I remember only a year ago saying to my wife when she tried to put a light colored shirt on my son, “Honey that’s too feminine.” WTF? After her calling me on that, I realized what was driving that comment— me being trapped in the gender code of “boys wear blue, girls wear pink.”

Below that code was fearing my son would be labeled gay or feminine. Wow. Misogyny all over again. It was subtle, but that was my disdain for the feminine in me.

I had pushed down that “feminine” part of myself so far that it went underground. When this happens we let other people and our culture dictate what is true for us. From the unconscious we have little choice.  So I began to shine a big light on MY feminine.

Over and over, we are taught from a very young age (even birth and in utero), how to be a boy and how to be a girl. Don’t act like this, don’t act like that. Wear this color, don’t wear that color.

Over time this traps us in a boy code and a girl code. Behavior outside the “code” is not acceptable as one may face ridicule, judgment, rejection,  insult, and abandonment.

As adults, it doesn’t change much. Women, you need to act like a woman, and men, act like a man. Men, don’t act gay, weak or feminine and don’t rage. Women, don’t blah, blah, blah (women, need some help here, comment below?)

But ‘acting like a man’ implies that I need to adhere to behaviors that are acceptable within that person’s definition of “man.” Trust me, I tried that one for a while with “act like a good man or a revolutionary man.” And again, it is just another box.

The only way for us to break free from the boxes that we subscribed to long ago is to rewild ourselves as humans, outside of gender codes and scripts.

It’s time to be free and stop giving our culture, peers, parents, and society power over us by letting them dictate how to be a man or how to be a woman. There is no one way, and in reality, there is no fucking box. We just have to know that, and have the confidence to explore how big and vast we really are.

The boxes have only created more confusion and led to the separateness men and women feel toward each other. In fact, for the past six years, I have solely hung with men, pushing away my female friends (and hence the feminine in me). Now, I’m tired of that separateness and instead am seeking women friends to deepen with.

Conscious men and women are doing fine getting wild within the context of their own gender. I suggest we all dig deep and explore both our inner masculine and inner feminine and then do the same with men and women we know. It’s time to take the lid off the old notions of man and woman.

Men and women are different, of course. Let us celebrate and embody those differences fully but do so individually, in a way that honors who we uniquely are, not who we want to be, think we should be, or how someone else is doing it.

What is going to happen as men and women consciously come together? I don’t know, but I want to go there.

It’s time to create spaces where we can learn to tell the truth, be wild, and be free together. C’mon PEOPLE!!!! Let’s do it!

__________________________________________________

Here is an example of something we men and women can do together, done locally in Boulder:

My dear soul sister Christiane Pelmas and I have created an event to bridge men and women and help us go deeper together. It is going to be a blast.

Men and women coming together to tell the full, uncensored truth and heal the hurt, so that we may see one another fully without filters. Let us be seen and witnessed in our rage, our grief, our joy, our desire, our laughter, and our full power.

This is a private event flyer below. A public one will be offered soon.

ReWilding Men & Women

An Uncensored Truth-Telling Experience

A weekend exploration facilitated by
Christiane Pelmas of The ReWilding and Jayson Gaddis, Men’s Leader
by invitation only
~ October 28th, 2010 ~

Moving beyond the workshop setting into a co-created ritual space, this weekend is designed to bridge
the masculine and feminine in a raw, clean, and conscious community that includes movement, council,
dyads, and more. Our purpose is not to fix anything. It is simply to speak the truth and be witnessed, so
the reality of what we experience in our daily lives can be honored and healed.

Men, in this two-day ritual you will have the opportunity to:

• Learn how to tell the entire truth in the face of the feminine through conscious and uncensored expression
• Show up and live as a more conscious man within community
• Experience your hunger, desire, and longing for the feminine and own it as yours
• Hold space for the feminine no matter what she brings – without taking it personally
• Discover how to create deeper intimacy with both the masculine & feminine
• Cultivate your power as a leader who is bringing more consciousness to the masculine/feminine dance

Women, in this two-day ritual you will have the opportunity to:

• Learn how to speak your truth in front of men and women – no matter what your truth is
• Feel the fullness of your fierce, provocative beauty & power, through the witness of community
• Discover the deep stories that govern your relationships – the ones that serve and the ones that don’t
• Learn how to more fully cultivate, and stay with, your authentic female expression in the face of masculine desire or fear
• Learn how to stand safely in the face of masculine rage and desire
• Cultivate your power as a leader who is bringing more consciousness to the masculine/feminine dance

