How To Stop Looping in the Same Fights With Someone You Love

photo by j. gaddis

If we stuck in a fight with someone we love and we are 1) blaming 2) defensive, or 3) want to be “right,” these are most likely a sign that we are acting like a hurt young one and that there’s something about us we are not seeing. That’s our sign to stop, lay down our arms, and re-calibrate. That’s our sign to step back, and get curious about what’s being triggered in us. Now we are changing the game from the issue being a “problem” into an opportunity. Here we can find the power to grow and heal. Now we can get somewhere!

Sometimes it takes me a while to see that I’m in a loop with my wife.  I can’t always see the blindspot on my own. That’s why it’s called a blindspot! So, this is where we rely on others who “have our back. We MUST have solid community around us to help us see through our ego strategies and games. Folks that are willing to give us some hard feedback or lovingly see through our blindspots. A men’s group, a women’s group, solid friendships, a mentor, or a solid therapist can all do the job.

Lastly, EMBRACE conflict. It’s the fuel that helps us grow!

If you are unclear how to “see it” then go to your people and reach out for help.


  • Bob Munro

    Reply Reply November 11, 2012

    I certainly hope that you are not suggesting that you EMBRACE conflict with your wife.

    Never ever engage in conflict with your wife, verbal or otherwise.

    • Jayson

      Reply Reply November 12, 2012

      Absolutely, embracing conflict is an outstanding practice for me. Conflict leads to more connection because we grow deeper after it and through it. To avoid conflict is to be scared.

  • Ed Hirsch

    Reply Reply April 28, 2017

    We can embrace conflict because there is a prior principle of Presence that we already embrace and which is the core of our wellbeing.

  • Dawne

    Reply Reply June 6, 2018

    Refreshing and viable perspective on conflict. This blog crystallizes what I’ve intuitively sensed about opportunity found within and from conflict (how it can be handled in a way that is transformational, redemptive and connective), but have experienced variable difficulty in pulling it off. Hoping to learn more.
    Thank you for this.

  • Sallie Keys

    Reply Reply July 7, 2018

    I have to agree with you, Jayson. Avoiding conflict is avoiding a huge opportunity for growth, because you’re missing the value in the lesson and what you can learn by seeing that the conflict is arising as a way for you to get to the CORE of the issue causing. It’s an opportunity to go deeper, not only to get to the core of who you are, but to deepen the connection you have with your partner as you work through and resolve the conflict. It’s not a signal to run.

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