Artwork by Bryce Widom

Okay friends. This post is inspired by Matt who listened to my interview on the new man podcast about rites of passage experiences (ROP). I get a lot of emails from men asking me this important question so let’s make this a dialogue.

It is important that I include part of my own journey, specifically the massive rite of passage I find myself in currently. Watch the video which covers a broad overview and some details about my own death/rebirth experience.

Next, tell us about what you have created in terms of a rite of passage for yourself? What has worked for you personally? What was missing?

Then read the basic steps below to begin creating your own ROP.

Here is Matt’s inquiry:

Heard you on the New Man show. What an awesome interview!

Turns out I actually have a rite of passage planned myself for this summer & if you wouldn’t mind guiding me with some of your expertise, I would sure appreciate it!

I’ll be hitch hiking across Canada on $0. My intention is to relate to myself as someone who can survive and even thrive in the world with nothing – and from there, create massive wealth for myself and the world.

Another part of this is I will be living off the kindness & generosity of the world & of others. I get a little weird around receiving & I want to explore what comes up for me around that.

(1) How can I integrate the wisdom passed down through generations on how to create a really powerful rite of passage?

(2) Is there anything i’m missing or things I’ve already incorporated I should make sure not to skip?

First, to understand why I believe men need a rite of passage or an initiation, read this post.

Any good rite of passage has 5 main components

1. The Call. Most men at some point in time feel a longing to go through something hard, to taste danger, death, and the unknown. If you have ever felt that longing, it is what Joseph Campbell describes as “the call to adventure” on the hero’s journey. For evolving men, this call is critical. Many of you have turned away from the call at certain points in your life. Many of you have turned toward the call and stepped into it fully.

If you never felt like there was a call for you personally, you were likely not paying attention.

2. Severance. This is where you must leave the comforts of your own home, community, tribe, and go off on your own. Even in modern day times, you can get away alone into the wilderness, meditate in a retreat cabin for months. However you don’t need to trot off into the wilderness alone like the movie Into the Wild. You can, in my case currently, engage in an urban rite of passage while staying within the framework of your life (family, job, etc). If this is the case, your “severance” will simply look differently.

3. Initiation. The initiation can take many months, many years or just a few hours. What are you being initiated into? There will always be a threshold you have to cross. What is it? What does it represent? Are you going from boy to man? Are you leaving the corporate world to discover who you really are? Whatever the case, you must cross a threshold of some kind in order for your initiation to move forward.

Within the initiation is the fourth component:

4. The ORDEAL. This is the crux of the ROP and where you must face some kind of mortality, death experience only to be reborn anew. This death can be an actual near death experience, or an ego-death, meaning a part of you dies or is let go of.

Be realistic. It is never what you think or want it to be. Even still, set an intention (see below). This is where I am right now in my life. In the middle of a birth canal of some kind.

As my bro Jeremy likes to say, “Everybody wants to be reborn, but not everyone is willing to die.” In other words, I want to the goodies, but I’m not willing to face my demons, my fears, or what might kill me. Any genuine ROP must have have an ordeal, a test, a challenge that really confronts the deepest, darkest aspects of yourself.

Sometimes in life, we don’t choose the ordeal, it chooses us. Such as the death of a loved one or a catastrophe that was out of our hands, or a major crisis of some kind. This then, if you choose to engage it fully, becomes the crucible to a deeper you.

Once on the other side of the ordeal, if you live to tell about it, is finding your way back bringing your gift.

5. The return. This is a critical component and one that many men blow. If you want to impact others by who you now are, you must come back, tell them, and more importantly show them who you are now. You are now different, altered in some way. Your community needs your gifts, your lessons, your new, fresh perspective. You have a gift to give in some way. It is your job to find out what you are bringing back, bring it back, and find out how you need to deliver it.

A few other key points to consider

Determine why you are wanting this. Why now? What is your intention setting out? What is the point? Are you really willing to surrender fully, partially? Get crystal clear on why are you setting out into the unknown.