This is for men and women who:

‣ Feel there is a larger conversation going on, between the Masculine and Feminine, that longs to be supported
‣ Hunger for a deeper more truthful conversation with the opposite gender
‣ Are in a relationship or single
‣ Have cultivated the art of skilled self-reflection and can receive honest feedback without distancing or projecting
‣ Inspired to make conscious, the stories and blocks that are covertly running your intimate partnerships

~ Limited to 8 women and 8 men

A deposit of $25 will hold your space. The evening tuition is $75. Pay what you can, and consider paying more, to help others who are experiencing economic hardship.
This experience will take place at a location to be provided upon your registration. It is our desire to maintain a gender balance for this evening.

I’m one of those old fashioned gals who wants men to be more like men. Unruly, lustful, primitive, bold – however he might come. It is challenging for a man in this day and age to remain intact; to not allow himself to be meddled with, while still retaining a good measure of integrity. I admire men who strive for this, because there are plenty of (well-meaning) women out there who are happily doing the meddling. It’s all they know. We are all to some extent shaped by the culture we live in. The pressure on men to be more like women is so pervasive we don’t even see it for what it is. And since it is human to want to belong; to be seen for the good person that you are, men tend to succumb – at least in public. So when I meet a man who can own his mistakes openly while never apologizing for who he is, I am impressed. While he is not exactly a dying breed, this is a balance that is hard to come by.

I adore men, and I adore all the ways they communicate that are not at all like a woman’s. I enjoy their tribal instincts, their love of competition, and the way they bond with their buddies that I will never be a part of. These are things I would like to see more of, free of restraint or excuses. No more blaming women for your failure to exercise the liberties that are your birthright! Men need time with other men, because it gives them something they can never get from a woman. It’s just the way that it is. We are entirely different breeds.

On a personal level, there are lots of things I hanker for. As a woman who has been single for quite some time, what I miss the most is that burly, unfaltering presence that does not shrink back from my fervent mood swings, whether it be anxiety, sexual desire or matters of the heart. I miss a man who can hold his own without taking on my emotional depth. A man with fortitude and patience, but who does things on his own terms, not mine. A spiritual man who values both the animal and the tender; who knows what it means to be both beastly and kind. A man who understands that being in control (something many men need) is not the same as controlling me. Hell, be the boss if you must – but try to oppress my spirit, and I’ll end up leaving you in the end.

There’s a scene in the movie A History of Violence where the main character, played by Viggo Mortensen, “takes” his wife on the stairs of their home, without her apparent (initial) consent. It is a powerful scene that blends anger with tenderness, desire with heart – raw and unrestrained. Contrast this with the sex portrayed in a series like Desperate Housewives – emasculated, polite, entirely dependent on a woman’s approval. Unfortunately – and I say this for women as well as men – sex within the confines of domestic love has swung toward the latter. What I miss in men is unfettered passion and a loyalty to self; men who are sensitive to what I think and feel, but will never sell themselves out to gain my approval.

A man who is his own person.

Jesse Mendes is a writer, producer and blogger who is deeply committed to helping to change how older women are perceived in North America. She believes there is a sensuality and wisdom about them that younger women can only dream of, and a significant pool of men out there who “get” it. SeptemberMay, a dating site that celebrates the authentic older woman, will launch later this year.

The other day I sent out a call for feedback for men everywhere (Stay tuned…). My request was for one sentence from anyone and everyone. Interesting that several women completely disregarded the “one sentence” rule and just went for it.

Here is one poignant example from my friend Nomali who wrote to us men exquisitely. She came up with her own introduction to it. I have not edited a thing and have received her permission to post it. I was deeply inspired upon reading her note and feel as though it may serve you. Thank you Nomali!

Notice yourself as you read this. Are you skeptical? Do you allow her words to penetrate you? Do you contract because of you are afraid to let her in? Does the spiritual tone sound too much for you? Or are you grateful for a woman that shares her vulnerability with you? What would it feel like for a woman to actually speak to you in this manner?

If you are a man hungry for more in intimacy and relationship, let this be a love letter beckoning you to show up and go deeper.

