The Conventional Way: Scarcity. You are screwed up.

Before I knew what personal development was, I was reading and working on myself. I was always looking for ways to be better. I immersed myself in leadership books from Steven Covey to Scott Peck’s The Road Less Traveled.

I was not totally happy and these books offered something in the way of self-improvement. They offered to solve my unhappiness problem.

Years later I would attend a Buddhist inspired graduate school to deeply study myself and to study psychology so as to be more effective in working with others. Part of the core curriculum was meditation. In my very first meditation class the instructor, Dale Asrael said something I will never forget.

She pointed out that most of us are busy “doing” and trying to be better. Meditation is about “being” yourself rather than trying to “better” yourself.  The more you can “be with” yourself the more fulfilled you will become and the more of service you will be to others.

A light bulb went on! I realized that in my innocent attempts at my self-improvement project, I had been adding more and more layers to my already entrenched ego. “This new thing or technique will make me happy,” I would claim. Or,  “Oh wait, I just need to try harder to be happy.” I looked everywhere.

After many meditation retreats, a lot of therapy, men’s groups, workshops and self reflection, I started to surrender and give up the self-improvement project. Man it was hard. I still get hooked occasionally. In fact, initially Revolutionary Man came from a view that men were not doing enough (lack focussed).

But what makes a man revolutionary is his willingness to soul search, to go inward, to know himself deeply– to begin to practice accepting himself as he is so he can better serve the world.

Many people like me (growth junkies) will turn to religion, self help, therapy, coaching and personal development to improve their lives. Why? Because more often than not these fields promise to alleviate your pain and fix your problem. Sometimes it actually works and if it’s good, it might be very beneficial. Sometimes these approaches just feel good in the face of not being able to feel much at all.

But mostly these approaches play into your false belief that there is something wrong with you. For example, if you and your coach or therapist believe your story that you are broken, both of you will try to fix you and eventually you’ll both end up frustrated at the lack of progress at the impossible task of “fixing” you.

The Revolutionary Way: You are okay as you are (i.e. there is nothing fundamentally wrong with you)

This is the big paradox in personal development: SELF ACCEPTANCE.

If you start out with the view as in Buddhism (which is a very ancient way) that you are fundamentally good and worthy of love and respect at your core right now, then the work with a healer, coach or teacher can be radically different.

Now personal development begins to mean growth toward self-acceptance. Or said another way, self-knowledge becomes self-love. And, as Krishnamurti reminds us “Self-knowledge is the cornerstone of freedom.”

We naturally begin to grow and evolve the more we are able to tolerate and embrace ourselves.

The more we practice self love, the more we are willing to let go of the mask and grow in order to become who we really are.

If you can turn your compass away from the view that you are bad or wrong and instead point it toward your own inherent goodness, you might be surprised at what is possible.

Years ago I read a J. Krishnamurti book. The first sentence read, “Self knowledge is the cornerstone of freedom.” It stuck with me from that day forward. Today as I reflect upon it, it still rings true to me, that self knowledge is one key to your own personal freedom. But what does “self knowledge” mean and how do you know if you really “know yourself?”

Over the years I have heard many people report, “I know myself.” Yeah right. I remember saying that in my teens and early 20’s with gusto, and I had no idea what I was talking about. The truth is I didn’t know myself then and in a way I still don’t. In fact, I’m an ocean of possibility.

Knowing oneself is not a fixed destination you arrive at one day, where you plant your flag in your spot, buy your house you live in forever, drive the same car to the same job and then kick your feet up to your nightly ritual of TV. If you want to not grow, this comfort and security-seeking approach might be fine.

Self knowledge means that you have come to an understanding that you are limitless. You understand that you grow, change and adapt and die. You understand this is nature’s law and the Universe’s law. Investigate this for yourself. Don’t take my word for it. Look around and see things as they actually are.

If we are hip to the present moment, no two moments are like the next. The concept of impermanence ripples through our life like a steady stream or a mountain torrent. A person that has self-knowledge and self understanding is open to the inevitable change that exists in everything.

But why do people not want to explore themselves further?

Fear of course. The comfort seeking person has no real desire to change, nor much motivation to do so. I respect that, but you’re not the person I want to grab a beer with or go on a long camping trip with. In addition, many comfort seekers are afraid, plain and simple. Afraid of what? Afraid of not knowing, afraid of feeling what they bury, and afraid of growth.

As my blogging friend Seth Simonds says, “real change starts with a recognition of deficiency [which we all have by the way] and a no-holds-barred desire to improve.“ In other words, you have to want to grow and most people don’t really want to grow that badly.

For men and women who want to find true freedom however, change, growth, and understanding yourself are paramount.

So, when I hear folks claim with certainty, “I know myself,” I don’t trust them. I personally don’t have a clue what’s coming next in my life. Believe me, I get scared, try to pin it down and find a routine, but nature has a way of undermining my desire to be comfortable and predict what’s next. And, being cozy and comfortable isn’t what I want anyway, it’s just what my ego wants.

Self knowledge can only be known through deep self-inquiry and experienced in each moment. If you are not able to identify what you are feeling or experiencing in any given moment, chances are you don’t know yourself very well and could use some tools or guidance getting you in tune with yourself.

But How and with What Tools?

To experience true freedom, we do need a map and tools. Krishnamurti was all about going it alone and not relying upon churches, institutions, spiritual teachers, mentors or even books. The tool he used? Like many philosophers he used his mind and his thoughts. These are fine. But for most folks like you and me, we need a few more tools.

Here are 4 more tools toward more Self Knowledge:

• Solitude to self-reflect, meditate and contemplate your own state of mind. Learn to sit quietly with yourself and just watch the display in your mind as well as in your body. Become a curious observer of yourself. More on solitude here.
• Self inquiry–ask yourself tough questions in any given interaction. Look into Byron Katie, Krishnamurti, & yes, Eckhart Tolle. These teachers emphasize self-inquiry.
• Find A mentor and use Therapy, Group Work, or Coaching. Because in relationship with other people, we bump up against ourselves and get great feedback about how we are and who we are.
• Join a Men’s Group–Read more on men’s groups here.

Krishnamurti says that if you and I want to solve the worlds problems, we need to recognize that “you and I are the problem, and not the world, because the world is the projection of ourselves. The world is not separate from us; we are the world , and our problems are the world’s problems….The creator of this mischief… is you and I, not the world as we think of it.” Eckhart Tolle seems to agree by saying, “The world can only change from within.”

So, take a look in the mirror and get to know that face and more importantly what, and who, is behind it.

As always, I welcome your comments