Although it would often intensify my loneliness, it somehow helped. Years later I would trek into the wilds alone for self-reflection. There I would ask big questions. There I might solve problems or attempt to figure out what painful emotion I was experiencing.

Sometimes I was running away from something. Other times I was running toward something.

After college I traveled to Central America alone to “find myself.” Running the same patterns and having no real mentor, I wound up missing home and was frustrated by my lack of clarity and confusion.

Soon after I began to lead wilderness trips and facilitate a “solo” wherein teenage boys and girls would spend 3 days and nights alone in the wilderness, far enough away from us that they could experience utter aloneness but still be at a safe distance for support if need be.

Since 1997, I have led wilderness journeys and the critical highlight still remains the solo. Most participants report that is often the most challenging and most rewarding aspect of the trip.

Today whenever I have to make a major decision or sit in the fire of something really painful, what do I do? Solitude.

On June 21, the summer solstice I want to invite you to join me and nine other men for a day of self-reflection and space away from your everyday life.

Why?

Let me explain…

I recently interviewed Bob Kull, author of “Solitude, Seeking Wisdom In Extremes.” Bob spent a year alone in the Wilderness of South America and made some important discoveries about himself and about life that we can all learn from.

Bob has some amazing and profound stories that might shock you.

I’m not suggesting you cut bait and leave your life for the wilderness for a year. I am suggesting that even if you commit to 1 hour a week of solitude there will be benefits.

In our fast paced society, we often claim we don’t have time to be alone, yet many men long for it. We long to “get away” and just rest in the big space of the wild or the open road. Can you relate to this?

I can’t tell you how many men I work with report the desire for space, yet a feeling that it is difficult to follow through with this, particularly if these men are married, have children, or work full time.

My challenge and invitation to you is to not let the real life situation you are in become an excuse as to why you do not honor that voice within you.

You deserve time alone and there may be a hidden benefit within that solitude that you are not even aware of.

So, what does this look like?

I’m going to recommend that solitude be uninterrupted time where you are indeed alone and free from distractions such as cell phones, computers, people, and even food.

Notice what your ideas are about being alone. Many people think that they spend plenty of time alone such as the one hour commute to work or while they are jogging, working out, and listening to their ipod. What I’m suggesting is quite different.

For example, for many Native American tribes solitude meant a vision quest where they sat in one spot for four days and four nights without food or water to pray for a vision for their people. Any movement outside their solo spot was considered a distraction and took them away from their meditation and prayer.

I have done many solos in my life from meditating alone in a cabin for two weeks nine hours a day to a more traditional vision quest. Now, with a new four month-old son, solitude means meditating in my home for 20-45 minutes per day.

Then, if I’m lucky I might take one or two short retreats per year where I head out into the woods or a retreat cabin for several days to go deeper.

Okay, I’m interested, but what should I do?

I’m sure we’ll hear more from Bob, but in the meantime here are a few pointers on how and where to get started.

1. Prepare in advance to take time alone. Get permission from work or your family to support you in spending some time alone. Sometimes, we just need to “head for the hills” to get away, but I’m encouraging you to make this a conscious, regular practice where you let others know your intentions.
2. Set an intention and share it. Letting my wife know that I’m doing some “me time” or alone time is much more open than just sneaking away for some alone time. Do this consciously. Let your partner know. Let another man know. If you are going out for an extended period in the woods, it is essential you let someone know where you are and how long you intend to be there. You might get more specific by focussing on a life theme such as, “My intention is to reflect on my life’s purpose.” Or, “My intention is to reflect on my current breakup and be with the loss and grief.”
3. Decide how much time you want to spend alone. Is it a week? A day? Or will it be a daily practice for 1 hr each day wherein you are just with yourself. Consider joining us on June 21 and make a commitment to be still and alone for a period of time.
4. Determine where: Home? A retreat cabin? The woods?
5. Limit your distractions. For example, if you choose to be outside in a park or in nature, limit your movement. For me, going on a hike is different than sitting in the same spot for several hours. If you want to challenge yourself, sit still and don’t move much at all. The more you move, the more distractions there are. I would recommend not journaling, listening to music or reading. These are other ways to distract yourself during true solitude.
6. Meditate: Find a method that allows for you to be present with your experience. Sitting still is very very difficult. Sitting without incessant thoughts is even more difficult and requires ongoing practice. Be gentle with yourself. No need to judge yourself.  The idea here is to just be present with your experience and watch the display unfold—all of it, including thoughts, emotions and boredom (Here are some pointers)
7. Be kind to yourself. No need to be too rigid here or force anything. Give yourself permission to think and reflect on your life.
8. Share your experience with someone. Upon completion, let someone know if this type of personal time served you and how you are going to commit to doing more of it in the future.

Let’s face it, we all need time alone. Make a commitment to yourself to start listening to that voice inside that craves, and might even need, some space.

Report back. What do you believe is the value and benefit of alone time? Let us know your experience!

Leave a comment—-

Over the years I have heard many people report, “I know myself.” Yeah right. I remember saying that in my teens and early 20′s with gusto, and I had no idea what I was talking about. The truth is I didn’t know myself then and in a way I still don’t. In fact, I’m an ocean of possibility.

Knowing oneself is not a fixed destination you arrive at one day, where you plant your flag in your spot, buy your house you live in forever, drive the same car to the same job and then kick your feet up to your nightly ritual of TV. If you want to not grow, this comfort and security-seeking approach might be fine.

Self knowledge means that you have come to an understanding that you are limitless. You understand that you grow, change and adapt and die. You understand this is nature’s law and the Universe’s law. Investigate this for yourself. Don’t take my word for it. Look around and see things as they actually are.

