Art by Bryce Widom

Most men are locked up and confused sexually.

I am a student when it comes to sex. Sex has brought me incredible shame and unbelievable joy in my life.

Pretty much every guy I have ever talked to about his sex life has been challenged one way or another in the bedroom.

Sex is the most widely googled term. By in large, we are a sexually repressed culture and it leaks out in hypersexualized images everywhere.

Most of us grew up being robbed of a genuine, heartfelt, honest education about sex. Men (and women of course) have received a ridiculous amount of misinformation about sex from boyhood to manhood. Many men remain sexually immature, confused and illiterate. Sex education completely falls short of the what we need to succeed and feel good about ourselves sexually.

As a result, many men are unhappy and ashamed. In addition, with little to no information about the power of sex and the male sex organ, boys and men act out everywhere from rape to every form of sexual abuse and violence. Instead of learning about his erectile dysfunction,  a man can now just take a pill to get a hard on without ever addressing the hidden intelligence of his body’s flaccidity. We remain numb, asleep, angry, hurt, isolated, and very confused about sex.

However, there are pockets of wisdom out there where children, teens and adults can get all the information they need. Brave folks like David Cates are paving the way to help us re-claim the totality of our sexuality. Last year I hired David who is a deep sexual healer (a.k.a. sex coach) to help me. My wife and I were ready to deepen into the next sexual phase of our relationship. Being married with a new baby presents challenges to new parents like us. I was eager to get support from David and learn a new sexual dance and carve out new sexual pathways with my wife.

I have read David Deida, Mantak Chia, the Multi-Orgasmic Male, and other tantric-type books, but all of them have put me further into the “performance game” that most men find themselves in. These teachers have helped a lot of men, but most men just employ the tools without doing any spiritual work, so they lack a solid foundation. The trap is that in order to feel good sexually and get what we want, a man thinks he has to try harder, perform better, “fuck her open to God,” and do it right. He learn tricks, tips, and breathing exercises, in a never ending “project” that requires a ton of work. It’s not too long into this process that many men collapse in frustration.

David Cates, on the other hand, turns this performance game on it’s head. He is teaching me that sex can be effortless. He is teaching me the power of relaxation instead of performance. His teachings are realistic and compassionate toward both parties. I have been so psyched on what I’m learning that I asked David if he’d teach at my leadership training. He did. It rocked. Now, I have asked him yet again to share more of his wisdom in a free conference call.

I strongly suggest you at least sign up for this free call we are doing next Monday the 16th.

After that, if you want to dive in to an amazing 6-week course on the subject of how to get out of the performance game and into a place of “ease” sexually, please join us. And, it’s not what you think, seriously. Click the link to view more about what you will learn…

The Truth is In Your Body, Effortless Sex for a Lifetime

Lastly, it is time we stop keeping sex as this hidden affair. The more we all collude and not share our sexual wounds and victories, the more we let our culture dictate the rules placed upon us so long ago. Let’s talk about sex!

The book I've had since 2003

Ever heard of the punk band “Kill Your Idols?” I love their name.  To me it speaks to how we need to differentiate from our teachers otherwise our view of them can become an impediment, or an obstacle that gets in the way of our own waking up process.

This concept or “teaching” is not new. There is even a website called Kill the Buddha after a well known Zen saying. This site sums up the concept here:

The idea of “killing the Buddha” comes from a famous Zen line, the context of which is easy to imagine: After years on his cushion, a monk has what he believes is a breakthrough: a glimpse of nirvana, the Buddhamind, the big pay-off. Reporting the experience to his master, however, he is informed that what has happened is par for the course, nothing special, maybe even damaging to his pursuit. And then the master gives the student dismaying advice: If you meet the Buddha, he says, kill him.

Why kill the Buddha? Because the Buddha you meet is not the true Buddha, but an expression of your longing. If this Buddha is not killed he will only stand in your way.

So, it is with mixed emotions, some fear, and some excitement that I share an important download I recently received.

Evolving men everywhere refer to the book Way of the Superior Man as the guidepost–a great read for any man wanting to step up his game. It was for me.

Originally I was disturbed by the arrogant title and I put off reading for over a year. Then, it kept getting mentioned so I acquiesced, bought it, and have referred to it for years.

I even joined a “Deida-style” men’s group based around the book. I recommended the book to dozens of men. I even attended his 5-day sexuality and spirituality intensive with David in New York. It rocked my world.

So, for the past six years David Deida’s book Way of the Superior Man has been a real authority for me on men, the masculine, and men/women dynamics. That is, until now.

It’s time for me to bury the book and declare this:

I am done with Way of the Superior Man. I milked this sucker for years and gleaned a lot. The teachings that resonate for me are in me now and I walk forward with them in my own way.

And now, I am burying the book and writing my own. A new men’s personal evolution book is long overdue. So, out with the old and in with the new. Stay tuned for it in 2010.

