We are here to practice being who we are. We are here to occupy who we are. Let’s take our seat on the stallion within us that’s waiting to be ridden. Let’s explore the deep, sacred masculine together.

This experience is about getting in our bodies, our hearts and the present moment using relationship practice and music.

Friday, Jan 20th. Doors open at 7pm. Doors close at 730pm sharp so we can all get on the same page in terms of context for the night. You are free to leave whenever you want to.

**FAH REALS, doors will LOCK at 730pm. If you arrive after 730pm, you will miss the event.**
So get yourself there on time, masculine-style.

What’s available:

• *Truly seeing and being seen
• *Belonging and feeling connected to a dynamic community
• *Laughter and play with no filler or bullshit
• *Circling, clearings, feedback, relationship practice
• *Deep somatic and musical experiences

Our loose outline:

First half of the night is relationship practice, dyads, and small groups. Second half of the night is an open-ended, improvisational music and movement experience (a “tribal pod”).

Facilitation provided by Jayson, Tom Daly, Robert MacNaughton, Joshua Levin, Reuvain Bacal, and maybe a surprise guest or two.

Our first BME got the ball rolling with a big turn out of 43 men. Awesome! Let’s keep seeing and savoring what happens when conscious dudes gather on a regular basis (outside of a formal, closed men’s circle) with bold intention and fun facilitation.

Cost: $20, (feel free to pay here ahead of time)

What to bring: an intention for the nite, 20 bucks, a drum if you have one, any other musical instruments like shakers, flutes, rattles, whatever.

Please RSVP here. And invite your bros if they’re not already invited. This is an OPEN event!

Will be held every month in 2012. Next BME is  Feb 24, then March 16th. Save the dates.

Next week will mark the half-way point of the Men’s Leadership Training. Twelve bold men taking serious action toward living more powerful, impactful lives. This is a guest post from one of the participants of the current MLT 2010. I met Jonathan last fall over the phone when I started coaching him. I asked the tribe of MLT if someone would like to write about their experience thus far.  As per usual, Jonathan jumped forward and here is what he has to say after 80 days in the six month training.

On a cold, clear Thursday night in January 2010, I walked into a room of men I had never met before.  By Sunday, I was calling these men my brothers.

That isn’t quite the beginning of my story.  Let me back up.

My name is Jonathan Wondrusch.  I’m a 22 year old man living in Kansas City.  I am a storyteller, a world-changer and participant in Jayson’s Men’s Leadership Training.

I joined MLT because I want to make a difference in the world.  I wanted to get real; I wanted to stop hiding from my issues.  I was tired of feeling alone. I was afraid of coasting, but even more afraid of completely opening my eyes to my potential.

I desperately wanted to be part of a group of men that make a difference in their own lives, the lives of their friends and family and even the world.

Has MLT made a difference in any of that?

Fuck yah.

When I started this training, I would never call myself a “man.”

I had no idea what it meant.  I was turned off to the depth of love I could give and receive. I would beat myself up if I wasn’t able to “stay happy.” I felt isolated.

What is different now?

I am a much more conscious man.

I openly express sadness, anger, fear, rage, self-doubt and am completely vulnerable within a group of powerful men.  I am in a tribe of men who are not afraid to be authentic and deal with the real issues in our lives: purpose, love, money, integrity, sex, fear – all the things that were hard to talk about with another man in the past.

I faceplant way more often than I’d like.  I constantly let myself be distracted from sharing my light.

The difference is how I handle falling down: I am able to stand up and keep going, without judging myself.  I beat myself up less for not being perfect.  I am able to love myself for who I am, instead of hating myself for what I can’t do.

MLT has opened me up to a flood of awareness.  I’ve learned tools for communication and setting boundaries.  I have learned about my nature through journaling, the Enneagram and even some astrology.

This hasn’t been a joyride.  Participating in MLT is one of the hardest things I have ever done.  Not every moment of MLT is challenging – most are real, authentic and empowering.  It is one of the hardest things I have ever done because there is no hiding from myself.  Every dark and painful experience that I feel shame or fear around, I am choosing to face.

Keeping my eyes open puts me in touch with my power.  It makes me aware of the light that shines forth and illuminates the world around me.  When I confront my darkness, I am more able to live with love and passion.

I have come to know my truth better.  I recognize it.  In moments of shame and darkness, I can look inward and see what feels true.  When I do, I can move shame into self-loving.  From my truth, I can feel my power and integrity in the actions I take.

MLT is about learning to be who you are.  It is about giving and receiving love.  It is breathing in through your balls and feeling a deep connection with the world around you.  It is about opening your heart.  It is about living with truth and courage and integrity.  It is about not being afraid to be vulnerable in the presence of other men.  It is about not hiding yourself any more.

Finding my Tribe

The best part of MLT is the tribe.  These men are real, authentic and powerful.  Finding someone real is difficult in our society; I am real and I am with men who are also real.

This tribe is a place to belong – a group of men committed to their authenticity, courageously facing our edges, supporting each other, while giving honest (as in no bullshit) feedback on how every one of us is showing up.  Being a part of this group means so much to me.  If I had not joined, I would have been committing to the same bullshit that kept me inauthentic, limited and playing on the sidelines of my life.

The first weekend intensive was one of the most profound experiences of my life.  As I write and recall these memories, I am filled to the brim by the emotions of it.

I answered some of the most important questions I have ever asked of myself: Can I give everything for those I love?  Can I give my all when my body tells me there is nothing more to give?  Can I stand in the face of my greatest fear with an open heart?  Knowing the answers to these questions gives me inner strength that I had only imagined before.

Do you know what it looks like when a man gives his all?  When he holds nothing back?  I saw 15 men do it.  I did it.  I saw 15 men give their all until there was nothing left, and then when they thought they were done, they were asked for more.  Do you know how many men crapped out and decided there was nothing left?  Zero.  Not one man decided that they wouldn’t keep giving their all.  That is the caliber of men that I am on this journey with, and the quality of man that I am.

