Men and Sex

Art by Bryce Widom

Art by Bryce Widom

Most men are locked up and confused sexually.

I am a student when it comes to sex. Sex has brought me incredible shame and unbelievable joy in my life.

Pretty much every guy I have ever talked to about his sex life has been challenged one way or another in the bedroom.

Sex is the most widely googled term. By in large, we are a sexually repressed culture and it leaks out in hypersexualized images everywhere.

Most of us grew up being robbed of a genuine, heartfelt, honest education about sex. Men (and women of course) have received a ridiculous amount of misinformation about sex from boyhood to manhood. Many men remain sexually immature, confused and illiterate. Sex education completely falls short of the what we need to succeed and feel good about ourselves sexually.

As a result, many men are unhappy and ashamed. In addition, with little to no information about the power of sex and the male sex organ, boys and men act out everywhere from rape to every form of sexual abuse and violence. Instead of learning about his erectile dysfunction,  a man can now just take a pill to get a hard on without ever addressing the hidden intelligence of his body’s flaccidity. We remain numb, asleep, angry, hurt, isolated, and very confused about sex.

However, there are pockets of wisdom out there where children, teens and adults can get all the information they need. Brave folks like David Cates are paving the way to help us re-claim the totality of our sexuality. Last year I hired David who is a deep sexual healer (a.k.a. sex coach) to help me. My wife and I were ready to deepen into the next sexual phase of our relationship. Being married with a new baby presents challenges to new parents like us. I was eager to get support from David and learn a new sexual dance and carve out new sexual pathways with my wife.

I have read David Deida, Mantak Chia, the Multi-Orgasmic Male, and other tantric-type books, but all of them have put me further into the “performance game” that most men find themselves in. These teachers have helped a lot of men, but most men just employ the tools without doing any spiritual work, so they lack a solid foundation. The trap is that in order to feel good sexually and get what we want, a man thinks he has to try harder, perform better, “fuck her open to God,” and do it right. He learn tricks, tips, and breathing exercises, in a never ending “project” that requires a ton of work. It’s not too long into this process that many men collapse in frustration.

David Cates, on the other hand, turns this performance game on it’s head. He is teaching me that sex can be effortless. He is teaching me the power of relaxation instead of performance. His teachings are realistic and compassionate toward both parties. I have been so psyched on what I’m learning that I asked David if he’d teach at my leadership training. He did. It rocked. Now, I have asked him yet again to share more of his wisdom in a free conference call.

I strongly suggest you at least sign up for this free call we are doing next Monday the 16th.

After that, if you want to dive in to an amazing 6-week course on the subject of how to get out of the performance game and into a place of “ease” sexually, please join us. And, it’s not what you think, seriously. Click the link to view more about what you will learn…

The Truth is In Your Body, Effortless Sex for a Lifetime

Lastly, it is time we stop keeping sex as this hidden affair. The more we all collude and not share our sexual wounds and victories, the more we let our culture dictate the rules placed upon us so long ago. Let’s talk about sex!

Comments

comments

8 Comments

  1. Sex is it. It is our last frontier for conscious exploration. It is great the topic is coming out in the light. As you mentioned in your post, we all are affected by our culture’s limitations around sexuality. I know growing up as a boy than as a man sex was something I stumbled with every day.

    I am still learning that in the middle of the fear and need to perform is joy. Several years ago I did a couple years of training in Sacred Sexuality, as your post on the subject points out – there is great beauty available when sex is approached with love. Some of the Native Americans lineages put sex in the middle of their Medicine Wheel of spirit, emotions, body and mind.

    Over the years in my men’s group we have joked that the two least likely subjects a man will speak about is money and sex. We know a man has arrived when he starts speaking about his shadows in these areas. He learns as he releases his shame that all of us men have skeletons in our sexual closets. With his metaphorical nakedness he feels more a member of the group.

    Personally, I don’t think as men or women we can really grow until he or she addresses their body and sexually issues. They are often tied together. This doesn’t mean we need to ‘fix’ them. It means we need to accept them.

    Keep writing about this.

    Reply
    • Wow. Well said Owen. I so appreciate everything you said here. Yes, sex and money are least blogged about by me for sure, until now!

      Reply
  2. What beautiful work!

    Reply
  3. Yes! Thank you Jayson and thank you David. This is beautiful. I hear you howling for the reclamation of this terrain, so men and women can breathe, laugh, cry, sweat, love and play together – as it should be. Thank you for attending to your part of this dance. And we women will attend to ours!

    Reply
    • Yes, sister. Thank you! Keep your truth coming and thank you for the work you do with men and women!

      Reply
  4. It's so true that most guys who really go into this area, reading Deida or even Taoist texts, just come out with a bunch of techniques which just makes good sex a new goal to arrive at. Then you come to the point where you can delay ejaculation for hours, or whatever your little ego goal was, and you've made no real transformation. The point is you're missing it by distracting yourself with your stupid breathing exercises instead of really embracing the feelings and experience, relishing them and transcending them.

    Reply
  5. Hi Jayson– don't know if you remember but we met about a year ago at a red pill weekend in Boulder.

    I agree with what you're saying about sex being so performance based in this culture.

    One of the keys for me is to make the shift from being a “performer” in the bedroom to being an “explorer.” You can feel like a failure and experience a whole lot of shame if you're constantly trying to “perform” but if you're always an explorer… then you're just focusing on exploring (hopefully in a focused way) the possibility of going deeper within yourself and with your woman.

    Hope you're doing well

    Otto Collins

    http;//http://www.LightHerUp.com

    Reply
  6. Hi Jayson– don't know if you remember but we met about a year ago at a red pill weekend in Boulder.

    I agree with what you're saying about sex being so performance based in this culture.

    One of the keys for me is to make the shift from being a “performer” in the bedroom to being an “explorer.” You can feel like a failure and experience a whole lot of shame if you're constantly trying to “perform” but if you're always an explorer… then you're just focusing on exploring (hopefully in a focused way) the possibility of going deeper within yourself and with your woman.

    Hope you're doing well

    Otto Collins

    http;//http://www.LightHerUp.com

    Reply

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