Then, as my bro Dan Riggan once told me when we led four, back to back, 7-day men’s ROP wilderness trips together, set your intention and let it go. That’s right. Offer it up and be open to whatever experience you get. It will likely be very different than you wanted or expected.

For example, if Matt’s intention is “to relate to myself as someone who can survive and even thrive in the world with nothing – and from there, create massive wealth for myself and the world,” then he needs to consider what “death” needs to happen to step into this. What needs to die in me? What am I willing to let go of and burn forever? He might actually create a ritual within his journey to address this.

Since Matt also wants to explore receiving, more clarity is needed here. What qualifies as receiving? From who? Just because Matt might learn to receive from others on the hitchhiking journey, does that mean he’ll be more able to receive love from his family, lover, and friends? Learning how to receive love is a massive edge for me and most men.

Determine if you want others involved. How so? What is their role? I believe it is essential to have a few “mid-wives” that have gone down the path before you that will have some idea of what you are going through. Someone who can “hold you” through whatever darkness you might encounter.

A mentor is key here. It is also possible to get others on board so they can be doing their ROP concurrently. For example, maybe several men in your men’s group want to do a four day vision fast together. This is good for safety in the wilderness. If, on the other hand, you might want to go-it-alone. If you want to do a year-long journey and travel abroad alone, your set up and support system must be well calculated.

For Matt, who is holding him throughout the process? What kind of spiritual context, framework or undercurrent will assist him?

Determine the structure. Is it tight such as a month-long solo meditation retreat in a cabin? Or is the structure loose and open-ended like Matt’s? Is the wind going to take you or are you in the driver’s seat planning every step? Go after your growth edge. Do what is uncomfortable, new, and fresh for you. But stay away from stupid, irresponsible, impulsive acts.

Use the 5 steps above or look more into Joseph Campbell’s hero’s journey for an outline to your ROP.

The more embodied your journey the better. Being in your body will help you clear blocks, move through karma, and release old emotions. If you are not experiencing pain and great joy, something is likely off. If you don’t feel anything during your experience from tremendous highs to dark lows, then re-evaluate. I know plenty of meditators that just sit there and space out and think they are getting somewhere.

Having a daily practice of some kind, be it meditation, journaling, walking quietly, and other contemplative, body-present-centered practices faciliate a deeper journey.

What about illicit substances? If used consciously and in a ritualistic, respectful way, plant medicine such as peyote or ayahuasca can be massively transformative for truth seekers and courageous men willing to face their demons and their darkness to uncover their light. Plant medicine is only to be done under the guidance of trained shamans and elders who deeply know the power and potential consequences of their use.

Document your ROP. Bring a flip video or journal and keep track on things. Write about it, and share it live or later on. This way, others can learn from your experience.

What about you? Tell us about your ROP. What was it like? If you have never gone through one, what kind of ROP might serve who you are at your stage in life? What in you needs to die right now? What new aspect of yourself is wanting to emerge?

Please join our tribe of 8 men as they begin the process of going big and going deep. Stay tuned each week as I blog our progress and give some instruction. Want to change your life and become the man you are supposed to be? Then join us.

Starting May 2, 2009, eight lucky men will join me for an intense 108 day personal development training. Get ready to change your life in a radical way. The purpose of this Training?

The purpose of this 108-day rite of passage is five-fold:

1. This training will address the 5 Pillars of Being a Revolutionary Man (Chances are within these areas, you are holding back in some way. I will tailor the course to address your strengths and weaknesses. )

• 1.    Self Mastery/ Self Knowledge
• 2.    Service
• 3.    Leadership
• 4.    Fun/Play
• 5.    Community (relationships)

2. To nudge you to your edge. When a man is at his “edge” he’s alive and growing.

3. To challenge you to step up in your life and take specific action to be bolder, badder and burlier as a leader, father, son, husband, boyfriend and as a man. I am challenging you to change your life in a big way.

4. Having received the training, you will be a Man who will make a massive difference in others lives.
5. Help you find the personal freedom that some of  you are looking for.

