Virgin Wings and my New Guru

Photo by Josh Levin

Been a while for sure.

I continue to get stripped down by Life.  The dying process is nearly over (I think–famous last words).

I’ve spent the last year dying and then dying some more.

It’s all very helpful.

My whole orientation is fresh, new, unfamiliar, tentative, like I have new, soaking wet, virgin wings, uncertain of how to fly, but willing to flap.

I feel tired from the dying process. Worn out, beaten up, exhausted.

I have no more gas to do things the “old” way (my habitual neurotic 3-ness)

Exhaustion is an understatement.

38 years of push, drive, and willing my way through life.

On top of that, two plus years of parenting one, now two, little tiny kids. Sleep deprivation and non-stop parenting while being a devoted husband and going through the biggest rite-of-passage of my life for over a year now.

So my tank is beyond empty, but, I’ve been known to run on fumes before, and I won’t be surprised if I try and push my tired old car a little farther.

The great thing about an empty tank is that I am open to receive now.

What a concept–receiving.

In addition to running on empty, I have been choosing for many months now, not to read any books or listen to any MP3’s by teachers of any kind. Last fall, I told my main mentor, “thanks for taking me to the edge of the forest, now I must do the next part alone.”  I even left my men’s group after 6 amazing years! I haven’t even sipped the sacred tea of Ayahuasca for over seven months.

Me and the enchanted, uncharted forest.

My main guru now is…..

<<<my own experience>>>>

It’s terrifying really.

But what does that mean “my own experience is my guru.”

Well, I have spoken about this for years but I see how I was giving this lip service in an old blog post. Ouch.

I’m now learning, and more importantly experiencing, what it really means to trust my experience. I understand that having no formal teachers right now might be a phase but it feels so absolutely right on for me.

My prayer everyday is to help me deepen my trust in myself and what I know deep within me.

And…the emerging light is coming. I can feel it and taste it.

A new vision is coming through and I am eager to share it in a new way.

In the past, I would have “shot my load” in a very premature ejaculation-kinda-way.  And, I would have done it months ago and it would have had the same result it always has had—disappointment.

Now though, I keep remembering to relax, there is no rush. Keep listening, keep receiving. I can take my time making love to Life and being made love to by Life.

I can practice trusting the divine timing of things, the natural way.

I’m giving birth to some wonderful new work that inspires me deeply. Work that has new life force slowly seeping into my veins, despite my utter exhaustion.

I’m rolling out a whole new website in the coming weeks as well as some fun new events.

What’s the main theme?

<<<Relationship>>>

Specifically, the practice of relationship and intimacy.

Funny enough, everyone, everyone I meet and am “in relationship with” is a teacher for me. Interesting.

Stay tuned for much, much more…

28 Comments

  • Ali Shanti

    Reply Reply May 4, 2011

    Relaxing into this and it feels so good. Thank you for not prematurely shooting your load and instead sitting in the deepening of what's coming through you. I'm so grateful for your work and the impact you have made on the men in my life with what you have already taught about the practice of intimacy in relationship. I can only imagine how amazing the impact of what comes through next will be. Thank you.

    • Jayson

      Reply Reply May 16, 2011

      Thanks Alexis. yes, more to come…

  • Maira

    Reply Reply May 4, 2011

    Jayson,

    I am so in support of y our new virgin wings where you are your own guru. Yes! to continuing to listen AND to receive… so simple and profound. No doubt that trusting the divine timing of things and honoring the natural ebb and flow of your life only strengthens your new life force.

    And the concept of receiving- whoosh! It is ENORMOUS. For me, the other side of that has been allowing space for my neediness. Yes, neediness, a once “bad word” in my vocab and is no longer. Me embracing my neediness has deeply opened the door to my ability to receive and the gifts I have been getting… there are no words for how wonderful they have all been.

    I celebrate you.

    Maira

    • Jayson

      Reply Reply May 16, 2011

      awesome. thanks for your support! and for doing your work.

  • Chris A. Taylor

    Reply Reply May 4, 2011

    Jayson,
    I missed your rich blog posts.
    Glad to hear from you and glad that you pointing out the importance of being your own teacher by mindfully experiencing life. Also, the reminder to relax, be patient, and to love and be loved is much appreciated.
    Thanks again for sharing,
    Chris Taylor

  • Indiecottage

    Reply Reply May 4, 2011

    relationships are labs for the work of the soul

  • Wosle1

    Reply Reply May 4, 2011

    Honor
    Blessings
    Thank you. Sharing your experience helps me to see.

  • Afraternz

    Reply Reply May 4, 2011

    Awesome!

  • Amelia Grace

    Reply Reply May 5, 2011

    Thank you Jayson, my experience of dying to self has been rather dramatic these last several months, and I too am exhausted. It's comforting to hear someone else dealing with similar issues, as I have felt so very alone. Thank you, Amelia

    • Jayson

      Reply Reply May 16, 2011

      Amelia, Thank you sister. and you are welcome!

