what is your favorite intro personal/spiritual growth book you recommend to a person fresh on the path?

The responses where a wide range from Dr Suess to Ken Wilber. And, there’s some great suggestions in here. I numbered the responses so that you can recommend a number or two to a person and refer them to this list.I also left the comments there as some folks had helpful things to say.

Here’s the list:

1.  Zen mind, beginner’s mind.
2. or something from alan watts.
3. or even siddhartha by herman hesse.
4. zen and the art of motorcycle maintenance.
5. The Untethered Soul by Michael Singer.
6. Chop Wood, Carry Water…
7. A New Earth by Eckhart Tolle
8. Fresh on the path? I would say something by Dr. Suess
9. The Book. Alan Watts.
10. When love meets fear” by David Richo
11. Books by Pema Chodron or Cheri Huber
12. “loving what is” by Byron Katie,
13. Diamond Heart Series by A.H. Almaas
14. The Alchemist
15. ‎”The Work,” Byron Katie.
16. Malidoma Some – Of Water and Spirit
17. The Laws of the Spirit by Dan Millman… it’s good start on what could be difficult and esoteric kind of subject matter and it’s an easy entertaining read.
18. Poetry by Mary Oliver, or
19. The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle
20. Conversations With God (Book 1) by Neale Donald Walsch
21. Cutting Through Spiritual Materialism – Chogyam Trungpa
22. There Is Nothing Wrong With You by Cheri Huber
23. Pretty much anything by Richard Rohr. Simplicity: The Freedom of Letting Go is probably a very good choice.
24. Way of the Peaceful Warrior by Dan Millman.
25. Conversations With God – Walsch….popped into my head
26. On The Road. Jack Kerouack!
27. The Power of Intention.
28. Codependent no more
29. One Dharma by Joseph Goldstein
30. Letters to a Young Poet” -Rainier Maria RIlke
31. Hands down: Dancing in the Eye of Transformation, 10 Keys to Creative Consciousness by Sylvia Brallier one of the most approachable and easy-to-digest resources for personal and spiritual growth I’ve ever seen while still be thorough with a bit of a sense of humor!
32. Siddartha
33. Conversations with God…changed my life!
34. The 4 Agreements would be another major one that is really easy to read and digest.
35. Any Joseph Campbell, I love The Power of Myth. “Follow Your Bliss”
36. Since it is their path i would consider going with them to a bookshop and let them choose what calls more to them. Its nice to gather people to discuss their impression on a book that was also important to us, but that is another idea. I would say let them choose and them share what they got out of it
37. Peaceful Warrior, Dan Millman
38. When Things Fall Apart by Pema Codron If their path was open to it
39. I agree with Allison on the power of now! It has taken a hundred times of listening to it to start to understand, but i think It’s great stuff
40. 7 Habits by Covey. That said, I just read the power of TED and it seems like it’s easy to digest for newbies.
41. Dharma Punx by Noah Levine.
42. Thinking back on it, though…the 3 books that did it for me were required reading for a Freshmen English class I begrudgingly took: “Freedom from the Known” by Jiddu Krishnamurti, “The Myths We Live By” by Joseph Campbell, and – surprisingly, or not – “Tropic of Cancer” by Henry Miller.
43. To add a few how about be here now ram dass, celestine prophecy, and the ordinary magic compilation…..
44. What a great list!! I am so going to write down all of these and re-read or check out new ones I’ve not read! I’ve been caught in that pre-occupation of life thing again and reading through these titles reminds me of a time when all this was new and I was a huge sponge taking it all in. Thinking back, the Celestine Prophecy was my very first read that put me on my path to following my own bliss nearly 20 years ago. Then Richard Bach, Dan Millman, Alan Watts, David Abram and more. But Joseph Campbell is my hero! ♥ him
45. Prometheus Rising” by Robert Anton Wilson; also, a few of those already mentioned, and “Dancing Wu-Li Masters”
46. I noticed a distinct lack of Leo Buscaglia shout-outs
47. Any Pema Chodron book
48. Wilber’s Brief History of Everything.
49. And the 4 agreements.
50. That Cheri Huber book is pretty great.
51. Trungpa’s Shamballa.
52. Power of Now – Eckhart Tolle
53. Core Transformation by Connirae Andreas.
54. The Road Less Traveled by Scott Peck
55. Personal Development for Smart People by Steve Pavlina

Any others? Please comment below and include why you like the book. Over time, I’ll add your comments to the list.

