing it. Seems pretty effortless to me. And look how our kids respond.”

“Right,” I replied. Of course. Duh.

After sitting with this some, I am realizing that I’m parenting my kids from a place of ease, relaxation, an non-doing. I am parenting my kids the way I want to live my life!

Whoah. Ding!

Now, can I translate that to my life, my relationships, my career, and offering my gifts to the world?

I know I can and will but I feel shaky with my new legs and new eyes. I’m not totally trusting myself.

Big insight number 3: I’m birthing me

As many of you know the past year has been a long, slow, often painful dying process for me. The old me struggling to gain a foothold as my old core strategies and identity no longer work.

And, as with any huge ego death always comes a birth.

I have not known what this birth is and have tried many times to fast forward the process and figure it out.

During a recent therapy session I brought in the core tension I feel between surrendering to spirit and actually doing something with myself. I hold that tension in and near my sacrum.

My therapist had her hands on my low belly and sacrum.

Boom. We both got it at the same time.

The insight came immediately.

What I’m giving birth to is… myself.

The realization that I’m giving birth to me was so simple, like a leaf dropping to the ground. It was just there, in it’s entirety, complete.

An ah ha moment that happened from deep within me.

Silly me–I had it in my mind that I was giving birth to an idea, a new brand, or some new career path.

Of course, birthing the Self also means surrendering completely to this emerging me, that is deep beyond ego.

Feels scary good.

Big changes are afoot and I stand exhausted, ready  yet apprehensive, vulnerable.

So much more to come, so little I know.

I feel tremendous gratitude for those that hire me to work with them. To anyone who has ever hired me or worked with me, I offer these words of gratitude…

Thank you.

Thanks for being human  and acknowledging in yourself that something feels “off.”

Thank you for not knowing and having the courage to ask for help.

Thank you for allowing me to come into your life and trusting me with what is most vulnerable and intimate in your life.

Thank you for trusting me to help guide you.

Thank you for letting me bare witness to the truth unfolding and emerging in each moment with you.

Thanks for searching, for longing, for seeking.

Thank you for being willing to look in the mirror and get brutally honest.

When the door shuts, I enter your private world and am asked to be a guide. I step into that role with great humility, respect, and honor.

Human intimacy is what we all long for.  And our relationship is an intimate one. If nothing else, we are practicing the art of intimacy.

I feel close to you only because you hold the key and let me in.

Keep risking. Keep asking for guidance. Keep acknowledging whatever is true in your body, heart, mind, soul.

And I have a request when you are ready…And only when you are ready…

Please begin to risk being all of you out in the world, beyond our time together.

My son and daughter need people like you to be real. They need examples of an actual human being walking through the world, warts and all.

They do not need you to be one way here and another way there unless you own that’s what you do. They do not need to you be polished, put together, nice, or fabricated.

They need you to take off the mask and be as you are. They need your raw, uncensored self. It will give them confidence to not build a big fat mask.

I want them to have you as an example of what a real person is.

The shadow of personal growth work is only a shadow when you and I keep our personal and spiritual growth a secret. It only remains in the darkness because of our unwillingness to talk openly about our FULL range of human experience.

So please. Risk being your FULL selves………everywhere. And when you feel scared to do that, then talk about how scared you are to be yourself and then offer compassion to that part of yourself.

When you risk your being in this way, you blaze the trail for my son and daughter to follow. They then have living examples out in the real world of real people willing to be as they are.

With love,

Jayson

Disclaimer: Don’t worry, I’m not feeling sorry for myself or needing any pity. Read on…

Here are some of the main failures.

*In 2008, I started Revolutionary Man to change the world, specifically the world of men. I had a big idea, a big vision. I wanted to reach 1 million men. I wanted the men of the world to step up and get their shit together. A lot of my ego was involved in that project. I failed. In April of 2010, I let go of that brand and the vision behind it. Done. Gone.

*Early in 2010, I visioned a men’s conference that in September 2010 gathered 45 men and women from around the world in hopes of galvanizing the men’s movement and evolving masculinity. I wanted to be a notable leader within that movement. Instead, the conference showed me that we are not ready (or willing) to collaborate in one shared vision and move it forward. It also showed me how covertly I was trying to use the conference to leverage my own personal gain. Fortunately, I failed.

*I had an idea of making 6 figures last year. Didn’t happen. Far from it.

*I had a vision for leading more workshops, retreats and events. I only led two.

*I wanted to be somebody. To leave my mark. To be important. I wanted the world to hear my roar. Instead, my roar was confusing, judgmental, and strange.  The more I tried to be somebody, the less it worked.

There were more mini failures all along the way, too many to report here.

