The other day I sent out a call for feedback for men everywhere (Stay tuned…). My request was for one sentence from anyone and everyone. Interesting that several women completely disregarded the “one sentence” rule and just went for it.

Here is one poignant example from my friend Nomali who wrote to us men exquisitely. She came up with her own introduction to it. I have not edited a thing and have received her permission to post it. I was deeply inspired upon reading her note and feel as though it may serve you. Thank you Nomali!

Notice yourself as you read this. Are you skeptical? Do you allow her words to penetrate you? Do you contract because of you are afraid to let her in? Does the spiritual tone sound too much for you? Or are you grateful for a woman that shares her vulnerability with you? What would it feel like for a woman to actually speak to you in this manner?

If you are a man hungry for more in intimacy and relationship, let this be a love letter beckoning you to show up and go deeper.

Painting My Lover: Men – Women – Me – You – Who?

by Nomali Perera

Crazy-ass long mad thing I suddenly found myself writing after I saw a posting by Jayson Gaddis of “Revolutionary Man” (What Is Your Constructive Feedback For MEN? – http://tinyurl.com/yh46lyj). This is waaaaay too long for what Jayson Gaddis is looking for. I mostly just found myself writing more about myself than men and so, this is just my note. And please know that this is MY letter. I am not speaking for other women. I am also not directing this at any one man. And sometimes I am guilty of what I complain about. I know it and am honest about it. Why did I really have all this gushing out of me? I have no idea. Maybe just because I am a woman. And sometimes, I just shamelessly gush.

————————–

The good news?

A major film has been made about men’s groups. It’s called, quite simply, Men’s Group. You can watch the trailer below.

The fact that an actual big screen movie was made to document the power of a men’s group is pretty freakin’ cool.

Moreover, the movie’s  characters are compelling. In my view the men in the film represent a large majority of men who are shut down and scared of true male connection.

The bad news?

It is a good example of how NOT to run a men’s group. If any man sees this expecting that this is how to run a men’s group, you are terribly mistaken.

This is somewhat tragic. If I were a guy out there who was a little scared of joining a men’s cirlce, this movie would close the deal as a “no way” for me.

Bad leadership, resistant participants, major withholds, zero accountability, hurtful feedback and an overall unsafe container with no trust is how this group is run.

All of that said, the movie is quite riveting.

Make sure you watch Paul Whyte below, the man who was the inspiration for this movie, as he  says this about the movie, “Men’s Group is my list of what you don’t do in a Men’s group.” (At 2:17 if you want to fast forward to hear him). Ha, ha. I’m glad he said that.

Paul, clearly knows what it takes to run a good men’s circle. My friend Warwick Marsh with http://fatherhood.org.au/ and the man who runs the International Men’s Day website, said that the director of the movie took Paul’s idea and ran with it to make it a good movie.

Who knows, some men’s groups out there might a be very boring movie. I’m certain that my men’s group would be a powerful movie that would serve men everywhere. What about yours?

While this movie is a great drama and shows the shadow (dark side) of men and their fear of intimacy, it is definitely not the way to run your men’s circle. For that reason alone, it is absolutely worth watching.

You can purchase it here.

Easy.

He, like you and me, is human. And it just goes to demonstrate that you can have all the money in the world and be famous beyond belief and still have many, many issues that you would rather no one know about. Tiger Woods having one or more affairs behind his wife’s back is no surprise.

From John Edwards to Martin Luther King Jr, no one is above relationship challenges.  No one is above the human condition. That’s the good news for all you men out there who think you can act perfect and hide your issues.

If you are in a long term relationship or married, you realize that challenge is simply part of the terrain. You also realize that if you want a dynamic relationship, you must face the challenges and invite change. If you have kids you know that challenges increase and change is even more inevitable. Any new father knows that life becomes radically different when a child enters the equation.

As a new Dad, I personally have faced some big challenges such as sleepless nights, money issues, and the onslaught of soiled diapers. But as a new parent, the biggest of challenges have come in my relationship with myself and with my wife.

My wife and I work very hard on our relationship and are committed to evolving and growing. Our marriage vows serve our individual needs and aspirations toward this unfolding process. Why? So, we don’t slip into a comfortable, mediocre, business relationship where we just co-parent and act like roommates.

The roommate trap

While I doubt Tiger Woods fell into being “roommates” with his partner due to his rigorous schedule, I’m sure they fell into some dynamic that allowed both of them to avoid their connection and whatever was “in the way” of them getting real and getting honest.

Men who do not attend rigorously to their marriage will eventually settle into a complacent relationship wherein both parties stop growing and agree to play it safe.

