The pro-porn argument lacks any valid weight, “Hey man, nothing’s wrong with masturbating to hot women, what’s your problem?” Right.

I have nothing against sexuality, masturbation, or sexual aliveness. But porn has co-opted our sexuality and is now dictating the rules of how men and women are supposed to be with each other intimately. And, if I’m not paying attention, porn will teach my son an incredibly narrow form of sexuality.

In my own life, porn was a big distraction. A distraction away from my feelings, my body, and my experience. Along with other “checking out” behaviors, it served to relieve me temporarily from my suffering. Quickly, shame and guilt would settle in, as would more behaviors to hide it all. I was never an “addict.” I never paid for sites or spent hours online. I would get in, get out, then hide. Even still, it felt like shit.

It wasn’t until I was able to talk openly with my male friends about it, that I began to gain some power, control, and choice around the matter.  Through my connections to my male friends, the shame virtually went away and we discovered that nearly 100% of the time, we surfed to avoid something, typically discomfort, pain, or unwanted feelings.

The cost? It took me away from the very thing I wanted — intimacy with Self and other. And that’s what I’d argue it’s doing to the male psyche.

I see male clients who eventually get to their “porn issue” which they have often underestimated as having any impact on their life. Surfing porn in guy culture is very common which is its main justifying argument as to why a man can keep giving himself permission to use. “Hey honey, all guys do it, it’s biology, it’s normal.”

But sooner or later a man will begin to feel the internal or external cost of his porn behavior. It might start out with a lowered sex drive for his partner or wife. Some men will begin to experience some kind of sexual dysfunction such as premature ejaculation, delayed ejaculation, or erectile dysfunction. For other men, it furthers their sense of isolation and moves them further from what they claim they want—more love. For others still, it destroys their marriage and leaves them feeling even more alone. Porn use can have some women feeling pissed, alone and longing for a real man to show up.

One of my former clients shares that he has a really hard time connecting with his real girlfriend’s real body. Another man shares that sex feels dirty, wet, sweaty, and the parts don’t look the same as the videos. He reminds me that actors on a screen have trained him, over and over. So when the real thing comes along, he is challenged. Another guy struggles to get hard and stay hard. His partner is feeling the impact and wondering how to navigate it all. One man prefers the online stuff because the “real thing” is too complicated. Still another man hides his porn use from his wife because it might be a deal breaker.

What is your experience? Comment below please.

Outside my personal opinion and experience is growing research that suggests more porn = more men suffering.  Here are several examples:

*According to Psychology Today, it’s a growing problem for men and their rates of sexual dysfunction are increasing.

*According to this amazing site: http://yourbrainonporn.com/ there is significant impact on the brain and how men train their brain through porn (This site is AMAZING and full of solid resources).

*If you don’t want to spend a ton of time on the above site, the site’s author Gary Wilson wrote a good piece for The Good Men Project’s called: How Porn Can Ruin Your Sex Life and Your Marriage.

*Here’s a good one from Naomi Wolf summing up some of the research on how porn is impacting the male brain called Is Porn Driving Men Crazy?

*Here’s a scary one about the developing adolescent brain. So vulnerable to addiction and heavy porn use. The cost of porn on the adolescent brain.

*Then there’s an interesting project called the Social Cost of Pornography where a group collaborates to publish what looks like a solid book on the subject. http://www.socialcostsofpornography.org

*I found this great article in the Washington Post called The Cost of Growing Up on Porn. The author even finds “research” suggesting that contrary to popular belief, porn isn’t hurting men at all.  He debunks it and reminds us that porn is indeed hurting a lot of us.

*And lastly, since parents (specifically Dads) are or unable or unwilling to educate their sons, most teen boys are learning about sex through porn. The average age boys are exposed to hard core porn is 11. Many get exposed at 8. Once again, we can find the roots of this growing problem in the good ‘ol boy code and bro code. It’s no surprise then that when we don’t teach boys about sex, they’ll learn about it somewhere else.

So, could porn really be killing the male sex drive? For some men, yup. Does Porn have the potential to leave embodied women starving for men who can relate to their real bodies in real time? Probably. Is porn training men to be less and less available lovers? Most likely.

When men are in pain, disconnected from their bodies, and stressed out in their lives, porn offers instant, easy, ongoing relief. Porn is also one of the most accessible, seductive distractions to take a man out of his center. Men and adolescent boys who have rarely ‘worked on themselves’ hardly stand a chance against porn. With few effective tools to engage this fight, a man will often loose. What will he loose? His center, which is the core of his integrity. Shame will fill the void. He will be run by shame and instead of owning it, will posture over it like Beowulf until he chooses to face it.

What is the cost to women? To our children? What happens when we let a money making machine teach us about the most sacred and beautiful part of who we are?

Finally, now that we can begin to see the problem, how will we each address it in our own bodies, homes, and communities?

For men who struggle with porn and are willing to do something about it, I have three simple, but unconventional recommendations amid the hundreds of options out there. I understand this is a very complicated issue and healing this will be different for every man.

1. To start off, Your Brain on Porn offers what appears to be an awesome “rebooting” program to help men wean themselves off porn and begin the journey. But this is only the start. A man must be willing and committed to getting his center back. Like Beowulf, he must choose to slay the dragon he co-created.
2. Connection to Self. In order to get back in his integrity, he will have to occupy his body and learn the way of embodiment. When men are in their bodies and connected to themselves, their heart, and anchored in their center, porn doesn’t stand a chance. Stay tuned for a tele series with me and David Cates as we expand further upon this and offer practices to support.
3. Relationship. When we prefer intimacy on a screen over real human touch, we have certainly gone astray, but given our tech culture and our conditioning, it’s understandable. I’m with Gabor Mate in seeing addiction as a relationship issue, not a biological one. The way out of porn use then, is through relationship. This can mean groups, therapy, attachment work, etc. Bottom line? Very intimate, sensory, real, raw relationships with other real human beings is the way out.

This post is about the mess we are in around male sexuality. I am here to name it and simply put it in the open for all of us to see.

I received ZERO training around sex or my body until age 34. None. My dad dropped the ball as did my culture. My first sexual experience was traumatic. I experienced shame, humiliation and betrayal all in one dark night. This became my imprint that I am still dealing with to this day.

Instead of learning, I went into hiding like most men run by shame. I listened to other peers who were equally immature and confused.

Before I sought out help, I was left adrift, aimlessly trying to be a man with this cosmic sword between my legs. No one ever taught me the profound power my cock could yield. That I could give life or destroy life with its power.

Fortunately for me I now have excellent mentors and friends who are helping me grow up my sexuality and dive into it’s headwaters with open arms.

So how did we get into this mess?

I’m guessing there’s more to the story than this, but I’m naming one GIANT dynamic if not THE dynamic that got us here.

