What Is Happening To Me? Two Big Lessons

I just finished leading the 2nd weekend of my six month Men’s Leadership Training. Holy shit was it outstanding!!!

I had my mentor David Cates come in and serve us all up around the theme of sexuality. I had about 12 men who assisted me in pulling this off, four were participants from last year’s training. Eight powerful women also came to help us work through some serious masculine feminine dynamics.

The weekend was the pinnacle of my career. It deepened the work I already do with men and opened new doors and possibilities for what is to come! I can hardly wait for next year and may have to do something this fall.

The men explored their edges, blasted through perceived obstacles, got closer as a tribe, and helped me drop my old masculine paradigm-leadership game.

There are two main lessons I learned about myself that I want to share. These are the benchmarks of the new masculine paradigm.

Lesson 1. Make Mistakes

Be willing to make mistakes. Fuck it up. Screw shit up and do it in front of others.

This one was major for me. David opened the door to making serious mistakes. He said something to the effect of “if you don’t learn to make mistakes now, you will never get anywhere.” He encouraged us to drop the masks, the games of pretending we have our shit together, the nonsense about being “on point,” perfect, or even accurate.

It was so releaving to hear this. I didn’t think I needed someone’s permission, but apparently I did. Just knowing it was okay to fuck it up and make mistakes in a safe environment, allowed all of us, staff and participants, to flourish and have even more fun.

And we made many mistakes. I personally lost my wallet for the entire weekend, lost it in front of everyone, left early one night, started late many times, and made many other mistakes, big and small.

How many places in life can we really let go, be ourselves, fuck up royally and still be accepted, welcomed, and loved, even more than we were before?

Lesson 2. Be Transparent and Congruent

The more I share myself, the more others trust me and the closer they feel to me.

As a therapist, I was trained to share very little about myself. Sharing too much of oneself in a therapist role can deter the healing and make for a strange relationship dynamic. While that makes sense in some therapeutic environments, it is less and less relevant to me.

Through Lesson 1, and help with three of my mentors, I decided to get really real and vulnerable in front of my staff and the participants throughout this past weekend. So real that, at one point, the participants held me while I sobbed. I owned up to many insecurities and fears as I looked around at 20 men in the room. I have no problem cyring in front of my family, my men’s circle, and other close friends. But this was edgy shit for me.

The leader-guy letting down his guard? Yup. I seriously thought I was digging my grave. The men were not only open to me opening up in the moment, but they kept saying, I feel closer to you and I trust you more now. WTF? That was a mind-fuck. While I know this to be true when my clients and friends share in this way with me, for some reason, I didn’t think it applied to me or something. Duh.

So, I took big risks and fucked many things up, many times. The result? I had the time of my life. It was the best facilitation experience I have ever had.

I had a profound shift in how I do work with men. As a way to bring in the new masculine paradigm, I will be leading with Lesson 1 and Lesson 2 from now on.

In order to help you experience more satisfaction, ease, light, and love in your life, I have to be willing to show you. That means, sharing my own shit while it’s happening, not after the fact. And, to be congruent—the same guy at home, at work, on my blog, and in the world.

And yes, I will be keeping some of my personal life private. I want to honor my wife and son’s privacy.

Here we go!

29 Comments

  • Jennifer

    Reply Reply April 29, 2010

    “in order to help you experience more satisfaction, ease, light, and love in your life, I have to be willing to show you. That means, sharing my own shit while it’s happening, not after the fact. And, to be congruent—the same guy at home, at work, on my blog, and in the world.”
    Powerful statement… I love it and couldn't agree more! It is fucken exhilarating when we let this happen, when we expose our truths, our authenticity in its raw, real, and edgy ways! Thank you for the courage and this wonderful work you offer.

    • Jayson

      Reply Reply May 2, 2010

      Yup. Thank you Jennifer. So psyched you are on the ride with me!

  • Craig Filek

    Reply Reply April 29, 2010

    Love you for this, bro.

