I want to invite you along as I explore what is really possible for men who want to transform their lives.

If I say to you “Join me in finding out more about what is wrong in your life and your world!” What does the quality of this question feel like? Contraction.

If, on the other hand I say to you, “Join me in creating an inspiring, conscious community of men who will have a huge impact on their own lives and lives of others!” What does this feel like? Expansion.

Take note of your own life. When you want something to be different or you want others to join your cause, what approach are you taking? One of contraction or expansion? Are you approaching a life-change with visionary possibility? Or are you fault-finding and complaining about what’s not working?

Please watch this short 2 minute video for more on this.

It feels great to invite you all into what is possible. And, stay tuned for a huge offer that will invite you further toward what is possible in your own life.

Consider this shift permanent.

Jayson

When I was a teen, I lived a pretty easy life so it wasn’t until I was in my early 20′s that I started taking stupid risks and pushing my limits, unconsciously attempting to find the truth, some grain of evidence that about my life’s purpose or the meaning of it all. I did a lot of drugs, drank a lot and pissed many people off along the way.

Had I had a male mentor to check in with, to consult with and to seek wisdom from, perhaps I would have avoided many pitfalls. Not only that, it is possible I would have come into my own sooner as opposed to later, thus serving more people earlier.

At some point on the human journey, boys are supposed to become men. In our culture, we don’t do anything to honor, acknowledge and promote this huge transition. As a result, grown men remain boys even though they look like men.

What would your teenage son be like if he had a male mentor, leading him through a challenging ordeal and giving him course corrections now and again, letting him fall down when appropriate, and mostly “holding space” for him as he heads out on his journey of self-discovery.

The price tag for no mentor, no initiation? One such possibility here. Please read. This is key to know.

You can listen to an interview and learn more about why a rite of passage is so critical here.

There are many resources for your son out there. Here are a few:

Boys to Men

School of Lost Borders, California

Sacred Passages, Colorado

Animas Valley Institute, Colorado

The Wilderness Within, California

My only issue with many of these programs is that the journeys are very short, even a month-long program is wonderful, but my professional bias is that your son needs at least a year-long program. Sorry, but a month-long Outward Bound course ain’t going to cut it either.

Stay tuned as I’m working on it. No such program exists currently.

Three more important articles on the subject here:

Into the Wild

The Problem with Grown Men

men-and-hazing

As many of you know, I am always on the lookout for men who inspire me. Men that challenge the status quo. Men who stand up for the truth and are advocates for social justice and human dignity.  Men that move beyond blame. Michael Franti is such a man. To me, he is a freedom fighter.

I’m on a mission to interview this guy so we can all learn from his courage.

I first heard of him from my old roomate Rose. She described to me how  after each show Franti leaves the stage and walks around hugging everyone in the audience. I didn’t end up seeing him until four years later. And sure enough, after an amazing inspiring performance at the Fillmore in Denver, and proceeds to hug everyone around him.

I love his music. It does inspire me deeply. But more than that, I love and respect what this man stands for. He is not afraid to speak out and put himself in harms way to deliver a message and ask intelligent questions.

“When I first started out, I think that my politics could be boiled down to `Fuck The System’ or `Fuck the Man,’” Franti says. “When you’re coming of age, you’re desperate to change the world, but you have no idea how to actually do it. It takes time to discover that just complaining about the world is not enough. You have to do some affirmative.”

I can really relate to Franti because as a young man I too wanted to rebel against it all and at a certain point, my complaints went unheard and unanswered. I had to grow up but found out I can rebel with respect and intelligence. Hence the Revolutionary Man Project. Inspiring men to take action and rise above our differences.

Here are a few excerpt from his website about him.

“… What’s most impressive about Michael Franti as a recording artist and live performer is his ability to inspire. Ultimately, the heartfelt music that Franti makes and his dedication to greater understanding on a global level, are not two aspects of his life, but very much one and the same.

“Increasingly over my life, I have less interest in being part of the fighting between parties. I’m interested in bringing people together on the left and the right, to face the issues of the day. The problems from global warming to the economy that we face today are so clearly universal that we need to address them together.”

Indeed, Franti, the African-American son adopted and raised by Finnish American couple, has continued on many fronts to reach across all groups in a variety of ways, whether its with his annual Power To The Peaceful Festival or his award-winning documentary “I Know I’m Not Alone”, which featured Franti in Iraq, within the Palestinian territories and in Israel.