First, let’s acknowledge that some of us (not me) got an amazing, healthy, wise education around sex, our bodies, and our sexuality. Then, let’s acknowledge that there are a good number of people out there that believe we are teaching are kids plenty, even too much, about sex and sexuality.

Leaving it up to the Churches and schools to train our kids about their penises and vaginas and how to use them has gotten us where we are today, ashamed, avoiding, and hoping someone else will teach this complicated stuff for us. If those entities did a great job, we’d be seeing different results.

Because adults have been, by in large, too ashamed or limited in themselves, they have taught our boys a very watered down version of sex education. That’s the best case scenario. It’s either nothing at all or a “birds and the bees” talk in middle school or high school.

Think about what you got in terms of sex ed. I got a health class in 8th grade (in Utah) and then my dad talked to me in High school about wearing a condom. That’s it. That’s all I got.

So, what did I do? I learned from peers (well before high school) who were equally as ashamed, misinformed, and confused.

I was completely and utterly abandoned, as was my father by his father and on and on. I get that it wasn’t his fault. How could he teach me anything about sex given what was taught to him by a Dad who probably never even mentioned it? Generations of betrayal. Generations of neglect and looking the other way, hoping kids would “figure it out” or innocently thinking it would take care of itself.

So, when I think about my own son, I can see the doorway toward “letting him figure it out.” That door is wide open and would be easy for me to just drop the ball and keep the family lineage of abandonment alive.

But I won’t do that. No way. Not in my house. I refuse to let other 4, 5, 6, 7 year old boys teach my son about his sacred body. I refuse to let another kid shaming him while he’s naked or hard core porn be his first sexual experience. I will show up for my son. I’m scared and excited to teach him everything about his beautiful body and its power. I feel inspired to train him to use his penis responsibly. And guess what? My son is 3 years old and needs information now! He is exploring his body right now! Wait until middle school? I don’t think so.

Most of us men received little to no sexual training as boys. We simply learned from other boys. Our first sexual experiences were often either molestation (1 in six boys is sexually abused before age 16), experimentation with ourselves (some kind of masturbation, mostly to porn these days) or other boys (more than one-third of the sexual abuse of America’s children is committed by other minors).

As boys, in order to fit in, we were supposed to make fun of other boys when we were naked. If we were too “good” or too scared to do that, we got quiet and became bystanders hoping some adult would step up and set a boundary. When no one did, we remained silent because speaking up we might have faced ridicule or humiliation.

Anything that resembled being gay or too feminine, we shamed and humiliated in each other and called it “funny.” We were mostly taught that sex is great, but also bad and that masturbation is bad even though it feels good. Hmmm….Our choice? Posture and fake it trying to “be one of the guys,” or go underground with our sexuality and experiment in isolation.

Pile on some confusion…

As teen boys, we taught each other to objectify women and keep score. We were either taught that w0men like strong men that are stoic and hide their vulnerability like any super hero in the movies, or maybe we took the gentleman’s path, (slightly more conservative but still damaging) where we are supposed to take care of women and be “clean” by never masturbating or succumbing to our animal desires, thus being a “good boy.”

If we were gay, or wondered if we were gay, we had no where safe to turn to, no one to ask, no place to explore in a safe way. So, again we isolated and felt shame and guilt. Then we might have played along with the straight boys thus adding more self-abandonment and confusion.

Then we found oursevles in an oversexualized culture where women’s bodies were everywhere for us to gawk at including in video games, TV, magazines, and even in men’s sports. We went to college where our sex drive was through the roof and we sprayed it around like a firehose with no supervision and little consequence. Or we were so confused, we shut down and got quiet. If we wanted to be “one of the guys” we tried to get laid a lot and talked a big game, thinking that might win us friends. If we didn’t take that path, we stayed a quiet bystander letting our brothers off the hook over and over as they objectified and used women over and over again while we may have dug inward for answers alone.

Pile on more confusion….

Of course, then we became adult men (whatever that means), and even though we have the power to seek out a therapist or professional to get help with the confusion and power between our legs, we didn’t. Either because we didn’t even know it was an option, or because we might face ridicule from our peers–more shame and humiliation, all part of the gender straightjacket.

Now that we are officially confused and ashamed about our penis and sex, and live in a culture that supports our dis-embodiment, we find comfort in our disconnection. It’s the new norm. We mask over any whisper of shame or fear so we can fit in with the guys and hope to meet a cool woman that likes us. Then in our isolation, while no one is looking and with the door locked, we find relief–porn. It’s quick, easy, cheap, with an endless variety where we don’t have to deal with the complexities of interpersonal relationship dynamics. We can stay alone and keep it locked away in our inner sanctum. It even gives us temporarily relief from the stress in our lives (post coming shortly on the cost of porn on men).

Whew.

Once again, the boy code has conditioned us into a little, tiny corner where we remain alone, confused, and isolated. Our conditioning is a trap. Be a certain way, and don’t act outside the box. If you do, we will humiliate you. Don’t speak up or intervene, b/c that too is gay, weak, or feminine. So, stay put, stay a bystander, stay in your box.

So this is where we are today

Like it or not, the state of male sexuality in this culture (and probably the world) is that of a sick, neglected, and deeply abandoned child, and we can see the wake of it everywhere in our lives. The way boys treat girls, the way men treat women. The way boys treat boys. The bullying and shame, coercion, and intimidation to be a certain way sexually. The gay jokes, the “small penis” jokes, the “pussy” jokes, the rape, misogyny, misandry,  the violence, Matthew Shepard, Penn State, The Catholic Church, and the shame and self-hatred toward our own bodies.

All taught by who? Boys.

That’s right. We adults have put boys in charge of teaching other boys about the most sacred parts of their bodies. Boys are teaching other boys about sexuality in this culture. And because adults are unable or unwilling to step up, this is the mess we are in.

Wow.

So, this is on the table for us to examine and see clearly. How about we pause and take this all in.

Breathe.

The next question for me is “okay, what do I do about it?”

In my own home, I will take on the responsibility to teach and train my son about his “wee wee” (penis), his body, and his sexuality with unwavering respect and love.

In terms of the global problem, the questions are rolling in. From single moms to new dad’s like me.

It appears that I’m being asked to lead and guide here, so I want to step up. So, stay tuned for solutions such as tele-courses for parents with age specific info and other creative classes. I might also have to start my BoyStrong business sooner, which is a newer, more practical version of the boy scouts which will train young boys to be relationally adept, sexually aware, and open-hearted– little Jedis on the playground who help and inspire other kids.

A couple of years later, I signed up for one of David Deida’s 5-day intensives and got rocked. Then, just last year, I buried the book. Finished. Done. No mas.

I work with men all the time who have read Deida and been served by the book and by his live events. Deida’s a badass for sure. I believe he is solely responsible for bringing men out of the “new age wimp” mentality that was common in the 80’s and 90’s. He started making “men’s work” sexy and compelling.