Thank you Way Of The Superior Man for your wisdom, love, truth, penetration, and insight. And thank you David Deida for writing a revolutionary book that continues to impact thousands of men everywhere. You taught me a great deal. I lay you to rest and bid you many blessings.

With love and respect,

Jayson

p.s. Watch my book burying ritual here.

Am I recommending this approach? Only if you continue to put people or books “above you” and your own inner authority after you have thoroughly digested and integrated their system or teachings.

In the beginning, when we meet an important teacher or mentor, or read a powerful book, it is appropriate to “look up to,” aspire, and consume the material deeply as any devoted student might.

But a lot of folks just don’t move on. They continue to have a bit of “hero worship” thus disempowering their own journey. So long as you do this, it is unlikely you’ll be able to step into who you need to become.

At a certain point, you need to flap your own wings and fly.

As always, seek out mentors, teachers and things that inspire you. Then, think for yourself, and trust your own inner authority.

Recently Bill Harryman blogged about chapter two in David Deida’s book Way of The Superior Man titled “Live with an open heart, even if it hurts.” When I first read this years ago I thought to myself, “Are you nuts?”

Living with your heart open is a rich, unexplored part of the path for most men. Many men keep their heart closed their whole life, never opening up even to their spouse or intimate partner.

I was that guy until about age 30—walking around with a puffed out chest and a closed heart.  At the same time was heart was closed, I longed for a deep connection. Little did I know that it was up to me to make the first move.

So, why bother opening my heart?

First, let’s ask it this way; why not open your heart? Ask yourself “what is the worst thing that can happen?” It gets broken? You get hurt again? Many of you already have had a broken heart.

For me, I had a long list of really good reasons why I was not opening up to my girlfriends and why I kept my distance from my male friends. Mostly, I would blame others. “Well, If I knew she was the one, then I would open up to her.”

Believe me, I know it’s painful and it can even sting, but try this on–feeling into your broken heart is the way back to your own aliveness and your freedom.

Then what do I do?

Here are four practices to experiment with opening your heart at home.

Practice 1: Breathing exercise. Deida has a great breathing exercise in this paragraph taken from chapter two:

“The superior man practices opening during these times of automatic closure. Open the front of your body so your chest and solar plexus are not tense. Sit or stand up straight and full, opening the front of your body, softening your chest and belly, wide and free. Breathe down through your chest and solar plexus, deep into your belly. Look directly into the eyes of whomever you are with, feeling your own pain as well as feeling the other person. Only when the front of your body is relaxed and opened, your breathe full and deep, and your gaze unguarded and directly connected with another person’s eyes, can your fullest intelligence manifest spontaneously in the situation. To act as a superior man, a samurai of relationship, you must feel the entire situation with your whole body. A closed body is unable to sense subtle cues and signals, and therefore unable to act with mastery in the situation.”

Read the rest of chapter 2 of Deida’s book here:  The masculine Heart blog post

Practice 2: Stay connected to your balls

A lot of men think that if they feel their heart or show their feelings, they are weak and less of a man. Just because you are being asked to “feel your feelings” doesn’t mean you need to lose your manliness, direction & power by cutting off your balls.  The saying in some men’s circles is “balls and heart.” The two together make you more attractive to women and trustable to other powerful men.

Practice 3: Take some space

Next time you get in a fight with your partner or spouse, take 5-10 minutes alone by saying something like, “I’m too heated right now to respond. I need some space. I’ll be back in a few minutes.”

Then do practice 1. Really breathe into that hurt place in you and feel it fully, rather than being in your head, justifying all the ways she’s wrong. Stay with your breath and your body sensations. This is the way out. Fights with our lovers are always opportunities to open our heart further.

Want to up the ante and really challenge yourself? Try the next one.

Practice 4: Find another man to be your practice partner and practice being witnessed

Since most men struggle to be genuinely open with another man, this might be a great edge for you to explore.

Next time you are hurt, try telling this man about your hurt. For example, let’s say you just lost your job and you it brings up feelings of worthlessness and fear. You then say to your practice partner, “I lost my job. I feel worthless and afraid right now.” As much as possible feel it and be seen.

Many men would rather keep their pain to themselves. This is a good strategy if you do not want to experience the depth of love and freedom that can come with sharing your heart with another person.

But if you want deep love and connection, sharing your pain builds trust and intimacy. Granted, sometimes when we open up, the other person wants to “fix it” or they try to make you feel better. Skip that approach. It does little to help you open your heart. Attempt to find someone who will just be there and validate your experience.

Ask yourself what kind of relationships you want? To be a revolutionary (superior) man, it is not good enough to stay shut down with a closed heart. As always, don’t take my word for it, try it for yourself and see what happens.

Retweet or email this post along. The world could use more fierce, open-hearted men who can express themselves. Will you be one of them?

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