Ever feel stuck, alone, unsupported and lacking follow through? Do you still think doing it all by yourself is working?

Well, now might be a good time to get off the couch and start a men’s group. A wha..???

Listen to the New Man Podcast for a fun conversation with Tripp Lanier and me about what a men’s group is and how it might serve you. Click here to listen.

Until now, there has been no up-to-date “how to” guide to help you get a group going. I can’t tell you how many emails I get asking about how to get a men’s group going and what to do. To meet the need, Tripp and I have been working for the past few months and have produced what we think is a powerful product– “How To Start and Lead a Men’s Group.”

In my own life, a men’s group has saved my ass and helped me step up my game in all areas of my life. Having a group of men that have my back has been critical to my own success and fulfillment. More on the value of a men’s group here.

The great thing about a men’s group is that it is basically free. Once you get a group going, it can be free accountability and support for the rest of your life, seriously.

Just follow this link to explore more about how a men’s group can help you.

If you would rather have a group facilitated for you or you want hands on support, feel free to sign up for my leadership training here or get a few guys together and fly me out to your city or town and we can set up a weekend intensive as I did in Chicago recently.

Despite what you father did or told you, there is no need to go it alone anymore. Or, continue to go it alone and see what kind of results you get compared to other men who are getting an accountability, challenge, and support. Observe and take note.

I want to invite you along as I explore what is really possible for men who want to transform their lives.

If I say to you “Join me in finding out more about what is wrong in your life and your world!” What does the quality of this question feel like? Contraction.

If, on the other hand I say to you, “Join me in creating an inspiring, conscious community of men who will have a huge impact on their own lives and lives of others!” What does this feel like? Expansion.

Take note of your own life. When you want something to be different or you want others to join your cause, what approach are you taking? One of contraction or expansion? Are you approaching a life-change with visionary possibility? Or are you fault-finding and complaining about what’s not working?

Please watch this short 2 minute video for more on this.

It feels great to invite you all into what is possible. And, stay tuned for a huge offer that will invite you further toward what is possible in your own life.

Consider this shift permanent.

Jayson

The result? Unhappy, unfulfilled people who somehow feel “off.” These same people don’t know that if they free themselves from their limiting beliefs, it can lead to feeling more whole and more free as a human being.

For example, in my 20’s I was popular, well-liked, had lots of friends, traveled the world, and dated great women. To others, I had the life.

Inside however, I was not happy. Other people assumed that I was “the man” and as far as they knew I was an intense guy, but a happy guy. Yet there was another truth– underneath the surface, there was a conflicting story going on.

Underneath “I’m the man” was the limiting belief that I was worthless and inadequate. I felt shitty about myself and was not inspired about my life. As you can imagine I couldn’t reconcile these two conflicting stories that I had about myself.

Since others liked me I would often get caught up in an ego trip, thinking that yes, even though I was depressed inside, I was the man. But this belief was a mask, a front others believed. I ended up wearing it for a long time.

We all have some dynamic like this operating within us which we learned while growing up. For many of us this dynamic has two parts:

1. The mask we wear to get what we want in the world such as love, approval, attention, fame, recognition. The mask’s job is to hide or cover for the limiting belief under it.
2. The limiting belief or cognition (that is often unconscious) such as “I’m not worthy of love,” “I’m a failure,” and “I can’t trust anyone” or even self-aggrandizing beliefs such as “I’m better than everyone” which lay buried underneath the mask.

What I have learned since then is that neither story is true. I am not my ego and I am not my core belief.

The next question to ask then is “who am I?”

As Tibetan meditation master and founder of Naropa University Chogyam Trungpa Rinpoche taught at our core we are all fundamentally good. He called it basic goodness. In other words, there is nothing fundamentally wrong with you and there never was.

But somewhere along the way, we believed there was something wrong with us and then we started orienting our lives around this core limiting belief and formed a mask to hide this aspect of ourselves. In some cases we did such a good job that we fooled everyone. If we do this long enough, our mask becomes our identity that covers up  our primary insecurities.

But remember, our mask isn’t who we are.

So, what do I do If I want to move beyond my limiting beliefs? Self Inquiry

Identify your Mask
First identify if this dynamic is going on inside you. Be honest. Ask yourself what mask do I wear in the world? Is it different with family, co workers and friends? Write about it or even draw a picture of it.

What is my core belief?
Next, do you have a core belief about yourself? Remember, some of you have an inflated sense of self such as “I’m better than everyone else.” It doesn’t have to be a negative belief.  Sometimes, there are a number of core beliefs going on. What are yours?

