Next week will mark the half-way point of the Men’s Leadership Training. Twelve bold men taking serious action toward living more powerful, impactful lives. This is a guest post from one of the participants of the current MLT 2010. I met Jonathan last fall over the phone when I started coaching him. I asked the tribe of MLT if someone would like to write about their experience thus far.  As per usual, Jonathan jumped forward and here is what he has to say after 80 days in the six month training.

On a cold, clear Thursday night in January 2010, I walked into a room of men I had never met before.  By Sunday, I was calling these men my brothers.

That isn’t quite the beginning of my story.  Let me back up.

My name is Jonathan Wondrusch.  I’m a 22 year old man living in Kansas City.  I am a storyteller, a world-changer and participant in Jayson’s Men’s Leadership Training.

I joined MLT because I want to make a difference in the world.  I wanted to get real; I wanted to stop hiding from my issues.  I was tired of feeling alone. I was afraid of coasting, but even more afraid of completely opening my eyes to my potential.

I desperately wanted to be part of a group of men that make a difference in their own lives, the lives of their friends and family and even the world.

Has MLT made a difference in any of that?

Fuck yah.

When I started this training, I would never call myself a “man.”

I had no idea what it meant.  I was turned off to the depth of love I could give and receive. I would beat myself up if I wasn’t able to “stay happy.” I felt isolated.

What is different now?

I am a much more conscious man.

I openly express sadness, anger, fear, rage, self-doubt and am completely vulnerable within a group of powerful men.  I am in a tribe of men who are not afraid to be authentic and deal with the real issues in our lives: purpose, love, money, integrity, sex, fear – all the things that were hard to talk about with another man in the past.

I faceplant way more often than I’d like.  I constantly let myself be distracted from sharing my light.

The difference is how I handle falling down: I am able to stand up and keep going, without judging myself.  I beat myself up less for not being perfect.  I am able to love myself for who I am, instead of hating myself for what I can’t do.

MLT has opened me up to a flood of awareness.  I’ve learned tools for communication and setting boundaries.  I have learned about my nature through journaling, the Enneagram and even some astrology.

This hasn’t been a joyride.  Participating in MLT is one of the hardest things I have ever done.  Not every moment of MLT is challenging – most are real, authentic and empowering.  It is one of the hardest things I have ever done because there is no hiding from myself.  Every dark and painful experience that I feel shame or fear around, I am choosing to face.

Keeping my eyes open puts me in touch with my power.  It makes me aware of the light that shines forth and illuminates the world around me.  When I confront my darkness, I am more able to live with love and passion.

I have come to know my truth better.  I recognize it.  In moments of shame and darkness, I can look inward and see what feels true.  When I do, I can move shame into self-loving.  From my truth, I can feel my power and integrity in the actions I take.

MLT is about learning to be who you are.  It is about giving and receiving love.  It is breathing in through your balls and feeling a deep connection with the world around you.  It is about opening your heart.  It is about living with truth and courage and integrity.  It is about not being afraid to be vulnerable in the presence of other men.  It is about not hiding yourself any more.

Finding my Tribe

The best part of MLT is the tribe.  These men are real, authentic and powerful.  Finding someone real is difficult in our society; I am real and I am with men who are also real.

This tribe is a place to belong – a group of men committed to their authenticity, courageously facing our edges, supporting each other, while giving honest (as in no bullshit) feedback on how every one of us is showing up.  Being a part of this group means so much to me.  If I had not joined, I would have been committing to the same bullshit that kept me inauthentic, limited and playing on the sidelines of my life.

The first weekend intensive was one of the most profound experiences of my life.  As I write and recall these memories, I am filled to the brim by the emotions of it.

I answered some of the most important questions I have ever asked of myself: Can I give everything for those I love?  Can I give my all when my body tells me there is nothing more to give?  Can I stand in the face of my greatest fear with an open heart?  Knowing the answers to these questions gives me inner strength that I had only imagined before.

Do you know what it looks like when a man gives his all?  When he holds nothing back?  I saw 15 men do it.  I did it.  I saw 15 men give their all until there was nothing left, and then when they thought they were done, they were asked for more.  Do you know how many men crapped out and decided there was nothing left?  Zero.  Not one man decided that they wouldn’t keep giving their all.  That is the caliber of men that I am on this journey with, and the quality of man that I am.

I am avoiding the specifics of the weekend on purpose.  I hope that at least one man out there will read this and be inspired enough to take the risk and participate in MLT.  I do not want take away from those men’s experience; I do not want to take the risk of his life not being changed because he knew what he was getting into.

What’s next for me?

Honestly, I have no concrete idea.  Every week has different gifts and lessons to learn.  It is not a classroom; it is my life.  I am learning how to live my life on my terms.  I am becoming the man I consciously choose to become.

I’m still working on not being limited by my fears – of not being worthy of love and of not being enough to achieve my dreams.  I am learning to grow through these fears and to embrace my life with an open heart.  I am learning to give and receive love more fully.  I am going to be pushing my boundaries as a man around love, connection, acceptance, awareness, sex, money, potential and what my concept of manhood is.

MLT is inspiring me and teaching me to live up to that in every area of my life.  MLT is about living in integrity with my truth, and it is giving everything in service of love to that truth.

When I started this journey, I couldn’t have looked you in the eye and told you that I was a man.  Much has happened since then, and much more will happen in the future.

Whatever happens, this is me looking you in the eye.