So, again, praise to the man and his work. Deep bows.

And, it’s time to move on, transcend and include, and get real.

The Deida-Bot

Time and time again I hear friends and clients who dig Deida (otherwise known as Deida-bots) get stuck in his words and concepts.  While I realize that is partly the consumer of his information’s responsibility, it is also partly the black and white teachings around the masculine and feminine that keeps men trapped.

The basic interpretation of Way of the Superior Man goes like this:

Okay, so I have to find a purpose. If I don’t know that I’m supposed to make that my purpose. If I breathe the right way and get in my masculine trustable power, then she will surrender to me. I am supposed to handle her shit storms even if they are abusive. And most importantly, “I’m supposed to fuck her open to God.” Bottom line? I’m supposed to “act masculine” like David Deida says.

This typically takes a man into a pattern of trying harder to get masculinity right. If I don’t do masculinity the way Deida says, I’m not a superior man and I’m probably going to remain at stage 1 or 2. I must not be man enough.

Some women have also become trapped. Their version goes something like this:

“Why won’t he fuck me open to God?” I can’t believe he isn’t man enough to take me and ravish me.  I can’t wait to surrender to him, but he just won’t man up for the task. I’m not sure what’s wrong with him? He’s just too nice. I want him to fuck me and he wants to just talk about his feelings. I better show him I’m mad by screaming at him and challenging his manhood.

The shock and awe of Deida’s live events are quite astounding. Men and women with their clothes on, coming to near orgasm and blowing each other’s minds! Wow. But, anyone who is in a long-term relationship knows the shock and awe is not sustainable.

Sadly, many tantra folks and sexually curious people begin to think what Deida teaches is the norm. Then, when they realize the approach is very challenging to stay with longer than a few months, they begin to think they are doing something wrong, not trying hard enough, and the self-doubt slowly creeps in.

I’m a spiritual dude and have done some serious work on myself. It ain’t happening like that for me in my life. Let’s get real people. Very few of us have mind-blowing sex for years and years on end.

If we are all honest, sex is tricky terrain, particularly in long term relationships. It provokes our deepest wounds and also has the potential to allow us to feel the most cosmic connection on the planet. Factor in children, stress from work, long days, emotional triggers etc, and sex is a crucible.

The Double Bind

Without knowing it, Deida’s work has put men in a double bind. On the one hand, men are supposed to show up fully present and it is their responsibility to “open” their woman. On the other hand, if they decide to become real, truthful, and relax into “being” they face getting blamed wimpy, feminine, or called out (in their men’s group or by their woman) for not being man enough.

Deida’s work is a great eye-opener for a man new to what is possible sexually. Deida is much easier and more fun to read than anyone else writing on the subject thus far. For many of these men, it is a step in the right direction.

Nevertheless, pretty soon and innocently enough, readers of Deida begin to “perform” to get the technique right. These men, believe, like I did, that if I just “do it right” she will surrender just like the book says. Some of these men don’t have a spiritual practice nor do they want to start one. That would be more “work” a man has to do. For some men, it’s just another self-improvement project that you must master to get the love and sexual intimacy you long for.

However, once you settle into a relationship for longer than a year, his words dry up. The concepts begin to feel flat and simplistic. Paired with my actual, lived experience as a new father and husband, Deida comes up increasingly short.

I’m noticing the calcification that has happened around Deida and his teachings that have me bored, disinterested and wanting to do triage on couples and male Deida-bots everywhere.

Moving beyond Deida

But first I am doing triage on myself by working on an entirely different approach to sexuality. With the ongoing mentorship from David Cates of Deep Masculine, one of the trail blazers of conscious sexuality, I am learning a completely different approach to my sexuality.

Accoring to Cates, tantra is dead. He knows the performance trap men get into around sex. Cates’ view is that once we plug into our own bodies from a relaxed place, we can experience sex as new, fresh, cosmic, and sustainable.

I imagine other men and women are teaching a new approach to sexuality. It’s time. Sex is a labyrinth of possibilities. Finding the right guide can make the dance feel a whole lot more doable and sustainable.

Let’s not be complacent about our sex lives, but let’s also be realistic. Sex is yet another vehicle, a mirror, and a path to the love we long for.

What realistic steps are you taking to enhance and deepen your sex life?

Art by Bryce Widom

Most men are locked up and confused sexually.

I am a student when it comes to sex. Sex has brought me incredible shame and unbelievable joy in my life.

Pretty much every guy I have ever talked to about his sex life has been challenged one way or another in the bedroom.

Sex is the most widely googled term. By in large, we are a sexually repressed culture and it leaks out in hypersexualized images everywhere.

Most of us grew up being robbed of a genuine, heartfelt, honest education about sex. Men (and women of course) have received a ridiculous amount of misinformation about sex from boyhood to manhood. Many men remain sexually immature, confused and illiterate. Sex education completely falls short of the what we need to succeed and feel good about ourselves sexually.

As a result, many men are unhappy and ashamed. In addition, with little to no information about the power of sex and the male sex organ, boys and men act out everywhere from rape to every form of sexual abuse and violence. Instead of learning about his erectile dysfunction,  a man can now just take a pill to get a hard on without ever addressing the hidden intelligence of his body’s flaccidity. We remain numb, asleep, angry, hurt, isolated, and very confused about sex.

However, there are pockets of wisdom out there where children, teens and adults can get all the information they need. Brave folks like David Cates are paving the way to help us re-claim the totality of our sexuality. Last year I hired David who is a deep sexual healer (a.k.a. sex coach) to help me. My wife and I were ready to deepen into the next sexual phase of our relationship. Being married with a new baby presents challenges to new parents like us. I was eager to get support from David and learn a new sexual dance and carve out new sexual pathways with my wife.

I have read David Deida, Mantak Chia, the Multi-Orgasmic Male, and other tantric-type books, but all of them have put me further into the “performance game” that most men find themselves in. These teachers have helped a lot of men, but most men just employ the tools without doing any spiritual work, so they lack a solid foundation. The trap is that in order to feel good sexually and get what we want, a man thinks he has to try harder, perform better, “fuck her open to God,” and do it right. He learn tricks, tips, and breathing exercises, in a never ending “project” that requires a ton of work. It’s not too long into this process that many men collapse in frustration.

David Cates, on the other hand, turns this performance game on it’s head. He is teaching me that sex can be effortless. He is teaching me the power of relaxation instead of performance. His teachings are realistic and compassionate toward both parties. I have been so psyched on what I’m learning that I asked David if he’d teach at my leadership training. He did. It rocked. Now, I have asked him yet again to share more of his wisdom in a free conference call.

I strongly suggest you at least sign up for this free call we are doing next Monday the 16th.

