I was reminded last night in my bouts of grief that I came into this world, not trusting, not having faith. That was the core imprint. It’s been the slow undercurrent of my experience to date.

When external stressors turn on, I feel gripped. I feel as though I need to manufacture security.

The tape goes like this: External security (i.e. finances being stable) equals trusting my life. If finances are unstable, so am I.

In other words, if my finances get resolved and I feel “secure”, then I can finally trust. And, maybe that is true in some capacity.

However, I want it the other way around. Learn to trust, and know that I am already secure. Learn to trust deeply from the inside, no matter the external circumstances.

I know intellectually that my life is already trustworthy, but I often lack the deep experiential knowing of this.

I’m a 3 on the enneagram, so, with the lack of trust, I compensate  by achieving, accomplishing, doing. While that looks good on the outside, when it is coming from fear, it is exhausting, tiring, draining, and generally lacks fulfilling results.

I refuse to manifest in my life from that fear-based place.  Thankfully, t doesn’t work anyway.

A few days ago, I was pretty locked up.  Shut down, depressed, foggy, flat. This flat place is much more painful than feeling any strong emotion. It feels like someone put a vice on my being and I have no range of motion. My head feels clouded. I lack energy. Some folks call this malaise a depression of sorts. It sure feels depressing.

Since I couldn’t work through it on my own, I reached out and did my first public support call with my mentor.

That helped big time. There was a sweet opening.

But later I re-locked up, still distant from my wife, still irritable, needy, cranky.

I reached out to several bros and immediately got a friend on the line. He reminded me of what I tell him. “Go into the depression, the deadness, and be there, completely present, ride that wave.”

I sat on my meditation cushion with laser awareness. Within minutes, the grief came. Waves of it, for over an hour.

The grief was deep. There is more. As is often the case while expressing my deep grief, I felt so alive. I felt held. Energy was moving again.

When I asked the Universe, “how can I know you will really hold me and be there for me through this?” The answer was an immediate “we already are.”

I asked for a deep knowing in this with a prayer to experience absolute trust and faith in my life, that I am held and to know that in my bones.

May that also be so for you today.

While meditation can and does help with feeling more at peace, it can provoke what we suppress and invite what we deny. It can also help you listen to the inner voice which is buried for so many people.

Meditate long enough by going on a retreat and you’ll discover parts of yourself you didn’t even know existed.

The more you meditate, the more self-knowledge you will have. The more self knowledge you have, the more choices you will have in your life.  So meditation can be used as a vehicle to wake up to yourself and to your “real” life.

Soon, I will be rolling out a series of guided mp3 meditations for you to listen to on your ipod. Stay tuned. For now, once per month, I teach a free online meditation class at Edufire.com.

Learn How

Next class is Monday, August 10 at noon MST. Will you join us?

Also, please check out some basic meditation posture and instruction in this previous post on meditation 101.

Although it would often intensify my loneliness, it somehow helped. Years later I would trek into the wilds alone for self-reflection. There I would ask big questions. There I might solve problems or attempt to figure out what painful emotion I was experiencing.

Sometimes I was running away from something. Other times I was running toward something.

After college I traveled to Central America alone to “find myself.” Running the same patterns and having no real mentor, I wound up missing home and was frustrated by my lack of clarity and confusion.

Soon after I began to lead wilderness trips and facilitate a “solo” wherein teenage boys and girls would spend 3 days and nights alone in the wilderness, far enough away from us that they could experience utter aloneness but still be at a safe distance for support if need be.

Since 1997, I have led wilderness journeys and the critical highlight still remains the solo. Most participants report that is often the most challenging and most rewarding aspect of the trip.

Today whenever I have to make a major decision or sit in the fire of something really painful, what do I do? Solitude.

On June 21, the summer solstice I want to invite you to join me and nine other men for a day of self-reflection and space away from your everyday life.

Why?

Let me explain…

I recently interviewed Bob Kull, author of “Solitude, Seeking Wisdom In Extremes.” Bob spent a year alone in the Wilderness of South America and made some important discoveries about himself and about life that we can all learn from.

