Next week will mark the half-way point of the Men’s Leadership Training. Twelve bold men taking serious action toward living more powerful, impactful lives. This is a guest post from one of the participants of the current MLT 2010. I met Jonathan last fall over the phone when I started coaching him. I asked the tribe of MLT if someone would like to write about their experience thus far.  As per usual, Jonathan jumped forward and here is what he has to say after 80 days in the six month training.

On a cold, clear Thursday night in January 2010, I walked into a room of men I had never met before.  By Sunday, I was calling these men my brothers.

That isn’t quite the beginning of my story.  Let me back up.

My name is Jonathan Wondrusch.  I’m a 22 year old man living in Kansas City.  I am a storyteller, a world-changer and participant in Jayson’s Men’s Leadership Training.

I joined MLT because I want to make a difference in the world.  I wanted to get real; I wanted to stop hiding from my issues.  I was tired of feeling alone. I was afraid of coasting, but even more afraid of completely opening my eyes to my potential.

I desperately wanted to be part of a group of men that make a difference in their own lives, the lives of their friends and family and even the world.

Has MLT made a difference in any of that?

Fuck yah.

When I started this training, I would never call myself a “man.”

I had no idea what it meant.  I was turned off to the depth of love I could give and receive. I would beat myself up if I wasn’t able to “stay happy.” I felt isolated.

What is different now?

I am a much more conscious man.

I openly express sadness, anger, fear, rage, self-doubt and am completely vulnerable within a group of powerful men.  I am in a tribe of men who are not afraid to be authentic and deal with the real issues in our lives: purpose, love, money, integrity, sex, fear – all the things that were hard to talk about with another man in the past.

I faceplant way more often than I’d like.  I constantly let myself be distracted from sharing my light.

The difference is how I handle falling down: I am able to stand up and keep going, without judging myself.  I beat myself up less for not being perfect.  I am able to love myself for who I am, instead of hating myself for what I can’t do.

MLT has opened me up to a flood of awareness.  I’ve learned tools for communication and setting boundaries.  I have learned about my nature through journaling, the Enneagram and even some astrology.

This hasn’t been a joyride.  Participating in MLT is one of the hardest things I have ever done.  Not every moment of MLT is challenging – most are real, authentic and empowering.  It is one of the hardest things I have ever done because there is no hiding from myself.  Every dark and painful experience that I feel shame or fear around, I am choosing to face.

Keeping my eyes open puts me in touch with my power.  It makes me aware of the light that shines forth and illuminates the world around me.  When I confront my darkness, I am more able to live with love and passion.

I have come to know my truth better.  I recognize it.  In moments of shame and darkness, I can look inward and see what feels true.  When I do, I can move shame into self-loving.  From my truth, I can feel my power and integrity in the actions I take.

MLT is about learning to be who you are.  It is about giving and receiving love.  It is breathing in through your balls and feeling a deep connection with the world around you.  It is about opening your heart.  It is about living with truth and courage and integrity.  It is about not being afraid to be vulnerable in the presence of other men.  It is about not hiding yourself any more.

Finding my Tribe

The best part of MLT is the tribe.  These men are real, authentic and powerful.  Finding someone real is difficult in our society; I am real and I am with men who are also real.

This tribe is a place to belong – a group of men committed to their authenticity, courageously facing our edges, supporting each other, while giving honest (as in no bullshit) feedback on how every one of us is showing up.  Being a part of this group means so much to me.  If I had not joined, I would have been committing to the same bullshit that kept me inauthentic, limited and playing on the sidelines of my life.

The first weekend intensive was one of the most profound experiences of my life.  As I write and recall these memories, I am filled to the brim by the emotions of it.

I answered some of the most important questions I have ever asked of myself: Can I give everything for those I love?  Can I give my all when my body tells me there is nothing more to give?  Can I stand in the face of my greatest fear with an open heart?  Knowing the answers to these questions gives me inner strength that I had only imagined before.

Do you know what it looks like when a man gives his all?  When he holds nothing back?  I saw 15 men do it.  I did it.  I saw 15 men give their all until there was nothing left, and then when they thought they were done, they were asked for more.  Do you know how many men crapped out and decided there was nothing left?  Zero.  Not one man decided that they wouldn’t keep giving their all.  That is the caliber of men that I am on this journey with, and the quality of man that I am.

I am avoiding the specifics of the weekend on purpose.  I hope that at least one man out there will read this and be inspired enough to take the risk and participate in MLT.  I do not want take away from those men’s experience; I do not want to take the risk of his life not being changed because he knew what he was getting into.

What’s next for me?