What is the cost?
How do having a core belief and then wearing a mask impact your relationships? Make a list of 5 consequences of both your mask and your limiting belief that fuels it.

Meditation Question 1
Get quiet by mediating for 5-minutes. Identify with your story of who you think you are, then drop the story and dive down by asking “What is true right now?”

As you ask this question, let is be like a flashlight that points to 3 areas:

• Thoughts (I’m bad, what’s for lunch? etc)
• Body sensations (tight, tingley, vibrating, etc)
• Emotions (sad, happy, angry etc)

Stay in the now. Keep coming back to the present moment. Continue to work this question. You are observing what is actually true right now as opposed to whatever story or tape is playing in your mind.

Meditation question 2

Now sit in the same way and ask this question: Who would I be without my story or limiting belief? Notice what arises.

By doing this practice daily, you may begin to experience more freedom from your story, more space. You might even begin to take your limiting belief(s) less seriously. Once you begin to let go of who you think you are, the real you will  you will begin to emerge.

Remember: The way to move beyond limiting beliefs is look for the truth inside you. The truth of who you actually are.

Stay tuned for another post on this subject where we will replace the limiting belief with a new one.

Engage with this and report back.

I used to think most personality tests were pretty lame. Even the Myers Briggs. What do they really tell me about myself that I don’t already know?

Well, I have since been very humbled by The Enneagram which revealed that I was a type-three!

This modern psychological tool is used by millions across the world for more self-understanding and self-actualization. The symbol is shown to the left.

The symbol itself is said to date back 2,500 years. The psychology of the 9 points related to the symbol is said to date back to the fourth century AD. The symbol, used with the 9 personality types used in harmony is merely a few decades old.* For more history about the Enneagram click here.

The Enneagram is a conglomerate of many sacred teachings from Christianity to Judaism, and even Buddhism.  Since the 1970′s it has been used to help people understand themselves more deeply and reach their human, spiritual potential.

So what?

The Enneagram can help you understand that you are not your personality. That below your conditioned personality is something utterly profound—your true essence as a human being.

The Enneagram is one of my favorite tools to assist others in understanding their blocks, habitual patterns, and their strengths.

And for men and women that want to be truly themselves (and not what others taught them or told them to be) and reach their innate potential, it is a must-have tool for personal (and even professional) development.

Because as said in my earlier post, the deeper you know yourself, the more choices you have in life and the more freedom and fulfillment you will discover.

How do I start?

To do this right, I recommend taking a free test online here. Once you do that, read about each type and get a sense of yours. You might take another different test online and see what you score there, so that you have two sets of results to compare.

To really do it right, I suggest buying The Wisdom Of The Enneagram book by Riso & Hudson.

Here is an short description of each type so you can get a sense of which you might identify with. Remember, each type has a neurotic aspect and a wisdom aspect. Riso & Hudson do a good job of showing you where you are stuck and what you need to do to integrate to a higher level of being.

Type One: The reformer: Principled, idealistic, perfectionist

• Basic Fear: I’m bad, corrupt.
• Healthy self: I’m a reasonable, objective person

Type two: The Helper, caretaker. Caring, interpersonal.

• Basic Fear: Of Being unloved
• Healthy self: I’m a caring, loving person

Type three: The Achiever: Success-oriented, doer. gets it done.

• Basic Fear: I’m worthless
• Healthy self: I am an outstanding, effective person

Type Four: The Individualist, the artist. Romantic, self-aware, sensative.

• Basic Fear: Of having no identity or significance
• Healthy self: I am an intuitive, sensitive person

Type Five: The investigator. Intense, intellectual, insightful, curious, often observing at a distance.

• Basic Fear: Of being incompetent, helpless and incapable
• Healthy self:I am an intelligent, perceptive person

Type Six: The Loyalist, committed, security-oriented, responsible.

• Basic Fear: Of being without support and guidance
• Healthy self:I am a committed, dependable person

Type Seven: The Enthusiast. Busy, productive, leader, optimistic, spontaneous, versatile.

• Basic Fear: Of being trapped in pain and deprivation
• Healthy self:I am a happy, enthusiastic person

Type Eight: The Boss or Challenger. Powerful, dominating

• Basic Fear: Of being harmed, controlled or violated
• Healthy self:I am a strong, assertive person

Type Nine: The Peacemaker. Easygoing, trusting.

• Basic Fear: Of loss, separation and fragmentation
• Healthy self:I am a peaceful, easygoing person

As the book The Wisdom Of the Enneagram says, “The core truth that the Enneagram conveys to us is that we are much more than our personality.”

