The pro-porn argument lacks any valid weight, “Hey man, nothing’s wrong with masturbating to hot women, what’s your problem?” Right.

I have nothing against sexuality, masturbation, or sexual aliveness. But porn has co-opted our sexuality and is now dictating the rules of how men and women are supposed to be with each other intimately. And, if I’m not paying attention, porn will teach my son an incredibly narrow form of sexuality.

In my own life, porn was a big distraction. A distraction away from my feelings, my body, and my experience. Along with other “checking out” behaviors, it served to relieve me temporarily from my suffering. Quickly, shame and guilt would settle in, as would more behaviors to hide it all. I was never an “addict.” I never paid for sites or spent hours online. I would get in, get out, then hide. Even still, it felt like shit.

It wasn’t until I was able to talk openly with my male friends about it, that I began to gain some power, control, and choice around the matter.  Through my connections to my male friends, the shame virtually went away and we discovered that nearly 100% of the time, we surfed to avoid something, typically discomfort, pain, or unwanted feelings.

The cost? It took me away from the very thing I wanted — intimacy with Self and other. And that’s what I’d argue it’s doing to the male psyche.

I see male clients who eventually get to their “porn issue” which they have often underestimated as having any impact on their life. Surfing porn in guy culture is very common which is its main justifying argument as to why a man can keep giving himself permission to use. “Hey honey, all guys do it, it’s biology, it’s normal.”

But sooner or later a man will begin to feel the internal or external cost of his porn behavior. It might start out with a lowered sex drive for his partner or wife. Some men will begin to experience some kind of sexual dysfunction such as premature ejaculation, delayed ejaculation, or erectile dysfunction. For other men, it furthers their sense of isolation and moves them further from what they claim they want—more love. For others still, it destroys their marriage and leaves them feeling even more alone. Porn use can have some women feeling pissed, alone and longing for a real man to show up.

One of my former clients shares that he has a really hard time connecting with his real girlfriend’s real body. Another man shares that sex feels dirty, wet, sweaty, and the parts don’t look the same as the videos. He reminds me that actors on a screen have trained him, over and over. So when the real thing comes along, he is challenged. Another guy struggles to get hard and stay hard. His partner is feeling the impact and wondering how to navigate it all. One man prefers the online stuff because the “real thing” is too complicated. Still another man hides his porn use from his wife because it might be a deal breaker.

What is your experience? Comment below please.

Outside my personal opinion and experience is growing research that suggests more porn = more men suffering.  Here are several examples:

*According to Psychology Today, it’s a growing problem for men and their rates of sexual dysfunction are increasing.

*According to this amazing site: http://yourbrainonporn.com/ there is significant impact on the brain and how men train their brain through porn (This site is AMAZING and full of solid resources).

*If you don’t want to spend a ton of time on the above site, the site’s author Gary Wilson wrote a good piece for The Good Men Project’s called: How Porn Can Ruin Your Sex Life and Your Marriage.

*Here’s a good one from Naomi Wolf summing up some of the research on how porn is impacting the male brain called Is Porn Driving Men Crazy?

*Here’s a scary one about the developing adolescent brain. So vulnerable to addiction and heavy porn use. The cost of porn on the adolescent brain.

*Then there’s an interesting project called the Social Cost of Pornography where a group collaborates to publish what looks like a solid book on the subject. http://www.socialcostsofpornography.org

*I found this great article in the Washington Post called The Cost of Growing Up on Porn. The author even finds “research” suggesting that contrary to popular belief, porn isn’t hurting men at all.  He debunks it and reminds us that porn is indeed hurting a lot of us.

*And lastly, since parents (specifically Dads) are or unable or unwilling to educate their sons, most teen boys are learning about sex through porn. The average age boys are exposed to hard core porn is 11. Many get exposed at 8. Once again, we can find the roots of this growing problem in the good ‘ol boy code and bro code. It’s no surprise then that when we don’t teach boys about sex, they’ll learn about it somewhere else.

So, could porn really be killing the male sex drive? For some men, yup. Does Porn have the potential to leave embodied women starving for men who can relate to their real bodies in real time? Probably. Is porn training men to be less and less available lovers? Most likely.

When men are in pain, disconnected from their bodies, and stressed out in their lives, porn offers instant, easy, ongoing relief. Porn is also one of the most accessible, seductive distractions to take a man out of his center. Men and adolescent boys who have rarely ‘worked on themselves’ hardly stand a chance against porn. With few effective tools to engage this fight, a man will often loose. What will he loose? His center, which is the core of his integrity. Shame will fill the void. He will be run by shame and instead of owning it, will posture over it like Beowulf until he chooses to face it.

What is the cost to women? To our children? What happens when we let a money making machine teach us about the most sacred and beautiful part of who we are?

Finally, now that we can begin to see the problem, how will we each address it in our own bodies, homes, and communities?

For men who struggle with porn and are willing to do something about it, I have three simple, but unconventional recommendations amid the hundreds of options out there. I understand this is a very complicated issue and healing this will be different for every man.

1. To start off, Your Brain on Porn offers what appears to be an awesome “rebooting” program to help men wean themselves off porn and begin the journey. But this is only the start. A man must be willing and committed to getting his center back. Like Beowulf, he must choose to slay the dragon he co-created.
2. Connection to Self. In order to get back in his integrity, he will have to occupy his body and learn the way of embodiment. When men are in their bodies and connected to themselves, their heart, and anchored in their center, porn doesn’t stand a chance. Stay tuned for a tele series with me and David Cates as we expand further upon this and offer practices to support.
3. Relationship. When we prefer intimacy on a screen over real human touch, we have certainly gone astray, but given our tech culture and our conditioning, it’s understandable. I’m with Gabor Mate in seeing addiction as a relationship issue, not a biological one. The way out of porn use then, is through relationship. This can mean groups, therapy, attachment work, etc. Bottom line? Very intimate, sensory, real, raw relationships with other real human beings is the way out.