I am avoiding the specifics of the weekend on purpose.  I hope that at least one man out there will read this and be inspired enough to take the risk and participate in MLT.  I do not want take away from those men’s experience; I do not want to take the risk of his life not being changed because he knew what he was getting into.

What’s next for me?

Honestly, I have no concrete idea.  Every week has different gifts and lessons to learn.  It is not a classroom; it is my life.  I am learning how to live my life on my terms.  I am becoming the man I consciously choose to become.

I’m still working on not being limited by my fears – of not being worthy of love and of not being enough to achieve my dreams.  I am learning to grow through these fears and to embrace my life with an open heart.  I am learning to give and receive love more fully.  I am going to be pushing my boundaries as a man around love, connection, acceptance, awareness, sex, money, potential and what my concept of manhood is.

MLT is inspiring me and teaching me to live up to that in every area of my life.  MLT is about living in integrity with my truth, and it is giving everything in service of love to that truth.

When I started this journey, I couldn’t have looked you in the eye and told you that I was a man.  Much has happened since then, and much more will happen in the future.

Whatever happens, this is me looking you in the eye.

I am a man.

Jonathan Wondrusch is not only a participant in MLT, he writes his own blog http://www.grokkery.com/, is a young visionary, he helped produce this video, and he continues to step into the badass that he is.

photo courtesy of creative commons flickr

Most men suck at conflict.

To me, the hallmark of a healthy, solid relationship is the willingness and ability to go into conflict, sit in the fire, and deal.

Here are a few basic points about men and conflict, then onto the process of working through it.

First, admit you are afraid

Most guys claim to be fearless and spend a lot of energy acting fearless about most things. But those same men are often single, unhappy, and terrified of relationship strife with loved ones.  As I wrote in my rage post, men commonly respond to conflict either by blowing up, care-taking, or shutting down.

If you want to learn the art of conflict, first admit that you are scared of it. Go ahead and say it out loud. “I feel scared of upsetting _______.” Then you can learn to have the balls to tell the truth and be more fearless when it comes to conflict.

Commit to learning how to do conflict

If you want profound love, and to be a solid leader or community member, learning the art of relationship, specifically how to work through conflict, must be a central focal point of your development as a man. Go there.

Remember that conflict is hardest with the people closest to us

Because of what is at stake, we are challenged most by family, intimate partners, and very close friends. Conflict can be easy with strangers where there is no personal injury at stake. It’s easy to tell a stranger off. Much harder to tell a loved one a painful truth that may upset them.

Learn how to fight with your intimate partner

I knew nothing about conflict until I met my wife. Thankfully, we learned together. At times it was ugly and dark. I felt so incredibly uncomfortable at times and I often wanted to hit the eject button and run away. Ouch.

Since my parents hid their conflict from us kids, I learned that a “healthy relationship” meant no fighting. That teaching is and was bullshit.

Every single short term relationship I had prior to meeting my wife, I would say “yeah, our relationship is great, we never fight,” thinking how my parents taught me well. Little did I know I was keeping the relationship stuck on superficial grounds with the unwritten rule to “not go there.” Deep down, I was terrified of ruffling feathers in all my relationships so I would withhold the truth, tell white lies, care-take, and do anything in my power to avoid tension. The irony was that I was already feeling a lot of tension inside myself. Bottom line? I was afraid of conflict.

My wife and I have had some pretty intense fights and I imagine there will be more.  I have learned that healthy fighting is good for a relationship. It’s fertilizer. We now burn through conflict and relationship challenges within hours.



Practice conflict by telling the truth in safe places such as your men’s circle

Men’s groups are a great place to flounder your way through conflict.  In my own men’s circle, we fumbled our way through conflict that was so intense one man left the group for a while. It took us many years to arrive where we are today, able to deal with, and resolve, conflict.

Enlist another man to role play the person you are in conflict with. Practice, practice, practice speaking your truth and say yes to whatever the outcome is.

Give yourself permission to fuck it up and trust that with help, you can come back and clean it up

Early on, you will blow it and make mistakes. No problem. You can always clean up your mess later after you think, journal, reflect and get feedback from non-biased friends and mentors.

Conflict ain’t pretty. It often hurts and brings up the most uncomfortable feelings ever. Say yes to those feelings.

At the root of any conflict avoidance is your unwillingness to feel pain

Did I already mention being a YES to feeling your discomfort?

You must be willing to feel your feelings fully to move through it and become okay with it. Sorry. There are no bypass roads when it comes to conflict.

Most people hide behind “I don’t want to upset the other person.” When in fact, you don’t want to deal with what you have to feel if you see the other person upset.

The more you avoid conflict, the bigger the shitpile gets

If you “hold on,” avoid, shut down, sleep on it and never come back to it, or just brush stuff under the carpet, your shitpile will crack. It will build until that day when your damn of resentments explodes. Sadly, this often causes way more pain and harm than had you told the truth from the beginning.

Finally…

Very few of us have been taught how to do conflict or how to resolve conflict successfully. Give yourself permission to learn and go slow. Bite off small chunks at first and start with people who you trust will not disown you even if it comes out sloppy.

The middle way is to stay present to the whole range of emotion that arises within you and to speak your truth with a open (o even shaky) heart.

If you can learn relationship conflict, you are that much more adaptable, flexible, agile as a man. Your relationships will not only last longer, they will deepen and strengthen.

Okay fine, but HOW?

Here is a great, simple tool for working through conflict.

It’s called the couples dialogue and is a common tool used by imago relationship therapists. It is also used by everyday folks as a way to move through little and big tension between two people. This process can even be used to tell someone how much you love or care about them.

