I remember only a year ago saying to my wife when she tried to put a light colored shirt on my son, “Honey that’s too feminine.” WTF? After her calling me on that, I realized what was driving that comment— me being trapped in the gender code of “boys wear blue, girls wear pink.”

Below that code was fearing my son would be labeled gay or feminine. Wow. Misogyny all over again. It was subtle, but that was my disdain for the feminine in me.

I had pushed down that “feminine” part of myself so far that it went underground. When this happens we let other people and our culture dictate what is true for us. From the unconscious we have little choice.  So I began to shine a big light on MY feminine.

Over and over, we are taught from a very young age (even birth and in utero), how to be a boy and how to be a girl. Don’t act like this, don’t act like that. Wear this color, don’t wear that color.

Over time this traps us in a boy code and a girl code. Behavior outside the “code” is not acceptable as one may face ridicule, judgment, rejection,  insult, and abandonment.

As adults, it doesn’t change much. Women, you need to act like a woman, and men, act like a man. Men, don’t act gay, weak or feminine and don’t rage. Women, don’t blah, blah, blah (women, need some help here, comment below?)

But ‘acting like a man’ implies that I need to adhere to behaviors that are acceptable within that person’s definition of “man.” Trust me, I tried that one for a while with “act like a good man or a revolutionary man.” And again, it is just another box.

The only way for us to break free from the boxes that we subscribed to long ago is to rewild ourselves as humans, outside of gender codes and scripts.

It’s time to be free and stop giving our culture, peers, parents, and society power over us by letting them dictate how to be a man or how to be a woman. There is no one way, and in reality, there is no fucking box. We just have to know that, and have the confidence to explore how big and vast we really are.

The boxes have only created more confusion and led to the separateness men and women feel toward each other. In fact, for the past six years, I have solely hung with men, pushing away my female friends (and hence the feminine in me). Now, I’m tired of that separateness and instead am seeking women friends to deepen with.

Conscious men and women are doing fine getting wild within the context of their own gender. I suggest we all dig deep and explore both our inner masculine and inner feminine and then do the same with men and women we know. It’s time to take the lid off the old notions of man and woman.

Men and women are different, of course. Let us celebrate and embody those differences fully but do so individually, in a way that honors who we uniquely are, not who we want to be, think we should be, or how someone else is doing it.

What is going to happen as men and women consciously come together? I don’t know, but I want to go there.

It’s time to create spaces where we can learn to tell the truth, be wild, and be free together. C’mon PEOPLE!!!! Let’s do it!

__________________________________________________

Here is an example of something we men and women can do together, done locally in Boulder:

My dear soul sister Christiane Pelmas and I have created an event to bridge men and women and help us go deeper together. It is going to be a blast.

Men and women coming together to tell the full, uncensored truth and heal the hurt, so that we may see one another fully without filters. Let us be seen and witnessed in our rage, our grief, our joy, our desire, our laughter, and our full power.

This is a private event flyer below. A public one will be offered soon.

ReWilding Men & Women

An Uncensored Truth-Telling Experience

A weekend exploration facilitated by
Christiane Pelmas of The ReWilding and Jayson Gaddis, Men’s Leader
by invitation only
~ October 28th, 2010 ~

Moving beyond the workshop setting into a co-created ritual space, this weekend is designed to bridge
the masculine and feminine in a raw, clean, and conscious community that includes movement, council,
dyads, and more. Our purpose is not to fix anything. It is simply to speak the truth and be witnessed, so
the reality of what we experience in our daily lives can be honored and healed.

Men, in this two-day ritual you will have the opportunity to:

• Learn how to tell the entire truth in the face of the feminine through conscious and uncensored expression
• Show up and live as a more conscious man within community
• Experience your hunger, desire, and longing for the feminine and own it as yours
• Hold space for the feminine no matter what she brings – without taking it personally
• Discover how to create deeper intimacy with both the masculine & feminine
• Cultivate your power as a leader who is bringing more consciousness to the masculine/feminine dance

Women, in this two-day ritual you will have the opportunity to:

• Learn how to speak your truth in front of men and women – no matter what your truth is
• Feel the fullness of your fierce, provocative beauty & power, through the witness of community
• Discover the deep stories that govern your relationships – the ones that serve and the ones that don’t
• Learn how to more fully cultivate, and stay with, your authentic female expression in the face of masculine desire or fear
• Learn how to stand safely in the face of masculine rage and desire
• Cultivate your power as a leader who is bringing more consciousness to the masculine/feminine dance

This is for men and women who:

‣ Feel there is a larger conversation going on, between the Masculine and Feminine, that longs to be supported
‣ Hunger for a deeper more truthful conversation with the opposite gender
‣ Are in a relationship or single
‣ Have cultivated the art of skilled self-reflection and can receive honest feedback without distancing or projecting
‣ Inspired to make conscious, the stories and blocks that are covertly running your intimate partnerships

~ Limited to 8 women and 8 men

A deposit of $25 will hold your space. The evening tuition is $75. Pay what you can, and consider paying more, to help others who are experiencing economic hardship.
This experience will take place at a location to be provided upon your registration. It is our desire to maintain a gender balance for this evening.

Art by Bryce Widom

Most men are locked up and confused sexually.

I am a student when it comes to sex. Sex has brought me incredible shame and unbelievable joy in my life.

Pretty much every guy I have ever talked to about his sex life has been challenged one way or another in the bedroom.

Sex is the most widely googled term. By in large, we are a sexually repressed culture and it leaks out in hypersexualized images everywhere.

Most of us grew up being robbed of a genuine, heartfelt, honest education about sex. Men (and women of course) have received a ridiculous amount of misinformation about sex from boyhood to manhood. Many men remain sexually immature, confused and illiterate. Sex education completely falls short of the what we need to succeed and feel good about ourselves sexually.

As a result, many men are unhappy and ashamed. In addition, with little to no information about the power of sex and the male sex organ, boys and men act out everywhere from rape to every form of sexual abuse and violence. Instead of learning about his erectile dysfunction,  a man can now just take a pill to get a hard on without ever addressing the hidden intelligence of his body’s flaccidity. We remain numb, asleep, angry, hurt, isolated, and very confused about sex.