We are here to practice being who we are. We are here to occupy who we are. Let’s take our seat on the stallion within us that’s waiting to be ridden. Let’s explore the deep, sacred masculine together.

This experience is about getting in our bodies, our hearts and the present moment using relationship practice and music.

Friday, Jan 20th. Doors open at 7pm. Doors close at 730pm sharp so we can all get on the same page in terms of context for the night. You are free to leave whenever you want to.

**FAH REALS, doors will LOCK at 730pm. If you arrive after 730pm, you will miss the event.**
So get yourself there on time, masculine-style.

What’s available:

• *Truly seeing and being seen
• *Belonging and feeling connected to a dynamic community
• *Laughter and play with no filler or bullshit
• *Circling, clearings, feedback, relationship practice
• *Deep somatic and musical experiences

Our loose outline:

First half of the night is relationship practice, dyads, and small groups. Second half of the night is an open-ended, improvisational music and movement experience (a “tribal pod”).

Facilitation provided by Jayson, Tom Daly, Robert MacNaughton, Joshua Levin, Reuvain Bacal, and maybe a surprise guest or two.

Our first BME got the ball rolling with a big turn out of 43 men. Awesome! Let’s keep seeing and savoring what happens when conscious dudes gather on a regular basis (outside of a formal, closed men’s circle) with bold intention and fun facilitation.

Cost: $20, (feel free to pay here ahead of time)

What to bring: an intention for the nite, 20 bucks, a drum if you have one, any other musical instruments like shakers, flutes, rattles, whatever.

Please RSVP here. And invite your bros if they’re not already invited. This is an OPEN event!

Will be held every month in 2012. Next BME is  Feb 24, then March 16th. Save the dates.

This post is about the mess we are in around male sexuality. I am here to name it and simply put it in the open for all of us to see.

I received ZERO training around sex or my body until age 34. None. My dad dropped the ball as did my culture. My first sexual experience was traumatic. I experienced shame, humiliation and betrayal all in one dark night. This became my imprint that I am still dealing with to this day.

Instead of learning, I went into hiding like most men run by shame. I listened to other peers who were equally immature and confused.

Before I sought out help, I was left adrift, aimlessly trying to be a man with this cosmic sword between my legs. No one ever taught me the profound power my cock could yield. That I could give life or destroy life with its power.

Fortunately for me I now have excellent mentors and friends who are helping me grow up my sexuality and dive into it’s headwaters with open arms.

So how did we get into this mess?

I’m guessing there’s more to the story than this, but I’m naming one GIANT dynamic if not THE dynamic that got us here.

First, let’s acknowledge that some of us (not me) got an amazing, healthy, wise education around sex, our bodies, and our sexuality. Then, let’s acknowledge that there are a good number of people out there that believe we are teaching are kids plenty, even too much, about sex and sexuality.

Leaving it up to the Churches and schools to train our kids about their penises and vaginas and how to use them has gotten us where we are today, ashamed, avoiding, and hoping someone else will teach this complicated stuff for us. If those entities did a great job, we’d be seeing different results.

Because adults have been, by in large, too ashamed or limited in themselves, they have taught our boys a very watered down version of sex education. That’s the best case scenario. It’s either nothing at all or a “birds and the bees” talk in middle school or high school.

Think about what you got in terms of sex ed. I got a health class in 8th grade (in Utah) and then my dad talked to me in High school about wearing a condom. That’s it. That’s all I got.

So, what did I do? I learned from peers (well before high school) who were equally as ashamed, misinformed, and confused.

I was completely and utterly abandoned, as was my father by his father and on and on. I get that it wasn’t his fault. How could he teach me anything about sex given what was taught to him by a Dad who probably never even mentioned it? Generations of betrayal. Generations of neglect and looking the other way, hoping kids would “figure it out” or innocently thinking it would take care of itself.

So, when I think about my own son, I can see the doorway toward “letting him figure it out.” That door is wide open and would be easy for me to just drop the ball and keep the family lineage of abandonment alive.

But I won’t do that. No way. Not in my house. I refuse to let other 4, 5, 6, 7 year old boys teach my son about his sacred body. I refuse to let another kid shaming him while he’s naked or hard core porn be his first sexual experience. I will show up for my son. I’m scared and excited to teach him everything about his beautiful body and its power. I feel inspired to train him to use his penis responsibly. And guess what? My son is 3 years old and needs information now! He is exploring his body right now! Wait until middle school? I don’t think so.

Most of us men received little to no sexual training as boys. We simply learned from other boys. Our first sexual experiences were often either molestation (1 in six boys is sexually abused before age 16), experimentation with ourselves (some kind of masturbation, mostly to porn these days) or other boys (more than one-third of the sexual abuse of America’s children is committed by other minors).

As boys, in order to fit in, we were supposed to make fun of other boys when we were naked. If we were too “good” or too scared to do that, we got quiet and became bystanders hoping some adult would step up and set a boundary. When no one did, we remained silent because speaking up we might have faced ridicule or humiliation.