After that, if you want to dive in to an amazing 6-week course on the subject of how to get out of the performance game and into a place of “ease” sexually, please join us. And, it’s not what you think, seriously. Click the link to view more about what you will learn…

The Truth is In Your Body, Effortless Sex for a Lifetime

Lastly, it is time we stop keeping sex as this hidden affair. The more we all collude and not share our sexual wounds and victories, the more we let our culture dictate the rules placed upon us so long ago. Let’s talk about sex!

1. What is underneath your porn behavior?

2. What would you have to feel and experience if you stopped jerking off to porn or even fantasy?

3. How can you not only stay in touch with your sexuality in a conscious way without porn, but how can you increase your sexual energy and use it for good?

4. What are the ways in which you let your culture dictate what is sexy, attractive, and a “turn on” to you? What are you going to do about that?

Here is Marc:

Men, let’s face it: We ALL have SOME charge with Pornography. I am not one for making grand sweeping statements like that, but I know that I am definitely not the only guy who tries to innocently peek inside the Adult Stores when the door casually swings open, and I am definitely not the only one who flicks back to the previous channel whilst channel surfing if I think I just saw a tit. However big or small, I am prepared to go on record to say that at least 90% of men have a charge with pornography.

For a little over a decade, I suffered from a devastating addiction to pornography. I have to be honest, it was not an every day occurrence. But for over ten years, I would frequent seedy adult sites, on average, every two weeks. I cried many tears over the years because of this. Why? Because the person I was showing to the world was not the person who would be sat up until 2am some nights looking for more and more intense pornography to satisfy my fix. I was, by all accounts, considered a very sweet and sensitive guy. Random strangers who would talk to me would often report back to my mother “Your son Marc is a lovely kid, so polite, and such a pleasure to have around”. Whenever she would feed back these compliments to me, smiling with that proud mother glow, I faked a smile and felt really awful about myself.

Going out into the world made things even worse. My ability to relate to women was strained, at best. I could not let myself get close to any woman in the way I truly wanted because I was too well-trained at objectifying the feminine for my own personal gratification. Women were objects. Worse, they were sex objects whose God-given purpose was to get me off. I knew this was a lie, but that knowledge would not sink in to the point where I could let go of that way of being.

It all came to the crunch one day when I sat down, armed with a pen and paper and wrote down every single fantasy I had ever had, my favorite images and why they turned me on so much (and what I was thinking when I saw them). I got it all down on paper over the space of two hours, with my face contorted in fits of tears. It was the most devastating, and most intensely healing release I had had in years.

Almost two months later, being clean for the longest time in years, I decided I wanted to help other porn addicts take responsibility for their porn addiction and start to get clear on what their feelings meant and what was even possible for them once they had let go of their addiction.

I have been a long-time spiritual seeker (hell, it was the only thing I thought to do when I realized I had to kill this addiction). Telling my friends was a difficult thing to do and yet as I started to share with some how much I had suffered, I remember a few years ago hearing some fans of David Deida’s work say they used pornography as practice to open to what was occurring – An Appreciation Practice! Looking into the spiritual and personal development community over the last few years, I started to see what I can only describe as a lot of spiritual white-washing and a lot of very standard ideas like “Porn is fine, stop beating yourself up about it, just watch and enjoy it” seep into online forum posts by people who wanted to bring it up as a serious discussion. Honestly, I saw this as being the most irresponsible way of brushing the entire issue under the carpet, with an issue as large as pornography.

Over time I gave this more thought. As of a month ago, after an engulfing pit in my stomach after beating off, I decided to stop masturbating altogether. Why? Because I started to wonder: What kind of aliveness am I missing out on if I have to beat the bishop every time an uncomfortable sensation arises? A few days after I decided to stop masturbating, I sat in my car going out of my MIND. Thanks to a daily meditation practice and a long traffic jam that morning, I had time to realize that this had nothing to do with “normal human sexual urges” but was me not being able to integrate something. I have recently started my own coaching program The Clearing via my own site and had been experiencing fear of putting it out there for all to see – and had subsequently sexualized that feeling to give myself a way not to fully experience that fear. As I sat in my car that morning, realizing that I was only trying to escape my own personal aliveness allowed these feelings wash over me like water off a dove’s back. Since that morning, I have had very little desire to choke the monkey.

Our society has been trained to sexualize almost every uncomfortable sensation possible. We are told it is normal to “clean the pipes” before going out on a date so that we can “relax”. We are also told that using pornography can be a healthy part of any relationship. What if those of us who have used pornography are actually missing out on “enjoying and playing with” that nervous sensation we ALL get on a date, and what if instead of substituting intimacy with our partner for pornography (does she REALLY want to watch porn with you, or is she just feeling helpless as to how to resolve the lack of intimacy?) were to allow us to experience a kind of intimacy that would open our hearts beyond what we thought possible.

So my question to you is: What is your relationship to pornography? And if you use pornography (however infrequently), if you were to treat these sensations as a point of inquiry, where do you see yourself completely missing the larger point of what the sensation is trying to teach you. As far as I’m concerned, beating off to porn is not a good strategy for living the life we love, and yet we tolerate it more than I think we should.

Marc Quinn is a late-bloomer with a heart that has never steered him wrong. He has engaged in men’s work of various kinds over the last 3-4 years and considers himself “the guy who likes to talk about things people don’t like to bring up”. His web site My Porn Addiction Story was launched a few months ago, for guys and girls who find it difficult to give up pornography, after he saw that most of the advice on Google was “crap”. He is intent on having more conversations about pornography by making them engaging, funny, and down-to-earth whilst providing people with the means to see their addiction as a container for immense personal growth. He often likes to sing “The Power of Love” by Jennifer Rush on full volume while he works.

Art by Paul Kagan

I was tagged in a note recently by a new Facebook friend, Jennifer. The topic intrigued me as I have been exploring a lot around sexuality lately. Of course, I have not mentioned sex much to my blog readers, thus buying into more secrecy, shame, and “it’s personal” crap.  Jennifer, through the below note, and without knowing it, lovingly called me out and invited me to share more on the topic of sex and sexuality. So stay tuned…

I am still very much in process around sex and sexuality. The “old me” believed you teach something when you have it mastered, not when you are immersed in the learning process yourself (I know, more crap, nice story).

The timing could not be more perfect as I have been working with a sexual healer to deepen my sexuality with myself and my wife. I hired the same man to come to my leadership training this weekend to serve my brothers in the training. I’ll be sharing more personally soon.  So, THANK YOU Jennifer! Your note will be the first sexuality post of many to come.

One more thing: I’m with Jennifer–Let’s lift the veil and start to heal and reclaim our sexuality and our sexual power by talking openly about it with one another.  It is time.

Here’s Jennifer:

Hello Friends (some new and some old)

This is a blog post I just wrote and I am debating actually posting it, but I am inspired to share it with all of you… some of you I don’t know and have not really conversed with, however, I value what it is that you are doing on this planet and wanted to include you in this conversation…

thank you for taking the time to read this post pertaining to human sexuality!