Bob has some amazing and profound stories that might shock you.

I’m not suggesting you cut bait and leave your life for the wilderness for a year. I am suggesting that even if you commit to 1 hour a week of solitude there will be benefits.

In our fast paced society, we often claim we don’t have time to be alone, yet many men long for it. We long to “get away” and just rest in the big space of the wild or the open road. Can you relate to this?

I can’t tell you how many men I work with report the desire for space, yet a feeling that it is difficult to follow through with this, particularly if these men are married, have children, or work full time.

My challenge and invitation to you is to not let the real life situation you are in become an excuse as to why you do not honor that voice within you.

You deserve time alone and there may be a hidden benefit within that solitude that you are not even aware of.

So, what does this look like?

I’m going to recommend that solitude be uninterrupted time where you are indeed alone and free from distractions such as cell phones, computers, people, and even food.

Notice what your ideas are about being alone. Many people think that they spend plenty of time alone such as the one hour commute to work or while they are jogging, working out, and listening to their ipod. What I’m suggesting is quite different.

For example, for many Native American tribes solitude meant a vision quest where they sat in one spot for four days and four nights without food or water to pray for a vision for their people. Any movement outside their solo spot was considered a distraction and took them away from their meditation and prayer.

I have done many solos in my life from meditating alone in a cabin for two weeks nine hours a day to a more traditional vision quest. Now, with a new four month-old son, solitude means meditating in my home for 20-45 minutes per day.

Then, if I’m lucky I might take one or two short retreats per year where I head out into the woods or a retreat cabin for several days to go deeper.

Okay, I’m interested, but what should I do?

I’m sure we’ll hear more from Bob, but in the meantime here are a few pointers on how and where to get started.

1. Prepare in advance to take time alone. Get permission from work or your family to support you in spending some time alone. Sometimes, we just need to “head for the hills” to get away, but I’m encouraging you to make this a conscious, regular practice where you let others know your intentions.
2. Set an intention and share it. Letting my wife know that I’m doing some “me time” or alone time is much more open than just sneaking away for some alone time. Do this consciously. Let your partner know. Let another man know. If you are going out for an extended period in the woods, it is essential you let someone know where you are and how long you intend to be there. You might get more specific by focussing on a life theme such as, “My intention is to reflect on my life’s purpose.” Or, “My intention is to reflect on my current breakup and be with the loss and grief.”
3. Decide how much time you want to spend alone. Is it a week? A day? Or will it be a daily practice for 1 hr each day wherein you are just with yourself. Consider joining us on June 21 and make a commitment to be still and alone for a period of time.
4. Determine where: Home? A retreat cabin? The woods?
5. Limit your distractions. For example, if you choose to be outside in a park or in nature, limit your movement. For me, going on a hike is different than sitting in the same spot for several hours. If you want to challenge yourself, sit still and don’t move much at all. The more you move, the more distractions there are. I would recommend not journaling, listening to music or reading. These are other ways to distract yourself during true solitude.
6. Meditate: Find a method that allows for you to be present with your experience. Sitting still is very very difficult. Sitting without incessant thoughts is even more difficult and requires ongoing practice. Be gentle with yourself. No need to judge yourself.  The idea here is to just be present with your experience and watch the display unfold—all of it, including thoughts, emotions and boredom (Here are some pointers)
7. Be kind to yourself. No need to be too rigid here or force anything. Give yourself permission to think and reflect on your life.
8. Share your experience with someone. Upon completion, let someone know if this type of personal time served you and how you are going to commit to doing more of it in the future.

Let’s face it, we all need time alone. Make a commitment to yourself to start listening to that voice inside that craves, and might even need, some space.

Report back. What do you believe is the value and benefit of alone time? Let us know your experience!

Leave a comment—-

I want to invite you along as I explore what is really possible for men who want to transform their lives.

If I say to you “Join me in finding out more about what is wrong in your life and your world!” What does the quality of this question feel like? Contraction.

If, on the other hand I say to you, “Join me in creating an inspiring, conscious community of men who will have a huge impact on their own lives and lives of others!” What does this feel like? Expansion.

