Why am I so scared to Trust?

I feel scared to trust my life. I mean, really trust it–completely.

I was reminded last night in my bouts of grief that I came into this world, not trusting, not having faith. That was the core imprint. It’s been the slow undercurrent of my experience to date.

When external stressors turn on, I feel gripped. I feel as though I need to manufacture security.

The tape goes like this: External security (i.e. finances being stable) equals trusting my life. If finances are unstable, so am I.

In other words, if my finances get resolved and I feel “secure”, then I can finally trust. And, maybe that is true in some capacity.

However, I want it the other way around. Learn to trust, and know that I am already secure. Learn to trust deeply from the inside, no matter the external circumstances.

I know intellectually that my life is already trustworthy, but I often lack the deep experiential knowing of this.

I’m a 3 on the enneagram, so, with the lack of trust, I compensate  by achieving, accomplishing, doing. While that looks good on the outside, when it is coming from fear, it is exhausting, tiring, draining, and generally lacks fulfilling results.

I refuse to manifest in my life from that fear-based place.  Thankfully, t doesn’t work anyway.

A few days ago, I was pretty locked up.  Shut down, depressed, foggy, flat. This flat place is much more painful than feeling any strong emotion. It feels like someone put a vice on my being and I have no range of motion. My head feels clouded. I lack energy. Some folks call this malaise a depression of sorts. It sure feels depressing.

Since I couldn’t work through it on my own, I reached out and did my first public support call with my mentor.

That helped big time. There was a sweet opening.

But later I re-locked up, still distant from my wife, still irritable, needy, cranky.

I reached out to several bros and immediately got a friend on the line. He reminded me of what I tell him. “Go into the depression, the deadness, and be there, completely present, ride that wave.”

I sat on my meditation cushion with laser awareness. Within minutes, the grief came. Waves of it, for over an hour.

The grief was deep. There is more. As is often the case while expressing my deep grief, I felt so alive. I felt held. Energy was moving again.

When I asked the Universe, “how can I know you will really hold me and be there for me through this?” The answer was an immediate “we already are.”

I asked for a deep knowing in this with a prayer to experience absolute trust and faith in my life, that I am held and to know that in my bones.

May that also be so for you today.


  • Durwin Foster

    Reply Reply October 31, 2010

    Thanks for sharing, Jayson. Your ability to go through numbness and into the underlying grief or fear is something that I need to learn.

  • Fabio

    Reply Reply October 31, 2010

    Jayson thank you.
    Thank you for opening, for showing more of you. The posts are definitely getting more personal… both ways. Personal in that I experiencing you sharing more of yourself, thinning the veil between the worlds, unmasking yourself. And Personal in that it is touching me even deeper, as if our lives were running parallel bouts of challenges, and when you are “down” I learn, I re-member how to be me, how to be this human.
    Yes to trust, yes to surrender. I am being done.
    May we keep on unfolding into deeper truth.

    A few weeks ago you wrote this, still rings in my ears: (paraphrasing)
    “Become who you are, not who you are trying to be”

  • Brett

    Reply Reply November 1, 2010

    thank you jayson;

    its very inspiring to see you so open, vulnerable & sharing the intimate truth of your experience. having been riding intense cycles of ''post-awakening'' shadow work myself, i appreciate it tremendously. blessings to you,


  • Patrick J. Kerwin

    Reply Reply November 1, 2010

    “I came into this world, not trusting, not having faith. That was the core imprint. It’s been the slow undercurrent of my experience to date.”

    My first thought is a simple and powerful one: ME TOO!

    I thought this was So powerful and insightful to bear witness to. It's so curious how “earthquakes” from our past still leave aftershocks today. “Safety, security, and comfort” needs are so basic and primordial in all of us; they quickly grab the wheel and run the show.

    Like the chinese finger puzzle, the more we struggle to “get out” the more it sucks us in. The advice you received to “get in” and ride the wave was good-hearted dharma.