I am a man.

Jonathan Wondrusch is not only a participant in MLT, he writes his own blog http://www.grokkery.com/, is a young visionary, he helped produce this video, and he continues to step into the badass that he is.

Thanks Jonathan Wondrush for the video skills.

And below is the unedited feedback. Let’s keep this list growing. Please add your feedback for men in the comment section below. This might be a great resource for a man who stumbles across the information below. Who knows, it might be just what he needs to hear.
Show up FULLY..in all areas of your life.
–Shehreyar, 29, Washington,DC

Less talk…. Less self obsession… More action…. More celebration!
–LF Solis, Colorado

When you are acting in a spirit of appreciation and service, pay no attention to the reactions of others  - keep focusing on your purpose.
–Eric Geurkink

Take the time each day to practice gratitude, to exercise, to breath deeply, to meditate. Ask for support, and be open.
–Margaret

Each day, make a conscious choice to live your life. Step into your light, and out of the darkness. The world needs you.
–Clinton Jasperson, 25. Cheyenne, WY

Don’t let your fear of failure keep you operating at a fraction of your potential. Celebrate what failure teaches you and go for it!
–Mark Bloomfield, Colorado

Be strong enough to be gentle.
–Kevin A. Beck

Be Man Enough NOT to Get LAID
–Liana Gailand

Breath deep…..down in to your balls….regularly.
–Joshua Gribschaw-Beck 30, Scottsdale, AZ

Read these 3 articles by Andrea Dworkin: “On Prostitution and Male Supremacy,” “I Want a 24 Hour Truce During Which There Is No Rape,” “Pornography Happens to Women.”
–Molly Boeder, Chicago

Work on transforming and evolving the views of men around the world who walk with supremacy and treat women with the many horrifying ramifications of patriarchy.
–Johannah Reimer

imagine an experience in which men are not the center of creation (social, ritual, intelligence, consciousness, etc.) and live it for one full day of engagement with every one you meet.

–Suu, 47, Crestone, CO

We need you to be leaders, starting within.
–Aaron Williams

Realize you have a choice in everything you do, and find a way to trust yourself.
–Diego

My constructive feedback for MEN is to stop dwelling on the mud that is up to your chest and look up to the people surrounding you and ask for a hand.
–Will Mellon

When you catch yourself judging someone, ask yourself, “Does this reflect upon something about me that I’m afraid of facing?”
–Dan S
One sentence? Ha! The feminine does not speak in one sentences. We tell stories. The masculine is far more equipped to be linear, focused and succinct. To ask the feminine to respond in one sentence limits her full expression. If you are still reading even though I have gone beyond the boundary of the one sentence request, then i would offer this to men: learn the currency of the feminine. The greatest gift you can give to her is connection and protection. There are a cagililon ways to show this – ask the women in your life what this looks like for her. There is no one-rule to follow. That is part of the feminine mystique. We are unique and desire to be treated as precious, felt that we are the only woman in the room and dead sexy to you despite offering our bodies no longer looking like quite as tight or perky as when we were twenty. Make a woman feel adored and safe and she will in turn with worship, appeciate and trust you.
–Beth

My constructive feedback for MEN is;
1) Surround yourself with people that will support you
2) Never Stop learning/Growing
3) Choose to be honest
4) Have fun, manhood is a journey not a destination (as I’m learning
–Spida Hunter, New Zealand
Regain a sense of balance and let go of social conditioning. Make this a priority. Just as Yang balances Yin and the Sun balances the Moon (symbolically) we must balance our masculine nature with the feminine. Stop trying so hard to be something you’re not and realize freedom and creativity require that we break out of the hypnosis of social conditioning. We will offer the the planet much more and our fellow human ,much more if we let go and balance ourselves.

–Dan – 41, Dallas, TX
Trust your gut, stop denying your emotion, pain, and passion, take bold action without approval and define your place in the world as protector, caregiver, daredevil.
–Matt Leiphart, Arvada, Co

Start trying to see the difference between what you think and what you feel. Can you find one?
–Utopicus
Get over your teenage years ASAP and move on to being a sensitive, compassionate, hard working adult who cares about other people.
–Patrick
Remember who you were before the world did its work of tearing you down–be that man.
–Lisa

Answer “Thank you for telling me what’s going on for you” EVERY time a woman shares a feeling of hers with you… ESPECIALLY if you don’t like it.
–Erin Brandt, CA

Own your crap but don’t let it own you. Face your own brokenness with honest courage and work toward being a person of integrity and honor for the sakes of everyone around you.
–Michelle

.let go of what you think manliness is and how you feel you should act and reach true self-confidence by focusing on relationships with the ones you love whether it be a significant other, family or friends.
–Carlos, 24, Provo, UT
My constructive feedback for MEN: Grow a beard
–Derek

Stop letting the fear of disappointment and the perceived notion that others will see you as a failure for trying and not achieving and start DOING.
–Jeff Taylor, Ut
Learn to understand and fulfill your physical, mental, and emotional needs so you can serve the people and commitments in your life.

–Ben, 27, Boston MA

We all need to embrace our societal addiction to pornography and end it.It is destructive in so many ways and sadly pervasive.  An acquaintance of mine posted on Facebook the other day about his long bicycle trip. He LOVES crusty European breads. His stop in San Fran had a pic posted that said “Bread Porn” and there was a pic of a loaf of crusty bread, made me sad! Pornography is no joke!