Honestly, I have no concrete idea.  Every week has different gifts and lessons to learn.  It is not a classroom; it is my life.  I am learning how to live my life on my terms.  I am becoming the man I consciously choose to become.

I’m still working on not being limited by my fears – of not being worthy of love and of not being enough to achieve my dreams.  I am learning to grow through these fears and to embrace my life with an open heart.  I am learning to give and receive love more fully.  I am going to be pushing my boundaries as a man around love, connection, acceptance, awareness, sex, money, potential and what my concept of manhood is.

MLT is inspiring me and teaching me to live up to that in every area of my life.  MLT is about living in integrity with my truth, and it is giving everything in service of love to that truth.

When I started this journey, I couldn’t have looked you in the eye and told you that I was a man.  Much has happened since then, and much more will happen in the future.

Whatever happens, this is me looking you in the eye.

I am a man.

Jonathan Wondrusch is not only a participant in MLT, he writes his own blog http://www.grokkery.com/, is a young visionary, he helped produce this video, and he continues to step into the badass that he is.

I personally had an amazing time. I laughed, I cried, I raged, danced, screamed, connected, listened, facilitated, and led. Together, we rocked it and fearlessly explored unknown territory.

Thirteen brave, badass participants and 11 staff (and guest staff!) all helped to create this very, very powerful experience. We went inward this first weekend. We dug deep into the first pillar of revolutionary manhood—self-knowledge.

For six months this circle of men will challenge each other, help each other gain clarity, give no bullshit feedback, hold one another accountable, and support one another.

These men now have each other’s back. Do you have a group of men like this in your life? If not, what are you going to do about it?

Notice as you watch these testimonials what happens for you.

Check ‘em out.

Ask yourself what are you doing to expand in 2010? What kind of accountability and support do you have?

Photo by Josh Levin

It’s near the new year, the solstice has happened and the days are getting longer. This translates into you giving birth to another aspect of yourself, your vision, and what you want in your life.

Or, it leads to another year gone by….

For years, I worked in wilderness therapy programs for troubled teens. The kids sent to these programs were often kidnapped by “escorts” in the middle of the night and taken to a remote wilderness location for one to four months.

Ninety nine percent of the time, the kids sent to these programs didn’t want to be there. They were forced to be there by their parents and the expectation from the parents was  “fix my kid.”  From the beginning it was always a set up.

The kids would show up shut down, angry, scared, and very resistant. Within days or weeks, they understood that the key to leaving the program was to “play the game.” Many kids would fake it and others would genuinely try to change. Regardless, the fuel for their change was usually motivated by one or two forces:

• External influence. Someone outside themselves such as their parents. “If my parents want me to change, fine, I will change and be different for them.”
• Fear. Fear of consequences and fear of rejection and abandonment. “If I don’t change, then I might loose my freedoms and the people I love the most.”

Because changes kids actually did make were through one or both of these forces, change and gains in their treatment were often small and short-lived.

It is very common for anyone who works a program of any kind, be it addiction recovery, an eating disorder, a fitness/diet program, or a simple new year’s resolution, to “relapse” into their old ways a few months after starting. Why? Because the motivation for change did not come from deep inside.

Most of the kids in the wilderness programs lacked this fundamental intrinsic desire to transform.  They felt pressure from the grown ups and so they tried to change for them. We adults are no different.

The same is true in a relationship with a lover. It often goes like this:

A man is brought into couples counseling by a woman who is unhappy with the way her man is being. She is hungry for more of him. She sees his potential and yearns for him to reach it. But he is somewhat comfortable in “his way” and lacks tools to tap into his potential so he gets lazy and cozy watching sports and distracting himself by working on other “projects.” She gets frustrated and asks him to change. He feels pressured, caves in, and tries to change for her without really getting inspired  himself to be different. Know anyone like this?

Rarely does this kind of couples counseling work. Until the man is ready and willing to change he won’t change. Whatever small gains he makes will be for her. This eventually leads to resentments and further disconnection.

This set up also works with our relationship to ourselves. We have two parts. One voice says “You should change and go to the gym 5 days/week.” The other voice, mostly unconscious to us, with more power says, “Fuck you, you can’t tell me what to do.” And so goes our internal struggle.

Do you feel an inner conflict sometimes?  Or are you hiding out in some way? Coasting along in a mediocre relationship? Drifting from you own path in a dead-end job? Or do you claim you want something in your life to be different but you just can’t make it happen? What will it take for you to change?

In my article on spirituality, I mention 3 things it takes for men to “find” spirituality:

• When things fall apart. Through a major life crisis or intense suffering personally or relationally.
• Intrinsic motivation. Through intense longing and hunger for more in life
• Solitude -Spending a considerable amount of time alone

It is the same with personal change, growth, and transformation. And this is the secret to lasting change that sticks.