The following is the blog post…

This is up for me right now… so I want to talk about it. I am usually talking about birth and motherhood, and yet, what I really want to talk about is sex!

I am a mother of three children, in a partnership of 12 years (constantly evolving and stretching the boundaries of the meaning of relationships – another blog), and I am a sexual human who has been terrified to fully claim this power.

However, I know that by choosing to keep my sexual energy at bay, locked away because of shame and lack of trust, that I am missing out on the pulse of the lifeforce – the ecstasy that is constantly available and flowing and uniting, at all times.

Lately I have been known to say that everything is sexual, sacred, and sensual. The three S’s… A stimulating conversation, a tantalizing diner with friends, a powerful yoga session, a good fuck, a bubble bath, the trance of dance, listening to music, being touched and touching, breast feeding, giving birth, writing, you name it, it is sexual.

Ahhh, what a crazy notion that when you are present in the moment of life, when you are merging with all that is, when you are love and loving, and when you are in connection – you are experiencing your sexual life force, you are One.

So tell me, since many are ashamed of this energy, this sensation, this pulse and since we have been shamed, wounded, and now guarded, how are we supposed to heal ourselves, others, and the planet? (women’s shame is different than men’s shame – but shame there is)

Does it not make sense that we have a fucked up culture because we are terrified of claiming this natural essence, we lack trust in ourselves and others, and we are wrong or bad for actually being ecstatic with life and in the presence of others.

When we do this, we turn our sexual nature into our shadow self and it sneaks out the back door and we all know what that looks like? I am pissed off at our current cultural trends of trying to make everything sexy – just look at media – and yet, we send the message out to the young and old, that you are not allowed nor encouraged to act on those urges!

Ok, here is a thought… We can’t heal the earth if we can’t even treat our own earthly bodies with love and respect. If we can’t honor the sexuality and sensuality of our own body and if we are ashamed of it, than of course we are going to continue to rape the great Mother Earth, of course we are not going to allow ourselves to feel the eros of the planet – the love force.

If we did, what do you think would happen? Well we might actually make different choices, we would treat the Mother Earth like our Lover – with deep respect, regard, affection, attention, care, and Love. What a concept!

But then again, what do I know. I am only tapping into this great force, this need to respect and honor this brilliant energy that provides the Self and the Cosmos and the Other with great pleasure. Deconstructing years of cultural imprinting that states, be sexual and sexy but don’t LIKE IT. Especially as a mother, a wife, a partner, a lover etc. And if you do like it and want to tap into that energy well, it is dark, dangerous, scary, and dirty. Time to lift the veil and start reclaiming ourselves as a whole sexual expression of a human that we are. With that comes great honor and responsibility to use this power wisely.

I believe that if we are taught to honor this sexual life force, we will honor the other. In honor we cannot wound. We cannot misuse. When we are taught to use this power wisely and with consciousness, we seek different choices.

We see ecstasy, instead of pain. We see love and nurture instead of disrespect and abuse. We see healing instead of wounding. We see passion and creativity and change, instead of depression, lack of empathy, and lethargy. We see a dance, a human dance, that embraces the essence of life in gratitude to experience what it truly means to be Human.

And so it is…

Thank you for listening, I would love to hear your thoughts…

Jennifer

Jennifer Summerfeldt, a mother of three, has been immersed in the studies of holistic health, pregnancy, birth, & midwifery, for the past decade. She has a strong motivation to understand the mystical and spiritual nature of life.  She is a certified Doula with a diploma in Holistic Nutrition and a degree in Physical Activity & Sport Studies. She has interned in birth centres both in Mexico & Texas.  She has been involved in a  five year spiritual mentorship with her teacher Whapio Diane Bartlett. Along this path, Jennifer has taken a great interest in holding space for individuals and groups to go deep, drop the ego, and be vulnerable with one another… when this happens, transformation occurs.  She is interested in a variety of subjects including: Human sexuality, Divine Masculine & Feminine, Group Council & Circle work, Integral Living, Human Potential, and of course Birth (of life and of one’s soul). To learn more about Jennifer’s path click on the following link: http://www.holdthepromise.com/about.php , and she can be contacted at  holdthepromise@gmail.com

BLOG: www.womenfreebirth.wordpress.com
GROUP DYNAMICS: www.holdthepromise.com
BIRTH SERVICES: www.earthmotherbirth.org
CLASSES: www.onlinechildbirthclasses.org

Photo by Josh Levin

In my humble opinion radical personal development has one powerful process and its core.

Knowing and living this one gem can be the difference between the relentless self-improvement project and experiencing true joy, abundance, and fulfillment, especially for men who are habitually geared toward “improving” and “being better.”

So, what is this process?

LOVE.

That’s right. Love in every form. From self-love, to loving others, and even loving things.

“Loving” is the process by which we transform, evolve and open to greater and greater aspects of ourselves. Typically the process of loving happens within the context of relationships, a major pain and pleasure experience for most men.

If you are a normal man, you have struggled in the realm of relationships. Perhaps you have had your heart broken, been betrayed, or maybe you have experienced great pain in losing a loved one.

Love shows up in our “relationship” to family, friends, pets, co-workers, race, politics, money, the environment, and of course, our relationship to ourselves. And, like most men, you might attempt to tackle your relationship problems with more doing, acheiving, trying harder, and more problem solving. But if you desire more fulfilling relationships, try setting aside your current masculine approach and lean into loving as your “way.”

If amazing relationships are your destination, loving (adjective and verb) is the path to get there.

Pour genuine love into just about any kind of relationship and you will get results you were not getting before. Learn how to open your heart in your relationships and your relationships will evolve and deepen. Give some love to yourself and you will find over time that your personal blocks, issues, and challenges transform. Love your demons, your fear, and the parts of yourself you don’t like and something powerful begins to occur. Love is what transforms your judgments of others (which are disowned judgments of yourself) into acceptance.

I’m here to purport that love is the greatest medicine in personal and spiritual development.

As Carl Jung says,

“Love is the dynamism that most infallibly

brings the unconscious to the light.”

Try it on that you are either opening to love or contracting away from love. Anything else is an ego-building project. More status, money, fame, power, are all just another ego trip.

Love is who you are at the most fundamental level. It is the main food you survived on during infancy and childhood, and the teaching you likely delivered to your parents during that precious time.

This concept is something I thought I understood for years. I remember when I was 21 listening to the Samples song about loving myself. It made sense. In that moment I realized I kinda loved myself. Looking back, I had no idea about what that really meant or what was possible with love. I had layers upon layers of self-protection that were unconscious to me and I was pretty unhappy.