  • Lars Strong

    Reply Reply May 5, 2011

    Yes Jason, ever deeper into our infinite selves. With all that I am I witness you revealing your process. I feel many parallels with my own development and deepen the insight I have for myself.

    The beautiful thing about knowing and revealing our deep truth is that the world and all our relations know how to orient to us, our relationships all fall into place so efficiently. So much easier than our efforts to “manage” relationships.

    I am looking forward to more of you.

    In Love and Freedom,

    Lars

    • Jayson

      Reply Reply May 16, 2011

      Thanks Lars, been wondering where you've been. 🙂

  • Owen Marcus

    Reply Reply May 5, 2011

    Congratulations for hanging in there. I agree – experience is the ultimate guru.

  • Laura Emlen

    Reply Reply May 5, 2011

    LOVE this. Thanks for the window *in*. Fun to see, to watch the unfolding and evolution on your journey. Yes, keep making love…In your openness to receiving, you are embodying your *own* feminine essence. Stay with that inner guru. She will teach you much.

    • Jayson

      Reply Reply May 16, 2011

      Thank you Laura! i like the “she” part. 🙂

  • David Cates

    Reply Reply May 5, 2011

    😉

  • Tosh

    Reply Reply May 6, 2011

    Great to hear an update from you Jayson. Stopping the outside-in guidance systems and re-orienting to the inside-out guidance system is a wonderful, lifetime adventure! For myself it is like a slow dance. Sometimes I am following (learning from the outside-in) and sometimes I am leading (learning from the inside-out). And I guess sometimes I'm just flaked out on the couch! They all have their place in the grand scheme of things. The tiredness of which you speak is something I can relate to. I'm just emerging from a 2 1/2 year hibernation forced upon me by my own physical and mental exhaustion. Rest is good.

    • Jayson

      Reply Reply May 16, 2011

      ha ha Tosh, good to feel your support as usual!

  • Riesah Prock

    Reply Reply May 8, 2011

    Dear Jason,

    I know this place from my own experience: sitting in physical pain for about 7 years, unable to work, yadayadayada. Indeed, the cultivation and culturation of one's heart is a slow and very deep process, as is the development of TRUST that everything which happens serves you and a higher purpose.

    At one point I wrote a note to myself, which said essentially that even if I could not see balance anywhere in my world, I knew that it was ever present and that every tiny thing had it's contribution to that whole. I would bring my attention to awareness that every thing has a purpose and serves that purpose, whether or not we chose to believe that or see it for ourselves.I placed that note on the door of my fridge, so that every time I went to eat, I gave thanks for the food, my life and everything in it.

    You are on the right track, my Friend. In developing trust from the inside, you are also building trust in the All That Is and learning to surrender your will to That.

    Many blessings,

    Riesah

    • Jayson

      Reply Reply May 16, 2011

      Riesah,

      wow. very cool. 7 years though? yikes. humbling i'm sure. yes, surrending to All That Is. nice.

  • Info

    Reply Reply May 8, 2011

    Sorry, I misspelled your name, Jayson.

  • Jeff Navarro

    Reply Reply May 18, 2011

    Thanks as usual for sharing, Jayson!  I've been in my own spiritual chrysalis for the past couple years…so your utter transparency continues to be inspiring. I'm looking forward to seeing how your new site develops!

  • Garland Kitts

    Reply Reply July 4, 2011

    Jayson I'm an infrequent visitor to your site. Not that the content is not worthwhile, just that I've been on a bit of a quest myself. What I've found is much more than peace. Much more than 'emptiness'. It's filling, completeness and deep understanding of how things work. It didn't require a special tea, any type of penitence, or whatever 'painful' rites you'd like to perform.

    It's Kabbalah and it's the most freeing and complete system to achieve understanding you'll ever find. Look into it and save yourself and your family the pain and uncertainty of imitation spirituality. Peace and good luck.

    • Jayson

      Reply Reply July 8, 2011

      Garland, You make the classic mistake of thinking that your way is “THE” way. Kabbalah is awesome and it ain't for everyone, just like my path, as wild as it's been, ain't the way for everyone. in fact, it's probably only for me. Each of us has to find our way. 

      If you were really rocking and embodying the Kabbalah, you wouldn't be patronizing me in the condescending tone of a spiritual elitist. I've been there and I know spiritual arrogance from the inside out. Sounds like a bypass to me.

  • Jayson

    Reply Reply July 8, 2011

    Garland, You make the classic mistake of thinking that your way is “THE” way. Kabbalah is awesome and it ain't for everyone, just like my path, as wild as it's been, ain't the way for everyone. in fact, it's probably only for me. Each of us has to find our way. 

    If you were really rocking and embodying the Kabbalah, you wouldn't be patronizing me in the condescending tone of a spiritual elitist. I've been there and I know spiritual arrogance from the inside out. Sounds like a bypass to me.

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