The Silver Lining?

Each of these failures helped me let go of who I thought I was, who others wanted me to be. The failures helped me feel how painful it is when I try to be somebody and how exhausting it is to create something from sheer will.

I failed because I wasn’t willing to listen or trust. I failed because I tried too hard to be someone and get you to like me.

And the irony of course, is that all of these failures combined make up the single biggest success of my entire life—my willingness to surrender and let go of who I thought I was and to die to who I really am. This was the great big death in 2010. Who ever thought dying would be a success?

The personality of Jayson died a slow painful death. He is still dying. In his place is emerging a more relaxed, less needy, more willing servant of humanity and Spirit.

Sure, I could have succeeded in the conventional sense in any one of these areas.  I could have been a poster boy of American success, given my privilege, power, education and skill set.

For example, had I kept at it, I could have taken “Revolutionary Man” or any of my “big ideas” to the spotlight within a certain number of years. Not because I’m special but because I’m a 3 on the enneagram. 3’s just get shit done and won’t ever stop until they succeed. Neurotic 3’s use “will” to bulldoze their way to success, even if it kills them.

But underneath their drive, 3’s also want to succeed in order to get the goodies of love, acceptance, and approval from the world. And try as they might, it will never work. They might look successful on the outside, but they always feel empty on the inside. No amount of external praise or validation ever sets them free.

So, I’m learning to be, to trust the great mystery of my life, to trust the not knowing, to love myself deeper, and to put my self-aggrandizement aside. An integrated 3 moves from “what’s in it for me?” to “how can we move forward together?”

As Sandra Maitri says in The Spiritual Dimension of the Enneagram regarding the work of the 3:

“Spritiual development then is really a matter of nondoing and of removing the obstacles and logjams that impede the flow of our souls.”

I’m learning and re-learning how to let go of what isn’t alive for me and what no longer serves me.

I celebrate the failures. They are all manure, incubating the seeds of my future.

What’s next for me in 2011?

I don’t know just yet. I continue to attend to the dying process while tending to what’s emerging out of the ashes.

In the meantime, I am juggling parenting two brilliant kids, listening deeply, and doing about the only thing I do know how to do; heal and help others.

But here goes.

I do not take posting this lightly. I write this with great respect and humility. It is not my intention to sensationalize here. Rather, I want you to hear about my experience and then decide for yourself.

I thought about avoiding it some more, but my heart wants to tell you about what is serving me and my heart wants you to experience this if you are called.

I also consulted one of the shamans and asked about my intention to blog about the medicine. He encouraged me to share openly but avoid sharing who, where, when due to confidentiality and certain illegal properties involved. Made sense to me.

For the past 2 years, I have participated in semi-regular plant medicine ceremonies. Most have been with shamans who carry the sacred grandmother medicine known as ayahuasca.

For three years prior to my first experience of ayahuasca I avoided it and judged those who used it.

A personal account

Over a year ago, I had the hardest night of my life on this medicine. I shat myself, threw up on myself and thought I was going insane.  I was in a room with some friends and mostly strangers. I was crying out for help. I was dying. It felt like a psychotic break to the point where I lost all reference points and “me” totally disappeared.

I experienced deep terror that I don’t wish upon anyone. Fortunately for me, the inferno ended and I felt the deepest shame of my life that night. After many hours of hell, I came out the other side in bliss and ecstasy.

I crossed through a threshold that night that marked the true beginning of my ego death and spiritual emergence that is still going on today.

At this point, you might be wondering why I went back for more. But, for those of you who know me, you know that I am that devoted to uncovering the truth of reality.  And, while I have experienced the dark night, I have also see the other side, of blissed out LOVE.

Should you desire great tranquility, prepare to sweat white beads. —Hakuin

The hero’s journey has always been my quest. I have been drawn toward raw, real, experiences all of my life.  In the past, I have explored “pushing through” and this is requires a whole different approach—receiving and surrendering.

Ayahuasca = love?

In my opinion, ayahuasca is essentially truth serum made up of 100% love.

Not the kind of feel good love you might think of however.

Many of us think that love is synonymous with good feelings. But from where I stand, love = giving me the opportunity to see myself (ego and my essence) and my games clearly.  Being loved in this way is showing me the utter rawness of reality with no filters or apologies.

Ayahuasca is not for everyone. In fact, I don’t recommend it unless you are very, very, very serious about waking up to the total truth of who you are.

If you are incredibly hungry for the truth and want to see the your own mind clearly, then it’s worth exploring under expert guidance.

If you participate more than once and welcome her into your life, she will show you more than you can ever imagine. Worlds beyond worlds. Painful and dark truths about yourself, cosmic love, past lives, your childhood, your future. If you work with her on a regular basis, you will potentially accelerate burning through your psychological blocks and other obstacles.