  • Michael

    Reply Reply April 29, 2010

    Every time I think I'm showing up, I realize I'm still holding back. Still holding back. Still holding back.

    Jayson, I love how you're willing to jump into the deep end – makes me realize I've been in the kiddy-pool of showing up. There's so much more to me, and I'm ready to bring it – mostly, being congruent in all areas of my life… ALL areas, without exception. That's scary to me. But this is what I want.

    Thanks for bringing it fully. You're an inspiration to me. –Michael

  • Tia Singh

    Reply Reply April 29, 2010

    Jayson, what an inspiring, awesome, heartfelt video. I love your passion and courage to be YOU and share that with us. Applauding, smiling, hugging and walking along with you, Tia

  • aaronbennett

    Reply Reply April 30, 2010

    Thank you.

  • boysenhodgson

    Reply Reply April 30, 2010

    Kick Ass. Good stuff Jayson. I have learned huge lessons from leaders and teams of leaders willing to show their weakness – to be transparent and vulnerable. This is powerful modeling.

  • Amy Miyamoto

    Reply Reply April 30, 2010

    Bravo Jayson! You conitnue to inspire me!!!

  • normanraykelley

    Reply Reply April 30, 2010

    Congratulations!

  • Joshua Gribschaw-Beck

    Reply Reply April 30, 2010

    Ahhh bro…….I not only feel more connected to you but I feel your leadership with this! Way to step up and lead…..to embody what you're teaching ! :O)

  • Bryce

    Reply Reply April 30, 2010

    Jayson,

    This is so powerful. A couple of things in particular:

    “I want to be that congruent. I'm the same guy – everywhere you see me.” I surely have my different masks that I put on, depending on which world I'm walking into – and the assumption has always been that it's a necessity. I can see that the masks have been thinning through the years, but they're fundamentally still in place – and I find myself subtly re-shaping myself, depending on the company I'm keeping. There is some wisdom in this (sometimes, rather than a mask, it's an empathic response to whomever I'm with – a resonation). But many times, the mask is in place to protect ME. Hearing you name this, particularly in your video (where it's far more challenging to “hide” behind words), is HUGELY INSPIRING.

    Second, the very manner in which you filmed this, with your son in the room, in your home. It's so visceral – I can feel your love, your vulnerability, your strength, your AUTHENTICITY. And it's brilliant. You are brilliant, my friend – as in, full of fucking light.

    Thank you – Bryce.

  • ICG

    Reply Reply April 30, 2010

    Do I get where your at Bother. Parallel or what!
    Im on a personal version of a No woman diet..end of second week. All kinds of stuff comes up. Ya the avoidence crap..the hiding crap. What my true sexuality (Really?) Also 6 days into a no food “master cleansing” My energy levels are though the roof!
    Like you I got sick and tired of stuggling for giving the authentic only to catch myself out slacking and hiding in a lot of areas. Im in a POWERFULL and authentic mens” group. I have incredible interactions and relationship with the divine feminine (inside/outside). My masculine core at 52 yrs old is more present and powerful than ever…Yet still…..I find myself snared in layers of my own BS. So this fast from food, and fast from seeking the validation and “feel good energy” from women in general and the uncomfortablness of it all is bringing me out. Love all, serve all…it takes batteries and balls thats for sure
    Be good to yourself bother…your courage is an inspiration to me

  • Geoff Laughton

    Reply Reply April 30, 2010

    You're rockin' it Jayson! I love the lessons, the video, the wisdom, and the courage…I think it's the only way to lead, and you've inspired me to go deeper in using those two lessons you shared.

    Thanks so much!

  • danny

    Reply Reply April 30, 2010

    Being Genuine. That's what it is all about. I'm really happy for you.

