Love Letter To Men From One Brave Woman (guest post)

Women To Men

The other day I sent out a call for feedback for men everywhere (Stay tuned…). My request was for one sentence from anyone and everyone. Interesting that several women completely disregarded the “one sentence” rule and just went for it.

Here is one poignant example from my friend Niro who wrote to us men exquisitely. She came up with her own introduction to it. I have not edited a thing and have received her permission to post it. I was deeply inspired upon reading her note and feel as though it may serve you. Thank you Niro!

Notice yourself as you read this. Are you skeptical? Do you allow her words to penetrate you? Do you contract because of you are afraid to let her in? Does the spiritual tone sound too much for you? Or are you grateful for a woman that shares her vulnerability with you? What would it feel like for a woman to actually speak to you in this manner?

If you are a man hungry for more in intimacy and relationship, let this be a love letter beckoning you to show up and go deeper.

Painting My Lover: Men – Women – Me – You – Who?

by Niro

Crazy-ass long mad thing I suddenly found myself writing after I saw a posting by Jayson Gaddis of “Revolutionary Man” (What Is Your Constructive Feedback For MEN? – This is waaaaay too long for what Jayson Gaddis is looking for. I mostly just found myself writing more about myself than men and so, this is just my note. And please know that this is MY letter. I am not speaking for other women. I am also not directing this at any one man. And sometimes I am guilty of what I complain about. I know it and am honest about it. Why did I really have all this gushing out of me? I have no idea. Maybe just because I am a woman. And sometimes, I just shamelessly gush.


————-Dear You, My Man,

You are Beloved. You are God. To my tender and yet strong feminine heart, you are, whether you like it or not, a powerful path–sometimes the only path–to finding myself utterly exposed and surrendered to God. Help me do that. To touch God so fully is to surrender to my every joy, fear and shame. I cannot do this alone. I, by nature, yearn to reach God through communion, through you, with you.

To touch God so fully means I have to let myself die – die completely to my story, open to and embrace fully my shadow, both disturbingly dark, as well as brightly golden. This is the most scariest thing I need to do in my life, and I know that you can help me. If you are willing to do the same, YOU will become my rock. Own and claim your Highest masculine essence and expose your FULL self to me. I am strong. I am a big girl. I can handle your shadow…both disturbingly dark, as well as brightly golden. This is the most priceless gift you can give to me, to life. I am just as much under pressure as you are to “show up.” Please love me, guide me, see me, open me, receive me and compassionately challenge me in all my brilliance and flaws to get that much closer to God – to You. You are One. With you, WE can be One.

As a woman, I appreciate your strength and courage when you go to “do the work” at wonderful Mens’ Groups. I can see such change in you. I can see how you are guided and lovingly challenged to BE your Highest Self. I admire men who are willing to put themselves through the lion’s den of learning and growing. Let me share some tangible and more subtle changes in you that I notice and appreciate, and, well, things that I don’t really like too much, or downright despise.

I love it when you walk so upright and confident. I have noticed this in men who join good Mens’ Groups. They seem to inhabit their bodies much better. You are so handsome when you have a strong back. A strong back is, to me, a sign of an open heart. Trungpa Rinpoche said that too…

I love it when you take care of your body by eating well and working-out as is appropriate for you. I love it when you KNOW and FEEL your body. That lets me know that you will KNOW and FEEL my body.

I love it when you look me straight in my eyes, unafraid to look and be seen.

I love the “little things” you do for me like picking up flowers, a silly magazine or a Hallmark card…whatever YOU think I will enjoy. I love this because it lets me get a little glimpse of the sweet and crazy ways in which you might be seeing me.  I also really like it when you ask me what might I like.

I love the clarity you bring. Its OK that sometimes it isn’t there yet. But if you are aware of whatever IS there–confusion, sadness, tension, aggression or simple joy–you’re already a step ahead.

