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I came out to myself in 1991. That’s always the first step. But then what?

I stumbled around for 10 years trying to make sense of this crazy thing called life much less making sense of the sexuality.

For 10 years I went from therapist to therapist spending thousands of dollars and getting nowhere. Often I would feel better but nothing shifted. A friend told me that he had a therapist to bitch about his problems. I saw the same thing in support groups, bitch, moan, angst, pity.

Aaaaaaaarg.

I’m supposed to just sit there and listen to these guys bitch about how unworkable their life is when they just need to get off the damn couch and do something. The therapy route let me get in the same mode of bitching. We talked but rarely if ever did we fall into the trauma and get real with it. I was done bitching. There was no challenge, and for me no trust. It almost always felt like I was just something to get money from, until I stumbled on a podcast.

The New Man Podcast opened the door to a different way of looking at the world. It showed me a view where I stopped blaming and started claiming. It’s an active way of dealing with the shit that keeps me from living the fullest life.  I wrote in and asked for help and was introduced to Jayson Gaddis.

Since then, things have changed a lot. I could bitch about how I still haven’t been in a relationship, or I’m still at the same frustrating job, or any of the other things that haven’t changed in my life (and um I do) or I can stop and see how I’ve begun let go of the old victim mentality. How by claiming an active roll in my life I’m happy for the first time since I can remember.

Now I’ve come to a point where I desire to take a deeper dive into my spirit and psyche.

ENTER MLT

This going deeper thing is a matter of removing the next layer of story. To explore the next level of self.  I wanted to find something that was more challenging than anything I’ve ever done before. To dig so deep that I vomit (ewwww).

Enter the Men’s Leadership Training. A six month in depth, hands on training that teaches men how to integrate the crap by community and participation. So I will have to go deep too. I seriously doubt I’ll vomit (bummer) but I might really want to.

THE CHALLENGE

The MLT is a program directed at men’s issues and what affects us most in relationship and… wait let me change that.  The MLT is a program directed at straight men and men’s issues. One of the key selling points for me was getting to be involved with like minded men who aren’t afraid to be vulnerable. For six months we are in a container of open camaraderie with men on a spiritual path.

My fear is open scorn.

The real challenge for me, however, is the interpretation of the straight to gay experience.

My belief is that there is very little, such as when straight folk talk about fear of pregnancy, I have the fear of HIV. There are some definite differences though. One is the fear of intimacy that isn’t hidden— even holding hands or kissing your partner good bye is an invite for scorn. Also social interactions between straights is so very different than for gays.

Adjusting to the differences and opening to love is the goal. What straight folk get from me is someone who can help them gain perspective. What I get from them is support and understanding at how normal I really am.

To close, I’ll confess that I HATE being gay. I am, I’ve known since I was bitty.

I’ve taken this difference personally and now am finally getting to a place where I can confront this imagined attack at my personality. I get to step into a fuller place.

I’m excited and scared.

I chose this program partially because I am different than the other participants but also because I am the same. I am a man and I am one who wants to face all the frustration and fear I feel head on.  I know one thing that even with me, MLT is about being human. I will learn to love my humanity.

40 years old, single, and damn tired of it, Daniel is working on finding the spiritual path that leads to self-acceptance. He works and lives in boulder.

In September of 2010, 25-50 leaders from various men’s organizations around the world will descend upon Boulder Colorado for what will be the first ever collaborative effort to galvanize the current men’s movement and plan a HUGE Men’s Conference in 2011.

Our purpose statement is:

To bring together leaders of various men’s organizations to brainstorm the development of an Evolving Men’s Conference that galvanizes the men’s movement, promotes collaboration among different men’s organizations, and evolves the consciousness of men around the world.

If you are a men’s organization and would like to come, please send an email to: evolvingmensconference@gmail.com. We also have an invite only facebook group where you can see who’s coming.

I just finished leading the 2nd weekend of my six month Men’s Leadership Training. Holy shit was it outstanding!!!

I had my mentor David Cates come in and serve us all up around the theme of sexuality. I had about 12 men who assisted me in pulling this off, four were participants from last year’s training. Eight powerful women also came to help us work through some serious masculine feminine dynamics.

The weekend was the pinnacle of my career. It deepened the work I already do with men and opened new doors and possibilities for what is to come! I can hardly wait for next year and may have to do something this fall.

The men explored their edges, blasted through perceived obstacles, got closer as a tribe, and helped me drop my old masculine paradigm-leadership game.

There are two main lessons I learned about myself that I want to share. These are the benchmarks of the new masculine paradigm.

Lesson 1. Make Mistakes

Be willing to make mistakes. Fuck it up. Screw shit up and do it in front of others.

