3 Mistakes That Are Driving Your Man Further Away

What if I told you that I used to be one of the most emotionally unavailable men out there?

What if I told you I was shut down?

What if I told you I did everything I could to avoid a fight and absolve myself of responsibility?

What if, when we struggled in a relationship, I’d blame you, and find faults with you, so as to not date you anymore, all so I could keep avoiding whatever the hell was going on on my side?

Would you still want to date me as the detached guy that I was?

You might…

And, you might even be dating, or married to, this guy, right?

Why?

Because, unconsciously, you are attracted to this type of guy (that’s another story).

And because without really realizing it, you are invested in your pattern of “helping” a struggling man.

It’s true…

Fortunately for me, and my wife, I’m no longer this guy.

And, every woman I dated prior to my wife  tried pretty damn hard to help me, to crack the code of my heart, to open me, to get inside my head.

emotionally unavailable man

Yes, I was this guy for a long, long time (real pic of me in the video below). That was…. until I cracked.

But my “crack” wasn’t because of my girlfriend’s trying to help me.

My relationship failures had reached an all time high. It felt horrible.

I was done. I had to get this part of my life handled.

So, I did.

And, I learned psychology, started to meditate, met my wife, and became a relationship coach and expert, to help others have breakthroughs like I had.

And, here’s the thing, you are not alone, nor is there anything “wrong” with you. It’s just that your approach isn’t working and you could use some help. Countless women are out there trying to help “checked out” guys like me.

So, I’m going to ask you to stop doing three things right now.

Watch this short, educational video.

If you are the one trying to improve your marriage and your spouse is a little stuck, or disinterested, for whatever reason, watch this:

 

To review, the three mistakes are:

E: Expecting him to be who you want him to be. When you expect your man to live up to your unrealistic expectations, he will disappoint you every single time.

Learn when is it okay to have expectations of him and when it’s not.

I get it. You want him to reach his potential, that’s why you love him. But this is hurting your relationship.

H: Hoping he will change and hoping your relationship will get better. I see this one all the time. Hoping everything will get better. Hoping your man will wake up one day with a grand epiphany that he loves you and wants to learn and grow alongside with you to make your marriage better! Not so much.

Using hope to improve your relationship is like hoping you make more money in your life or hoping you get happier—just with hope! That will get you where you are—frustrated, fed up, and feeling like a victim.

H: Helping him when he’s not asking for it. Ever try to stop an alcoholic friend from drinking every day? It doesn’t work and if it does temporarily, they are quitting for you, not themselves. The only way for a person to get sober is on their own. You can’t do it for them.

Your man doesn’t want help (at least not in the way your giving it to him). If he did, he’d ask for it. Treat him like a grown up and trust that if, and when, he needs help, he will ask.

Also, there is a much more effective way to help him, but more importantly there’s a much more effective way to help you get what you want–your connection with him, right? Sure, you want to help him, but let’s be honest, you want him back, you want him to connect with you, to meet you, to understand you. Yes?

Okay then, here’s your first step— go do this one proven method that will turn him, and this whole issue, around for you.

Remember, your way has him feeling judged and criticized, even though you are trying to help!

And, remember, this is coming from a guy who was the man you’re married to. I was a very “resistant” man for many years. I had my reasons why and understanding those reasons will be important to getting under the hood of the male brain and why we do what we do…

16 Comments

  • Catalina

    Reply Reply January 11, 2015

    I’m very interested in your webinar. How do I sign up?

  • Kathy

    Reply Reply January 13, 2015

    I must have done something right! My man is now wanting to come to counselling and is looking at the part he plays in our troubled relationship. He is asking questions of himself as to why he behaves like he does, why he reacts like a 3 year old to some things I do and now he is trying to communicate honestly with me. He is also like you Jayson seeing that the 30 or so failed relationships he has had in the last 7 years before meeting me had him in it. I don’t want to do anything that will prevent him from moving forward. I hope your webinar helps me to do just that.

