Want to know an man’s biggest fear?
Some might say “the unknown,” “being broke,” “not being loved,” or “not being in control.” While these top the list, there are a few fears much deeper, mostly unconscious, and more secret that most dudes just won’t admit they have or have had.
The three big fears that stem from outdated male conditioning are:
- Being perceived as gay
- Being perceived as too feminine
- A fear that your cock is not big enough, and therefore you are not adequate
If this is true that men fear these, then it is also true that these are the three areas to exploit and shame another man.
Men who are insecure in one or more of these areas will be highly susceptible to ridicule in these areas. However, he will do his best to hide it. The mask he will wear will be thick and seemingly impenetrable. Be honest. Ask yourself from boyhood until now if you have feared these. I have feared all of these at some point in my life.
Let’s take a quick look at all three.
1. Being perceived as gay
Since so many men are simply out of touch with who they really are, and are fundamentally insecure, being called “gay” can be very threatening. For these men, gay = bad, wrong, weak, womanly, sensitive, and less than.
Think about it. In conventional male culture (particularly for teens and young men), the biggest put down you can give another man is to call him a fag. Men joke in this way all the time. But underneath the joke is a hidden truth. That to the men giving the put down, they are deeply afraid that they will be seen as homosexual or gay and they know the other man might have questions too.
Prior to having any self-awareness whatsoever, I shamefully admit that in college I participated in gay bashing by calling my male friends who I perceived had more feminine character traits. At the same time, I did my best to hide any aspect of myself that I felt was weak or revealed how incredibly sensitive I was. I also questioned my sexuality in adolescence and had no one to talk to about it. So, like a guy’s guy, I puffed up, I hid it, and instead made fun of others.
Rapper Eminem was asked by MTV’s Kurt Loder in 2001 why he used “faggot” in all his songs to put down other men. Eminem responded:
The lowest degrading thing you can say to a man when you’re battling him is to call him a faggot and try to take away his manhood. Call him a sissy, call him a punk. “Faggot” to me doesn’t necessarily mean gay people. “faggot” to me just means taking away your manhood.
Sadly Eminem’s view is very common. And, even if it wasn’t meant as a putdown to gays, it is. Talk to most gay folks. Using “gay” or “fag” as a putdown perpetuates aggression, disrespect, and even violence toward gays.
Anti-gay behavior is so ingrained in our culture and starts from day one. If a little baby boy so much as gets a toy that looks like a “girl toy” he might be teased by a nearby watchful adult as gay or girly. So begins the cycle of the boycode.
William Pollack PHD, coined the phrase “boycode” to suggest that boys are put in what he calls a gender straight-jacket as early as infancy. Boys must only act like boys and if they cry, whine, don’t play sports, or wear girl-colored clothing, they are not being a boy. Sadly, this behavior is conditioned largely by fearful, insecure, adult men who do not want to be seen having a boy who is “not acting like a boy.”
Boys are conditioned to be boys and boys in most modern cultures have a “do’s and don’ts list” of behaviors. Since boys have no formal initiation in this culture, “adult boys” model boyhood and manhood, which becomes an incredibly narrow version of masculinity, and sadly one we are dealing with right now.
Michael Kimmel in his book Guyland pinpoints the “guycode” which grows out of the boycode. The guycode is essentially the same as the boycode, but for adult men. It’s just another box we men buy into.
Read their books as this is not meant to serve as a research project. Rather it is to pinpoint the sad but obvious truth about the mainstream man in this culture.
Gay men are just as much men as straight men. Practice acceptance.
2. Being perceived as too feminine
I remember playing golf as a boy. If I putt the ball short of the hole, the older men used to say, “hit it Alice” to imply I was putting like a woman because I didn’t hit the ball hard enough. I also remember in college challenging other men to drink more by calling them “skirts” if they were not keeping up (as if 10 or 12 beers was not enough).
