If the storm continued for months upon months, what would remain standing in the ashes?

For me, there are only 3 things left at this point:

1.     Family—my wife, son, and baby on the way.

2.     Community—friends, men’s group, my guide, and others who unconditionally support my utter deconstruction

3.     My gift— the ability to heal and help others become who they are and become whole again.

That’s about it.

And it’s quite liberating really.

Now, I’m not suggesting the storm is over for me. Hardly. I think there’s more dying to do, more to let go of, and more to surrender to.

While part of me wants to run for the hills to “finish the job,” I am unwilling to abandon my wife and kids.  So the process is a slow burn for me.

I am a householder—a dude with one foot in the material world and one foot in the spiritual world.  Perhaps you are like me in this way.

So, while I continue to get my ass kicked by Life (re-frame is that I am getting loved ferociously by Life), I may as well do two things:

1.     Enjoy the ride and laugh at the cosmic joke of it all

2.     Give my deep gifts and serve.

Last night I dreamt I was with a scouting party high in the snowy mountains in the middle of the night. A man was scared of wolves. He “flushed” them out using a garden hoe. One got trapped in a snare of chains. I was angry. I moved close to the wolf. I spoke to the wolf, calming it, and breathing with it until it relaxed and trusted me. I slowly removed the shiney silver chains from its huge powerful body. The wolf was free again. End of dream.

Digesting this powerful message, I see that my true essence, my soul is the wolf. My ego wants to keep its power chained up, sequestered. But my being is emerging from the darkness and can no longer be contained. I have now have an inner ally to support my radiant, loving, power to run free again.

Progress!

My ability to stand in the face of great adversity, challenge, terror, conflict, tension, and profound love is only widening and deepening.

Perhaps I will meet you there.

I was reminded last night in my bouts of grief that I came into this world, not trusting, not having faith. That was the core imprint. It’s been the slow undercurrent of my experience to date.

When external stressors turn on, I feel gripped. I feel as though I need to manufacture security.

The tape goes like this: External security (i.e. finances being stable) equals trusting my life. If finances are unstable, so am I.

In other words, if my finances get resolved and I feel “secure”, then I can finally trust. And, maybe that is true in some capacity.

However, I want it the other way around. Learn to trust, and know that I am already secure. Learn to trust deeply from the inside, no matter the external circumstances.

I know intellectually that my life is already trustworthy, but I often lack the deep experiential knowing of this.

I’m a 3 on the enneagram, so, with the lack of trust, I compensate  by achieving, accomplishing, doing. While that looks good on the outside, when it is coming from fear, it is exhausting, tiring, draining, and generally lacks fulfilling results.

I refuse to manifest in my life from that fear-based place.  Thankfully, t doesn’t work anyway.

A few days ago, I was pretty locked up.  Shut down, depressed, foggy, flat. This flat place is much more painful than feeling any strong emotion. It feels like someone put a vice on my being and I have no range of motion. My head feels clouded. I lack energy. Some folks call this malaise a depression of sorts. It sure feels depressing.

Since I couldn’t work through it on my own, I reached out and did my first public support call with my mentor.

That helped big time. There was a sweet opening.

But later I re-locked up, still distant from my wife, still irritable, needy, cranky.

I reached out to several bros and immediately got a friend on the line. He reminded me of what I tell him. “Go into the depression, the deadness, and be there, completely present, ride that wave.”

I sat on my meditation cushion with laser awareness. Within minutes, the grief came. Waves of it, for over an hour.

The grief was deep. There is more. As is often the case while expressing my deep grief, I felt so alive. I felt held. Energy was moving again.

When I asked the Universe, “how can I know you will really hold me and be there for me through this?” The answer was an immediate “we already are.”

I asked for a deep knowing in this with a prayer to experience absolute trust and faith in my life, that I am held and to know that in my bones.

May that also be so for you today.

photo courtesy of creative commons flickr

Most men suck at conflict.

To me, the hallmark of a healthy, solid relationship is the willingness and ability to go into conflict, sit in the fire, and deal.

Here are a few basic points about men and conflict, then onto the process of working through it.

First, admit you are afraid

Most guys claim to be fearless and spend a lot of energy acting fearless about most things. But those same men are often single, unhappy, and terrified of relationship strife with loved ones.  As I wrote in my rage post, men commonly respond to conflict either by blowing up, care-taking, or shutting down.

