Take Full Responsibility For Your Life

Ah, the poor me syndrome. I know this well inside myself.

I know very well the places where I have wanted someone to save me, fix me, or take my pain away.

When i’m coming from these places, I feel young, hurt, alone. I feel like a victim, and we all need the victim wants to be rescued.

Yet, if someone where to actually come in with their cape on and save the day, it would disempower me. They would do something for me and I’d have to give them credit. I don’t really want that, do you?

Of course not, I aspire to continue to grow myself up.

In my work with couples, I have a rule: No more blame.

Blame is being a victim. Blame is making it someone else’s fault for my circumstances.

That said, we are all victims and we all blame. We have all been hurt and victimized. Some of us have been abused, shamed, shut down, molested, screwed over, betrayed, taken advantage of, and shit on.

In those moments when these terrible things happened to us, we were a victim. It is critical to identify as a victim in that moment because it is true in that moment.

But later on, it can become part of our story and our mask that we wear. It is important to say something like “I was a victim then, but I am not a victim now.” Identify, then disitentify.

After the fact, pointing fingers does little to resolve what you are now sitting with.

Seeking revenge is the repeating the cycle of violence or aggression done to you. You then become the perpetrator and make someone else the victim. The way out? Relationship aikido, compassion and taking full responsibility.

For example, let’s say you were physically abused as a kid when you were 8 years old. You were hurt by bigger, stronger, older people who had control over you. You were helpless to defend yourself. You were a victim of abuse then and powerless to defend yourself.

In middle school, you were bullied by other kids. Other kids took advantage of you that were bigger, stronger and older than you. You were a victim of verbal and physical abuse. You were powerless to defend yourself.

But as you grew up, you became bigger, stronger and of course, older. You now have power you didn’t have back then. You have internal and external resources you lacked earlier in life.

Let’s say you are now 35 and work in a decent job. You’re in a challenged marriage and have financial stress. You begin to blame your partner and your job situation for how you feel.

So, as an adult, when things don’t go your way or you feel picked on by life, in your marriage, your job or your situation. You  begin to act like you acted back then. You feel hurt, taken advantage, not validated, unsupported and maybe even abused.

Why does this happen? Why do you begin to play the victim? Your current life is triggering old feelings from when you were a child. If you never developed your emotional maturity, you will keep acting like a child and stay in victimhood.

Instead of taking full responsibility for your life and your choices as an adult, you act and react like a victim. You blame. You lash out. You point fingers.

But remember, you have resources now you didn’t have back then, right?

So because your up against your past conditioning and traumas, treat this is a practice. By practicing not being a victim I take the seat of leadership. I can take charge of my life and I don’t blame others for anything.

Let’s move beyond blame and victimhood and into personal responsibility.

Signs that you are in victim or blame:

  • You believe that it’s someone else’s fault
  • You feel defensive and reactive
  • You feel self-righteous about your story
  • You convince others to take your side
  • You spend a great deal of time building your case as to why you are right and someone else is wrong.
  • You judge
  • You resent
  • Your heart is closed
  • You have an excuse as to why you are not moving forward
  • You believe your excuses
  • You feel alone
  • You feel misunderstood
  • You are unwilling to take responsibility

How do I move out of victim and blaming?

*****Take full responsibility and use relationship as the way out.

But, what does this look like? When someone hurts you, own that you are hurt with “other” feel it fully and move on.

Try this practice:

  1. Notice the desire to lash out, judge, and point fingers.
  2. Own that you really want to lash out, judge and hurt them back.
  3. Drop the story.
  4. Breathe and sit with the thoughts, feelings and body sensations associated with it.
  5. Feel everything fully.
  6. Get back in relationship owning what you just went through.

***Remember that it can be helpful to fully identify as a victim, feel it fully and then dis-identify. Repeat above practice.

19 Comments

  • Meghashyam

    Reply Reply September 17, 2009

    Recently I was hurt a lot. And I thought, that someone else hurt me. In this moment I feel ALL my hurt was self inflicted because I got lost in what the other person was saying and reacted. My thoughts determine everything around me. So I can choose to stop getting hurt, observing the other person’s reaction instead of blasting off against it, and thinking wonderful things.

    Another interesting thing I noticed that before an argument, or before a not-ok situation, I could ALWAYS sense resentful, victim-type thoughts in me. Always. This means, I first allowed those thoughts space in my consciousness, and then automatically my circumstances adjusted themselves to give me more crap. This is interesting because it tells me that if I can be responsible enough to focus on wonderful things and not on crap most of the time, I’ll not have arguments in the first place.