However, there are pockets of wisdom out there where children, teens and adults can get all the information they need. Brave folks like David Cates are paving the way to help us re-claim the totality of our sexuality. Last year I hired David who is a deep sexual healer (a.k.a. sex coach) to help me. My wife and I were ready to deepen into the next sexual phase of our relationship. Being married with a new baby presents challenges to new parents like us. I was eager to get support from David and learn a new sexual dance and carve out new sexual pathways with my wife.

I have read David Deida, Mantak Chia, the Multi-Orgasmic Male, and other tantric-type books, but all of them have put me further into the “performance game” that most men find themselves in. These teachers have helped a lot of men, but most men just employ the tools without doing any spiritual work, so they lack a solid foundation. The trap is that in order to feel good sexually and get what we want, a man thinks he has to try harder, perform better, “fuck her open to God,” and do it right. He learn tricks, tips, and breathing exercises, in a never ending “project” that requires a ton of work. It’s not too long into this process that many men collapse in frustration.

David Cates, on the other hand, turns this performance game on it’s head. He is teaching me that sex can be effortless. He is teaching me the power of relaxation instead of performance. His teachings are realistic and compassionate toward both parties. I have been so psyched on what I’m learning that I asked David if he’d teach at my leadership training. He did. It rocked. Now, I have asked him yet again to share more of his wisdom in a free conference call.

I strongly suggest you at least sign up for this free call we are doing next Monday the 16th.

After that, if you want to dive in to an amazing 6-week course on the subject of how to get out of the performance game and into a place of “ease” sexually, please join us. And, it’s not what you think, seriously. Click the link to view more about what you will learn…

The Truth is In Your Body, Effortless Sex for a Lifetime

Lastly, it is time we stop keeping sex as this hidden affair. The more we all collude and not share our sexual wounds and victories, the more we let our culture dictate the rules placed upon us so long ago. Let’s talk about sex!

Art by Paul Kagan

I was tagged in a note recently by a new Facebook friend, Jennifer. The topic intrigued me as I have been exploring a lot around sexuality lately. Of course, I have not mentioned sex much to my blog readers, thus buying into more secrecy, shame, and “it’s personal” crap.  Jennifer, through the below note, and without knowing it, lovingly called me out and invited me to share more on the topic of sex and sexuality. So stay tuned…

I am still very much in process around sex and sexuality. The “old me” believed you teach something when you have it mastered, not when you are immersed in the learning process yourself (I know, more crap, nice story).

The timing could not be more perfect as I have been working with a sexual healer to deepen my sexuality with myself and my wife. I hired the same man to come to my leadership training this weekend to serve my brothers in the training. I’ll be sharing more personally soon.  So, THANK YOU Jennifer! Your note will be the first sexuality post of many to come.

One more thing: I’m with Jennifer–Let’s lift the veil and start to heal and reclaim our sexuality and our sexual power by talking openly about it with one another.  It is time.

Here’s Jennifer:

Hello Friends (some new and some old)

This is a blog post I just wrote and I am debating actually posting it, but I am inspired to share it with all of you… some of you I don’t know and have not really conversed with, however, I value what it is that you are doing on this planet and wanted to include you in this conversation…

thank you for taking the time to read this post pertaining to human sexuality!

The following is the blog post…

This is up for me right now… so I want to talk about it. I am usually talking about birth and motherhood, and yet, what I really want to talk about is sex!

I am a mother of three children, in a partnership of 12 years (constantly evolving and stretching the boundaries of the meaning of relationships – another blog), and I am a sexual human who has been terrified to fully claim this power.

However, I know that by choosing to keep my sexual energy at bay, locked away because of shame and lack of trust, that I am missing out on the pulse of the lifeforce – the ecstasy that is constantly available and flowing and uniting, at all times.

Lately I have been known to say that everything is sexual, sacred, and sensual. The three S’s… A stimulating conversation, a tantalizing diner with friends, a powerful yoga session, a good fuck, a bubble bath, the trance of dance, listening to music, being touched and touching, breast feeding, giving birth, writing, you name it, it is sexual.

Ahhh, what a crazy notion that when you are present in the moment of life, when you are merging with all that is, when you are love and loving, and when you are in connection – you are experiencing your sexual life force, you are One.

So tell me, since many are ashamed of this energy, this sensation, this pulse and since we have been shamed, wounded, and now guarded, how are we supposed to heal ourselves, others, and the planet? (women’s shame is different than men’s shame – but shame there is)

Does it not make sense that we have a fucked up culture because we are terrified of claiming this natural essence, we lack trust in ourselves and others, and we are wrong or bad for actually being ecstatic with life and in the presence of others.

When we do this, we turn our sexual nature into our shadow self and it sneaks out the back door and we all know what that looks like? I am pissed off at our current cultural trends of trying to make everything sexy – just look at media – and yet, we send the message out to the young and old, that you are not allowed nor encouraged to act on those urges!

Ok, here is a thought… We can’t heal the earth if we can’t even treat our own earthly bodies with love and respect. If we can’t honor the sexuality and sensuality of our own body and if we are ashamed of it, than of course we are going to continue to rape the great Mother Earth, of course we are not going to allow ourselves to feel the eros of the planet – the love force.

If we did, what do you think would happen? Well we might actually make different choices, we would treat the Mother Earth like our Lover – with deep respect, regard, affection, attention, care, and Love. What a concept!

But then again, what do I know. I am only tapping into this great force, this need to respect and honor this brilliant energy that provides the Self and the Cosmos and the Other with great pleasure. Deconstructing years of cultural imprinting that states, be sexual and sexy but don’t LIKE IT. Especially as a mother, a wife, a partner, a lover etc. And if you do like it and want to tap into that energy well, it is dark, dangerous, scary, and dirty. Time to lift the veil and start reclaiming ourselves as a whole sexual expression of a human that we are. With that comes great honor and responsibility to use this power wisely.

I believe that if we are taught to honor this sexual life force, we will honor the other. In honor we cannot wound. We cannot misuse. When we are taught to use this power wisely and with consciousness, we seek different choices.