To me, this model is 10 times more powerful than the Myers Briggs personality test.

So, if you are committed to your own development and growth, the Enneagram is an essential tool to have in the tool kit.

Resources:

*The Wisdom Of The Enneagram by Ruso and Hudson— A great intro

*Spiritual Dimensions of the Enneagram by Matri –A more advanced read for the Enneagram geeks.

http://www.enneagraminstitute.com/

Over the years I have heard many people report, “I know myself.” Yeah right. I remember saying that in my teens and early 20′s with gusto, and I had no idea what I was talking about. The truth is I didn’t know myself then and in a way I still don’t. In fact, I’m an ocean of possibility.

Knowing oneself is not a fixed destination you arrive at one day, where you plant your flag in your spot, buy your house you live in forever, drive the same car to the same job and then kick your feet up to your nightly ritual of TV. If you want to not grow, this comfort and security-seeking approach might be fine.

Self knowledge means that you have come to an understanding that you are limitless. You understand that you grow, change and adapt and die. You understand this is nature’s law and the Universe’s law. Investigate this for yourself. Don’t take my word for it. Look around and see things as they actually are.

If we are hip to the present moment, no two moments are like the next. The concept of impermanence ripples through our life like a steady stream or a mountain torrent. A person that has self-knowledge and self understanding is open to the inevitable change that exists in everything.

But why do people not want to explore themselves further?

Fear of course. The comfort seeking person has no real desire to change, nor much motivation to do so. I respect that, but you’re not the person I want to grab a beer with or go on a long camping trip with. In addition, many comfort seekers are afraid, plain and simple. Afraid of what? Afraid of not knowing, afraid of feeling what they bury, and afraid of growth.

As my blogging friend Seth Simonds says, “real change starts with a recognition of deficiency [which we all have by the way] and a no-holds-barred desire to improve.“ In other words, you have to want to grow and most people don’t really want to grow that badly.

For men and women who want to find true freedom however, change, growth, and understanding yourself are paramount.

So, when I hear folks claim with certainty, “I know myself,” I don’t trust them. I personally don’t have a clue what’s coming next in my life. Believe me, I get scared, try to pin it down and find a routine, but nature has a way of undermining my desire to be comfortable and predict what’s next. And, being cozy and comfortable isn’t what I want anyway, it’s just what my ego wants.

Self knowledge can only be known through deep self-inquiry and experienced in each moment. If you are not able to identify what you are feeling or experiencing in any given moment, chances are you don’t know yourself very well and could use some tools or guidance getting you in tune with yourself.

But How and with What Tools?

To experience true freedom, we do need a map and tools. Krishnamurti was all about going it alone and not relying upon churches, institutions, spiritual teachers, mentors or even books. The tool he used? Like many philosophers he used his mind and his thoughts. These are fine. But for most folks like you and me, we need a few more tools.

Here are 4 more tools toward more Self Knowledge:

• Solitude to self-reflect, meditate and contemplate your own state of mind. Learn to sit quietly with yourself and just watch the display in your mind as well as in your body. Become a curious observer of yourself. More on solitude here.
• Self inquiry–ask yourself tough questions in any given interaction. Look into Byron Katie, Krishnamurti, & yes, Eckhart Tolle. These teachers emphasize self-inquiry.
• Find A mentor and use Therapy, Group Work, or Coaching. Because in relationship with other people, we bump up against ourselves and get great feedback about how we are and who we are.
• Join a Men’s Group–Read more on men’s groups here.

Krishnamurti says that if you and I want to solve the worlds problems, we need to recognize that “you and I are the problem, and not the world, because the world is the projection of ourselves. The world is not separate from us; we are the world , and our problems are the world’s problems….The creator of this mischief… is you and I, not the world as we think of it.” Eckhart Tolle seems to agree by saying, “The world can only change from within.”

So, take a look in the mirror and get to know that face and more importantly what, and who, is behind it.

As always, I welcome your comments

As an entrepreneur, I can work constantly from 7am to 9pm and everywhere in between.  I’m inspired and motivated about bringing consciousness to manhood. However, I have to admit that I’m a little neurotic at times in my work ethic. I can overwork and try to “achieve” too much.

Having a new son, I had this idea that I’d still be able to work a lot and get the things done I wanted to get done. Boy did I miss the mark. My wife went back to work this week and it all came into focus.  We share the parenting responsibilities so when she’s at work, I watch my boy and visa versa. I would catch myself as I tried to squeeze in work hours even while holding him. After my wife gave me some honest feedback that I was “less available” to her, it hit me.

