Photo by Josh Levin

In my humble opinion radical personal development has one powerful process and its core.

Knowing and living this one gem can be the difference between the relentless self-improvement project and experiencing true joy, abundance, and fulfillment, especially for men who are habitually geared toward “improving” and “being better.”

So, what is this process?

LOVE.

That’s right. Love in every form. From self-love, to loving others, and even loving things.

“Loving” is the process by which we transform, evolve and open to greater and greater aspects of ourselves. Typically the process of loving happens within the context of relationships, a major pain and pleasure experience for most men.

If you are a normal man, you have struggled in the realm of relationships. Perhaps you have had your heart broken, been betrayed, or maybe you have experienced great pain in losing a loved one.

Love shows up in our “relationship” to family, friends, pets, co-workers, race, politics, money, the environment, and of course, our relationship to ourselves. And, like most men, you might attempt to tackle your relationship problems with more doing, acheiving, trying harder, and more problem solving. But if you desire more fulfilling relationships, try setting aside your current masculine approach and lean into loving as your “way.”

If amazing relationships are your destination, loving (adjective and verb) is the path to get there.

Pour genuine love into just about any kind of relationship and you will get results you were not getting before. Learn how to open your heart in your relationships and your relationships will evolve and deepen. Give some love to yourself and you will find over time that your personal blocks, issues, and challenges transform. Love your demons, your fear, and the parts of yourself you don’t like and something powerful begins to occur. Love is what transforms your judgments of others (which are disowned judgments of yourself) into acceptance.

I’m here to purport that love is the greatest medicine in personal and spiritual development.

As Carl Jung says,

“Love is the dynamism that most infallibly

brings the unconscious to the light.”

Try it on that you are either opening to love or contracting away from love. Anything else is an ego-building project. More status, money, fame, power, are all just another ego trip.

Love is who you are at the most fundamental level. It is the main food you survived on during infancy and childhood, and the teaching you likely delivered to your parents during that precious time.

This concept is something I thought I understood for years. I remember when I was 21 listening to the Samples song about loving myself. It made sense. In that moment I realized I kinda loved myself. Looking back, I had no idea about what that really meant or what was possible with love. I had layers upon layers of self-protection that were unconscious to me and I was pretty unhappy.

If I am honest with myself, I spend most of my time in subtle levels of contraction. However, slowly over time that is shifting. Parenting, my men’s group, my marriage, and my life keep pointing me toward greater love. As any of you parents know, a new baby in your life can crack the dam open pretty wide. It continues to crack, some days it bursts open and my love comes ripping out like a mountain torrent. Other days my love is just a trickle, and some moments, my love is well hidden far behind the dam, which, in those moments seems impenetrable.

Loving is changing how I work with people and the view I take on the personal development path. I know there is an endless well of depth and profundity to me experiencing love. I’m suggesting the same for you.

So, I’m here to challenge you to join me in opening to greater and greater love in the context of your relationships and your life. Why not? What do you have to loose? Think about a world where you and others exuded love most waking hours?

To me opening one’s heart is the hardest practice of all. Much harder than climbing big peaks, going to med school (so I’ve been told), being lost in the wilderness, or even starting a business. A man’s relationship to his work, his family, his partner, his guy friends, and his environment can all be enhanced with serious and frequent doses of love.

Since, loving might just be the hardest practice, here are some basic tips to love more and more.

First, get honest and think of your relationship to love. How much do you feel love? Do you know what it feels like? What is more of an edge for you– giving or receiving love? Big picture in life and with your intimate partner or lover.  For many men receiving love is a much steeper path. Receiving love is largely a feminine process and most guys are simply not in touch with the feminine aspect of themselves. I struggle with both but my greater challenge is in receiving love.

Here are some signs that you could use some help receiving love:

• You always have to be “on top” during sex.
• You are great and helping others and being there for friends, but you never ask for, or need, help.
• You blow off compliments and affirmations with a compliment back, without first taking a breath and letting what the person said sink in and impact you.
• You like to be in control and be the leader.
• You have a hard time relaxing and doing nothing.

Signs that you are challenged by giving love:

• You resist giving a genuine compliment to a co-worker, lover, or friend.
• You hoard things in your life such as money.
• You are territorial
• You say things to yourself like “I am not going to drop the “L bomb” on her until I really feel it.
• You withhold your love for the “right relationship.”
• You judge, hate, blame, shame, and make fun of others.
• You believe that gays are bad, criminals should be locked up forever or killed, and you think anyone who doesn’t believe what you believe is going to hell.
• You see giving your love as someone potentially taking something from you.