Anything that resembled being gay or too feminine, we shamed and humiliated in each other and called it “funny.” We were mostly taught that sex is great, but also bad and that masturbation is bad even though it feels good. Hmmm….Our choice? Posture and fake it trying to “be one of the guys,” or go underground with our sexuality and experiment in isolation.

Pile on some confusion…

As teen boys, we taught each other to objectify women and keep score. We were either taught that w0men like strong men that are stoic and hide their vulnerability like any super hero in the movies, or maybe we took the gentleman’s path, (slightly more conservative but still damaging) where we are supposed to take care of women and be “clean” by never masturbating or succumbing to our animal desires, thus being a “good boy.”

If we were gay, or wondered if we were gay, we had no where safe to turn to, no one to ask, no place to explore in a safe way. So, again we isolated and felt shame and guilt. Then we might have played along with the straight boys thus adding more self-abandonment and confusion.

Then we found oursevles in an oversexualized culture where women’s bodies were everywhere for us to gawk at including in video games, TV, magazines, and even in men’s sports. We went to college where our sex drive was through the roof and we sprayed it around like a firehose with no supervision and little consequence. Or we were so confused, we shut down and got quiet. If we wanted to be “one of the guys” we tried to get laid a lot and talked a big game, thinking that might win us friends. If we didn’t take that path, we stayed a quiet bystander letting our brothers off the hook over and over as they objectified and used women over and over again while we may have dug inward for answers alone.

Pile on more confusion….

Of course, then we became adult men (whatever that means), and even though we have the power to seek out a therapist or professional to get help with the confusion and power between our legs, we didn’t. Either because we didn’t even know it was an option, or because we might face ridicule from our peers–more shame and humiliation, all part of the gender straightjacket.

Now that we are officially confused and ashamed about our penis and sex, and live in a culture that supports our dis-embodiment, we find comfort in our disconnection. It’s the new norm. We mask over any whisper of shame or fear so we can fit in with the guys and hope to meet a cool woman that likes us. Then in our isolation, while no one is looking and with the door locked, we find relief–porn. It’s quick, easy, cheap, with an endless variety where we don’t have to deal with the complexities of interpersonal relationship dynamics. We can stay alone and keep it locked away in our inner sanctum. It even gives us temporarily relief from the stress in our lives (post coming shortly on the cost of porn on men).

Whew.

Once again, the boy code has conditioned us into a little, tiny corner where we remain alone, confused, and isolated. Our conditioning is a trap. Be a certain way, and don’t act outside the box. If you do, we will humiliate you. Don’t speak up or intervene, b/c that too is gay, weak, or feminine. So, stay put, stay a bystander, stay in your box.

So this is where we are today

Like it or not, the state of male sexuality in this culture (and probably the world) is that of a sick, neglected, and deeply abandoned child, and we can see the wake of it everywhere in our lives. The way boys treat girls, the way men treat women. The way boys treat boys. The bullying and shame, coercion, and intimidation to be a certain way sexually. The gay jokes, the “small penis” jokes, the “pussy” jokes, the rape, misogyny, misandry,  the violence, Matthew Shepard, Penn State, The Catholic Church, and the shame and self-hatred toward our own bodies.

All taught by who? Boys.

That’s right. We adults have put boys in charge of teaching other boys about the most sacred parts of their bodies. Boys are teaching other boys about sexuality in this culture. And because adults are unable or unwilling to step up, this is the mess we are in.

Wow.

So, this is on the table for us to examine and see clearly. How about we pause and take this all in.

Breathe.

The next question for me is “okay, what do I do about it?”

In my own home, I will take on the responsibility to teach and train my son about his “wee wee” (penis), his body, and his sexuality with unwavering respect and love.

In terms of the global problem, the questions are rolling in. From single moms to new dad’s like me.

It appears that I’m being asked to lead and guide here, so I want to step up. So, stay tuned for solutions such as tele-courses for parents with age specific info and other creative classes. I might also have to start my BoyStrong business sooner, which is a newer, more practical version of the boy scouts which will train young boys to be relationally adept, sexually aware, and open-hearted– little Jedis on the playground who help and inspire other kids.

While many men are struggling big time and remain very locked up, others are breaking free of their conditioning and taking balanced, conscious action in their lives.

To celebrate this masculine expansion, and to go further, I’m organizing the Boulder Men’s Experience. At the core of this event is the sacred masculine.

What is the sacred masculine?

I’m not really sure, but from the guidance I’ve received thus far, it is simply what’s available to us men when we connect to our bodies, our hearts and the present moment. Because this is where the sacred masculine lives–in the now.

When we men do this, we live more full engaged lives. We stand empowered to laugh, love, and serve. If I choose to live in this way as an embodied man in contemporary culture it is a privilege and a massive responsibility, worthy of pristine care and respect.

As some of you know, I have taken a break from “men’s work” for a while. And now, I’m slowly coming back to engage in a more sustainable, inspired way. I’m also listening to the fact that my leadership is needed in the masculine realm and because I have a son, the masculine conversation is one I’ll be in for the rest of my life.

So, I’m taking a stand for the masculine and in doing so, I take a stand for the feminine. I’m committed to owning the sacred masculine within me as if it were the sheer, raw power of a great, wild steed in need of a good rider.

Stoked.

Brothers–let’s unite. Let us gather, laugh, cry, and clean up the space in our own bodies so that the sacred masculine has an open home to occupy. One way to do this is getting together in men’s circles or locally at the Boulder Men’s Experience.

I had been feeling a little stuck.

Then I listened to this song. It brought me to tears, twice (Thanks Indigo for sending this along).

It woke up the dreaming child in me. It helped me get unstuck in 6 minutes.