Add a new kid into the family, and the temptation to put your relationship on the back-burner steadily grows. A new child is very demanding and needs full attention from one or both parents. But to use my kid as the reason I am not close with my wife is a cop out. If a couple continues to use this excuse, the gap between them will continue to widen.

I recently read a great article in the New York Times about a couple, with two young kids, who finally decided after nine years of “good” marriage to deepen and make it better by going to therapy and workshops. The wife had sensed much more was possible. The husband was pretty ambivalent at first but went along with it.

In their “good” relationship, the husband focused all his attention on becoming a master chef at home, spending hours and hours in the kitchen while the wife tended to the bills and kids. They didn’t outwardly agree to this, it just happened over time. As the husband got honest, he realized cooking was his way to avoid his wife, their intimacy, and his own discomfort in the marriage. She discovered she was avoiding also by attending to her “role.”

They also discovered that the way they related was serving a function– their sarcasm with one another was “protecting uncomfortable feelings” and stifling their intimacy.

It seems commonplace that over time, new parents unconsciously and quietly agree to be co-parents, pals, and roomies, thus staving off any juicy intimacy that might be possible otherwise. The classic example that is still quite common is that Dad settles into “worker, provider guy” and Mom settles into stay-at-home-Mom.

Within and beyond your roles, how good is your marriage really? Ask yourself what kind of long-term partnership do you want? If you are honest with yourself, are you going as deep as you could go? Have you ever fully revealed yourself to your partner? How much do you hold back in the bedroom? Are you using your new child(ren) as a way to avoid your wife and avoid deepening with her?

Is Cheating Inevitable?

What really happens to the intimacy when a new kid arrives? Is cheating common? What is it that really makes a man cheat on his wife? What is really going on here? If blame can’t be placed on the new child, then who is responsible?

Just the other day, I went to a friend’s place to help him and his wife dialogue about their struggling marriage. Their child is 3 and they continue to have big relationship challenges. My friends are choosing the seemingly steep climb to greater depth and connection. Honest couples get honest about what is going on and work with it. This takes tremendous courage and a willingness to tell the truth. Most couples avoid, avoid, avoid.

I work with many men who have cheated, some openly, others secretly. Most have huge shame and carry enormous guilt about it, even while continuing to do it.

First, try it on that cheating is always a symptom of something going on underneath the surface.

According to Gary Neuman who wrote The Truth About Cheating, “cheating rarely has anything to do with the woman being unattractive.” In fact, according to Gary Neuman 88% of the men he interviewed for his book said that the other woman “wasn’t better looking or in better shape than their wives.”

I mention this because a lot of men might initially place blame on their wife. She isn’t X enough or she’s so Y.

So, what is cheating?

Wikipedia defines Cheating as

“an act of lying, deception, fraud, trickery, imposture, or imposition. Cheating characteristically is employed to create an unfair advantage, usually in one’s own interest, and often at the expense of others,[1]”

In the case of a marriage or monogamous relationship, cheating is leaking your energy elsewhere. A lot of men will justify “leaky” behavior as “I’m just flirting.” or “I didn’t sleep with her, so it’s fine.” But you have to be really, really honest with yourself.

Cheating can be emotional, energetic, or physical.

For example, years ago I had an emotional affair with another woman. At the time it felt innocent and like it was no big deal. And when my girlfriend at the time sniffed it out, I tried to downplay it and move on. Later after receiving some hard feedback from trusted men in my men’s group and a gifted therapist, I owned up to the fact that I had in fact crossed a line and betrayed her.

I discovered that I was angry at my girlfriend and felt judged by her. So, by having an emotional affair and leaking with this other woman, I could indirectly say “fuck you” to my girlfriend because deep down I was hurt.

So, an emotional affair is where you might lean on another woman for support to discuss your relationship challenges. Women often seem safer than men to discuss relationship stuff. Men often go to a female co-worker or friend to vent (another great reason to have solid man friends and a men’s group).

A physical affair is quite obvious and involves physical contact with another woman where there is some sexual charge. Kissing, intercourse, oral sex, long leaky hugs, etc.

An energetic affair can be where you fish for flirting situations. You leak out your interest or see if another woman is interested just passing by at the airport, coffee shop, or bar. You might even use the internet to leak out your sexual energy by cruising someone’s facebook profile or surfing porn.  An online or in-person energetic affair can eventually lead to an emotional or physical affair.

Now, this is not to say a guy doesn’t “look” and can’t “look.” But to me that is different. It’s all in your intention and where your awareness is going. If you have a solid relationship, then any kind of “checking someone out” is going to be a lot less harmful or threatening. But if your relationship is built upon a shaky foundation, any instance where you leak your sexual energy out is an invitation for a fight and hurt feelings.