Now, on to the practices.

I am practicing most of these daily. I suggest that you choose the ones that fit you and your life.

Warning: Only do these if you want to experience more love in your life. If you prefer contraction, being shut down, or have a stronger allegiance to your fear, please skip these practices and see if you can genuinely love where you are at instead of judging yourself. Seriously.

Practices toward greater love

1. Practice connecting to your own love. Close your eyes, meditate, relax and breathe into your heart. Imagine someone (or something) you love deeply. See if you can feel the love in your body, not just think about the concept. What does it feel like and where do you feel it? Can you expand it?

2. Live love daily. Commit to showing at least one person love every day. Strangers, friends, co-workers, and even yourself.

• Self-love. Stand in front of a mirror. Talk to that guy in the mirror and let him know by saying things like “I accept you” or “what I love about you is…”
• Love others. When you are at the store, a coffee shop, an elevator, or in your building at work, just make someone’s day by opening to them and loving them. Tell them directly what you appreciate about them in that moment, or show them with your body language and your smile without saying a word.
• Notice when you showing love is genuine, forced, or faked. All are find, but notice the difference and what it takes to drop in to a genuine expression of love. Faking it helps you see where you are holding back.
• Find an accountability partner. Send your accountability partner a text message every night, letting them know you showed love to someone that day. If you forgot, or didn’t do it, practice in the mirror, or, directly with them via text by letting them know you love them. Send a TM that reads one word: love.

3. Express gratitude. Do this verbally with someone or in your journal every day. Use a service such as gratitude log or just let yourself know 3 things you are grateful for prior to going to bed. “I am grateful for A, B, and C.”

4. Set the tone every morning. Every morning for 10 minutes do practice one and commit to love today. Choose love over stress, being grumpy, or complaining.

5. Own your fear and contraction. Remember that we are either opening to love or closing down to it (fear). Own your fear, own how comfortable you are in judgment and contraction.

6. Make a list of everything you get by keeping your heart closed and withholding your love. Share it with another man.

One of the first things you might notice by doing these practices, is that you will begin to bring awareness to how often you are closed down. No need to judge this, just open to the truth of your experience and love that.

Now, why the hell would you do this daily? Well, simply because most of us claim we want to feel better, be happier, be more at peace, or experience more love in our life. If this is true for you, I challenge you to commit to this for 1 month and see what happens. Find another man to do this with. Why another man? Because it is harder of course. Okay fine, a woman friend is good, but at some point, man up with another man and practice together. As my mentor David Cates likes to say, “If a man can’t love other men, he can’t love the man in himself.”

And finally as Pema Chodron says so eloquently:

“If your everyday practice is to open to all your emotions, to all the poeple you meet, to all the situations you encounter, without closing down, trusting that you can do that–then that will take you as far as you can go. And then you’ll understand all the teachings that anyone has ever taught.”

Stay tuned for part 2 of this post in a few days when we discuss how the yoga of self-acceptance might impact a guy like you.

For now, let’s here your thoughts.

I personally had an amazing time. I laughed, I cried, I raged, danced, screamed, connected, listened, facilitated, and led. Together, we rocked it and fearlessly explored unknown territory.

Thirteen brave, badass participants and 11 staff (and guest staff!) all helped to create this very, very powerful experience. We went inward this first weekend. We dug deep into the first pillar of revolutionary manhood—self-knowledge.

For six months this circle of men will challenge each other, help each other gain clarity, give no bullshit feedback, hold one another accountable, and support one another.

These men now have each other’s back. Do you have a group of men like this in your life? If not, what are you going to do about it?

Notice as you watch these testimonials what happens for you.

Check ‘em out.

Ask yourself what are you doing to expand in 2010? What kind of accountability and support do you have?

Photo by Josh Levin

It’s near the new year, the solstice has happened and the days are getting longer. This translates into you giving birth to another aspect of yourself, your vision, and what you want in your life.

Or, it leads to another year gone by….

For years, I worked in wilderness therapy programs for troubled teens. The kids sent to these programs were often kidnapped by “escorts” in the middle of the night and taken to a remote wilderness location for one to four months.

Ninety nine percent of the time, the kids sent to these programs didn’t want to be there. They were forced to be there by their parents and the expectation from the parents was  “fix my kid.”  From the beginning it was always a set up.