However, she comes at a very high price. Not monetarily. Your personality will suffer and you will see parts of yourself that literally make you vomit. Once she is in your system, there is no where to run or hide and you can’t get out of the experience until the medicine wears off, often 4-8 hours later.

If you resist her, you may feel nothing at all. Your unconscious might be too wiley and defended. Or she will amplify your resistance 100 times and make you feel how painful that is.

Everything you have ever avoided feeling will have to be faced. Everything you pushed down, stuffed. Everyone you have ever hurt, blamed, judged will be felt throughout your entire body.

If you come humbly with great reverence and ask and pray for deep healing, teaching and surrender, you will get what you ask for and then some.

I have never been so generously given to in all my life. Her love is unwavering and as big as all the cosmos combined.

Ayahuasca is a huge part of my spiritual path now. I am not a seeker looking for some one hit wonder that will take away my pain and show me a good time. Nor am I using this sacred medicine to avoid the day-to-day grind of the householder path I am on.

This is nothing like LSD, mushrooms, X, or even peyote. To compare them is simply inappropriate. To call it a drug is disrespect.

So what is it?

What is Ayahuasca?

Ayahuasca is spirit accessed by a South America sacred plant medicine made by shamans that takes days to prepare. They mix two different plants, a vine and a leaf. Once the two plants are combined, DMT ( N,N-dimethyltryptamine) becomes active which gives the hallucinogenic effects. How shamans first discovered this still debated, but it’s obvious to me they spoke to plants and the plants spoke back.

Many folks use the name “grandmother” for this sacred medicine, thus suggesting it has a feminine essence. Traditionally it is known as yagé.  Some refer to ayahuasca as “the vine of death” because of the dying/rebirth process involved. Ayahuasca is considered a spirit that is called into the space by the actual brew and the shamans (see references and links below).

Ayahuasca is used traditionally as spiritual medicine to heal people, gain insight about the land, hunting information, and to receive guidance from the other side.

Ayahuasca as a brew is illegal in all states but two right now because DMT is a  Schedule 1 drug. Under the Religious Freedom Restoration Act, it is gaining momentum as a legitimate religious practice, specifically in the Santo Daime community.

Why is it becoming more popular now?

Why now?

I have no idea, but here are some guesses.

Ayahuasca is gaining more and more credibility in the medical world as a legitimate treatment for addiction. More on that here. Also, just google “ayahuasca addiction treatment” and see what you find.

It is also gaining ground as a legitimate spiritual path for Westerners.  Perhaps folks are tired of the guru’s human limitations. Perhaps with the growing consciousness movement and 2012 predictions, people are hungry for more immediate results and insights that address today’s challenges.

The clients I work with long for meaning and truths beyond books. People are in pain and have tried everything to relieve it or work through it and don’t see results. People are hungry for experiences that show them first hand what is really going on.

Some important words of caution

Ayahuasca used alone without working with your everyday relative reality has the potential of just being another spiritual bypass.  While I cured my sugar addiction with this medicine, it is not a magic bullet for your pain or problems.

Used in conjunction with ongoing integration work, group work, therapy, bodywork and being in a supportive community can further the development that happens in a medicine ceremony.

If your ego development is highly fragmented or fragile, you may run the risk of getting “blown out” and might have a hard time integrating your experience.

For the serious student, ayahuasca is gaining momentum in the States as a legitimate form of healing. It comes with risks. Do your homework and find the right shaman with legitimate credentials and experience.

If you want to see the nature of reality as it really is, I recommend this experience more than once.

References and links

This Wikipedia link is quite extensive and helpful for a big educational overview:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ayahuasca

This post was orginally on the National Geographic website, but is “no longer available.” Interesting. But I found it here:

http://www.arthurmag.com/2009/08/21/excellent-article-on-ayahuasca-in-new-national-geographic/

This is a new movie out in 2010 that looks quite good.

http://www.vineofthesoul.com/

This short vid is worth the watch.

Another interesting video:

And great photo gallery of making the medicine:

http://www.fotopedia.com/wiki/Ayahuasca

Feel free to share your links and personal accounts below!

Life might look different eh?

What if we all put a stick of dynamite under the box most of us have agreed to live in?

What if you had the courage like my friend Alexis to give it all up?

What if rather than pretend everything is “fine” we got super honest and told the truth, admitted we were hungry for more, gave ourselves permission to cut the chord of comfort, complacency, and mediocrity to love deeper, bigger, and tell the whole truth of who we really are?