Be sure to really read the full approach here.

Follow these basic guidelines:

1. Find a witness to help the two of you move through this process.
2. Create a safe space to work through it that you both agree upon.
3. Review the 3-step process by Hendrix and Hunt–Mirror, Validate, Empathize here.
4. Move through the 3-step process (below) with one of you as the “sender” and the other person as the “receiver.” See process below.
5. Switch.
6. Now make a request if you have one.
7. Always remain open to hiring a professional help you work through conflict. Sometimes it feels too big for us on our own.
8. Commit to going all the way with this. Don’t blow off your needs or the other person’s needs unless you have an explicit boundary and you are clear you will not budge.
9. If the other person refuses, you can still clean things up on your end by working with a coach, therapist or friend that can help you speak your truth and move through your part. Your part is the only part you have control over anyway.

This is a condensed version in blue that my friend Jeremy (who has trained with the founders) put together for our men’s group.

SENDER

I would like to dialogue about . . .

Is this a good time?

Then, if the receiver says yes, proceed  If not get a commitment for a specific time and place to do the dialogue.

I feel . . .

When you did this, I felt …

RECEIVER

1.  Mirroring

So, if I got that right, you feel …

Did I get that right?

2. Validation

That makes sense.

Is there more?

Then, after a few rounds, offer a “summary” mirror:

Let me see if I got all that.  If I got all that right, when I did ____, you felt ____.

Did I get all that right?

If the sender says yes, then move to step 3.

3. Empathy

I imagine that must feel really bad, or painful, or scary, or ____.

NEW AGREEMENT

After the process is complete, if desired, the sender can ask for an agreement for the future, to create more safety and trust and deepen the relationship.  The receiver does not have to agree to the sender’s request, but must offer a counterproposal.  If needed, the two can agree to work out a final, new agreement at a specific time in the future.  This ensures that something concrete and specific emerges from the dialogue.

Despite what folks think, you don’t have to take your resentments to your grave. You can do conflict and you can learn to successfully navigate your part in the conflict. And, the more you do this, the greater mastery you will have in all or your relationships.

Sometimes it takes balls to start a men’s group and stick with it.

This is an inspiring story of a 20 year old guy in England who just wanted to start a men’s group to explore what it means to be a man. He put up fliers asking “Do you have balls?” to attract men interested in personal development and men’s groups.

Not too long after the fliers were up, he began to receive some intense feedback by women’s groups and other folks.

I don’t think anyone will argue that historically men have wreaked havoc on people, the planet and women. When we men get together, especially if alcohol is involved, we can act like a bunch of childish morons and great harm has been caused by “group think” when groups of men get together from hazing, bullying, crime, gang rape, to extreme violence.

However, as Alex Linsley, founder of the Man Collective, Oxford, reports

“I want to create this forum for men, so men can learn from each other and discuss these issues and make a positive step forward.”

And that is threatening because????

He continues,

“There is so much conflicting information for men. There is massive confusion as to what being a man means, and how to be a good man. Should you be the sensitive all-caring, perhaps the ‘feminized’ man? Or should you be the hard, take no crap from anybody kind of figure?

“Neither of those are particularly useful paradigms. But there’s perhaps things we could learn from both perspectives”.

According to their website, the Man Collective-Oxford believes:

That masculinity should not be a source of shame.  Masculinity should be honed as an alliance between attitudes of purpose and integrity. Men do and should aspire to greatness and that this can be achieved through sharing in the wisdom of great teachers and experiencing the support and challenge other men can offer.

The intention of MC-O is to bring together men on this basis to drag, persuade and inspire each other to become the best versions of themselves in an atmosphere of  respect, support and integrity.

Sounds pretty awesome to me!!!

Listen to Alex get interviewed by my bro Tripp Lanier on the New Man Podcast here.

If you live in the UK, get in touch with 27 year old Marc Quinn and 20 year old Alex Linsley if you want to step up your game and be held accountable by other courageous, soulful men wanting to explore what it means to be a man in 2010. Here’s the link to their gathering this coming weekend.

http://www.mancollective.co.uk/home/gathering/

And if you don’t live in the UK but find yourselves making excuses about why you have yet to start of find a good men’s group, sac up, take a note from these two guys and get in the game!

______________________________________________

Here are other related links if you want to dive into the whole story:

http://www.guardian.co.uk/commentisfree/2009/nov/25/mens-group-feminist-student-union

http://www.guardian.co.uk/education/2009/nov/23/men-students-support-groups-universities

He has also been on BBC TV News but the sound is a bit dodgy:

Photo by F. Montino (creative commons)

When you think of you and rage, what comes to mind? Do you picture yourself smashing cars with a baseball bat like I do? Or do you immediately think “I don’t get angry or enraged, that’s just not me.”

Have you personally ever felt rage? Homicidal rage? Rage at a lover? The world? The “system?” or whatever?

And, when you add the two elements of rage + men, what comes to mind? It is common to think the worst. Criminals, rapists, murderers, war, and extreme forms of violence. Rage often kills, destroys, and damages people and things.

I think that we can agree that most forms of rage are hurtful and beyond hurtful.

However, I want to introduce another slant on rage.  This is the rage-reframe that you and the world needs. I need and want your rage.

What is Rage?

First, what is rage exactly and where does it come from?

Without jumping into a thesis on rage and the human brain, here are a few basic aspects of rage. Think of rage as a geyser. Let’s say anger is near the surface, maybe it’s the steam, the boiling water, the heat. Rage on the other hand, comes from deep down within the geyser. Rage is “superheated” and can cause a great deal of damage.

Rage is commonly brought on by fear–a threat to some part of yourself. When you are threatened, your brain instantly reacts with a fight, flight, or freeze response. Rage can also be a reaction to protect deep, deep shame. (Read more about the biochemistry of rage here).