What I love most about it is his playful, cosmic message to simply take a risk. And that’s what I’m about to do…

Nahko (Medicine for the People) from The Portland Sessions on Vimeo.

Photo By Joshua Levin

As many of you know, I have been in a massive surrendering process for almost two years now.

My habitual “push” is getting less and less air time and my willingness to surrender and trust is becoming more of a daily reality.

My ongoing softening process has been facilitated largely by my children. They continue to chisel away at my defenses and blocks, opening me to more and more love.

I’m also getting support from my wife Ellen, Megan Eggers, David Cates, meditation, and the occasional ayahuasca dive.

More support recently came from an experience at the Authentic Community Leadership course led by Decker Cunov, Kendra Cunov, and Bryan Bayer of Authentic World.

I helped facilitate small groups throughout the weekend around the subject of community leadership. Yet, largely the weekend was about relationship practice—seeing and being seen.

I got to work alongside new and old friends and a few folks from Authentic World team, mainly Decker, Kendra, and Bryan. I learned a lot from them and it felt so awesome to be humble enough to learn from my peers. I am pretty much the only facilitator not trained in their modality of “circling,” yet they trust me enough to do my thing (more evidence that I’m okay just as I am).

And, on the very last night with two hours to go until we closed, my brother Adrial Dale, a guy who I’ve never met, who has been following this blog since its inception, shared with me how I have changed his life.

With tears in his eyes, he recounted how he judged the shit out of me three years ago. Then how over time he slowly grew to respect me. He gave example after example of how I have touched him and inspired him to put himself out there. The exercise was supposed to be about him and somehow the tables turned and he just kept firing love bombs at me. Slowly, with no defensiveness, or deflecting away, I let his love in.

My whole body was buzzing, tears welled up. Something in me just kept saying YES to his honest, vulnerable truth. A near total stranger was seeing me, really seeing me.

I let his love in completely. And, it shattered me into pieces.

I cried. I laughed.

The photo above is me lying on the floor after Adrial sliced me open with his love.

Wow.

More new and old friends moved in to just witness me and hold me there. I must have been on the floor (in the middle of the room) for a good hour while the workshop kept going. I couldn’t get up and it felt soooo good to just lay there in a puddle.

I deeply received his experience of me. Receiving love has been a major edge in my life and this experience was very affirming at the progress I’ve made. Whew.

And this is what can happen in community and when we dare to be ourselves and share openly with others how they have impacted us.

More please.

My son finding a bug

I often have women come see me who consistently report that the men in their lives are stuck, unhappy, and unwilling to do anything about it. The only time I see those types of men is when their lives and relationships start to fall apart.

Why is this?

Are men just lame? clueless? Just guys? Do we really only care about sports, boobs, gadgets and cars? Or is there more to the story?

Men are falling dramatically behind women (here’s a study backing this up, and some other data here). And boys are falling dramatically behind girls in education (Somewhat conflicting info here with some reports saying it’s still a level playing field, and others saying the way schools are set up is more suited to girl learning styles and not really suited to handle the way boys learn).

Despite what these studies show, my own experience says this: Generally speaking, men are limping along while women are kicking ass.

Why?

Most of the research out there points to schooling. That boys simply learn differently than girls and that schools, by in large, support learning styles and environments that favor girls.

This is all great and I can get behind a lot of it. However, the “experts” are missing a critical element that starts from birth onward.

My theory?

The boy code:  Boys are trained out of their natural essence and expected to adhere to what William Pollack describes as the boy code. Michael Kimmel takes the idea further in his book Guyland and speaks about how men remain boys stuck in “guyland.”

Our entire culture supports boys to abandon themselves and their true essence.

We men have been conditioned to be the way we currently are. We were conditioned out of our intuition, emotions, felt sense, and our relational capacity. Believe it or not, men are as sensitive as women and as capable relationally.

Yet because of our culture and the stifling boy code, we have been trained not to be this way. I also understand part of this conversation is about nature (biology) and that men are VERY different from women in endless ways (which I celebrate), but I’m not going to talk about nature. Nurture is something I can do something about so that’s where my attention is.

My attention is on how boys and men are trained to be emotionally shut down and disconnected from themselves.

When I look around at teenage boys and young men I feel scared. Most are lost, disconnected, and pissed off, rightfully so.

Here is my master’s paper on the subject from 2005. This excerpt begins on page seven of my 40 page paper. (you might also want to read my post “Why many men are still boys and what can be done about it). I have added a few new thoughts below the excerpt.

——————————————

Infancy, the beginning of disconnection

The kind of man a boy grows into is laid down in early childhood development. His earliest relationships strongly dictate how a boy will be in relation to his world. If a boy’s feelings and emotional needs for closeness and connection are not recognized and valued or they are neglected or abused, he will most likely begin to disconnect from himself and have significant issues with trust (Ewen, 1998).

William Pollack Ph.D. (1998), a leading researcher in male behavior, believes the conditioning of acceptable male behavior begins as early as infancy. He cites research at Rutgers University, which showed that mothers attempted to sooth their infant boy by responding with encouragement to happy emotions while “discouraging more unhappy emotions” (p. 40).  This conditioning slowly stifles a boy’s emotional expression and gives him strong messages over time of how to be in the world:  to be okay, he cannot trust his internal experience and he needs to behave in an acceptable way. The boy will mistrust his true self and begin to form a false self based upon what his environment and caregiver support. Herein lies the root of man’s disconnection.