If you want to learn the art of conflict, first admit that you are scared of it. Go ahead and say it out loud. “I feel scared of upsetting _______.” Then you can learn to have the balls to tell the truth and be more fearless when it comes to conflict.

Commit to learning how to do conflict

If you want profound love, and to be a solid leader or community member, learning the art of relationship, specifically how to work through conflict, must be a central focal point of your development as a man. Go there.

Remember that conflict is hardest with the people closest to us

Because of what is at stake, we are challenged most by family, intimate partners, and very close friends. Conflict can be easy with strangers where there is no personal injury at stake. It’s easy to tell a stranger off. Much harder to tell a loved one a painful truth that may upset them.

Learn how to fight with your intimate partner

I knew nothing about conflict until I met my wife. Thankfully, we learned together. At times it was ugly and dark. I felt so incredibly uncomfortable at times and I often wanted to hit the eject button and run away. Ouch.

Since my parents hid their conflict from us kids, I learned that a “healthy relationship” meant no fighting. That teaching is and was bullshit.

Every single short term relationship I had prior to meeting my wife, I would say “yeah, our relationship is great, we never fight,” thinking how my parents taught me well. Little did I know I was keeping the relationship stuck on superficial grounds with the unwritten rule to “not go there.” Deep down, I was terrified of ruffling feathers in all my relationships so I would withhold the truth, tell white lies, care-take, and do anything in my power to avoid tension. The irony was that I was already feeling a lot of tension inside myself. Bottom line? I was afraid of conflict.

My wife and I have had some pretty intense fights and I imagine there will be more.  I have learned that healthy fighting is good for a relationship. It’s fertilizer. We now burn through conflict and relationship challenges within hours.



Practice conflict by telling the truth in safe places such as your men’s circle

Men’s groups are a great place to flounder your way through conflict.  In my own men’s circle, we fumbled our way through conflict that was so intense one man left the group for a while. It took us many years to arrive where we are today, able to deal with, and resolve, conflict.

Enlist another man to role play the person you are in conflict with. Practice, practice, practice speaking your truth and say yes to whatever the outcome is.

Give yourself permission to fuck it up and trust that with help, you can come back and clean it up

Early on, you will blow it and make mistakes. No problem. You can always clean up your mess later after you think, journal, reflect and get feedback from non-biased friends and mentors.

Conflict ain’t pretty. It often hurts and brings up the most uncomfortable feelings ever. Say yes to those feelings.

At the root of any conflict avoidance is your unwillingness to feel pain

Did I already mention being a YES to feeling your discomfort?

You must be willing to feel your feelings fully to move through it and become okay with it. Sorry. There are no bypass roads when it comes to conflict.

Most people hide behind “I don’t want to upset the other person.” When in fact, you don’t want to deal with what you have to feel if you see the other person upset.

The more you avoid conflict, the bigger the shitpile gets

If you “hold on,” avoid, shut down, sleep on it and never come back to it, or just brush stuff under the carpet, your shitpile will crack. It will build until that day when your damn of resentments explodes. Sadly, this often causes way more pain and harm than had you told the truth from the beginning.

Finally…

Very few of us have been taught how to do conflict or how to resolve conflict successfully. Give yourself permission to learn and go slow. Bite off small chunks at first and start with people who you trust will not disown you even if it comes out sloppy.

The middle way is to stay present to the whole range of emotion that arises within you and to speak your truth with a open (o even shaky) heart.

If you can learn relationship conflict, you are that much more adaptable, flexible, agile as a man. Your relationships will not only last longer, they will deepen and strengthen.

Okay fine, but HOW?

Here is a great, simple tool for working through conflict.

It’s called the couples dialogue and is a common tool used by imago relationship therapists. It is also used by everyday folks as a way to move through little and big tension between two people. This process can even be used to tell someone how much you love or care about them.

Be sure to really read the full approach here.

Follow these basic guidelines:

1. Find a witness to help the two of you move through this process.
2. Create a safe space to work through it that you both agree upon.
3. Review the 3-step process by Hendrix and Hunt–Mirror, Validate, Empathize here.
4. Move through the 3-step process (below) with one of you as the “sender” and the other person as the “receiver.” See process below.
5. Switch.
6. Now make a request if you have one.
7. Always remain open to hiring a professional help you work through conflict. Sometimes it feels too big for us on our own.
8. Commit to going all the way with this. Don’t blow off your needs or the other person’s needs unless you have an explicit boundary and you are clear you will not budge.
9. If the other person refuses, you can still clean things up on your end by working with a coach, therapist or friend that can help you speak your truth and move through your part. Your part is the only part you have control over anyway.