Take note of your own life. When you want something to be different or you want others to join your cause, what approach are you taking? One of contraction or expansion? Are you approaching a life-change with visionary possibility? Or are you fault-finding and complaining about what’s not working?

Please watch this short 2 minute video for more on this.

It feels great to invite you all into what is possible. And, stay tuned for a huge offer that will invite you further toward what is possible in your own life.

Consider this shift permanent.

Jayson

The result? Unhappy, unfulfilled people who somehow feel “off.” These same people don’t know that if they free themselves from their limiting beliefs, it can lead to feeling more whole and more free as a human being.

For example, in my 20’s I was popular, well-liked, had lots of friends, traveled the world, and dated great women. To others, I had the life.

Inside however, I was not happy. Other people assumed that I was “the man” and as far as they knew I was an intense guy, but a happy guy. Yet there was another truth– underneath the surface, there was a conflicting story going on.

Underneath “I’m the man” was the limiting belief that I was worthless and inadequate. I felt shitty about myself and was not inspired about my life. As you can imagine I couldn’t reconcile these two conflicting stories that I had about myself.

Since others liked me I would often get caught up in an ego trip, thinking that yes, even though I was depressed inside, I was the man. But this belief was a mask, a front others believed. I ended up wearing it for a long time.

We all have some dynamic like this operating within us which we learned while growing up. For many of us this dynamic has two parts:

1. The mask we wear to get what we want in the world such as love, approval, attention, fame, recognition. The mask’s job is to hide or cover for the limiting belief under it.
2. The limiting belief or cognition (that is often unconscious) such as “I’m not worthy of love,” “I’m a failure,” and “I can’t trust anyone” or even self-aggrandizing beliefs such as “I’m better than everyone” which lay buried underneath the mask.

What I have learned since then is that neither story is true. I am not my ego and I am not my core belief.

The next question to ask then is “who am I?”

As Tibetan meditation master and founder of Naropa University Chogyam Trungpa Rinpoche taught at our core we are all fundamentally good. He called it basic goodness. In other words, there is nothing fundamentally wrong with you and there never was.

But somewhere along the way, we believed there was something wrong with us and then we started orienting our lives around this core limiting belief and formed a mask to hide this aspect of ourselves. In some cases we did such a good job that we fooled everyone. If we do this long enough, our mask becomes our identity that covers up  our primary insecurities.

But remember, our mask isn’t who we are.

So, what do I do If I want to move beyond my limiting beliefs? Self Inquiry

Identify your Mask
First identify if this dynamic is going on inside you. Be honest. Ask yourself what mask do I wear in the world? Is it different with family, co workers and friends? Write about it or even draw a picture of it.

What is my core belief?
Next, do you have a core belief about yourself? Remember, some of you have an inflated sense of self such as “I’m better than everyone else.” It doesn’t have to be a negative belief.  Sometimes, there are a number of core beliefs going on. What are yours?

What is the cost?
How do having a core belief and then wearing a mask impact your relationships? Make a list of 5 consequences of both your mask and your limiting belief that fuels it.

Meditation Question 1
Get quiet by mediating for 5-minutes. Identify with your story of who you think you are, then drop the story and dive down by asking “What is true right now?”

As you ask this question, let is be like a flashlight that points to 3 areas:

• Thoughts (I’m bad, what’s for lunch? etc)
• Body sensations (tight, tingley, vibrating, etc)
• Emotions (sad, happy, angry etc)

Stay in the now. Keep coming back to the present moment. Continue to work this question. You are observing what is actually true right now as opposed to whatever story or tape is playing in your mind.

Meditation question 2

Now sit in the same way and ask this question: Who would I be without my story or limiting belief? Notice what arises.

By doing this practice daily, you may begin to experience more freedom from your story, more space. You might even begin to take your limiting belief(s) less seriously. Once you begin to let go of who you think you are, the real you will  you will begin to emerge.

Remember: The way to move beyond limiting beliefs is look for the truth inside you. The truth of who you actually are.