Stay tuned each week as we dive further in to ourselves, our purpose, our power and our freedom.

I didn’t have this moment until I was 29 years old after a vision fast experience.

When you look around the world and take an honest assessment of your fellow man, what is your opinion? Do you think that most men are amazing leaders? Husbands? Dads? Do you believe men are being honest with themselves?

What if each man out there had a mentor? What if all men were connected to their purpose, their heart and their own inner authority? What if men went through an intense rite of passage somewhere in their late teens or early 20’s that tested every cell in them, where perhaps they faced death and found their life’s calling and became the man they are meant to be?

What is possible when men get really honest with themselves?

For the last ten years, I have been working to empower men to step up and into their greatness. Why? Because my own journey toward manhood was so confusing and caused so much harm to others.

The challenge men face today

Many men today are completely cut off from themselves, their heart and their compassion toward others. Many men have never received any true guidance about how to be a man, nor did they receive a formal initiation into what I call “conscious manhood.”

This problem affects all men, no matter their race, religious point of view, or socio-economic status.

Sociologist Michael Kimmel suggest that many men between 16-26 are trapped in what he calls “guyland.” It is a holding ground where young men can remain boys and never really grow up and when they need to, they can act like grown men.

My view is this: As a result of men not receiving formal initiation or training in manhood, these men stay stuck in guyland, where most of what they do is work a job with that is not fulfilling, become bystanders to their own life, and safely avoid the discomfort and truth of their own life. Here’s a great article about Men growing up to be Boys that really nails the problem.

When you look around, you can find many examples of grown men who act like boys or make incredibly self-centered decisions and abuse their power on a regular basis. Or other men, who are just asleep to the possibilities in their life. It’s like they are waiting for someone with more authority to tell them what to do.

Men are very confused and have an endless barrage of confusing messages about what it means to be a man and how to go about being one.  Read more about masculinity in mainstream cinema here.

Later in life, many of these men will experience heart disease, (the number 1 leading cause of death in men for the last many years in the United States), addictions, obesity, depression, divorce, and other chronic mental, emotional, and physical health problems.

As a result of no initiation and no guidance, men in this culture unconsciously seek out initiatory experiences that come from deep within their psyche. They “act out” by actively engaging in high-risk behaviors to meet this end, or they remain numb to their life. Look at gangs, sports culture, college fraternities, and cults.

I study men and work with men for a living. I watch countless men suffer unnecessarily.  It can be very difficult for men to “get real” and honest about where they are and where they want to be. With no formal initiation process when a man is young, and no mentorship, there is little guidance about where to go and what to do.

So, what would be possible if men were deeply connected to themselves and their own inner knowing? What if men had conscious male role models outside of movie stars, politicians and rock stars?

What kind of world might we live in?

The Solution for the today’s man

If men actually followed their heart (their own inner wisdom) and were taught how to be more conscious, there would be less violence, greed, corruption and bloodshed among one another. How do men get in touch with their deeper nature and truth?

But how does a man get more in touch with himself and his own wisdom?

Three main ways:

1. Initiation into manhood
2. Mentorship
3. A Men’s Circle

Initiation

Enter Joseph Campbell, a mythologist who did a renowned series of interviews with Bill Moyers on The Power of Myth. Campbell outlines what he calls “The hero’s journey.” George Lucas drew from this model when he made the Star Wars epic. The Lion King and the Matrix series were also modeled from the hero’s journey. I run my wilderness trips and trainings based upon this classic model.

The hero’s journey has three basic stages:  severance, initiation, and the return. Campbell asserts that in order to successfully move on to the next developmental stage in our life, we have to go through a rite of passage. Campbell also purports that the all hero’s journeys have one thing in common—the ordeal.

The ordeal is something challenging we must face and on the other side is the reward that we must bring back to our community.  For thousands of years, tribal and indigenous cultures initiate young boys into manhood through formal rites and rituals.

The entire intiation process leads a man toward deeper and deeper self-knowledge, the key to fulfillment and realizing one’s potential in life.