I love it when you see the chaos that I am yet not get angry or shame me. I promise to do the same for you.

I love it when you take a little time to clean up, shave and dress well. You don’t need expensive clothes, but when you take the time to be presentable, it makes me feel you care about how you are seen and that you are mindful. Just like how you look at sexy, beautiful women and tell them how gorgeous they look, or how good they smell, remember that I like that in you too. Please don’t be shy about looking and smelling hot! Own and adorn your beautiful body with handsome clothes and perfumes and lotions and man-bags (if you need one). You too are God’s temple.

I love it when you look into my eyes when you are with me. I love the sparkle in your naughty eyes. I love it that you can be gentlemanly but also not too prissy or monk-ish when it comes to letting me know what you desire, admire and adore – and what you cannot stand!

I really don’t like it if you are not present even for one moment when you are making love to me. When we make love, remember that it is the most vulnerable place I can go to: to let you into my body, my heart, my soul, my Spirit so intimately. Please respect this sacredness and be present. But please don’t let this request make you afraid. Trust the moment and trust me. I will let you know gently if I feel you drifting away. Will you promise not to think of that as me criticizing you?

As much as I assume that Men’s Groups guide men into being strong men, sometimes, I also notice this showing up as arrogance. I don’t like that. I own it that I may be projecting – but sometimes, maybe I’m not. The teaching to be tough and rock-solid are all good. But don’t let it get too much into your head, because then you look so self-consumed with the “good work you are doing” that you look and feel inaccessible and unapproachable. It would be sad if all that good work does not also help you practice humility.

Please don’t ever hide me, lie to me or lie about me. If you are afraid to be seen in public with me, if you are too embarrassed or shy to proudly walk holding hands with me and introduce me to your friends, just leave me. And don’t come back. As a woman, I yearn to be seen, not hidden in just your/our private world. When you hide me from your world which I long to proudly be a part of, you can hurt my self-esteem in pretty brutal ways. And it will take a long time before I can feel worthy again. If I am losing my self in a lie, I admit that it is my fault and I cannot and won’t blame you. However, if you have a truth you need to live without me, help me live mine by not delaying yours. You are NOT responsible for my life. But i am sincerely asking for your help.

Truly, you can and need to trust me that I can take care of myself. If you are just not that into me and if I am just not good enough for you, or there is someone else, just let me know. Don’t worry about hurting me. Hurt me. Be a man. I will get over it and get on much quicker and with much more joy if you are honest.

Please take care of your surroundings. Really, I mean REALLY, why are some men such slobs? Your room, your table, your car, your office is so dirty and messy that I don’t want to come anywhere near that. Your messy outer space is very telling of you inner space. Do Mens’ Groups ever bring this up?

I love it that you are doing your work, and maybe you might see me being lazy or not doing my own development. However frustrating this might make you feel, please don’t belittle me. I am probably doing the best I can no matter how little or clumsy it might seem. Just continue to embody to me YOUR Highest Self or you can also choose to leave. I will learn in my own time and capacity.

By the way, I hate to say this, but I really don’t like it if you have bad breath and if you don’t tell me if I have bad breath. We are human and human bodies can smell…so its only natural. But please can we find a way to tactfully let each other know if we don’t like how we smell (or look or feel)?

I love it that we are quirky unique beings. And we each have our own ways of kissing. Kissing is a big thing. I love kissing! And yet, if the kissing just isn’t going right, can we somehow find a way to bring that up? Tenderly, without hurting feelings?

I may at times look ready and willing and wild and playful. And yet, that does not mean that I am not shy. Please don’t get frustrated with me if I am needing more time. Please don’t take it personally if I am not opening to you as quickly as you might like. Please understand that I maybe very self conscious of the extra fold around my waist, the slight lopsidedness of my right breast, my crooked nose that I hate so much, the darkness of my skin that sometimes brings up all sorts of cultural anxieties, and how ugly I sometimes think I am. Its just how I have grown up seeing myself and you need to be patient with my neuroses.