This is a condensed version in blue that my friend Jeremy (who has trained with the founders) put together for our men’s group.

SENDER

I would like to dialogue about . . .

Is this a good time?

Then, if the receiver says yes, proceed  If not get a commitment for a specific time and place to do the dialogue.

I feel . . .

When you did this, I felt …

RECEIVER

1.  Mirroring

So, if I got that right, you feel …

Did I get that right?

2. Validation

That makes sense.

Is there more?

Then, after a few rounds, offer a “summary” mirror:

Let me see if I got all that.  If I got all that right, when I did ____, you felt ____.

Did I get all that right?

If the sender says yes, then move to step 3.

3. Empathy

I imagine that must feel really bad, or painful, or scary, or ____.

NEW AGREEMENT

After the process is complete, if desired, the sender can ask for an agreement for the future, to create more safety and trust and deepen the relationship.  The receiver does not have to agree to the sender’s request, but must offer a counterproposal.  If needed, the two can agree to work out a final, new agreement at a specific time in the future.  This ensures that something concrete and specific emerges from the dialogue.

Despite what folks think, you don’t have to take your resentments to your grave. You can do conflict and you can learn to successfully navigate your part in the conflict. And, the more you do this, the greater mastery you will have in all or your relationships.

Some might say “the unknown,” “being broke,” “not being loved,” or “not being in control.” While these top the list, there are a few fears much deeper, mostly unconscious, and more secret that most dudes just won’t admit they have or have had.

The three big fears that stem from outdated male conditioning are:

1. Being perceived as gay
2. Being perceived as too feminine
3. A fear that your cock is not big enough, and therefore you are not adequate

If this is true that men fear these, then it is also true that these are the three areas to exploit and shame another man.

Men who are insecure in one or more of these areas will be highly susceptible to ridicule in these areas. However, he will do his best to hide it.  The mask he will wear will be thick and seemingly impenetrable. Be honest. Ask yourself from boyhood until now if you have feared these. I have feared all of these at some point in my life.

Let’s take a quick look at all three.

1. Being perceived as gay

Since so many men are simply out of touch with who they really are, and are fundamentally insecure, being called “gay” can be very threatening. For these men, gay = bad, wrong, weak, womanly, sensitive, and less than.

Think about it. In conventional male culture (particularly for teens and young men), the biggest put down you can give another man is to call him a fag. Men joke in this way all the time. But underneath the joke is a hidden truth. That to the men giving the put down, they are deeply afraid that they will be seen as homosexual or gay and they know the other man might have questions too.

Prior to having any self-awareness whatsoever, I shamefully admit that in college I participated in gay bashing by calling my male friends who I perceived had more feminine character traits. At the same time, I did my best to hide any aspect of myself that I felt was weak or revealed how incredibly sensitive I was.  I also questioned my sexuality in adolescence and had no one to talk to about it. So, like a guy’s guy, I puffed up, I hid it, and instead made fun of others.

Rapper Eminem was asked by MTV’s Kurt Loder in 2001 why he used “faggot” in all his songs to put down other men. Eminem responded:

The lowest degrading thing you can say to a man when you’re battling him is to call him a faggot and try to take away his manhood. Call him a sissy, call him a punk. “Faggot” to me doesn’t necessarily mean gay people. “faggot” to me just means taking away your manhood.

Sadly Eminem’s view is very common. And, even if it wasn’t meant as a putdown to gays, it is. Talk to most gay folks. Using “gay” or “fag” as a putdown perpetuates aggression, disrespect, and even violence toward gays.

Anti-gay behavior is so ingrained in our culture and starts from day one. If a little baby boy so much as gets a toy that looks like a “girl toy” he might be teased by a nearby watchful adult as gay or girly. So begins the cycle of the boycode.

William Pollack PHD, coined the phrase “boycode” to suggest that boys are put in what he calls a gender straight-jacket as early as infancy. Boys must only act like boys and if they cry, whine, don’t play sports, or wear girl-colored clothing, they are not being a boy. Sadly, this behavior is conditioned largely by fearful, insecure, adult men who do not want to be seen having a boy who is “not acting like a boy.”

