As many of you know, once you start engaging in personal development work, be it getting some coaching, going to therapy, or finding a spiritual path, many of your closest friends and family members might feel very uncomfortable with the “new you.”

Here’s a great example that some of you might appreciate, followed up with some useful tips.

Here’s my client’s question:

Last night I had dinner with my bro.  We got on the topic of “what the f*ck am I doing?” with all my time, going to spiritual talks etc.

My bro gave me a piece about, “You need to be clear with your friends what you’re doing since you are so out of touch, you need to be clear with Mom and Dad.  People need you/ want you back.  No one understands what is going on with you”.  I was patient for a while, and then I got angry and heated.  I started defending myself, fired up.

How have you dealt with friends and family who didn’t understand what you were doing during personal development work?  I offered my bro an answer from one of your blogs – “it may look selfish, but I’m trying to work on myself to be a better person”.  My bro said “what problems do you have – we were blessed growing up.  What are you angry about?  You shouldn’t be so angry.  Don’t feel bad”  Of course, this only stoked the flames even higher.

I’m feeling angry, pissed, locked up and helpless.  If you have any thoughts to share I’d appreciate.

So what is going on here?

This is a classic example of how other people are threatened by a man’s personal growth and evolution.

I remember this process vividly for myself. As I dove deep into my own personal development work and spiritual practice I heard comments like this: “We like the old Jay better than the new Jay.” or “Yeah bro, we were thinking about having an intervention with you,” as If I was an alcoholic or something.

In systems theory, when one aspect of any system changes, it disrupts the entire system or the homeostasis of the system.

As you change and evolve, the system, which is your old friends and family members, feels a threat and does it’s best to keep you in your old role. This happens largely unconsciously on their end. This can be one painful aspect of differentiating from your family.

If they were able to talk about it and had some skills, they might say things such as, “When you change and grow, I get scared because I no longer know how to be with you or relate to you.” or “When I can’t place you into the role I’ve always known you in, I feel threatened, scared, and uncomfortable.” or “I feel safe and secure knowing who I think you are and when you show me signs of something different, I feel very uncomfortable and I start to question myself.”

So, what to do?

Whether or not you understand them and their process is irrelevant.

You must make staying with yourself and your experience and much higher priority than getting their approval or having them understand you. It can be really tempting to try and change them or make them get it. But chances are they will never get it, or get you.

(Talk to gay men and women. Generally speaking, they know this landscape well. Specifically reach out to fearless gay people who have already faced the gauntlet of judgments/ridicule from others in their coming out process).

Here are a few pointers.

1.  Let go. Let go of wanting them to understand you and accept that they won’t. If you get lucky and they do, celebrate it.

2.  Feel your Feelings. Feel what arises in you around your family/friends not understanding or getting you. There may be a lot of anger, resentment, or deep grief and loss knowing that those whom love you the most understand and support you the least.

3.  Feel part 2. Feel your aloneness and the pain around that.

4.  Notice your need. Notice the part of you that still wants to be liked and accepted. Meet that need yourself and stop looking outside yourself for validation.

5.  Get a new community. Surround yourself with folks that do see you, understand you, and support your evolution. If I wanted to stay in the old me, I would hang around old friends that continue to box me in to who I used to be. If however, I want to grow, I must find folks who are growing also. Get a badass men’s group going.

6.  Set a boundary. Take some space away from those old friends/family members while you sort things out. Be direct with them and let them  know you are going away for a while. Do this as consciously as possible. If you need to stop returning phone calls because it feels too hard, give yourself permission to do that for while until you get clear on how to communicate with them.

7.  Make a request. If you family/friends blame you or tell you “Don’t feel angry etc…” request that they not tell you how to feel. In the above example, my client’s brother was very invalidating. Hear him out, then make a request.

8.  Be direct and tell them how you feel. Stay with yourself without judging them. For example, my client could say, “I’m feeling angry, pissed, locked up and helpless. I feel completely unseen and unsupported by you right now.”

9.  Set another boundary. If your family/friends continue to invalidate you because they lack the skills to dive into what is really going on for them, let them know that you are no longer willing to be spoken to that way and you need a break from the relationship for a while. Put a timeframe on it.

10. Own your shame. If you feel shame or embarrassed by your new growth kick, own that. It’s normal. Know that there is also a part of you that doesn’t want you to grow or change. Stay in relationship with that part of yourself.

11. Be fearless. If all else fails, be true to yourself and your path. F*ck everyone else. It’s time to stop giving a shit what others think of you. We don’t have time to “convince” anyone of what we are up to.

When you work on yourself in a genuine way, plan on pissing others off. Plan on losing friends. Plan on the worst. And, if you get support, welcome it.

Roll up your sleeves and change anyway. Continue to be fearless and follow what you know will serve you and the greater good.

See also Isn’t personal growth just selfish?

Being stuck doesn’t feel so hot. Nor does the self-sabotage game. So here are two things you can do right now to get out of the quicksand.

I want to invite you along as I explore what is really possible for men who want to transform their lives.

If I say to you “Join me in finding out more about what is wrong in your life and your world!” What does the quality of this question feel like? Contraction.

If, on the other hand I say to you, “Join me in creating an inspiring, conscious community of men who will have a huge impact on their own lives and lives of others!” What does this feel like? Expansion.

Take note of your own life. When you want something to be different or you want others to join your cause, what approach are you taking? One of contraction or expansion? Are you approaching a life-change with visionary possibility? Or are you fault-finding and complaining about what’s not working?

Please watch this short 2 minute video for more on this.

It feels great to invite you all into what is possible. And, stay tuned for a huge offer that will invite you further toward what is possible in your own life.

Consider this shift permanent.

Jayson

I like to ask you fellow men, what are you waiting for? Seriously. How much longer will you put off your own desire to change your life?

I was always the type of guy who had a hard time following the crowd. I always steered my own ship. But I often steered it into a comfortable little cove and just sat there, meanwhile I could have been living much larger and I could have been much more fulfilled. But I lacked courage and tools.

Recently I checked out the magazine Men’s Journal just to see if they had some actual good information, rather than a bunch of fluffy tips on how to get tighter abs or what BS line to use with some woman at the bar (Oh wait, that’s Men’s Health)! What I found was quite surprising.

Chris Taylor authored 4 killer pieces about how to change your life. I loved it. I can’t tell you how many guys I work with that don’t like their life. On the outside, they appear to have a good life tell and they even convince others. But behind closed doors they bursting at the seams to tell you how miserable they are.

Chris’s articles are a must read for any man wanting to step out of his own way and get on with his real life.

You can read about a former Microsoft Exec John Wood that started his own non-profit, how Dave Thorsrud got out of the cubicle and into a Van to travel the country, how Scott van Eschen left the banking world to start a teen adventure travel company and how Michael Terry tries to make it as a stand up comedian.

These men have genuine courage. They are willing to put their career and paycheck on the line because something in their life is not working.

Here are some notes I took from these men.

1. Have the Balls to admit things are not working. Just admitting you are stuck or unhappy is a huge step forward.

2. Find and hire a mentor. You can’t do it alone nor would you want to.

3. Surround yourself with people that support you manning up to your new vision (such as a men’s group). And, communicate with your family and friends.

4. Test your new idea. When you “leap” you’ll get some immediate feedback that may indicate what direction to go.

There are more good tips from the men in the Men’s Journal articles. You are not alone. Men have stepped out before and made radical changes. You can too.

Get honest and make it happen. Read the Men’s Journal articles here. Make sure to check out all four.