This one was major for me. David opened the door to making serious mistakes. He said something to the effect of “if you don’t learn to make mistakes now, you will never get anywhere.” He encouraged us to drop the masks, the games of pretending we have our shit together, the nonsense about being “on point,” perfect, or even accurate.

It was so releaving to hear this. I didn’t think I needed someone’s permission, but apparently I did. Just knowing it was okay to fuck it up and make mistakes in a safe environment, allowed all of us, staff and participants, to flourish and have even more fun.

And we made many mistakes. I personally lost my wallet for the entire weekend, lost it in front of everyone, left early one night, started late many times, and made many other mistakes, big and small.

How many places in life can we really let go, be ourselves, fuck up royally and still be accepted, welcomed, and loved, even more than we were before?

Lesson 2. Be Transparent and Congruent

The more I share myself, the more others trust me and the closer they feel to me.

As a therapist, I was trained to share very little about myself. Sharing too much of oneself in a therapist role can deter the healing and make for a strange relationship dynamic. While that makes sense in some therapeutic environments, it is less and less relevant to me.

Through Lesson 1, and help with three of my mentors, I decided to get really real and vulnerable in front of my staff and the participants throughout this past weekend. So real that, at one point, the participants held me while I sobbed. I owned up to many insecurities and fears as I looked around at 20 men in the room. I have no problem cyring in front of my family, my men’s circle, and other close friends. But this was edgy shit for me.

The leader-guy letting down his guard? Yup. I seriously thought I was digging my grave. The men were not only open to me opening up in the moment, but they kept saying, I feel closer to you and I trust you more now. WTF? That was a mind-fuck. While I know this to be true when my clients and friends share in this way with me, for some reason, I didn’t think it applied to me or something. Duh.

So, I took big risks and fucked many things up, many times. The result? I had the time of my life. It was the best facilitation experience I have ever had.

I had a profound shift in how I do work with men. As a way to bring in the new masculine paradigm, I will be leading with Lesson 1 and Lesson 2 from now on.

In order to help you experience more satisfaction, ease, light, and love in your life, I have to be willing to show you. That means, sharing my own shit while it’s happening, not after the fact. And, to be congruent—the same guy at home, at work, on my blog, and in the world.

And yes, I will be keeping some of my personal life private. I want to honor my wife and son’s privacy.

Here we go!

Next week will mark the half-way point of the Men’s Leadership Training. Twelve bold men taking serious action toward living more powerful, impactful lives. This is a guest post from one of the participants of the current MLT 2010. I met Jonathan last fall over the phone when I started coaching him. I asked the tribe of MLT if someone would like to write about their experience thus far.  As per usual, Jonathan jumped forward and here is what he has to say after 80 days in the six month training.

On a cold, clear Thursday night in January 2010, I walked into a room of men I had never met before.  By Sunday, I was calling these men my brothers.

That isn’t quite the beginning of my story.  Let me back up.

My name is Jonathan Wondrusch.  I’m a 22 year old man living in Kansas City.  I am a storyteller, a world-changer and participant in Jayson’s Men’s Leadership Training.

I joined MLT because I want to make a difference in the world.  I wanted to get real; I wanted to stop hiding from my issues.  I was tired of feeling alone. I was afraid of coasting, but even more afraid of completely opening my eyes to my potential.

I desperately wanted to be part of a group of men that make a difference in their own lives, the lives of their friends and family and even the world.

Has MLT made a difference in any of that?

Fuck yah.

When I started this training, I would never call myself a “man.”

I had no idea what it meant.  I was turned off to the depth of love I could give and receive. I would beat myself up if I wasn’t able to “stay happy.” I felt isolated.

What is different now?

I am a much more conscious man.

I openly express sadness, anger, fear, rage, self-doubt and am completely vulnerable within a group of powerful men.  I am in a tribe of men who are not afraid to be authentic and deal with the real issues in our lives: purpose, love, money, integrity, sex, fear – all the things that were hard to talk about with another man in the past.

I faceplant way more often than I’d like.  I constantly let myself be distracted from sharing my light.

The difference is how I handle falling down: I am able to stand up and keep going, without judging myself.  I beat myself up less for not being perfect.  I am able to love myself for who I am, instead of hating myself for what I can’t do.

MLT has opened me up to a flood of awareness.  I’ve learned tools for communication and setting boundaries.  I have learned about my nature through journaling, the Enneagram and even some astrology.

This hasn’t been a joyride.  Participating in MLT is one of the hardest things I have ever done.  Not every moment of MLT is challenging – most are real, authentic and empowering.  It is one of the hardest things I have ever done because there is no hiding from myself.  Every dark and painful experience that I feel shame or fear around, I am choosing to face.

Keeping my eyes open puts me in touch with my power.  It makes me aware of the light that shines forth and illuminates the world around me.  When I confront my darkness, I am more able to live with love and passion.