If we are hip to the present moment, no two moments are like the next. The concept of impermanence ripples through our life like a steady stream or a mountain torrent. A person that has self-knowledge and self understanding is open to the inevitable change that exists in everything.

But why do people not want to explore themselves further?

Fear of course. The comfort seeking person has no real desire to change, nor much motivation to do so. I respect that, but you’re not the person I want to grab a beer with or go on a long camping trip with. In addition, many comfort seekers are afraid, plain and simple. Afraid of what? Afraid of not knowing, afraid of feeling what they bury, and afraid of growth.

As my blogging friend Seth Simonds says, “real change starts with a recognition of deficiency [which we all have by the way] and a no-holds-barred desire to improve.“ In other words, you have to want to grow and most people don’t really want to grow that badly.

For men and women who want to find true freedom however, change, growth, and understanding yourself are paramount.

So, when I hear folks claim with certainty, “I know myself,” I don’t trust them. I personally don’t have a clue what’s coming next in my life. Believe me, I get scared, try to pin it down and find a routine, but nature has a way of undermining my desire to be comfortable and predict what’s next. And, being cozy and comfortable isn’t what I want anyway, it’s just what my ego wants.

Self knowledge can only be known through deep self-inquiry and experienced in each moment. If you are not able to identify what you are feeling or experiencing in any given moment, chances are you don’t know yourself very well and could use some tools or guidance getting you in tune with yourself.

But How and with What Tools?

To experience true freedom, we do need a map and tools. Krishnamurti was all about going it alone and not relying upon churches, institutions, spiritual teachers, mentors or even books. The tool he used? Like many philosophers he used his mind and his thoughts. These are fine. But for most folks like you and me, we need a few more tools.

Here are 4 more tools toward more Self Knowledge:

• Solitude to self-reflect, meditate and contemplate your own state of mind. Learn to sit quietly with yourself and just watch the display in your mind as well as in your body. Become a curious observer of yourself. More on solitude here.
• Self inquiry–ask yourself tough questions in any given interaction. Look into Byron Katie, Krishnamurti, & yes, Eckhart Tolle. These teachers emphasize self-inquiry.
• Find A mentor and use Therapy, Group Work, or Coaching. Because in relationship with other people, we bump up against ourselves and get great feedback about how we are and who we are.
• Join a Men’s Group–Read more on men’s groups here.

Krishnamurti says that if you and I want to solve the worlds problems, we need to recognize that “you and I are the problem, and not the world, because the world is the projection of ourselves. The world is not separate from us; we are the world , and our problems are the world’s problems….The creator of this mischief… is you and I, not the world as we think of it.” Eckhart Tolle seems to agree by saying, “The world can only change from within.”

So, take a look in the mirror and get to know that face and more importantly what, and who, is behind it.

As always, I welcome your comments

For the past 5 years, I usually spend two days to two weeks alone somewhere in the Colorado mountains in a retreat cabin. Doing what? Sitting with what is.

“What is” is often just my thoughts. Thinking is how I typically spend most of my time while on retreat (retreat is intentional time spent with your own state of mind. It’s different from a “vacation.”). But for some, their “what is” might be an experience of peace, emptiness or emotions such as fear, paranoia, joy, grief, anger, hostility, anxiety, dread…I could go on and on.

In all seriousness, I experience everything from utter freedom to terrifying nightmares. Even when I’m “thinking the whole time” I come to valuable insights about myself. For me, many critical, gut-wrenching decisions have been made about my life’s direction while alone in a cabin or alone in the woods.

The idea here is not to “get away from” your stress, but to gain a deeper understanding of your stress.

I notice that when I first arrive at the tiny cabin and make it home, I can’t wait to get started. Then a few hours into it I wish I were somewhere else. It all points to how my ego would rather not be present and I drift off to fantasies about eating chocolate & coconut bliss in the comfort of my own home, snuggling with my wife and newborn son.

If you stay for the length of your retreat (whatever amount of time that is, from 2 hours, to 2 days.  Some folks do it for 20 years!) a lot of teachings can come through about how you are and about how you operate. It is very helpful for this journey we call life.

Even if you don’t meditate, the stillness and solitude of the wilderness setting can be very healing and transformational. Why can’t you just do it at home? You can. However, I don’t know about you but I get way too distracted at home. It’s not possible for me. I have to leave and really unplug from everything.

I’ve done retreats where I don’t bring books or even a journal. I just sit there with no distractions and be with myself and my experience. Other retreats have been more relaxed for me. I give myself permission to read, write and even go on exploratory hikes to places I’m not supposed to go.

For you, it might be an interesting experiment to just commit to a single day or a weekend. No need to get crushed by a two month-long retreat right out of the gate.

I did my retreat at DKD in Gardner Colorado although there are other good ones elsewhere such as KTTG in Crestone Colorado, where I have also done retreats. There are retreat cabins all over the world in fact.

If you want more guidance about what kind of retreat is best for you, start by considering why you are craving it in the first place. Is it to escape? get away? or to get more in touch with what is up for you in your life right now.

Meditation is a tool that can assist you in being with “what is.” If you choose to do formal meditation, it is essential to get some basic meditation instruction. You can also do a group retreat where you sit quietly with your own mind and occasionally hear a teacher talk about life, meditation, philosophy and spirituality.

A great group retreat site and teacher is the Dharma Ocean foundation under the guidance of Reggie Ray. But there are hundreds if not thousands of other programs and teachers to explore.

I’m sure you have a lot of good reasons as to why you cannot afford to take a whole day off, but I challenge you to do it and see what happens. What are the consequences of giving a whole day to yourself to be alone with zero distractions?

I’d love your comments.