According to Neuman’s research:

• 1 in 2.7 men will cheat, and most of their wives will never find about it.
• 92% of men say that affairs aren’t primarily about sex.

Yikes! But why?

Why do Guys Cheat?

According to marriage counselor Gary Neuman, men cheat because of:

• Loneliness in their relationship or marriage.
• Affirmation from “the other women.”
• Not enough attention at home.

I would add that new Dads might cheat because of:

• Fear. Fear of intimacy, fear of failure, fear of being seen, fear of being hurt. Fear of hurting your partner.
• Anger. Unowned, unexpressed anger about some issue in the relationship
• Disconnection. Feeling no or little connection.
• Irritability with oneself and one’s situation
• Sexually frustrated. Perhaps your wife doesn’t find you attractive or refuses to have sex with you. Pretty soon, you might start looking elsewhere instead of dealing with the issue.
• Feeling left out. Some new dads report feeling “left out” because Mom and newborn are bonding so much. Dad starts to feel ignored and neglected.

Sadly Neuman says that “The number one reason men cheat is that there’s an emotional disconnection in the relationship. Husbands or partners feel underappreciated, and report a lack of thoughtful gestures. They’re lonely in their marriage.”

Here’s the deal. If you are unhappy in your marriage or your relationship, get off your ass and do something about it. If you are “underappreciated” or “disconnected” then get connected, get in the game. Stop waiting for your wife or partner to make the first move. Stop complaining and playing the victim. Take full responsibility today or you might end up with your tail between your legs like Tiger.

The only reason I have ever cheated on any girlfriend or had “emotional affairs,” was because something was “off” in the relationship and in myself and I was unwilling (and scared shitless) to address it.

The issue is quite simple. There is a relationship challenge or obstacle, and guys who cheat don’t want to address it, face it, or confront it. They would rather emotionally and physically “exit” the relationship. They “leak” energy outside the monogamous relationship.

So, why did Tiger Woods cheat?

It’s anybody’s guess, but in my eyes, he was obviously scared to address some issues before things got out of hand.

To me cheating is not the issue. Remember it’s a symptom. What set this behavior off? What was it that Tiger was feeling, experiencing, and wanting that he did not speak to? What was he so afraid of?

Tiger still has a real opportunity to “teach” his new children about love and about the challenges of relationship. But sadly, I don’t trust him to do that. He doesn’t have to. He can just keep playing golf, making great cash and people will likely forgive him. But most of us are not Tiger.

It’s time for men to Man Up

Remember this is not about staying together or acting “good.” Religious approaches to staying married simply don’t work. This is about getting real and being willing to tell the truth, no matter how painful to yourself first, then your partner.

When I work with couples, it is often the woman who drags the man into counseling or relationship coaching. This is sad but generally true. Why? Dudes don’t want to admit that they struggle or that something is wrong.

How could such a champion be so incompetent in relationship? Well, relationship is a lot more challenging for Tiger than golf. It is humbling for us to see such a champion brought to his knees and reveal his inadequacies and shame. Remember, he’s human like you and me.

I doubt Tiger will make a vow to be as good at relationship as he is at golf. But you can. If you still have something to learn about relationship and intimacy, practice being a student, take some classes, get some coaching and learn.

It is possible to have an amazing marriage and relationship. It took my wife and I about four years of intense counseling, coaching, mentoring to get to a place of profound intimacy. We hit a plateau and now we both want to go further. So, we are diving in and being students again, learning, opening, and making space for the magic of our connection to penetrate us both.

Relationship is an ever changing sea of chaos, uncertainty, love, pain, loss, and intensity. That is, if you engage it fully.

What to do?

So, if you are in a struggling or challenging marriage or relationship and you genuinely want it to be different, do something about it. Or, if you are in a good marriage, but know there can be more spark, more juicy sex, more profound love, get off the couch and take full responsibility for going after what you want.  Don’t pretend like you have your marriage handled if you don’t.

• Stay focused on your own growth and change. Do your own individual work. If your partner won’t agree to seek help, just work on accepting that and work to change yourself. Don’t get sucked into trying to fix your partner.
• Get professional help. I mean really good professional help. There are so many crappy relationship therapists, counselors, and coaches out there. Find one you instantly trust and feel safe with. It’s okay to ask for help. It’s okay to ask for help. It’s okay to ask for help.
• Get feedback from trusted friends and your men’s group. I’m not talking about friends who give lame advice. I’m talking about friends who have no agenda for you, save you being true and honest with yourself.
• If your relationship is going well, celebrate it–regularly!!
• If you divorce or leave the relationship please know and understand that your issues will follow you. You will find yourself in a similar situation unless YOU change. Try it on that you are the person with the relationship issue. That’s the good news. Knowing this gives you the freedom to do something about it.

