Got A Cheating Spouse? Avoid Being Cheated On Again By Doing This

So, why in God’s name do people cheat? What is their problem? Are they just mean, cruel narcissists?


Yeah, but aren’t they just bad people?

Wrong again.

Cheating is normal human behavior when a person doesn’t know how to do relationship (which is most people)

Cheating is what we human beings do when we purchase a fantasy about relationship and then expect it to feel good all the time. When the relationship gets hard, the doorway to “cheat” opens…because we are suckers for avoiding pain and seeking pleasure.

Contrary to popular belief, cheating is not for losers, and cheating isn’t done by sociopaths that are out to get you.

Cheating is done by normal people that don’t know how to articulate and express their frustrations with their current relationship and are too scared to be honest about it.

Cheating is a great release for you if you are not able, for whatever reason, to sit in the hot fire of your experience when the relationship gets uncomfortable.

In other words, you seek relief from pain. Understandable since pretty much everyone is carrying around some pain. If you have cheated, you saw more advantages to cheating than you did to not cheating, so you behaved that way. 

Little do you know, that like wack-a-mole, you are exchanging one set of problems for another set of problems.

In other words, you can run from your relationship problems, but you can’t hide.

Okay fine, but what about the person who gets cheated on? What’s going on with you if you are on the receiving end?

Victims of cheating are, 9 times out of 10 in my experience, people who feel bad about themselves. In other words, cheating happens most often to you when you don’t value or respect yourself.

Am I blaming the victim here? No, I’m challenging the victim in you to take responsibility, which is the only way to get empowered.

So, want to get cheated on? Don’t respect or value yourself and don’t take responsibility for your part in your relationship problems. 

You could argue with me here. Instead of being open to this perspective, you will deny this truth and claim that “I love myself completely, I don’t know what you are talking about! He/She is just a mean jerk for cheating on me.”

Not so fast.

If you point the finger at him or her, it keeps you in the victim seat. Is that where you want to stay stuck?

If you truly respect who you are, you wouldn’t be paired with a person who cheats on you. You’d have a different set of relationship challenges.

By getting cheated on, you are being asked to value yourself.

So, if you are a cheater, instead of cheating on someone, face your relationship problems and the part of you that is addicted to the dopamine rush of instant gratification. Or, give yourself permission to be polyamorous for a while and stop pretending that you can do monogamy.

And, for the folks who got cheated on…Instead of complaining about being cheated on, see and own your part–that you value yourself only to the degree that they value you. Next, see how you being cheated on is your opportunity to value yourself way more than you already do.

Got a resentment about someone cheating on you? Clear it here.

Also, stay tuned for an upcoming course on how to get over an affair in 30 days or less. Seriously. There’s no need to allow a painful affair or breach of trust ruin your life or continue to cause you pain.


  • Sam

    Reply Reply May 12, 2016

    Thanks for sharing this Jayson. Beautifully writen and I love the way how you look at cheating as a exchange of problems. Thanks again, it’s inspiring!

  • Daisy Nelson

    Reply Reply May 17, 2016

    While I agree with most of this & think it’s excellent, there isn’t a one size fits all when it comes to infidelity. There are a myriad of different kinds of affairs & lots of different reasons it happens. Ester Perel has an excellent TED talk on this. Jayson, I am curious if you really think that NONE of these men are total narcissists that are basically predators. If a man has already broken up more than one marriage & doesn’t understand that something is seriously wrong & is getting his ass to a therapist weekly, then I don’t know that I can have a lot of sympathy for him. At what point is someone just a narcissistic asshole? Those men exist too right?

    • Karen Rooney

      Reply Reply August 8, 2016

      I’m curious about Daisy’s question too. It may not fit exactly under this post which seems to be about otherwise healthy people cheating, but there are people (men in my experience) who are narcissistic and for whom there seems to be an impulse to crush and control their partner, they can seem very loving and charming and open but they have merely learned tools to seem the Perfect Guy and tools to subtly (or not so!) diminish your self worth so that (1) we feel too sad and confused to access the ‘value yourself’ system you describe in this post and (2) we feed their techniques of gaslighting and charm by questioning ourselves even more and taking on more responsibility for problems.

  • S

    Reply Reply September 7, 2016

    I would like to know your opinion and thoughts in overcoming and working through someone cheating in that same relationship. Thanks.

  • Kamila

    Reply Reply November 15, 2016

    I have recently broke trust with my boyfriend, be being intimate with another person, the first time I have ever done that. When I did this, I was conflicted and confused about my relationship with him, what his commitment was to me. I was fearful to be vulnerable and express my desires to him. I sought connection in a way that felt easier to me. It was the only solution I could see in the moment, which was from a wounded lense. I didn’t even enjoy being with this other person. It didn’t feel worth it at all, but it revealed and triggered some necesary conversations and healing.

    I think this experience helped us to express things that were needing to be made conscious and expressed openly, and this just happened to be the catalyst. I do see how I have used connection and attention from people as a means from feeling pain. That was a big realization in this. I think it helped us both to see how much we care about each other, and we stepped in more fully. We are learning how to repair our relationship together. Not that I recommend this path, as it also broke trust, which takes time and energy to heal, but it is a means to go deeper, no matter how unfortunate. I don’t think healing is a straight path. It feels vulnerable to share this, but I think there is some valuable perspective here. I acknowledge that I am not yet at a fully mature level of relationship but these are steps to get there I feel. Humility are key. I just feel protective of demonizing the experience of infidelity. Not that I am encouraging it, I have a lot more compassion now that I have been in this position, as there is good information available in all experiences when we own it and take responsibility.

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