The kids would show up shut down, angry, scared, and very resistant. Within days or weeks, they understood that the key to leaving the program was to “play the game.” Many kids would fake it and others would genuinely try to change. Regardless, the fuel for their change was usually motivated by one or two forces:

• External influence. Someone outside themselves such as their parents. “If my parents want me to change, fine, I will change and be different for them.”
• Fear. Fear of consequences and fear of rejection and abandonment. “If I don’t change, then I might loose my freedoms and the people I love the most.”

Because changes kids actually did make were through one or both of these forces, change and gains in their treatment were often small and short-lived.

It is very common for anyone who works a program of any kind, be it addiction recovery, an eating disorder, a fitness/diet program, or a simple new year’s resolution, to “relapse” into their old ways a few months after starting. Why? Because the motivation for change did not come from deep inside.

Most of the kids in the wilderness programs lacked this fundamental intrinsic desire to transform.  They felt pressure from the grown ups and so they tried to change for them. We adults are no different.

The same is true in a relationship with a lover. It often goes like this:

A man is brought into couples counseling by a woman who is unhappy with the way her man is being. She is hungry for more of him. She sees his potential and yearns for him to reach it. But he is somewhat comfortable in “his way” and lacks tools to tap into his potential so he gets lazy and cozy watching sports and distracting himself by working on other “projects.” She gets frustrated and asks him to change. He feels pressured, caves in, and tries to change for her without really getting inspired  himself to be different. Know anyone like this?

Rarely does this kind of couples counseling work. Until the man is ready and willing to change he won’t change. Whatever small gains he makes will be for her. This eventually leads to resentments and further disconnection.

This set up also works with our relationship to ourselves. We have two parts. One voice says “You should change and go to the gym 5 days/week.” The other voice, mostly unconscious to us, with more power says, “Fuck you, you can’t tell me what to do.” And so goes our internal struggle.

Do you feel an inner conflict sometimes?  Or are you hiding out in some way? Coasting along in a mediocre relationship? Drifting from you own path in a dead-end job? Or do you claim you want something in your life to be different but you just can’t make it happen? What will it take for you to change?

In my article on spirituality, I mention 3 things it takes for men to “find” spirituality:

• When things fall apart. Through a major life crisis or intense suffering personally or relationally.
• Intrinsic motivation. Through intense longing and hunger for more in life
• Solitude -Spending a considerable amount of time alone

It is the same with personal change, growth, and transformation. And this is the secret to lasting change that sticks.

Said in another way…

Option A-action

You must be willing to do whatever it takes to change the thing you want changed.

That’s right, whatever it takes and at whatever the cost.

So, if you are up to the task, make a commitment, both to yourself and out loud with another person. Something like this:

I commit to doing anything and everything in my power to change _______, and get the results that I desire. (this is commitment 11 of the 10 commitments to manhood).

Remember, this is not about changing another person or something outside of your locus of control. Pick something about yourself that you want to change.

For example, a client recently told me “I want deeper, more connected relationships. I want to work through whatever blocks I have to intimacy and love.” First he is clear on what he wants, next he can make a commitment to change it and put an action plan in place to work on it.

When I was 29 years old, I was in a lot of pain and I was suffering. My relationships would only go so deep. I longed for more. At the same time, I always blamed the woman and refused to look at myself.

But at 29 and with ten or more years of limited results and unfulfilled relationships, I hit a tipping point. My pain was so substantial and my desire for gain was so strong that I was ready. I remember saying to myself and my therapist at the time, “I am willing to do whatever it takes to get better results.”

That was a big moment in my life and it is what sent me on a personal evolution path that continues today.

Note: If you don’t take option A, you invite the default option B which may or may not happen before you die. Let’s look at option B.

Option B-passive

You wait for something bad to happen to you.

I have not shared this one in a while, but for years I wanted something bad to happen to me so in order for me to change, and then my life would have meaning. I wished that some doctor would tell me I had six months to live or that I had some rare disease and that I would lose my legs. Can you relate? Maybe I’m just weird.

I didn’t know about option A until the slow 10-year burn turned to unbearable frustration and reached a critical mass.  At that point I stopped looking outward and turned my attention on my own games and bullshit and asked, “What if I’m the problem?”

It was then that I realized that there was hope for me. But it would take some brutal personal work to get the results that I so yearned for.

Marketing experts know that you want to wait for option B and through this, they prey upon you. Mainstream ad campaigns promise to fix your pain and to do it with ease and little effort on your part. Think about drug companies. “Take this pill or buy this product and you will feel better.” They prey upon the bystander in you that wants someone to do it for you.

Well guess what? True change will only happen when you a) want it bad enough or b) when you wait for the shit to hit the fan. And if you are in mild discomfort, you are less motivated than someone in extreme discomfort and therefore less likely to change.