Boys are conditioned to be boys and boys in most modern cultures have a “do’s and don’ts list” of behaviors. Since boys have no formal initiation in this culture, “adult boys” model boyhood and manhood, which becomes an incredibly narrow version of masculinity, and sadly one we are dealing with right now.

Michael Kimmel in his book Guyland pinpoints the “guycode”  which grows out of the boycode. The guycode is essentially the same as the boycode, but for adult men. It’s just another box we men buy into.

Read their books as this is not meant to serve as a research project. Rather it is to pinpoint the sad but obvious truth about the mainstream man in this culture.

Gay men are just as much men as straight men. Practice acceptance.

2. Being perceived as too feminine

I remember playing golf as a boy. If I putt the ball short of the hole, the older men used to say, “hit it Alice” to imply I was putting like a woman because I didn’t hit the ball hard enough. I also remember in college challenging other men to drink more by calling them “skirts” if they were not keeping up (as if 10 or 12 beers was not enough).

In men’s sports, coaches often uses terms such as “ladies” to describe men who are not stepping up, who are quitting, or who are acting weak. Even in the blockbuster Avatar, the “bad guys” called each other ladies to motivate each other.

Think of the cost here with our teenage boys. When boys and adolescent boys are trained day in and day out to put each other down with “girl,” “pussy,” “vagina,” “cunt,” etc, over time the association becomes entrenched. It can start out pretty innoscent, but pretty soon, this bleeds over to how boys treat girls. They begin to disrespect girls in an ongoing way and use “girl behavior” as the big put down to each other. They attempt to push away the feminine because they are doing their best to hide the feminine aspects of themselves.

Boys will hide any vulnerable or seemingly feminine aspects of themselves or face the ridicule of their peers and thus not belong or feel accepted by their peer group.

Tragically, boys will bury anything about themselves that resembles a girl.

3. A fear that your cock is not adequate

The other big diss boys and guys dish out to each other is to insult another man’s penis.  Find a way to call attention to another man’s inadequacy by attacking his privates. No wonder boys and men are so uncomfortable talking about their cocks, their sexual fears, or inadequacies. No wonder shame begets shame.

Countless men (and women) have fears of being inept, impotent, inadequate, worthless, not good enough, and not man enough. Men often associate these with their cock and their cock’s performance. In traditional guy culture your cock = your success. If your cock works, gets action with women only, and is big, then you are a man.

What nonsense. And yet this is often what young boys learn through other men, the media and through porn.

Internet porn thus becomes the guidepost for boys who have nowhere to turn. The basic message for a boy or man watching porn is the same as above. “Use your cock to take her, thrust, fuck, be in charge, dominate, control,” because that is supposedly what she wants. Again, another box. Boys and men buy into the box and if anything happens outside the box, there must be something wrong with you.

Believe it or not, your cock is fine just the way it is. You are adequate. Even if you lose your erection or believe you have a small penis, you are enough. It’s commonly understood that most women don’t care about size.

My advice:

1. The re-frame. Your vulnerability is your strength. Yup. Believe it or not, your vulnerability is your strength. Not in mainstream culture or traditional manhood of course. But who cares? If you read this blog, you are not a conventional, mainstream man. You are more conscious than that. Start acting like you are.

2. Be yourself and stop giving a shit what others think of you. Seriously. Have the balls to be yourself (not your ego-self) and blast out of the box your culture, your father, or your peers put you in.

3. Grow up. Move on past this juvenile behavior. Lead the way and practice not buying into these 3 fears. They only serve to keep you inside that box. You don’t need them. At the same time if you are secure in who you are as a man, skip dissing other men by using these deeply entrenched jabs. You just perpetuate aggression, violence, and intolerance in people that are different than you. If you are scared and want to protect yourself, fine. But get some new tools, seriously.

4. Start respecting your fellow man, no matter who they are. That’s right, criminals, democrats, republicans, gay, straight, black, white, red, brown, yellow. Practice acceptance and start with the guy staring you in the face everyday.

5. Challenge him. If you want to help another man step up, challenge him to reach his potential.

6. Call him out. When a man is thirty-five and he is acting like a boy, call him on that. This does not mean if a man is crying he is acting like a boy. Men cry. I cry. Crying and showing strong emotion is a sign of strength. But if he acts like he is fourteen or is trapped in “guyland” and refuses to be a man, call him out. Demand more from him.