Painting My Lover: Men – Women – Me – You – Who?

by Nomali Perera

Crazy-ass long mad thing I suddenly found myself writing after I saw a posting by Jayson Gaddis of “Revolutionary Man” (What Is Your Constructive Feedback For MEN? – http://tinyurl.com/yh46lyj). This is waaaaay too long for what Jayson Gaddis is looking for. I mostly just found myself writing more about myself than men and so, this is just my note. And please know that this is MY letter. I am not speaking for other women. I am also not directing this at any one man. And sometimes I am guilty of what I complain about. I know it and am honest about it. Why did I really have all this gushing out of me? I have no idea. Maybe just because I am a woman. And sometimes, I just shamelessly gush.

————————–

Some might say “the unknown,” “being broke,” “not being loved,” or “not being in control.” While these top the list, there are a few fears much deeper, mostly unconscious, and more secret that most dudes just won’t admit they have or have had.

The three big fears that stem from outdated male conditioning are:

1. Being perceived as gay
2. Being perceived as too feminine
3. A fear that your cock is not big enough, and therefore you are not adequate

If this is true that men fear these, then it is also true that these are the three areas to exploit and shame another man.

Men who are insecure in one or more of these areas will be highly susceptible to ridicule in these areas. However, he will do his best to hide it.  The mask he will wear will be thick and seemingly impenetrable. Be honest. Ask yourself from boyhood until now if you have feared these. I have feared all of these at some point in my life.

Let’s take a quick look at all three.

1. Being perceived as gay

Since so many men are simply out of touch with who they really are, and are fundamentally insecure, being called “gay” can be very threatening. For these men, gay = bad, wrong, weak, womanly, sensitive, and less than.

Think about it. In conventional male culture (particularly for teens and young men), the biggest put down you can give another man is to call him a fag. Men joke in this way all the time. But underneath the joke is a hidden truth. That to the men giving the put down, they are deeply afraid that they will be seen as homosexual or gay and they know the other man might have questions too.

Prior to having any self-awareness whatsoever, I shamefully admit that in college I participated in gay bashing by calling my male friends who I perceived had more feminine character traits. At the same time, I did my best to hide any aspect of myself that I felt was weak or revealed how incredibly sensitive I was.  I also questioned my sexuality in adolescence and had no one to talk to about it. So, like a guy’s guy, I puffed up, I hid it, and instead made fun of others.

Rapper Eminem was asked by MTV’s Kurt Loder in 2001 why he used “faggot” in all his songs to put down other men. Eminem responded:

The lowest degrading thing you can say to a man when you’re battling him is to call him a faggot and try to take away his manhood. Call him a sissy, call him a punk. “Faggot” to me doesn’t necessarily mean gay people. “faggot” to me just means taking away your manhood.

Sadly Eminem’s view is very common. And, even if it wasn’t meant as a putdown to gays, it is. Talk to most gay folks. Using “gay” or “fag” as a putdown perpetuates aggression, disrespect, and even violence toward gays.

Anti-gay behavior is so ingrained in our culture and starts from day one. If a little baby boy so much as gets a toy that looks like a “girl toy” he might be teased by a nearby watchful adult as gay or girly. So begins the cycle of the boycode.

William Pollack PHD, coined the phrase “boycode” to suggest that boys are put in what he calls a gender straight-jacket as early as infancy. Boys must only act like boys and if they cry, whine, don’t play sports, or wear girl-colored clothing, they are not being a boy. Sadly, this behavior is conditioned largely by fearful, insecure, adult men who do not want to be seen having a boy who is “not acting like a boy.”

Boys are conditioned to be boys and boys in most modern cultures have a “do’s and don’ts list” of behaviors. Since boys have no formal initiation in this culture, “adult boys” model boyhood and manhood, which becomes an incredibly narrow version of masculinity, and sadly one we are dealing with right now.

Michael Kimmel in his book Guyland pinpoints the “guycode”  which grows out of the boycode. The guycode is essentially the same as the boycode, but for adult men. It’s just another box we men buy into.

Read their books as this is not meant to serve as a research project. Rather it is to pinpoint the sad but obvious truth about the mainstream man in this culture.

Gay men are just as much men as straight men. Practice acceptance.

2. Being perceived as too feminine

I remember playing golf as a boy. If I putt the ball short of the hole, the older men used to say, “hit it Alice” to imply I was putting like a woman because I didn’t hit the ball hard enough. I also remember in college challenging other men to drink more by calling them “skirts” if they were not keeping up (as if 10 or 12 beers was not enough).