  • michelle

    Reply Reply September 27, 2015

    Interesting, thanks for sharing

  • Chelsi

    Reply Reply September 28, 2015

    So far so good! And I’ve only stepped away a short distance and he is already becoming the one to give in and show me attention first.

  • Nancy

    Reply Reply December 18, 2015

    ….or you could just find a mature man who values you and is not a narcissist to start with…

  • erica

    Reply Reply February 24, 2016

    Every time I try to play the game where I back away, he does pay attention, but who wants to live like that???? he will be around for a while, and then we are right back in the same situation. I am a very emotional woman, and he is not emotional. I feel like giving up. why should I waste my time with someone who will never be able to communicate???

  • Wes

    Reply Reply February 25, 2016

    Although I’m a heterosexual female, I am that guy. #working on me.

    • Jayson

      Reply Reply February 27, 2016

      I hear you. Glad you can relate.

  • annie

    Reply Reply February 29, 2016

    Dude!
    You’re killing me. Is it really our fault, as women, that we don’t know how to get our man to be who we want him to be and that if we practice new tricks, we’ll get him to love us like we want to be loved? Why isn’t your advice these two sentences:”Get the fuck away from anyone who doesn’t appreciate you,” “And get a therapist,”?
    Aren’t you simply telling us that we need to change, to mold our behavior, to catch a husband? Dude! You’re breaking my heart.

  • Jen

    Reply Reply May 17, 2016

    This is exactly the opposite of what women need to hear. Women are always told that they’re the ones who need to change their expectations and that men can only give so much and to be patient with our poor, fragile men. This advice isn’t new- it’s centuries old and actually limits men from being able to be the best humans they can be. This patriarchical bs is killing women. Seriously – men use shit like this as reasons to commit domestic violence. You should stop. You’re making things worse.

  • Ayla

    Reply Reply August 17, 2016

    Wow, some of these comments are baffling! Jayson I appreciate your work so, so much. It makes so much sense to me and I come back to your posts and podcasts again and again to geek out. Thank you!

  • Jenn

    Reply Reply September 4, 2016

    I listen to your podcasts – they are fantastic. Your ability to share information in an often humorous way feels good to me. They are my go-to when we hit a rough patch. I have to say, though, that this post is one of the things that don’t feel good. It’s gender specific and gross. Another is the “click here” to find out more and the emails about more info, webinars, courses, etc. I know you have to make money. It just feels…sleazy. You’re dealing with a vulnerable population, and you have the greatness to succeed in your efforts to help without going…there.

  • Mae

    Reply Reply January 10, 2017

    My partner and I have been in a non-monogamous relationship for over a year and a half. We have not had other partners for 8 months. (I have made it clear that other partners need to be trans transparent for safety reasons). For the past 6 months he has been rehabilitating from a climbing accident on crescent archs in tuillomme meadows. I was his belayer on that route). We have gotten very close since then as I was caring for him and helping him with rehab. Just recently, he has had major family and personal issues and it has been wearing him down since he keeps getting sick. I am currently frusterated due to his emotional and physical unavailability. And also that he has been pulling away. I know he gets uncomfortable when we get to close. I am uncomfortable because I am not used to this distance and disconnect. Help!

  • Sherri Andersen

    Reply Reply January 20, 2018

    I am baffled, I have been married 34 years. My husband announced he will no longer sleep with me because it will lead to sex and he isn’t interested anymore. He won’t kiss me,just hug me. Barely talks, but is very helpful and giving in other ways. Don’t think he’s cheating. We have had a good sex life for many years. He’s been to a Dr. Had his testosterone levels checked, they were normal. He refuses to talk to me about it. Said it’s his choice,this is how he feels inside. He says he loves me very much and wants to stay married. We are in our mid 50’s, going without affection forever seems impossible. I am thinking forever is a long time and things could change?? I am willing to clean up my side of the street,but overwhelmed on where to begin???

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