The more I am “in myself” the stronger the vibration of love and safety my kid’s experience. I am their tuning fork. When I get that I am their true bedrock, I see and feel the massive responsibility I have to own that, be that, and live that. To whatever degree I live that, is the degree to which they can rest into it.
When I am shut down, disconnected, dissociated, triggered, and emotionally unavailable, I’m an unstable homebase. The impact on them? They act like me! They get whiney, needy, helpless, emotionally distraught, angry, tantrumy, and messy. Or they get quiet, pull away, and become distant.
If I don’t get my shit sorted out, the long term impact is that they come to me less and less. There’s less to anchor into. And, they have a less stable reference point and over time they begin to doubt themselves thus stabilizing in their strategies to cope with my instability.
However, when they plug into my circuitry of connectedness, self-love and self-respect, and relax into that, they have very little reason to shut themselves down or disconnect, even in an adverse world. And, when they do disconnect, because I know they will, they have a homebase to return to that reflects their fundamental nature—love. They can find themselves again simply by being with me.
So, when my kids are struggling, my first question is ALWAYS, “what is going on with me?”