Underneath my anxiety and neurotic work behavior was a lot of grief. I realized that the life I had prior to my son being born, is now over. The “me” that could do whatever, whenever is now gone. The more I try to ‘hang on’ to the “me” that I once new the more suffering I create for myself. The more I tried to ‘hang on’ to getting my work load accomplished, the more I was suffering.

This morning I had a beautiful connection with my son and with myself. Why? Because I let go of the need to work and get anything accomplished. I just let it all go. I found myself with my son in my lap on the rocking chair, gazing out the window, rocking together, and being grateful to be alive and have the opportunity to be there to watch him grow. Moreover, I’m now more connected to my wife.

As for work? Contrary to my own popular beliefs and neurotic work ethic, the work that truly needs to get done will get done and, when I work my commitment is to come from genuine love and inspiration as opposed to fear.

What to do?

So, I invite you to surrender your trips and find the thread that is happening right now in your life as opposed to what you want to happen. Surrender the need to get something accomplished and be with what is right now. Check in with yourself and see if you are in fear or anxiety, or stress. Notice what is driving your behavior. What is underneath your neurotic work ethic? Then take a few breaths, feel your feet, and find the inspiration. From there, act. Notice if you are more productive or less.

Then comment and share your expereience with us.

Allright guys,

As some of you know, I recently picked up boxing. What the? Why the? I’m not much of a fighter. Never have been. My first and last real fight was in the 6th grade with Corey Miller. My friends told me that it was a tie, which I think meant that I lost. Doah!

However, as a man I want to be able to protect my family. With what? My fists. But more importantly, and realistically, I took up boxing is to get fit.

For the past year or so I’ve been slacking in terms of my own fitness. I get injured a lot so I can come up with clever reasons for not staying with a regular  exercise program.

Those days are over for me. Taking care of my body and health is a top priority now. Boxing has been amazing for my level of fitness. I haven’t been this fit since high school when I was on a ski team and we did hours and hours of dryland training drills to prepare for the racing season.

My question to you is, why are you not pushing yourself in every area of your life? It doesn’t have to be fitness, but pick one area where you are holding back and do something about it.

I’d love to hear about your commitments and wins! In the meantime, check out this short video we made at the boxing gym.

Years ago I was a bit of an extreme athlete.  My body was pretty ripped and I pushed the limits, hard. I ran up and down mountains, climbed tall overhanging cliffs and mountain biked by moonlight. I made a ski movie and jumped off 60 foot cliffs often after my morning coffee.

On the outside I was a pretty in-shape dude. I got lots of praise for being so “fit.” But inside I was a bit of a mess. Every time I found myself in an intimate relationship I would bail out for a variety of superficial, lame reasons. Moreover, the harder I pushed myself, the less fulfilled I was. And the joy I felt never lasted.

What was missing? I was fit externally, but unfit internally. My “inner world” was foreign territory.

The future of men’s health is psychological health–”inner world” fitness.

Most men think being healthy means having a 6 pack or “eating right.” Most men also think that if a guy wins triathlons, he is a really healthy guy. But why is it that some triathletes are zombies emotionally. These guys could be just as pissed off or shut down as the guy who never exercises. I have worked with many uber athletes who are completely incompetent when it comes to relationship, just like I was.

This “common guy” approach to fitness is fine, but ultimately it’s pretty limited. If you want to be healthy and feel at peace overall, and you really want happiness and fulfillment, you MUST work out your inner psychology.

Men who’s inner world is foreign territory will always think that happiness and joy comes from the outside and will therefore always be looking for it in all the wrong places.  Dudes that are cut-off from their inner world are a bomb waiting to explode.

So, what are some signs of being psychologically out of shape? Here are four:

1. you are not that open to feedback from others

2. you are easily defensive or resentful

3. you are pretending to be happy

4. when someone asks you how you feel, your standard answer is “Fine”

5. you place all of your value on external wins and appearances

If you can relate to any of these, you’re out of shape psychologically.

So, what should you do?

• First, ask yourself if you have any interest in getting your inner world in shape. Is that of any interest to you?
• Next, ask yourself what is the impact of me being out of shape psychologically? For example, if you are indeed out of  shape internally, maybe that has an impact on your co-workers or partner. Moreover, it is likely that you surround yourself with people who support your psychological “out-of-shapeness.”

If you want to have a bigger impact and be a game-changing Man, consider working your most out-of-shape muscle of all–your inner being, otherwise known as your heart.

More tips to come in the following days…