We see ecstasy, instead of pain. We see love and nurture instead of disrespect and abuse. We see healing instead of wounding. We see passion and creativity and change, instead of depression, lack of empathy, and lethargy. We see a dance, a human dance, that embraces the essence of life in gratitude to experience what it truly means to be Human.

And so it is…

Thank you for listening, I would love to hear your thoughts…

Jennifer

Jennifer Summerfeldt, a mother of three, has been immersed in the studies of holistic health, pregnancy, birth, & midwifery, for the past decade. She has a strong motivation to understand the mystical and spiritual nature of life.  She is a certified Doula with a diploma in Holistic Nutrition and a degree in Physical Activity & Sport Studies. She has interned in birth centres both in Mexico & Texas.  She has been involved in a  five year spiritual mentorship with her teacher Whapio Diane Bartlett. Along this path, Jennifer has taken a great interest in holding space for individuals and groups to go deep, drop the ego, and be vulnerable with one another… when this happens, transformation occurs.  She is interested in a variety of subjects including: Human sexuality, Divine Masculine & Feminine, Group Council & Circle work, Integral Living, Human Potential, and of course Birth (of life and of one’s soul). To learn more about Jennifer’s path click on the following link: http://www.holdthepromise.com/about.php , and she can be contacted at  holdthepromise@gmail.com

BLOG: www.womenfreebirth.wordpress.com
GROUP DYNAMICS: www.holdthepromise.com
BIRTH SERVICES: www.earthmotherbirth.org
CLASSES: www.onlinechildbirthclasses.org

I’m one of those old fashioned gals who wants men to be more like men. Unruly, lustful, primitive, bold – however he might come. It is challenging for a man in this day and age to remain intact; to not allow himself to be meddled with, while still retaining a good measure of integrity. I admire men who strive for this, because there are plenty of (well-meaning) women out there who are happily doing the meddling. It’s all they know. We are all to some extent shaped by the culture we live in. The pressure on men to be more like women is so pervasive we don’t even see it for what it is. And since it is human to want to belong; to be seen for the good person that you are, men tend to succumb – at least in public. So when I meet a man who can own his mistakes openly while never apologizing for who he is, I am impressed. While he is not exactly a dying breed, this is a balance that is hard to come by.

I adore men, and I adore all the ways they communicate that are not at all like a woman’s. I enjoy their tribal instincts, their love of competition, and the way they bond with their buddies that I will never be a part of. These are things I would like to see more of, free of restraint or excuses. No more blaming women for your failure to exercise the liberties that are your birthright! Men need time with other men, because it gives them something they can never get from a woman. It’s just the way that it is. We are entirely different breeds.

On a personal level, there are lots of things I hanker for. As a woman who has been single for quite some time, what I miss the most is that burly, unfaltering presence that does not shrink back from my fervent mood swings, whether it be anxiety, sexual desire or matters of the heart. I miss a man who can hold his own without taking on my emotional depth. A man with fortitude and patience, but who does things on his own terms, not mine. A spiritual man who values both the animal and the tender; who knows what it means to be both beastly and kind. A man who understands that being in control (something many men need) is not the same as controlling me. Hell, be the boss if you must – but try to oppress my spirit, and I’ll end up leaving you in the end.

There’s a scene in the movie A History of Violence where the main character, played by Viggo Mortensen, “takes” his wife on the stairs of their home, without her apparent (initial) consent. It is a powerful scene that blends anger with tenderness, desire with heart – raw and unrestrained. Contrast this with the sex portrayed in a series like Desperate Housewives – emasculated, polite, entirely dependent on a woman’s approval. Unfortunately – and I say this for women as well as men – sex within the confines of domestic love has swung toward the latter. What I miss in men is unfettered passion and a loyalty to self; men who are sensitive to what I think and feel, but will never sell themselves out to gain my approval.

A man who is his own person.

Jesse Mendes is a writer, producer and blogger who is deeply committed to helping to change how older women are perceived in North America. She believes there is a sensuality and wisdom about them that younger women can only dream of, and a significant pool of men out there who “get” it. SeptemberMay, a dating site that celebrates the authentic older woman, will launch later this year.

The other day I sent out a call for feedback for men everywhere (Stay tuned…). My request was for one sentence from anyone and everyone. Interesting that several women completely disregarded the “one sentence” rule and just went for it.

Here is one poignant example from my friend Nomali who wrote to us men exquisitely. She came up with her own introduction to it. I have not edited a thing and have received her permission to post it. I was deeply inspired upon reading her note and feel as though it may serve you. Thank you Nomali!

Notice yourself as you read this. Are you skeptical? Do you allow her words to penetrate you? Do you contract because of you are afraid to let her in? Does the spiritual tone sound too much for you? Or are you grateful for a woman that shares her vulnerability with you? What would it feel like for a woman to actually speak to you in this manner?

If you are a man hungry for more in intimacy and relationship, let this be a love letter beckoning you to show up and go deeper.

Painting My Lover: Men – Women – Me – You – Who?

by Nomali Perera

Crazy-ass long mad thing I suddenly found myself writing after I saw a posting by Jayson Gaddis of “Revolutionary Man” (What Is Your Constructive Feedback For MEN? – http://tinyurl.com/yh46lyj). This is waaaaay too long for what Jayson Gaddis is looking for. I mostly just found myself writing more about myself than men and so, this is just my note. And please know that this is MY letter. I am not speaking for other women. I am also not directing this at any one man. And sometimes I am guilty of what I complain about. I know it and am honest about it. Why did I really have all this gushing out of me? I have no idea. Maybe just because I am a woman. And sometimes, I just shamelessly gush.

————————–

This is part one of a three-step project I’m cranking out. Don’t worry, this is not meant to just focus on the negative with men. Quite the contrary. However, we need a real-time assessment from everyday people like you. I want a baseline and some collective input from as many men and women as possible.

I only need one statement from you.

I realize I’m asking you to generalize, and it will be most helpful if you think of yourself (if you are a man) or the men in your lives. We men might actually benefit from it.

If you are down to help out, keep reading.

Let’s look at the current sociological landscape of masculinity by quickly reviewing what some experts say.

