How to Attract A Conscious Man

I’m writing a short rebuttal (or “addition” depending on how you see it) to Alex Myles  post on How to Attract a Conscious or Evolved Man, posted on Elephant Journal.

Here I’m writing my own version.

I always like it when women try to tell me about who I am as a man, especially someone trying to describe me as conscious or evolved. Since I teach women all the time about women’s empowerment, it’s fitting to have a woman teaching me about men. Respect Alex (fist bump)!

Alex’s post is not a bad read, yet her post perpetuates the fantasy that such a man exists, then sets women up for being frustrated all the time with a guy because he can’t live up to the fantasy. It also sets men up for comparing themselves to a childish yardstick (fantasy) of what you are supposed to be.

So, WTF is a conscious or evolved man?

Believe me, I’ve been in the business of helping men grow and become more conscious for years (I even envisioned and led an “evolving” men’s conference with 40 men’s leaders from around the world) here in woo-town Boulder Colorado.  And, it’s been my own journey to be the most awake, inspired version of myself, so I enjoy this type of conversation, even if the word “conscious” gets dicey in some circles.

Yet, when I saw a woman posting Alex’s article in my private community with the comment: “Wow. Doing the work is reward in itself, but this would be the cherry on top,” I had to intervene.conscious men

Why? Because if this woman pursues this, she’ll never get it, because it doesn’t exit.

Rather than go on and on about what a conscious man is, I’ll keep it simple by offer a counterpoint to Alex’s comments below and then a quick definition of the so called conscious man below that.

Lastly, for the purposes of this post, I will self-identify as a conscious man, but make a tweak on this near the end.

So, Here’s Alex’s comment in italics and mine in regular font (To read her original post on EJ, click here).

A conscious man is neither (Not sure if this is bad editing by Elephant Journal, or if it’s supposed to say never or neither, hmmm) afraid of his powerful masculine or feminine energy and he is constantly working to find the balance within the two.

This is a fantasy. We “conscious” men are always experiencing fear. But it’s how we work with our fear and how we continually don’t run from it, face it, learn from it, and learn to work with it, that matters. I get scared all the time in my life, but my commitment to myself is to face it and deal.

Honours the divine Goddess within the female.

Ummm…what does this mean? I think Alex means that I honor my wife in all that she is. But when I’m really triggered with my wife I might need to judge her for a while or I might want to kick her ass before I honor who she is. I can’t honor her all the time because my own stuff gets in the way.

Someone who takes control and responsibility for his own life.

I like this one and agree with Alex. But this can also be called a mature adult.

A man who has high levels of integrity.

Better define integrity. For me, integrity means I will be true to myself, even if it hurts you.

A conscious man will be interested in a woman that is natural.

WTF does Natural mean?

Creates a safe space for communication.

My version? I continually work with myself to be a safe and inviting resource for my wife to share all that she is.

True to his word.

More realistically I do my best to be true to my word (which is different than keeping a commitment) and when I fall down, I work to repair trust. Sometimes, I might make a plan and I don’t keep my word because I got clear it wasn’t in my best interest, so I don’t keep my word. That’s personal integrity (see above).

Consistent, especially through difficult times.

I like this and it’s an ongoing practice to be consistent in times of upset. But doing so, helps my wife really trust me.

He is not afraid of criticism.

B.S. As fearless as I appear to be some of the time, I still fear criticism, but I don’t let that stop me from leading or pursuing my dreams. I’ve never met anyone who wasn’t afraid of criticism. So, more fantasy here.

Comfortable in his own skin.

Yes. And, wherever he is insecure, he works to be comfortable in his skin there, in that spot.

Accepts his faults and faces up to mistakes.

Correct, but I prefer saying, I commit to taking responsibility for my shortcomings, weaknesses and limitations. I will own up to “mistakes” I’ve made with myself and others who are willing to dialogue.

He has self-love, self-worth and high self-esteem.