Let’s look at the popular film The Matrix. In the Matrix, the main character Neo (Keanu Reeves) was just a computer geek who worked for a lame firm and hated his job. Without “the call” toward something else, he would have been like many men—shut down, unhappy, bitter about life and stuck on the hamster wheel at a job he hates, growing increasingly bitter and resentful toward others and life in general.

Watch this brilliant 3 minute clip about the Matrix and the Hero’s Journey here with Christopher Vogler: (11 more detailed stages of the hero’s journey are revealed in this incredible synopsis)

Ironically men love the movie the Matrix. Men also love other guy flicks with the hero’s journey theme such as Star Wars, The Lord of the Rings, and Braveheart. Granted, these films tend to romanticize the hero’s journey to a adolescent degree where the hero saves the day. In a true hero’s journey, there’s not always a happy Hollywood ending.

And if we look to indigenous and traditional cultures, a formal initiation into manhood (the hero’s journey) is the one common thread in all of them. Within this, a boy must, and does, come face to face with himself, his mortality and his life’s calling.

In being initiated, the boy will receive some kind of training or transmission from the elders of the community about how to be a man in their village or tribe. Not only is the elders’ role pivotal, the separation from the mother is poignant and a necessary moment in a boy’s life. It’s not just left to father’s, teachers or coaches in the community, where in this culture these men often fall short.

The boy leaves the safety of the protective womb, his mother and village, and must be tested by the wilderness and the men in the community. As long as humans have existed, boys have been cast into a ritual in order to become a man. It was not uncommon for some boys to die and never come back. Without these trials and rituals, men are less likely to access the unique gifts inside them.

Do men in our culture have this opportunity? How does this all fit into our modern situation? Is it really necessary to face death and go through such ordeals? If it is true that initiation is a necessary step along a man’s journey, what happens if he does not receive an initiation?

It’s no wonder why so many men push themselves with extreme sports, workaholism, and high risk behavior. This was true for me, before I went through a long arduous initiation process. I was constantly seeking, searching, and questioning everything. By occupying their life with “filler” (stuff that doesn’t matter at the end of the day) me can safely avoid knowing who they are.

What about you? Are you hungry for a trial? How well do you know yourself? Do you feel the call to go through something incredibly demanding that will test every cell inside you? Are you longing to be initiated? To be pushed? Challenged to go through an ordeal that would give you direction, meaning, and understanding?

What could be possible if we start initiating men consciously through more formal rites and rituals? What kind of man would lead the way in corporations? How would men treat each other and women differently?

Mentorship

Read about mentorship here

Men’s Circles

Read more about men’s groups here and listen to the New Man Podcast for a fun conversation with Tripp Lanier and me about what a men’s group is and how it might serve you. Click here to listen.

My mission then, is to serve it up to men everywhere, particularly men in their 20′s and 30′s as they are most ready and willing for mentorship and a rite of passage.

It’s time to train each other to be conscious leaders, compassionate neighbors, and work through the lack of knowing oneself.

It’s time to put men through some conscious ordeal and invite the best out of men, instead of instilling the worst.  Behind the ego of the confused or narcissistic “guyland man” lies a scared little boy, waiting for mentorship and guidance.

So, What should you do?

As yourself how you live.

What kind of role model are you to a younger man? Where are you still challenged in your life? What would be possible if I put myself through an ordeal of some kind? What would it be like to have a mentor like Morpheous in the Matrix, showing you a map and guiding you into making your own discoveries and when you veered too far out of your own integrity, you had a community of fierce older men that would sharply reign you back in toward your highest self?

What challenge and test are you ready for? What commitments can you make right now to become the conscious man that the world needs you to be right now?

This blog post is essentially my life’s mission, to bring consciousness to manhood and show men how to live fuller, more authentic lives wherein they die knowing they have given their greatest gift.

Please do leave your comments below. Is this post true for you? What is it that you need to be the kind of man the world needs? When you look around, do you see grown men who basically act like boys? How committed are you to giving your greatest gift before you die?