Photo by Josh Levin

This is going to seem like a no brainer, but it’s amazing to me how many guys out there have no idea what they want. What about you?

If someone asks you “What do you really want?” What is your response?

In the first session I always ask the men I coach “What do you want?”  Typically they think they know. After they describe it to me, I reflect back this fuzzy, vague picture back to them. They are often unclear whether it’s their short term vision or long term vision.

I ask, “Is that really your ideal?” Wow, is that all you want, seriously?

I have mentioned this in a few prior posts about finding your purpose and a recent post about lasting change.

So here is a simple technique to help you get very, very clear (I go into more detail in coaching someone).

The basic flow is this…

Step 1. Identify where you are. Hard to know what is next when you don’t even know who you are or where you are. Get your “self-knowledge” on.

Step 2. Get clear. The key here is to get very, very clear. The universe likes clarity. The more crystal clear you are, the more you are in touch with what you want and the more likely it is to happen.

I like to suggest a short term want list and a long term want list. In one year, I want…

In 15 years, I want…

I also suggest to do this process from a place that would have you very fulfilled and at peace internally. Don’t list “stuff” that makes your ego happy.

Step 3. Feel it and envision it. Think about waking up tomorrow morning and everything you wanted suddenly appeared. Everything. What would your day look like? What would you be doing? Where would you be working? Who else is in the picture? Wife? Kids? Close friends? A team? Or is it just you in solitude? Are you self-employed? Do you work in a community? Get as detailed as possible. Close your eyes, envision it, and feel it. Imagine having it. What does that feel like in your body? What emotional quality is there?

Step 4. Get it out. I suggest making a list of everything you want in great detail. Paint it, draw it, sing it, and even use a vision board.

Step 5. Share it. The more you “put it out there” the more likely it is to happen. Share it with close friends, your partner, or your men’s group. Get some honest feedback.

Step 6. Look at what is in the way. Not the potential road blocks that your mind creates about how impossible it will be, but the more subtle ways you will likely sabotage getting it. See diagram below…

Step 7. Get help. I don’t care who you are, you will not be able to do this part alone so get some accountability and support. Blocks and Blind spots can only be uncovered through feedback from a therapist, a coach, a shaman, a psychic, or a men’s group.

Step 8. Choose. Once you are clear and once you see the map in front of you, make a decision to go for it or not. Choice = power. Otherwise, you end up like most unhappy people who let life sort of happen to them. Passive = No power.

if you do decide to go for it, make a commitment to do “whatever it takes at whatever the cost” to get there!

Make a commitment to not be a bystander to your own life. Seriously.

Rock it. It’s your life and you have only one (as far as you can tell, right?).

He’s in his mid-thirties and has been miserable for years. Not happy in his marriage, not happy as a father, not happy in his job. The guy is in a ton of pain. Recently, he had some big breakthroughs and started to get honest, admit everything above, and begin the work toward a different life.

My client’s statement is not new and one I know well. I remember when I first started working on myself–going to therapy, evolving and growing. I was going through a ton of intense shit and no one in my family and none of my old friends understood or could relate. The label they gave me? Selfish and self-absorbed.

There was even bitterness in their voice. Many said it to my face with an extremely judgmental tone.