Said in another way…

Option A-action

You must be willing to do whatever it takes to change the thing you want changed.

That’s right, whatever it takes and at whatever the cost.

So, if you are up to the task, make a commitment, both to yourself and out loud with another person. Something like this:

I commit to doing anything and everything in my power to change _______, and get the results that I desire. (this is commitment 11 of the 10 commitments to manhood).

Remember, this is not about changing another person or something outside of your locus of control. Pick something about yourself that you want to change.

For example, a client recently told me “I want deeper, more connected relationships. I want to work through whatever blocks I have to intimacy and love.” First he is clear on what he wants, next he can make a commitment to change it and put an action plan in place to work on it.

When I was 29 years old, I was in a lot of pain and I was suffering. My relationships would only go so deep. I longed for more. At the same time, I always blamed the woman and refused to look at myself.

But at 29 and with ten or more years of limited results and unfulfilled relationships, I hit a tipping point. My pain was so substantial and my desire for gain was so strong that I was ready. I remember saying to myself and my therapist at the time, “I am willing to do whatever it takes to get better results.”

That was a big moment in my life and it is what sent me on a personal evolution path that continues today.

Note: If you don’t take option A, you invite the default option B which may or may not happen before you die. Let’s look at option B.

Option B-passive

You wait for something bad to happen to you.

I have not shared this one in a while, but for years I wanted something bad to happen to me so in order for me to change, and then my life would have meaning. I wished that some doctor would tell me I had six months to live or that I had some rare disease and that I would lose my legs. Can you relate? Maybe I’m just weird.

I didn’t know about option A until the slow 10-year burn turned to unbearable frustration and reached a critical mass.  At that point I stopped looking outward and turned my attention on my own games and bullshit and asked, “What if I’m the problem?”

It was then that I realized that there was hope for me. But it would take some brutal personal work to get the results that I so yearned for.

Marketing experts know that you want to wait for option B and through this, they prey upon you. Mainstream ad campaigns promise to fix your pain and to do it with ease and little effort on your part. Think about drug companies. “Take this pill or buy this product and you will feel better.” They prey upon the bystander in you that wants someone to do it for you.

Well guess what? True change will only happen when you a) want it bad enough or b) when you wait for the shit to hit the fan. And if you are in mild discomfort, you are less motivated than someone in extreme discomfort and therefore less likely to change.

See if this is true for you and your own changes that have stuck.

Are you playing the victim, waiting around for something to happen to you?  Or are you going to take full responsibility for your life, man up, and get clear about the internal changes you want to make and start today in making them?

Let’s say you are motivated by an external factor such as wanting to be a better father for your kids, this is fine in the beginning. But at a certain point, you must change for you and the desire must come from deep within you. The benefits toward others will come naturally.

You have to want it.

You must be incredibly hungry.

You must want it bad enough or you are simply waiting…

So, here’s my advice for you brave souls who are considering change.

1.  Get very clear on motivation for change. Is it for your wife/spouse/partner? Is it external? Internal? Both?

2.  Next, how bad do you want it? Rate yourself from 1-10, 10 being “I will do whatever it takes.”

3.  Then, look at your thoughts and words and see if it matches your behavior. If you make a claim you are a “10″ and want to change, but your actions are a “7″ and speak a different message, then you are not congruent and your change ain’t gonna stick.

4.  Get congruent. The more congruent you can be, the more likely change is to happen. It might not be at the pace you want or in the way you want. Congruency means that your thoughts, words, and actions all line up and say the same thing. This leads to trustworthiness and deeper integrity as a man.

5. Once you are crystal clear, take full responsibility to make the change happen and commit to it.

6.  Make an action plan and get accountability from another man or a men’s group.

7.  Hire a therapist or coach and/or find a spiritual path and community that resonates with who you are to support you.

If you don’t know what you want to change, but you know things could be different, start by getting some feedback from trusted friends. What do people really think of you? What consistent feedback do you get that pisses you off? What have your intimate partners said about you that is the same every time?

The “how” comes after you are a 10 and after you are foaming at the mouth for change.

Special note to the helpers out there that want to change someone else

If you know someone who has a ton of potential and you just know they would benefit from a personal development workshop, a coach, a therapist or a book, rather than try to change them, please own how their behavior impacts you.

This will help them understand that the cost of their inaction. Advice and sneaky suggestions are not nearly as effective as truth telling about what happens for you when they are the way they are.

It is fine to make a request from a place of love and respect. “I care about you Bob, I want to encourage you to go hire a coach to help you get better results. I’m tired of the talk with no action. I am trusting you less as a man.”