I have come to know my truth better.  I recognize it.  In moments of shame and darkness, I can look inward and see what feels true.  When I do, I can move shame into self-loving.  From my truth, I can feel my power and integrity in the actions I take.

MLT is about learning to be who you are.  It is about giving and receiving love.  It is breathing in through your balls and feeling a deep connection with the world around you.  It is about opening your heart.  It is about living with truth and courage and integrity.  It is about not being afraid to be vulnerable in the presence of other men.  It is about not hiding yourself any more.

Finding my Tribe

The best part of MLT is the tribe.  These men are real, authentic and powerful.  Finding someone real is difficult in our society; I am real and I am with men who are also real.

This tribe is a place to belong – a group of men committed to their authenticity, courageously facing our edges, supporting each other, while giving honest (as in no bullshit) feedback on how every one of us is showing up.  Being a part of this group means so much to me.  If I had not joined, I would have been committing to the same bullshit that kept me inauthentic, limited and playing on the sidelines of my life.

The first weekend intensive was one of the most profound experiences of my life.  As I write and recall these memories, I am filled to the brim by the emotions of it.

I answered some of the most important questions I have ever asked of myself: Can I give everything for those I love?  Can I give my all when my body tells me there is nothing more to give?  Can I stand in the face of my greatest fear with an open heart?  Knowing the answers to these questions gives me inner strength that I had only imagined before.

Do you know what it looks like when a man gives his all?  When he holds nothing back?  I saw 15 men do it.  I did it.  I saw 15 men give their all until there was nothing left, and then when they thought they were done, they were asked for more.  Do you know how many men crapped out and decided there was nothing left?  Zero.  Not one man decided that they wouldn’t keep giving their all.  That is the caliber of men that I am on this journey with, and the quality of man that I am.

I am avoiding the specifics of the weekend on purpose.  I hope that at least one man out there will read this and be inspired enough to take the risk and participate in MLT.  I do not want take away from those men’s experience; I do not want to take the risk of his life not being changed because he knew what he was getting into.

What’s next for me?

Honestly, I have no concrete idea.  Every week has different gifts and lessons to learn.  It is not a classroom; it is my life.  I am learning how to live my life on my terms.  I am becoming the man I consciously choose to become.

I’m still working on not being limited by my fears – of not being worthy of love and of not being enough to achieve my dreams.  I am learning to grow through these fears and to embrace my life with an open heart.  I am learning to give and receive love more fully.  I am going to be pushing my boundaries as a man around love, connection, acceptance, awareness, sex, money, potential and what my concept of manhood is.

MLT is inspiring me and teaching me to live up to that in every area of my life.  MLT is about living in integrity with my truth, and it is giving everything in service of love to that truth.

When I started this journey, I couldn’t have looked you in the eye and told you that I was a man.  Much has happened since then, and much more will happen in the future.

Whatever happens, this is me looking you in the eye.

I am a man.

Jonathan Wondrusch is not only a participant in MLT, he writes his own blog http://www.grokkery.com/, is a young visionary, he helped produce this video, and he continues to step into the badass that he is.

I personally had an amazing time. I laughed, I cried, I raged, danced, screamed, connected, listened, facilitated, and led. Together, we rocked it and fearlessly explored unknown territory.

Thirteen brave, badass participants and 11 staff (and guest staff!) all helped to create this very, very powerful experience. We went inward this first weekend. We dug deep into the first pillar of revolutionary manhood—self-knowledge.

For six months this circle of men will challenge each other, help each other gain clarity, give no bullshit feedback, hold one another accountable, and support one another.

These men now have each other’s back. Do you have a group of men like this in your life? If not, what are you going to do about it?

Notice as you watch these testimonials what happens for you.

Check ‘em out.

Ask yourself what are you doing to expand in 2010? What kind of accountability and support do you have?

To sign up, click here. Hurry, you save $500 if you get your application in by November 1st at midnight.

The purpose of this training is 6 fold:

1. Initiation: That’s right. First and foremost this is an initiation into becoming the man you are capable of being through powerful personal development and psychology tools.
2. Develop Yourself: Help you commit more fully and more fearlessly to your own personal path/journey and take an honest look at what’s in the way.
3. Leadership: As the world around you gets more uncertain, this training is designed to give you tools to adapt, overcome and improvise. It will teach you how to respond (not react) to life’s challenges and help others do the same. You will be the man that takes people to higher ground in difficult times.
4. Community & Relationships: Provide a tribe (a community of men) where you can get feedback, challenge, support and accountability. We are much more powerful together than we are alone.
5. Service: Remind you of your innate ability to help others and give you practical tools to do so.
6. Celebrate, party and have a great time.

Click here for more details and to sign up!