The Boy Code and further disconnection

The acceptable behavior a boy begins to live by is what Pollack (1998) calls the “boy code.” The boy code “is a set of behaviors, rules of conduct, cultural shibboleths, and even a lexicon, that is inculcated into boys by our society—from the very beginning of a boy’s life” (p. xxv). Within the boy code are countless introjects. Introjects are messages that a person takes in from their environment without a lot of thought or discernment. The boy code teaches boys several introjects:  “Don’t be like a girl,” “don’t be too tender or close with other boys,”  “act like a man,” and  “don’t be a mama’s boy.”  Adding to their confusion in a world of feminist thought, men also hear “don’t be like most men,” or, from a mother in a family with an absent or abusive father, “don’t be like your father.” Several of these introjects will be addressed in the pages that follow.

The “Gender Straightjacket”

James A. Doyle (1983), author of The Male Experience suggests that the first lesson in the boy code is “Don’t be like a girl” (p. 161). Instead of being taught how to be, boys are taught how NOT to be, “what girls do, boys don’t” (p. 150). Doyle (1983) believes this is the root of misogyny and sexism because boys believe that girls and women are, “unequal, bad and inferior” (p. 150). How many grown men in a patriarchal society hold this same childhood teaching?  The boy code confuses the young boy because it splits off his inner experience of self (emotions and feelings) from an outer one that is based on cultural norms and expectations (boy code), thus increasing the disconnection. He is bombarded with more messages such as “don’t be a baby,” “don’t be a wimp,”  “ don’t be a sissy,” “don’t feel your feelings.”  The boy begins to take in these introjects all the while feeling ashamed of his authentic, internal experience. Over time, a boy will slowly shut down his inner world in the service of doing what’s expected. Pollack (1998) believes that by doing this, society is placing a boy into a “gender straightjacket” (p. 40). This gender straightjacket constrains boys and men to behave in socially accepted ways based upon their gender. Pollack (1998) and men’s writer Loren Pedersen (1991) agree that this confusion ultimately wears a young man down and may later bring on depression, failed relationships, emotional staleness or even suicide. The confusing introjects a boy will receive do not stop there.

Relationship with Mother

Since most men are raised by their mothers (in the midst of absent, abusive or emotionally unavailable fathers), this relationship is paramount for how a boy will do relationship later in life (Doyle, 1983). Somewhere along the line, a boy will hear the message “don’t be a mama’s boy,” which implies that he is too close, affectionate or clingy with his mother. Pollack’s research shows that a young boy actually does not want to be apart from his mother and that disrupting a boy’s desire to stay connected to his mother is “devastating” and “traumatic”  (1998, p. 27). Pollack adds, “If a boy had been allowed to separate at his own pace, that longing and sadness would not be there, or would be much less” (1998, p. 27).  Pollack (1998) also believes that the roots of shame a man feels can be traced back to this premature separation. Doyle (1983) agrees and adds, “In our culture, boys are socialized earlier into their sex role and pushed away from parental dependencies earlier than girls are” (p. 95). Unfortunately a nurturing father is often not available when the boy separates from his mother, so boys will seek the guidance and support of their peer group (Doyle, 1983).  A boy’s relationship with his mother is often his only emotional connection. What about his father and how does this relationship impact a boy’s disconnection?

Relationship with Father            

Whatever role his father plays will have a lasting impact on the boy. Most commonly, a boy’s father is the person who turns away or shuts down the boy’s emotions. If his father is around, he may make fun of his son if he is clinging to his mother. Fred R. Gustafson (1997), writing about father-son dynamics, believes that a young man will have a limited and warped sense of masculinity when the father-son relationship is unhealthy and the father is unavailable.  Gustafson (1997) identifies this as having “terrible” consequences such as an ill-defined ego structure, a limited male identity, being controlled by women through guilt and feelings of inadequacy.  Gustafson (1997) believes that the reason “there are so many angry men today…is not only because they have been discouraged from having or expressing feelings, but also because they have not felt a significant loving father presence in their lives” (p. 167).

Male Friendships and Homophobia

How emotionally close are male-male friendships? As stated earlier, often the only emotional connection a boy has is with his mother. Men have learned relationships from single mothers, female partners, sisters and women who are stereotypically more capable of sharing emotions, feelings and relating in general. Yet if a boy is not allowed to be close with his mother or his father, what makes him want to be close with his male friends? Doyle (1983) writes that boys are simply not allowed to publicly express most emotions for fear of being seen as or labeled weak, feminine, too vulnerable, or gay.  Not only are boys not supposed to be close and express feelings with their mother or father, boys are given a clear message that they should not be too close with another boy (Doyle, 1983).  According to Doyle (1983), two of a boy’s biggest fears are being labeled feminine or gay. This is not just an experience boys have; it is pervasive in the adult male population as well. Later in life Doyle adds, “men cannot allow themselves to get too close, to form deep and intimate friendships with other men because they may have to deal with the gnawing fear of homosexuality” (p. 160). When they grow older, men fear that their male peers will judge them as unmanly. Doyle (1983) cites Gregory Lehne who views the fear of homophobia as “a device of social control directed specifically against men to maintain male behavior appropriate to the social situation” (p. 159).  A consequence of this fear is that few men end up having close male friends (Doyle, 1983). Furthermore, few men end up having a close relationship to themselves.

Toward Manhood

As a boy grows toward other developmental tasks, more messages are delivered about how to be in the world all too often with the result of more disconnection. “The primary tasks of adolescence, according to all contemporary notions, are self-definition, identity formation, differentiation” (Raphael, 1998, p. 197).