Wow. Here I was finally taking a look at my habitual, neurotic patterns that caused me, and others a ton of suffering, that might just make me a better person, and I received zero support or validation. Ouch. It was a painful time. For a lot of you, this attitude is what you are up against.

So, I want to settle this once and for all with you confused men out there that think to work on yourself is selfish and that that is somehow a bad thing. It’s understandable why you might be confused because in our culture, we get conflicting messages about what it means to be selfish.

On the one hand, there is permissible selfishness. If you are on a plane and it is going down, you are supposed to put the oxygen mask on yourself first before your child. You can’t save someone’s life if you don’t save yourself first.

On the other hand if you rush to the front of the line, you are selfish. If you talk about yourself a lot, you are selfish. If you don’t give to charity, you are selfish. If you spend money on yourself, you are selfish.

It seems what’s valued in this culture is acting “selfless” and hiding your selfishness, even though you can be selfish much of the time. In other words, you put on your mask in social situations by being a do-gooder.

For example you might put others first, even though deep down you don’t want to put someone else first. Maybe you are judging them, irritated by them, and in your heart, you may not really care that much about them. But you put on your happy face and act polite.

My client’s attitude is not uncommon. He believes that by helping his family and co-workers (most of which he said he didn’t like) while ignoring his own needs, everything will be okay.  For example, he believed he should spend no money on himself and direct it all to his family.

Some 12-step recovery programs can have a similar attitude. The saying goes that if you are feeling shitty, just help someone else and it will help you feel better about yourself. But ask yourself if you are drowning, do you want another person who’s drowning to be helping you?

The irony here is that once your basic needs are met, the more you can spend money on yourself (I’m not talking about superficial “stuff” like fancy shoes or a new car) such as your personal and professional development as a man, the more you will be available, open, and generous in other areas of your life.

There are a few ways to look at this. Let’s come at it from 2 different angles.

The conventional, mainstream view

The conventional, mainstream view is that working on yourself is selfish. Okay, so freakin’ what? Who cares? My response to this attitude? This is what I found myself saying a few years back and trying to convince my family and friends that I was doing the right thing…

“Good. It’s about time I started giving a shit about my own happiness. If I can figure that out, perhaps I’ll be much more pleasant to be around and perhaps more effective in helping others.

You say I’m a selfish SOB because I want to work through my blocks? I’m selfish because I finally am taking a look at some unfinished business in my life that I’ve suppressed, stuffed, and avoided? I’m selfish because I know that if I work on me, I’ll be a better man, lover, and friend? Great, call me selfish then.”

In this case I had to react, push back, and rebel against someone’s else’s view of me being selfish. At the time, it felt good.

The new view–redefine the term selfish

So, in the grand scheme of things, if you honor yourself, who cares what someone else labels you? Who cares if they call you a self-centered pig? If you know in your heart, you are doing your best to be the person that you know you are capable of being that is to be celebrated!

So, practice redefining what it means to be selfish. The new view is that by turning your attention inward and liberating yourself, you can liberate others. By loving yourself fully, you can love others. By attending to the garden of your own life in an ongoing way, you can give the fruits of your hard labor away for all to relish in. By judging yourself less, you will become less judgmental toward others. And on and on. To know this is to be free of another person’s judgments about how and where you spend your time, money, and energy.

But how to I put myself first if no one supports me doing it?

• Redefine selfishness as stated above.
• Begin to notice and evaluate all the ways you abandon yourself and what you want because you have some idea that you are “putting others first.” Pay attention to resentments you might have as a result.
• Have the balls to tell your loved ones why it is paramount you put more stake in YOU.
• In other words, take full responsibility for your life and put you FIRST. Go after what you want.
• Give yourself permission to take good care of yourself and be kind to yourself first and foremost.
• Consider that the more you put yourself first, the more happy and fulfilled you will become.
• Read the next post on Idiot Compassion versus True Compassion (coming in a few days).

The good news about my client? He’s more on track than ever to putting himself first and negotiating that with his family.  What about you?