In men’s sports, coaches often uses terms such as “ladies” to describe men who are not stepping up, who are quitting, or who are acting weak. Even in the blockbuster Avatar, the “bad guys” called each other ladies to motivate each other.
Think of the cost here with our teenage boys. When boys and adolescent boys are trained day in and day out to put each other down with “girl,” “pussy,” “vagina,” “cunt,” etc, over time the association becomes entrenched. It can start out pretty innoscent, but pretty soon, this bleeds over to how boys treat girls. They begin to disrespect girls in an ongoing way and use “girl behavior” as the big put down to each other. They attempt to push away the feminine because they are doing their best to hide the feminine aspects of themselves.
Boys will hide any vulnerable or seemingly feminine aspects of themselves or face the ridicule of their peers and thus not belong or feel accepted by their peer group.
Tragically, boys will bury anything about themselves that resembles a girl.
3. A fear that your cock is not adequate
The other big diss boys and guys dish out to each other is to insult another man’s penis. Find a way to call attention to another man’s inadequacy by attacking his privates. No wonder boys and men are so uncomfortable talking about their cocks, their sexual fears, or inadequacies. No wonder shame begets shame.
Countless men (and women) have fears of being inept, impotent, inadequate, worthless, not good enough, and not man enough. Men often associate these with their cock and their cock’s performance. In traditional guy culture your cock = your success. If your cock works, gets action with women only, and is big, then you are a man.
What nonsense. And yet this is often what young boys learn through other men, the media and through porn.
Internet porn thus becomes the guidepost for boys who have nowhere to turn. The basic message for a boy or man watching porn is the same as above. “Use your cock to take her, thrust, fuck, be in charge, dominate, control,” because that is supposedly what she wants. Again, another box. Boys and men buy into the box and if anything happens outside the box, there must be something wrong with you.
Believe it or not, your cock is fine just the way it is. You are adequate. Even if you lose your erection or believe you have a small penis, you are enough. It’s commonly understood that most women don’t care about size.
My advice:
1. The re-frame. Your vulnerability is your strength. Yup. Believe it or not, your vulnerability is your strength. Not in mainstream culture or traditional manhood of course. But who cares? If you read this blog, you are not a conventional, mainstream man. You are more conscious than that. Start acting like you are.
2. Be yourself and stop giving a shit what others think of you. Seriously. Have the balls to be yourself (not your ego-self) and blast out of the box your culture, your father, or your peers put you in.
3. Grow up. Move on past this juvenile behavior. Lead the way and practice not buying into these 3 fears. They only serve to keep you inside that box. You don’t need them. At the same time if you are secure in who you are as a man, skip dissing other men by using these deeply entrenched jabs. You just perpetuate aggression, violence, and intolerance in people that are different than you. If you are scared and want to protect yourself, fine. But get some new tools, seriously.
4. Start respecting your fellow man, no matter who they are. That’s right, criminals, democrats, republicans, gay, straight, black, white, red, brown, yellow. Practice acceptance and start with the guy staring you in the face everyday.
5. Challenge him. If you want to help another man step up, challenge him to reach his potential.
6. Call him out. When a man is thirty-five and he is acting like a boy, call him on that. This does not mean if a man is crying he is acting like a boy. Men cry. I cry. Crying and showing strong emotion is a sign of strength. But if he acts like he is fourteen or is trapped in “guyland” and refuses to be a man, call him out. Demand more from him.
7. Get out of the gender box. Men come in all shapes, colors, and sizes. Be careful about how you put boys (including your own children) in a gender box. Let your son be emotional, sensitive, and free. If he plays with dolls, get curious about why you care so much. It’s likely that you are afraid what others will think of you. Encourage him to be himself and trust himself, not some version of your rigid self. Do the same with your adult male friends and colleagues.
I have been known to challenge a man’s manhood to this day. I feel okay about it. Why? Because I am demanding that he act like an adult and be truthful with who and what he is. I want the best out of him. I demand what is behind his mask. I want his authentic version of him, not some box that his culture put him in. I don’t have some outdated, stoic, John Wayne version of manhood. That’s a bunch of crap.
