The Most Effective Way To Deepen Your Relationships

relationship as a pathIf you really want to deepen and grow your rela­tion­ship life, take a look at the per­son in the mir­ror, pour fer­til­izer on your­self, and grow.

That’s right. Chang­ing your­self is the fast track to rela­tional depth.

Of course, I’m not talk­ing about get­ting a new wardrobe or hair­cut. I’m talk­ing about chang­ing your inter­nal world, the part that no one can see.

If I want more depth out there, I have to go deeper in here.

When I was 29 years old, I was in a lot of pain and doing a great job of hid­ing it. I dated a lot of women, but felt unsat­is­fied in every rela­tion­ship. I wanted some­thing more yet I couldn’t put my fin­ger on what it was that I wanted. Look­ing back, I was long­ing for true love, a deep inti­mate rela­tion­ship where I felt met, seen, and alive.

Because I didn’t know how to get what I wanted, let alone know what it was that I wanted, I blamed each of the women I dated and made my dis­sat­is­fac­tion their fault. I gen­uinely believed that I would feel bet­ter if only “she” would be different.

So, with ten or more years of lim­ited results and unful­filled rela­tion­ships, I hit a tip­ping point.

My pain was so sub­stan­tial and my desire for dif­fer­ent results was so strong that I was ready to finally ask, “What if I’m the prob­lem?” After all, I was the one com­mon denom­i­na­tor in every rela­tion­ship I had.

This is when every­thing shifted.

Once I asked the above ques­tion I could then make this state­ment:  “I am will­ing to do what­ever it takes to get dif­fer­ent results.”

The prob­lem was no longer “out there.” It was “in here” and that I had the power to do some­thing about. Damn!

This was a huge turn­ing point in my life, which cat­a­pulted me on to a spir­i­tual path that con­tin­ues today.

Once I had the humil­ity to ask the ques­tion “what if I’m the prob­lem?” my rela­tion­ship life began to shift slowly.

As I changed, I attracted new peo­ple. Peo­ple that wanted to be authen­tic and real. Peo­ple who were will­ing to talk about the hard stuff in life and not hide it. People less interested in my mask. Peo­ple will­ing to go to ther­apy and ask for help when they were stuck in the weeds. Peo­ple will­ing to lead with their vul­ner­a­bil­ity. Wow. I began to meet women and men that could go deeper in rela­tion­ship because I was going deeper in myself.  All of the sud­den, my rela­tion­ships began to nour­ish me.

It took seri­ous pain, seri­ous long­ing, and a sim­ple ques­tion directed inward, to change my rela­tion­ship life.

And today, every time I find myself want­ing to change my part­ner, I slow down and take a look at the man in the mirror.

Because change starts with me.

And, if you are serious about this path, listen to my talk on Relationship as a Path on September 16, 2013. Link to that livestream event and recording here.

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