–Yazzymon

Don’t be so damn afraid of owning your power and to use it in accordance with your deepest inspiration.
–Joona

Treat the women in your lives like partners, not slaves or children.
–Pam Belding

Cultivate mindful awareness of your own suffering and have compassion.
–Gabriel Jessee

Stop settling. Find your purpose, your passion, what you deem best, and go for it, all the way.

–

Ron, 50, Lubbock, TX

Be an equal partner with your woman, loving and respectful — men are not supposed to be dominant and superior over women.
–Jacqueline

Stop settling for less than you really deserve because we are so worth it and we deserve to be happy.
–Randle Fox

Please, develop the character and skills to be direct and clear about who you are – out of respect for all involved.
–Susan Hodges

If a man can’t love other men, he can’t love the man in himself.
–David Cates

Read Mauareen Dowd’s excellent book “Are Men Really Necessary?” She covers both sides scientifically and fairly. The disappearance of the Y chromosome will leave us all with non gender identifiable bodies in the upcoming future. The human body continues to evolve, so don’t destroy your life by identifying with it; Identify with yourself and live YOUR LIFE. I am just breaking free of the yoke of my perceived “role”, which I was ‘successful’ at: it’s a joke, don’t fall for it.
–Roger, 64, Ashland Oregon

Accept responsibility for your actions. Your way does NOT mean it’s right. You don’t ALWAYS have to win.
–Pam

My constructive feedback for MEN is… “Real men get real!” Real men drop the facade and stop pretending to be who they are not… they connect with other men who are willing to get real… they deal with their past… and they do all that they need to, to discover and realize their destinies, which should always result in helping others succeed.
–Darren
My constructive feedback for MEN is to contemplate and re-discover the meaning of Fatherhood, to question themselves as to what is lacking in their relationships with their wives, children, and companions, and to launch out in a daring, personal enterprise of self-giving and commitment as true and manly Fathers.
–Firebrand9

Ask more; assume less.The feminine in women and in yourself requires the quest. Check in, with your own soul and emotional nature before you move; check in with me and my soul and emotional nature before making a move. Don’t decide for me, then resent me because you have failed to please me. Find your courage and learn to cultivate it so you may quest successfully along with me, because dominating, controlling and possessing me will never satisfy you. And you, pointing to me as your source of dissatisfaction is not an act of courage or power or control.
–Gina Vance

Follow two things; your heart and the directions.
–Daniel V, Denver, Co

Lean on Men, not Women
–Justice Marshall, British Columbia

Love. Practice love toward yourself first. Then learn to deeply give and receive love. It’s all there is.
–Jayson Gaddis, Boulder Co

Let those whom you love be free. Trust them and accept them for who they are. If they break your heart, accept the pain.
–Brent, 33, Portland OR

My advice for Men is: admit your fear – it’s what’s behind embarrassment, loneliness, bitching about your woman (or lack thereof), and your rage.
We all have it somewhere/somehow – and we are not brought up to admit it.
It takes courage to say I’m scared shitless, I need help, and I’m going to lean into this even though I’m terrified of failing. No-one got to be successful by running away.
The first step is the hardest, but every one after is a little easier.
It’s working for me, it can certainly work for you.
–Bill Lennan

“My constructive feedback for MEN is to remember that one of the gifts of your being a man is your ability to bring your masculine power into partnership with your connection to your heart (remember that?) to co-create a world that doesn’t thrive on separation – from our own essence or with the opposite sex.
–Geoff Laughton, Lafayette, Co

Words lie, heart doesn’t. Do what is yours to do as you understand it, irregardless of whether anyone cheers or not
–Domo

My constructive feedback for MEN is…
to rigorously discern whether they’re integrating their emotional/spiritual work from the inside-out such that they implode who they’ve known themselves to be, or they’re simply applying outwardly, via their actions and speech, all the self-actualization/new-age strategies, techniques, and vocabulary in ways that “look and sound good” but eventually betray the gap in full-out integrity: “awake” men who don’t wake up to this are sometimes scarier for me than men who haven’t consciously worked on themselves, because the “conscious” man is now better equipped to deny and defend that gap, which is where unconscious manipluation, domination, and other survival strategies still show up.
–Marj Hahne

Realize you have a choice in everything you do, and find a way to trust yourself.
–Diego

Stop dwelling on the mud that is up to your chest and look up to the people surrounding you and ask for a hand.
–Will Creates

The first thing that comes to mind is to keep the preditorary energy in check when interracting with women. And teach other men that predation (exploitation) of women is unacceptable in our society.
–A caring woman

Stop posturing and realize that owning and expressing (without collapsing) ALL emotions is part of being a man!
–Sandy Scotland 19, Toronto

Take responsibility for your own life – step out of what others expect of you and step into what YOU want from life.
–Jo Della Penna

Look at all the thoughts/beliefs that come up in your mind when you think of not needing support – and when you truly FEEL into them, how much fear is hiding under those beliefs? Reach out!
–Michael Vladeck, 36, Boulder, CO

You are good. You don’t have to stay angry at your father your whole life. Don’t forget the dreams you had for your life when you were a little boy.
–Josh Levin, Boulder Co

Start being painfully, brutally honest with yourself and others, stop hiding your secrets. Find others who can hear you and challenge you in your growth.
–Marcus Ambrester, Tennessee

