How to Find a Good Couples Counselor

A question from a reader:

“Hello Jayson, what should a good relationship therapist be like? how do I know I have chosen the correct one? Or should i say, how do my partner and i know we have chosen the correct one?”

First, get a word of mouth referral from trusted friends. Going blind is dicey.

Next, trust your gut. Feel into your heart and gut and there is probably a signal whether this person can help you or not.

Third, IMO, they must be devoted to truth. Not their truth, or your truth, but THE truth. The truth is simply looking for what is so in every moment. What is really going on in this relationship? I prefer practitioners who seek what is true and what is so, then have the ability to bounce this off what each person is reporting or claiming.

A few more thoughts:

A good person to guide you and your partner into deeper, more intimate and fulfilling relationships is one who is being themselves, rather than practicing a technique.

And, they are living what you want in their own personal life. Doesn’t mean they are perfect and pretending like they have it together, far from it, but it means they are being honest about the crucible of intimacy. Example: If I want to increase my salary and get more conscious around money, a financial coach who is broke or has major scarcity himself or herself, can only help me get to the place where they get stuck. They probably can’t take me further. So, I’d keep an eye on that as well.

Also, it depends on what you want. In other words, the context of “relationship” or “marriage” is key. If you are a couple who wants to “feel good,” then you might find someone to help you maintain certain “good” feelings. If you want someone who helps you grow from all your triggers and helps each party see their side, that is another kind of practitioner. A good relationship guide helps both parties take responsibility for their part in whatever dynamic is going on and is able to name the core issues within the first few sessions. They see your blind spots quickly. You want someone to call you out in a loving way and hold your feet to the fire. A person who doesn’t tolerate your blame, your victimhood, or habitual patterns, but has a ton of compassion for the ways you keep yourself stuck in relationship.

Finally, I don’t refer to people who are not doing their own inner work on a regular basis, unless of course they are exceptional human being, which of course, does happen.

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