I just returned from my 20 year high school reunion. Wow. Who did I connect with the most? My gay friends who were not openly gay growing up and my Mormon pals who left the LDS church. “Yup, I’m gay and this is my partner so and so….” So, immediately, I was super interested and intrigued about what it must have been like since high school (and before) to have walked in their shoes.
Gay men (and other oppressed folks) have had to face something that I, as a white, heterosexual dude have the luxury of avoiding–the question of personal identiy.
Disclaimer: I speak only from the therapeutic and coaching work I have done with gay men and from the gay friends I have. I invite my gay brothers to chime in here and speak about your own experience. I generalize here and I feel okay about it. Am I sterotyping? Perhaps. You tell me.
If you are gay, from a very early age, you have had to face your identity head on. No matter how much you try to avoid it, or suppress it, it will haunt you, so my gay friends tell me. The core incongruency is so painful and jarring, that it is impossible to avoid successfully unless you are an advanced narcissist and surround yourself with brainwashing so powerful, you completely leave behind who you really are for a false identity that will grant you what you want so badly—more acceptance or perceived acceptance.
Generally, the advanced narcissist has so much power, money, and privilege that he can continue to hide. But even with the narcissist, his secret life will eventually leak out. His porn addiction, his sexual acting out, his fraudulent behavior, the lying, cheating, etc. Since he has such a fragile ego, and his identity is false, he goes on the offensive and often attacks, thus defending the fragile inner core. What’s deep inside the narcissist may never be discovered as many of these men take their secrets to their grave.
The gay man, on the other hand, is used to being on the defensive. Everything in modern, western culture is stacked against him. It seems to me that an openly gay man still has less rights than a woman, a black man, or a disabled veteran (correct me if I’m wrong here). Strangely, every other man knowingly or unknowingly measures himself against a gay man. Growing up, if you act weak, too emotional, or feminine, you will likely be made fun of as a fag, girly, or gay. As I have written before, this can be a boy or man’s biggest fear–being perceived as gay, or too feminine. So a straight man must act “not gay” rather than just being himself. And, a gay man must do the same.
When a gay man finally does have the tremendous courage to “come out” and owns that he is gay, he might experience relief, the burden lifted, even though what lies ahead is still incredibly steep for him. But the gay man’s journey to coming out is a hero’s journey by all accounts.
He must dive deep inside and investigate what is actually true. And this is the meat of what I’m trying to say here. Gay men do the work. What work? The work to get to know oneself fully, to become aligned with who you are. A gay man who comes out addresses the core incongruency that we all feel inside. Once this core identity issue is addressed, a solid foundation is now in place for a man to move forward in life and is now more resourced to handle all of life’s challenges.
For most of us straight folks, the only time we have to face ourselves is when we are in pain. We too know what a core incongruency feels like, but we don’t always act, nor do we have to act. It is not until life throws us a major curve ball via a crisis or cosmic loving connection, do we even have to pay attention. So, let us take a note from the playbook of the gay man who has come out. That guy has serious balls. Let him motivate you to find that core congruency in yourself so that you can stop living someone else’s truth and live your own.
To review, what can us straight guys learn from gay guys? Fearless self-honesty.
Thank you gay brothers and sisters for modeling the courage it takes to look in the mirror and get honest. You inspire me.
p.s. I also understand that once a gay man is openly gay it doesn’t mean he continues a path of self-honesty. He can be just as full of shit as the rest of us!
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August
18. August 2010
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