  • Dan

    Reply Reply April 30, 2010

    Thankyou for sharing so openly; the message feels so free and the way to lead. Just breathed a big sigh of relief…….aaahhh! Loved the piece about children and their blind authenticity; we have so much to learn from them. Thanks for the reminder. Dan

  • Daniel

    Reply Reply April 30, 2010

    Awesome Jason I love to just let go and be me I guess I just need to do it.
    Love Dan

  • Chris

    Reply Reply April 30, 2010

    This is awesome, man. I really like the direction you're going with this. I am stoked to see you opening up and being radically honest about where you're at. It's an inspiration for me. Thank you, and keep up the good work.

  • lindamickle

    Reply Reply April 30, 2010

    Loving your transparency. Ain't deconstruction grand! You are an inspiration, Jason.
    Walk in Beauty, Linda

  • Jeffrey Platts

    Reply Reply April 30, 2010

    Bro, this is freaking AWESOME. You've hit on something that also needs to awaken in me — and I'm sure most men (and women). I feel it's been there for a while now, but you described it perfectly here. Thanks, man, for sharing this! Beautiful.

    • Jayson

      Reply Reply May 2, 2010

      Thanks dude. The flowering will continue. Just wait!!!! Can't wait to see more of you!!!

  • Duff_McDuffee

    Reply Reply May 1, 2010

    Congratulations on shedding another layer of unnecessary defenses (the “coach/therapist” mask). May you integrate these changes smoothly, with the least possible suffering!

    Authenticity is a very interesting topic to me, with many subtleties, twists, and turns. What does it mean to be authentic? Usually we mean something like “to be myself” or even “to shed cultural conditioning.” But who is this self? Am I even the same person when I am alone as when I am with my partner, or with my friends? I have different patterns of thought and emotion when with different people, sometimes slightly different and sometimes extremely different. And isn't it the dominant cultural message in America that we should be ourselves and shed cultural conditioning? What a double bind!

    Perhaps instead to be authentic is to shed ego defenses, strategies of mind that involve conditional logic: “if only I X, then I'll be happy/enlightened/get the girl/be a success/etc.” Clearly these strategies don't work, so if we can enter a state of unconditional being beyond such conditional egoic strategies, we can find freedom. Paradoxically this seems to take certain practices done consistently over time (e.g. vipassana meditation or psychotherapy) to enter an ongoing state of conditional Being beyond conditions!

    Who am I? This is a very, very complex and interesting question. Where do the boundaries of “me” start and “you” begin? Every breath I breathe in and out communal air, without which I would die within minutes. This air then goes in and out of the lungs of others, and is taken in and changed by the many plants and animals on the Earth. Am I the air molecules in my lungs?

    For a very interesting read that is fairly accessible into authenticity, may I recommend the book On Being Authentic by Charles Guignon, which covers the evolution of this notion of authenticity from ancient Greece through psychoanalysis and into the contemporary postmodern “narrative self”:
    http://www.amazon.com/Being-Authentic-Thinking-

    • Jayson

      Reply Reply May 2, 2010

      Thank you sir! Missed your presence here. Glad to have you back.

  • Ken

    Reply Reply May 2, 2010

    Jayson great video. Way to dig in.

    One other level – might want to look at cursing with your child present. They are sponges and you really don't need it to express yourself. Just my two cents.

  • I finally got to watch this Jayson, and it fucking rocks. I am so honored to be a participant on this MLT journey with you. Even if there is not the label of “revolutionary” any more, it still is changing my life.

    I'm feeling my journey going a similar way… not as far along the path, but your message resonates and fills me with inspiration. Keep on blazing the trail brother! Can't wait to see this new paradigm.

  • Jayson

    Reply Reply May 3, 2010

    Yup. Thank you Jennifer. So psyched you are on the ride with me!

  • I finally got to watch this Jayson, and it fucking rocks. I am so honored to be a participant on this MLT journey with you. Even if there is not the label of “revolutionary” any more, it still is changing my life.

    I'm feeling my journey going a similar way… not as far along the path, but your message resonates and fills me with inspiration. Keep on blazing the trail brother! Can't wait to see this new paradigm.

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