If you watched the Superbowl this year, you saw the barrage of lame-ass ads directed toward men. Here is a great commentary on them by Mark Morford of SFGate called Ode to the Whipped White Male.

The trend seems to be building about the utter confusion men find themselves in today. Although men are still largely in power, women are outpacing men in the workforce for the first time ever. Women’s empowerment programs are all over the world and are having a significant impact.

What about boys and men?

According to Raising Cain, a PBS documentary, “America’s boys are in trouble. They are the most violent in the industrialized world. Many are unable to express their emotions. On average, boys are doing worse in the classroom than they were 10 years ago.”

Once they become “adults” young men stay adrift longer, putting off growing up as long as humanly possible. This group becomes trapped in Guyland. As of early 2010, one in five men were unemployed. Most conventional mainstream guys are confused, lost, depressed, or putting on a show and pretending to be happy. I have written about this a bit in a previous post “Why men are boys and what can be done about it.”

So then, what about men’s empowerment programs? Can’t they help? Well, uh…..um……yeah…..

While there are many high quality men’s programs out there including mine, it is still commonplace for men to subscribe to the old-school “go-it-alone” mentality. Not only that, but the conventional mainstream man pokes fun of men’s work and men’s empowerment programs calling them “gay,” “stupid,” “weak,” or “new agey,” which, in the end, reveals more about that man’s fears than about the programs themselves.

Even in a recent Daily Show parody, BetterMen.org was made fun of for men sitting around in a circle acting like “vagina-men.”

So, if a man “stays the course” he is screwed, and if he chooses to “man up” and do some work on himself, he is made fun of.

Alas, many men have found themselves in a collapsed stupor, driving their dodge charger as fast as possible to their man-cave, as Morford suggests, to play video games, watch sports, drink beer, and resent their wives and girlfriends. All the while they “pretend” everything is fine.

As a guy who has worn the conventional guy-land hat for years, I know the territory well. I walked in his shoes far past a mile, both sober and drunk, way too many times. I know the pain and I know the mask that covers it up.

Now, forget what others are saying, I want to hear from you!

Here’s how it works:

What is your personal experience of men? Think of the men in your life and look around. Your boss, your father? Your son? Co-workers, boyfriends, husbands, Ex-husbands? What pains you the most about yourself as a man, other men, or a man in your life?

What blind spots do you see men having? Where does society stand to benefit the most if these changes could be realized?

What matters here, is what you think of men. Forget the stats, what is your take? Where are us guys at right now? What is our problem? Please only focus on where we can improve.

What’s “right” about men is coming. Remember, this is part one of a big project I’m working on. I can hardly wait to share it! Stay tuned…

My goal is to get 100 responses from anyone and everyone about what you see as the big issues  men have today. I want brutal honesty!

I will create a video with the most common, most powerful responses and give you credit. This will then serve as our jumping off point to go further toward change, wholeness, and visioning a brighter future.

What I need from YOU!

Send me one statement with your feedback for men everywhere.

Women: Pretend you have every man’s full attention. You could say anything and they would completely listen and then make that change. If you could give us feedback in one statement about where we could grow, what is it? Make it personal. Think of the men you know in your life that need some honest feedback. Consider it an offering to them.

Men: Think of what you personally struggle with the most in your life and chances are you are far from alone. There are other men like you. Look at your circles. Think of your Dad, your brothers, your friends and colleagues?  Take a moment to acknowledge you are not perfect and even you could use a pep talk. Make it personal. Your feedback is service to your fellow man.

Other: If you don’t identify as man or woman, what do you think we need from your unique perspective?

Pick the absolute most important issue to you and write it here in one sentence by finishing this sentence…

My constructive feedback for MEN is….

Then leave your name (first and/or last), age, and home city.

You are welcome to submit a photo (of yourself or of men) for the video. The more personal it is, the more of an impact we can have.

Remember, keep it to one sentence only please!

Just reply to this post below, leave a comment below, or email me your feedbac: info@revolutionaryman.com

Some might say “the unknown,” “being broke,” “not being loved,” or “not being in control.” While these top the list, there are a few fears much deeper, mostly unconscious, and more secret that most dudes just won’t admit they have or have had.

The three big fears that stem from outdated male conditioning are:

1. Being perceived as gay
2. Being perceived as too feminine
3. A fear that your cock is not big enough, and therefore you are not adequate

If this is true that men fear these, then it is also true that these are the three areas to exploit and shame another man.

Men who are insecure in one or more of these areas will be highly susceptible to ridicule in these areas. However, he will do his best to hide it.  The mask he will wear will be thick and seemingly impenetrable. Be honest. Ask yourself from boyhood until now if you have feared these. I have feared all of these at some point in my life.

Let’s take a quick look at all three.

1. Being perceived as gay

Since so many men are simply out of touch with who they really are, and are fundamentally insecure, being called “gay” can be very threatening. For these men, gay = bad, wrong, weak, womanly, sensitive, and less than.

Think about it. In conventional male culture (particularly for teens and young men), the biggest put down you can give another man is to call him a fag. Men joke in this way all the time. But underneath the joke is a hidden truth. That to the men giving the put down, they are deeply afraid that they will be seen as homosexual or gay and they know the other man might have questions too.

Prior to having any self-awareness whatsoever, I shamefully admit that in college I participated in gay bashing by calling my male friends who I perceived had more feminine character traits. At the same time, I did my best to hide any aspect of myself that I felt was weak or revealed how incredibly sensitive I was.  I also questioned my sexuality in adolescence and had no one to talk to about it. So, like a guy’s guy, I puffed up, I hid it, and instead made fun of others.

Rapper Eminem was asked by MTV’s Kurt Loder in 2001 why he used “faggot” in all his songs to put down other men. Eminem responded:

The lowest degrading thing you can say to a man when you’re battling him is to call him a faggot and try to take away his manhood. Call him a sissy, call him a punk. “Faggot” to me doesn’t necessarily mean gay people. “faggot” to me just means taking away your manhood.

Sadly Eminem’s view is very common. And, even if it wasn’t meant as a putdown to gays, it is. Talk to most gay folks. Using “gay” or “fag” as a putdown perpetuates aggression, disrespect, and even violence toward gays.

