photo by Jason Ippolito, flickr
Creative Commons
If I’m a man and my female partner criticizes me for little stuff, big stuff, and the way I go about things, I might find myself blaming her and wanting her to be different. However, I don’t recommend trying to change her. Instead, look in the mirror.
When she does criticize, no matter how big or small, my pattern is probably to get defensive and justify what I did or how I did it. My woman then might get reactive and pissed because I’m defending rather than validating her. Little do i know it, but I’m throwing logs on her fire. Eventually I might shut down and she might pull away. This common approach is a losing battle.
If you are a guy who finds your self in this dynamic or some version of it, the way out of this one is for you to do a few things:
- Ask yourself why you’ve attracted a “critical” woman into your life? It is no mistake. There is a reason. Typically, the reason is so that you can repair some old wound around feeling judged or criticized as a child. Be grateful you have this opportunity to heal something in yourself that will change this dynamic for good.
- Stop defending yourself or justifying why you did it how you did it, etc. Skip this habitual step. It’s a dead end and highly overrated.
- Learn how to communicate responsibly. “Ouch! I’m feeling judged and criticized right now.” Etc, etc.
- Set a boundary by saying something like, “whoah, I won’t be talked to like that, please stop.” Then, go take space and deal with your shit.
- Now that you have space, take the attention off her and why she’s wrong, and instead look in the mirror.
- Breathe. Relax into what is happening inside of your body. Feel.
- Dig underneath step 2 and go deeper by asking, “what belief or experience does being ‘judged and criticized’ trigger inside of me?” Typically, we uncover a deep insecurity, inadequacy, and lack of self-acceptance. It’s usually a big wound of some kind. Often men who get stuck in reaction are blind to this layer, so it can be tricky to find it on your own.
- If you are able to find the big artery of pain, take some space and go sit with this seemingly intolerable experience, feel it, and embrace it. Learn how to feel all of your feelings. Feel the entirety of your pain/discomfort and emotions in relationship to “not getting it right,” “not being good enough,” and the old & deep feelings of inadequacy (When we do this, there’s no place for her judgments to land and we get stronger in the face of criticism).
- Leading with vulnerability, come back in relationship and share the impact of her behavior and also what was discovered about yourself.
Bonus points:
10. Learn to validate her experience.
11. Dig some more and see if you can find some truth in her judgments. Am I a slacker? Do I need to work on my integrity? What is in the way of me following through with her demands? Am I unconsciously resisting as a “fuck you” to her, instead of owning my anger directly? What is it about me that continues to invite criticizm?
And, yes, I’m aware that his dynamic also shows up in the reverse where men are criticizing their female partners.
See also: The Nice Guy Syndrome