More confusing introjects of the boy code include, “suck it up and be a man,” or conversely from a world of feminine upbringing, “don’t be like most men,” and from a mother estranged from an absent or abusive husband, “don’t be like your father.” Pollack (1998) writes that, “Without being aware of doing so, society is judging the behavior of boys against outmoded ideas about masculinity and about what it takes for a boy to become a man” (p. xxiv).  Writer of the need for men’s rites-of-passage in this culture, Ray Raphael (1988) adds, “Contemporary society seems to give us differing and conflicting definitions of what manhood is and how it might be achieved” (p. 22).  Adult men will often continue to grapple with their emotions and feelings throughout life.

Rarely do other men support each other’s vulnerabilities and feelings. What do men do? They continue to wear a mask that states “everything’s fine” (Pollack, 1998).  Pollack (1998) also maintains that teenage boys become experts at masking their true selves because they feel ashamed of their vulnerability. Similarly, Sam Keen (1991), best selling author of Fire in the Belly, believes that man avoids his own inner world and all its darkness, hiding behind many masks all in the name of being accepted and being okay in relationship to his outside world.  He continues hiding because society expects a teenage boy to be “hardened,” so he will put on a mask to become tough and manly [italics added] (Pollack, 1998).  The hiding continues and so does the search for self as a teenager moves out of adolescence toward manhood. This is the most common time when a young man will unconsciously or consciously seek initiation toward manhood and attempt to find a sense of belonging.

The need for initiation into Manhood

So, what is a man to do, carrying around so many conflicting messages and views of how to be?  Now that a man has been shaped by his environment and experiences and his heart so often has been ignored, what is the outcome?  Men’s writer Marvin Allen (1995) paints an accurate picture here, “To avoid or to cope with these painful and embarrassing emotions, millions of men have turned to such manly solutions as excess work, alcohol, TV sports, food, sexual compulsions, and even aggression and violence” (p. 311). Men unconsciously yearn for some kind of transition or initiation as they stumble toward manhood. Outmoded ideas abound and as Raphael (1988) observes, many young men create their own challenges in attempts to grow up and be a man; they “join the army, compete in sports, get a job, graduate from college, climb mountains, pledge fraternities, screw girls, get drunk with the guys” (p. 23).  These are not only attempts at becoming a man, but they are all done with an unconscious desire to belong, to be seen, to be accepted, to transition.

As an adult, if a man has deficits in his development and if he was informally initiated through immature means, he will react to the world from a younger place than he actually is; specifically he will react from the exact place of his developmental wound. For example, men’s movement writers Robert Moore and Douglas Gillette (1990) write about boy psychology [italics added] which means that they are stuck in an “immature phase of development” and are behaving from the developmental place where they were wounded. Moore and Gillette (1990) go on, “[man] remains a boy—not because he wants to, but because no one has shown him the way to transform his boy energies into man energies.” (p. 3). The man who feels ashamed is disconnected, or as Moore and Gillette hypothesize, he is a fragmented [italics added] boy leading a chaotic life as a man (1990). These two authors add, “No one has led him into direct and healing experiences of the inner world of the masculine potentials” (p. 3). Poet and mythopoetic men’s movement writer Robert Bly agrees and calls these men “half adults” (p. 45, 1996).  Bly (1996) believes men have not taken on the role of an adult male because elders have not initiated them into manhood. Male fraternities, where pledges are required to withstand hazing and intimidation as a symbol of masculine strength, are a good examples of immature initiation. Raphael (1988) sums it up here: “Fraternities, unlike primitive initiations, allow a youth to retain his childish ways while simultaneously laying claim to a more manly status” (p. 92).

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The rest of the paper begins to explore having a conscious initiation process to become a man using modern rites of passage techniques and systems. However, my attention now is on boys (and mom’s ironically) and men who are open to change. I feel saddened that most men are, as Thoreau put it, “living lives of quiet desperation” and remain resistant to ask for help or guidance.

Our culture supports disconnection and “numbing out” and has made it quite comfortable to be this way, so why bother? For a man to really bust out of his conditioning, a herculean effort and incredible hunger are required.

Neither of the practices (mentioned in the paper) supporting integration will even work if a man is not aware or open to them. So, a critical piece I missed in my master’s paper is that if a man is to change and grow, he has to A) know there’s a problem, B) be willing to admit it to himself, and C) take action by asking for help.

Ironically because of the boy code and man code, he has the strong likelihood of remaining trapped and stuck and will never feel the deep self-connection and connection to all that is.

Lastly, if I were to change the paper now, I would also unpack “initiation” to include a larger sense of meaning and spirituality. Men often do begin to find themselves when the game of life as it was played begins to crumble due to a crisis of some kind. When this happens, the door is open for transformation.

I’m committed to putting an end to the boy code by raising a son to be whomever he is naturally. I have one shot and he’s up against a lot in this culture. I’ll need other dads and boys who are equally as committed. Boys need a true hero’s journey mid-wifed by badass Dad’s who are fully showing up for their son’s.

Perhaps one day I’ll start a new, conscious version of the boys scouts that trains young boys to be fearlessly themselves. Hmmmm….

If you’d like to read the rest, you can download the full PDF version here: The Disconnected Man’s Path to Integration

A great related article by my dear friend Christiane is called Boys as Sacrificial Offerings.

Artwork by Bryce Widom

In my last post, I spoke of a new insight. Using more discipline to support my ongoing surrender.

Many of you asked, “yeah, but how do you not shame yourself or should yourself into doing stuff ‘cause that doesn’t work?”