Anti-gay behavior is so ingrained in our culture and starts from day one. If a little baby boy so much as gets a toy that looks like a “girl toy” he might be teased by a nearby watchful adult as gay or girly. So begins the cycle of the boycode.

William Pollack PHD, coined the phrase “boycode” to suggest that boys are put in what he calls a gender straight-jacket as early as infancy. Boys must only act like boys and if they cry, whine, don’t play sports, or wear girl-colored clothing, they are not being a boy. Sadly, this behavior is conditioned largely by fearful, insecure, adult men who do not want to be seen having a boy who is “not acting like a boy.”

Boys are conditioned to be boys and boys in most modern cultures have a “do’s and don’ts list” of behaviors. Since boys have no formal initiation in this culture, “adult boys” model boyhood and manhood, which becomes an incredibly narrow version of masculinity, and sadly one we are dealing with right now.

Michael Kimmel in his book Guyland pinpoints the “guycode”  which grows out of the boycode. The guycode is essentially the same as the boycode, but for adult men. It’s just another box we men buy into.

Read their books as this is not meant to serve as a research project. Rather it is to pinpoint the sad but obvious truth about the mainstream man in this culture.

Gay men are just as much men as straight men. Practice acceptance.

2. Being perceived as too feminine

I remember playing golf as a boy. If I putt the ball short of the hole, the older men used to say, “hit it Alice” to imply I was putting like a woman because I didn’t hit the ball hard enough. I also remember in college challenging other men to drink more by calling them “skirts” if they were not keeping up (as if 10 or 12 beers was not enough).

In men’s sports, coaches often uses terms such as “ladies” to describe men who are not stepping up, who are quitting, or who are acting weak. Even in the blockbuster Avatar, the “bad guys” called each other ladies to motivate each other.

Think of the cost here with our teenage boys. When boys and adolescent boys are trained day in and day out to put each other down with “girl,” “pussy,” “vagina,” “cunt,” etc, over time the association becomes entrenched. It can start out pretty innoscent, but pretty soon, this bleeds over to how boys treat girls. They begin to disrespect girls in an ongoing way and use “girl behavior” as the big put down to each other. They attempt to push away the feminine because they are doing their best to hide the feminine aspects of themselves.

Boys will hide any vulnerable or seemingly feminine aspects of themselves or face the ridicule of their peers and thus not belong or feel accepted by their peer group.

Tragically, boys will bury anything about themselves that resembles a girl.

3. A fear that your cock is not adequate

The other big diss boys and guys dish out to each other is to insult another man’s penis.  Find a way to call attention to another man’s inadequacy by attacking his privates. No wonder boys and men are so uncomfortable talking about their cocks, their sexual fears, or inadequacies. No wonder shame begets shame.

Countless men (and women) have fears of being inept, impotent, inadequate, worthless, not good enough, and not man enough. Men often associate these with their cock and their cock’s performance. In traditional guy culture your cock = your success. If your cock works, gets action with women only, and is big, then you are a man.

What nonsense. And yet this is often what young boys learn through other men, the media and through porn.

Internet porn thus becomes the guidepost for boys who have nowhere to turn. The basic message for a boy or man watching porn is the same as above. “Use your cock to take her, thrust, fuck, be in charge, dominate, control,” because that is supposedly what she wants. Again, another box. Boys and men buy into the box and if anything happens outside the box, there must be something wrong with you.

Believe it or not, your cock is fine just the way it is. You are adequate. Even if you lose your erection or believe you have a small penis, you are enough. It’s commonly understood that most women don’t care about size.

My advice:

1. The re-frame. Your vulnerability is your strength. Yup. Believe it or not, your vulnerability is your strength. Not in mainstream culture or traditional manhood of course. But who cares? If you read this blog, you are not a conventional, mainstream man. You are more conscious than that. Start acting like you are.

2. Be yourself and stop giving a shit what others think of you. Seriously. Have the balls to be yourself (not your ego-self) and blast out of the box your culture, your father, or your peers put you in.

3. Grow up. Move on past this juvenile behavior. Lead the way and practice not buying into these 3 fears. They only serve to keep you inside that box. You don’t need them. At the same time if you are secure in who you are as a man, skip dissing other men by using these deeply entrenched jabs. You just perpetuate aggression, violence, and intolerance in people that are different than you. If you are scared and want to protect yourself, fine. But get some new tools, seriously.

4. Start respecting your fellow man, no matter who they are. That’s right, criminals, democrats, republicans, gay, straight, black, white, red, brown, yellow. Practice acceptance and start with the guy staring you in the face everyday.

5. Challenge him. If you want to help another man step up, challenge him to reach his potential.

6. Call him out. When a man is thirty-five and he is acting like a boy, call him on that. This does not mean if a man is crying he is acting like a boy. Men cry. I cry. Crying and showing strong emotion is a sign of strength. But if he acts like he is fourteen or is trapped in “guyland” and refuses to be a man, call him out. Demand more from him.

7. Get out of the gender box. Men come in all shapes, colors, and sizes. Be careful about how you put boys (including your own children) in a gender box. Let your son be emotional, sensitive, and free. If he plays with dolls, get curious about why you care so much. It’s likely that you are afraid what others will think of you. Encourage him to be himself and trust himself, not some version of your rigid self. Do the same with your adult male friends and colleagues.

I have been known to challenge a man’s manhood to this day. I feel okay about it. Why? Because I am demanding that he act like an adult and be truthful with who and what he is. I want the best out of him. I demand what is behind his mask. I want his authentic version of him, not some box that his culture put him in. I don’t have some outdated, stoic, John Wayne version of manhood. That’s a bunch of crap.

If you decide to challenge another man’s manhood, come from a place of honor and respect and remember tip number 3. We can and do challenge each other as men. But let us do it by building one another up without disrespecting someone else or comparing ourselves to anyone.

This World needs less “adult boys” and more open-hearted, fearless, conscious men. Will you be one of them?

Easy.

He, like you and me, is human. And it just goes to demonstrate that you can have all the money in the world and be famous beyond belief and still have many, many issues that you would rather no one know about. Tiger Woods having one or more affairs behind his wife’s back is no surprise.