If you decide to challenge another man’s manhood, come from a place of honor and respect and remember tip number 3. We can and do challenge each other as men. But let us do it by building one another up without disrespecting someone else or comparing ourselves to anyone.
This World needs less “adult boys” and more open-hearted, fearless, conscious men. Will you be one of them?
February 8, 2010 at 8:35 am
And thus you get several of this year's Super Bowl commercials. SO many played on exactly those elements of the masculine straight jacket. Even the e-trade babies were forced to be palyahs.
February 8, 2010 at 12:57 pm
A good article on some touchy subjects. It's especially nice to hear such things coming from a man who has been part of such groups. As a kid, I often opted for being alone rather than be subjected to or participate in verbal abuse. Even so, I still find it difficult to admit that dance has been my primary spiritual practice.
As for #3, anecdotal evidence suggests that having a larger than average, uh, “manhood” can actually be a poor fit for ladies with “less room”–a little bit of information that is rarely discussed and only discovered in unfortunate (and painful) circumstances. This reverse poor fit can be a source of relationships not working out, although it is rarely cited directly as the reason due to social taboos. This is also something “smaller” guys rarely consider–that they might be a better fit than guys who are “larger” depending on the lady in question.
February 8, 2010 at 2:12 pm
Love the 7 steps Jay. I have to say that growing up I definitely had fears 1 and 2. Moved past them now, and even see getting hit on by gay men as a compliment (which has been happening a lot lately actually). I'd really like to hear so more on points 5 and 6, and some pointers as to how to go about this effectively. Thnx!
December 12, 2011 at 1:03 am
Amen to that! Gay men are more picky than women, and have better taste in general!
February 8, 2010 at 3:00 pm
Great point! Man those ads were a sad commentary on men.
February 8, 2010 at 3:01 pm
Thanks Duff. Yes. I've worked through an intense amount of shame for who I was back then. Ouch.
February 8, 2010 at 3:02 pm
Sounds good bro. I will work on something. Keep reminding me. It is a bit of an art challenging another man. So much of it is “how” someone can hear the feedback.
February 8, 2010 at 3:24 pm
Ha! Tell me about it. I can think of 2 instances straight off the top of my head where they rejected the challenge completely! You're on
February 8, 2010 at 5:20 pm
What about the fear of being seen as a boy? Feeling that one hasnt yet arrived at manhood. Or fear that we will be seen as (or actually are) defined by “niceness” instead of bold authenticity that speaks one's truth even if others might not like it.
February 8, 2010 at 8:35 pm
Jason.
Yes. Fear of being seen as a boy is there. That's true but to a lesser degree. Some men do put each other down by using “baby” or “mama's boy” or whatever, specifically around showing emotion. This can sting for a man not yet confident in himself.
And yes, many men do fear not being a man. But are they actively seeking tools to become a man or be a man, or are they just worried about what other's think of them?
Niceness? To me this is another version of acting feminine. So what if a guy is super nice? Who cares? My thing is can this guy hold the line if I ask him to protect my family in a crisis? If he feels he cannot or is too scared, he might want to develop himself and push himself to learn how, but only if that is what he wants, not because that is “what a man's supposed to do” (yet another box).
February 9, 2010 at 9:45 am
I'm still processing this post. Biggest fears? Not to sure but certainly have experienced 1 and 2 stronger than 3. I'm pretty secure with 3 although the insecurity crossed my mind before.