Recognize your teachers when they show up!
–Rick Snyder, Berkley CA

Show vulnerability, it gives permission to those around us to do the same, men or women.
–Tad Hardgrave, Edmonton, Alberta

Stop living your life as a perception of others and focus on how you want to be seen as yourself.
–Travis Willis

Its the little things that keep love alive, like flowers on a bad day, a surprise dinner when she’s had a hard week. This is courtship and you should never stop courting.
–Callie Cox

this is pretty hard to comment on, i feel like its a bit open ended… i could comment on my opinion about contributing causes or my opinion about the most personally poignant manifest. Might be helpful if you could be a little more specific about what the statement should address…
–Monica Mungary

My constructive feedback for MEN is, be honest with yourself, and with the people around you. Tell us what you want, what you really want, not what you think you SHOULD want because you are a man and you are trying to be something your not, we cant always guess what that is. We will all be happier for it. Thank you

–Laura Kelly, 31, Hong Kong

Constructive feedback for men- Have a daily goal- and get it done before 11 A.M. You would be surprised what this will do for your confidence level, and how much you will change your world. I feel like as men we set too many long-term goals, and we get bogged down in daily activities. Having a daily goal and finishing it before 11 or noon even will… See More invigorate your day and resonate with everyone around you, and you will feel better about yourself, feel more productive, and others will notice.

–Jake Carpenter, 23, Lexington KY

Left a comment on your website: “My constructive feedback for MEN is a simple question: How well has that (whatever you’ve been trying in the past, making excuses, blaming others, blaming yourself, etc.) worked out for you so far?” This simple question has helped me jar some stuck friends out of a rut, at least for a moment, to help them realize that there are things they could change, right now, to better themselves; if they just let go of what has failed in the past.
–Matt Zimney, Fargo, ND 25yo

Answer “Thank you for telling me what’s going on for you” EVERY time a woman shares a feeling of hers with you… ESPECIALLY if you don’t like it. It makes a woman feel SAFE. So she can tell you everything. Having no barriers (of withheld communications) keeps our emotions and bodies more alive, more responsive (and more ready for sex!)
–Erin Brandt

Its the little things that keep love alive, like flowers on a bad day, a surprise dinner when she’s had a hard week this is courtship and you should never stop courting.
–Callie Cox

Be responsible and accountable for every action you take. You are not a victim, you are a Man, start acting like one. For me, in this moment, this means really paying attention to my finances and start working on my taxes.
–Tom Taber, 41 – Fort Collins, CO

More men need to hold to the commitments they make and move forward with them, rather than just letting idle distractions and pleasures sidetrack them. And more men need to powerfully know what they want and what they’re inspired to create in this world, and really go for it.
–Craig Peters, 25, Vancouver BC

To remember that you are not alone, and to be in need of support is not weakness or ‘gay,’ but rather a sign of strength, for when we are able to realize where we are limited and ask for support in those areas, we able to truly grow to new levels of awareness of ourselves, of each other and the world.
–Ian Shaw 24 boulder co

Our discontent with life is a direct result of hiding ourselves away from fears in our man cave. Life is happening right here and right now! Come out and take a step along with me into all we fear!
–Jim Bray

my constructive feedback for men is to take a long hard look at history and see the effects of the actions of the men who came before you. if the men who came before you raped and pillaged and looted, then handed down to you the spoils of that theft, do not accept it as “the way things have always been.” I think that we as men have essentially terrorized the globe, and now that many are fearing a reckoning day, we are trying to pass the buck. We as men, as a collective and as individuals, need to look at the the events that brought us to this point before we go any further. i am not saying that we should blame ourselves or blame another man, but that we should take an honest assessment of our society and our selves, and take full responsibility for our own mess. (this is both literal and metaphorical)- there is a tendency among men to throw our trash into a landfill- out of sight and out of mind, but i believe we need to start seeing that it does not just go away. the sneakers that we toss into a waste bin are not just rubber and cloth and leather. they are railroads and strip mines and child labor and toxic glue and aromatic polyamides. before that they were colonization and imperialism and slavery. this doesn’t necessarily make the shoes bad, or you a bad person for wearing them, but i think this realization should be a part of every decision made from this point forward.
–alex szyleyko, 28, pueblo co

My feedback for men is to get in touch with what you truly, deeply desire and find a path through the wilderness until you achieve it or die trying. What the world tries to offer you is never going to serve you or fulfill you – it must be found in the wilderness (both literal and archetypal). Seek mentors and bros – even if that means leaving the known, comfortable circles of co-conspirators that keep you from stepping up in life. No matter how much you love them, there comes a point where you have to acknowledge that the ones you came up with are not going to walk with you to the place your Mission leads you, but new men will come into your life who will walk beside you, guide you, even carry you… and perhaps eventually you will move beyond them too. Just be open to that possibility – your heart will know. Be willing to deconstruct yourself (vs. self-destruct) and rebuild from your core whenever you’ve accumulated too much crap that is no longer serving you and only hiding your light and your purpose – from you and from the world. Hold the deepest desire of your heart as your compass, seek out worthy mentors, and be willing to reinvent yourself when your map no longer matches the territory you find yourself standing in.
–Craig Filek, NY

My constructive feedback for MEN is to stop living your life as a perception of others and focus on how you want to be seen as yourself.
–Travis Wills

Stop pretending you know what you’re doing. It’s okay that you don’t. How could you?
–Jennifer Grove

My constructive feedback for MEN is….
Breathe..breathe deep..practise dropping out of your head (thinkingness) and get into your body (feelingness)…feel your feet on the ground connected, feel where your tight in the body and breathe through it until it loosens..then FEEL into your world and its women as they ARE and watch the magic
–Ian

My constructive feedback for MEN is….Open the door to vulnerability and feel love flow in
–Michelle

For Men: Do you just not SEE me? ;if you did you would know me. If you knew me, you would love me. Be honest and know what you want; please don’t play games.
–Salsayvonne

This is part one of a three-step project I’m cranking out. Don’t worry, this is not meant to just focus on the negative with men. Quite the contrary. However, we need a real-time assessment from everyday people like you. I want a baseline and some collective input from as many men and women as possible.

