To Parents Of At Risk Teens

In my work with parents of teenagers, I have one giant, ongoing practice requirement for the parents:

Relax. Learn to Trust.

Your freaked out nervous system that you are likely not dealing with is having a detrimental impact on your kids. Your kid senses your fear and wants nothing to do with it. She knows you are not a trustworthy grounding chord so she runs in the other direction. He knows you can’t handle him so he avoids you and won’t open up to you. That burns. That hurts for her to feel. “my parents are scared of me?” Most of these kids are scared of themselves, of being themselves. They have no idea what it means to be oneself. And, since most grown ups are completely full of shit and abandoned themselves a long time ago, they can’t teach kids how to be-come themselves. It won’t work. Teens, understandably don’t trust most adults. So these kids have very few places to turn. But as their parent, you can choose. Get very honest and remember that your way-of-being is the teacher. We must ask, “Am I living what I am asking them to live?” For example, are we asking them to respect themselves more, when we aren’t even doing that for ourselves? How can we expect to help our child on their path, when we don’t even like ourselves? It’s not possible. If our vibe is anxious, needy, or insecure, we will breed that, or we will breed kids who develop survival strategies to cope with that. If our vibe is emotionally constipated, hostile, or resentful, we will breed kids who develop survival strategies to cope with that. Remember, self-hatred is a learned behavior taught to children by adults. When we parents don’t get on board with the truth of who we are, we pass on the lies of “not good enough” to our children.

So, if you are this parent, look in the mirror, step up, and face your brilliance. There is nothing, absolutely nothing, wrong with you. Turn toward your light and stop believing the lies that you are not good enough. It’s complete and utter bullshit. It’s a huge (I mean HUGE) lie of a story. It’s false. You are incredible. And yes, even with those limitations of yours. Remember your highest moment of seeing your son or daughter in all their glory, when their love penetrated your heart with unflinching belief in themselves and their power? That is who you are. That is you! You are perfect, just the way you are. You are special, wonderful, and full of divine love and grace. Believe it and stand in your awesomeness. Own it. And, while you are at it, learn how to relax in the face of your kid’s pain, acting out, and confusion. Be the homebase that is unwavering so that no matter what happens to them on their journey, they will return to the relaxed mountain that is you. And there, within the confusion and confines of society’s bullshit, in your relaxed presence, they can remember who they are.

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