See if this is true for you and your own changes that have stuck.

Are you playing the victim, waiting around for something to happen to you?  Or are you going to take full responsibility for your life, man up, and get clear about the internal changes you want to make and start today in making them?

Let’s say you are motivated by an external factor such as wanting to be a better father for your kids, this is fine in the beginning. But at a certain point, you must change for you and the desire must come from deep within you. The benefits toward others will come naturally.

You have to want it.

You must be incredibly hungry.

You must want it bad enough or you are simply waiting…

So, here’s my advice for you brave souls who are considering change.

1.  Get very clear on motivation for change. Is it for your wife/spouse/partner? Is it external? Internal? Both?

2.  Next, how bad do you want it? Rate yourself from 1-10, 10 being “I will do whatever it takes.”

3.  Then, look at your thoughts and words and see if it matches your behavior. If you make a claim you are a “10″ and want to change, but your actions are a “7″ and speak a different message, then you are not congruent and your change ain’t gonna stick.

4.  Get congruent. The more congruent you can be, the more likely change is to happen. It might not be at the pace you want or in the way you want. Congruency means that your thoughts, words, and actions all line up and say the same thing. This leads to trustworthiness and deeper integrity as a man.

5. Once you are crystal clear, take full responsibility to make the change happen and commit to it.

6.  Make an action plan and get accountability from another man or a men’s group.

7.  Hire a therapist or coach and/or find a spiritual path and community that resonates with who you are to support you.

If you don’t know what you want to change, but you know things could be different, start by getting some feedback from trusted friends. What do people really think of you? What consistent feedback do you get that pisses you off? What have your intimate partners said about you that is the same every time?

The “how” comes after you are a 10 and after you are foaming at the mouth for change.

Special note to the helpers out there that want to change someone else

If you know someone who has a ton of potential and you just know they would benefit from a personal development workshop, a coach, a therapist or a book, rather than try to change them, please own how their behavior impacts you.

This will help them understand that the cost of their inaction. Advice and sneaky suggestions are not nearly as effective as truth telling about what happens for you when they are the way they are.

It is fine to make a request from a place of love and respect. “I care about you Bob, I want to encourage you to go hire a coach to help you get better results. I’m tired of the talk with no action. I am trusting you less as a man.”

At a certain point, wanting to change someone is an act of aggression and demonstrates a fundamental lack of trust in their path and their life. Who are you to know what is best for them? Who made you the authority on what is best for them and what would help them? If they want to keep stewing in their own bullshit, they have a right to do so.

Always come back to yourself. The more self-awareness you have, the more effective you will be in the changes you so desire.

Ever feel stuck, alone, unsupported and lacking follow through? Do you still think doing it all by yourself is working?

Well, now might be a good time to get off the couch and start a men’s group. A wha..???

Listen to the New Man Podcast for a fun conversation with Tripp Lanier and me about what a men’s group is and how it might serve you. Click here to listen.

Until now, there has been no up-to-date “how to” guide to help you get a group going. I can’t tell you how many emails I get asking about how to get a men’s group going and what to do. To meet the need, Tripp and I have been working for the past few months and have produced what we think is a powerful product– “How To Start and Lead a Men’s Group.”

In my own life, a men’s group has saved my ass and helped me step up my game in all areas of my life. Having a group of men that have my back has been critical to my own success and fulfillment. More on the value of a men’s group here.

The great thing about a men’s group is that it is basically free. Once you get a group going, it can be free accountability and support for the rest of your life, seriously.

Just follow this link to explore more about how a men’s group can help you.

If you would rather have a group facilitated for you or you want hands on support, feel free to sign up for my leadership training here or get a few guys together and fly me out to your city or town and we can set up a weekend intensive as I did in Chicago recently.

Despite what you father did or told you, there is no need to go it alone anymore. Or, continue to go it alone and see what kind of results you get compared to other men who are getting an accountability, challenge, and support. Observe and take note.

A self-evaluation or inventory is done in corporate America all the time. Businesses will spend thousands and thousands of dollars and months, maybe years, do a critical business inventory or evaluation. Why? To improve the quality of their business of course.

It seems interesting that we don’t do this with ourselves. Or, some of you do this kind of inventory too much. You might have ridiculously high expectations of yourself and use your own high standards to beat yourself up.

This is NOT what I’m talking about. I am talking about taking an honest look at yourself in the mirror to see what’s going well and where you could improve.

Why not take an honest look at your life and determine where you need to wake up and where you need to step up?

So, here is a simple outline for you to assess your life right now.