I only need one statement from you.

I realize I’m asking you to generalize, and it will be most helpful if you think of yourself (if you are a man) or the men in your lives. We men might actually benefit from it.

If you are down to help out, keep reading.

Let’s look at the current sociological landscape of masculinity by quickly reviewing what some experts say.

If you watched the Superbowl this year, you saw the barrage of lame-ass ads directed toward men. Here is a great commentary on them by Mark Morford of SFGate called Ode to the Whipped White Male.

The trend seems to be building about the utter confusion men find themselves in today. Although men are still largely in power, women are outpacing men in the workforce for the first time ever. Women’s empowerment programs are all over the world and are having a significant impact.

What about boys and men?

According to Raising Cain, a PBS documentary, “America’s boys are in trouble. They are the most violent in the industrialized world. Many are unable to express their emotions. On average, boys are doing worse in the classroom than they were 10 years ago.”

Once they become “adults” young men stay adrift longer, putting off growing up as long as humanly possible. This group becomes trapped in Guyland. As of early 2010, one in five men were unemployed. Most conventional mainstream guys are confused, lost, depressed, or putting on a show and pretending to be happy. I have written about this a bit in a previous post “Why men are boys and what can be done about it.”

So then, what about men’s empowerment programs? Can’t they help? Well, uh…..um……yeah…..

While there are many high quality men’s programs out there including mine, it is still commonplace for men to subscribe to the old-school “go-it-alone” mentality. Not only that, but the conventional mainstream man pokes fun of men’s work and men’s empowerment programs calling them “gay,” “stupid,” “weak,” or “new agey,” which, in the end, reveals more about that man’s fears than about the programs themselves.

Even in a recent Daily Show parody, BetterMen.org was made fun of for men sitting around in a circle acting like “vagina-men.”

So, if a man “stays the course” he is screwed, and if he chooses to “man up” and do some work on himself, he is made fun of.

Alas, many men have found themselves in a collapsed stupor, driving their dodge charger as fast as possible to their man-cave, as Morford suggests, to play video games, watch sports, drink beer, and resent their wives and girlfriends. All the while they “pretend” everything is fine.

As a guy who has worn the conventional guy-land hat for years, I know the territory well. I walked in his shoes far past a mile, both sober and drunk, way too many times. I know the pain and I know the mask that covers it up.

Now, forget what others are saying, I want to hear from you!

Here’s how it works:

What is your personal experience of men? Think of the men in your life and look around. Your boss, your father? Your son? Co-workers, boyfriends, husbands, Ex-husbands? What pains you the most about yourself as a man, other men, or a man in your life?

What blind spots do you see men having? Where does society stand to benefit the most if these changes could be realized?

What matters here, is what you think of men. Forget the stats, what is your take? Where are us guys at right now? What is our problem? Please only focus on where we can improve.

What’s “right” about men is coming. Remember, this is part one of a big project I’m working on. I can hardly wait to share it! Stay tuned…

My goal is to get 100 responses from anyone and everyone about what you see as the big issues  men have today. I want brutal honesty!

I will create a video with the most common, most powerful responses and give you credit. This will then serve as our jumping off point to go further toward change, wholeness, and visioning a brighter future.

What I need from YOU!

Send me one statement with your feedback for men everywhere.

Women: Pretend you have every man’s full attention. You could say anything and they would completely listen and then make that change. If you could give us feedback in one statement about where we could grow, what is it? Make it personal. Think of the men you know in your life that need some honest feedback. Consider it an offering to them.

Men: Think of what you personally struggle with the most in your life and chances are you are far from alone. There are other men like you. Look at your circles. Think of your Dad, your brothers, your friends and colleagues?  Take a moment to acknowledge you are not perfect and even you could use a pep talk. Make it personal. Your feedback is service to your fellow man.

Other: If you don’t identify as man or woman, what do you think we need from your unique perspective?

Pick the absolute most important issue to you and write it here in one sentence by finishing this sentence…

My constructive feedback for MEN is….

Then leave your name (first and/or last), age, and home city.

You are welcome to submit a photo (of yourself or of men) for the video. The more personal it is, the more of an impact we can have.

Remember, keep it to one sentence only please!

Just reply to this post below, leave a comment below, or email me your feedbac: info@revolutionaryman.com

Some might say “the unknown,” “being broke,” “not being loved,” or “not being in control.” While these top the list, there are a few fears much deeper, mostly unconscious, and more secret that most dudes just won’t admit they have or have had.

The three big fears that stem from outdated male conditioning are:

1. Being perceived as gay
2. Being perceived as too feminine
3. A fear that your cock is not big enough, and therefore you are not adequate

If this is true that men fear these, then it is also true that these are the three areas to exploit and shame another man.