    I think it's time to plant my ass back on the cushion and follow suit. 🙂

  • Renee Lebeau

    Reply Reply November 1, 2010

    Thank you for sharing where you are at and your sense of being with all of it.

    As a highly intuitive and sensitive being, I discovered that the programming I carried was in conflict with my being at a very young age. However, “knowing” this did not resolve it. And most if not all of the modalities people used did not line up for me. After years of searching and hiding who I was, I found wise beings whose knowing was more in harmonic resonance. Finally, I experienced the disconnect between my essence and my body. So for me, I would have to find ways to bring the awareness back online in the body. This has meant clearing out all of the judgements aI carry around being in a body, being human and choosing to be disconnected. It also requires developing a healthy relationship with discernment.

    I could and can still feel the parts of me that used whatever mechanism they knew to keep me safe. The inability to trust myself was absolutely tied in to the trauma I experienced in this and all lifetimes. It also was held in the body in a way that creates the opportunity for me to get inside of it, accept it and dissolve it if I could generate the feeling of gratitude for all of it. The antidote for judgment was beyond accepting it – I have to clear out the charge around it.

    At this point, I am letting go of all belief systems and learning how to completely drop into the mystery. If I choose to live in the question I open myself up to many more choices than choosing to live in the known. And this will require letting go of all belief systems and even the concept of faith as these places are also of the known.

    I am also of the perception that every human is wired uniquely and that this greater being of who you are becoming is every persons birthright. It also seems to be the very thing that most people avoid with every fiber of their being. As this version of being a woman, I find it challenging to live in such a polarized world. I am yearning for the chance to meet more genuine human beings who are open to getting out of their own way and creating something entirely new.

    Personally, I am learning how to dance with the dragon and awaken the sleeping phoenix. And choosing to share this experience is new for me.

  • Karmafire24

    Reply Reply November 2, 2010

    Hi Jayson,

    Amazing article. According to Joseph Campbell it looks like you are in the “Belly of the Whale” you have been swallowed by the dark forces, and it really about how your navigate in this unconscious abyss. JC says you are in the crossing of th threshold stage. “This popular motif gives emphasis to the lesson that the passage of the threshold is a form of self-annihilation. Its resemblance to the adventure of the Symplegades is obvious. But here, instead of passing outward, byond the confines of the visible world, the hero goes inward, to be born again. The disappearance corrosponds to the pasing of a worshiper into a temple-where he is to quickened by the recollection of who and whay he is, namely dust and ashes unless immortal.” You are going only where very strong souls can wander. “Once inside he may be said to have died to time and returned to the World Womb, the World Navel.” You have armed yourself with much learning and discipline over the years, and thus you must step farther into self- no easy task and dangerous for sure. You know this because everything becomes very serious and it feels if you make a wrong move you might be lost forever. Only very courageous souls summons a true narrow path and you will find the boon and bring it back to us for without heroes like you we all would be lost. Once you look back and realize that your path is so different than the status quo- you will laugh one day when you tell your son what went on and how you just aren't one of the regular joes out there…. Lots of light sent your way!!! May the force be with you. Didnt mean to preach- hope this reminds you that you are amonst the Big Boys doing the “work”- I quoted form JC- Hero With a 1000 Faces- Pg 90-92

  • Jesse

    Reply Reply November 3, 2010

    Again, I voice gratitude for your humility and willingness to put yourself out there. As I read your entry, I felt a permission to be with my own discomfort that I normally judge and contract around. Nice work.

  • Owen Marcus

    Reply Reply November 7, 2010


    I agree that flat place is worse than the emotional place. At least when my emotions are crazy energy is moving, when I am flat I am imploded leaving me feeling as if I won’t ever leave it’s gravitational field.

    Jayson, you are always welcome to call me. It would be an honor to support you in being with your experience. I know often all I need is a witness, another man to hold the space so I don’t have to… so I can relax into my emotions.


  • Eva

    Reply Reply November 21, 2010

    i can only say… i deeply understand.

  • Eva

    Reply Reply November 21, 2010

    i can only say… i deeply understand.

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