If I am honest with myself, I spend most of my time in subtle levels of contraction. However, slowly over time that is shifting. Parenting, my men’s group, my marriage, and my life keep pointing me toward greater love. As any of you parents know, a new baby in your life can crack the dam open pretty wide. It continues to crack, some days it bursts open and my love comes ripping out like a mountain torrent. Other days my love is just a trickle, and some moments, my love is well hidden far behind the dam, which, in those moments seems impenetrable.

Loving is changing how I work with people and the view I take on the personal development path. I know there is an endless well of depth and profundity to me experiencing love. I’m suggesting the same for you.

So, I’m here to challenge you to join me in opening to greater and greater love in the context of your relationships and your life. Why not? What do you have to loose? Think about a world where you and others exuded love most waking hours?

To me opening one’s heart is the hardest practice of all. Much harder than climbing big peaks, going to med school (so I’ve been told), being lost in the wilderness, or even starting a business. A man’s relationship to his work, his family, his partner, his guy friends, and his environment can all be enhanced with serious and frequent doses of love.

Since, loving might just be the hardest practice, here are some basic tips to love more and more.

First, get honest and think of your relationship to love. How much do you feel love? Do you know what it feels like? What is more of an edge for you– giving or receiving love? Big picture in life and with your intimate partner or lover.  For many men receiving love is a much steeper path. Receiving love is largely a feminine process and most guys are simply not in touch with the feminine aspect of themselves. I struggle with both but my greater challenge is in receiving love.

Here are some signs that you could use some help receiving love:

• You always have to be “on top” during sex.
• You are great and helping others and being there for friends, but you never ask for, or need, help.
• You blow off compliments and affirmations with a compliment back, without first taking a breath and letting what the person said sink in and impact you.
• You like to be in control and be the leader.
• You have a hard time relaxing and doing nothing.

Signs that you are challenged by giving love:

• You resist giving a genuine compliment to a co-worker, lover, or friend.
• You hoard things in your life such as money.
• You are territorial
• You say things to yourself like “I am not going to drop the “L bomb” on her until I really feel it.
• You withhold your love for the “right relationship.”
• You judge, hate, blame, shame, and make fun of others.
• You believe that gays are bad, criminals should be locked up forever or killed, and you think anyone who doesn’t believe what you believe is going to hell.
• You see giving your love as someone potentially taking something from you.

Now, on to the practices.

I am practicing most of these daily. I suggest that you choose the ones that fit you and your life.

Warning: Only do these if you want to experience more love in your life. If you prefer contraction, being shut down, or have a stronger allegiance to your fear, please skip these practices and see if you can genuinely love where you are at instead of judging yourself. Seriously.

Practices toward greater love

1. Practice connecting to your own love. Close your eyes, meditate, relax and breathe into your heart. Imagine someone (or something) you love deeply. See if you can feel the love in your body, not just think about the concept. What does it feel like and where do you feel it? Can you expand it?

2. Live love daily. Commit to showing at least one person love every day. Strangers, friends, co-workers, and even yourself.

• Self-love. Stand in front of a mirror. Talk to that guy in the mirror and let him know by saying things like “I accept you” or “what I love about you is…”
• Love others. When you are at the store, a coffee shop, an elevator, or in your building at work, just make someone’s day by opening to them and loving them. Tell them directly what you appreciate about them in that moment, or show them with your body language and your smile without saying a word.
• Notice when you showing love is genuine, forced, or faked. All are find, but notice the difference and what it takes to drop in to a genuine expression of love. Faking it helps you see where you are holding back.
• Find an accountability partner. Send your accountability partner a text message every night, letting them know you showed love to someone that day. If you forgot, or didn’t do it, practice in the mirror, or, directly with them via text by letting them know you love them. Send a TM that reads one word: love.

3. Express gratitude. Do this verbally with someone or in your journal every day. Use a service such as gratitude log or just let yourself know 3 things you are grateful for prior to going to bed. “I am grateful for A, B, and C.”

4. Set the tone every morning. Every morning for 10 minutes do practice one and commit to love today. Choose love over stress, being grumpy, or complaining.

5. Own your fear and contraction. Remember that we are either opening to love or closing down to it (fear). Own your fear, own how comfortable you are in judgment and contraction.

6. Make a list of everything you get by keeping your heart closed and withholding your love. Share it with another man.

One of the first things you might notice by doing these practices, is that you will begin to bring awareness to how often you are closed down. No need to judge this, just open to the truth of your experience and love that.

Now, why the hell would you do this daily? Well, simply because most of us claim we want to feel better, be happier, be more at peace, or experience more love in our life. If this is true for you, I challenge you to commit to this for 1 month and see what happens. Find another man to do this with. Why another man? Because it is harder of course. Okay fine, a woman friend is good, but at some point, man up with another man and practice together. As my mentor David Cates likes to say, “If a man can’t love other men, he can’t love the man in himself.”

And finally as Pema Chodron says so eloquently:

“If your everyday practice is to open to all your emotions, to all the poeple you meet, to all the situations you encounter, without closing down, trusting that you can do that–then that will take you as far as you can go. And then you’ll understand all the teachings that anyone has ever taught.”

Stay tuned for part 2 of this post in a few days when we discuss how the yoga of self-acceptance might impact a guy like you.

For now, let’s here your thoughts.

The other day I sent out a call for feedback for men everywhere (Stay tuned…). My request was for one sentence from anyone and everyone. Interesting that several women completely disregarded the “one sentence” rule and just went for it.

Here is one poignant example from my friend Nomali who wrote to us men exquisitely. She came up with her own introduction to it. I have not edited a thing and have received her permission to post it. I was deeply inspired upon reading her note and feel as though it may serve you. Thank you Nomali!

Notice yourself as you read this. Are you skeptical? Do you allow her words to penetrate you? Do you contract because of you are afraid to let her in? Does the spiritual tone sound too much for you? Or are you grateful for a woman that shares her vulnerability with you? What would it feel like for a woman to actually speak to you in this manner?

If you are a man hungry for more in intimacy and relationship, let this be a love letter beckoning you to show up and go deeper.

Painting My Lover: Men – Women – Me – You – Who?

by Nomali Perera

Crazy-ass long mad thing I suddenly found myself writing after I saw a posting by Jayson Gaddis of “Revolutionary Man” (What Is Your Constructive Feedback For MEN? – http://tinyurl.com/yh46lyj). This is waaaaay too long for what Jayson Gaddis is looking for. I mostly just found myself writing more about myself than men and so, this is just my note. And please know that this is MY letter. I am not speaking for other women. I am also not directing this at any one man. And sometimes I am guilty of what I complain about. I know it and am honest about it. Why did I really have all this gushing out of me? I have no idea. Maybe just because I am a woman. And sometimes, I just shamelessly gush.

————————–

Easy.