At a certain point, wanting to change someone is an act of aggression and demonstrates a fundamental lack of trust in their path and their life. Who are you to know what is best for them? Who made you the authority on what is best for them and what would help them? If they want to keep stewing in their own bullshit, they have a right to do so.

Always come back to yourself. The more self-awareness you have, the more effective you will be in the changes you so desire.

Courtesy of J. Wondrusch

Many of you are still walking around with grudges and hang ups about old loves, shameful high school or college behavior, and untrue beliefs about who you are.

A lot of you claim that you want better relationships. You want to feel more fulfilled and impactful in the world. You want to have deep connections with women and others. You want to be less hard on yourself. You want to feel more free.

If any of these ring true, an important step in developing yourself as a man is to clean up your past and update the files.

Most guys have a database full of old junk in their hard drive and they leave it there, thinking it will just go away. But like a computer, it just slows down the RAM. It clogs up the efficiency of your system. Then, when you are in your late 40′s or 50′s your system begins to break down.

When many men have the balls to work on themselves, one of the first discoveries they make is they have a lot of unprocessed stuff in their psyche. Call it baggage. Call it dirty laundry. Call it a busy desk top full of old crap. Basically it is like an old garage full of cobwebs, garbage, and boxes that are filled with stuff you’re hanging onto or stuff you are too lazy to get rid of.

If you can relate….

You might want to consider feng shuiing yourself. Fung what?  What is feng shui? Without getting too new agey on you, it is a process of having a clean and clear environment so you can move more freely in your space.

Think of your work desk having piles and piles of paper, junk mail, and old crap on it. Then think of a clean desk with nothing on it but a laptop and a clean sheet of white paper. Which is more conducive to getting things done?

So, stop keeping your past at bay. Stop pretending that it isn’t there. It’s with you in each moment and believe it or not, it affects all of your relationships.

Contrary to popular beliefs, you don’t have to “dig up the past” and feel like shit. What I am talking about here, is acknowledging the places that still haunt you. Places inside your being that bug you, gnaw at you, and trip you up in present-time situations. If there is something from your past that does not cause you or another person any suffering, then leave it be.

But how do I get my Feng Shui on?

1. Start by making the following commitment:

Commitment 2 (of the 10 commitments of manhood)

I commit to engaging in my shadow and blind spots. I commit to receiving ongoing feedback about whatever is unconscious in me and using practices that help bring it into the light. At the same time, I will also no longer “bury” my past and pretend I’m over it. If something from the past is lingering, I will address it.  I will “update” the files on myself and others.

2. Then, be willing to go into the dark corners of the garage in your psyche. Focus on the areas that trip you up.

3. In the 12-step world, they call this process “making amends” It involves step 8, 9 & 10.

4. Do a life inventory and see if this helps you get clear about what areas to focus on.

5. Learn from my example. Here is one corner of my life where I hurt others in a big way. Read about how I began to clean it up here.

6. Take full responsibility for where you caused harm to others or to yourself. Acknowledge this with another person or in a men’s group.

7. Review any limiting beliefs you may have about yourself and update those old bullshit tapes.

8. Take note of all the times you have betrayed your own integrity and make a commitment to stop doing that.

Report back.

Notice if the quality of your day to day routine changes as you start to clean out the old crap. Notice what it is like to have a clean and clear head space. How does this impact your relationship to yourself and to others?

But the fact is many men out there hold back and play small.

One of the biggest areas men hold back is in speaking and living their truth. Many of these men will collapse in the face of conflict, shrink, play nice, and run away. Many of these men will allow others to dictate their life’s course and will allow their parents or culture to push them around.

The most common places we hold back our truth is in our own families and intimate relationships.

Why is that? What is with the caretaking that so many men do, specifically in close relationships?

Well, ask yourself, why am I so nice? What do I get out of being “good?” And, why do I hold back my truth from those I care about the most?

Then ask yourself, “what would be the cost if I just came out and told the truth?”

Answering these important questions will help you begin to untangle the sticky web you have created for yourself.

For example, you might have uttered the words, “I don’t want to hurt her feelings” or “I don’t want to rock the boat” or “I didn’t want to upset him, he’s already got so much on his plate.”

Right?

Why do I hold back my truth?

Up front you might think you are doing a service because if you told them how you really feel, the “cost” is that you might really upset them.

But dig deeper and look at what is really going on here. You are simply protecting yourself. That’s right.  You are the one who does not want to feel upset, seeing another person upset. It is about YOU. YOU are the issue, not her and not anyone else.

If someone gets hurt or upset by what you say, especially if you are coming from a place of love, care, and service, it is their problem, not yours and you can’t do anything about their reaction.

In your seemingly noble guise to “protect” her or someone else, you are really selfishly protecting yourself.