In men’s sports, coaches often uses terms such as “ladies” to describe men who are not stepping up, who are quitting, or who are acting weak. Even in the blockbuster Avatar, the “bad guys” called each other ladies to motivate each other.

Think of the cost here with our teenage boys. When boys and adolescent boys are trained day in and day out to put each other down with “girl,” “pussy,” “vagina,” “cunt,” etc, over time the association becomes entrenched. It can start out pretty innoscent, but pretty soon, this bleeds over to how boys treat girls. They begin to disrespect girls in an ongoing way and use “girl behavior” as the big put down to each other. They attempt to push away the feminine because they are doing their best to hide the feminine aspects of themselves.

Boys will hide any vulnerable or seemingly feminine aspects of themselves or face the ridicule of their peers and thus not belong or feel accepted by their peer group.

Tragically, boys will bury anything about themselves that resembles a girl.

3. A fear that your cock is not adequate

The other big diss boys and guys dish out to each other is to insult another man’s penis.  Find a way to call attention to another man’s inadequacy by attacking his privates. No wonder boys and men are so uncomfortable talking about their cocks, their sexual fears, or inadequacies. No wonder shame begets shame.

Countless men (and women) have fears of being inept, impotent, inadequate, worthless, not good enough, and not man enough. Men often associate these with their cock and their cock’s performance. In traditional guy culture your cock = your success. If your cock works, gets action with women only, and is big, then you are a man.

What nonsense. And yet this is often what young boys learn through other men, the media and through porn.

Internet porn thus becomes the guidepost for boys who have nowhere to turn. The basic message for a boy or man watching porn is the same as above. “Use your cock to take her, thrust, fuck, be in charge, dominate, control,” because that is supposedly what she wants. Again, another box. Boys and men buy into the box and if anything happens outside the box, there must be something wrong with you.

Believe it or not, your cock is fine just the way it is. You are adequate. Even if you lose your erection or believe you have a small penis, you are enough. It’s commonly understood that most women don’t care about size.

My advice:

1. The re-frame. Your vulnerability is your strength. Yup. Believe it or not, your vulnerability is your strength. Not in mainstream culture or traditional manhood of course. But who cares? If you read this blog, you are not a conventional, mainstream man. You are more conscious than that. Start acting like you are.

2. Be yourself and stop giving a shit what others think of you. Seriously. Have the balls to be yourself (not your ego-self) and blast out of the box your culture, your father, or your peers put you in.

3. Grow up. Move on past this juvenile behavior. Lead the way and practice not buying into these 3 fears. They only serve to keep you inside that box. You don’t need them. At the same time if you are secure in who you are as a man, skip dissing other men by using these deeply entrenched jabs. You just perpetuate aggression, violence, and intolerance in people that are different than you. If you are scared and want to protect yourself, fine. But get some new tools, seriously.

4. Start respecting your fellow man, no matter who they are. That’s right, criminals, democrats, republicans, gay, straight, black, white, red, brown, yellow. Practice acceptance and start with the guy staring you in the face everyday.

5. Challenge him. If you want to help another man step up, challenge him to reach his potential.

6. Call him out. When a man is thirty-five and he is acting like a boy, call him on that. This does not mean if a man is crying he is acting like a boy. Men cry. I cry. Crying and showing strong emotion is a sign of strength. But if he acts like he is fourteen or is trapped in “guyland” and refuses to be a man, call him out. Demand more from him.

7. Get out of the gender box. Men come in all shapes, colors, and sizes. Be careful about how you put boys (including your own children) in a gender box. Let your son be emotional, sensitive, and free. If he plays with dolls, get curious about why you care so much. It’s likely that you are afraid what others will think of you. Encourage him to be himself and trust himself, not some version of your rigid self. Do the same with your adult male friends and colleagues.

I have been known to challenge a man’s manhood to this day. I feel okay about it. Why? Because I am demanding that he act like an adult and be truthful with who and what he is. I want the best out of him. I demand what is behind his mask. I want his authentic version of him, not some box that his culture put him in. I don’t have some outdated, stoic, John Wayne version of manhood. That’s a bunch of crap.

If you decide to challenge another man’s manhood, come from a place of honor and respect and remember tip number 3. We can and do challenge each other as men. But let us do it by building one another up without disrespecting someone else or comparing ourselves to anyone.

This World needs less “adult boys” and more open-hearted, fearless, conscious men. Will you be one of them?