From John Edwards to Martin Luther King Jr, no one is above relationship challenges.  No one is above the human condition. That’s the good news for all you men out there who think you can act perfect and hide your issues.

If you are in a long term relationship or married, you realize that challenge is simply part of the terrain. You also realize that if you want a dynamic relationship, you must face the challenges and invite change. If you have kids you know that challenges increase and change is even more inevitable. Any new father knows that life becomes radically different when a child enters the equation.

As a new Dad, I personally have faced some big challenges such as sleepless nights, money issues, and the onslaught of soiled diapers. But as a new parent, the biggest of challenges have come in my relationship with myself and with my wife.

My wife and I work very hard on our relationship and are committed to evolving and growing. Our marriage vows serve our individual needs and aspirations toward this unfolding process. Why? So, we don’t slip into a comfortable, mediocre, business relationship where we just co-parent and act like roommates.

The roommate trap

While I doubt Tiger Woods fell into being “roommates” with his partner due to his rigorous schedule, I’m sure they fell into some dynamic that allowed both of them to avoid their connection and whatever was “in the way” of them getting real and getting honest.

Men who do not attend rigorously to their marriage will eventually settle into a complacent relationship wherein both parties stop growing and agree to play it safe.

Add a new kid into the family, and the temptation to put your relationship on the back-burner steadily grows. A new child is very demanding and needs full attention from one or both parents. But to use my kid as the reason I am not close with my wife is a cop out. If a couple continues to use this excuse, the gap between them will continue to widen.

I recently read a great article in the New York Times about a couple, with two young kids, who finally decided after nine years of “good” marriage to deepen and make it better by going to therapy and workshops. The wife had sensed much more was possible. The husband was pretty ambivalent at first but went along with it.

In their “good” relationship, the husband focused all his attention on becoming a master chef at home, spending hours and hours in the kitchen while the wife tended to the bills and kids. They didn’t outwardly agree to this, it just happened over time. As the husband got honest, he realized cooking was his way to avoid his wife, their intimacy, and his own discomfort in the marriage. She discovered she was avoiding also by attending to her “role.”

They also discovered that the way they related was serving a function– their sarcasm with one another was “protecting uncomfortable feelings” and stifling their intimacy.

It seems commonplace that over time, new parents unconsciously and quietly agree to be co-parents, pals, and roomies, thus staving off any juicy intimacy that might be possible otherwise. The classic example that is still quite common is that Dad settles into “worker, provider guy” and Mom settles into stay-at-home-Mom.

Within and beyond your roles, how good is your marriage really? Ask yourself what kind of long-term partnership do you want? If you are honest with yourself, are you going as deep as you could go? Have you ever fully revealed yourself to your partner? How much do you hold back in the bedroom? Are you using your new child(ren) as a way to avoid your wife and avoid deepening with her?

Is Cheating Inevitable?

What really happens to the intimacy when a new kid arrives? Is cheating common? What is it that really makes a man cheat on his wife? What is really going on here? If blame can’t be placed on the new child, then who is responsible?

Just the other day, I went to a friend’s place to help him and his wife dialogue about their struggling marriage. Their child is 3 and they continue to have big relationship challenges. My friends are choosing the seemingly steep climb to greater depth and connection. Honest couples get honest about what is going on and work with it. This takes tremendous courage and a willingness to tell the truth. Most couples avoid, avoid, avoid.

I work with many men who have cheated, some openly, others secretly. Most have huge shame and carry enormous guilt about it, even while continuing to do it.

First, try it on that cheating is always a symptom of something going on underneath the surface.

According to Gary Neuman who wrote The Truth About Cheating, “cheating rarely has anything to do with the woman being unattractive.” In fact, according to Gary Neuman 88% of the men he interviewed for his book said that the other woman “wasn’t better looking or in better shape than their wives.”

I mention this because a lot of men might initially place blame on their wife. She isn’t X enough or she’s so Y.

So, what is cheating?

Wikipedia defines Cheating as

“an act of lying, deception, fraud, trickery, imposture, or imposition. Cheating characteristically is employed to create an unfair advantage, usually in one’s own interest, and often at the expense of others,[1]”

In the case of a marriage or monogamous relationship, cheating is leaking your energy elsewhere. A lot of men will justify “leaky” behavior as “I’m just flirting.” or “I didn’t sleep with her, so it’s fine.” But you have to be really, really honest with yourself.

Cheating can be emotional, energetic, or physical.

For example, years ago I had an emotional affair with another woman. At the time it felt innocent and like it was no big deal. And when my girlfriend at the time sniffed it out, I tried to downplay it and move on. Later after receiving some hard feedback from trusted men in my men’s group and a gifted therapist, I owned up to the fact that I had in fact crossed a line and betrayed her.

I discovered that I was angry at my girlfriend and felt judged by her. So, by having an emotional affair and leaking with this other woman, I could indirectly say “fuck you” to my girlfriend because deep down I was hurt.

So, an emotional affair is where you might lean on another woman for support to discuss your relationship challenges. Women often seem safer than men to discuss relationship stuff. Men often go to a female co-worker or friend to vent (another great reason to have solid man friends and a men’s group).

A physical affair is quite obvious and involves physical contact with another woman where there is some sexual charge. Kissing, intercourse, oral sex, long leaky hugs, etc.

An energetic affair can be where you fish for flirting situations. You leak out your interest or see if another woman is interested just passing by at the airport, coffee shop, or bar. You might even use the internet to leak out your sexual energy by cruising someone’s facebook profile or surfing porn.  An online or in-person energetic affair can eventually lead to an emotional or physical affair.

Now, this is not to say a guy doesn’t “look” and can’t “look.” But to me that is different. It’s all in your intention and where your awareness is going. If you have a solid relationship, then any kind of “checking someone out” is going to be a lot less harmful or threatening. But if your relationship is built upon a shaky foundation, any instance where you leak your sexual energy out is an invitation for a fight and hurt feelings.

According to Neuman’s research:

• 1 in 2.7 men will cheat, and most of their wives will never find about it.
• 92% of men say that affairs aren’t primarily about sex.

