How and Why I Failed in 2010

2010 was a big year of death and failure for me.

Disclaimer: Don’t worry, I’m not feeling sorry for myself or needing any pity. Read on…

Here are some of the main failures.

*In 2008, I started Revolutionary Man to change the world, specifically the world of men. I had a big idea, a big vision. I wanted to reach 1 million men. I wanted the men of the world to step up and get their shit together. A lot of my ego was involved in that project. I failed. In April of 2010, I let go of that brand and the vision behind it. Done. Gone.

*Early in 2010, I visioned a men’s conference that in September 2010 gathered 45 men and women from around the world in hopes of galvanizing the men’s movement and evolving masculinity. I wanted to be a notable leader within that movement. Instead, the conference showed me that we are not ready (or willing) to collaborate in one shared vision and move it forward. It also showed me how covertly I was trying to use the conference to leverage my own personal gain. Fortunately, I failed.

*I had an idea of making 6 figures last year. Didn’t happen. Far from it.

*I had a vision for leading more workshops, retreats and events. I only led two.

*I wanted to be somebody. To leave my mark. To be important. I wanted the world to hear my roar. Instead, my roar was confusing, judgmental, and strange.  The more I tried to be somebody, the less it worked.

There were more mini failures all along the way, too many to report here.

The Silver Lining?

Each of these failures helped me let go of who I thought I was, who others wanted me to be. The failures helped me feel how painful it is when I try to be somebody and how exhausting it is to create something from sheer will.

I failed because I wasn’t willing to listen or trust. I failed because I tried too hard to be someone and get you to like me.

And the irony of course, is that all of these failures combined make up the single biggest success of my entire life—my willingness to surrender and let go of who I thought I was and to die to who I really am. This was the great big death in 2010. Who ever thought dying would be a success?

The personality of Jayson died a slow painful death. He is still dying. In his place is emerging a more relaxed, less needy, more willing servant of humanity and Spirit.

Sure, I could have succeeded in the conventional sense in any one of these areas.  I could have been a poster boy of American success, given my privilege, power, education and skill set.

For example, had I kept at it, I could have taken “Revolutionary Man” or any of my “big ideas” to the spotlight within a certain number of years. Not because I’m special but because I’m a 3 on the enneagram. 3’s just get shit done and won’t ever stop until they succeed. Neurotic 3’s use “will” to bulldoze their way to success, even if it kills them.

But underneath their drive, 3’s also want to succeed in order to get the goodies of love, acceptance, and approval from the world. And try as they might, it will never work. They might look successful on the outside, but they always feel empty on the inside. No amount of external praise or validation ever sets them free.

So, I’m learning to be, to trust the great mystery of my life, to trust the not knowing, to love myself deeper, and to put my self-aggrandizement aside. An integrated 3 moves from “what’s in it for me?” to “how can we move forward together?”

As Sandra Maitri says in The Spiritual Dimension of the Enneagram regarding the work of the 3:

“Spritiual development then is really a matter of nondoing and of removing the obstacles and logjams that impede the flow of our souls.”

I’m learning and re-learning how to let go of what isn’t alive for me and what no longer serves me.

I celebrate the failures. They are all manure, incubating the seeds of my future.

What’s next for me in 2011?

I don’t know just yet. I continue to attend to the dying process while tending to what’s emerging out of the ashes.

In the meantime, I am juggling parenting two brilliant kids, listening deeply, and doing about the only thing I do know how to do; heal and help others.

22 Comments

  • Bill Harryman

    Reply Reply January 4, 2011

    dude, you're not a 3 on the Enneagram, you're Jayson – son, husband, father, etc – just saying . . . .

  • Vincent Mikolay

    Reply Reply January 4, 2011

    I'd like to reconnect.

    • Jayson

      Reply Reply January 5, 2011

      Sounds good Vince. when? where?