Why is my rage wanted/needed?

As I said before, I need and want your rage. You might be thinking WTF? Rage equals violence, no way. Rage only hurts.

While it is true that rage has caused much of the devastation around the globe since the invention of agriculture, and we can safely assume, largely at the hands of men, a new kind of rage is needed. Call it “conscious rage” or as my friend Christiane Pelmas calls it “rage-in-service-of-life.”

Christiane writes in her ReWilding blog:

Men are responsible for egregious violence against life. It has been this way for at least four millennia. Yet in order for something different to arise men must cultivate a functional relationship with the very emotion responsible for so much of the violence. They must be reacquainted with their rage, allowing it to come out of the shadows and take its place alongside the (only slightly) more accepted emotions of love and grief.

A man’s rage is a powerful portal back to the deepest heart connection he has with the world and with himself. We need masculine rage-in-service-of-life as desperately as we need rain forests, clean oceans, mountaintops, and wild-flowing unobstructed rivers.

I could not agree more. We men must own our rage and use it for the greater good. Otherwise, your stuffed rage, or your buddy’s sloppy rage will cause harm, period. Moreover, if you have not dealt with your own rage, chances are you won’t be that helpful with anyone else’s.

From my experience as a former wilderness therapy counselor and psychotherapist with very enraged teenagers and men, and struggling with my own rage, I learned a few things about this volatile emotion.

The current approach to rage

Because men have little to no training in regards to expression of anger and rage, and because most men are scared of their emotional world, they typically respond to rage in one of two ways:

1.  The Nice Guy—This is usually the first tactic men use. Don’t go there. Just bottle it up. You might hurt someone or get hurt. Fake a smile and act like everything’s fine.

2.  The Spaz—Once a man realizes he’s tired of being nice, or he can no longer contain such a strong emotion, it bleeds out. Scream, yell, fight, attack, and defend. Largely, because these men have no training, they act like a hurt infant and throw a tantrum.

Both of these approaches have one thing in common–FEAR. Fear is the foundation of unconscious, dissociated rage. So long as fear is on board, you will likely cause harm. See diagram below.

Likewise, the culture responds in one of two ways: 1) by egging rage on, (screaming fans at a fight) or 2) shutting it down with anger management. Conventional anger management essentially means you receive tools to help you further suppress your rage and anger.

To feel rage is to be human. All of us have felt rage at some point from infancy onward. It is human to feel shame, to feel threatened, and to want to defend yourself. The animal part of our brain acts like an animal for a reason–so we can survive.  But the pre-frontal cortex, or front part of our brain, comes in with some form of social conditioning such as “it’s not okay to express rage.” Thus rage becomes compounded and pressurized.

We all know that if feeling rage means you are human, it does not give you the right to uncork it and explode on a stranger, a co-worker, or a lover.

Remember, when you stuff your anger and rage over and over and you then add the stress of a failing marriage, a long day at the office, money issues, and you lack the tools to deal, a mundane event such as a person cutting you off on the highway or driving too slow in “your” lane, can trigger a massive outburst which can lead to real harm.

I personally stuffed my anger and rage for so long that when I would drink too much in college and someone rubbed me the wrong way, I would blow a gasket and go ape shit. My stuffed rage would explode out of me resulting in fights, verbal assaults, and other behavior that had me feeling a great deal of shame the following days and weeks.

But isn’t anger okay for men to express?

On the other hand, men in this culture seem to be “somewhat allowed” to express anger, and even rage. Especially if it’s finger pointing, blame, and fighting. Watch sports, TV reality shows, far-right or far-left politics. Men are often encouraged to “fight it out.” And if you don’t fight, you can be seen as too feminine, or gay.

And if no one ever taught you how to work with your anger/rage, you will likely respond as you did as a young infant boy; kick, scream, throw a tantrum, or shut down. (Sadly, if a woman gets enraged and shows it consciously or unconsciously, she’s labeled a psycho bitch).

Bottom line for men?  You are left with a contradictory message. Stuff it and play nice or intimidate and bully by throwing a tantrum. So even while men have more “permission” to show anger/rage, the contradictory message promotes suppression, confusion, and perhaps eventually violence.

What is the alternative?

Since these two choices suck, I suggest a third.

When you step back from most unconscious rage experiences and think with your heart, from a place of compassion, there is another way.

Conscious Rage–Rage coming from your heart.

Rage sitting on top of love will simply have a different impact.

As Christiane invites, what if your rage was a powerful portal back to your heart connection with yourself and the world? What if you could use your rage as a lightning rod for transformation, peace, justice, and “right-action?” What if you felt safe enough to really go there and express your rage in a conscious way?

I am suggesting we acknowledge that we have anger and/or rage and that we can use that energy for the greater good. In other words, begin to form a conscious relationship to your rage.  While you are at it, do this with all of your emotions.

Try it on that it is actually possible to feel your rage fully and not cause any harm to yourself or anyone else.  How? By tapping into the fact that you give a shit. You care, deeply about certain things. Feel your care, your passion and get pissed and the injunctions in the world. 

So, hopefully your brain is confused by now and you are open to doing rage and anger differently.

And, if you are one of those guys who claims, “I just don’t get angry.” Try it on that you are not connected to your own anger or rage and in turn, you are lacking life force. Anger and rage can be a gateway back to your personal power, passion, and the life force that can inspire you and others to make a difference.

Here are several pointers to get started.

1.  Acknowledge how destructive unconscious, man-rage can be.

2.  Acknowledge your rage and own it. Clean up your “old rage” that is still in you from old hurts and wounds. If you are scared of this aspect of yourself, find a good therapist or practitioner to help you sort it out.

3. Welcome this new view on rage and consider that your personal rage (coming from love) is needed.

4. Know the difference between your unconscious rage and your conscious rage. What is the difference for you? What does it feel like? See if you can find a form of rage in you that would come from love.

