For guys that say to their girlfriends, “You deserve better than me.”

When trying to end a relationship, guys will often say something like, “You deserve better than me.”

This pre-break up statement is a cop out.

I know because I used to make it all the time.

Men who say this have left a few things unexamined…

First, you’re in her space.

Get back in your own space.

Second, this is an insult to her. Why? Because you are assuming you know what’s best for her. Telling her what she deserves and what she doesn’t deserve isn’t your place.

Show her more respect and trust she can take care of herself, even if she may be acting like she can’t.

Third, by saying this, you get to avoid taking responsibility for your fear and insecurities. Investigate what drives this kind of statement. Get outside help to see what you are not seeing.

Fourth, you are putting yourself down. Find a way to walk taller than this. Somewhere inside, you’re a badass. Learn to own and embrace your awesomeness.

If you judge yourself in relationship, do something about it so you feel good about how you show up in a partnership.

As an alternative, take more responsibility and try saying things like, “I’m scared and not able to commit right now.” “I feel like I’ve reached my limit for intimacy and need a break.” “I doubt myself in relationship.” “I think you should be the one to move on because if I end this I’m too scared to hurt your feelings, feel uncomfortable myself, and thus be judged as the bad guy.”

By taking the attention off her and putting it on yourself, you can start to get under what is likely a habitual pattern or block in the relationship.

C’mon fellahs, you can do this…

3-secre

 

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27 Comments

  • julie

    Reply Reply September 20, 2013

    ‘You deserve better than me” sounds like the male version of what gals say, “It’s not you…it’s me.” Do you really think the orator believes what he/she is saying? Sounds like two gentler versions of, “I’m just not into you.”

  • Kei

    Reply Reply June 7, 2014

    BS. I gave someone this line. You know why?

    She did deserve better. I wasn’t willing to commit to her and she deserved someone who did. Why would anyone want their partner to stay out of pity?

    • Tara

      Reply Reply November 12, 2017

      Because why would you tell someone they deserve better instead of just saying “I don’t like you enough to be better and I think we should break up”? Obviously you have no idea what they deserve or what they want because well you arnt them, so how would you know? But you do know what you deserve, which is why men flip this on women. Making it seem like we deserve better(which may be true) but is a total cop out so that you don’t have to be the one to break it off, hoping they’ll do it for you because they “deserve better”. Such a load of crap.

    • Cands

      Reply Reply April 19, 2018

      First of all, the fact that I’m even here reading this thread means I’m looking for relationship advice/clues on google as to why the fuck things have gone so pear shaped in my own life. I’ll own that. 100%. Because things have gone pear shaped. In fact, things have transformed from wanting to be with him to being with him because it’s what I’m comfortable with (and I speak for him too). Our relationship began as something hot, exciting and consistently energetic. There was never a moment that I felt bored with him. Then we started arguing over stupid, petty shit. And I found myself apologizing repeatedly, groveling for forgiveness and going out of my way to make up for my mistakes only for him to give me the silent treatment for 2-3 days and suddenly call me out of the blue asking if I wanted to have dinner as if the last 3 days wasn’t spent in silent, critical self-torture. But when he screwed up (which was equally as bad as my own, if not worse), I’d speak to him the next morning and he’d be defensive at first denying any accountability for his behavior and then eventually soften up and admit he screwed up and say to me “I feel bad enough as it is, you don’t need to make me feel worse. I’m human and I mess up.” Upon hearing that my defenses would soften if not deteriorate all together and I’d wholeheartedly tell him all is forgiven and we’d move on to have a great day. Ladies. Listen up and listen clearly. I’m a codependent person, I’m in a codependent relationship. All my relationships have been that way and I’ll admit it’s a mindset I follow because codependency is like an addictive habit to break but it started somewhere. It either started with you as a child and your dad leaving home. Or it started with your Mom and her never ending pursuit of happiness. Or maybe it started with your inexplicable quest to be recognized as the whizz kid in school. My point is it started somewhere and like an illness it manifest. I’m still in a “relationship” with the above mentioned example and that’s because I’m codependent. I can openly admit that I have serious issues with self-esteem and standing up to myself but the ironic (and sick) part of that is putting theory to the test and getting the hell out of dodge (I believe someday I will). My ever increasing lack of dedication to fix us is an indication that I’m almost okay. But back to the point, if a guy tells you that you deserve better then you should probably listen up. Yes, it’s his manipulative victim-blame bullshit, but there is a tiny part of him that knows it’s true even though he tries his best to snuff out that little voice. If the man you love says that, believe it…because he believes it. Except in reverse psychology. What he really means is “you don’t deserve me, i deserve better than you”. That is a clear show of doubt in your relationship and it’s lifespan. If he believes in you, in him – he would never say you deserve better. Instead he’d say “I deserve you, and you deserve me”. Maybe some day i’ll practice what I preach; until then find the happiness you deserve, even if it’s just with you.