One war zone experience informs Franti’s sense of musical mission. As he remembers, “I was playing on the streets of Bagdad, and I introduced a song called `Bomb The World’ that says ’You can bomb the world into pieces/but you can’t bomb it into peace.’ I would translate that. And people there told me, `Oh well that’s an interesting song, but we’re living here where our world is being blown up, so sing us something that can make us dance and laugh and clap. That’s what they want to do.”

“The truth is that we need everybody. We need the ideas of the grass roots. We need the resources of the corporate world. We need the cooperation of the government. And we need the intelligence of everyday people with their street wisdom.”

“As a musician and a man, I more than anything else want to be a unifier,” Franti explains. “I want to bring people together through music and its unique power. And I hope that somehow that sense of unity extends beyond the music.”

Check out his provocative, educational movie here. And watch a music video below. Thank you Michael Franti for being a Revolutionary Man!! If you read this, grant me an interview?

This post has been brewing in me for some time. I imagine it may stir up some controversy in a lot of men I know or have known. I write not to place blame, but to take personal responsibility: I apologize to any man I have hurt and wronged through the hazing ordeal I participated in while in college.

By writing this I know that I risk losing some friends. I risk being judged. I risk losing you as a reader.

Yet, if I truly want to be a Revolutionary Man, I have to be ruthlessly honest with myself. I have to own up to mistakes I’ve made, people I’ve pissed off, and most importantly people I either took advantage of or caused unnecessary harm to. Above all, I have to be honest about where I stepped out of my own integrity.  This process requires that I leave no stone unturned.

The purpose of this post is to publicly apologize and to own up to three key mistakes I made while I was an undergraduate:

1. I watched and did nothing as others were hazed, knowing inside that it was wrong.
2. In turn, I betrayed my own integrity and hazed others. I manipulated, misled, shamed, and verbally and emotionally hurt other men.
3. When I changed my tune and realized hazing was wrong, I “came out” against hazing in a very unskillful fashion.

In college I took part in hazing other men with the aim of unifying each pledge class and “making” pledges active members of my fraternity. A guy had to “earn” his way in, and dammit, I was going to make it hard for him. After all, I reasoned, I went through it, now he has to go through it too.  I think the members achieved the desired outcome of unifying the pledge class, but the means with which we did it were plain wrong.

I had many justifications for my behavior. “It’s not really real.” “I didn’t mean the things I said to him.” “It was just a joke, all BS, just for fun.” “If this guy didn’t go through hell week, he’d still be an arrogant asshole. I put him in his place.” “It made him a man” and many, many other such rationalizations.

Not until I became President of the fraternity did I begin to fear the repercussions of my actions. My good friends called me “God squad” to imply that I was abusing my power as I tried to balance old traditions with my new responsibilities. I began to slowly speak out against hazing some, but pretty weakly and was too scared to really stand up.

When I began to work for my fraternity headquarters as a leadership consultant after college, I really changed my tune. There, I heard a man speak by the name of Dave Westol who spoke of the atrocities of hazing. I got it at that speech. This is when I began to piss a lot of folks off: “Who’s the hypocrite telling us what to do?”

Now, years later and with a master’s degree in psychology under my belt, and having studied trauma extensively, I understand the price tag of hazing on the human psyche.

When faced with a threatening situation, we humans respond in one of four ways:  Fight, flight, freeze or submit. In college, I witnessed men go through all of these. Men cried, men fought back, men left the fraternity forever, men “took it,” and men just simply shut down—they would get silent for hours, days, and weeks.

I traumatized other men, period. Yes, I was young and naïve, but that is no excuse for immature, hurtful behavior.  I was a boy initiating other boys.

In other cultures, and since the beginning of time, men have gone through great challenges and adversity to become men, but not in this unconscious, immature way. It was the job of the elders of the village because they carried the wisdom to push young boys into manhood with the appropriate tests and rites. But it was always done with respect and compassion. Moreover, it’s the fraternity’s job to initiate young men into the fraternity, not into manhood.

On to my apologies…

To the brothers of my fraternity and to the men who had the balls enough to “drop” before hell week even started:

Apology number one: I apologize for how I tried to stop hazing. I was a “complete asshole” as a friend recently pointed out. True, I was. I was young and unskillful in my attempts to eradicate hazing. For the men who I shamed and blamed, I am sorry for not showing you the respect you deserved in how I communicated.