Instructions:

1. Find some solitude to do this project and get quiet.
2. Cut and paste this into a word document and go to town.
3. Find a close friend and review it with them. Why? To receive some feedback from someone you trust.
4. Make a decision on what your next steps are going to be. In other words what are you going to do knowing the truth revealed in your life inventory?

We’ll use the 5 pillars of revolutionary manhood as a jumping off point to explore each area, plus one more area to go further.

Let’s get started:

1. You

how well do I know myself?

how much do I allow myself to feel?

how open minded am I?

What from my past holds me back?

Where in my life am I out of integrity with myself?

How powerful am I? Do I know what it feels like to feel my personal power?

What is my relationship to myself like? Do I love myself? Like myself? Hate myself?

Is there any past behaviors I am ashamed of?

Am I fulfilled?

Am I happy?

Am I at peace with my life?

When I get into a funk or a rut, am I aware of what caused it? How to get out of it? What to do the next time it happens?

When I get triggered by life or by other people, what are my skills to address it? Could I improve upon these skills?

Am I living into my potential as a man? father? husband? son? friend?

Do I know why I am on the planet? What is my life’s mission or purpose?

How would I rate my integrity with myself?

Am I connected to myself and my truth?

What is my relationship to God/spirituality and how am I with this?

In the following areas, where can I improve or be more at peace with myself?

• fitness
• diet
• mental, emotional well being
• intellectual stimulation
• self reflection
• self-acceptance
• body image
• MONEY

What situations do I feel powerless in?

When do I betray myself, my truth, or my integrity?

What is possible if I go deeper with myself and really get honest?

What is my core negative belief that drives much of my behavior?

What is my core positive belief when I feel powerful?

2. Others

How do I treat others?

How judgmental of others am I?

How genuine, rewarding and satisfying are my personal relationships?

Professional relationships?

Do I owe anyone an apology past or present? Do I need to make amends with anyone?

What is my love/intimate relationship like? Is it as deep and satisfying as it could be?

How is my sex life?

How thoroughly have I explored my sexuality? with myself? with a partner? Do I know what is possible sexually?

Do I know what it’s like to really love someone deeply?

Do I know what it feels like to be loved and really receive it from another person?

3. Leadership

What kind of leader am I?

What are my strengths and weaknesses as a leader?

How much do I lead? How much do I follow?

What more do I have to learn about leadership?

Who are my role models in the realm of leadership? Who do I want to be like?

What can I learn from women about leadership?

What kind of leadership model/system appeals to me?

What’s wrong with so many leadership systems out there? How could I do it differently?

What is my core leadership philosophy? at home? at work? in life?

4. Service

How much time do I spend serving/helping others?

How much time do I want to spend serving and helping others?

Do I serve because I get something such as approval or recognition or because I just love to serve?

Is service an integral part of my life’s work?

Is service an integral part of my current job situation? If not, am I okay with this? What could I do about it?

What does it mean to me to serve?

5. Celebration

How much do I celebrate my wins?

Do I celebrate others or get jealous when they are successful?

How much is play a part of my daily life?

How much is having fun a part of my daily life?

How do I stop myself from celebrating the wins in my life? Why is that?

When something goes well in my life, I typically ___________.  Keep it to myself? share it? party?

6. Truth, the present moment: This category is more abstract. It is the background of everything in our lives and what we return to over and over.

What is “the truth” mean to me?

Do I believe I have “the truth” and others do not?

What does “this moment” mean to me?

What does it mean to be present? Am I present? How could I be more present?

Do I have a practice, such as meditation, that brings me back to the present moment of what is actually going on?

What is the truth of this moment?

What more could I learn about the now or the present moment?

Follow up:

1. Remember to continue after this list is complete by sharing it with someone.
2. Next, determine what areas you want to target.
3. Commit to a start date. Set a realistic time-line of when you want to get these areas handled.
4. Always get feedback from others such as a mentor, a men’s group or a close friend. Would it be helpful for you to have an accountability partner?
5. Celebrate your progress and practice enjoying personal growth and development.

Please post your questions that might help other men do a life inventory.

What other areas can you think of to list here?

Comment below…

]]> http://www.jaysongaddis.com/2009/08/life-inventory-checklist-for-men/feed/ 4 http://www.jaysongaddis.com/2009/07/the-purpose-and-value-of-a-mens-group/ http://www.jaysongaddis.com/2009/07/the-purpose-and-value-of-a-mens-group/#comments Wed, 15 Jul 2009 15:04:51 +0000 Jayson http://revolutionaryman.com/?p=847 Since 1991 I have been in men-only groups in a variety of settings. In college I lived with 17 men for three years. I then worked for my fraternity for two years traveling the country facilitating conversation and leadership workshops with only men.