  • Tosh Hyodo

    Reply Reply January 4, 2011

    Love your blog Jason, we share a similar path, a shared passion for truth. Stripped down honesty, feeling and speaking from the heart without any other agenda but that. Feeling dead inside, feeling unbelievably alive inside, the whole gamut. Our Heart Virtue is a powerful, accurate GPS for heartful living which I believe is one of the keys to what Joanna Macy refers to as the Great Turning. God bless.

  • Lanafoladare

    Reply Reply January 4, 2011

    Awesome Jayson. As a 9 with a 3wing, I've been through a similar process and am now allowing my life to come to me. Take heart friend, you've always been on your path:)

    • Jayson

      Reply Reply January 5, 2011

      Ha. Thanks Lana! I don't think you can have a 3 wing as a 9. you have 1 or 8 wings, and you heal to 3. I stress to 9.

  • Jonathan

    Reply Reply January 5, 2011

    Jayson, your site has been a constant presence in my life over 2010 and I can say for certain that it will not change in 2011…thank you for your honesty, depth and overall awareness for your situation.

    In some ways you're helping me wake up to my own failings, moving into a new way of seeing who I am, what I can do and, like yourself, trying to be liked so damn much. I became aware recently that I crave appreciation and acknowledgement from others; when this doesn't happen (or doesn't happen at a level I would consider to be of benefit to me) I get down on myself. This isn't how I want to be, more work is needed.

    You've got the ability to speak deeply and passionately about what works for you and who you are, man – carry that forward because I'm sure over time more men (and women) will hear you. I have no doubts your children will be surrounded by so much love! Peace be with you dude!

    • Jayson

      Reply Reply January 5, 2011

      Thank you Jonathan. Glad my journey is of service to you. Much more to come as you suggest right?

  • Ethan

    Reply Reply January 5, 2011

    It is heartening to read this as I, a 4 crashed and burned my 30 year relationship and am in the process of “dying to who I really am”. My good thoughts and prayers to you.

  • Owen Marcus

    Reply Reply January 6, 2011

    Jayson,

    Nothing teaches or heals like failure. That said; it is not only the willingness to surrender that creates the transformation – it is also the act of getting off your ass to create.

    I want to acknowledge your risks. We all look at our failures and their subsequent learnings as the gifts. They are, but they wouldn’t be there without taking risks. All the endeavors you felt were failures were successes because you decided to risk it. As Bucky Fuller use to say, we aren’t learning unless we are making mistakes. We don’t make mistakes unless we take action.

    I know I have a pattern of spending too much time calculating and not enough doing, or as Seth Godin would say, shipping. One reason I love working with entrepreneurs is because they will take a risk, fail, learn and take another risk. I have never met a successful business owner who didn’t have many failures.

    Your courage, commitment and passion shines through your failures… keep failing.

  • Sarah Anma

    Reply Reply January 7, 2011

    Love this! I had shades of your experience in '09 and '10. Very grateful for the lessons, the incubation period I have allowed as a result and the unfolding of the miraculous and seemingly impossible.

  • Jimmy Merrell

    Reply Reply January 7, 2011

    Jayson,

    Sounds like you have come face to face with your SHADOW MISSION. Until that happens, you cannot achieve your ultimate GOLD. Enjoy the Journey!

    Jimmy

  • Coach

    Reply Reply January 8, 2011

    Fail on brother. I can relate.

  • April

    Reply Reply January 11, 2011

    thanks jay, your humility is refreshing. Your transparency about the bumpy road you've been travelling in bringing your vision(s) to life is a precious gift to me. I have been puzzled by my own crashes in the last couple years and the lack of flow that has confronted me even when I thought I was on “THE RIGHT PATH”, Your story gives me better hindsight somehow, and helps me appreciate my own unique mess a little better. Your willingness to keep on coloring outside your lines, wherever you find them, is waking up the wild child in me too. YES!