Step 1. Get clear on why you want to be a part of a men’s group. What is your intention? What are you hoping to get out of it? How do you see a group of guys serving and supporting you?

Step 2. Find other men who want to be in a group that both challenges and supports for mutual gain and mutual service.

Men ask me all the time where to find guys like themselves. Men also confess that they want more depth with their male friends. They report that their male buddies don’t get real enough, don’t call bullshit on them, or they just keep everything on the surface.

So, in an effort to help you find these like-minded men I’m going way out on a limb and make some big generalizations and risk getting some potentially negative feedback about it from you.

Guys who are open to a men’s group are generally the same guys who are open to personal growth, self-help and personal development stuff.

Where do I find these men? At locations where these events, services and programs occur. Retreat centers, yoga studios, workshops, new age bookstores, natural food stores, etc.

Another great place to meet like-minded men in your area is to attend a workshop that has to do with wellness, healing, mens work, etc.

Ultimately, you have to ask yourself, “What kind of guys do I want in my men’s group?”

Next, determine the demographics:

• 6-12 men is a good size. I prefer larger. That way if 1-3 guys are absent, there is still a good number of men present and ready to go for it.
• Age Range? My group has men between 30-60. It’s a well rounded group with a huge set of life experiences. Everyone is a teacher and everyone is a student and each man has that attitude.
• Sexual orientation? Ethnic and cultural background?
• Religious affiliation? For example, if you are a Christian guy, do you want an all Christian men’s group? Might it better serve you to find a Muslim, a Buddhist, a Mormon and a Jewish guy to be in your group? Again, how are you wanting to be pushed? How do you want to grow?

Step 3. Put up a flyer in locations where the kind of men you want in your ground hang around. Churches, gyms, meditation centers, yoga centers, and health food stores can be good places to start.

Step 4. Set a first meeting time and location. One of the guy’s houses is appropriate. A contained place somewhere with privacy. Borrow a friend’s studio, loft, big office, or church room.

Step 5. Have your first meeting. Sit in a circle facing each other.

Step 6. Determine your structure. Use this first group to get on the same page. Ask yourself these questions:

• What is your group purpose?
• What is the vision or direction of your group?
• What is the commitment to attend? Timeliness?
• How often do we meet? Where? When? For how long?
• Leadership: Do we pick a new leader every time? What about a time keeper?

Step 7. Consider creating a curriculum to follow or find another men’s group and ask them how they run their group. Feel free to email me and stay tuned for a men’s group curriculum ebook coming soon on this website.

The best way to get the most out of a group is to stay in the present, here and now of each man’s experience. When guys just report out about how their life is going, it does not quite pack the punch as a man sharing about himself in the moment as he looks around the room.

Step 8. Always come back to your purpose. What are hoping to get out of this group? Review the purpose and value of a men’s group post to get some ideas about what to focus on.

Step 9. Consider hiring a skilled facilitator to come in for a few groups and run the group. This is hugely beneficial and can give you a taste of what is possible if you stay on target with good facilitation. It also can help f you get stuck or lack leadership.

What if I live in a small town and no other guys are around? Email me and if I get enough men interested, I will start an online men’s group for you guys. You can also comment below and invite other men to email you.

Buy this Product How To Start and Lead A Men’s Group

An online group can still be effective, but has obvious challenges. However, through edufire.com, there are possibilities. Either way, it is possible to have more quality, bad ass men in your life who will love you enough to call bullshit on you and support you toward your highest Self!

What other thoughts do you have? What has worked? Not worked?

A world with more men’s groups is a better world!

Good luck and feel free to comment here.

For the past eleven years I have led wilderness rite-of-passage trips with boys and men. I have even led leadership workshops at fraternity conventions with 1000+ men. I have spent thousands of hours with just men in a variety of settings.

But nothing quite compares to what happens when 8-12 guys sit in a circle and get real.

I have been in a men’s group for the past five years and these guys have witnessed me in all my colors. They have supported me and challenged me through two breakups, marriage, fathering a kid, building a business and much more.

From 2009-2011, I  led a six month men’s group called the Men’s Leadership Training to see what is possible when a small group of men collaborate and really work on themselves toward a greater purpose.

What about you? When was the last time you got real with another man and showed yourself to him? When was the last time another man called you on your bullshit? When was the last time you sobbed in front of another man?