7. Get out of the gender box. Men come in all shapes, colors, and sizes. Be careful about how you put boys (including your own children) in a gender box. Let your son be emotional, sensitive, and free. If he plays with dolls, get curious about why you care so much. It’s likely that you are afraid what others will think of you. Encourage him to be himself and trust himself, not some version of your rigid self. Do the same with your adult male friends and colleagues.

I have been known to challenge a man’s manhood to this day. I feel okay about it. Why? Because I am demanding that he act like an adult and be truthful with who and what he is. I want the best out of him. I demand what is behind his mask. I want his authentic version of him, not some box that his culture put him in. I don’t have some outdated, stoic, John Wayne version of manhood. That’s a bunch of crap.

If you decide to challenge another man’s manhood, come from a place of honor and respect and remember tip number 3. We can and do challenge each other as men. But let us do it by building one another up without disrespecting someone else or comparing ourselves to anyone.

This World needs less “adult boys” and more open-hearted, fearless, conscious men. Will you be one of them?

Photo by Josh Levin

It’s near the new year, the solstice has happened and the days are getting longer. This translates into you giving birth to another aspect of yourself, your vision, and what you want in your life.

Or, it leads to another year gone by….

For years, I worked in wilderness therapy programs for troubled teens. The kids sent to these programs were often kidnapped by “escorts” in the middle of the night and taken to a remote wilderness location for one to four months.

Ninety nine percent of the time, the kids sent to these programs didn’t want to be there. They were forced to be there by their parents and the expectation from the parents was  “fix my kid.”  From the beginning it was always a set up.

The kids would show up shut down, angry, scared, and very resistant. Within days or weeks, they understood that the key to leaving the program was to “play the game.” Many kids would fake it and others would genuinely try to change. Regardless, the fuel for their change was usually motivated by one or two forces:

• External influence. Someone outside themselves such as their parents. “If my parents want me to change, fine, I will change and be different for them.”
• Fear. Fear of consequences and fear of rejection and abandonment. “If I don’t change, then I might loose my freedoms and the people I love the most.”

Because changes kids actually did make were through one or both of these forces, change and gains in their treatment were often small and short-lived.

It is very common for anyone who works a program of any kind, be it addiction recovery, an eating disorder, a fitness/diet program, or a simple new year’s resolution, to “relapse” into their old ways a few months after starting. Why? Because the motivation for change did not come from deep inside.

Most of the kids in the wilderness programs lacked this fundamental intrinsic desire to transform.  They felt pressure from the grown ups and so they tried to change for them. We adults are no different.

The same is true in a relationship with a lover. It often goes like this:

A man is brought into couples counseling by a woman who is unhappy with the way her man is being. She is hungry for more of him. She sees his potential and yearns for him to reach it. But he is somewhat comfortable in “his way” and lacks tools to tap into his potential so he gets lazy and cozy watching sports and distracting himself by working on other “projects.” She gets frustrated and asks him to change. He feels pressured, caves in, and tries to change for her without really getting inspired  himself to be different. Know anyone like this?

Rarely does this kind of couples counseling work. Until the man is ready and willing to change he won’t change. Whatever small gains he makes will be for her. This eventually leads to resentments and further disconnection.

This set up also works with our relationship to ourselves. We have two parts. One voice says “You should change and go to the gym 5 days/week.” The other voice, mostly unconscious to us, with more power says, “Fuck you, you can’t tell me what to do.” And so goes our internal struggle.

Do you feel an inner conflict sometimes?  Or are you hiding out in some way? Coasting along in a mediocre relationship? Drifting from you own path in a dead-end job? Or do you claim you want something in your life to be different but you just can’t make it happen? What will it take for you to change?

In my article on spirituality, I mention 3 things it takes for men to “find” spirituality:

• When things fall apart. Through a major life crisis or intense suffering personally or relationally.
• Intrinsic motivation. Through intense longing and hunger for more in life
• Solitude -Spending a considerable amount of time alone

It is the same with personal change, growth, and transformation. And this is the secret to lasting change that sticks.

Said in another way…

Option A-action

You must be willing to do whatever it takes to change the thing you want changed.

That’s right, whatever it takes and at whatever the cost.

So, if you are up to the task, make a commitment, both to yourself and out loud with another person. Something like this:

I commit to doing anything and everything in my power to change _______, and get the results that I desire. (this is commitment 11 of the 10 commitments to manhood).