Men who are insecure in one or more of these areas will be highly susceptible to ridicule in these areas. However, he will do his best to hide it.  The mask he will wear will be thick and seemingly impenetrable. Be honest. Ask yourself from boyhood until now if you have feared these. I have feared all of these at some point in my life.

Let’s take a quick look at all three.

1. Being perceived as gay

Since so many men are simply out of touch with who they really are, and are fundamentally insecure, being called “gay” can be very threatening. For these men, gay = bad, wrong, weak, womanly, sensitive, and less than.

Think about it. In conventional male culture (particularly for teens and young men), the biggest put down you can give another man is to call him a fag. Men joke in this way all the time. But underneath the joke is a hidden truth. That to the men giving the put down, they are deeply afraid that they will be seen as homosexual or gay and they know the other man might have questions too.

Prior to having any self-awareness whatsoever, I shamefully admit that in college I participated in gay bashing by calling my male friends who I perceived had more feminine character traits. At the same time, I did my best to hide any aspect of myself that I felt was weak or revealed how incredibly sensitive I was.  I also questioned my sexuality in adolescence and had no one to talk to about it. So, like a guy’s guy, I puffed up, I hid it, and instead made fun of others.

Rapper Eminem was asked by MTV’s Kurt Loder in 2001 why he used “faggot” in all his songs to put down other men. Eminem responded:

The lowest degrading thing you can say to a man when you’re battling him is to call him a faggot and try to take away his manhood. Call him a sissy, call him a punk. “Faggot” to me doesn’t necessarily mean gay people. “faggot” to me just means taking away your manhood.

Sadly Eminem’s view is very common. And, even if it wasn’t meant as a putdown to gays, it is. Talk to most gay folks. Using “gay” or “fag” as a putdown perpetuates aggression, disrespect, and even violence toward gays.

Anti-gay behavior is so ingrained in our culture and starts from day one. If a little baby boy so much as gets a toy that looks like a “girl toy” he might be teased by a nearby watchful adult as gay or girly. So begins the cycle of the boycode.

William Pollack PHD, coined the phrase “boycode” to suggest that boys are put in what he calls a gender straight-jacket as early as infancy. Boys must only act like boys and if they cry, whine, don’t play sports, or wear girl-colored clothing, they are not being a boy. Sadly, this behavior is conditioned largely by fearful, insecure, adult men who do not want to be seen having a boy who is “not acting like a boy.”

Boys are conditioned to be boys and boys in most modern cultures have a “do’s and don’ts list” of behaviors. Since boys have no formal initiation in this culture, “adult boys” model boyhood and manhood, which becomes an incredibly narrow version of masculinity, and sadly one we are dealing with right now.

Michael Kimmel in his book Guyland pinpoints the “guycode”  which grows out of the boycode. The guycode is essentially the same as the boycode, but for adult men. It’s just another box we men buy into.

Read their books as this is not meant to serve as a research project. Rather it is to pinpoint the sad but obvious truth about the mainstream man in this culture.

Gay men are just as much men as straight men. Practice acceptance.

2. Being perceived as too feminine

I remember playing golf as a boy. If I putt the ball short of the hole, the older men used to say, “hit it Alice” to imply I was putting like a woman because I didn’t hit the ball hard enough. I also remember in college challenging other men to drink more by calling them “skirts” if they were not keeping up (as if 10 or 12 beers was not enough).

In men’s sports, coaches often uses terms such as “ladies” to describe men who are not stepping up, who are quitting, or who are acting weak. Even in the blockbuster Avatar, the “bad guys” called each other ladies to motivate each other.

Think of the cost here with our teenage boys. When boys and adolescent boys are trained day in and day out to put each other down with “girl,” “pussy,” “vagina,” “cunt,” etc, over time the association becomes entrenched. It can start out pretty innoscent, but pretty soon, this bleeds over to how boys treat girls. They begin to disrespect girls in an ongoing way and use “girl behavior” as the big put down to each other. They attempt to push away the feminine because they are doing their best to hide the feminine aspects of themselves.

Boys will hide any vulnerable or seemingly feminine aspects of themselves or face the ridicule of their peers and thus not belong or feel accepted by their peer group.

Tragically, boys will bury anything about themselves that resembles a girl.

3. A fear that your cock is not adequate

The other big diss boys and guys dish out to each other is to insult another man’s penis.  Find a way to call attention to another man’s inadequacy by attacking his privates. No wonder boys and men are so uncomfortable talking about their cocks, their sexual fears, or inadequacies. No wonder shame begets shame.

Countless men (and women) have fears of being inept, impotent, inadequate, worthless, not good enough, and not man enough. Men often associate these with their cock and their cock’s performance. In traditional guy culture your cock = your success. If your cock works, gets action with women only, and is big, then you are a man.

What nonsense. And yet this is often what young boys learn through other men, the media and through porn.

Internet porn thus becomes the guidepost for boys who have nowhere to turn. The basic message for a boy or man watching porn is the same as above. “Use your cock to take her, thrust, fuck, be in charge, dominate, control,” because that is supposedly what she wants. Again, another box. Boys and men buy into the box and if anything happens outside the box, there must be something wrong with you.

Believe it or not, your cock is fine just the way it is. You are adequate. Even if you lose your erection or believe you have a small penis, you are enough. It’s commonly understood that most women don’t care about size.