5. Take a course in non-violent communication. Become emotionally literate so your emotions don’t own you.

6. Practice working with your rage using the exercise below.

7. Join a men’s group and ask the men to support you in fumbling through this one by practicing expressing rage with other men in a safe way.

Finally, remember that rage in and of itself is NOT the issue. A man’s relationship to rage is the issue.

Working with rage– practice

Do this practice in a safe place, sitting or lying down with your eyes closed.

Visualize the thing you love the most in the world. Feel your heart, your love and your connection to this thing/person. Where in your body do you feel this? What is it like?

Now visualize that thing/person being taken from you.

Notice what happens next inside your body and what thoughts come online.

Take off the label of rage and feel the rage as energy in your body. Notice body sensations (tingling, heat, cold, vibrations, shaky, etc.) Pay special attention to your pelvis and jaw, common places we hold rage. Find the center of it. What is it like?

Find the “NO WAY CAN I LET THIS HAPPEN” in you that would protect that thing you love the most at all costs. Find the strength by identifying a resource somewhere in your body that could rise up to meet the situation.

Track your fear versus love. Tease out how a fear response might be different than a love response. Is fear above the rage or underneath it?

Stay with this energy until it dissipates. The only way over your rage is through it. You must feel it fully.

Notice that anger or even rage when coming from LOVE feels different than when your rage/anger is coming from FEAR.

At the core of your rage is either love or fear and sometimes both are involved. Commit to responding from love as opposed to fear.

If you could do anything with this energy what would you do? Would you hit stuff? Break things? Or would you just embrace the wild energy in your body and ride its wave?

It’s not everyday that you can make a big decision like this to move your life forward and help others at the same time. Believe it or not, you are needed.

Please do everyone a favor and take a small step forward today toward your dreams and help a brother while doing so. Life might start to take on a whole new meaning!

If there was a car accident and you were the first one the scene, chances are you would respond and immediately lend yourself to the situation. Right? Most men would step up and serve in that moment without question, without hesitation.

How is it that some guys can really step up when it matters most, but in the day to day routine of life hold back so much? What will it take for you to “respond” to the call of your life?

What mistakes have you made that have you in a career that is luke warm? What are you doing about it?

If you still reading, you are at least aware that there is a problem. If you read my blog, you know there’s more out there.

Some of you are in the initial phase of career change. Some of you are just realizing there is a problem. And others of you are well along the path, having already taken some big risks toward the future, your life purpose, and what you want.

In this culture, work matters. Even though it is only what you do, for many men it becomes your identity. And, if you don’t like your work, that has a big impact on who you are as a man and how you are showing up in the world.

If you’re anything like me, a man’s road of career development is frustrating, challenging and relentless. It’s what I wake up in the morning every day having to face.

Let’s look at the top 3 reasons you, and men like you, play it safe, hate their job and continue to hold back from what’s possible.

REASON NUMBER 1-  You Let Someone Else be the Leader.

You got on the wrong train and became a follower.  You did what you were supposed to do or needed to do, rather than what you wanted to do.

Before we dive further into this point, it is important to understand the rationale men use in their career development and what kinds of men they are. From my experience, unhappy career men are divided into four categories:

Man A. The Hamster

Somewhere along his life path, often in his 20’s, a man lands a good paying job with the potential for career advancement. Without doing a serious inquiry and innocently enough, he takes the job and then the years go by.

This man likes stability and stays in that job until he retires. This type of man was more common in my father’s generation. This man gets on the hamster wheel early and for some dog-gone reason, stays on the damn wheel.

Man B. The strategist

This guy will do some serious searching early in his career and may change jobs several times in his 20’s and even in to his 30’s until he settles with a firm or a company. He may go to grad school to pursue an MBA, to further his skills and to make more cash.

This guy stays with a job for no more than 2 years before moving on to a better job—better pay, benefits, office views, and titles with more clout and credibility.  In this case he is looking for “career advancement” and so he develops a skill set or two he is good at and finds work that supports that advancement.

Men tell me that at this stage they are climbing the corporate latter. Other men in this category have told me that they seek more challenging positions so they can continue to grow as a leader within the workplace.

Man C—The Family Man.

Family men tell me that they had to get a serious job to support the family, the mortgage, and the other responsibilities that come along with “growing up” and being an adult.

As his family grows, so does his need for more money to afford more things the family needs—a bigger house, another car, more money for schooling, more mouths to feed etc.  The upgrades often continue, as does the necessary salary to support it.

Man D—The wanderer

This unique guy attempts to find work that feeds him. This man takes some bold risks and is pretty adventurous. This guy is wandering, unclear of what to do and only takes jobs to support his lifestyle. He is pretty ambivalent about work and money, but knows there is more to life than work.

This guy often takes a low paying job supposedly “doing what he loves” but ends up doing it for a long time which leads to him feeling “stuck.”

These guys often work in the restaurant business, ski industry, retail clothing and other “service industry” related  jobs. This guy may be rebelling against what man A-C do, but is equally unhappy. (This was me).

Some men like their work, good for them

Now, to be fair, all of these types of men have the potential to be fulfilled with their work and plenty of these men are happy, fulfilled and excited about the work they do and the situation they are in. Good for them. We are not talking about them, however. We’re talking about you.

It begins to make sense why men choose career paths that they do. Which man out of the four are you? What do all of these men have in common?

Did you do what you were “supposed to do” or needed to do?  Did you stop looking for what really inspired you and so you settled? Perhaps while at the station, you just got on the career building train and found it hard to exit.

The most common theme between these men is that they let external stressors such as starting a family, debt from student loans or credit cards, a mortgage, and other peoples expectations, drive their behavior. This is known as having “external motivation” as opposed to intrinsic (or internal) motivation. And this kind of thinking is understandable.