Apology number two: To anyone I hazed, I am deeply sorry. It was never my intention to hurt you. You know who you are. If you want to have a conversation, in person or over the phone, please know that I am open to it.

I don’t apologize for a second about standing up against hazing. I will continue to stand up to other grown men who think that verbally, emotionally and physically cutting someone down is somehow valuable.

What did I learn through all of this that may be of benefit to others? Here are five important points to consider as you reflect upon your past.

1. Clean up your past or it will follow you in some way, shape or form. A lot of guys just “stuff” their past. As a psychotherapist and life coach, trust me, I work with a lot of folks who are stuck in their lives due to stuffing or running from their past, and this approach is bankrupt. It doesn’t work in the long run.
2. When you realize you have wronged someone, own up to it. If they want to hold something against you and don’t accept your apology, that’s their business. Your business is to own up to the people you have hurt.
3. Don’t betray yourself, no matter the cost. I crossed two lines in college. One was the line or boundary of other men whom I hurt. The second line was my own inner authority.
4. How you speak your truth is essential. Rather than blame others, own your own thing. Don’t put your trips on other people. Just because I had a change of heart, doesn’t mean others have to buy in. Take responsibility for yourself. You can’t change others, nor should you.
5. As my old friend said, “I would never, ever let anyone do to my son what we did back then.” I agree with you bro. Never in a million years would I put my son (now 2 weeks old) through that kind of bullshit, ever. Use this example as a barometer.

So, what line have you crossed, past or present, both within yourself and with others? Where have you “wronged” someone and what do you need to do to clean it up?

My challenge to you is clean up your past or it will follow you.

I realize the limitations of doing this through a blog, but it is a start and I commit to continuing the process so that I can be the man I am here to be.

To learn more about “why” someone like me went through such an ordeal and why I might in turn “make” others do the same, read this article:  men-and-hazing. In the meantime, please leave your comments and feedback below.

A lot of guys ask me what resources, other than Men’s Health or Men’s Journal, are out there for men. For me, those mags are great, but somewhat limited. Enter The New Man Podcast.  I will be interviewing the host of the New Man Podcast Tripp Lanier on February 19th.

If you haven’t heard of The New Man Podcast you’re missing out. Go there now and download it for Free on itunes, or you can go to Personal Life Media and download them episode by episode.

Tripp Lanier, x-rock star, and Integral Men’s coach is the host of this thought provoking podcast. Tripp is a good friend of mine and we are both extremely inspired to help dudes get off the couch and have the life they want. He has a unique way of combining humor and solid inquiry when interviewing his guests.

Podcasts are often no more than 25 minutes in length. Each podcast introduces you to a certain topic, then if you are inspiried to go further, Tripp’s guests give you more info that you can explore on your own time. In the New Man, the topics  range from personal fitness, dating and relationships, spirituality, finding your life purpose, to being a dad.

I was interviewed by Tripp over a year ago and we did a three part series about becoming a man. You can check it out here.

So, go download the New Man and you’ll immediately learn something!

Remember, on February 19th I will be interviewing Tripp in my monthly membership forum, which for a limited time is FREE. For those that appreciate Tripp and the work he’s doing, you won’t want to miss it.

To learn about the New Man Podcast and Tripp Lanier, join us for the call here.

At some point in your life, if you’re a guy, you’ve certainly heard the phrase “no pain, no gain.”

Well, what does it really mean? To some men, it means that if you don’t suffer, then you’re not going to get anything or get anywhere. Well, this is partly true.

My own interpretation is this:

The Pain

If you are the type of guy who stuff’s his feelings and pain of any kind, emotional or otherwise, then you are a “pain-avoider” and the “no pain, no gain” approach doesn’t really work for you. You’re saying might be “No pain, No pain, No pain.” But unfortunately you will still feel pain, even though you think you avoided it or got away with something.

So, my bias is this, Why not turn toward your pain whatever it may be and face it head on?

For example, let’s say you are getting sucked into the economic meltdown on the news everyday and it is becoming a real pain in the ass. The pain starts with an external trigger such as “bad economic news.” You now have some choices. 1) Turn off the TV or news 2) Pretend it’s not happening. Or, 3) turn toward the external trigger “bad economic news” and then, this is the crucial next step, turn toward what it is bringing up in you,  such as your feelings of fear or anger.