Yikes! But why?

Why do Guys Cheat?

According to marriage counselor Gary Neuman, men cheat because of:

• Loneliness in their relationship or marriage.
• Affirmation from “the other women.”
• Not enough attention at home.

I would add that new Dads might cheat because of:

• Fear. Fear of intimacy, fear of failure, fear of being seen, fear of being hurt. Fear of hurting your partner.
• Anger. Unowned, unexpressed anger about some issue in the relationship
• Disconnection. Feeling no or little connection.
• Irritability with oneself and one’s situation
• Sexually frustrated. Perhaps your wife doesn’t find you attractive or refuses to have sex with you. Pretty soon, you might start looking elsewhere instead of dealing with the issue.
• Feeling left out. Some new dads report feeling “left out” because Mom and newborn are bonding so much. Dad starts to feel ignored and neglected.

Sadly Neuman says that “The number one reason men cheat is that there’s an emotional disconnection in the relationship. Husbands or partners feel underappreciated, and report a lack of thoughtful gestures. They’re lonely in their marriage.”

Here’s the deal. If you are unhappy in your marriage or your relationship, get off your ass and do something about it. If you are “underappreciated” or “disconnected” then get connected, get in the game. Stop waiting for your wife or partner to make the first move. Stop complaining and playing the victim. Take full responsibility today or you might end up with your tail between your legs like Tiger.

The only reason I have ever cheated on any girlfriend or had “emotional affairs,” was because something was “off” in the relationship and in myself and I was unwilling (and scared shitless) to address it.

The issue is quite simple. There is a relationship challenge or obstacle, and guys who cheat don’t want to address it, face it, or confront it. They would rather emotionally and physically “exit” the relationship. They “leak” energy outside the monogamous relationship.

So, why did Tiger Woods cheat?

It’s anybody’s guess, but in my eyes, he was obviously scared to address some issues before things got out of hand.

To me cheating is not the issue. Remember it’s a symptom. What set this behavior off? What was it that Tiger was feeling, experiencing, and wanting that he did not speak to? What was he so afraid of?

Tiger still has a real opportunity to “teach” his new children about love and about the challenges of relationship. But sadly, I don’t trust him to do that. He doesn’t have to. He can just keep playing golf, making great cash and people will likely forgive him. But most of us are not Tiger.

It’s time for men to Man Up

Remember this is not about staying together or acting “good.” Religious approaches to staying married simply don’t work. This is about getting real and being willing to tell the truth, no matter how painful to yourself first, then your partner.

When I work with couples, it is often the woman who drags the man into counseling or relationship coaching. This is sad but generally true. Why? Dudes don’t want to admit that they struggle or that something is wrong.

How could such a champion be so incompetent in relationship? Well, relationship is a lot more challenging for Tiger than golf. It is humbling for us to see such a champion brought to his knees and reveal his inadequacies and shame. Remember, he’s human like you and me.

I doubt Tiger will make a vow to be as good at relationship as he is at golf. But you can. If you still have something to learn about relationship and intimacy, practice being a student, take some classes, get some coaching and learn.

It is possible to have an amazing marriage and relationship. It took my wife and I about four years of intense counseling, coaching, mentoring to get to a place of profound intimacy. We hit a plateau and now we both want to go further. So, we are diving in and being students again, learning, opening, and making space for the magic of our connection to penetrate us both.

Relationship is an ever changing sea of chaos, uncertainty, love, pain, loss, and intensity. That is, if you engage it fully.

What to do?

So, if you are in a struggling or challenging marriage or relationship and you genuinely want it to be different, do something about it. Or, if you are in a good marriage, but know there can be more spark, more juicy sex, more profound love, get off the couch and take full responsibility for going after what you want.  Don’t pretend like you have your marriage handled if you don’t.

• Stay focused on your own growth and change. Do your own individual work. If your partner won’t agree to seek help, just work on accepting that and work to change yourself. Don’t get sucked into trying to fix your partner.
• Get professional help. I mean really good professional help. There are so many crappy relationship therapists, counselors, and coaches out there. Find one you instantly trust and feel safe with. It’s okay to ask for help. It’s okay to ask for help. It’s okay to ask for help.
• Get feedback from trusted friends and your men’s group. I’m not talking about friends who give lame advice. I’m talking about friends who have no agenda for you, save you being true and honest with yourself.
• If your relationship is going well, celebrate it–regularly!!
• If you divorce or leave the relationship please know and understand that your issues will follow you. You will find yourself in a similar situation unless YOU change. Try it on that you are the person with the relationship issue. That’s the good news. Knowing this gives you the freedom to do something about it.

This post inspired by Bill Harryman blogging about chapter two in David Deida’s book Way of The Superior Man

Commitment 10

I vow to live with an open heart even if it hurts. And, I commit to following my heart, no matter the cost. Read more here. (see other commitments here.)

In a powerful medicine ceremony the other night I was reminded how much it burns to keep my heart open.  Then I felt the sheer power of my open heart. In that moment, I renewed my vow to keep my heart open and available.

If you claim you want deep love and true connection but you walk around with a closed heart, read on. If you want to know your life’s calling and you keep your heart stifled and tucked away, it’s unlikely you’ll ever find your purpose in this life. If you are a man who longs to be seen, acknowledged, understood, or loved, this is required reading for you.

If you are a human being, you have been hurt in some way. And chances are you still walk around with that hurt, the pain locked up inside you, buried for really valid reasons. The good news is that your old hurt can be the key to unlock your power and potential.  All of us need help opening our heart further and further.

Living with your heart open is a rich, unexplored part of the path for most men. Many men keep their heart closed their whole life, never even opening up to their spouse or intimate partner.

I was that guy until about age 30—walking around with a puffed out chest and a closed heart.  At the same time I guarded my heart, I also longed for deep connection. Little did I know that it was up to me to make the first move. And, I had no clue that in order to get what I wanted, I had to start feeling.

So, why bother opening my heart?

First, let’s look at it from the opposite angle; why not open your heart? Ask yourself “what is the worst thing that can happen?” It gets broken? You get hurt again? Remember, you are already walking around with hurt. Do you fear what you are already feeling?