Stay tuned for another post on this subject where we will replace the limiting belief with a new one.

Engage with this and report back.

For the past 5 years, I usually spend two days to two weeks alone somewhere in the Colorado mountains in a retreat cabin. Doing what? Sitting with what is.

“What is” is often just my thoughts. Thinking is how I typically spend most of my time while on retreat (retreat is intentional time spent with your own state of mind. It’s different from a “vacation.”). But for some, their “what is” might be an experience of peace, emptiness or emotions such as fear, paranoia, joy, grief, anger, hostility, anxiety, dread…I could go on and on.

In all seriousness, I experience everything from utter freedom to terrifying nightmares. Even when I’m “thinking the whole time” I come to valuable insights about myself. For me, many critical, gut-wrenching decisions have been made about my life’s direction while alone in a cabin or alone in the woods.

The idea here is not to “get away from” your stress, but to gain a deeper understanding of your stress.

I notice that when I first arrive at the tiny cabin and make it home, I can’t wait to get started. Then a few hours into it I wish I were somewhere else. It all points to how my ego would rather not be present and I drift off to fantasies about eating chocolate & coconut bliss in the comfort of my own home, snuggling with my wife and newborn son.

If you stay for the length of your retreat (whatever amount of time that is, from 2 hours, to 2 days.  Some folks do it for 20 years!) a lot of teachings can come through about how you are and about how you operate. It is very helpful for this journey we call life.

Even if you don’t meditate, the stillness and solitude of the wilderness setting can be very healing and transformational. Why can’t you just do it at home? You can. However, I don’t know about you but I get way too distracted at home. It’s not possible for me. I have to leave and really unplug from everything.

I’ve done retreats where I don’t bring books or even a journal. I just sit there with no distractions and be with myself and my experience. Other retreats have been more relaxed for me. I give myself permission to read, write and even go on exploratory hikes to places I’m not supposed to go.

For you, it might be an interesting experiment to just commit to a single day or a weekend. No need to get crushed by a two month-long retreat right out of the gate.

I did my retreat at DKD in Gardner Colorado although there are other good ones elsewhere such as KTTG in Crestone Colorado, where I have also done retreats. There are retreat cabins all over the world in fact.

If you want more guidance about what kind of retreat is best for you, start by considering why you are craving it in the first place. Is it to escape? get away? or to get more in touch with what is up for you in your life right now.

Meditation is a tool that can assist you in being with “what is.” If you choose to do formal meditation, it is essential to get some basic meditation instruction. You can also do a group retreat where you sit quietly with your own mind and occasionally hear a teacher talk about life, meditation, philosophy and spirituality.

A great group retreat site and teacher is the Dharma Ocean foundation under the guidance of Reggie Ray. But there are hundreds if not thousands of other programs and teachers to explore.

I’m sure you have a lot of good reasons as to why you cannot afford to take a whole day off, but I challenge you to do it and see what happens. What are the consequences of giving a whole day to yourself to be alone with zero distractions?

I’d love your comments.

Tibetan Meditation Master

I’m always on the lookout for men who inspire me. Yet, I look around and see very few men that call forth the best in me. These days, with the current political, cultural and social challenges we face, I can become cynical, discouraged, or just want to quit.

Sometimes I have to look to the past for inspiration.

According to one of my teachers Reggie Ray, this is common on the path (of life). We try so hard to change things and make a difference but to no avail. So, we may shut down, check out, or just become comfortable bystanders.

Then, I remember stories I’ve heard of Khenpo Gangshar, one of Chogyam Trungpa Rinpoche’s main teachers in Tibet. Both men were fierce warriors for spreading truth and change. They advocated that in order to change things we don’t like, we have to change ourselves. Rinpoche, as many of us know, was fearless about being himself.

Khenpo Gangshar was a great Tibetan meditation master and is considered one of the main forces driving Trungpa Rinpoche’s unconventional style.

In Tibet these men lived as monks, teachers who taught meditation and principles of Buddhism to a huge number of followers. Trungpa Rinpoche often credits Khenpo Gangshar for inspiring him to go beyond the rules and to be himself. Khenpo advised Rinpoche, “study what you are, don’t lose yourself.”