As you know, once you are on the train and the further from the station you travel, the harder and harder it becomes to get off the train. You followed the crowd and they were on the train too!

The longer and further from the station, the more you will override that tiny voice that knows it could be different. Most men have that voice. How loud that voice is depends on the man.

Commonly, instead of directing your energy to finding your life’s work, you put that life force into career development and management, even though you don’t absolutely love your job.

You may compare yourself to your peers and end up competing against them. Some men even quietly compete against their fathers as if to prove something.

Instead of seeking for and fighting for what truly gets you up in the morning, you put that same energy into goals within a job that doesn’t fulfill you.

So, mistake number one is that for whatever reason, you became a follower.

You chose to follow instead of lead.

REASON NUMBER 2- INACTION–You didn’t know what you want to do, you still don’t know what your calling in life is and you’re doing nothing about it.

The second biggest mistake a man makes is that he collapses in the face of “not knowing” and then does not take action to “right” the situation. In other words, he has a difficult time hanging in there with the agonizing process of discovering his true purpose.

He did not engage thoroughly in the self-inquiry that is required to know what his life’s work is.  Contrary to popular belief, it is possible to love your work, fight for it and even die for it.

We are all here to do a specific task. A task that only you can do. We each have a mission to serve on the planet. However, “I don’t know what I want to do” becomes a card a man will carry around to avoid the discomfort of the unknown.

The issue is not the unknown however, it is a your relationship to it. This is a fine point that may need review. Re-read that last sentence. Your relationship to the unknown is the problem, not the unknown itself. And, here is where you need to realize that your inaction has a big price (see reason 3).

Think about it. When you were 18-22, how many guys did you know that knew without a doubt what they wanted to do with their life? How many guys did you really trust when they said they knew?

The truth is that very few men actually know what their life’s work is by the start of college and even fewer are clear after college, (although it may look like they are clear from the outside and many want you to believe that they are clear).

So, if you don’t know what you’re supposed to do, then what do you do? As we talked about, you have a couple of choices. One is to collapse into the pressures around you and become a follower. Or, you do the intense work to find out what your mission is.

Some of you might be a leader within your organization, but you’re also a follower of someone else’s vision. You compete with other men to get a better, higher paying job, maybe with status or rewards such as a big paycheck.

You don’t want to lose the race up the corporate mountain. In that world, the later you start, the less leadership opportunities there are, the less you get paid, the less chance for advancement, etc. So, it makes sense why you just found a “good job.”

At the same time, it also makes sense why so many of you are simply not satisfied or fulfilled with the work you do.

Do any of these statements sound familiar?

• “It’s not really what I want to do, but it pays the bills.”
• “it’s a respected company.”
• “It’s not really my ideal job, but the benefits are good,”
• “hey, working for the man pays the bills.”
• “I don’t have time to find work I’m happy about.”
• “yeah, wait till you have a family and then let’s talk about your ideal job.”
• “yeah, I have a lot of freedom and I can make my own schedule.”

This kind of attitude is great if you want to play it safe. But imagine you’re on a sports team and this kind of attitude is up to bat. Are you an asset or a liability to the team?

It is unlikely that you will be a game changer in this scenario. However, if you have felt this way about some aspect of your life, like your career, there’s still time for a course correction.

After a while, this not knowing becomes a comfortable place to be and a great reason stop looking around. I say this sarcastically of course. Behind the scenes, men are in a lot of pain if they have a lame job.

Most men hate the unknown. Men like to be in control. But ask yourself, would you rather be in control and somewhat comfortable in a routine, predicting your schedule and not having to do a lot of guess work?

Or, would you rather find meaningful work wherein everyday you woke up stoked about the day? Excited for the challenge that you must tackle in front of you?

Some men even tell themselves, “we’ll I’m not really the adventurous type.” Pretty soon, this is part of a false identity that they begin to believe (Story, story, story).  Now, think back to when you were a kid, did you do the same thing day in and day out?

Did you play it safe? Or, were you seeing the world as a big adventure with limitless possibilities? Did you play games and always change the rules and make stuff up?

Chances are you were like most kids and you did a lot of exploring and experimenting, even as a teenager. So, what happened to silence that adventurous spirit in you? What made you stop exploring?

Second Mistake: You don’t know what to do and you’re frozen in not knowing.As a result, your lack of action is having a big impact on those who need your help.

REASON NUMBER 3- FEAR– Fear is at the root of your inaction

Fear is likely at the underbelly of such justifications as, “I don’t really know what I want to do for work” or “It’s a well-paid, stable job.” Try it on that fear drives much of your behavior.

Even “fearless” men have fear. It’s just that they don’t collapse around it. These bold men go into it, right into the center. Many men have a fear of success or a fear of failure. What about you?

Read any leadership book and they’ll talk about fear of failure or fear of success. Try saying these statements out loud and see which one fits:

• “I am afraid to fail”
• “I don’t want to look bad in my circle of friends”
• “I don’t want to be seen as incompetent”
• “I don’t know if I can do it.”
• “I’m afraid what I have to offer is not valuable.”
• “I have better things to do with my time”
• “What if ______________(your idea) doesn’t work?”
• “What if I don’t make any money?”
• “What if I’m not good at it?”
• “What if others judge me?”

The one thing in common in the above questions? FEAR! Fear, fear, fear. How much is fear running your life? Who cares if I fail? So what? What is the worst possible thing that could happen if you really followed your own truth?

A few pointers.

First, ask yourself these three questions:

1. What would I be doing if I knew I couldn’t fail?
2. What would I do if I was not afraid?
   
3. If I had to charge into battle in 5 minutes, what noble cause would I stand up and fight for right now? Who/What would I die for in this battle?