You are actually robbing him or her the opportunity to grow having received your truth. You cut the legs out from under someone by assuming they can’t handle what you speak, share, or communicate. You disrespect them.

Since when are you the authority on what another person can or cannot handle from you?

When we men act like this, chances are we have a care-taker in us that wants others to feel okay. Why? So that we can feel okay. This is called enmeshment or emotional fusion.

When you behave like a care-taker, your relationship style is enmeshed, co-dependent, fused, merged, or confluent. Essentially, it is a higher priority for you to protect yourself while you care-take the other person, rather than to speak the truth.

This is an emotionally immature way of relating to others and we become completely dependent on others for approval and they become THE barometer for how we feel.

The Goal: Individuation

As we grow ourselves up, specifically in adolescence, we mature and become a separate individual—-hopefully! Sadly many adult men are still stuck in adolescence due to emotionally immaturity and an unwillingness to stand in their own integrity.

An individual can stand on his own two feet and stand up for what is right in his eyes, no matter the cost. A dependent or enmeshed person, worries about what others reactions might be, so he tries to placate and manage the relationship so as to selfishly avoid conflict or upset within himself.

In psychology jargon when we learn how to stand on our own two feet in our own integrity as a separate person, it is called differentiation or individuation.

This is most commonly seen in intimate relationships. When two individuals are enmeshed, one loses himself in the other. The merging that happens in relationships is fairly unhealthy and leads to less freedom to be oneself due to the other person being upset every time the other rocks the boat by doing something unpredictable.

What’s possible?

Separate AND connected

In an intimate relationship where unconditioned love and acceptance is the practice, the goal is to let the other person be who they are while staying connected. The connection stays strong between the two of you and you are free to be yourself and do as you wish within the agreements of the relationship.

In an enmeshed relationship, two become one (as the classic Jerry McGuire quote goes, “you complete me.”). While in a healthy, individuated relationship, two stay two and co-create a powerful connection that inspires individual growth.

In friendships, it is no different.

So, what should you do?

1. Know where you stand and stand there.
2. If you don’t know where you stand, take the necessary time to find out.
3. From an open heart and with compassion, have the courage to tell the truth
4. When you are too scared to tell the truth for fear of their reaction or your own discomfort, take responsibility for being scared. Own up to it.
5. Notice all the areas where you are still colluding with others. Pay attention to where you abandon yourself in service of being nice and not rocking the boat.
6. Commit to the process of becoming your own man—separate from others.
7. Hire a coach or therapist to help you work on your enmeshment patterns.
8. Join a men’s group to practice telling the truth in a safe container.
9. Make the following commitment to yourself and pin it on your forehead:

Commitment 4 – Relationship

I commit to getting my relationship life handled. This means being willing to set boundaries, not shying away from conflict, having the balls to be truthful with others, learning deeply about my sexuality. I commit to finding a mentor, doing therapy and/or coaching, participating in a men’s group, and whatever else it takes to have deep, meaningful relationships. I choose relationships that push me to grow.

Be sure to review the 10 commitments to Manhood.

Remember, this is a practice. You will make mistakes by holding back, playing nice, and care-taking. Notice it, call yourself out and get back to living your truth.

What does it mean to grow yourself up?

As grown adults, we are not beyond our emotional reactions to life’s situations. To react is to be human.

How we react is the key.

However, since most of us never work on ourselves, we react in the same, predictable, emotional ways issue after issue, year after year.

When we get “triggered” in life by circumstances and relationship challenges, we react. Most of the time the reaction happens so fast that it feels as if we do not have a choice.

For example, let’s say you initiate sex with your partner. But your partner is not in the mood to have sex with you. You then feel a wave of shame and anger, then you collapse and shut down. You make up a story that he or she does not find you attractive. You start to believe that you are “too much.” You feel rejected. Your story intensifies and you now believe you are not lovable or worthy. You feel like hiding now and you start to make your partner wrong in your mind. You say things like “Fine, then I won’t ask anymore, see how you like it.” Then you become passive aggressive and try to “get back at him or her” in some lame way.

Basically we feel young and are acting young, much like a hurt little boy or girl.

Later on when you have some distance from the situation, you might be quite surprised at how such a little event upset you so much.

But in the moment, specifically with those we love the most, we tend to react intensely to our own upset.

Why do people regress?