My advice:

1. The re-frame. Your vulnerability is your strength. Yup. Believe it or not, your vulnerability is your strength. Not in mainstream culture or traditional manhood of course. But who cares? If you read this blog, you are not a conventional, mainstream man. You are more conscious than that. Start acting like you are.

2. Be yourself and stop giving a shit what others think of you. Seriously. Have the balls to be yourself (not your ego-self) and blast out of the box your culture, your father, or your peers put you in.

3. Grow up. Move on past this juvenile behavior. Lead the way and practice not buying into these 3 fears. They only serve to keep you inside that box. You don’t need them. At the same time if you are secure in who you are as a man, skip dissing other men by using these deeply entrenched jabs. You just perpetuate aggression, violence, and intolerance in people that are different than you. If you are scared and want to protect yourself, fine. But get some new tools, seriously.

4. Start respecting your fellow man, no matter who they are. That’s right, criminals, democrats, republicans, gay, straight, black, white, red, brown, yellow. Practice acceptance and start with the guy staring you in the face everyday.

5. Challenge him. If you want to help another man step up, challenge him to reach his potential.

6. Call him out. When a man is thirty-five and he is acting like a boy, call him on that. This does not mean if a man is crying he is acting like a boy. Men cry. I cry. Crying and showing strong emotion is a sign of strength. But if he acts like he is fourteen or is trapped in “guyland” and refuses to be a man, call him out. Demand more from him.

7. Get out of the gender box. Men come in all shapes, colors, and sizes. Be careful about how you put boys (including your own children) in a gender box. Let your son be emotional, sensitive, and free. If he plays with dolls, get curious about why you care so much. It’s likely that you are afraid what others will think of you. Encourage him to be himself and trust himself, not some version of your rigid self. Do the same with your adult male friends and colleagues.

I have been known to challenge a man’s manhood to this day. I feel okay about it. Why? Because I am demanding that he act like an adult and be truthful with who and what he is. I want the best out of him. I demand what is behind his mask. I want his authentic version of him, not some box that his culture put him in. I don’t have some outdated, stoic, John Wayne version of manhood. That’s a bunch of crap.

If you decide to challenge another man’s manhood, come from a place of honor and respect and remember tip number 3. We can and do challenge each other as men. But let us do it by building one another up without disrespecting someone else or comparing ourselves to anyone.

This World needs less “adult boys” and more open-hearted, fearless, conscious men. Will you be one of them?

Since today is International Men’s Day, reflect on these questions surrounding manhood:

• Have been initiated into manhood?
• How would I rate myself as a Man at this juncture in my life?
• In what areas do I have yet to grow?
• Where do I hold back in my life?
• What would I do if I wasn’t afraid today?
• How and What am I contributing to the world right now?
• How can I help a fellow man today?
• If I were to celebrate one thing about myself today, what would it be and whom can I share that with?
• Do I have other quality men in my life that demand the best from me and that have my back? If not, what am I going to do about it?
• Can I heal whatever wounds I have helped create toward women?
• What kind of man (father, son, brother, husband) do I want to be? What can I commit to to make that happen

Feel free to share below or with a fellow man. Practice celebrating your manhood with the women in your life. Let them know how you intend to carry yourself as a man. Will you be a typical man who acts like a boy or are you ready to man up and be a man?

The Good Men Project

Tom Matlock has opened the conversation about manhood and being a good man. His book is on a national tour right now along with accompanying documentary.  Watch this short trailer and you will get a sense of the book and project. Proceeds from book sales go to at-risk boys programs. Very cool.

10.27.2009 – (Boston, MA) – What does it mean to be a “good man?” Hear some answers as The Good Men Project kicks off its first series of events and begins a national conversation about modern manhood. The Project’s centerpieces are The Good Men Project: Real Stories from the Front Lines of Modern Manhood anthology of essays and the documentary film of the same name. The book is now available at Amazon.com and at select independent bookstores with DVDs of the film available on November 15. The Project’s founders, along with contributors to the book and film, will embark on a unique seven-week, three-city tour that will take them from a prison in New York to a TV and film studio in Hollywood. Along the way, they will tell their stories, answer questions, and foster a timely and essential discussion about what it means to be a good man.

Become a fan of the Good Man Project on Facebook here. Or buy the book Good Men Project.

Hold On To Your Nuts!

Next there’s a great book by Wayne Levine called “Hold on To Your Nuts” The relationship manual for men. Wayne’s a great guy and very committed to men’s work and helping men be their best. Wayne runs the West Coast Men’s Center and leads men’s retreats.

The Art Of Manliness

Then, there’s a more conventional guidebook by the popular men’s site http://ArtOfManliness.com

The Art Of Manliness has also just released their new book:

The Art of manliness, Classic Skills and Manners for the Modern Man. Here’s a short video of Bretty McKay announcing the book!

Become a fan of Art of manliness on facebook here.

Manhood For Amateurs

And then there’s a book of one man’s journey with manhood. Manhood for Amateurs: The Pleasures and Regrets of a Husband, Father and Son by Michael Chabon. This one sounds like it might be juicy.

There have been no shortage of books on motherhood, but daddy diaries are a growing phenomenon. Chabon raises the bar with his often poignant meditations on manhood, fatherhood and aspects of his own childhood. Most of these loosely connected essays, which add up to an episodic autobiography of sorts, first appeared in Details magazine. In addition to the gorgeous prose for which he is celebrated, several lovely qualities shine through.