Remember, this is not about changing another person or something outside of your locus of control. Pick something about yourself that you want to change.

For example, a client recently told me “I want deeper, more connected relationships. I want to work through whatever blocks I have to intimacy and love.” First he is clear on what he wants, next he can make a commitment to change it and put an action plan in place to work on it.

When I was 29 years old, I was in a lot of pain and I was suffering. My relationships would only go so deep. I longed for more. At the same time, I always blamed the woman and refused to look at myself.

But at 29 and with ten or more years of limited results and unfulfilled relationships, I hit a tipping point. My pain was so substantial and my desire for gain was so strong that I was ready. I remember saying to myself and my therapist at the time, “I am willing to do whatever it takes to get better results.”

That was a big moment in my life and it is what sent me on a personal evolution path that continues today.

Note: If you don’t take option A, you invite the default option B which may or may not happen before you die. Let’s look at option B.

Option B-passive

You wait for something bad to happen to you.

I have not shared this one in a while, but for years I wanted something bad to happen to me so in order for me to change, and then my life would have meaning. I wished that some doctor would tell me I had six months to live or that I had some rare disease and that I would lose my legs. Can you relate? Maybe I’m just weird.

I didn’t know about option A until the slow 10-year burn turned to unbearable frustration and reached a critical mass.  At that point I stopped looking outward and turned my attention on my own games and bullshit and asked, “What if I’m the problem?”

It was then that I realized that there was hope for me. But it would take some brutal personal work to get the results that I so yearned for.

Marketing experts know that you want to wait for option B and through this, they prey upon you. Mainstream ad campaigns promise to fix your pain and to do it with ease and little effort on your part. Think about drug companies. “Take this pill or buy this product and you will feel better.” They prey upon the bystander in you that wants someone to do it for you.

Well guess what? True change will only happen when you a) want it bad enough or b) when you wait for the shit to hit the fan. And if you are in mild discomfort, you are less motivated than someone in extreme discomfort and therefore less likely to change.

See if this is true for you and your own changes that have stuck.

Are you playing the victim, waiting around for something to happen to you?  Or are you going to take full responsibility for your life, man up, and get clear about the internal changes you want to make and start today in making them?

Let’s say you are motivated by an external factor such as wanting to be a better father for your kids, this is fine in the beginning. But at a certain point, you must change for you and the desire must come from deep within you. The benefits toward others will come naturally.

You have to want it.

You must be incredibly hungry.

You must want it bad enough or you are simply waiting…

So, here’s my advice for you brave souls who are considering change.

1.  Get very clear on motivation for change. Is it for your wife/spouse/partner? Is it external? Internal? Both?

2.  Next, how bad do you want it? Rate yourself from 1-10, 10 being “I will do whatever it takes.”

3.  Then, look at your thoughts and words and see if it matches your behavior. If you make a claim you are a “10″ and want to change, but your actions are a “7″ and speak a different message, then you are not congruent and your change ain’t gonna stick.

4.  Get congruent. The more congruent you can be, the more likely change is to happen. It might not be at the pace you want or in the way you want. Congruency means that your thoughts, words, and actions all line up and say the same thing. This leads to trustworthiness and deeper integrity as a man.

5. Once you are crystal clear, take full responsibility to make the change happen and commit to it.

6.  Make an action plan and get accountability from another man or a men’s group.

7.  Hire a therapist or coach and/or find a spiritual path and community that resonates with who you are to support you.

If you don’t know what you want to change, but you know things could be different, start by getting some feedback from trusted friends. What do people really think of you? What consistent feedback do you get that pisses you off? What have your intimate partners said about you that is the same every time?

The “how” comes after you are a 10 and after you are foaming at the mouth for change.

Special note to the helpers out there that want to change someone else

If you know someone who has a ton of potential and you just know they would benefit from a personal development workshop, a coach, a therapist or a book, rather than try to change them, please own how their behavior impacts you.

This will help them understand that the cost of their inaction. Advice and sneaky suggestions are not nearly as effective as truth telling about what happens for you when they are the way they are.

It is fine to make a request from a place of love and respect. “I care about you Bob, I want to encourage you to go hire a coach to help you get better results. I’m tired of the talk with no action. I am trusting you less as a man.”