For the past eleven years I have led wilderness rite-of-passage trips with boys and men. I have even led leadership workshops at fraternity conventions with 1000+ men. I have spent thousands of hours with just men in a variety of settings.

But nothing quite compares to what happens when 8-12 guys sit in a circle and get real.

I have been in a men’s group for the past five years and these guys have witnessed me in all my colors. They have supported me and challenged me through two breakups, marriage, fathering a kid, building a business and much more.

From 2009-2011, I  led a six month men’s group called the Men’s Leadership Training to see what is possible when a small group of men collaborate and really work on themselves toward a greater purpose.

What about you? When was the last time you got real with another man and showed yourself to him? When was the last time another man called you on your bullshit? When was the last time you sobbed in front of another man?

Purpose & Value of a Men’s Group

In my view the purpose of any men’s group is multi-faceted. Likewise, the value is not only very subjective, it runs many layers deep. Try joining one and see what value you receive.

In a nutshell, men’s groups are about getting four things in your life: Clarity, Accountability, Challenge, and Support. Read more here.

I have recently pinpointed what I call the nine P’s in men’s personal development that are essential for a man to know and learn if he is to grow and evolve. And, the nine P’s apply to men’s groups.

The nine P’s

Partnership. This is the biggest “P” of all. This is about relationship. Ever heard of a business partner? An accountability partner at the gym? A partner for life? Like it or not, a men’s group is a committed partnership. Even if you don’t like a guy in your men’s group, you get to practice being in partnership, in relationship, with him. You are there to hold each other accountable to what you say you will do.

When you join a men’s group, you make a commitment to the men in your group to stay in the fire of the relationship without bailing out. For most guys, when things get hard, they just leave. For guys in a serious men’s group, they get in the ring and stay in the ring. When it’s time to leave, it gets talked about directly.

Power. Most men just don’t have access to their full conscious power as a man. Men’s groups help you get in touch with your full power–express it, share it and be witnessed in it.

Purpose. A common thread in a men’s group is the common purpose which we are discussing here. But within the context of the group purpose is each individual purpose. Do you know why you are on the planet? What is your life’s purpose? A men’s group can help you explore this.

Presence. A men’s group without presence is a big fat waste of time. It’s just another intellectual discussion about concepts. When men learn to become present with their experience in the moment, they are more likely to feel and more likely to be congruent. In a men’s group, you learn tools to help you “get present.”

Principled. Essentially, this means integrity. You do what you say you will do because you know your values and where you stand. You know yourself well enough to have principles. However, contrary to a lot of men, these are constantly evolving to support your evolution as a man.

Practice. Men’s groups are all about practice for the real world. Just like a basketball player practices free-throws so he is more likely to sink them in the big game, when men practice being authentically themselves, they are more likely to stay authentic and open in the real world.

For example, I might practice saying something hard in my men’s group to another man, so that I have more confidence to say it to my boss the following day.

In a group of guys in this context, you practice:

• congruence–(thoughts, words, & actions all line up)
• being authentic (being who you really are without hiding)
• taking responsibility
• openness, open heartedness (really listening to, and understanding, others)
• feeling your feelings
• speaking your truth & skillful communication (i.e. dealing with conflict)

Prayer. Yup, prayer. I’m not religious, but I am a spiritual dude. Prayer may happen in the beginning or end of a group. Shout outs to whatever you believe in or to someone you love. Asking for guidance, wisdom for yourself, the men in the circle or sending a prayer to someone you love.

Possibility. Ah yes, what is possible for you and each man in the group? Individually? Collectively? More on possibility here.

Play. A group of guys getting together in this way can be very serious. That’s why we need to lighten up in every group and have some fun. This can happen before, during or after your group. I’m a serious guy, so play is critical for me to stay open to my smile, to my laughter and to having fun with bros I care about.

For example, the men’s group I’ve been in for the past five years just implemented a monthly night to celebrate together and play together.

Why Not Turn To Women For Support?

It is a common experience among men to go to their girlfriends or wives for support, emotional or otherwise. Women get tired of this dynamic. They don’t want to be your lover and your mother. Women tell me all the time how they wish their partner had more quality man friends.

Only seeking support from women is a slippery slope. That is why it is critical to get some honest feedback from your fellow men. We need support and wisdom from both sexes if we want to grow as men.