      • Hannah

        Reply Reply October 6, 2018

        You are in an abusive relationship. Those are the emotional patterns of an abuser… he will never change. You will never be able to be good enough for him to treat you well, he is incapable. Please trust me… if you see ANY signs of physical violence (throwing things for example) believe that he is dangerous.

        You deserve better.

  • Renee Wade

    Reply Reply December 11, 2014

    Hi Jayson,

    It surely is a possible sign that the man doesn’t want to step up and take responsibility.

    Also, when a man says this – it’s possible that what he’s really saying is; “I don’t feel that there is enough (emotional) attraction and connection in the relationship”.

    Or he could really be saying: “I don’t feel like I’m enough and I can’t be in relationship right now because of that.”

    What are your thoughts?

    – Renee.

    • Jayson

      Reply Reply December 27, 2014

      Renee,
      In my experience, a dude rarely says this if he’s not feeling the connection or attraction. That’s another subtle way he’s making her wrong. While he might convince himself of that being the reason, there’s most often more to the story. Typically, he’s got a fear of commitment, which is a sign of a fear of intimacy. And, if we dig deep enough we find the real fear driving him.

  • Grace

    Reply Reply December 26, 2014

    In a twist on this statement, my boyfriend of two years (living together for one year), has said to me, in response to my asking why he avoids having sex with me, has said, and I quote: “I don’t know honey, I’ve had better”. Stunned and shocked. This from a man I love deeply and whom I thought loved me, in all ways a seemingly kind and lovely man – out of the bedroom. However he constantly watches porn behind my back, explaining “men are visually stimulated”, which I take to mean ‘you don’t look attractive to me’. He has said “I’m not attracted to you’ also and says he was initially but “it waned” and “it was never strong”.
    What kind of man am I dealing with? Stunned, shocked and hurt deeply. No apology forthcoming.
    He will not go to couples counselling or therapy with me, or discuss it. He just stares silently at me when I try to discuss this. He says he will not sit in front of a counsellor and say hurtful things to me.

    • n

      Reply Reply January 5, 2015

      Grace – I empathize with you. I lived the same issue (without the same kind of upfront verbal defence your boyfriend is giving you) and Jayson is completely right – he has deep seeded fear of intimacy, hence the porn. It nearly destroyed me to find out I was in love with something that wasn’t real. It took a lot to end the “relationship”. but when that relationship is one-sided, you are not IN a relationship, you are not truly relating. If it is not making you feel respected, you deserve to offer better to yourself. My ex didn’t want to go to couple counselling either, because he didn’t want to give up the porn (one way of how he dealt with his depression). It continued to put more distance between us, and there was nothing I could do to change anything. So I stopped trying to control him. I left. 2 years later, I am free and achieving my own potential in so many ways. I wish you strength and courage. And there is a great book that helped me: “Codependency No More”

      • Hannah

        Reply Reply October 6, 2018

        He has an addiction. He had destroyed his ability to physically connect to any real woman in real life in healthy ways.

        This can be healed, if he recognizes that he has a problem.

  • Aj

    Reply Reply August 23, 2015

    One of the reasons could be that he isn’t capable enough to keep her happy providing her a lifestyle that she deserves ,she should be with someone who can provide her a better life..so in short he doesn’t want her life to be ruined

    • Lisa

      Reply Reply May 10, 2018

      Wow, this is my relationship in so many ways but instead of porn it became World of Warcraft and then a weed addiction was added to the prior addiction. The first 2.5 years were lovely (we lived together for one of those years too), the third year together became a disaster when he started playing WoW. We took a break at Christmas because he just wasn’t sure and then begged for me back and realized he still loved me. Fast forward to now, and he’s decided he loves me and I’m the best friend he ever had, but, he loves his addictions more. He used to say I was the best thing that ever happened to him and a month ago he told me WoW was the best thing that ever happened to him. I am now alone but it feels better than that emotional rollercoaster. It’s sad because there was such potential until he decided to give up. Thank you for sharing that you are in a better place without your guy now. I now have more energy to focus on fulfilling my potential just like you! Girl power FTW!