He, like you and me, is human. And it just goes to demonstrate that you can have all the money in the world and be famous beyond belief and still have many, many issues that you would rather no one know about. Tiger Woods having one or more affairs behind his wife’s back is no surprise.

From John Edwards to Martin Luther King Jr, no one is above relationship challenges.  No one is above the human condition. That’s the good news for all you men out there who think you can act perfect and hide your issues.

If you are in a long term relationship or married, you realize that challenge is simply part of the terrain. You also realize that if you want a dynamic relationship, you must face the challenges and invite change. If you have kids you know that challenges increase and change is even more inevitable. Any new father knows that life becomes radically different when a child enters the equation.

As a new Dad, I personally have faced some big challenges such as sleepless nights, money issues, and the onslaught of soiled diapers. But as a new parent, the biggest of challenges have come in my relationship with myself and with my wife.

My wife and I work very hard on our relationship and are committed to evolving and growing. Our marriage vows serve our individual needs and aspirations toward this unfolding process. Why? So, we don’t slip into a comfortable, mediocre, business relationship where we just co-parent and act like roommates.

The roommate trap

While I doubt Tiger Woods fell into being “roommates” with his partner due to his rigorous schedule, I’m sure they fell into some dynamic that allowed both of them to avoid their connection and whatever was “in the way” of them getting real and getting honest.

Men who do not attend rigorously to their marriage will eventually settle into a complacent relationship wherein both parties stop growing and agree to play it safe.

Add a new kid into the family, and the temptation to put your relationship on the back-burner steadily grows. A new child is very demanding and needs full attention from one or both parents. But to use my kid as the reason I am not close with my wife is a cop out. If a couple continues to use this excuse, the gap between them will continue to widen.

I recently read a great article in the New York Times about a couple, with two young kids, who finally decided after nine years of “good” marriage to deepen and make it better by going to therapy and workshops. The wife had sensed much more was possible. The husband was pretty ambivalent at first but went along with it.

In their “good” relationship, the husband focused all his attention on becoming a master chef at home, spending hours and hours in the kitchen while the wife tended to the bills and kids. They didn’t outwardly agree to this, it just happened over time. As the husband got honest, he realized cooking was his way to avoid his wife, their intimacy, and his own discomfort in the marriage. She discovered she was avoiding also by attending to her “role.”

They also discovered that the way they related was serving a function– their sarcasm with one another was “protecting uncomfortable feelings” and stifling their intimacy.

It seems commonplace that over time, new parents unconsciously and quietly agree to be co-parents, pals, and roomies, thus staving off any juicy intimacy that might be possible otherwise. The classic example that is still quite common is that Dad settles into “worker, provider guy” and Mom settles into stay-at-home-Mom.

Within and beyond your roles, how good is your marriage really? Ask yourself what kind of long-term partnership do you want? If you are honest with yourself, are you going as deep as you could go? Have you ever fully revealed yourself to your partner? How much do you hold back in the bedroom? Are you using your new child(ren) as a way to avoid your wife and avoid deepening with her?

Is Cheating Inevitable?

What really happens to the intimacy when a new kid arrives? Is cheating common? What is it that really makes a man cheat on his wife? What is really going on here? If blame can’t be placed on the new child, then who is responsible?

Just the other day, I went to a friend’s place to help him and his wife dialogue about their struggling marriage. Their child is 3 and they continue to have big relationship challenges. My friends are choosing the seemingly steep climb to greater depth and connection. Honest couples get honest about what is going on and work with it. This takes tremendous courage and a willingness to tell the truth. Most couples avoid, avoid, avoid.

I work with many men who have cheated, some openly, others secretly. Most have huge shame and carry enormous guilt about it, even while continuing to do it.

First, try it on that cheating is always a symptom of something going on underneath the surface.

According to Gary Neuman who wrote The Truth About Cheating, “cheating rarely has anything to do with the woman being unattractive.” In fact, according to Gary Neuman 88% of the men he interviewed for his book said that the other woman “wasn’t better looking or in better shape than their wives.”

I mention this because a lot of men might initially place blame on their wife. She isn’t X enough or she’s so Y.

So, what is cheating?

Wikipedia defines Cheating as

“an act of lying, deception, fraud, trickery, imposture, or imposition. Cheating characteristically is employed to create an unfair advantage, usually in one’s own interest, and often at the expense of others,[1]”

In the case of a marriage or monogamous relationship, cheating is leaking your energy elsewhere. A lot of men will justify “leaky” behavior as “I’m just flirting.” or “I didn’t sleep with her, so it’s fine.” But you have to be really, really honest with yourself.

Cheating can be emotional, energetic, or physical.

For example, years ago I had an emotional affair with another woman. At the time it felt innocent and like it was no big deal. And when my girlfriend at the time sniffed it out, I tried to downplay it and move on. Later after receiving some hard feedback from trusted men in my men’s group and a gifted therapist, I owned up to the fact that I had in fact crossed a line and betrayed her.

I discovered that I was angry at my girlfriend and felt judged by her. So, by having an emotional affair and leaking with this other woman, I could indirectly say “fuck you” to my girlfriend because deep down I was hurt.

So, an emotional affair is where you might lean on another woman for support to discuss your relationship challenges. Women often seem safer than men to discuss relationship stuff. Men often go to a female co-worker or friend to vent (another great reason to have solid man friends and a men’s group).

A physical affair is quite obvious and involves physical contact with another woman where there is some sexual charge. Kissing, intercourse, oral sex, long leaky hugs, etc.

An energetic affair can be where you fish for flirting situations. You leak out your interest or see if another woman is interested just passing by at the airport, coffee shop, or bar. You might even use the internet to leak out your sexual energy by cruising someone’s facebook profile or surfing porn.  An online or in-person energetic affair can eventually lead to an emotional or physical affair.

Now, this is not to say a guy doesn’t “look” and can’t “look.” But to me that is different. It’s all in your intention and where your awareness is going. If you have a solid relationship, then any kind of “checking someone out” is going to be a lot less harmful or threatening. But if your relationship is built upon a shaky foundation, any instance where you leak your sexual energy out is an invitation for a fight and hurt feelings.

According to Neuman’s research:

• 1 in 2.7 men will cheat, and most of their wives will never find about it.
• 92% of men say that affairs aren’t primarily about sex.

Yikes! But why?

Why do Guys Cheat?

According to marriage counselor Gary Neuman, men cheat because of:

• Loneliness in their relationship or marriage.
• Affirmation from “the other women.”
• Not enough attention at home.

I would add that new Dads might cheat because of:

• Fear. Fear of intimacy, fear of failure, fear of being seen, fear of being hurt. Fear of hurting your partner.
• Anger. Unowned, unexpressed anger about some issue in the relationship
• Disconnection. Feeling no or little connection.
• Irritability with oneself and one’s situation
• Sexually frustrated. Perhaps your wife doesn’t find you attractive or refuses to have sex with you. Pretty soon, you might start looking elsewhere instead of dealing with the issue.
• Feeling left out. Some new dads report feeling “left out” because Mom and newborn are bonding so much. Dad starts to feel ignored and neglected.