It is commonly understood in psychology that in the above situation and others like it, a few things are happening in a very short amount of time:

1. we get triggered by a person or event
2. we leave the front part of our brain and the hind brain takes over, thus rational thinking (front brain) goes out the window.
3. We have now regressed to a childhood a time where a similar event happened when we were a little boy or girl
4. We are now in a survival response and we do one of four things to “survive” the situation:

Fight–Lash out or fight back with verbal or physical aggression

Flight–Run away, go away mentally or dissociate

Freeze–Shut down or hide so it doesn’t happen to us again

Submit–Give up and collapse becoming depressed

In addition to your “in the moment” reaction is how it ties into past situations where a similar thing happened. You now “couple” it with other times where you were rejected. This is why it can feel so overwhelming at times.

But since most of us never learned how to work with our emotions and inner psychology and we were often taught to suck it up, we never learned what to do when we feel sad, angry, hurt or even happy.

Take me as an example…

Prior to any personal development work, I was a very reactive dude. All the emotions felt the same and I would end up having no idea what was going on. So I labeled it a “bad mood” or “my funk.”  I had no tools because as a kid, I was taught to stuff my feelings and taught nothing about emotions.

So, as I grew into an adult, I still believed being emotional was bad—that crying was weak, unmanly, and getting angry was “asshole” behavior. I was committed to not hurting anyone and getting others to like me, so I resigned myself to hide my emotions.

But the irony was that I was feeling everything but I had no clue how to be with it or even express it. Further, when I would get upset and reactive, I would act like a little boy.

When I got angry, I did anger like a little boy. I wanted to throw a tantrum and hit people. When I did sadness, I would shut down and hide. This of course is common for little boys who are not allowed to feel.

Kids repress their emotions because most often it isn’t safe to express them. And since it is hard to keep a lid on them, they explode when the pressure gets too great. Adults who have repressed their emotions do the same.

Time to grow up

So given this, what can we do now?

An adult with awareness doesn’t have to stuff their feelings, nor do they need to act out.  They have a choice. They don’t posture and they don’t collapse. An adult willing to grow, takes a break, feels everything fully, and then gets back in relationship with the person who they are feeling hurt by.

Just because we were robbed the opportunity to feel as a kid, doesn’t mean that we need to continue robbing ourselves from our emotional life as an adult. We have choices now we didn’t have back then.

If the external claim is that we say “I am an adult,” but the behavior is that we behave like a child in any situation, we are incongruent and this will have an impact on those around us.

Let’s just be honest. Let’s take responsibility that we sometimes act like a child and then let’s re-commit to doing what we need to do to grow ourselves up over time.

How to grow yourself up

• Be open to the possibility that a little version of you lives inside of you
• Take full responsibility for what is going on with you
• Take note of this dynamic in your own life. Start noticing in what situations you act like a child
• Feel your Feelings fully. When you feel like you are 5 years old and shameful, feel it completely
• Go to therapy or counseling to get more tools to grow yourself up
• Be an amazing parent to your inner child. Shaming him or her into oblivion does not work
• Stop asking or expecting your partner to parent the little boy in you. Yuch
• Join a relationship practice group or start one to get quality support
• Stay engaged in your own personal development

Remember, it is likely that we will continue to react in life and even regress into child-like behavior. However, they key is HOW we respond.

With practice, we can gain more and more mastery with the little one in us so we can parent him or her when need be. Why? So that the adult in you is captain of the ship, not the child.

If you want additional reading on this, a great book is “Growing Yourself Back Up” by John Lee.

Commitment 1. – Potential

I commit to reaching my potential and being the man I am capable of being. I commit to working on myself until I die. I am done with prioritizing comfort, safety, and security. No more hiding. I will get out of the bleachers and into the game. I am no longer willing to be a spectator to my own life.

Why not commit to reaching your potential and become a powerful, impactful man? It doesn’t mean you have to save the world.

It does mean that you commit to become the man you are capable to being—reaching your potential in this lifetime. Evolving each day to a realization of who you are.

By the time you are done reading these 10 commitments and the five pillars of revolutionary manhood, you will have a good idea of what is possible in your life and begin to move toward it if you haven’t already begun the process.

Practical Steps:

*Get honest with where you are in your life by doing a life inventory

*Ask yourself, “What kind of Man do I want to be?”

*Take action toward reaching your potential.

*Get involved in a men’s group to support you and to hold you accountable.

*Be realistic and go at a pace that works for you.

Me first! I commit to being true to myself, first and foremost. I commit to trusting my own experience above all else and getting to know my inner authority. No one holds the authority on me except me.

The moment you abandon your truth and yourself, is the moment you betray yourself.

I grew up in Utah so I have always been skeptical of dogma. On a regular basis I had Mormons trying to convert me to their faith. I was looked down upon, judged and patronized constantly. When someone else claims to have the truth where they are right and I am wrong, I contract.

Systems such as corporations and religions are very sophisticated about preying upon individuals who lack trust in themselves. These big systems know that people are looking for answers and will do anything to be reassured.