  • jadis

    Reply Reply November 22, 2015

    my boyfriend who we haven’t seen each other for over two years said this to me…it felt like he was being honest and that something I value in life… he is very into high life and seem reluctant to leave it which made it look like he made his decision… he then said he thinks we are better as friends because we are always that way then when i asked if thats something he wants he said no….I do not understand this

  • Stephen

    Reply Reply March 14, 2017

    I gave my girlfriend everything all my love, my heart, my body, my soul and she hurt me over and over again till I finally had enough. I left her but after a short while I discovered she’s with someone else and it was tearing me apart that i could not endure it but to find a solution which i did by contacting a man named Dr.Mack by his email address dr.mac@yahoo. com, after 3 days, my relationship was resolved, my girlfriend is mine again and she is never gonna leave again, i am so excited
    Stephen. Louisiana

  • Diane Smith

    Reply Reply May 22, 2017

    Jason,

    I am 3 years in and I love my bf..we have broken up twice..and now he made the decision to date again..I am super thrilled..we communicate very differently but, i am hoping to have a committed relationship..this time around i am not pushing anything but I really want a committed relationship..he never likes to discuss it. Or say bf and gf..he still has his dating profile up but, I am the only girl he is with but, he did say at one point..yes we are dating but I wanna keep my options open?? What does that mean?? If a better offer comes he will bail? But yet he always text me..sends me pictures to show he cares..he sends kisses and hugs and he is the one that wanted to try dating again..I fell in love with him at one point he was saying it ..but we just started dating again…how do I get him to feel that again? Or did he ever really feel it? He always checks in and seems to care..idk what to say or do?? Di

  • John

    Reply Reply May 26, 2017

    Ah yes – women will always think this statement coming from a guy is a lie. This is classic projection. You see, women are so used to lying to men and each other that they assume everyone does it. Guess what ladies: Men and women both have the right to break up with anyone, at any time, for no reason at all. If you don’t like me telling the truth, then I’ll say we are finished because we’re not compatible. You’re the ones who are always searching for a reason for the breakup (so you can trash him later with your girlfriends, or obsess about it forever). You bring all of this misery on yourselves. It comes down to the fact that no one is entitled to a relationship with anyone. My reasons for not wanting one with you are, frankly, none of your business. If you’re going to love, be prepared to get dumped. It happens to everyone.

    • Sher

      Reply Reply November 11, 2017

      Hey John, yes the reasons are her business, if you cared about her you’d tell her the honest truth. Not this bullshit line.
      Knowing the truth helps people reconcile with the break up, get closure and move on. By not telling her you’re being cruel and devaluing your relationship, even though it’s over.
      Perhaps that’s why women have bitched after its ended… because they wanted the honest truth and they knew they were fed a load of BS because the guy couldn’t be honest.

    • Anita Taco

      Reply Reply June 23, 2019

      You sound angry, John. You should funnel that anger into sometthing healthy, transmute it. If only for your own health and happiness! Don’t forget, every future girl, is not the same girl as your ex. However, people have a tendency to live up or down to our expectations. If you expect the worst, and make no bones about showing that’s what you expect, you will likely get it, vice versa.
      I just noticed the post is 2 years old, but whatever, I’m still gonna post mine.

  • Lucy

    Reply Reply September 27, 2017

    Hi, recently my bf wasn’t making time to get together. He said on Friday that he was planning to meet me Sunday then in Sunday, he said he was sick. We have not seen each other for 1.5 months because he went to visit his parents in India from Aug 23 to Sept 6. The n workload, jetlag, 3 teenagers he lives with, demanding parents.

    I got mad & thought he is just making excuses to avoid me so I blew up & told him I give up & that I don’t believe his excuses & I deserve better & that I think he is seeing another”. I also accused him of cheating So he responded saying “you deserve better & more than i can offer and please do not write to me anymore”.

  • Me

    Reply Reply October 18, 2017

    It’s not always a way to ditch someone.

    I haven’t dated in perhaps 10 years, largely because I KNOW I’m not good enough for anyone else.

  • sherrue

    Reply Reply December 21, 2017

    i was so heartbroken butafter 3 days of contacting greatmutaba@gmail. com, my lover came.

  • Aj

    Reply Reply January 11, 2018

    Hello can I have some advise? I was with a ex for six months.
    We had our ups and down on occasions I raised my concerns about his over friendly behaviour towards women, and not sleeping next to me, and not wanting to spend more time with me as he did spend a lot time with friends doing events where as I wanted to do some with him too. Recently I raised my concern about him not wanting to spend new year with me he said he was compromising giving me Christmas Day but spending New Years with his friends. I raised that new year is special to me and you should want to spend it with someone you cared he disagreed and said it’s not special to him. I said I don’t want to break up but to work this out and he started crying and saying I deserve better and that his unhappy and he can see us keep disagreeing . So he ended it. I stated to him that you just don’t want to commit and care enough for o make the effort and you won’t get a relationship without disagreements. We exchanged Christmas gifts and he text me the following days he knows his to independent and he hates the way is of which I said I am glad you noticed there something wrong. He then said he would like to talk also when everything has called down if I’m up for it. I said yes. What do you guys/girls think to this? I’m not a insecure women I don’t mind him talking to women it was just he acted like he was single when we out in couples and I left with the couple as he is very popular with women so he would always see people out. So in a sense I felt neglected and he did not turn down women’s advances as where I do I show respect to my partners when I’m out with them. I don’t know what to think am I at fault or was I right raising my concerns about his behaviour and commitment issues. This guy also is known to only ever have 6months relationships . As I found out after the break up.

  • Marie Ingrisano

    Reply Reply March 17, 2018

    I have dated for the last year a very interesting, compelling man. We have an awesome sexual connection and spend time wilderness camping or writing lymerics or talking about science. I believe he is gently asbergers as he has trouble reading social cues and is a bit awkward that way…less empathy and connection than I am used to. Still I get him and love him as he is. He has triggers around being rejected. Any suggestions for a lovely man who is not wired the same as most?

  • Michael

    Reply Reply April 2, 2018

    This is total bullshit.

    I’m not in a relationship now and haven’t been in one for seven years because I honestly am NOT worth the trouble.

    There really are men out there who honestly are NOT worth the effort. Why do people have such a hard time accepting something that I KNOW is true?

    • Anita Taco

      Reply Reply June 23, 2019

      I think it’s because we all are our own worst critic, and maybe people around you can see something you don’t see from your perspective. I don’t mean that typical bs where a girl falls for a guys potential or what she can “make” him into, either. Any woman worth her salt knows you cant make anyone, especially a man do anything they don’t want to.

      I do mean though, that maybe you are too hard on yourself, or not willing to stand up and be great for fear of falling. I use to be my own worst enemy, then I realized this isn’t a dress rehearsal, life is passing me by, and I don’t want to wake up one day and say WTF did I waste and throw away?

      Hospice nurses say the top deathbed regrets they hear are being sorry for not taking more risks, wishing they had loved more, working too much/spending too little time with family, & wishing they had kept in touch with friends.

  • May

    Reply Reply July 30, 2018

    I know this friend for 8 years before we dated for a year. He introduced me to his parents and close friends within 3 months of dating. We got along well but never had sex, due to religion. He could talk about anything except his feelings. Initially I thought he needed time to open up as he was just divorced from his wife of 18 years. But I just felt something was missing all along. I initiated a break up one year later, without knowing the exact reason. It was only after the break up, I got to know about “emotionally unavailable man”.

    I still have feelings for him, but it is not possible for us to get together, mainly because he blamed me for the break up and hence, he is seeing someone else.

    After much consideration, I told him that he has some characteristics of an emotionally unavailable man. Knowing he’s a egoistic man, he would not agree with me.

    He had always told me he has a dark past which he could not tell me and i deserved better.

    I sincerely wish that he can open himself up, as he does deserve a fulfilling relationship with the next potential partner.

    I know I can’t help him but how do I suggest something to him so that he can seek help or understand more about his unavailability?

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