photo by Jason Ippolito, flickr Creative Commons
If I’m a man and my female partner criticizes me for little stuff, big stuff, and the way I go about things, I might find myself blaming her and wanting her to be different. However, I don’t recommend trying to change her. Instead, look in the mirror.
When she does criticize, no matter how big or small, my pattern is probably to get defensive and justify what I did or how I did it. My woman then might get reactive and pissed because I’m defending rather than validating her. Little do i know it, but I’m throwing logs on her fire. Eventually I might shut down and she might pull
away. This common approach is a losing battle.
If you are a guy who finds your self in this dynamic or some version of it, the way out of this one is for you to do a few things:
- Ask yourself why you’ve attracted a “critical” woman into your life? It is no mistake. There is a reason. Typically, the reason is so that you can repair some old wound around feeling judged or criticized as a child. Be grateful you have this opportunity to heal something in yourself that will change this dynamic for good.
- Stop defending yourself or justifying why you did it how you did it, etc. Skip this habitual step. It’s a dead end and highly overrated.
- Learn how to communicate responsibly. “Ouch! I’m feeling judged and criticized right now.” Etc, etc.
- Set a boundary by saying something like, “whoah, I won’t be talked to like that, please stop.” Then, go take space and deal with your shit.
- Now that you have space, take the attention off her and why she’s wrong, and instead look in the mirror.
- Breathe. Relax into what is happening inside of your body. Feel.
- Dig underneath step 2 and go deeper by asking, “what belief or experience does being ‘judged and criticized’ trigger inside of me?” Typically, we uncover a deep insecurity, inadequacy, and lack of self-acceptance. It’s usually a big wound of some kind. Often men who get stuck in reaction are blind to this layer, so it can be tricky to find it on your own.
- If you are able to find the big artery of pain, take some space and go sit with this seemingly intolerable experience, feel it, and embrace it. Learn how to feel all of your feelings. Feel the entirety of your pain/discomfort and emotions in relationship to “not getting it right,” “not being good enough,” and the old & deep feelings of inadequacy (When we do this, there’s no place for her judgments to land and we get stronger in the face of criticism).
- Leading with vulnerability, come back in relationship and share the impact of her behavior and also what was discovered about yourself.
Bonus points:
10. Learn to validate her experience.
11. Dig some more and see if you can find some truth in her judgments. Am I a slacker? Do I need to work on my integrity? What is in the way of me following through with her demands? Am I unconsciously resisting as a “fuck you” to her, instead of owning my anger directly? What is it about me that continues to invite criticizm?
And, yes, I’m aware that his dynamic also shows up in the reverse where men are criticizing their female partners.
See also: The Nice Guy Syndrome
9 Comments
JSR
August 8, 2013Some people are just critical–women and men alike. My mom is one. For years I attracted partners like that. I thought it was either just how people are, or it was my due- that there was a lot to be critical of in me. Neither turned out to be the case. They were critical people. And I did myself a disservice to open to them. As a child I had no choice. It was the water I swam in. As an adult I have the responsibility and the opportunity to be discerning and choose well. No amount of my ‘opening ‘ to critical people is going to change who or how they are.
Jayson
August 9, 2013JR, great point bro. your work was to move on and set healthy boundaries. that might be the case for many b/c sometimes no amount of opening will change Other as you pointed out. And, if it keeps happening that i attract critical folks into my life, there’s a lesson i haven’t learned yet.
Sunkiss
August 8, 2013This feels relevant to our experience. I would like to express that women are not intending to be critical. We feel enormous responsibility for the well being and balance of our family. We fall asleep thinking of ways we can help our family grow, eat healthier, live happier. We see ways to do this and set out the next morning to create this in our families. Our focus is this alone but we forget to take into our awareness that our husbands are on a different perspective. Though the intention might be the same, the ways might different. So when our husbands do something that we take as not the most efficient, not the best way, or not in trajectory with our vision, our communication comes out as critical. Which then seems to touch on our partners inner wounds. This happens both ways, when women feel criticized also. In fact this morning my husband and I have been working through this very same issue. We have decided to try to be clear about which responsibilities I am responsible for and which ones he is and to try to not step in when the other is doing their part. Thank you for sharing.
Jayson
August 9, 2013great observations. yes, please practice, go deeper!
Matthew
August 8, 2013I like this, as it totally removes any sort of discussion about whether or not she is “right”.
I’ve been dating a woman who is really into teasing, but it morphed into critiquing everything from the way I tie my shoes to questioning my masculinity. Rather than engaging her on that, I checked myself.
Jayson
August 9, 2013yup. and, sounds like a boundary is needed as well. I’m not big on sarcasm or teasing in relationship. and, i’m a huge fan of humor.
Elliott
August 9, 2013This was a timely post for me…thanks Jayson.
Something from Way of the Superior Man has actually been helping me recently, which is the idea that when my woman does things to provoke me, including criticizing, she is doing it to get me to be more present. If the only way she can feel me is by my retaliation to her jabs, then that maybe criticizing is her way of getting me to show up more.
Jayson
August 12, 2013true, and we only need to put up with “jabs” a few times, after that, it’s abusive and might be time to set a serious boundary or leave.
JF
August 9, 2013Jayson, thanks for this. I hardly ever see an email from you and this time I’m glad I did because this is quite pertinent to me right now. I think some of the criticism in my case is helping me see what I have to step up to and man up. The rest is probably uncalled for. Either way this brings more awareness to the issue and provides me a road map. Thank you again.
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