Gangshar’s approach most of his monastic life was to follow the rules and to be a “good” student. He could recite anything on the spot from the scriptures.  One day he fell ill and soon was given up for dead. They put his body in a cell and days later he suddenly sat up much to the astonishment of the monastery.

From that day forward others said he was a different man. Khenpo soon upset a lot of conservative monastic types and many in his community were afraid of him. Many feared him and he became quite the unconventional, revolutionary teacher.

Remember the time. Around 1957, the Chinese had been putting ever increasing pressure on the Tibetans. Monasteries began to be destroyed, many people killed and the country was slowly being taken over.

Since radical measures were needed, Khenpo took two actions that inspire me and that we as modern people can learn from:

1.    He reached out well beyond his known group
He opened up the teachings to laypeople. He invited anyone that wanted to come and hear the dharma to come. He began to teach Buddhism to anyone that wanted to hear his message. And, according to Rinpoche, he even continued to open his heart and doors to the Chinese up until the end.

2.    He had a vision and took bold action
He went up to the high mountains of Tibet, where men had taken vows to meditate their whole life in a cave and he asked them to stop their solitary life long meditation retreat and get down to the villages and help the people. Many were understandably upset and interestingly most came.

The result? Many lives were saved and many, many people heard the teachings he delivered and were able to carry forward in a new way, despite the circumstances.

So, what can we learn from his way of being? Read the rest here

From time to time, I have folks ask me, “How do you meditate?” and “Where do I start?” A lot of guys are wondering where to get started. So, I made a two short instructional videos if you are serious about learning the basics of meditation.

First, it’s important to ask, Why in the hell would a person meditate?

At first, it might be a way to relax or calm your mind. Later on, meditation becomes a powerful tool for growth, personal development and a resource to find your own answers to life’s mysteries and even work through seemingly intractable emotions and mind states.

It seems in this culture, many people would rather have some big authority figure tell them what to do, rather than rely on their own wisdom. But you can only tune in to this frequency if you get pretty quiet and very still.

The benefits of meditation are widely researched and well documented. From the NY Times to National Geographic Magazine. More and more western doctors and health practitioners are citing meditation as helping their clients.

This video give basic sitting up meditation instruction

How will it help you on your path?

I like this description of meditation from www.wikipedia.org:

“Meditation is a mental discipline by which one attempts to get beyond the conditioned, “thinking” mind into a deeper state of relaxation or awareness. Meditation often involves turning attention to a single point of reference. It is recognized as a component of almost all religions, and has been practiced for over 5,000 years.^[1][2][3] It is also practiced outside religious traditions. Different meditative disciplines encompass a wide range of spiritual and/or psychophysical practices which may emphasize different goals — from achievement of a higher state of consciousness, to greater focus, creativity or self-awareness, or simply a more relaxed and peaceful frame of mind.” More here…

So, give it a shot and really notice what comes up for you. It might be interesting to discover that you must approach it quite differently than learning a sport or a new subject in school. How did you do? I’d love to hear from you. Leave a comment…

This video is for lying down meditation. Check it out.

And yes, I am qualified to teach meditation as a certified meditation instructor! Oh, and if you want to learn the basics of a solitary meditation retreat, click here.

On Monday I vowed to not complain for a week. As a meditator, I usually feel that this practice will be a piece of cake. I know how to quiet my mind, right? Even still I knew that I would complain.

Each day, I have found myself complaining about something, and each day the complaints get more subtle and almost unnoticeable. It is an entertaining exercise to watch my mind do it’s thing.

Looking at the news it is easy to “get on board” with the troubles around me and vent to friends about how lame this or that is. Very tempting…

If it’s true that we attract what we put out, my challenge to you is this:  How much are your complaints helping you get you where you want to go? What role does your attitude play in helping you get the results you want in your life? What would it be like for you to have a daily practice of not complaining?

And then when you do find yourself complaining, because it will happen, what do you do? How do you respond?

What kind of “vibe” are you putting out today?