He emerges from these 39 beautifully written personal essays as a prince among men. Not only does he produce dazzling novels that have given genre fiction literary cachet — including The Yiddish Policemen’s Union (2007) and his Pulitzer Prize-winning Amazing Adventures of Kavalier & Clay (2001) — he also cooks, cleans, markets and gets his children to their appointments — and counts himself fortunate to be in a position to do so. Read The rest here.

What other current books do you recommend? No books that are over 5 years old please.

Art by Bryce Widom

The ten commitments of Manhood if practiced, will greatly increase the quality of your life.

Not only that, but you may find yourself more trustworthy as a man.

Maybe these can replace the ten commandments. Why are people following rules that someone wrote that long ago? WTF?

Let these be commitments you make in order to be a revolutionary man and more importantly, to be the kind of man you are capable of being.

I strongly recommend posting the commitments in a location where you can see them every day.

Make it a daily practice to review your commitments. Remember these are commitments you make to yourself, not to some higher power, God, or authority figure. If they don’t fit for you exactly, tweak them.

If you wish, bring these into your men’s group and use them as discussion topics and accountability measures.

Commitment 1. – Potential

I commit to reaching my potential and being the man I am capable of being. I commit to working on myself until I die. I am done with prioritizing comfort, safety, and security. No more hiding. I will get out of the bleachers and into the game. I am no longer willing to be a spectator to my own life.

Commitment 2 – Shadow

I commit to engaging in my shadow and blind spots. I commit to receiving ongoing feedback about whatever is unconscious in me and using practices that help bring it into the light. At the same time, I will also no longer “bury” my past and pretend I’m over it. If something from the past is lingering, I will address it.  I will “update” the files on myself and others.

Commitment 3. – Authority

Me first! I commit to being true to myself, first and foremost. I commit to trusting my own experience above all else and getting to know my inner authority. No one holds the authority on me except me.

Commitment 4 – Relationship

I commit to getting my relationship life handled. I commit to opening my heart, no matter the cost. This means being willing to set boundaries, not shying away from conflict, having the balls to be truthful with others, learning deeply about my sexuality. I commit to finding a mentor, doing therapy and/or coaching, participating in a men’s group, and whatever else it takes to have deep, meaningful relationships. I choose relationships that push me to grow.

Commitment 5 – Maturity

I commit to growing myself up. When someone else pisses me off or hurts me and I regress into acting like a young boy, I will reaffirm my commitment to learning how to be less reactive and developing more mastery.

Commitment 6. – Responsibility

I commit to taking full responsibility for my life. No one is responsible for my situation and my life except me. I commit to no more blaming and no more playing the victim I therefore commit t o knowing what I want and finding and living my purpose.

Commitment 7 – Finances

I commit to growing up financially. I will get my money shit together, which doesn’t mean focusing on how much (or little) I make, but rather on diligently uncovering the entirety of my relationship with money. I will learn how to be in conscious relationship to money matters. I will know the relationship between inner wealth and material wealth.

Commitment 8 – Service

I choose compassion over aggression. I commit to living a life of service. I will value the people around me and cultivate both the intention and capacity to help them in ways that matter to them. I seek to understand idiot compassion versus true compassion.

Commitment 9 – Social Justice

I commit to a life of social justice, non-violence, and equality. I commit to being and staying aware of my privilege and power in relationship to other men, women, and anyone of a different sexual orientation, race, culture, or ethnicity.

Commitment 10 – Gratitude

I commit to having fun, celebrating what is already “right” in my life and being grateful for what I have. I also will practice an attitude of gratitude for every challenge in my life and seek to embrace its wisdom.

Are there additional commitments you would add to your personal list? Share them with the other men here.

As far as I know, this is the only training of it’s kind in the World. 3.5 months of intense inner growth, personal development work with a group of guys committed to living powerful, fulfilling lives.

As one man said, “The challenge we undertook together was all about facing fear, providing comprehensive support, accountability & encouragement in an immpecably safe & trusting environment as we urged one another towards our highest purpose. Phew, what a journey! I love you men! Thank you!”

These men spent two weekend intensives in Boulder Colorado and every Monday night on the phone together for 3.5 months.

For more info on the training read this post. For the Revolutionary Man Leadership Training 2010, click here.

Watch this video as a few men share their experience of the 108 days!

Here is a testimonial:

“Jayson Gaddis is a f_cking magician. He has opened the right doors at the right time for me to take a hard look at myself and discover not only my purpose on this planet but my potential as a man. My life was filled with fear and doubt and insecurity until gave me the tools to dig that stuff up and the strength to face it.”
—Alex Szyleyko, 27.

Okay Men, are you up for the task? This Contest is not for small-timers. Only apply if you are deadly serious and you want to be the kind of game-changing Man people remember….. forever.

I’m only offering 8 spots for this year long Personal Development Training. It’s basically free.

Check it here

This powerful Byron Hurt youtube video explores Manhood in the Black Community comparing two Iconic figures Barak Obama and rapper 50 Cent. I also wrote about this on Elephant Journal’s site.

I first read this post on William Harryman’s site The Masculine Heart. To me this video is an important contrast within the black culture between two very different messages about what it means to be a Man. It is obvious and clear that both Men have a huge following and both represent opposing views of Being a Man. However, the video also reminds us that both men found Big success despite the odds.

How do these two men differ from white Manhood? What are the important lessons here? What do different cultures and different races have to teach about being a Man?

Check out this short video: