Here’s a very brief method for starting to work through conflict. Much more can be found next
There are many time-outs we can use in relationships. However, these two will take your relationships deeper because
no one is above this
Each year I think I have it–I think i know how to listen to my wife. But, as a man, trained in the art of “listening,” my knee-jerk reaction is to follow my agenda and where I want the conversation to go, where I want her to go, what I want her to see and do, and how awesome I am for helping her. I love to problem solve and help her have a breakthrough. None of which helps. Doah!
Disclaimer 1: I’m only talking about myself and my experience. I hope that she can write a response to my post at some point as it may be helpful to hear her take. Honey?
Disclaimer 2: I’m a typical guy. My default listening stetting is this: I’m listening from my mind. I like to Fix, problem solve, offer solutions and offer bright ideas to make it all better. This runs deep in me and most men. It’s interesting to note that I get
Years ago, when I “acted out” with whomever I was with, it was always because of something going on on my side. It was never her fault or because of her. Did she have a part? Sure, but blaming her got me nowhere. If I want to move past this type of behavior, which is out of integrity for me, then I need to look within.
For example, I had an emotional affair once, and it happened because a core
It’s my bias, that in a long term partnership, both parties need a small crew of support outside the marriage. The co-dependent isolated couple has no where to turn during the fight except to their partner. And, as some of you have found out thru your own experience, that’s complicated. It isn’t always effective or efficient. The person triggered by you, will struggle to support you in the heat of the moment. Yes, they can learn over time, but expecting them to show up for you if they are triggered by you will prove difficult initially. Going it alone during a fight is also limited.
Thus, we need community. We each need a pit crew to hold us during our
Ever meet that couple that’s been married for years that says proudly, “We never fight!” Um, yeah. That’s often (not always) a yellow flag for me. After I spend time with these folks it turns out that under their “polite” demeanor, they are afraid of the C word. While this couple can claim they have no baggage because they don’t fight, it’s more that they implicitly agreed to stuff the baggage they do have in the attic or the basement in service of keeping whatever connection they have in tact. This type of marriage is typically a bit stale or flat. Best buds and roomies.
It’s understandable why a lot of us behave like this, hold back, and avoid conflict since