Let me start by saying this is a very delicate dance. It requires me to know myself very deeply internally. It requires keen presence and awareness.

In 8th grade I was being ungrateful, entitled and in general, a spoiled brat around the subject of friends. This went on for many months. At one point, my Dad lost it and shamed the shit out of me and screamed at me for being an entitled brat. I don’t remember the words, but it set me straight, period. I was different from that day forward.

Looking back it was his “tough love” (yes, with plenty of shame and blame) that set me straight. He cared enough to get in my face and break through my bullshit. Sure, he could have done it way more skillfully, but at the time, it didn’t matter. The message got through. He also rarely broke out that voice, with that tone, in that way. So, it was a rare side of my dad and one I perked up to and listened to even though I cried and cried.

Over the years, whenever I had goals or objectives, I would start shaming myself into doing them. I could never sustain them because a part of me doesn’t like to be told what to do, nor do I like shaming or “shoulds.”

On the one hand, too much shame has us clamp down further and resist, especially if we are feeling insecure, unworthy or depressed about ourselves and our life. On the other hand, used once in a blue moon, our stern, fierce tone/voice from deep care has the power to cut through our resistance.

When I look back to 8^th grade, I needed a serious dose of “tough love” which is something like “Get your fucking head I the game bro! No more distracting yourself.”  It was very helpful in the big picture.

 The Inner Samurai

I recently had one of the most intense trials in my life during an all night ayahuasca ceremony. The only thing that got me through was my tough love with myself. I call this part of me my inner samurai.

He’s there to hold the line with me. He’s there to kick my ass. He gives a shit and loves me so much that he is not willing to stand by and let me waffle my life away.

He’s the guy that parents my kids with vulnerable yet ruthless love. My son knows where the boundaries are, period. Because my inner samurai is in charge, not my son.  Not only that, my inner samurai is there to be fiercely loving to the hurt little boy in me that can try to sneak into the driver seat and run my life. He doesn’t let that happen anymore.  My inner samurai also has a soft side where can be a large teddy bear that holds my hurt boy for hours upon end.

I’m starting to see life as a martial art. I am the martial artist and if I see everything as practice or “training,” then there’s very little room to fuck around. I want to be clear, open, and precise in my life. This requires tremendous discipline. When I’m not in the mood, I’m going to train anyway.

And, my inner samurai now has full reign to crack the loving whip on me if I start to check out or collapse. He cares, deeply. He knows that the only way I’m going to give my gifts in the world while being married and parenting two little ones, is if he is ferociously loving with me.

I am finally finding a “middle way” to confront my own inner slacker and the part of me that checks out and would rather run away from my life. I know the difference in me when I’m shaming myself, which has yet to happen since this insight occurred.

How do I know? When I am shaming myself, my resistance increases, an inner power struggles ensues, and the resistance always wins.

In real life, when teenage boys rebel they are asking for a boundary, a strong figure (ideally a male) to set a limit, but from a place of LOVE, not fear. Granted fear might be in there, but if it is largely coming from love, I’m learning as a parent, that it’s okay to raise my voice sometimes. My son needs me to be there. He needs me to be in my body, present, ready to respond.

If my son is walking in the street and a car is coming, I’m not going to be nice and skillful. I’m going to yell or even scream. Fear is in there yes, but below that is an ocean of the deepest love imaginable. I will do anything for him. So why should my relationship to myself be any different?

Lastly, if and when we raise our voice at our kids or ourselves, we can always “clean it up” later if we have the skills and work on ourselves on a regular basis.

Tough love is playing a key force in my life right now. Mostly with myself. I’m not willing to piss away the days anymore. I don’t have time. When it’s time to work, I’m working. This frees me up to surrender being with my family when it’s kid/family time. Paradoxically, it is also supporting me to be less serious and have more fun!

As an example, this post took 45 minutes to write and not once did I check facebook or my email (both leaky distractions to getting shit done).

It’s a razor’s edge between tough love and shame. I’m committed to loving myself in the most ruthless way possible. I like the results.

*note: my blog currently has a bug so the visual aspect is not as tight as i’d like it to be.

what is your favorite intro personal/spiritual growth book you recommend to a person fresh on the path?

The responses where a wide range from Dr Suess to Ken Wilber. And, there’s some great suggestions in here. I numbered the responses so that you can recommend a number or two to a person and refer them to this list.I also left the comments there as some folks had helpful things to say.

Here’s the list:

1.  Zen mind, beginner’s mind.
2. or something from alan watts.
3. or even siddhartha by herman hesse.
4. zen and the art of motorcycle maintenance.
5. The Untethered Soul by Michael Singer.
6. Chop Wood, Carry Water…
7. A New Earth by Eckhart Tolle
8. Fresh on the path? I would say something by Dr. Suess
9. The Book. Alan Watts.
10. When love meets fear” by David Richo
11. Books by Pema Chodron or Cheri Huber
12. “loving what is” by Byron Katie,
13. Diamond Heart Series by A.H. Almaas
14. The Alchemist
15. ‎”The Work,” Byron Katie.
16. Malidoma Some – Of Water and Spirit
17. The Laws of the Spirit by Dan Millman… it’s good start on what could be difficult and esoteric kind of subject matter and it’s an easy entertaining read.
18. Poetry by Mary Oliver, or
19. The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle
20. Conversations With God (Book 1) by Neale Donald Walsch
21. Cutting Through Spiritual Materialism – Chogyam Trungpa
22. There Is Nothing Wrong With You by Cheri Huber
23. Pretty much anything by Richard Rohr. Simplicity: The Freedom of Letting Go is probably a very good choice.
24. Way of the Peaceful Warrior by Dan Millman.
25. Conversations With God – Walsch….popped into my head
26. On The Road. Jack Kerouack!
27. The Power of Intention.
28. Codependent no more
29. One Dharma by Joseph Goldstein
30. Letters to a Young Poet” -Rainier Maria RIlke
31. Hands down: Dancing in the Eye of Transformation, 10 Keys to Creative Consciousness by Sylvia Brallier one of the most approachable and easy-to-digest resources for personal and spiritual growth I’ve ever seen while still be thorough with a bit of a sense of humor!
32. Siddartha
33. Conversations with God…changed my life!
34. The 4 Agreements would be another major one that is really easy to read and digest.
35. Any Joseph Campbell, I love The Power of Myth. “Follow Your Bliss”
36. Since it is their path i would consider going with them to a bookshop and let them choose what calls more to them. Its nice to gather people to discuss their impression on a book that was also important to us, but that is another idea. I would say let them choose and them share what they got out of it
37. Peaceful Warrior, Dan Millman
38. When Things Fall Apart by Pema Codron If their path was open to it
39. I agree with Allison on the power of now! It has taken a hundred times of listening to it to start to understand, but i think It’s great stuff
40. 7 Habits by Covey. That said, I just read the power of TED and it seems like it’s easy to digest for newbies.
41. Dharma Punx by Noah Levine.
42. Thinking back on it, though…the 3 books that did it for me were required reading for a Freshmen English class I begrudgingly took: “Freedom from the Known” by Jiddu Krishnamurti, “The Myths We Live By” by Joseph Campbell, and – surprisingly, or not – “Tropic of Cancer” by Henry Miller.
43. To add a few how about be here now ram dass, celestine prophecy, and the ordinary magic compilation…..
44. What a great list!! I am so going to write down all of these and re-read or check out new ones I’ve not read! I’ve been caught in that pre-occupation of life thing again and reading through these titles reminds me of a time when all this was new and I was a huge sponge taking it all in. Thinking back, the Celestine Prophecy was my very first read that put me on my path to following my own bliss nearly 20 years ago. Then Richard Bach, Dan Millman, Alan Watts, David Abram and more. But Joseph Campbell is my hero! ♥ him
45. Prometheus Rising” by Robert Anton Wilson; also, a few of those already mentioned, and “Dancing Wu-Li Masters”
46. I noticed a distinct lack of Leo Buscaglia shout-outs
47. Any Pema Chodron book
48. Wilber’s Brief History of Everything.
49. And the 4 agreements.
50. That Cheri Huber book is pretty great.
51. Trungpa’s Shamballa.
52. Power of Now – Eckhart Tolle
53. Core Transformation by Connirae Andreas.
54. The Road Less Traveled by Scott Peck
55. Personal Development for Smart People by Steve Pavlina

Any others? Please comment below and include why you like the book. Over time, I’ll add your comments to the list.

I have been wanting to find the “flow” more in my life. To write from ease and grace. To have work feel more effortless. I have been wanting to surrender even further to Life.

The guidance that came was discipline. Discipline facilitates the surrender and ease I claim I want. At first it didn’t make sense.

Then it did. I saw it in the main area of my life, parenting.

For example, as a parent I can’t let it all go and “just be.” I have to maintain exuberant discipline. If I have clear and firm boundaries as a parent, my kids feel safe to explore who they are. If I’m wishy-washy or lazy, they don’t know what is what or where the edges are, thus their healthy ego development is compromised.

I choose to exert a tremendous amount of disciplined energy to be present and available for my kids so they can keep relaxing into a safe container and be their fullest selves.

In other words, firm boundaries support my son and daughter to be free to be who they are.

Another example is in my marriage.  A tight container (exclusivity, commitment, monogamy, etc) supports relaxation and freedom to really let go and surrender to union with my lover.

This is also what I see as the heart of yoga as a spiritual path. Exerting intense discipline in each posture with presence and awareness allows for the moments of surrendering where the body can have a new experience. And all the exertion throughout the class gets to the last and final pose–savasana, said to be the most difficult posture in yoga. From my limited understanding, savasana is all about surrender. For me, surrender appears to be my most difficult “posture” my everyday life.

I even see this in any spiritual tradition. That a disciplined practice supports further letting go on the path. When I get lazy with my practice, I have subtly hit the snooze button.

Discipline is to be right here right now. In other words, it requires discipline to be present. And to be present is to facilitate the flow of the Spirit and Grace.

Yes.

More discipline is required. Now I have a place to direct my will. I don’t have to make that part of my experience wrong anymore. Time and my experience will tell me if this indeed supports further surrender.

A few different ways I see this:

It’s time to to set up more structure in my life. Time management and boundaries.

Boundaries facilitate trust.

Boundaries support relaxation.

Discipline supports being in union with God.

Yang, supports and lubricates yin.

Proper holding supports deep relaxation.

Structure lubricates manifestation.

Structure supports safety and being free to be oneself.

Discipline facilitates Grace coming in.

Discipline supports me being present which supports surrender and letting go.

Discipline in the right areas supports more acceptance and love.

I’m inspired to have things so structured that I don’t have to think about the details.

YES!

And, why even bother surrendering? Because it helps me really receive in the biggest way possible.

Up until now, if I want to continue to “receive” the guidance in my life, I would have said all I have to do is surrender. Now, I see a missing piece. That in order to surrender further, I need more discipline.

Boom.

Check out the next post as I explore waking up my inner samurai in order to get it done.