The system will then make false promises that are impossible to deliver upon (such as what happens when you die and the place you will go) in order to control people from finding the solutions themselves.

It is not surprising to me then, how many folks will place their full trust in another person, a priest, a church, dogma, a corporation a family member or whatever. The price tag? Confusion. Not knowing oneself. Pain. Betrayal.

God forbid we have a bunch of intelligent, free thinking, free acting people running around.

So, at 30 when I met a Buddhist teacher who said trust no one other than your own inner authority it was a breath of fresh air. But even Buddhism has blind faith, blind followers who just surrender their own wisdom to someone who holds more authority, seniority, or leadership over them.

It is human nature to look outside ourselves for the answers to life’s dilemmas. And, sometimes it is completely appropriate to seek council at various stages on the path. But to make this a habit as a way to avoid your own inner knowing is to cut yourself off from your life force and the tremendous wisdom that lies within you.

For example, a lot of men involved in men’s work will make statements like, “We’ll David Deida said….” My question to them is “Since when did David Deida become the authority on you?”

When we always surrender our trust to some other man who supposedly has more experience on us, we abandon our integrity and the truth of who we are.

A real mentor will help you cultivate your own knowing. A real teacher will help you find your own answers to life’s questions.

Young people today are tired of older people giving advice. It’s a bankrupt model and does little to empower a young person to be who he or she is supposed to be. Giving advice and thinking you know best, is to rob someone of trusting their own experience.

This is not to say we should not seek council or get feedback. Quite the contrary. Get feedback and then test it against your own experience.  On a regular basis, I open myself to feedback from trusted sources–then, I test it against my own experience.

Why are we so afraid to trust ourselves? When did trusting yourself get thrown out the window?

If you don’t know how, make it a practice to learn how. Trust in others is fine, but we have to trust ourselves first. Blind faith with no trust in oneself is a recipe for disaster.

But how do I develop my inner authority?

1. Trust your own experience. I learn through experience only. When we trust our own experience we develop our own inner knowing and intuition—a critical strength to have today. If we can give young people one lesson it is to trust their experience.

2. Learn from your teachers and then burn them. Milk a model until you are done with it and bury it. It is the only way you will develop your inner authority.

3. Spend a lot of time alone, in solitude, getting to know yourself.

** Important note for teenagers. It is appropriate to follow some external authority until you reach the right age of maturity. I know, a painful aspect of life. And remember to follow the wisdom of the external authority whom you trust and respect.

I know very well the places where I have wanted someone to save me, fix me, or take my pain away.

When i’m coming from these places, I feel young, hurt, alone. I feel like a victim, and we all need the victim wants to be rescued.

Yet, if someone where to actually come in with their cape on and save the day, it would disempower me. They would do something for me and I’d have to give them credit. I don’t really want that, do you?

Of course not, I aspire to continue to grow myself up.

In my work with couples, I have a rule: No more blame.

Blame is being a victim. Blame is making it someone else’s fault for my circumstances.

That said, we are all victims and we all blame. We have all been hurt and victimized. Some of us have been abused, shamed, shut down, molested, screwed over, betrayed, taken advantage of, and shit on.

In those moments when these terrible things happened to us, we were a victim. It is critical to identify as a victim in that moment because it is true in that moment.

But later on, it can become part of our story and our mask that we wear. It is important to say something like “I was a victim then, but I am not a victim now.” Identify, then disitentify.

After the fact, pointing fingers does little to resolve what you are now sitting with.

Seeking revenge is the repeating the cycle of violence or aggression done to you. You then become the perpetrator and make someone else the victim. The way out? Relationship aikido, compassion and taking full responsibility.

For example, let’s say you were physically abused as a kid when you were 8 years old. You were hurt by bigger, stronger, older people who had control over you. You were helpless to defend yourself. You were a victim of abuse then and powerless to defend yourself.

In middle school, you were bullied by other kids. Other kids took advantage of you that were bigger, stronger and older than you. You were a victim of verbal and physical abuse. You were powerless to defend yourself.

But as you grew up, you became bigger, stronger and of course, older. You now have power you didn’t have back then. You have internal and external resources you lacked earlier in life.

Let’s say you are now 35 and work in a decent job. You’re in a challenged marriage and have financial stress. You begin to blame your partner and your job situation for how you feel.

So, as an adult, when things don’t go your way or you feel picked on by life, in your marriage, your job or your situation. You  begin to act like you acted back then. You feel hurt, taken advantage, not validated, unsupported and maybe even abused.

Why does this happen? Why do you begin to play the victim? Your current life is triggering old feelings from when you were a child. If you never developed your emotional maturity, you will keep acting like a child and stay in victimhood.