At a certain point, wanting to change someone is an act of aggression and demonstrates a fundamental lack of trust in their path and their life. Who are you to know what is best for them? Who made you the authority on what is best for them and what would help them? If they want to keep stewing in their own bullshit, they have a right to do so.

Always come back to yourself. The more self-awareness you have, the more effective you will be in the changes you so desire.

When you are judging another person, is it coming from fear? What about when you think you are better than someone else? And how can you really know when you are afraid and what is it like to own up to that fact?

Leave a comment about what you find…

“ There are two basic motivating forces: fear and love. When we are afraid, we pull back from life. When we are in love, we open to all that life has to offer with passion, excitement, and acceptance. We need to learn to love ourselves first, in all our glory and our imperfections. If we cannot love ourselves, we cannot fully open to our ability to love others or our potential to create. Evolution and all hopes for a better world rest in the fearlessness and open-hearted vision of people who embrace life. ”

–John Lennon

What’s going on? Well, I just announced the second Revolutionary Man Leadership Training and I feel like i just jumped off a cliff to my demise. But, I’m still falling and I’m unclear as to whether the chute will open…..Hmmmm….

Whenever I put some new vision out there I am putting ME out there. Right now, I am expanding. Into what? Into the next version of me of course. I am well outside my comfort zone in this moment. I’m in unknown territory. The landscape is new and uncertain.

Think of it this way and see if you can relate.

I’m deep into the wilderness, alone. Backpack on, compass in hand and a rough map of the terrain. No trail in sight. I’m bushwhacking into the unknown.

After a while I begin to feel scared. I want to find the trail that everybody walks. I want to go back to the known path. I want the freakin’ map dammit! (the self doubt intensifies) Maybe I’ll just head for the parking lot, get in my car and bail on the whole plan. Yeah,… just head home, settle down with a pint of Ben and Jerry’s and a good movie. Who needs this adventure crap?

Ever feel this way?

But no, I can’t turn back now. It’s too late. I’m too bold. I believe in something far more important than my fear. There’s no need to run back to home, to the known world. It’s choiceless to turn back. (Reminds me of the Napoleon story of landing on enemy ground and burning the ships).

Who am I again? And why am I headed toward the unknown?

Oh yeah, I’m an adventurer. I’m a trailblazer. I’m an explorer and the open road is my home. Being at my edge, scared shitless, following my heart, and not knowing what’s next.

Damn, it feels good to be alive.

But I’m scared.

So what? Be with the fear. Remember, to be scared is to be human. No need to take it so seriously. Now, remember why I am here and what I believe in.

Right.

Oh yeah, the two steps:

1. Just open to my fear and to my self doubt. Acknowledge it, be with it, breathe and then…

2. Get my head back in the game. Back toward what matters. Back to MY vision.

What am I scared of? Failure of course. I’m scared to fail. What’s the worst thing that could happen? I fail–no one signs up for my training.  B.F.D. as my friend Dave used to say, so freakin’ what?

The point is I am out on a limb with a training I believe in. Something I’m so passionate about I’d die for it. That’s right. Win or lose, fail or succeed, the very act of putting my heart’s vision out there feels awesome!

I teach men all the time about fear. Once again in my life I am being asked to walk the talk. I accept. Time to re-commit.

I commit to following my heart, no matter the cost. And I commit to staying connected to my heart. I vow to live with an open heart even if it hurts. (Read more here) (This is Commitment 10 of the 10 Commitments).

What about you?

I hope this serves to remind you to “be with” your fear, burn the map, stand tall, trust yourself, say “YES” to the unknown, and keep your compass bearing toward your heart’s vision.

Go for it.

The closest I ever came to identifying what was really going on was “I’m in a funk.” Many folks know this as feeling off somehow or my personal favorite, “I’m in a bad mood.”

Underneath such comments is an entire emotional landscape that remains largely unexplored. The metaphor I like to use is that of a lake.

When standing on the shore of a large lake, you can  see ripples, colors, and reflections. If it is windy or stormy out, the surface of the lake changes and makes it even harder to see beneath the surface. Not until the storm dies down can you begin to see more clearly. When things are still, the lakes surface mirrors it’s surroundings.

Venture beyond the shoreline and even more possibility opens up. The lake takes on a new perspective. Looking beyond the reflection it becomes three dimensional and you can see below the surface.

We are very similar. When we are upset, it is hard to see things clearly. The only way to see things clearly is to take some space from the upset, calm down and gain a new perspective. Why am I mentioning this metaphor?