What Men’s Groups Are Not:

Don’t worry, men’s groups are not group therapy, although they can be very therapeutic. Men’s groups are not a bunch of guys sitting around a fire singing Kumbaya. Men’s groups are not a bunch of weird freaky men just talking about their feelings (although I can be weird and freaky and talk about my feelings).

Men’s groups are definetly not for dudes who would rather keep things very much on the surface and who are afraid of intimacy, although a group can help with that guy’s fears.

Remember, a men’s group is for a brave man who is willing to face the music of his own life. There are men’s groups all over the world right now, each with it’s own unique flavor and purpose.

A men’s group can be a great support when you are going through a tough time in your life and need support. A men’s group can also be a place where you celebrate the victories in your life with great people and explore what is possible in your life. Listen to a few men discuss the value of a men’s group here.

Ultimately, a men’s group will challenge you to be who you are without hesitation, reservation or apology so that you can be the powerful guy you are who is free, fulfilled and full of energy to serve the world.

So, How And Where Do I Start?

Read the next post on how to start a men’s group

And, check out this how to guide— “Men’s Group 101, How To Start and Lead A Men’s Group.”

Commitment 9

I commit to finding a mentor ASAP and not doing life “alone.” I commit to always having a mentor in my life–someone I trust, respect, and want to learn from in areas where I need guidance. Then, I commit to becoming a mentor to other men (read the other 8 commitments here).

It boggles my mind how many guys still go it alone in life. In my eyes this attitude is bankrupt. Not only that, it is dangerous.

If you are a guy who “goes it alone,” try it on that you could double your impact and accelerate your growth if you found a great mentor. If you still believe you have to suck it up and that asking for help is a sign of weakness, you are asleep or stuck. It’s 2009. We are not living in 1955 anymore.

In my own life, I “went it alone” for years. “I don’t need anyone’s help” was one of my mantras.  Even though I had great friends and guys I could probably lean on, I never did. Not only that, when I felt challenged in my life, most guys tried to fix it or make me feel better. It took me years to realize that’s not what I needed.

What I needed was someone to hear me, understand me, call BS on me, and then help me move forward and find solutions to my own challenges. I needed someone to teach me how to trust myself, how to love myself and how to have more successful relationships. However, that said, I just wasn’t ready.

A lot of you walk around with the complaint, “nobody understands me.” My question for you is “Do you let anyone try?”

Let’s face it, we men have a lot of unconscious blocks that keep us from the things we want–deeply satisfying relationships, money, the right job, and happiness. Men tend to blame the outside, not knowing that it’s coming from the inside.

Now, if you had a mentor, you would begin to realize that YOU are the issue in your life. YOU are the person that needs a big fat course correction. YOU are the one who could use some feedback, love, guidance, and support.

So, remember, if you know that you may benefit from a mentor, the first rule of thumb is that you have to want one. It doesn’t do a lot of good if you are not open or “coachable.”

When I was younger, I had no real mentor. Now I have several.

What exactly is a mentor? Here’s how Dictionary.com defines it:

men⋅tor

[men-tawr, -ter]  Show IPA –noun

1. a wise and trusted counselor or teacher.

2. an influential senior sponsor or supporter.

Let’s look a few types of mentors and you will get a sense of what kind of mentorship might benefit you.

Types of mentors:

1. The Mentor
2. The relationship mentor
3. The spiritual mentor
4. The professional mentor
5. The Coach

Let’s look at all three in detail and then determine how to find one.

1. The Mentor

The Mentor is an all encompassing mentor in your life. He is a respected, trustworthy man with far more experience than you in the area you want feedback in. He is not necessarily older than you. He is living his entire life in a way you want to emulate.

The key point here is to find someone you can really walks his talk. You know the man I’m talking about. You respect him immediately and trust him immediately. You’d follow him into a battle zone because he exudes that kind of strength, confidence, fearlessness, and wisdom.

At the same time this man is humble and a good listener. He’s not perfect and he fails at times. He admits his mistakes and learns from them.  He doesn’t give advice and tell you what to do. He knows the potential answer, but will let you find it.

This man is not afraid to cut through your bullshit games and tell you like it is. At the same time, you feel as though this man will love you through any storm you might go through.

This guy is also available. He’s not so busy he doesn’t have time to meet with you, chat on the phone, skype or whatever. He makes time for you and this is one of the things you respect about him.

Remember this: A mentor is NOT a “buddy” that confirms your ego. It’s a man who challenges you to your core and supports you in becoming the man you need to be.

2. The relationship mentor

A relationship mentor is essentially like a good therapist or counselor. I mention therapist here because a lot of men don’t consider this as a possibility. Within the structure and framework of a therapeutic relationship, major transformation can happen relationally.