Instead of taking full responsibility for your life and your choices as an adult, you act and react like a victim. You blame. You lash out. You point fingers.

But remember, you have resources now you didn’t have back then, right?

So because your up against your past conditioning and traumas, treat this is a practice. By practicing not being a victim I take the seat of leadership. I can take charge of my life and I don’t blame others for anything.

Let’s move beyond blame and victimhood and into personal responsibility.

Signs that you are in victim or blame:

• You believe that it’s someone else’s fault
• You feel defensive and reactive
• You feel self-righteous about your story
• You convince others to take your side
• You spend a great deal of time building your case as to why you are right and someone else is wrong.
• You judge
• You resent
• Your heart is closed
• You have an excuse as to why you are not moving forward
• You believe your excuses
• You feel alone
• You feel misunderstood
• You are unwilling to take responsibility

How do I move out of victim and blaming?

*****Take full responsibility and use relationship as the way out.

But, what does this look like? When someone hurts you, own that you are hurt with “other” feel it fully and move on.

Try this practice:

1. Notice the desire to lash out, judge, and point fingers.
2. Own that you really want to lash out, judge and hurt them back.
3. Drop the story.
4. Breathe and sit with the thoughts, feelings and body sensations associated with it.
5. Feel everything fully.
6. Get back in relationship owning what you just went through.

***Remember that it can be helpful to fully identify as a victim, feel it fully and then dis-identify. Repeat above practice.

Art by Bryce Widom

The ten commitments of Manhood if practiced, will greatly increase the quality of your life.

Not only that, but you may find yourself more trustworthy as a man.

Maybe these can replace the ten commandments. Why are people following rules that someone wrote that long ago? WTF?

Let these be commitments you make in order to be a revolutionary man and more importantly, to be the kind of man you are capable of being.

I strongly recommend posting the commitments in a location where you can see them every day.

Make it a daily practice to review your commitments. Remember these are commitments you make to yourself, not to some higher power, God, or authority figure. If they don’t fit for you exactly, tweak them.

If you wish, bring these into your men’s group and use them as discussion topics and accountability measures.

Commitment 1. – Potential

I commit to reaching my potential and being the man I am capable of being. I commit to working on myself until I die. I am done with prioritizing comfort, safety, and security. No more hiding. I will get out of the bleachers and into the game. I am no longer willing to be a spectator to my own life.

Commitment 2 – Shadow

I commit to engaging in my shadow and blind spots. I commit to receiving ongoing feedback about whatever is unconscious in me and using practices that help bring it into the light. At the same time, I will also no longer “bury” my past and pretend I’m over it. If something from the past is lingering, I will address it.  I will “update” the files on myself and others.

Commitment 3. – Authority

Me first! I commit to being true to myself, first and foremost. I commit to trusting my own experience above all else and getting to know my inner authority. No one holds the authority on me except me.

Commitment 4 – Relationship

I commit to getting my relationship life handled. I commit to opening my heart, no matter the cost. This means being willing to set boundaries, not shying away from conflict, having the balls to be truthful with others, learning deeply about my sexuality. I commit to finding a mentor, doing therapy and/or coaching, participating in a men’s group, and whatever else it takes to have deep, meaningful relationships. I choose relationships that push me to grow.

Commitment 5 – Maturity

I commit to growing myself up. When someone else pisses me off or hurts me and I regress into acting like a young boy, I will reaffirm my commitment to learning how to be less reactive and developing more mastery.

Commitment 6. – Responsibility

I commit to taking full responsibility for my life. No one is responsible for my situation and my life except me. I commit to no more blaming and no more playing the victim I therefore commit t o knowing what I want and finding and living my purpose.

Commitment 7 – Finances

I commit to growing up financially. I will get my money shit together, which doesn’t mean focusing on how much (or little) I make, but rather on diligently uncovering the entirety of my relationship with money. I will learn how to be in conscious relationship to money matters. I will know the relationship between inner wealth and material wealth.

Commitment 8 – Service

I choose compassion over aggression. I commit to living a life of service. I will value the people around me and cultivate both the intention and capacity to help them in ways that matter to them. I seek to understand idiot compassion versus true compassion.

Commitment 9 – Social Justice

I commit to a life of social justice, non-violence, and equality. I commit to being and staying aware of my privilege and power in relationship to other men, women, and anyone of a different sexual orientation, race, culture, or ethnicity.

Commitment 10 – Gratitude

I commit to having fun, celebrating what is already “right” in my life and being grateful for what I have. I also will practice an attitude of gratitude for every challenge in my life and seek to embrace its wisdom.

Are there additional commitments you would add to your personal list? Share them with the other men here.