Because feeling helps you see clearly. And seeing clearly helps you move more freely toward what you want in your life. And when you get what you want, you are more fulfilled.

But Why Is It So Hard For Dudes to Feel?

Contrary to some big generalizations out there men do in fact feel, but most men were trained as little boys by the “boy code” to not feel. They were trained and taught to suck it up not cry etc. For example, as a boy I was trained by my Dad and my culture to not feel. To feel meant I would be judged as a wimp, a girl or even gay. (As if girls or gay people are somehow bad?) So, men do feel, it’s just challenging for many men to know what they are feeling.

So, it’s understandable why many men don’t allow themselves to feel and can’t even identify a feeling. Many adult men are still very scared to feel their feelings because if they do, their fear is they will be judged as not manly, acting like a girl or being weak or gay.

So, most men never venture out beyond the shoreline and certainly don’t look below the surface. Therefore, many men remain locked up, shut down and not free.

The cost of not being willing to feel

1. relationship blues

Sadly, these old fears keep many men locked up around their feelings and lead to very frustrating relationships for women dating these men. Rather than dive in to the unknown waters of intimacy, men stay on the shore, where it is safe. But as any sailor will tell you, a ship in a harbor is safe, but that’s not what ships are built for (a William Shedd quote).

Moreover, men who shut down or stuff their feelings remain emotionally constipated and have very little facility or freedom when it comes to intimacy. Then, they keep resisting actual help like couples counseling.

2. narrow bandwidth of expression.

If you never let yourself feel grief, anger, sadness and other “negative” emotions, you will have less access to the “positive” emotions such as joy, love, and happiness. The waters you are able to swim and navigate are more shallow. For example, if you avoid  “negative” emotions, you might experience some happiness but the depth with which you feel it is limited.

3. you are not free.

Staying on the shore, you never really get to test if your vessel is seaworthy. Freedom is the open water of who you are, not the shore.

4. physical problems.

Most body workers, massage therapists, and good body-centered, somatic therapists know that the body holds and stores trauma and unexpressed emotion. The more you hold, the more the body has to carry the burden. Your boat begins to decay having never touched water. Stoic men who never learn to feel, are simply in pain.

5. You are less available to give and receive love.

If you shut yourself off from your own emotions and never “set sail”, you’ll never know what it is like to swim or sail. The endless terrain that is available to you will remain a distant dream. If you want to feel more love, try feeling all your feelings. Try exploring what lies below the surface farther from the shore.

If you choose to feel, a huge reward awaits you

For the brave who do decide to face the unknown lake of discomfort and painful emotion, what you will experience may shock you.  Try it and see what happens. Let me know what you discover. To me it’s something like an elixir.

But Where Do I Start?

1. Get quiet: When you are upset or “in a funk” sit down or lie down and be still. You cannot see below the surface until you are still. Meditation is a tool that can help.

2. Get Curious: Start with the facts before you begin to interpret or try to figure it out. Target 3 main areas:

a. Thoughts–When did it start? Ask yourself when this feeling started? Was it the fight with your partner last week? Was it a call with your parents? An ex-lover? Did something piss you off at work? Where are your thoughts going and what are they like?

b. Emotions—What does it feel like? explore the feeling quality and the sensation that goes a long with it. Is it hot? cold? tight? humming? vibrating? tense? soft, achy? Does it have a color? a tone? Does it radiate? is it dense? thick?

c. Body sensations–Where in your body do you feel it? Is it in your throat? Gut? Chest? Where does it live?

3. Take responsibility for what you are feeling: Name it, begin to articulate it with a friend. For example, “wow, for the last few days I was locked up. Now I know that it started when ____happened. I have felt tense and irritated ever since. I feel shut down and I don’t want to be around anyone.”

4. Notice what your default behavior is when you feel this way. When you find yourself, “in a funk” do you numb out with TV? food? sugar? porn? masturbation? alcohol? drugs? Or do you isolate? Or both?

5. Choose to feel it until it changes. Have the balls to turn toward it. After all, what is the worst thing that could happen?

Want to feel more love and lightness in your life? Then start saying “yes” to feelings you have been saying “no” to.  Invite them in and get to know them. As John Wellwood says, befriend your emotions. See what happens and report back.

It is possible that when you venture out beyond the shores and swim farther out in the lake that you might experience more fear, but at the same time more freedom and aliveness.