Self-love is a journey, not a destination. This one is too vague. But I’d say I’m always in the process of learning to embrace parts of myself that are disowned or I’m not yet embracing/loving.

Listens fully and communicates clearly and honestly.

“Fully?” More like, learns to listen well in an ongoing way so that his partner feels understood by him.

Not co-dependent.

  1. Another fantasy.  We are all co-dependent. But us “conscious” dudes are on a path to work through our co-dependent tendencies because it keeps us from the freedom monogamy can, and will, provide.

Does not have the need or desire to control his relationship or any other person.

Sure he does. It’s human to do this and he is aware of how limited this can be so he works to Trust life with a big T. Controlling others can be super helpful in certain settings like team sports and business teams. And, it can be done in a way where team members feel supported, loved, and honored.

He has a strong masculine spirit.

What does this mean?

In touch with his feminine side.

Define this. Do you mean he is able to feel, have empathy, connect, and be vulnerable? Or… define this please…

Does not avoid conflict.

Sure he does. It’s a matter of pacing and time. Some men (and women) are conflict avoiders for life. Guys who work on themselves get that conflict is where the gold is. But a man on path always comes around and faces what he needs to face in a timely manner so the person he’s in conflict with can relax and give him space.

Honest, open, loyal and trustworthy.

Nope. Another fantasy. I lie frequently. When people ask me how I’m doing that I don’t know, I might say “fine” when really I’m not fine. Most of us tell little lies like this on a regular basis.

I also close down. Look at childbirth. Contractions are a part of life and a part of the process. Stop pretending the a man can stay open all the time. Did David Deida perpetuated this myth? Loyal and trustworthy 80% of the time? Maybe.

Connects fully and makes his partner feel unique.

This is unrealistic. Connects “fully?” Very few of us can do that. This is too black and white and sets both men and women up for a lot of ridiculous expectations. It’s not my job to make my wife feel unique. I don’t even think about that. She feels appreciated and honored by me often and when she doesn’t she lets me know (and I listen) because I can’t keep it up all the time.

Cares deeply about the planet and all of its inhabitants.

Ok, sure, but if someone tries to hurt my family in some way and crosses a line, I’m capable and willing to open up a can of whoop ass on them. So, in my care for my family, I don’t have the bandwidth or capacity to care for all inhabitants, nor do I set myself up for some unrealistic fantasy to do so, because then I’d be subordinating to a myth that men are supposed to care for everyone and beating myself up for not being able to live it.

Knows how to pleasure a woman sexually without thinking of his needs.

Too simplistic and one sided.

On a journey constantly growing and learning.


Okay, those are my two cents.

As you can see by my comments above, many of us men are “on the path” to becoming a more whole, authentic version of who we are. The key phrase is “on the path.” No man is completely conscious or evolved. Evolution never stops for men who are oriented toward growth and development.

So, for men who are more awake, self-aware, more willing to grow and own their shit, etc, it’s more accurate to call them evolving (still a verb, but sounds like “undergoing evolution”).

But I prefer to call them “men who are into growth and development.”

So, it’s not a static thing. That you find a conscious man who has it all together as Alex’s post suggests. Perhaps Alex knows this, but how her post is written says a lot…

My recommendation for women “on the path” is to be careful of measuring men against an unrealistic and idealistic yardstick. Instead go for guys who are openly a “work in progress” or “on the path” to becoming more conscious in their own life. Or if this is the type of guy you are into, seek out men who are interested in growth-development oriented relationship.

If you are a growth-development oriented woman, be open about that. In other words be the kind of person you want to date– live it and breathe it.

You, like me, are on the path too, a work in progress, right?

What path?

The path of continually stepping into who we are.



You might also like: 

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How to Get Your Unavailable Man To Want You

And, check out this free presentation when it’s available next:

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  • amanda

    Reply Reply July 28, 2015

    So so good.
    Thank you for debunking these myths. If only everyone who reads Elephant Journal read this!

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