  • Mushin Schiling

    Reply Reply January 19, 2011

    Hi Jayson, a wonderful blog. Reminds me of my 'failure' as a spiritual teacher some 5 years ago. It sure felt to be a failure to step out of the bizz of transcending and teaching, creating workshops around all that, even running trainings, only to come to the conclusion that I didn't want 'my' life to be about me & God (Enlightenment etc.) but about 'we', about immanence and incarnated life. A poem from that time puts it in a nutshell:

    Climbing knowledge mountain
    to its trancendental understanding summit
    insightful vistas brightly abound

    The green unfathomable dragon shape
    Its rythmic curves and jewel sparks
    meanders deeply and alive
    through the valley

    The climber shouts,
    “Join me up here in the clear air of light.”
    The dragon grumbling,
    “Where would you be with out me?”
    —-

    So I went to live in the valley. And yes, to a great extent it felt like dying. Now I'm just an imperfect man, enjoying good company (and you surely are, even though we haven't met in person, yet), finally free of any mission – even 'being myself' – so that I can actually meet people…

    I don't think, though, this is ego-death; but that may be so because I don't share the idea that ego is something that 'should' die so that we can be our self. Rather, when you say in the end what you're doing, than that is quite enough in and of itself.

    Thank you for sharing your 'failure', which in my eyes is much more of a success than climbing the mountain of heroism…

    • Jayson

      Reply Reply January 19, 2011

      Mushin,

      Love it. Thank you. I like the reframe on ego for you. Good to hear your voice in here again.

      Jayson

  • Chris Goforth

    Reply Reply January 29, 2011

    Jason, thanks for your honesty and realness. I experienced something very similar in 2010 and had to let go and give up and go through some intense counseling and painful stuff. Still recovering from it. I have the same dreams and visions you mentioned in what I want for men and hopefully it will happen someday. Until then I to am surrendering and allowing God to direct my steps through all of.
    I appreciated your story and connected with it.

    • Jayson

      Reply Reply January 30, 2011

      Thanks Chris. Glad we are connected and to know I am not alone once again. 🙂

  • Tom Lietaert

    Reply Reply February 19, 2011

    “the conference showed me that we are not ready (or willing) to collaborate in one shared vision and move it forward.”

    Jayson, as we discussed previously, the design of the EMC was fatally flawed. You and the team simply didn't know what you didn't know–that facilitating personal growth and support groups is a very different kind of facilitation than emerging group genius. On several levels it was a huge success and the potential for something to evolve from it is still possible.

    Having said that, I assess that your statement is not fair and appears shaming to all of those who showed up open and eager to be a part of something more. I own that once I realized the team did not have a solid design nor the skills to facilitate such a process I concluded that the only worthwhile thing I might hope to see come of the weekend event was to encourage some kind of support network and collaboration (certainly self serving in this thinking) and possibly move toward some future event.

    I invite you to consider the success of what you learned from this and, now knowing what you didn't know, hold a space of possibility that your vision is still worthy and there are other visionary men who are eager and hungry for such a vision to come forth!

    Blessings, Tom

  • Tom Lietaert

    Reply Reply February 20, 2011

    “the conference showed me that we are not ready (or willing) to collaborate in one shared vision and move it forward.”

    Jayson, as we discussed previously, the design of the EMC was fatally flawed. You and the team simply didn't know what you didn't know–that facilitating personal growth and support groups is a very different kind of facilitation than emerging group genius. On several levels it was a huge success and the potential for something to evolve from it is still possible.

    Having said that, I assess that your statement is not fair and appears shaming to all of those who showed up open and eager to be a part of something more. I own that once I realized the team did not have a solid design nor the skills to facilitate such a process I concluded that the only worthwhile thing I might hope to see come of the weekend event was to encourage some kind of support network and collaboration (certainly self serving in this thinking) and possibly move toward some future event.

    I invite you to consider the success of what you learned from this and, now knowing what you didn't know, hold a space of possibility that your vision is still worthy and there are other visionary men who are eager and hungry for such a vision to come forth!

    Blessings, Tom

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