Chances are what you would be doing in these scenarios is different from what you are currently doing. If this is true, many men will immediately list the reasons why they are not doing what they really want to be doing. That’s fine, do that.

Next, take out a piece of paper and list all the reasons why following your own truth, your own mission wouldn’t work.

List them, seriously.

Following my truth just wouldn’t work right now in my life because:

Your reasons are good ones, I’m sure very valid. But let’s you and I recognize that when you rationalize, chances are that you are in fear. Try it on. Just try saying it out loud right now, “The reason I’m not fulfilling my true mission in life is because I’m scared.” What was that like? Is it true?

If it is true that you are scared to find and follow your own deep vision, what is it going to take for you lean in to your fear? What will it take for you to be able to relate to your fear and even learn something from it?

What is the worst that could happen if you put “finding my mission” at the top of your ‘to do’ list. What would it take from quietly being run by fear, to engaging in your life in a deeper way?

THE COST OF YOUR INACTION

When we don’t act there is always a price. Think for a minute about the price tag for you not finding and not living your true mission. What is it? Perhaps there is a cost to your family or friends. Maybe the cost is that those with whom you are here to serve miss out on your greatest gift? Maybe the big cost is that you feel like you are lying to yourself and that hurts.

Men who lack a sense of inner peace and feel  “out of sorts” deep inside regarding their calling must realize that this nagging feeling will never go away until you face it.

From my own experience, men that are not living their true purpose in life are simply less potent and less effective leaders. If you have a son or daughter, think about what you are indirectly teaching them by playing it safe.

Oliver Wendell Holmes said,

“Most of us go to our grave with our music still inside of us.” Is this going to be you?

So, the ball is in your court. Remember my car accident example in the first paragraph? Pretend a crisis is happening right now. If you can’t find a personal crisis, think about the global economic crisis. One if five men are out of work right now.  Pretend that you are needed.  Imagine that there are a lot of people that need you, your help. Will you collapse and run from the scene? What are you going to do to step up and serve?

Specifically, what next action step are you going to take toward discovering and living your life’s purpose? If you already know what your purpose is and are not living it, what steps will you take to get on it?

Write down 5 action steps you will take right now to begin this process and put time deadlines on each.

ACTION STEP                                                                                    DEADLINE

1.

2.

3.

4.

5.

So, NOW WHAT?

Good question. That depends on how deep your longing is, how serious you are about making changes, and what kind of man you want to be.

And, read these similar posts:

Know what you want.

Change that Sticks

Finding your Life’s Purpose

As many of you know, once you start engaging in personal development work, be it getting some coaching, going to therapy, or finding a spiritual path, many of your closest friends and family members might feel very uncomfortable with the “new you.”

Here’s a great example that some of you might appreciate, followed up with some useful tips.

Here’s my client’s question:

Last night I had dinner with my bro.  We got on the topic of “what the f*ck am I doing?” with all my time, going to spiritual talks etc.

My bro gave me a piece about, “You need to be clear with your friends what you’re doing since you are so out of touch, you need to be clear with Mom and Dad.  People need you/ want you back.  No one understands what is going on with you”.  I was patient for a while, and then I got angry and heated.  I started defending myself, fired up.

How have you dealt with friends and family who didn’t understand what you were doing during personal development work?  I offered my bro an answer from one of your blogs – “it may look selfish, but I’m trying to work on myself to be a better person”.  My bro said “what problems do you have – we were blessed growing up.  What are you angry about?  You shouldn’t be so angry.  Don’t feel bad”  Of course, this only stoked the flames even higher.

I’m feeling angry, pissed, locked up and helpless.  If you have any thoughts to share I’d appreciate.

So what is going on here?

This is a classic example of how other people are threatened by a man’s personal growth and evolution.

I remember this process vividly for myself. As I dove deep into my own personal development work and spiritual practice I heard comments like this: “We like the old Jay better than the new Jay.” or “Yeah bro, we were thinking about having an intervention with you,” as If I was an alcoholic or something.

In systems theory, when one aspect of any system changes, it disrupts the entire system or the homeostasis of the system.

As you change and evolve, the system, which is your old friends and family members, feels a threat and does it’s best to keep you in your old role. This happens largely unconsciously on their end. This can be one painful aspect of differentiating from your family.

If they were able to talk about it and had some skills, they might say things such as, “When you change and grow, I get scared because I no longer know how to be with you or relate to you.” or “When I can’t place you into the role I’ve always known you in, I feel threatened, scared, and uncomfortable.” or “I feel safe and secure knowing who I think you are and when you show me signs of something different, I feel very uncomfortable and I start to question myself.”

So, what to do?

Whether or not you understand them and their process is irrelevant.

You must make staying with yourself and your experience and much higher priority than getting their approval or having them understand you. It can be really tempting to try and change them or make them get it. But chances are they will never get it, or get you.

(Talk to gay men and women. Generally speaking, they know this landscape well. Specifically reach out to fearless gay people who have already faced the gauntlet of judgments/ridicule from others in their coming out process).

Here are a few pointers.

1.  Let go. Let go of wanting them to understand you and accept that they won’t. If you get lucky and they do, celebrate it.

2.  Feel your Feelings. Feel what arises in you around your family/friends not understanding or getting you. There may be a lot of anger, resentment, or deep grief and loss knowing that those whom love you the most understand and support you the least.

3.  Feel part 2. Feel your aloneness and the pain around that.

4.  Notice your need. Notice the part of you that still wants to be liked and accepted. Meet that need yourself and stop looking outside yourself for validation.

5.  Get a new community. Surround yourself with folks that do see you, understand you, and support your evolution. If I wanted to stay in the old me, I would hang around old friends that continue to box me in to who I used to be. If however, I want to grow, I must find folks who are growing also. Get a badass men’s group going.