Patiently and softly invite me to love my flesh and my nudity, my blush and my dignity.

Unabashedly and unashamedly bring on your strong and genuine masculinity to me and to all areas of your life, while also transcending and including your very own feminine sensitivity. When you do so, you leave me crazy hot and bothered. I need not say no more. And help me bring out my own masculinity too. I need to foster structure, direction and focus in my life. And sometimes when you find me in that place, please don’t hurt me by calling me “too masculine!”

It is a lot of hard work to always have to “radiate divine light!” And I cannot always do that. Sometimes you might see me as too closed. But don’t be too quick to make that judgment. There are three fingers pointing right back at you. Maybe you are closed too.

When there is a “charge,” let’s just talk about it, OK? It just doesn’t serve anyone or anything to let it suddenly be an elephant in the room and six months have gone by! Let’s just roll up our sleeves and get our hands dirty. Bring on the muddy madness. We can work it out and in; I promise you.

You are a gorgeous, gorgeous embodiment of Passion, Spirit, Emptiness and God. Thank you for letting me feel your heart wide open and broken. I trust the strength in your arms with which you will move a mountain for me. I trust the vastness of your Being that will witness me fully as I dance around you like a wild woman and cry like a little girl. I trust the depth of your soul that is willing to challenge lovingly my shallowness. And because I trust you like that, I will fall to my knees before you and worship you. When you see me looking up to you and into your eyes, know that I am profoundly proud to be your Devadasi, the Servant of my God, my You.



  • quantafire

    Reply Reply February 21, 2010

    That was absolutely the most important thing I've ever read a woman say.

    Nomali, THANK YOU!

    Wow, after having read this, I can see I've been such a pig with most of the women I've been out with lately. I really needed to read this! No wonder they never lasted.

  • Campbell

    Reply Reply February 23, 2010

    Beautiful! Important and strong reminder. Thank you!

    Wonderful to hear these words, penetrating truth from a woman.

    Glad to read this, and feel it, and know it.

    Thank you,

  • Graham Phoenix

    Reply Reply February 28, 2010

    This is amazing, thank you Nomali so much.

    It is so important to take to heart what women think and what women see in us. We men are so inclined to just believe in ourselves and that that that is enough. We are so inclined to think that others need to know what we think. We need to learn that strength and certainty are vital but an element of compassion that allows us to listen to others is crucial.

  • Dan

    Reply Reply March 6, 2010

    Nomali, thank you for sharing this. I really felt your vulnerability here. I feel my eyes welling up a little bit 🙂

    I am not a “perfect man” by any means, and one of my deepest desires and hopes is that people (including my woman) accept me for who I am, and share themselves with me in this way–beautifully honest and vulnerable. It is in this space that I feel the most connected with them.

    I found myself close down a little when hearing your words about God, but I believe that's simply my past negative perceptions about the institution of religion coming into play. You are free to believe what ever you want 🙂

    At first I felt a little closed down when reading the words “Highest self” as well, but then realized that “Highest self” does not have to mean that there is a “High” and “Low” self that everyone “should” aspire to. To me, it's whatever you WANT your “Highest self” to be.

    Thank you so much again for sharing Nomali!


  • Ian

    Reply Reply March 7, 2010

    Dear Nomali
    Thankyou..I totaly get what you are saying in your Heart's open a man in result of recent 2 years of reg mens group meetings and jounery of self..getting real and learning how to be more authentic.. I am going to print your words and share them with my mens group as it will serve my brothers I am sure.
    Has a 7 % popularity..hmmm..strange to me as my thoughts are ALL men aught to read this, whether they are still asleep or in wakeful practice it speaks clearly and offers a rare and clear glimps into the divine feminine of what will make her radient and free.
    Clearly we need our Goddesses to test us, inspire and encourage us…you have done this for me today!

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