Sadly Neuman says that “The number one reason men cheat is that there’s an emotional disconnection in the relationship. Husbands or partners feel underappreciated, and report a lack of thoughtful gestures. They’re lonely in their marriage.”

Here’s the deal. If you are unhappy in your marriage or your relationship, get off your ass and do something about it. If you are “underappreciated” or “disconnected” then get connected, get in the game. Stop waiting for your wife or partner to make the first move. Stop complaining and playing the victim. Take full responsibility today or you might end up with your tail between your legs like Tiger.

The only reason I have ever cheated on any girlfriend or had “emotional affairs,” was because something was “off” in the relationship and in myself and I was unwilling (and scared shitless) to address it.

The issue is quite simple. There is a relationship challenge or obstacle, and guys who cheat don’t want to address it, face it, or confront it. They would rather emotionally and physically “exit” the relationship. They “leak” energy outside the monogamous relationship.

So, why did Tiger Woods cheat?

It’s anybody’s guess, but in my eyes, he was obviously scared to address some issues before things got out of hand.

To me cheating is not the issue. Remember it’s a symptom. What set this behavior off? What was it that Tiger was feeling, experiencing, and wanting that he did not speak to? What was he so afraid of?

Tiger still has a real opportunity to “teach” his new children about love and about the challenges of relationship. But sadly, I don’t trust him to do that. He doesn’t have to. He can just keep playing golf, making great cash and people will likely forgive him. But most of us are not Tiger.

It’s time for men to Man Up

Remember this is not about staying together or acting “good.” Religious approaches to staying married simply don’t work. This is about getting real and being willing to tell the truth, no matter how painful to yourself first, then your partner.

When I work with couples, it is often the woman who drags the man into counseling or relationship coaching. This is sad but generally true. Why? Dudes don’t want to admit that they struggle or that something is wrong.

How could such a champion be so incompetent in relationship? Well, relationship is a lot more challenging for Tiger than golf. It is humbling for us to see such a champion brought to his knees and reveal his inadequacies and shame. Remember, he’s human like you and me.

I doubt Tiger will make a vow to be as good at relationship as he is at golf. But you can. If you still have something to learn about relationship and intimacy, practice being a student, take some classes, get some coaching and learn.

It is possible to have an amazing marriage and relationship. It took my wife and I about four years of intense counseling, coaching, mentoring to get to a place of profound intimacy. We hit a plateau and now we both want to go further. So, we are diving in and being students again, learning, opening, and making space for the magic of our connection to penetrate us both.

Relationship is an ever changing sea of chaos, uncertainty, love, pain, loss, and intensity. That is, if you engage it fully.

What to do?

So, if you are in a struggling or challenging marriage or relationship and you genuinely want it to be different, do something about it. Or, if you are in a good marriage, but know there can be more spark, more juicy sex, more profound love, get off the couch and take full responsibility for going after what you want.  Don’t pretend like you have your marriage handled if you don’t.

• Stay focused on your own growth and change. Do your own individual work. If your partner won’t agree to seek help, just work on accepting that and work to change yourself. Don’t get sucked into trying to fix your partner.
• Get professional help. I mean really good professional help. There are so many crappy relationship therapists, counselors, and coaches out there. Find one you instantly trust and feel safe with. It’s okay to ask for help. It’s okay to ask for help. It’s okay to ask for help.
• Get feedback from trusted friends and your men’s group. I’m not talking about friends who give lame advice. I’m talking about friends who have no agenda for you, save you being true and honest with yourself.
• If your relationship is going well, celebrate it–regularly!!
• If you divorce or leave the relationship please know and understand that your issues will follow you. You will find yourself in a similar situation unless YOU change. Try it on that you are the person with the relationship issue. That’s the good news. Knowing this gives you the freedom to do something about it.

The book I've had since 2003

Ever heard of the punk band “Kill Your Idols?” I love their name.  To me it speaks to how we need to differentiate from our teachers otherwise our view of them can become an impediment, or an obstacle that gets in the way of our own waking up process.

This concept or “teaching” is not new. There is even a website called Kill the Buddha after a well known Zen saying. This site sums up the concept here:

The idea of “killing the Buddha” comes from a famous Zen line, the context of which is easy to imagine: After years on his cushion, a monk has what he believes is a breakthrough: a glimpse of nirvana, the Buddhamind, the big pay-off. Reporting the experience to his master, however, he is informed that what has happened is par for the course, nothing special, maybe even damaging to his pursuit. And then the master gives the student dismaying advice: If you meet the Buddha, he says, kill him.

Why kill the Buddha? Because the Buddha you meet is not the true Buddha, but an expression of your longing. If this Buddha is not killed he will only stand in your way.

So, it is with mixed emotions, some fear, and some excitement that I share an important download I recently received.

Evolving men everywhere refer to the book Way of the Superior Man as the guidepost–a great read for any man wanting to step up his game. It was for me.

Originally I was disturbed by the arrogant title and I put off reading for over a year. Then, it kept getting mentioned so I acquiesced, bought it, and have referred to it for years.

I even joined a “Deida-style” men’s group based around the book. I recommended the book to dozens of men. I even attended his 5-day sexuality and spirituality intensive with David in New York. It rocked my world.

So, for the past six years David Deida’s book Way of the Superior Man has been a real authority for me on men, the masculine, and men/women dynamics. That is, until now.

It’s time for me to bury the book and declare this:

I am done with Way of the Superior Man. I milked this sucker for years and gleaned a lot. The teachings that resonate for me are in me now and I walk forward with them in my own way.

And now, I am burying the book and writing my own. A new men’s personal evolution book is long overdue. So, out with the old and in with the new. Stay tuned for it in 2010.

Thank you Way Of The Superior Man for your wisdom, love, truth, penetration, and insight. And thank you David Deida for writing a revolutionary book that continues to impact thousands of men everywhere. You taught me a great deal. I lay you to rest and bid you many blessings.

With love and respect,

Jayson

p.s. Watch my book burying ritual here.

Am I recommending this approach? Only if you continue to put people or books “above you” and your own inner authority after you have thoroughly digested and integrated their system or teachings.

In the beginning, when we meet an important teacher or mentor, or read a powerful book, it is appropriate to “look up to,” aspire, and consume the material deeply as any devoted student might.

But a lot of folks just don’t move on. They continue to have a bit of “hero worship” thus disempowering their own journey. So long as you do this, it is unlikely you’ll be able to step into who you need to become.

At a certain point, you need to flap your own wings and fly.

As always, seek out mentors, teachers and things that inspire you. Then, think for yourself, and trust your own inner authority.