The Gain

But why do this? Because if you choose not to feel the pain that you feel in relationship to most things in your life, you are cutting off a huge opportunity to “gain.” When you turn away, the only person that loses is you.

So, my strong suggestion is to man up and relate to your pain. Turn toward it, whatever it is. The external trigger of your pain could be money, a sour relationship, death of a loved one, a co-worker, your career, whatever. Next, feel the pain associated with the external trigger and see what happens.

Trust me, if you stay with it long enough, it will turn in to a big gain, but you have to turn toward the fire and stand in it. Another sign of a revolutionary man in the making—turning toward what is painful in life, rather than away from it.

Gain awaits. All you have to do, is relate to and turn toward your pain.

Okay Men, are you up for the task? This Contest is not for small-timers. Only apply if you are deadly serious and you want to be the kind of game-changing Man people remember….. forever.

I’m only offering 8 spots for this year long Personal Development Training. It’s basically free.

Check it here

Allright guys,

As some of you know, I recently picked up boxing. What the? Why the? I’m not much of a fighter. Never have been. My first and last real fight was in the 6th grade with Corey Miller. My friends told me that it was a tie, which I think meant that I lost. Doah!

However, as a man I want to be able to protect my family. With what? My fists. But more importantly, and realistically, I took up boxing is to get fit.

For the past year or so I’ve been slacking in terms of my own fitness. I get injured a lot so I can come up with clever reasons for not staying with a regular  exercise program.

Those days are over for me. Taking care of my body and health is a top priority now. Boxing has been amazing for my level of fitness. I haven’t been this fit since high school when I was on a ski team and we did hours and hours of dryland training drills to prepare for the racing season.

My question to you is, why are you not pushing yourself in every area of your life? It doesn’t have to be fitness, but pick one area where you are holding back and do something about it.

I’d love to hear about your commitments and wins! In the meantime, check out this short video we made at the boxing gym.

From time to time, I have folks ask me, “How do you meditate?” and “Where do I start?” A lot of guys are wondering where to get started. So, I made a two short instructional videos if you are serious about learning the basics of meditation.

First, it’s important to ask, Why in the hell would a person meditate?

At first, it might be a way to relax or calm your mind. Later on, meditation becomes a powerful tool for growth, personal development and a resource to find your own answers to life’s mysteries and even work through seemingly intractable emotions and mind states.

It seems in this culture, many people would rather have some big authority figure tell them what to do, rather than rely on their own wisdom. But you can only tune in to this frequency if you get pretty quiet and very still.

The benefits of meditation are widely researched and well documented. From the NY Times to National Geographic Magazine. More and more western doctors and health practitioners are citing meditation as helping their clients.

This video give basic sitting up meditation instruction

How will it help you on your path?

I like this description of meditation from www.wikipedia.org:

“Meditation is a mental discipline by which one attempts to get beyond the conditioned, “thinking” mind into a deeper state of relaxation or awareness. Meditation often involves turning attention to a single point of reference. It is recognized as a component of almost all religions, and has been practiced for over 5,000 years.^[1][2][3] It is also practiced outside religious traditions. Different meditative disciplines encompass a wide range of spiritual and/or psychophysical practices which may emphasize different goals — from achievement of a higher state of consciousness, to greater focus, creativity or self-awareness, or simply a more relaxed and peaceful frame of mind.” More here…

So, give it a shot and really notice what comes up for you. It might be interesting to discover that you must approach it quite differently than learning a sport or a new subject in school. How did you do? I’d love to hear from you. Leave a comment…

This video is for lying down meditation. Check it out.

And yes, I am qualified to teach meditation as a certified meditation instructor! Oh, and if you want to learn the basics of a solitary meditation retreat, click here.

This powerful Byron Hurt youtube video explores Manhood in the Black Community comparing two Iconic figures Barak Obama and rapper 50 Cent. I also wrote about this on Elephant Journal’s site.

I first read this post on William Harryman’s site The Masculine Heart. To me this video is an important contrast within the black culture between two very different messages about what it means to be a Man. It is obvious and clear that both Men have a huge following and both represent opposing views of Being a Man. However, the video also reminds us that both men found Big success despite the odds.

How do these two men differ from white Manhood? What are the important lessons here? What do different cultures and different races have to teach about being a Man?

Check out this short video: