How To Stop Looping in the Same Fights With Someone You Love

photo by j. gaddis

If we stuck in a fight with someone we love and we are 1) blaming 2) defensive, or 3) want to be “right,” these are most likely a sign that we are acting like a hurt young one and that there’s something about us we are not seeing. That’s our sign to stop, lay down our arms, and re-calibrate. That’s our sign to step back, and get curious about what’s being triggered in us. Now we are changing the game from the issue being a “problem” into an opportunity. Here we can find the power to grow and heal. Now we can get somewhere!

Sometimes it takes me a while to see that I’m in a loop with my wife.  I can’t always see the blindspot on my own. That’s why it’s called a blindspot! So, this is where we rely on others who “have our back. We MUST have solid community around us to help us see through our ego strategies and games. Folks that are willing to give us some hard feedback or lovingly see through our blindspots. A men’s group, a women’s group, solid friendships, a mentor, or a solid therapist can all do the job.

Lastly, EMBRACE conflict. It’s the fuel that helps us grow!

If you are unclear how to “see it” then go to your people and reach out for help.


  • Bob Munro

    Reply Reply November 11, 2012

    I certainly hope that you are not suggesting that you EMBRACE conflict with your wife.

    Never ever engage in conflict with your wife, verbal or otherwise.

    • Jayson

      Reply Reply November 12, 2012

      Absolutely, embracing conflict is an outstanding practice for me. Conflict leads to more connection because we grow deeper after it and through it. To avoid conflict is to be scared.

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