Purpose & Value of a Men’s Group

In my view the purpose of any men’s group is multi-faceted. Likewise, the value is not only very subjective, it runs many layers deep. Try joining one and see what value you receive.

In a nutshell, men’s groups are about getting four things in your life: Clarity, Accountability, Challenge, and Support. Read more here.

I have recently pinpointed what I call the nine P’s in men’s personal development that are essential for a man to know and learn if he is to grow and evolve. And, the nine P’s apply to men’s groups.

The nine P’s

Partnership. This is the biggest “P” of all. This is about relationship. Ever heard of a business partner? An accountability partner at the gym? A partner for life? Like it or not, a men’s group is a committed partnership. Even if you don’t like a guy in your men’s group, you get to practice being in partnership, in relationship, with him. You are there to hold each other accountable to what you say you will do.

When you join a men’s group, you make a commitment to the men in your group to stay in the fire of the relationship without bailing out. For most guys, when things get hard, they just leave. For guys in a serious men’s group, they get in the ring and stay in the ring. When it’s time to leave, it gets talked about directly.

Power. Most men just don’t have access to their full conscious power as a man. Men’s groups help you get in touch with your full power–express it, share it and be witnessed in it.

Purpose. A common thread in a men’s group is the common purpose which we are discussing here. But within the context of the group purpose is each individual purpose. Do you know why you are on the planet? What is your life’s purpose? A men’s group can help you explore this.

Presence. A men’s group without presence is a big fat waste of time. It’s just another intellectual discussion about concepts. When men learn to become present with their experience in the moment, they are more likely to feel and more likely to be congruent. In a men’s group, you learn tools to help you “get present.”

Principled. Essentially, this means integrity. You do what you say you will do because you know your values and where you stand. You know yourself well enough to have principles. However, contrary to a lot of men, these are constantly evolving to support your evolution as a man.

Practice. Men’s groups are all about practice for the real world. Just like a basketball player practices free-throws so he is more likely to sink them in the big game, when men practice being authentically themselves, they are more likely to stay authentic and open in the real world.

For example, I might practice saying something hard in my men’s group to another man, so that I have more confidence to say it to my boss the following day.

In a group of guys in this context, you practice:

• congruence–(thoughts, words, & actions all line up)
• being authentic (being who you really are without hiding)
• taking responsibility
• openness, open heartedness (really listening to, and understanding, others)
• feeling your feelings
• speaking your truth & skillful communication (i.e. dealing with conflict)

Prayer. Yup, prayer. I’m not religious, but I am a spiritual dude. Prayer may happen in the beginning or end of a group. Shout outs to whatever you believe in or to someone you love. Asking for guidance, wisdom for yourself, the men in the circle or sending a prayer to someone you love.

Possibility. Ah yes, what is possible for you and each man in the group? Individually? Collectively? More on possibility here.

Play. A group of guys getting together in this way can be very serious. That’s why we need to lighten up in every group and have some fun. This can happen before, during or after your group. I’m a serious guy, so play is critical for me to stay open to my smile, to my laughter and to having fun with bros I care about.

For example, the men’s group I’ve been in for the past five years just implemented a monthly night to celebrate together and play together.

Why Not Turn To Women For Support?

It is a common experience among men to go to their girlfriends or wives for support, emotional or otherwise. Women get tired of this dynamic. They don’t want to be your lover and your mother. Women tell me all the time how they wish their partner had more quality man friends.

Only seeking support from women is a slippery slope. That is why it is critical to get some honest feedback from your fellow men. We need support and wisdom from both sexes if we want to grow as men.

What Men’s Groups Are Not:

Don’t worry, men’s groups are not group therapy, although they can be very therapeutic. Men’s groups are not a bunch of guys sitting around a fire singing Kumbaya. Men’s groups are not a bunch of weird freaky men just talking about their feelings (although I can be weird and freaky and talk about my feelings).

Men’s groups are definetly not for dudes who would rather keep things very much on the surface and who are afraid of intimacy, although a group can help with that guy’s fears.

Remember, a men’s group is for a brave man who is willing to face the music of his own life. There are men’s groups all over the world right now, each with it’s own unique flavor and purpose.

A men’s group can be a great support when you are going through a tough time in your life and need support. A men’s group can also be a place where you celebrate the victories in your life with great people and explore what is possible in your life. Listen to a few men discuss the value of a men’s group here.

Ultimately, a men’s group will challenge you to be who you are without hesitation, reservation or apology so that you can be the powerful guy you are who is free, fulfilled and full of energy to serve the world.

So, How And Where Do I Start?

Read the next post on how to start a men’s group

And, check out this how to guide— “Men’s Group 101, How To Start and Lead A Men’s Group.”