What if, like my friend Alex, you said “screw the conventional track” and just took a giant step into the unknown? What if, like my bro Dan, you quit a very stable job with good benefits to search and go after work that was much closer to your soul’s calling? What if, like my friend Patrice, you took a sabbatical from a growing entrepreneur business because you weren’t feeling it? And, what if you went the other way and took a high paying job in another country just for six months so you could afford to support your family like my other friend Dan did?

I have countless other examples of clients and friends taking bigger risks from leaving relationships that no longer serve, to starting businesses in the face of massive uncertainty.

What would YOUR life look like if you took bigger risks? What is at stake?

I’m here to help you get very honest about what you really want. Then, once you uncork that, I’m here to help you go for it.

If you are so inspired, here are 4 key ingredients to consider the change.

Truth

As Michael Jackson says, start with the man (or woman) in the mirror. Tell the full truth with yourself. Are you really satisfied with your life? If you know there’s more, what could you be doing about it? What else would you need to leap?

Community

If you make radical shifts in your life and you are alone, more power to you and good luck.

If on the other hand, you want to be “held” through the process and get serious support, no matter how bad it gets, the safest choice is in a supportive community.  We need the mirroring of honest brothers and sisters reminding us to stay true to ourselves and calling us out when we fall asleep or veer off on someone else’s track.

Mentors & Guides

Repeat: If you make radical shifts in your life and you are alone, more power to you and good luck.

Having mentors and guides help us see ourselves more clearly is another way. I feel lost, scared, and confused a lot lately and having a guide I can reach out to and talk openly with on a regular basis is crucial.

Context

Putting our life into a context that makes sense to us can make all the difference.

Sadly, somewhere along the way, most folks fell asleep in their lives and became discouraged from asking the big, meaningful questions. The context of most people’s lives is one they didn’t necessarily choose. The American Dream is the context many of us were raised into, and for most of us that dream is crumbling.

Fortunately a lot of us are getting smarter and realizing we can choose differently.

What if you created your own new, fresh context?

One idea? Knowing your life was shorter than you had planned.

Would that change your perspective?

Have you seen 127 hours yet? If so, you’ll get what I’m talking about here. As with any good nail-biting survival story, the hero faces death directly and as a result has a profound wake up call.

I was speaking to a deep elder in my local community Tom Daly the other day and he woke me up to death. Tom and his wife Jude, lead “One -year-to-live” groups. I have heard of this before and I love the idea.

Until recently, death is something I normally don’t relate to much.  In the United States, the more privilege you have, the less you have to pay attention. In this culture not many folks are very in touch with their mortality.

I live in the Boulder bubble. I could easily fall asleep. Yet, I’m a seeker, a person on a mission to wake up and relax into the truth of existence. That requires relating to death and impermanence on a regular basis and being very honest how and where I spend my time.

In the past, I would do my best to relate to death as much as possible although I didn’t know it at the time. That’s why I have liked extreme sports and serious adventure so much. Especially when I was feeling depressed and shut down in my 20′s. Being out in the wilderness, climbing with no ropes and hitchhiking across Alaska and Central America had me feeling more alive.

For a lot of men (and perhaps women), when they have an intimate relationship with death, they feel more alive. The closer to death you are, the more alive you can feel. Ask any combat soldier. Or any super extreme athlete, mountaineer, sailor, etc. Let’s face it, the way most Americans live is, well, boring.

So, since most of us are not risking our lives in what we do each day, perhaps we could play a game where we had to relate to death more frequently as a way of us feeling more alive and on target.

What if facing an imminent death was your context?

You ever notice how when some folks are diagnosed with cancer or another terrible illness that often their attitude on life changes?

Because when the context changes, many inspired people begin to see things differently and start to make serious changes in how they approach life. They quit their lame job, they take bigger risks, they get clear on what they want and go after it, and they perhaps they even open their heart more.

I think if we all really knew we had six months or a year to live, most of us would make some serious course corrections to our lives.

So, what would be like for you to play a game where you imagine you had six months to live?

Play a New Game

Because when we change the game, we change. And, when we practice with other folks, we strengthen a muscle to do the real thing in the game of our life.

By playing this game, it might light a fire under your pants to do what you’ve always wanted to do. You might start to take a few more risks. You might be willing to put yourself out there and make some mistakes. You might express your love more. You might end that relationship. On and on.

If you want to experiment, go super deep, and have a blast doing it, come join Rick Snyder and I as we spend six months together living more truthfully, honestly, and courageously.

You’ll have the context, the framework, the community, the accountability, and massive support to go for it.

Here’s the link:

http://mensleadershiptraining.com

Six months. Sixteen other men. Serious transformation and a massive dose of laughter.