Many of you already have had a broken heart.

For me, I had a long list of really good reasons why I was not opening up to my girlfriends and why I kept my distance from my male friends. Mostly, I would blame others. I was saving it for the big day when I met that special woman. “Well, if I knew she was the one, then I would open up to her.”

Had I never looked in the mirror and got honest with myself, I would have taken my amazing heart to my grave. A lot of men take this approach and end up dying feeling alone and broken. In fact, the number one cause of death among men in the US for the last many years? Heart disease.

Here are a few reasons to consider opening that heart of yours

Your heart is the key to your aliveness

Believe me, I know it’s painful and it can even sting, but try this on–feeling into your broken or closed heart is the way back to your own aliveness and your freedom as a man. The more you allow yourself to feel (including anger, sadness, and fear), the more alive you will be.

Your heart is the key to your intuition

If you have a closed heart, chances are that you are cut off from your intuition. Your intuition can be a powerful force in your life if you have access to it. It’s your ultimate guide and it is the inner authority on you and your life.

Your heart knows the truth

Your heart doesn’t lie. When you make decisions in life, your heart is the voice that lets you know if you made a good decision or a bad one. Having access to your heart is the way to the truth of your own life.

Your heart is the key to your integrity

The more you can open your heart, the more you allow it to connect with your balls, your head and your spine. When you have an erect spine and you stand with your balls, heart and head in alignment, you are more powerful and unwavering as a man.  You become less and less likely to abandon yourself, placate, or veer off your path.

Your heart allows you to serve

Having an open heart gives you empathy; the feeling required to genuinely help others in need. You begin to “feel into” the suffering and because it hurts, you naturally want to help. A fearless man faces suffering head on. A coward runs from suffering.

Your heart is what your lover wants

Give up the game of hiding out and waiting for the special day to open your heart. Do us all a favor and crack that sucker open. Feel the depth and profundity of what is there. When I open my heart to my wife, she melts and nothing else matters. When I open my heart to a stranger I am met with a smile and we both are more alive having shared the interaction.

But how do I open my heart?

Here are five practices to experiment with opening your heart at home.

Practice 1: Breathing exercise

Lie down. Put your left hand on your heart, your right hand on your lower belly. Relax and let the floor support you. Think of a time when you felt your heart, either a past love or a painful childhood memory. Breathe into your heart. See if you can identify a feeling such as sad, happy, inspired, scared. Breathe into that now. Feel the sensations. What does your body feel like lying there?

Practice 2: Visualize Yourself as a boy when you were hurt.

Building upon the previous practice, close your eyes and imagine you are 4, 6, or 10. Some age when you experienced being bullied, shamed, abused, attacked or really hurt. Let the scared boy know that you are hear to listen to him and be with him. Place your hand on your heart and breathe. Continue to let him know you are there for him. Feel whatever arises. If nothing happens, attend to him again when you have some quality alone time.

Practice 3: Stay connected to your balls

Stand up with your feet shoulder width apart. Shoulders relaxed, knees unlocked. A lot of men think that if they feel their heart or show their feelings, they are weak and less of a man. Just because you are being asked to “feel your feelings” doesn’t mean you need to lose your manliness, direction & power by cutting off your balls.  The saying in some men’s circles is “balls and heart.” The two together make you more attractive to women and trustable to other powerful men. Breathe first down into your balls and then up into your heart. Exhale down through your feet. Feel the weight of your balls. Feel the power of your heart. Feel your spine connect balls, heart, and head. Feel your feet root through the floor. Feel your power.

Practice 4: Take some space

Next time you get in a fight with your friend, partner, or spouse, take 5-10 minutes alone by saying something like, “I’m too heated right now to respond. I need some space. I’ll be back in a few minutes.”

Then do practice 2. Really breathe into that hurt place in you and feel it fully, rather than being in your head, justifying all the ways she’s wrong. Stay with your breath and your body sensations. This is the way out. Fights with our lovers are always opportunities to open our heart further.

Want to up the ante and really challenge yourself? Try the next one.

Practice 5: Find another man to be your practice partner and practice being witnessed

Since most men struggle to be genuinely open with another man, this might be a great edge for you to explore.

Next time you are hurt, try telling this man about your hurt. For example, let’s say you just lost your job and you it brings up feelings of worthlessness and fear. You then say to your practice partner, “I lost my job. I feel worthless and afraid right now.” As much as possible feel it and be seen.

Many men would rather keep their pain to themselves. This is a good strategy if you do not want to experience the depth of love and freedom that can come with sharing your heart with another person.

But if you want deep love and connection, sharing your pain builds trust and intimacy. Granted, sometimes when we open up, the other person wants to “fix it” or they try to make you feel better. Skip that approach. It does little to help you open your heart.

Attempt to find someone who will just be there and validate your experience.

Ask yourself what kind of relationships you want? To be a revolutionary man, it is not good enough to stay shut down with a closed heart. As always, don’t take my word for it, try staying shut down or opening up and see what happens.

When you are going about your day, begin to notice how much you are closing or opening based upon the situation and context. Pay attention without judging yourself.

Opening our heart to ourselves is the most important practice of all.

Retweet or email this post along. The world could use more fierce, open-hearted men who can express themselves.

Will you be one of them?

So, what should you do about your dating and relationship challenges?

For starters sign up for my free teleseminar called Relationships with Heart: Dating for Evolving Men on October 20th at 430 PM MST.

I’m psyched once again to be teaching along side my good bro Tripp Lanier, host of the New Man Podcast. We have been invited to teach a teleseminar on dating and relationships with some big wigs in the personal development field.

You’ll get to hear about my own relationship challenges and how I broke through them.

Maestro Conference is a unique platform so you will be in small groups talking to other men from around the world rather than just sit and be a passive listener. It’s super interactive.

I’d recommend checking out their other presenters as well. They have some heavy hitters like Dan Milman, Deepak Chopra, T. Harv Ecker, Decker Cunov and so many other talented gurus. So many awesome calls–go check it out here.

To register for the free call click here.

If you are single, you’ll also want to check out Gaia Soulmates and set up a profile there. Word on the street is that the women far out number the men, so get your profile up and running.