Sex is a Crucible

Art by Bryce Widom

Art by Bryce Widom

Wow. This feels vulnerable…

Sex is a crucible. It has always been a very confronting domain for me. I face my brightest light and my darkest shadow. I (somewhat) successfully avoided going deeper sexually for years because: 1) shame, 2) lack of self/body awareness, 3) wounds and cluelessness, and, 4) I always stayed in short term relationships where I would bail when 1-3 happened or when insecurity or inadequacy surfaced.

In more recent years, as I continue to awaken my sexuality at a deeper level, more opens up for me. I see how, as a man, I bought into my conditioning to perform, please her, or get it right. This approach to sex of course, stops the natural, divine flow of intimacy and kept me stuck in a limited sexual expression. Now, as I grow and develop here, I learn that there are five keys to expanding my sexual range: 1) dropping my agenda 2) attune and connect to myself and all of my body in each moment, and 3) connect to my love for my partner (inside my own body) which allows my heart to be online and engaged, 4) connect to my partner, and 5) be a YES to whatever happens.

Being connected to “some of me” changes our connection and has an impact on both of us. For example, when my heart is off-line, our connection is compromised. The way into deeper intimacy for me is to connect to my heart. The way I do that is to really drop into, and feel, my love for my partner. From this base, I can then meet, and connect to her in each moment, fresh, new, in the mystery of our embrace. From here, when I stay connected, anything is possible. Sexual challenges are now opportunities to be felt as healing experiences in the body, rather than “problems” to avoid. And if one of us gets triggered in any way, I slow down and practice saying YES, even to that. Relaxing. Trusting. This too is part of my journey and part of the vulnerability, magic, and sacredness of sex.

On the ride and learning…


  • Kate

    Reply Reply April 22, 2013

    So, this may be tangential, but I am curious to hear a man’s perspective on this… When my partner continues to allow his heart to remain “off-line,” despite softness and understanding and low-pressure support from me, is it okay for me to be completely uninterested in (or sometimes even repelled by) the idea of having sex with him? In the past, I have (infrequently) had sex with him while this chronic disconnect was present (to make him happy and so that I don’t feel like a frigid bitch) and, ultimately, doing that makes me free like a prostitute. Your thoughts, Jayson?

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