A therapist can teach you about self-acceptance, and can assist you in working through old relationship hurts and traumas. A therapist can show you what is possible with deep intimacy which can help you really open your heart to another person. A good therapist has a solid “inner psychology” tool kit. They will sniff out your core wounds and beliefs quickly and offer you ways to move through them.

The problem with therapy isn’t that “shrinks” are full of themselves and sit there analyzing and judging you. The problem is finding a good one. There are very few talented, skilled therapists out there. Just because they have a PhD doesn’t mean they are going to be a good fit for you, or have the skills to really support you.

A relationship mentor is a relationship samurai. His relationship life is sound and he works consciously with his own relationship challenges.

3. The spiritual mentor

The spiritual mentor is a teacher, adviser, priest, or shaman that is living a spiritual life and embodying the spiritual teachings you wish to learn.  He has a sound understanding of the spiritual path he walks and lets you find, and walk, yours.

If you want to learn about Islam, you find a man living it. If you want to learn how to meditate you seek out an experienced, respected teacher of meditation and learn from him. If your thing is prayer, you find a man living his life through prayer and eat up his knowledge.

4. The professional mentor

This guy has his professional life handled and he inspires you to get yours handled. Perhaps he is a professional executive or entrepreneur and becomes a beacon of what is possible in your own professional life.

If you want to make more money, you find someone who has made a lot of it and can coach you about how to do the same.

For example, my own father is a professional mentor to me in some ways and in areas he’s lacking, such as internet marketing, I have other professional mentors I learn from.

5. The coach

A coach can be a great cheerleader or vision buddy about where you are headed in your life. Coaches are great with results, timetables and accountability.

Similar to therapy, there are very few great life coaches.  Just because one is “certified” doesn’t mean he’s better.

I work with men who have had bad experiences in both psychotherapy and coaching. I too have had “bad therapy” and “bad coaching.”  It’s painful, and if you find yourself working with someone and they are not really helping you, fire them.

But, if you find the right fit, a great coach can become a real mentor to help you reach your own goals and see what stands in the way. He may not be living his life as you want yours, but this is less important with a coach. His job is to coach you toward what you want.

Ultimately, a good coach or counselor will help you find your own answers, just like a good mentor. When someone is always giving you advice and telling you what you should do, run the other way.

So, let’s say you are open to finding a mentor now. Where do you start? It depends on which type of mentor you are going after of course, but here are a few general guidelines to consider:

1. Do your homework and know what kind of mentor you want.
2. Put yourself in a position to meet with the men you are drawn to. For example, if you want support in the business world, join a business group of some kind. Cold call men you already know who are crushing it in the business world. Attend workshops, seminars, and trainings that are run by this man.
3. Interview or meet with several people. It is rare to find a good match on the first try, especially if you have never done this.
4. Read up on them. Google them. Find out more about them, their background, skillset etc.
5. Ideally speak to them on the phone or in person. It’s hard to get a sense of someone until you speak to or meet with them.
6. Go with your gut. Ultimately credentials don’t mean squat. It’s really about who they are, versus how many degrees they have. Trust your instincts.
7. Trust is the bottom line. You want to be able to trust this person emphatically.
8. The Red Flag–If he isn’t held accountable by someone, run the other direction. Any man who does not surround himself with folks that keep him growing with a feedback loop isn’t trustable in my mind. I can’t tell you how many older men I’ve worked “under” that have made it to the top of their game and then stop learning. That kind of man is as good as dead in my eyes.

Can I have a Woman mentor?

A lot of guys will choose a female mentor because men are generally more comfortable sharing their vulnerability, weaknesses, etc with a woman, rather than with another man. This is fine and might be where you need to start.

But eventually a man needs another mentor who is a man. Why? In my experience, through the work I’ve done with men for years, there’s something that happens “man to man” that is simply different than woman to man.

But why not have both? I recommend having a woman mentor and a man mentor. Why not? Women always offer me something men are not able to offer. And vice versa with male mentors.

Lastly

If you still believe that “asking for help is a sign of weakness,” keep “going it alone” and see what kind of life and relationships await you. Trust me, it’s okay to ask for feedback and support. In fact, it helps me trust and respect you more.

To read more about Man mentors and some other opinions on the matter, check out William Harryman’s post here and his review of The Art of Manliness post that inspired this blog.

Become a mentor

Once you have learning from a mentor down, it is time to become a mentor to other men. Stay tuned for that post coming soon.

“when the student is ready the teacher appears.”