    Thank you for your post. 🙂

  • Torrey

    Reply Reply September 18, 2009

    Great thoughts here. I get so tired of grown men makes excuses for the situation they find themselves in. It’s always someone elses fault. If we took the energy we use to complain and convert it to making a difference, we’d be in a much better place.

    Since football just starter, Buffalo Bills WR Terrell Owens is a prime example of this. He grew up without really knowing his dad and THAT’S why he acts like a spoiled brat. Give me a freaking break.

  • Andrew Parkes

    Reply Reply September 18, 2009

    Great post, Jayson – letting go of the stories, beliefs, or lies in our heads by taking responsibility for them is key.

  • Adam

    Reply Reply November 11, 2009

    This is mostly true. I envy the man that doesn’t ever have to think about it, but is just able to.

  • kevinfinney39

    Reply Reply April 3, 2010

    Torrey, as a near 40 year old man, that suffered many years of abuse, I find that the comment that you made, and the subsequent response by Andrew quite abhorent! We do not choose to be abused, and I will use the term loosely. I was lucky that the abuse ended when I was put in to a well run childrens home in the UK when I was 7 years old, and given a half decent education. My elder brother however, was not, and he still at 41, lives with the abuser. I have employed about 15 people, and had 3 children of my own, all well rounded and educated. However, I still blame the cause of the abuse on the person/people that conducted it!

  • Stan

    Reply Reply April 6, 2010

    Kevin,

    We can't have traumatized people actually using their anger to draw boundaries and say “this far and no farther.” We can't have people demanding justice or holding abusers responsible if they're going to be unpleasant about it. It's important that victims “get over” their anger before they harsh the buzz of entitled, well-adjusted yuppies.

    We'll even provide little zen practices to help! Then we can say to those with a heavy trauma load, “well, I gave you the method, it's easy, yes, yes, we're all victims, get the fuck over it, if you're still angry it's just because you choose to be.”

    P.S.: Reading assignment–Melvin Lerner and the just world fallacy. Notice your own face in the reflection, boys.

  • Jayson

    Reply Reply April 6, 2010

    Kevin,

    I feel for you and what you have been through. Yes, you were a victim of abuse (past tense). And, no of course you didn't choose it. I state this clearly above. You were a victim of abuse then, but you are no longer a victim. Running your own biz and being a dad is testament to that. You can still choose to blame the perpetrators many years later. Even years later it is a fact that you were a victim and that that abuse was not your fault. Again, past tense. But i invite you to ask what blame NOW does for you?

  • Jayson

    Reply Reply April 6, 2010

    Stan,

    While I appreciate your comments, you have an edge you are not owning. Share something personal such as “I feel pissed” or “I am judgmental…” or something real, raw, that would help me connect in with you. Right now, you keep dropping bombs on my site with no personal ownership. Your tone feels passive aggressive right now. If you are going to play here, tighten it up.

  • kevinfinney39

    Reply Reply April 6, 2010

    I find this a little bit odd, as I have not responded, been angry, nor replied to any comments on this website. So whoever feels the need for a non existent comment please digress.

  • kevinfinney39

    Reply Reply April 6, 2010

    Jayson, Is it no oh, so simple. I wish that I could be in the bubble that you live in.

  • Jayson

    Reply Reply April 7, 2010

    Kevin. I am well aware that it ain't that simple. I have experienced plenty of trauma and have studied trauma extensively. I work with trauma everyday. This post is one fraction of the work it takes to actually move bast blame/victim mentality. I understand that takes most folks years of deep work. I'm a blogger as well as a coach. I give the reader who is not willing to go to quality therapy something to start with. Reading this might just help someone crack the door. For another man, it might support him in closing it.

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  • Stephen McGhee

    Reply Reply April 24, 2011

    This article is simply brilliant. I say simply because it's not rocket science and unfortunately I have played the victime countless times. Its brilliant because these steps will melt the strongest victim mindset on the planet. No freedom in playing blame or judging others for what i consider injustices. I just watched the movie about Rubin Hurricane. A world class boxer wrongly accused for murder. 22 years he is free and the only way he got there was through his clarity of purpose to prove his case. Thanks for your good work.

  • Stephen McGhee

    Reply Reply April 24, 2011

    This article is simply brilliant. I say simply because it's not rocket science and unfortunately I have played the victime countless times. Its brilliant because these steps will melt the strongest victim mindset on the planet. No freedom in playing blame or judging others for what i consider injustices. I just watched the movie about Rubin Hurricane. A world class boxer wrongly accused for murder. 22 years he is free and the only way he got there was through his clarity of purpose to prove his case. Thanks for your good work.

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