Matter of fact, just this week 1 and 2 have been on my mind here and there. For instance, I've been noticing how I like to have nature around…..which reminds me…..one guy last year at work made a sexist comment or insinuation about the flowers I had on my desk at work…(tough macho guy of course)….I don't remember what he said exactly but I loved my response…..I said something to the effect of there being so much man sitting at my desk that I needed the flowers to balance out the masculine energy……it's funny…it shut him right up and he never fucked with me again. :O)
I've also made little comments/beliefs up about men who watch boxing or UFC or more vilolent sports. It suggests to me that their not living their edge or stepping in to their manhood and therefore need the boxing or fighting to live either vicariously through or remind them of their manhood. Could this be true? Maybe. Could it also be I make these things up to deal with fears of 1 and 2 since I don't enjoy watching boxing or UFC? Perhaps…..I'll have to consider it more…. See More… See More
I can surely relate to the societal boxing of male and female characteristics. For me, I think I mostly got the paradigms from school and friends since I was raised by a woman most the time.
But yeh,,,I certainly was afraid to sing or dance for fear of being labeled gay, etc.
That all said, I had a great time at the drum circle this past weekend here in town and I went to town letting the rythm just move me. A buddy of mine and I were the only guys that went in the middle the entire night…..of course once the amazing hot belly dancer chicks got started, I stayed out of their way…(to let others and myself enjoy of course)
Matter of fact, now that I think of it, just coming back from RMLT this past month, when I told a guy at work where I had been, he made a sexist remark insinuating gayness. It IS all over the place!
A lady at work was making comments last week about the hot yoga I do and how she thought it was for women…….of course she didn't say anything later when I sent her articles on NFL players doing it. Of course, me taking the time to share those articles had somewhat to do with me wanting her to know that it was ok for men to do hot yoga (or yoga).
February 9, 2010 at 10:14 am
This is fucking beautiful Jayson.
February 10, 2010 at 9:38 am
I've thought some more about my reply. I was listening to TheNewMan podcast this week and Tripp was talking with the AMP guys about the difference between a “nice guy” and a great man. One thing that they said was that a lot of times, niceness comes up from a need to please and keep everyone around oneself happy. So instead of saying a man can be afraid of being a nice guy or being perceived as a nice guy, I would revise and say I think there are fears that can cause a man to be nice in a people pleasing way. Fear of rejection and judgement by others could lead to this (“If I just be my true self and speak my truth, people may not like it and judge me”).
“
Jayson said: “..or are they just worried about what other's think of them”.
I agree that this is not really what's important. In your post you also say that men's biggest fears are “being perceived” as gay or girly. I think one important part in my example (of being a man or a boy) is self acceptance, how does a man feel about himself. There could be the belief (idk if it would be a “fear”), that there is something wrong, missing, or defective about oneself that compromises one's identity as a man.
In your advice you say “3. Grow up. Move on past this juvenile behavior”. I agree, the fears you mentioned are things learned as boys and adolescents trying to shame each other, or however else boys can get these messages. This is why I disagree a little with the title of your post, suggesting these are our biggest fears. When a man grows up and moves past these fears you mentioned, I think the existential issues he has to face are much bigger fears to deal with. Fear of death, fear that his life lacks or will always lack meaning and purpose. These seem much more real and tougher to wrestle with.
-J
February 10, 2010 at 6:28 pm
It would be a lot more interesting and USEFUL to know what men who are NOT suffering from “outdated male conditioning” fear most!
This is just gay snobbery.
FWIW, I'm currently wearing a pink t-shirt and several pounds of jewelry, including amber and pearls. Bartender asked, “Are you gay?” I replied,
“I was, but the homosexuals co-opted that word so now I'm Joyful.”
February 13, 2010 at 10:19 am
it's funny on Sunday my son Henry (4) and I were heading out to watch the Superbowl at a family friendly bar/restuarant. Henry insisted on wearing his older sisters pink uggboots that shes outgrown. While my gut said it was totally , they're perfectly good pair of Uggboots……..I baulked.
It's interesting what I caught myself thinking. What will people think about me? I silently figured Harry's 4 years old and will be in the clear……….enjoy it while it lasts!! Will they think he's strange? That I'm mean to enforce such a thing on a little boy? Neglectful? Too poor to buy him a blue pair? What about the looks from the other Dads? All this crap streamed by in my mind like the tape on CNN. It was interesting to notice such bullshit. I told him it was totally cool and a wise decision as it was cold out; he wore them. Sure, there were a few comments and maybe a glance…..but it was fine. We had a great time.
It was interesting to notice (first hand) where the seeds of this social conditioning can be spread, and at such a tender age.
February 13, 2010 at 9:12 pm
David. Great stuff. Sadly, straight men need this reminder.
I love the bartender comment. Hilarious!
February 13, 2010 at 9:16 pm
Jason,
Being “nice” most often has it's roots in needing external validation of some kind.
While I agree with you on your last point, that death and other existential issues, weigh much more on men who have moved past these 3, most men simply have not. Look at pop culture, professional sports, celebs, TV, porn, the media and news in general. It's pervasive, all an unconscious response to these 3 fears.
So, yes, a confident, secure man has other fears to wrestle with.
February 13, 2010 at 9:18 pm
I love it bro.
In terms of your flowers at work comment, I like what you said to that dude, and at a certain point, there's really no need to even respond.
March 4, 2010 at 9:31 pm
As a woman I love this comment! So so true. I am in my perfect “fit” relationship right now. A man that is not “large” per usual standards and could even be considered small, and me as a slightly larger than average woman. It makes for the perfect situation – he does not get stimulated too quickly and lasts, I don't get sore and never have pain as I have had in so many other situations and this allows for alot more frequent activity. Who would have thought. I am a big fan of smaller “manhood” now for sure!!
July 7, 2010 at 8:59 am
COME ON !
WHAT A FAGGOT !
WE NEED RAISE REAL MEN.
January 22, 2011 at 12:56 pm
Excellent post!
June 6, 2011 at 8:51 pm
#2 Be Yourself
“have the balls to be yourself”
- sound like the author slipped by telling his readers to associate their ability to “call someone out” by remembering that they have balls (big balls, no doubt).
March 7, 2011 at 1:12 pm
as the mother of a son…bravo!
March 7, 2011 at 5:21 pm
I think I love you!
March 21, 2011 at 11:44 am
do you accept guest blogs? have a great idea for part 2 of this blog…
March 22, 2011 at 1:22 pm
Sure. send me an email. would love to hear your ideas.
July 1, 2011 at 3:37 pm
Spot on. This just confirms everything I have been thinking about today!
Nice one!
July 25, 2011 at 10:09 am
I'm a guy and I honestly am not the slightest bit afraid of any of these things. This is what the heartless macho jerks fear. My ingest fears are:
1. Never marry
2. Die childless
3. Live a life of poverty
August 2, 2011 at 9:39 pm
Juan, True true. those are fears that come after a boy/man gets through the ones I mention. There are dozens of others of course. I like your list, sounds like those are really alive for you. Curious what you are doing with those?
August 3, 2011 at 3:39 am
Juan, True true. those are fears that come after a boy/man gets through the ones I mention. There are dozens of others of course. I like your list, sounds like those are really alive for you. Curious what you are doing with those?
October 31, 2011 at 11:36 pm
This is fantastic stuff; I want to thank you for it.
The greatest challenge I face in my life is making friends with my femininity, and building the self-love to take that energy out into the world. It’s such a beautiful energy to hold, and yet I have this HUGE, constant fear of being perceived as womanly. It’s horrible. I’m not gay, and in fact have two beautiful daughters and a wonderful partner, but this fear is a strong one. It helps to know that it’s evolutionary, in that we as men have been conditioned for sooooo long. It’s ridiculous. How did we ever get to a point where something so natural, so beautiful, is shamed by the majority of our society? We need to reconsider the idea of ‘man’, and recognize that the strongest, coolest, raddest dudes out there are the ones who love every corner of themselves and don’t give a shit what others say or think.
Thanks again for writing my friend.
November 20, 2011 at 1:30 pm
You are so right Gray. In order to make friends with our feminine side, we must cut through the conditioning and it can feel insurmountable at times. awesome comment!