6.  Set a boundary. Take some space away from those old friends/family members while you sort things out. Be direct with them and let them  know you are going away for a while. Do this as consciously as possible. If you need to stop returning phone calls because it feels too hard, give yourself permission to do that for while until you get clear on how to communicate with them.

7.  Make a request. If you family/friends blame you or tell you “Don’t feel angry etc…” request that they not tell you how to feel. In the above example, my client’s brother was very invalidating. Hear him out, then make a request.

8.  Be direct and tell them how you feel. Stay with yourself without judging them. For example, my client could say, “I’m feeling angry, pissed, locked up and helpless. I feel completely unseen and unsupported by you right now.”

9.  Set another boundary. If your family/friends continue to invalidate you because they lack the skills to dive into what is really going on for them, let them know that you are no longer willing to be spoken to that way and you need a break from the relationship for a while. Put a timeframe on it.

10. Own your shame. If you feel shame or embarrassed by your new growth kick, own that. It’s normal. Know that there is also a part of you that doesn’t want you to grow or change. Stay in relationship with that part of yourself.

11. Be fearless. If all else fails, be true to yourself and your path. F*ck everyone else. It’s time to stop giving a shit what others think of you. We don’t have time to “convince” anyone of what we are up to.

When you work on yourself in a genuine way, plan on pissing others off. Plan on losing friends. Plan on the worst. And, if you get support, welcome it.

Roll up your sleeves and change anyway. Continue to be fearless and follow what you know will serve you and the greater good.

See also Isn’t personal growth just selfish?

Ever feel stuck, alone, unsupported and lacking follow through? Do you still think doing it all by yourself is working?

Well, now might be a good time to get off the couch and start a men’s group. A wha..???

Listen to the New Man Podcast for a fun conversation with Tripp Lanier and me about what a men’s group is and how it might serve you. Click here to listen.

Until now, there has been no up-to-date “how to” guide to help you get a group going. I can’t tell you how many emails I get asking about how to get a men’s group going and what to do. To meet the need, Tripp and I have been working for the past few months and have produced what we think is a powerful product– “How To Start and Lead a Men’s Group.”

In my own life, a men’s group has saved my ass and helped me step up my game in all areas of my life. Having a group of men that have my back has been critical to my own success and fulfillment. More on the value of a men’s group here.

The great thing about a men’s group is that it is basically free. Once you get a group going, it can be free accountability and support for the rest of your life, seriously.

Just follow this link to explore more about how a men’s group can help you.

If you would rather have a group facilitated for you or you want hands on support, feel free to sign up for my leadership training here or get a few guys together and fly me out to your city or town and we can set up a weekend intensive as I did in Chicago recently.

Despite what you father did or told you, there is no need to go it alone anymore. Or, continue to go it alone and see what kind of results you get compared to other men who are getting an accountability, challenge, and support. Observe and take note.

Courtesy of J. Wondrusch

Many of you are still walking around with grudges and hang ups about old loves, shameful high school or college behavior, and untrue beliefs about who you are.

A lot of you claim that you want better relationships. You want to feel more fulfilled and impactful in the world. You want to have deep connections with women and others. You want to be less hard on yourself. You want to feel more free.

If any of these ring true, an important step in developing yourself as a man is to clean up your past and update the files.

Most guys have a database full of old junk in their hard drive and they leave it there, thinking it will just go away. But like a computer, it just slows down the RAM. It clogs up the efficiency of your system. Then, when you are in your late 40′s or 50′s your system begins to break down.

When many men have the balls to work on themselves, one of the first discoveries they make is they have a lot of unprocessed stuff in their psyche. Call it baggage. Call it dirty laundry. Call it a busy desk top full of old crap. Basically it is like an old garage full of cobwebs, garbage, and boxes that are filled with stuff you’re hanging onto or stuff you are too lazy to get rid of.

If you can relate….

You might want to consider feng shuiing yourself. Fung what?  What is feng shui? Without getting too new agey on you, it is a process of having a clean and clear environment so you can move more freely in your space.

Think of your work desk having piles and piles of paper, junk mail, and old crap on it. Then think of a clean desk with nothing on it but a laptop and a clean sheet of white paper. Which is more conducive to getting things done?

So, stop keeping your past at bay. Stop pretending that it isn’t there. It’s with you in each moment and believe it or not, it affects all of your relationships.

Contrary to popular beliefs, you don’t have to “dig up the past” and feel like shit. What I am talking about here, is acknowledging the places that still haunt you. Places inside your being that bug you, gnaw at you, and trip you up in present-time situations. If there is something from your past that does not cause you or another person any suffering, then leave it be.

But how do I get my Feng Shui on?

1. Start by making the following commitment:

Commitment 2 (of the 10 commitments of manhood)

I commit to engaging in my shadow and blind spots. I commit to receiving ongoing feedback about whatever is unconscious in me and using practices that help bring it into the light. At the same time, I will also no longer “bury” my past and pretend I’m over it. If something from the past is lingering, I will address it.  I will “update” the files on myself and others.

2. Then, be willing to go into the dark corners of the garage in your psyche. Focus on the areas that trip you up.

3. In the 12-step world, they call this process “making amends” It involves step 8, 9 & 10.

4. Do a life inventory and see if this helps you get clear about what areas to focus on.

5. Learn from my example. Here is one corner of my life where I hurt others in a big way. Read about how I began to clean it up here.

6. Take full responsibility for where you caused harm to others or to yourself. Acknowledge this with another person or in a men’s group.

7. Review any limiting beliefs you may have about yourself and update those old bullshit tapes.

8. Take note of all the times you have betrayed your own integrity and make a commitment to stop doing that.

Report back.

Notice if the quality of your day to day routine changes as you start to clean out the old crap. Notice what it is like to have a clean and clear head space. How does this impact your relationship to yourself and to others?